Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s01e15 Episode Script
Josh Has No Idea Where I Am!
1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Let's delve into your childhood.
I've been through the therapy wringer.
I've rehashed my childhood a ton.
I don't really want to do it again.
I love him so much.
I know, sweetie.
You did what? You kissed her?! - I-I feel terrible.
- You feel terrible? I got caught up in the moment in court! I-I don't know what happened.
I'm sorry.
Do you love her? No.
God, no.
(Applause) Rebecca: Why doesn't anyone love me? He doesn't love me.
I hate my life.
Why doesn't anyone love me? He doesn't love me.
We're stuck together for the next five hours.
You want to give it a go? Do some therapy? Okay.
Yeah, let's do this.
(Door opens) Okay, don't scratch the walls, please.
Or the floors or You know, anything.
Watch out for the ceramic horse.
It goes right there.
Put it right there.
It's my best friend's couch, she lives here.
I mean, she had to sell the couch, but I got it back for her.
Cost me 80 bucks.
I'm telling you, it was worth every penny, because she is my best friend.
Yeah, we know everything about each other.
I mean, I'd tell you where she is right now, but, eh, it's kind of a big secret, so I'm kidding! She's in Hawaii with her ex-soon-to-be-current-boyfriend, Joshua Felix Chan.
Woman: Welcome aboard flight 72, with nonstop service to New York's JFK International Airport.
So, let's start by talking about where you're going.
Mmm you mean, in life? No.
I mean, why you're going to New York.
Oh, got it, yeah.
We're on a plane.
- Well, I was gonna go to Hawaii - âMm-hmm.
With a friend Kind of But then I realized that my life in Southern California is nothing but a pile of garbage and turds.
So I e-mailed my old boss to see if I could come back to my old firm in New York, and she said they'd welcome me back with open arms.
Another move.
That's a big decision.
Oh, yeah.
I'm great at those.
Rebecca, you and I never even had time to cover the fundamentals.
I never got a chance to ask you what brought you to West Covina in the first place? (Sighs) I was working hard at a New York job making dough but it made me blue one day I was crying a lot and so I decided to move to West Covina, California brand-new pals and new career it happens to be where Josh lives but that's not why I'm here - she's the crazy ex-girlfriend - What? No, I'm not.
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend That's a sexist term.
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend Can you guys stop singing for just a second? She's so broken inside The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.
C-r-a-z-y Okay! We get it! So you did move to West Covina for Josh? Oh, yeah.
100%.
I should update that story.
And when you got to town, didn't anyone see through your excuses right away? Nope.
You'd be surprised.
You lie to yourself well enough, you can convince other people, too.
Ugh, what is this stain? Oh, man, if she sits on that, she might have triplets.
Good call.
Ah, so I guess we should go back to work.
(Whispers): Oh, wow.
It is so quiet.
I may just read a damn magazine like a real person.
(Smacks lips) Does anybody in this house need or want anything from me? No? Oh, my god (Laughing): Oh, I love it here.
So much oh.
What? Oh, you want to go back to work? Yeah, okay, go 'head.
Mommy's gonna have herself a little staycation.
What? Just tell Darryl I'm not feeling well.
Don't worry, it's fine.
Oh, believe me, Rebecca is not gonna care.
She's in Hawaii! She doesn't care about anything right now.
Rebecca: Anyway things did not work out between me and Josh.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Love doesn't work out for me, ever.
Rebecca, I'm sure that's not true.
Oh, my god, it's absolutely true.
Love does not last in my life.
I always end up alone.
My life is loveless.
"Loveless.
" That's the word to describe my life.
I'm horrible at love, any sort of love Relationships, family, pets.
I ruin everything.
Can I remind you of something? You said the very same thing when Josh found out about the broken window in your apartment.
And the next day at Boba, Paula told you that you weren't a ruiner, not at all, that you were a put-togetherer and that you helped her save her marriage.
That's all true, but how did you know that? I've only had one session with you, and it was months ago.
Whoa! Thank you.
Are you a ghost? Wait, you're not a ghost.
I'm sitting next to you on this plane aren't I? Nope.
You're asleep, my friend.
(Steward bell chimes) (Snorts) (Baby crying) Oh, right! I sat down next to you.
You said, "well, we're gonna be stuck together "for the next five hours.
Might as well do a therapy session.
" I said, "cool," but then I downed a couple sleeping pills with a Bloody Mary.
I'm sorry.
Wait am I dead? Isn't that what a ghost is? There are such things as dream ghosts.
A dream ghost! Well, that sounds fun.
Oh, can we do fun things? There's a ton of stuff I want to do.
One: I want to haunt Hitler and get him to rethink a few things.
Two: I want to see what Oprah does in her bathtub.
And three: I want to go to the nearest planet with intelligent life and see a play.
That's not what dream ghosts do.
Oh no, really? Listen up, honey.
(Motown music begins) You obviously don't understand why I'm here.
So allow me to break it down for you.
You know the trope in storytelling it's a norm when a person's in trouble a manifestation of their subconscious appears in the form of a dream ghost giving advice you kind of already knew I'm a dream ghost I'm really just your mind working things through it's not clear if I'm hallucinated or actually magic let's leave it vague it's more interesting that way I'm going to take you on a journey through time and space and in the end you'll realize you knew the answer all along honestly it's a bit of a waste to be a dream ghost dream ghost we're other dream ghosts helping people on this plane we're also dream ghosts dream ghosts while you're all asleep we'll sing the refrain it'll never be clear if we're hallucinated or actually magic and we're all women 'cause this job doesn't pay so well Wow, so there are a lot of dream ghosts.
Yep.
A lot of people on this plane are having predicaments.
This guy is deciding whether or not to leave his wife this girl is wondering if she should terminate a pregnancy this lady's dreaming in Portuguese so I'm not sure what she wants and this douche is agonizing over whether to buy or lease a new Porsche we are the dream ghosts dream ghosts here to show you the proper way we are the dream ghosts dream ghosts and the health care with this job is just okay we'll help you with decisions if you're on the fence and we're available for private events we're the dream ghosts we wish our union health plan had dental dream ghosts we pay out-of-pocket for cleanings.
Wow, I had no idea.
That ghosts exist? No, that a health plan could exclude dental.
I mean, many basic health problems start with gingivitis.
All right.
Are you ready? Now come with me.
Where are we Where are we going? We're beginning our journey.
Our spectral vacation.
Here we go.
Oh we're starting with a puberty memory? Harsh.
Why are we doing that? I go where the pain is.
And you just, like, admit that? You say love never works out for you.
Let's see if it's really true.
(Exhales happily) Akopian: So what is this memory? Rebecca: Oh, my god.
This is the first time I visited my father in Santa Fe.
It's where he moved after, you know, the divorce.
Oh, yeah, I came here for a visit.
And ? And I didn't tell him I was coming.
Surprise! Ooh, photos.
(Gasps) Oh! Her Josh pictures came in.
(Chuckles) (Knocking) Eh, no one's here.
