Dads s01e15 Episode Script

1 Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Somebody left an application for So You Think You Can Dance on the printer? Not me.
Mine.
You can dance? I think I can.
Show me.
No, you can't.
Surprise! Hey, honey! What are you doing here? Uh, I've got some bad news.
I just talked to my sister.
And she's going through a rough patch.
Oh.
Oh, no! What's happening? And tell him the long version, thanks.
Well, things are a little rocky with Joaquin.
Oh, why? Did she "Joaquin" on him with another woman? And her ceramics business hit just a bit of a snag.
Aw, that's so weird.
I heard she was "kiln it.
" Oh, I love when he does that with words.
Oh your sister.
Yes, my sister.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, she needs me right now, so is it okay if I just go visit her for a few days? Uh, and the kids are gonna be They'll come with me.
Is that okay? Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, you need to be there for your sister.
As do the kids.
Thanks for understanding.
Okay, yeah.
I'll call you when I get there.
Yeah.
Nubbins, nubbins, nubbins, nubbins, nubbins I'll miss you.
All right, I'll miss you.
I miss you already.
All right, I love you.
I love you.
Yeah! Yeah! First time alone in five years! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! See that, n Yeah! Now he can dance! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Daddy took me to the zoo Na, na, na, na Just to see something brand-new Na, na, na So many stars up in the sky So many questions have I Na, na, na, na Daddy took me for a ride.
Yeah, no wife! No kids! Yeah, yeah! Oh, God, what do I do, Eli? What do I do? First time I'm home alone in-in years.
I don't know what to do.
Oh, my gosh.
You can, you can, you can do whatever you want.
Yeah! Alcohol, video games, pornography.
Pornography.
Yeah.
Yeah, you got any DVDs I could borrow? DVDs? Yeah.
Here, uh, this flash drive has every porn ever made up until this morning.
Hey, Warner? Yeah.
I heard Camila's gonna be out of town.
So I guess it's just the two of us, huh? When the cat's away.
Uh-huh.
By the way, the cat ran away this morning.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You know what? You know, this is my week home alone.
So, you know, you-you take this money.
And you go to a hotel.
Yeah! All right.
Okay.
What? Wait a minute.
That works? Hold, hold hey, hey, uh, Dad, Dad, Dad ? You will go to a hotel.
I will go to a hotel.
And you will not come back.
Oh, yes, I will.
Mm-wah! All right, listen up.
We are going to act like a couple of corporate hotshots and get a ton of free perks.
Follow my lead.
Hi.
Hello.
I am Crawford Whittemore.
Vice president of Whittemore Industries.
And this is my longtime partner, David Sachs.
Your partner? Mm-hmm.
We've known each other 30 years.
30 years? Wow! Yup.
You two are an inspiration.
And I will bend over forward to make sure you get everything you need.
Don't you mean backward? No.
Well, we just want to get on up to the room, hang that "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door, and get right down to business.
Yes, sir.
Wow! You believe this place? A Jacuzzi tub, a canopy bed.
Where's your bed? It has a full wet bar.
Where's your bed? Got a gift basket of-of condoms.
Where's your bed? "Jeb Rodrigo's Gentlemen's Lubricant.
" They think we're gay.
What could possibly have given them that idea? You told them we were longtime partners who wanted Yeah? to rush up to the room and get down to business.
Knock, knock.
Complimentary caviar and champagne for our VIGPs.
Oh, the "G" stands for "gay.
" Oh, my God.
Ooh.
This gay lifestyle really melts in your mouth.
Well, it is pretty nice.
Well, what do you say, partner? "Free couples massage.
" Well, as gay men must say a lot, I'm in.
All right, well, the first thing you do when your wife is out of town, you look up old girlfriends on Facebook.
Why would I want to see what old girlfriends are doing if I'm a happily married man? 'Cause it's fun.
You can see if they got fat.
Or if they married people that are fat.
You know, or if they had kids that are fat.
I don't care I don't know, no.
Come on, come on! Let's look up, uh, Judy Stone.
Oh, my God! She shot herself in 2008.
The chicken stew! It have message for Mr.
Warner.
No, Edna, no.
Not this again.
What? Edna reads the chicken bones in her stew.
And she thinks that it can predict the future.
Well, has it ever been right? Chicken stew predict 9-11.
No one listen when I call Pentagon.
Well, what does it say about me? This chicken stew say three things.
Oh, that is some chatty stew.
Number one you get something for nothing.
Come on! That is pretty generic.
Number two a redhead will ruin your life.
Oh, my God, it's already coming true.
Sorry.
You make baby with your father's face.
I'm gonna make a baby with my father's face? What does that even mean? Chicken stew say, "This interview over.
" Yeah! Yeah! I shot you in the throat! Yeah, why don't you cry about it, stupid bitch? Oh! Oh, why don't you get your mommy? Ooh, yeah! Yeah.
Oh, no, don't-don't-d-don't Hi, ma'am.
No, I'm s I-I-I didn't know he was eight.
Well-well, I'm only nine.
It's open! Hey, oh! Hey! This place looks great! This place looks disgusting.
Warner, it's Tuesday.
Even though your family's gone, you still have to come to work.
Honestly, I forgot I had a job.
Here, this was in the driveway.
Oh, I don't subscribe to the newspaper.
Oh, my God! What? "You'll get something for nothing.
" Edna's prediction came true.
No Yes! What are you talking about? Edna has a chicken stew that she thinks can predict the future.
I know that stew.
It once told me I was gonna cause a car accident.
And then I did.
I don't think yo horrig has anything to do with the stew.
Oh, you got onto Facebook.
All right.