Josh: Rebecca, is that you? Uh, uh, uh Um - Hi.
- What are you doing here? Is Rebecca here? Uh, no.
But you're here.
(Chuckles) And in her bathrobe? Aren't you in Hawaii right now? What? How do you know about that? Well, Rebecca mentioned the surf tournament.
I decided not to go.
And why are you here? Well, I've been texting her and calling her to tell her something and (Stammers) Where is she? Well, I thought she was with I mean, I thought I knew where she was, but I guess I don't.
I just wanted to see you, daddy.
I just wanted to see you, dad.
How did you get here? Let's not talk about logistics.
They don't matter.
I'm just so happy we're together! You said if only we could spend more vacations together.
Well, I'm here.
Spring break! (Laughs) Well What happened to your hair? Oh, certain hormonal changes have occurred.
It's unfortunate, but such is life.
You know, your mother didn't call to tell me you were coming.
Please don't tell Naomi.
She doesn't know I'm here.
I told her I was at a spring break choir camp in Poughkeepsie.
I forged the forms and created a fake P.
O.
Box.
Then I used my bat mitzvah money to buy a plane ticket.
But I had to use Aunt Nancy's name for the ticket, because they don't sell to minors, which is just discrimination! Wow! I knew you were bright, but Are you busy this week? Are you not happy to see me? Of course I'm happy to see you! This is the greatest surprise ever! (Grunting) We're gonna have a great time.
(Squeals) Come on, let's, uh, let's get you settled.
All right.
So, West Covina wasn't the first time you made a rash decision to try to win back the man you love.
That's not The two aren't No, that's They're two different situations.
I mean, clearly, my mother had been keeping us apart and we were meant to be together.
Mm, I did some research.
And I'd love to go see El Rancho de Las Golondrinas while I'm here.
And of course the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum.
That sounds great.
Why aren't you eating your salsa? Oh, I don't know.
I just hate cilantro.
Me, too.
Screw cilantro.
- It stinks.
- (Laughs) We have so much in common.
Yeah, we do, right? What should we do after dinner? Watch TV or play a game? Or we could just talk about our lives and, like, our ten favorite songs? Yeah.
We can do that.
(Man speaking indistinctly over television) (Chuckles) Rebecca: Maybe you're right.
About there being love in my life.
He did love me.
Love comes in many forms.
But the kind of love a child needs is the kind they can count on.
What does that mean? Wake up, sleepyhead! I made pancakes.
Oh, wow.
Morning.
Good morning.
You know, I really do love you, Becca.
Of course you do.
Naomi was just keeping us apart.
- Yeah.
- But that's over now.
And next time I won't have to make a secret plan.
I'm going to ask her if I can spend holidays with you from now on.
- Well - Wouldn't that be great? Sure.
Santa Fe is-is wonderful at Christmas.
Yes, Christmas! I'm half-Christmas anyway.
(Doorbell rings) (Sighs) Just a minute.
Hi, Naomi.
Silas.
No.
Mom, no! What is she doing here? What are you doing here? No one asked you to come.
God, I hate this part.
I hate this part.
This is when she ripped me away from him.
You know, he loved me.
He did.
But of course I couldn't have that.
Did you snoop around my room? Oh, you did, didn't you?! You're such a snoop! Becca, get your things and get in the car.
- No.
- Becca? - No, you can't make me! - Listen to me.
Tell her! We have plans The museums, holidays, Christmas right? Rebecca, honey.
Go in the car for a moment while your mother and I talk.
I'll see what I can do.
All right? Okay, and I know what happened next.
- She ruined everything.
- (Shushes) There was nothing more Listen.
Naomi: Silas? (Sighs) Silas? She came all this way to see you.
She spent her own money.
She came up with this fakakta plan.
Why do you have to make me take her back right away? Can't you just spend time with her for a couple of days? I'll-I'll go to a spa.
I'll-I'll-I'll wait.
I-I I could use a good scrub.
I have plans, Naomi.
- No one told me.
- Plans, I bet.
- Who is she? - Oh, don't you judge me.
I wasn't prepared! Prepared for what? She's your child! And-and she cooks and she does dishes and she won't be a bother to you.
For heaven's sake, Silas, be a person! Have a heart! You're her father! She loves you! Don't you tell me what I should do! How to be a father! All right, when I get my life together, when I am really settled down, I'll come see her.
Right.
I'll figure out a plan.
I want to.
She's she's a cute kid.
She, she's not a kid! She's your daughter, you ass! I just can't have anyone holding me back right now.
Naomi: Right.
Silas: Please don't tell her.
She won't understand.
Don't worry, I won't tell her.
Not for your sake but for hers.
So she'll never know what you're capable of.
Or not capable of.
And I didn't see him for two more years.
And I always blamed her.
I always thought she was the one keeping us apart.
She never told me any of this.
Why? Because she didn't want to hurt you.
Because someone did love you.
Someone still does.
Just didn't happen to be him.
See, there is love in your life.
You just have to know how to find it.
That's what you take away from that story? That my mother loved me? Okay, with all due respect, a mother's love That's the bare minimum.
I mean, geez, serial killers have mothers that love them.
What I take away from that story is, my father's even worse than I thought.
I always knew he was an abandoning piece garbage, but, geez, I thought at least I could blame my mother for it.
Can't believe she never told me that story.
She never misses an opportunity to rub things in.
Maybe you misjudged her in some way.
Maybe I did.
Well, thanks a lot, dream ghost.
You just made everything a lot worse.
Because now I have to be nicer to my mom.
Boo.
God, and this just only proves my point.
It's like I said.
Love never lasts.
Nobody really cares about me.
Where would she have gone without telling me? It's not like her.
She always tells me everything.
I don't know.
Like I said, I've been texting her and calling her for the last day, and nothing.
Why have you been texting her? Um, that's not really any of your business.
(Laughing): Oh, pumpkin! If you only knew what was my business! I know that you and Rebecca kissed.
I know that you were gonna tell Valencia and that she was gonna dropkick your ass.
- How did you ? - Wait! Did you and Valencia not break up? Oh, no, you two are staying together, aren't you? Again, not really any of your And Rebecca found out! Oh, my god! She couldn't know.
I-I haven't told her yet.
Okay, I just need to calm down and think! - (Door opens) - I just need to calm down! Where is Rebecca? What is happening? She didn't show up for work.
And I called her and I texted her and I e-mailed her, and nothing.
Why are you wearing a bathrobe? Is that your nipple? Well You called in sick today! It is a personal day, Darryl! Personal! Personal means one person.
Why is he here? He is here because he is also looking for Rebecca.
Yeah, I'm starting to get kind of worried.
Oh, my god, the cheerful man is worried? I mean, is Rebecca missing? Okay, so after that heartwarming story with my father, you better have something good up your ghost sleeve.
After your father's abandonment Wow, you're a downer.
What were your other relationships like after that? With other men? Oh, my god, they were fantastic.
They were beautiful, filled with respect and mutual orgasms.
What do you think? They were disasters.
Look, I didn't show you that last memory to upset you.
I wanted you to see that sometimes love comes up in unexpected places.
(Mimicking): "Oh, loves comes in unexpect " Is that right? Take, for instance, sophomore year, Harvard.
That play you were in.
Wait, that play? That wasn't fun, and I quit halfway through.
Why is that important? But something very important happened to you there.
All right, fine, we going back to college? - Mm-hmm.
- Great.
Let's gain some weight.
Man: Well, it was a tough process, but you made it through.
You are the cream of the crop.
You're late.
Theodore, make a note of that in our attendance records, please.
15 people auditioned; I could only take 11.
This musical adaptation of Moby Dick is my senior thesis, and it is not gonna be easy.
I'm so excited.
I'm, like, obsessed with the songs in the show.
I've memorized them all.
- Wow, that's cool.
- Yeah.
Now, as we embark on this struggle together, this triumphant struggle Because it will be a triumph, - make no mistake about that - What do you play? I'm fish # 3.
Uh, I'm a swabber.
I swab the decks, like, the whole play.
(Clicks tongue) Lucky.
Guys! Let's see some focus.
Thank you.
Now, as I was saying All right, good stuff, everybody.
Remember, keep your bodies connected at all times.
Point of the exercise.
So I'm totally pre-law, and if my mom found out I was doing this play, she'd, like, stop paying my tuition.
I feel kind of stupid.
Do you? Yeah.
(Laughs) Guys, let's take this seriously.
This exercise will help us develop - (Rebecca laughs) - a physical shorthand with each other.
Now, all right, everyone, take a look here.
Thank you.
Watch me and fish # 3.
Right here.
- Right there? - Mm-hmm, come on.
Oh.
O Kay.
Yeah, just like that.
Okay.
Well, there goes that.
You're good at this.
Oh, thank you.
(Giggles) Oh, thanks.
(Panting) I'm gonna bump you up to fish # 1.
(Gasps) Thank you.
Whoa.
Whew, I haven't done that in years.
I Does anybody actually like that? (Man moaning) I just Ooh.
So, wait, I'm confused.
Are you trying to tell me that Warren, the douche bag senior, was the love of my life? (Snaps) Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
I know what you're trying to tell me.
I know where this is going.
It's not really about the whale the whale is a symbol, Ahab though it's a chore I'll just mop the floor Ahab, can't you see? The whale is a metaphor.
- Ah, that's not bad.
- Thanks.
I saw you got bumped up the food chain.
Congrats.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
You know I really like all this.
You know, music and theater.
I hadn't done it since this summer camp I went to, like, a million years ago, but I forgot how happy it made me.
That's great.
I'm really happy for you.
There.
I know what you're gonna say.
You're saying that I should have looked past Warren and gone for Peter, because he really cared about me, right? The lesson's not over.
Tell me what happened next.
You're also sleeping with Jennifer? Like, Jennifer, as in "Kip the Cabin Boy"? Rebecca, we never said we were exclusive.
That's not what my lifestyle as an artist is about.
But I like you.
- I-I really like you.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, I don't know if I can be in the play if you're just sleeping with someone else in front of me.
Well, that's your choice.
There's other fish in the sea.
In this case, the metaphor applies.
Uh, okay, then, well, I quit.
Yeah, I quit the play.
Suit yourself, fish # 1.
I get what you're saying.
I made a mistake.
I should have seen past my superficial feelings for the roguish jerk to see the value of a nice guy like Peter.
Oh, god.
No! (Akopian scoffs) Forget about the guys.
That's the worst part about being a ghost and working with women So much talk about the guys.
It's like, "guys, forget the guys.
" Wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm-I'm confused.
You loved that play.
You loved theater, and you loved music, and you were gonna change your major.
You spent hours practicing alone.
Ahab, can't you see? The whale is a metaphor.
(Mumbles) Ahab, can't you Okay, so I loved being in a play.
But that's not a person.
So how is that real love? Love doesn't have to be a person.
It can be a passion.
And that passion has sustained you for much of your life, hasn't it? I guess it has.
Yeah.
Yeah, when things get tough, it's how I understand the world.
Hmm, I imagine my life as a series of musical numbers.
I know.
Thanks for the solo, by the way.
I always wanted to rock some sequins.
(Both chuckle) As I was saying, love comes in different forms.
You know, Rebecca, maybe it's not that you don't have love in your life.
Maybe it's that you don't recognize it when it's there.
I am a puffer fish I am also the queen of denial.
We get flashlights and we sweep the forest.
Darryl, there's no forest.
What about those birch trees over by the 10 freeway? Oh, I can call her mom.
Are you kidding?! I mean, I love you, - but that's that's a horrible idea.
- (Door opens) - (Door closes) - Yeah, no, no.
Hello? Please.
âuh, what's he doing here? Darryl texted me, uh, to come over.
Something about Rebecca? What's wrong? Yeah, she is completely off the reservation.
- We don't know where she is.
- Mm-hmm.
When's the last time someone talked to her? Paula: I saw her yesterday.
But then she didn't reply to my text, but I thought, "no, that's okay, because she's on a trip, and wearing a bikini and floppy hat," but apparently she's not.
Well, that's it, I'm calling the police.
Greg: Whoa, whoa, and-and tell them what? That a person known for being unpredictable and impulsive has been missing for a day? Paula: You don't understand.
Rebecca always tells me what she's doing.
Paula, with all due respect, you haven't known her that long.
Okay, Greg, just because you're super hot doesn't mean you get to come in here and say mean statements about my friendship, Mr.
Stud.
Is Greg super hot? Well, yeah, if you like angry.
Sure.
Josh: Okay, wait-wait, Darryl's right.
Like, not about Greg being super hot or whatever.
But we need to do something - right now.
- Yeah.
I've had enough.
I'm gonna figure out where she is.
Darryl: Whoa! That's not cool.
What? Your friends don't know all your passwords? Mmm, not sure I would call them friends, then, Darryl.
A'ight, let's find out what we've got here.
Deleted messages.
Okay, I'm out.
I'm not doing this.
I'm sure she's fine and there's nothing to worry about.
When Rebecca comes back Probably any second Tell her I said hey.
Oh, my god.
Josh: What? What is it? Has she been catfished by a drug smuggler? - What? - I watched this TV show called "Catfished by a Drug Smuggler".
It's on the new Catfishing Channel.
Oh, my god, it is so good.
I-I binged the entire thing.
Okay, I know what's happening.
- You do? - Yes.
- What? - She is moving back to New York! At least we know she's not dead.
Uh, it's worse than her dying.
She is leaving us! I can't believe she's moving back to New York.
Oh, that's just schmuckbait She's not going anywhere.
She's just being dramatic.
No! She has a plane ticket, a job offer.
She's looking at sublets.
Oh, my god, she didn't tell me any of this! And as quickly as she entered our lives, - poof she's gone.
- Oh, stop it, Darryl, she's not gone, okay? She's not allowed to disappear on me.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I'm so confused.
She said she hated living in New York.
We talk about it all the time.
I mean, she wasn't happy there.
Yeah, but sometimes there are things that are more important than being happy.
I was unhappily married.
But I had a child and I stuck it out.
- For years.
- She can't do this.
She can't just opt out because it got hard.
I mean, you don't think I want to opt out every day? You think I don't want to unsubscribe from, like, half the things in my life? Paula, if that's true, then you should change your life.
People actually do that.
- Not me, but, you know - I still don't get it.
This town is great.
She told me she loved it here.
Why would she want to leave? Rebecca: So let's recap.
My mother loves me, I love music.
Fantastic.
You're skirting the real issue which got us here in the first place, which is that I can't find anybody to love me.
Like, real love.
Like, boy-girl love.
I mean, that's okay, that's gender normative.
But you get what I'm saying, right? It's like me lovee you, kissy kissy kissy time, we make babies now, and I'm doing an accent.
I don't know why I'm doing an accent.
(Chuckles): Look, you're not the only person to have difficulties in this area.
Maybe you don't have one special person, but you have many people.
Plural people? Hello? They're here because they love you.
What? No.
Mm-hmm.
No.
No.
(Exhales) Oh, they all look so worried.
I should text Paula.
Can I text someone from a dream? Okay, guess I can't.
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, it's my bonus check.
I'm not broke anymore.
I can buy back my Hyundai! - Yay! - Shh! Listen! God, you talk too much.
(Mimicking): Talk too much.
Can't believe my cookie is moving away.
We had some really great times together.
Darryl: She was the best employee I ever had.
No, I mean It wasn't just that.
Rebecca made me wake up.
You know, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have changed my life.
Josh: Me neither.
I mean, she got me that job at Aloha's.
She helped me believe in myself for the first time, like ever.
Paula: She helped me with my marriage.
She was like a surrogate daughter.
What, me? I got nothin'.
She's done nothing but cause problems for me.
I don't even know why I'm still here.
Rebecca: Okay, so all these people are technically here, but that doesn't necessarily mean they love me.
Let's contrast how they're feeling with the way people felt when you left New York.
Whoa Well, good riddance to bad rubbish.
- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.
You know what? Now that I think about it, I might miss her.
(All laughing) Good one, right? God, she's a heinous bitch.
Akopian: West Covina was the first place that you acted like a person.
And because of it, you forged true relationships.
Look how worried they are.
Look at how everyone cares about you.
No, not everyone.
He probably knows me as well as anyone here.
He doesn't care if I live or die.
You heard him.
Are you sure? Are you sure he doesn't care? I mean, I thought I was, but now that you say it like that, I'm not so sure anymore.
Look at his phone.
(Sighs) Wait, won't he notice if I grab his phone? Again, dream.
Ghost.
Illusion.
Let me just freeze everything for a second.
Whoa! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh.
Your powers are so cool.
This is amazing.
This is so cool.
Wait, like How does one become a dream ghost? What's the application process like? 'Cause this, I could do some damage with (Clears throat) Right.
Greg's phone, Greg's phone.
Okay.
Look at his calls.
The ones he made before he knew you were safe.
Okay.
Oh, my god.
He called every hospital in the area.
And some morgues.
Now, why would he do that? Because he's hoping I was dead? Because he cares about me.
What do you think? I mean he doesn't show it.
He's always so angry at me.
Yeah, hot guys are kind of like that.
The middle-aged ladies really dig Greg.
Oh, yes.
I wish he was a search term on porn sites.
Okay, let's cool it, dream ghost.
But this is not about Greg or any one man It is about you, Rebecca.
God, do you know how hard it is to pass the Bechdel Test when you're a dream ghost? Oh.
Yeah, I bet.
There's a lot of love in your life, Rebecca.
If you opened your heart to the possibilities of all kinds of love, something good might happen.
You spend so much time obsessing about this one here, you've lost sight of everything else.
And everyone else.
I've just been dreaming about him for so long.
(Rebecca scoffs) Like, most of my life.
He is the dream, dream ghost.
But he is an illusion.
Just like I am.
Maybe it's time you see what else is in your life besides Josh Chan.
Wake up, Rebecca.
(Exclaims) What's wrong? Oh, my god.
You were right.
Everything you said was right.
Uh, I didn't say anything.
You've been busy sleeping and I've been binge-watching Broad City.
(Chuckles) It's so funny.
These girls just don't care.
Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, I know this game.
I know how dream ghosts work.
Right, 'cause it was all a dream and you were a ghost, but now you're gonna do something all winky and I'm gonna go, "wait, it was all real.
" (Laughs) I think you need more therapy than I initially thought.
Maybe you should come in twice a week.
Yeah, okay.
Whatever you say.
But oh, my gosh, you changed my life, Dr.
Dream Ghost Akopian.
Oh, you made me You made me see past all of my delusions that were been holding me back.
Oh, and it's the other dream ghosts.
I have to thank them.
Thank you, other dream ghosts.
Excuse me, lady? She's the one that was snoring and grunting.
You-you guys should all get dental.
How many sleeping pills have you had? So many.
It would be such a bummer if she moved away without even saying good-bye.
Well, maybe we can think of some way to make her stay here in town.
What would make her stay? Come here a second.
If you want Rebecca to stay in town, you can make that happen.
What? Oh, god! Josh, you don't understand? You don't see what this has all been about for Rebecca? I-I don't understand what you're Well, I'm out.
(Grunts softly) If she decides to sell the furniture, I call dibs on the big fish.
Wait, what are you saying? I'm saying look at these.
Guys, wait, I hear something.
(Door opens) You're here! - (Laughing) - Yeah.
Yeah, I, uh I got on a plane and then I got off and got right back on another plane and I've been in the same outfit for ten hours and I feel and smell terrific.
We found out about New York.
I-I looked on your laptop.
I assumed you would.
You're back for now or for good? Um - For good.
- Oh, thank god.
We really thought you were gone.
(Laughs) I knew you weren't going anywhere.
You've got your reasons for living in this town.
Welcome back, Bunch.
- I'm out.
- Hey.
Um thank you for being here.
See you later, suckers.
- I am so glad you're okay.
- Oh Mm! Please don't ever leave me again.
It hurts my heart.
Oh, Darryl.
Hey, um, why are you in my bathrobe? Oh, that's a long story.
I will tell you later.
(Both chuckle) Oh, my god.
Okay, I got to go.
Uh, you kids talk, I am going to wash this bathrobe and give it to you at work.
I am so glad you're back! Okay, bye! Um So I see my pictures arrived.
Rebecca, what are all these? Why do you have them? Rebecca Are you in love with me? I want to go to the nearest planet with intelligent life and see a play.
This alien play is amazing.
He loved her so much, he traveled to Planet Fnorg to see her.
Even though that planet is mostly sulfur and Zerps can't even breathe sulfur.
He would rather have five minutes with her than live another 30 years.
Love Is there anything more universal? - Oh! - Yes! Go! Oh!
I've been through the therapy wringer.
I've rehashed my childhood a ton.
I don't really want to do it again.
I love him so much.
I know, sweetie.
You did what? You kissed her?! - I-I feel terrible.
- You feel terrible? I got caught up in the moment in court! I-I don't know what happened.
I'm sorry.
Do you love her? No.
God, no.
(Applause) Rebecca: Why doesn't anyone love me? He doesn't love me.
I hate my life.
Why doesn't anyone love me? He doesn't love me.
We're stuck together for the next five hours.
You want to give it a go? Do some therapy? Okay.
Yeah, let's do this.
(Door opens) Okay, don't scratch the walls, please.
Or the floors or You know, anything.
Watch out for the ceramic horse.
It goes right there.
Put it right there.
It's my best friend's couch, she lives here.
I mean, she had to sell the couch, but I got it back for her.
Cost me 80 bucks.
I'm telling you, it was worth every penny, because she is my best friend.
Yeah, we know everything about each other.
I mean, I'd tell you where she is right now, but, eh, it's kind of a big secret, so I'm kidding! She's in Hawaii with her ex-soon-to-be-current-boyfriend, Joshua Felix Chan.
Woman: Welcome aboard flight 72, with nonstop service to New York's JFK International Airport.
So, let's start by talking about where you're going.
Mmm you mean, in life? No.
I mean, why you're going to New York.
Oh, got it, yeah.
We're on a plane.
- Well, I was gonna go to Hawaii - âMm-hmm.
With a friend Kind of But then I realized that my life in Southern California is nothing but a pile of garbage and turds.
So I e-mailed my old boss to see if I could come back to my old firm in New York, and she said they'd welcome me back with open arms.
Another move.
That's a big decision.
Oh, yeah.
I'm great at those.
Rebecca, you and I never even had time to cover the fundamentals.
I never got a chance to ask you what brought you to West Covina in the first place? (Sighs) I was working hard at a New York job making dough but it made me blue one day I was crying a lot and so I decided to move to West Covina, California brand-new pals and new career it happens to be where Josh lives but that's not why I'm here - she's the crazy ex-girlfriend - What? No, I'm not.
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend That's a sexist term.
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend Can you guys stop singing for just a second? She's so broken inside The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.
C-r-a-z-y Okay! We get it! So you did move to West Covina for Josh? Oh, yeah.
100%.
I should update that story.
And when you got to town, didn't anyone see through your excuses right away? Nope.
You'd be surprised.
You lie to yourself well enough, you can convince other people, too.
Ugh, what is this stain? Oh, man, if she sits on that, she might have triplets.
Good call.
Ah, so I guess we should go back to work.
(Whispers): Oh, wow.
It is so quiet.
I may just read a damn magazine like a real person.
(Smacks lips) Does anybody in this house need or want anything from me? No? Oh, my god (Laughing): Oh, I love it here.
So much oh.
What? Oh, you want to go back to work? Yeah, okay, go 'head.
Mommy's gonna have herself a little staycation.
What? Just tell Darryl I'm not feeling well.
Don't worry, it's fine.
Oh, believe me, Rebecca is not gonna care.
She's in Hawaii! She doesn't care about anything right now.
Rebecca: Anyway things did not work out between me and Josh.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Love doesn't work out for me, ever.
Rebecca, I'm sure that's not true.
Oh, my god, it's absolutely true.
Love does not last in my life.
I always end up alone.
My life is loveless.
"Loveless.
" That's the word to describe my life.
I'm horrible at love, any sort of love Relationships, family, pets.
I ruin everything.
Can I remind you of something? You said the very same thing when Josh found out about the broken window in your apartment.
And the next day at Boba, Paula told you that you weren't a ruiner, not at all, that you were a put-togetherer and that you helped her save her marriage.
That's all true, but how did you know that? I've only had one session with you, and it was months ago.
Whoa! Thank you.
Are you a ghost? Wait, you're not a ghost.
I'm sitting next to you on this plane aren't I? Nope.
You're asleep, my friend.
(Steward bell chimes) (Snorts) (Baby crying) Oh, right! I sat down next to you.
You said, "well, we're gonna be stuck together "for the next five hours.
Might as well do a therapy session.
" I said, "cool," but then I downed a couple sleeping pills with a Bloody Mary.
I'm sorry.
Wait am I dead? Isn't that what a ghost is? There are such things as dream ghosts.
A dream ghost! Well, that sounds fun.
Oh, can we do fun things? There's a ton of stuff I want to do.
One: I want to haunt Hitler and get him to rethink a few things.
Two: I want to see what Oprah does in her bathtub.
And three: I want to go to the nearest planet with intelligent life and see a play.
That's not what dream ghosts do.
Oh no, really? Listen up, honey.
(Motown music begins) You obviously don't understand why I'm here.
So allow me to break it down for you.
You know the trope in storytelling it's a norm when a person's in trouble a manifestation of their subconscious appears in the form of a dream ghost giving advice you kind of already knew I'm a dream ghost I'm really just your mind working things through it's not clear if I'm hallucinated or actually magic let's leave it vague it's more interesting that way I'm going to take you on a journey through time and space and in the end you'll realize you knew the answer all along honestly it's a bit of a waste to be a dream ghost dream ghost we're other dream ghosts helping people on this plane we're also dream ghosts dream ghosts while you're all asleep we'll sing the refrain it'll never be clear if we're hallucinated or actually magic and we're all women 'cause this job doesn't pay so well Wow, so there are a lot of dream ghosts.
Yep.
A lot of people on this plane are having predicaments.
This guy is deciding whether or not to leave his wife this girl is wondering if she should terminate a pregnancy this lady's dreaming in Portuguese so I'm not sure what she wants and this douche is agonizing over whether to buy or lease a new Porsche we are the dream ghosts dream ghosts here to show you the proper way we are the dream ghosts dream ghosts and the health care with this job is just okay we'll help you with decisions if you're on the fence and we're available for private events we're the dream ghosts we wish our union health plan had dental dream ghosts we pay out-of-pocket for cleanings.
Wow, I had no idea.
That ghosts exist? No, that a health plan could exclude dental.
I mean, many basic health problems start with gingivitis.
All right.
Are you ready? Now come with me.
Where are we Where are we going? We're beginning our journey.
Our spectral vacation.
Here we go.
Oh we're starting with a puberty memory? Harsh.
Why are we doing that? I go where the pain is.
And you just, like, admit that? You say love never works out for you.
Let's see if it's really true.
(Exhales happily) Akopian: So what is this memory? Rebecca: Oh, my god.
This is the first time I visited my father in Santa Fe.
It's where he moved after, you know, the divorce.
Oh, yeah, I came here for a visit.
And ? And I didn't tell him I was coming.
Surprise! Ooh, photos.
(Gasps) Oh! Her Josh pictures came in.
(Chuckles) (Knocking) Eh, no one's here.
Josh: Rebecca, is that you? Uh, uh, uh Um - Hi.
- What are you doing here? Is Rebecca here? Uh, no.
But you're here.
(Chuckles) And in her bathrobe? Aren't you in Hawaii right now? What? How do you know about that? Well, Rebecca mentioned the surf tournament.
I decided not to go.
And why are you here? Well, I've been texting her and calling her to tell her something and (Stammers) Where is she? Well, I thought she was with I mean, I thought I knew where she was, but I guess I don't.
I just wanted to see you, daddy.
I just wanted to see you, dad.
How did you get here? Let's not talk about logistics.
They don't matter.
I'm just so happy we're together! You said if only we could spend more vacations together.
Well, I'm here.
Spring break! (Laughs) Well What happened to your hair? Oh, certain hormonal changes have occurred.
It's unfortunate, but such is life.
You know, your mother didn't call to tell me you were coming.
Please don't tell Naomi.
She doesn't know I'm here.
I told her I was at a spring break choir camp in Poughkeepsie.
I forged the forms and created a fake P.
O.
Box.
Then I used my bat mitzvah money to buy a plane ticket.
But I had to use Aunt Nancy's name for the ticket, because they don't sell to minors, which is just discrimination! Wow! I knew you were bright, but Are you busy this week? Are you not happy to see me? Of course I'm happy to see you! This is the greatest surprise ever! (Grunting) We're gonna have a great time.
(Squeals) Come on, let's, uh, let's get you settled.
All right.
So, West Covina wasn't the first time you made a rash decision to try to win back the man you love.
That's not The two aren't No, that's They're two different situations.
I mean, clearly, my mother had been keeping us apart and we were meant to be together.
Mm, I did some research.
And I'd love to go see El Rancho de Las Golondrinas while I'm here.
And of course the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum.
That sounds great.
Why aren't you eating your salsa? Oh, I don't know.
I just hate cilantro.
Me, too.
Screw cilantro.
- It stinks.
- (Laughs) We have so much in common.
Yeah, we do, right? What should we do after dinner? Watch TV or play a game? Or we could just talk about our lives and, like, our ten favorite songs? Yeah.
We can do that.
(Man speaking indistinctly over television) (Chuckles) Rebecca: Maybe you're right.
About there being love in my life.
He did love me.
Love comes in many forms.
But the kind of love a child needs is the kind they can count on.
What does that mean? Wake up, sleepyhead! I made pancakes.
Oh, wow.
Morning.
Good morning.
You know, I really do love you, Becca.
Of course you do.
Naomi was just keeping us apart.
- Yeah.
- But that's over now.
And next time I won't have to make a secret plan.
I'm going to ask her if I can spend holidays with you from now on.
- Well - Wouldn't that be great? Sure.
Santa Fe is-is wonderful at Christmas.
Yes, Christmas! I'm half-Christmas anyway.
(Doorbell rings) (Sighs) Just a minute.
Hi, Naomi.
Silas.
No.
Mom, no! What is she doing here? What are you doing here? No one asked you to come.
God, I hate this part.
I hate this part.
This is when she ripped me away from him.
You know, he loved me.
He did.
But of course I couldn't have that.
Did you snoop around my room? Oh, you did, didn't you?! You're such a snoop! Becca, get your things and get in the car.
- No.
- Becca? - No, you can't make me! - Listen to me.
Tell her! We have plans The museums, holidays, Christmas right? Rebecca, honey.
Go in the car for a moment while your mother and I talk.
I'll see what I can do.
All right? Okay, and I know what happened next.
- She ruined everything.
- (Shushes) There was nothing more Listen.
Naomi: Silas? (Sighs) Silas? She came all this way to see you.
She spent her own money.
She came up with this fakakta plan.
Why do you have to make me take her back right away? Can't you just spend time with her for a couple of days? I'll-I'll go to a spa.
I'll-I'll-I'll wait.
I-I I could use a good scrub.
I have plans, Naomi.
- No one told me.
- Plans, I bet.
- Who is she? - Oh, don't you judge me.
I wasn't prepared! Prepared for what? She's your child! And-and she cooks and she does dishes and she won't be a bother to you.
For heaven's sake, Silas, be a person! Have a heart! You're her father! She loves you! Don't you tell me what I should do! How to be a father! All right, when I get my life together, when I am really settled down, I'll come see her.
Right.
I'll figure out a plan.
I want to.
She's she's a cute kid.
She, she's not a kid! She's your daughter, you ass! I just can't have anyone holding me back right now.
Naomi: Right.
Silas: Please don't tell her.
She won't understand.
Don't worry, I won't tell her.
Not for your sake but for hers.
So she'll never know what you're capable of.
Or not capable of.
And I didn't see him for two more years.
And I always blamed her.
I always thought she was the one keeping us apart.
She never told me any of this.
Why? Because she didn't want to hurt you.
Because someone did love you.
Someone still does.
Just didn't happen to be him.
See, there is love in your life.
You just have to know how to find it.
That's what you take away from that story? That my mother loved me? Okay, with all due respect, a mother's love That's the bare minimum.
I mean, geez, serial killers have mothers that love them.
What I take away from that story is, my father's even worse than I thought.
I always knew he was an abandoning piece garbage, but, geez, I thought at least I could blame my mother for it.
Can't believe she never told me that story.
She never misses an opportunity to rub things in.
Maybe you misjudged her in some way.
Maybe I did.
Well, thanks a lot, dream ghost.
You just made everything a lot worse.
Because now I have to be nicer to my mom.
Boo.
God, and this just only proves my point.
It's like I said.
Love never lasts.
Nobody really cares about me.
Where would she have gone without telling me? It's not like her.
She always tells me everything.
I don't know.
Like I said, I've been texting her and calling her for the last day, and nothing.
Why have you been texting her? Um, that's not really any of your business.
(Laughing): Oh, pumpkin! If you only knew what was my business! I know that you and Rebecca kissed.
I know that you were gonna tell Valencia and that she was gonna dropkick your ass.
- How did you ? - Wait! Did you and Valencia not break up? Oh, no, you two are staying together, aren't you? Again, not really any of your And Rebecca found out! Oh, my god! She couldn't know.
I-I haven't told her yet.
Okay, I just need to calm down and think! - (Door opens) - I just need to calm down! Where is Rebecca? What is happening? She didn't show up for work.
And I called her and I texted her and I e-mailed her, and nothing.
Why are you wearing a bathrobe? Is that your nipple? Well You called in sick today! It is a personal day, Darryl! Personal! Personal means one person.
Why is he here? He is here because he is also looking for Rebecca.
Yeah, I'm starting to get kind of worried.
Oh, my god, the cheerful man is worried? I mean, is Rebecca missing? Okay, so after that heartwarming story with my father, you better have something good up your ghost sleeve.
After your father's abandonment Wow, you're a downer.
What were your other relationships like after that? With other men? Oh, my god, they were fantastic.
They were beautiful, filled with respect and mutual orgasms.
What do you think? They were disasters.
Look, I didn't show you that last memory to upset you.
I wanted you to see that sometimes love comes up in unexpected places.
(Mimicking): "Oh, loves comes in unexpect " Is that right? Take, for instance, sophomore year, Harvard.
That play you were in.
Wait, that play? That wasn't fun, and I quit halfway through.
Why is that important? But something very important happened to you there.
All right, fine, we going back to college? - Mm-hmm.
- Great.
Let's gain some weight.
Man: Well, it was a tough process, but you made it through.
You are the cream of the crop.
You're late.
Theodore, make a note of that in our attendance records, please.
15 people auditioned; I could only take 11.
This musical adaptation of Moby Dick is my senior thesis, and it is not gonna be easy.
I'm so excited.
I'm, like, obsessed with the songs in the show.
I've memorized them all.
- Wow, that's cool.
- Yeah.
Now, as we embark on this struggle together, this triumphant struggle Because it will be a triumph, - make no mistake about that - What do you play? I'm fish # 3.
Uh, I'm a swabber.
I swab the decks, like, the whole play.
(Clicks tongue) Lucky.
Guys! Let's see some focus.
Thank you.
Now, as I was saying All right, good stuff, everybody.
Remember, keep your bodies connected at all times.
Point of the exercise.
So I'm totally pre-law, and if my mom found out I was doing this play, she'd, like, stop paying my tuition.
I feel kind of stupid.
Do you? Yeah.
(Laughs) Guys, let's take this seriously.
This exercise will help us develop - (Rebecca laughs) - a physical shorthand with each other.
Now, all right, everyone, take a look here.
Thank you.
Watch me and fish # 3.
Right here.
- Right there? - Mm-hmm, come on.
Oh.
O Kay.
Yeah, just like that.
Okay.
Well, there goes that.
You're good at this.
Oh, thank you.
(Giggles) Oh, thanks.
(Panting) I'm gonna bump you up to fish # 1.
(Gasps) Thank you.
Whoa.
Whew, I haven't done that in years.
I Does anybody actually like that? (Man moaning) I just Ooh.
So, wait, I'm confused.
Are you trying to tell me that Warren, the douche bag senior, was the love of my life? (Snaps) Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
I know what you're trying to tell me.
I know where this is going.
It's not really about the whale the whale is a symbol, Ahab though it's a chore I'll just mop the floor Ahab, can't you see? The whale is a metaphor.
- Ah, that's not bad.
- Thanks.
I saw you got bumped up the food chain.
Congrats.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
You know I really like all this.
You know, music and theater.
I hadn't done it since this summer camp I went to, like, a million years ago, but I forgot how happy it made me.
That's great.
I'm really happy for you.
There.
I know what you're gonna say.
You're saying that I should have looked past Warren and gone for Peter, because he really cared about me, right? The lesson's not over.
Tell me what happened next.
You're also sleeping with Jennifer? Like, Jennifer, as in "Kip the Cabin Boy"? Rebecca, we never said we were exclusive.
That's not what my lifestyle as an artist is about.
But I like you.
- I-I really like you.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, I don't know if I can be in the play if you're just sleeping with someone else in front of me.
Well, that's your choice.
There's other fish in the sea.
In this case, the metaphor applies.
Uh, okay, then, well, I quit.
Yeah, I quit the play.
Suit yourself, fish # 1.
I get what you're saying.
I made a mistake.
I should have seen past my superficial feelings for the roguish jerk to see the value of a nice guy like Peter.
Oh, god.
No! (Akopian scoffs) Forget about the guys.
That's the worst part about being a ghost and working with women So much talk about the guys.
It's like, "guys, forget the guys.
" Wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm-I'm confused.
You loved that play.
You loved theater, and you loved music, and you were gonna change your major.
You spent hours practicing alone.
Ahab, can't you see? The whale is a metaphor.
(Mumbles) Ahab, can't you Okay, so I loved being in a play.
But that's not a person.
So how is that real love? Love doesn't have to be a person.
It can be a passion.
And that passion has sustained you for much of your life, hasn't it? I guess it has.
Yeah.
Yeah, when things get tough, it's how I understand the world.
Hmm, I imagine my life as a series of musical numbers.
I know.
Thanks for the solo, by the way.
I always wanted to rock some sequins.
(Both chuckle) As I was saying, love comes in different forms.
You know, Rebecca, maybe it's not that you don't have love in your life.
Maybe it's that you don't recognize it when it's there.
I am a puffer fish I am also the queen of denial.
We get flashlights and we sweep the forest.
Darryl, there's no forest.
What about those birch trees over by the 10 freeway? Oh, I can call her mom.
Are you kidding?! I mean, I love you, - but that's that's a horrible idea.
- (Door opens) - (Door closes) - Yeah, no, no.
Hello? Please.
âuh, what's he doing here? Darryl texted me, uh, to come over.
Something about Rebecca? What's wrong? Yeah, she is completely off the reservation.
- We don't know where she is.
- Mm-hmm.
When's the last time someone talked to her? Paula: I saw her yesterday.
But then she didn't reply to my text, but I thought, "no, that's okay, because she's on a trip, and wearing a bikini and floppy hat," but apparently she's not.
Well, that's it, I'm calling the police.
Greg: Whoa, whoa, and-and tell them what? That a person known for being unpredictable and impulsive has been missing for a day? Paula: You don't understand.
Rebecca always tells me what she's doing.
Paula, with all due respect, you haven't known her that long.
Okay, Greg, just because you're super hot doesn't mean you get to come in here and say mean statements about my friendship, Mr.
Stud.
Is Greg super hot? Well, yeah, if you like angry.
Sure.
Josh: Okay, wait-wait, Darryl's right.
Like, not about Greg being super hot or whatever.
But we need to do something - right now.
- Yeah.
I've had enough.
I'm gonna figure out where she is.
Darryl: Whoa! That's not cool.
What? Your friends don't know all your passwords? Mmm, not sure I would call them friends, then, Darryl.
A'ight, let's find out what we've got here.
Deleted messages.
Okay, I'm out.
I'm not doing this.
I'm sure she's fine and there's nothing to worry about.
When Rebecca comes back Probably any second Tell her I said hey.
Oh, my god.
Josh: What? What is it? Has she been catfished by a drug smuggler? - What? - I watched this TV show called "Catfished by a Drug Smuggler".
It's on the new Catfishing Channel.
Oh, my god, it is so good.
I-I binged the entire thing.
Okay, I know what's happening.
- You do? - Yes.
- What? - She is moving back to New York! At least we know she's not dead.
Uh, it's worse than her dying.
She is leaving us! I can't believe she's moving back to New York.
Oh, that's just schmuckbait She's not going anywhere.
She's just being dramatic.
No! She has a plane ticket, a job offer.
She's looking at sublets.
Oh, my god, she didn't tell me any of this! And as quickly as she entered our lives, - poof she's gone.
- Oh, stop it, Darryl, she's not gone, okay? She's not allowed to disappear on me.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I'm so confused.
She said she hated living in New York.
We talk about it all the time.
I mean, she wasn't happy there.
Yeah, but sometimes there are things that are more important than being happy.
I was unhappily married.
But I had a child and I stuck it out.
- For years.
- She can't do this.
She can't just opt out because it got hard.
I mean, you don't think I want to opt out every day? You think I don't want to unsubscribe from, like, half the things in my life? Paula, if that's true, then you should change your life.
People actually do that.
- Not me, but, you know - I still don't get it.
This town is great.
She told me she loved it here.
Why would she want to leave? Rebecca: So let's recap.
My mother loves me, I love music.
Fantastic.
You're skirting the real issue which got us here in the first place, which is that I can't find anybody to love me.
Like, real love.
Like, boy-girl love.
I mean, that's okay, that's gender normative.
But you get what I'm saying, right? It's like me lovee you, kissy kissy kissy time, we make babies now, and I'm doing an accent.
I don't know why I'm doing an accent.
(Chuckles): Look, you're not the only person to have difficulties in this area.
Maybe you don't have one special person, but you have many people.
Plural people? Hello? They're here because they love you.
What? No.
Mm-hmm.
No.
No.
(Exhales) Oh, they all look so worried.
I should text Paula.
Can I text someone from a dream? Okay, guess I can't.
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, it's my bonus check.
I'm not broke anymore.
I can buy back my Hyundai! - Yay! - Shh! Listen! God, you talk too much.
(Mimicking): Talk too much.
Can't believe my cookie is moving away.
We had some really great times together.
Darryl: She was the best employee I ever had.
No, I mean It wasn't just that.
Rebecca made me wake up.
You know, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have changed my life.
Josh: Me neither.
I mean, she got me that job at Aloha's.
She helped me believe in myself for the first time, like ever.
Paula: She helped me with my marriage.
She was like a surrogate daughter.
What, me? I got nothin'.
She's done nothing but cause problems for me.
I don't even know why I'm still here.
Rebecca: Okay, so all these people are technically here, but that doesn't necessarily mean they love me.
Let's contrast how they're feeling with the way people felt when you left New York.
Whoa Well, good riddance to bad rubbish.
- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.
You know what? Now that I think about it, I might miss her.
(All laughing) Good one, right? God, she's a heinous bitch.
Akopian: West Covina was the first place that you acted like a person.
And because of it, you forged true relationships.
Look how worried they are.
Look at how everyone cares about you.
No, not everyone.
He probably knows me as well as anyone here.
He doesn't care if I live or die.
You heard him.
Are you sure? Are you sure he doesn't care? I mean, I thought I was, but now that you say it like that, I'm not so sure anymore.
Look at his phone.
(Sighs) Wait, won't he notice if I grab his phone? Again, dream.
Ghost.
Illusion.
Let me just freeze everything for a second.
Whoa! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh.
Your powers are so cool.
This is amazing.
This is so cool.
Wait, like How does one become a dream ghost? What's the application process like? 'Cause this, I could do some damage with (Clears throat) Right.
Greg's phone, Greg's phone.
Okay.
Look at his calls.
The ones he made before he knew you were safe.
Okay.
Oh, my god.
He called every hospital in the area.
And some morgues.
Now, why would he do that? Because he's hoping I was dead? Because he cares about me.
What do you think? I mean he doesn't show it.
He's always so angry at me.
Yeah, hot guys are kind of like that.
The middle-aged ladies really dig Greg.
Oh, yes.
I wish he was a search term on porn sites.
Okay, let's cool it, dream ghost.
But this is not about Greg or any one man It is about you, Rebecca.
God, do you know how hard it is to pass the Bechdel Test when you're a dream ghost? Oh.
Yeah, I bet.
There's a lot of love in your life, Rebecca.
If you opened your heart to the possibilities of all kinds of love, something good might happen.
You spend so much time obsessing about this one here, you've lost sight of everything else.
And everyone else.
I've just been dreaming about him for so long.
(Rebecca scoffs) Like, most of my life.
He is the dream, dream ghost.
But he is an illusion.
Just like I am.
Maybe it's time you see what else is in your life besides Josh Chan.
Wake up, Rebecca.
(Exclaims) What's wrong? Oh, my god.
You were right.
Everything you said was right.
Uh, I didn't say anything.
You've been busy sleeping and I've been binge-watching Broad City.
(Chuckles) It's so funny.
These girls just don't care.
Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, I know this game.
I know how dream ghosts work.
Right, 'cause it was all a dream and you were a ghost, but now you're gonna do something all winky and I'm gonna go, "wait, it was all real.
" (Laughs) I think you need more therapy than I initially thought.
Maybe you should come in twice a week.
Yeah, okay.
Whatever you say.
But oh, my gosh, you changed my life, Dr.
Dream Ghost Akopian.
Oh, you made me You made me see past all of my delusions that were been holding me back.
Oh, and it's the other dream ghosts.
I have to thank them.
Thank you, other dream ghosts.
Excuse me, lady? She's the one that was snoring and grunting.
You-you guys should all get dental.
How many sleeping pills have you had? So many.
It would be such a bummer if she moved away without even saying good-bye.
Well, maybe we can think of some way to make her stay here in town.
What would make her stay? Come here a second.
If you want Rebecca to stay in town, you can make that happen.
What? Oh, god! Josh, you don't understand? You don't see what this has all been about for Rebecca? I-I don't understand what you're Well, I'm out.
(Grunts softly) If she decides to sell the furniture, I call dibs on the big fish.
Wait, what are you saying? I'm saying look at these.
Guys, wait, I hear something.
(Door opens) You're here! - (Laughing) - Yeah.
Yeah, I, uh I got on a plane and then I got off and got right back on another plane and I've been in the same outfit for ten hours and I feel and smell terrific.
We found out about New York.
I-I looked on your laptop.
I assumed you would.
You're back for now or for good? Um - For good.
- Oh, thank god.
We really thought you were gone.
(Laughs) I knew you weren't going anywhere.
You've got your reasons for living in this town.
Welcome back, Bunch.
- I'm out.
- Hey.
Um thank you for being here.
See you later, suckers.
- I am so glad you're okay.
- Oh Mm! Please don't ever leave me again.
It hurts my heart.
Oh, Darryl.
Hey, um, why are you in my bathrobe? Oh, that's a long story.
I will tell you later.
(Both chuckle) Oh, my god.
Okay, I got to go.
Uh, you kids talk, I am going to wash this bathrobe and give it to you at work.
I am so glad you're back! Okay, bye! Um So I see my pictures arrived.
Rebecca, what are all these? Why do you have them? Rebecca Are you in love with me? I want to go to the nearest planet with intelligent life and see a play.
This alien play is amazing.
He loved her so much, he traveled to Planet Fnorg to see her.
Even though that planet is mostly sulfur and Zerps can't even breathe sulfur.
He would rather have five minutes with her than live another 30 years.
Love Is there anything more universal? - Oh! - Yes! Go! Oh!