Yeah, you know, I had a question.
Does everyone have to post pictures of everything they eat? Yeah.
Who's Maria? She keeps poking you.
Oh, Maria? Your crazy ex Maria? Yeah she-she posted a picture of a, of a cranberry muffin that looked good, so, you know, I "liked" it.
And then, uh, 14 pokes later, here we are.
By-by-by the way, what does poke mean? Uh, how can I explain that? If a guy pokes another guy, then it's like, "Hey, how are you?" And if a girl pokes a guy, it's like "Oh, you fancy a cranberry muffin, sir?" Forget about shiatsu.
I'll take he-atsu any day.
I've never been so relaxed.
Sorry about those farts.
Sir, that's a compliment.
Like an Arab burping after a meal.
Speaking of which, your complimentary breakfast will be here shortly.
But we didn't order it.
Oh, I did.
Well, that's stupid.
It'll be cold by the time we're done.
Why do you always find fault with everything I do? Because you're wrong all the time.
Like when? Like the movie you picked last night.
I'm an adult staying at a hotel.
I don't want to watch Rango.
Marriage, huh? What? Married? No, no, no.
We're not marr Uh Oh, uh, sorry, honey.
That's all right.
Hmm, well, look who's back.
I'm not back.
I'm just getting pretzel rods.
Oh, hi.
Can I help you? I'm actually looking for Warner! Maria.
Oh, my God, I thought you lived in Boston.
Why-why are you here? Uh, honestly, you.
I was so excited that you liked my cranberry muffin, I thought I'd bring you one.
You flew, you flew 3,000 miles to give me a muffin? Actually, I flew 2,000.
The last thousand I hitchhiked.
God, that sounds dangerous.
It it is.
So, are you free for dinner tonight? Oh, no, uh No, I-I can't, you know? I got the, uh, I got my house to myself tonight.
And I was gonna, I was gonna go home and-and look at pictures of my beautiful wife and kids.
And then turn in at, like, 4:00 p.
m.
That's perfect.
I know where you live.
I'll come by and take pictures of you eating my muffin.
Then you'll post it on Facebook, and I'll like it.
Then I'll take a picture of you liking it, I'll post that, we'll tag each other, and then boom! 60 likes, minimum! Oh, my God, it's' so amazing! Oh, my God.
Eli, help me.
Uh, hey, hey, hey.
Maria? Huh? Hey, there's no need for you to go to his house.
Ever.
Yeah, maybe you should go to a restaurant.
Where there's witnesses and security cameras.
How's 8:00 sound? Oh, great.
Great! 8:00.
I don't want your muin.
Okay.
I can't believe all the free stuff we keep getting.
I know.
No wonder so many people choose to be gay.
Oh, wow.
I'd like to bite down on that and have it drag me to death.
We have a problem.
Those two aren't gay.
Yeah, I think you're right.
I used all my finger powers on them.
Even gave them my patented inner thigh mash.
Nothing.
Bar's closed, faux-mos.
We're not faux-mos.
Yeah.
We're on our homosexual honeymoon.
Shh.
Don't tell God.
I can't wait for everyone to see my coleslaw.
It's gonna blow up.
Do you guys mind if I have a few minutes alone with Warner? Alone? No.
I-I think we should cherish this moment with friends.
Oh sure, we can go make out in the car, right? Yeah, if we're in a closed garage and the engine is running.
Ooh.
Wait, please stay? Be right back.
Waiter, could I uh, would you like to join us? Warner? Yeah, yeah.
There's something that I need to talk to you about.
I didn't realize when we were dating, but you were the best man I'd ever meet.
Life hasn't gone the way that I thought it would.
I'm almost 40, still single.
All the guys I dated were jerks.
Except for you.
You are the kindest, most ethical person I've ever met.
Okay, I'm a, I'm a happily, happily, happily Oh, I don't want you to leave your wife.
You don't? 'Cause phew.
I just want to have a baby, and I need some of your sperm.
What? What did she say, Howard? I'm not wearing my hearing aid.
Sperm! Maria, I'm not, I'm not gonna have intercourse with you.
Oh, no, no, no! Nothing like that.
I-I know how much you love your family.
And I just want the same for myself.
You'll never see the child.
No one will ever find out.
No, I-I can't.
No.
I am not leaving this city without drops of you in my purse.
You make baby with your father's face.
Hey, nice restaurant! You said yes?! Well, what else was I supposed to say? No! Eli, she's crazy and she was doing the crazy person cry.
With the eyes Ew.
Yeah, no, I just wanted to end the conversation.
Which is actually sort of the same reason why I got engaged.
Edna, what does the chicken say? It say, "Cluck, cluck.
" Sometimes chicken just chicken.
Eli, what am I gonna do? She said she's not leaving town unless she has it.
And she definitely can't be here when my wife gets back.
This is your fault.
You got to help me out.
I got it! When is sperm not sperm? When? When it's not sperm.
Okay, so why did you pose the question like it's an exciting riddle? No, you're right.
Let's just saeverhing in life in the most boring way possible! Mr.
Eli? What is a sperm? It's the, it's the liquid that made all your babies.
Oh.
Tequila.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Look at this! They're charging us for all those perks.
We can't pay this.
How'd they figure out we're straight? I can't believe we were "inned.
" Okay, there is still one thing we can do.
What are you doing? They're coming around with their turndown service Yeah? and we, my friend, are gonna convince them that we are gay, okay? Follow my lead.
Oh! Look at that 65-year-old penis! I am enjoying your gay touch! Oh, yes! Your droopy butt is my paradise! Oh, oh Why aren't you saying anything? This is what I do during sex.
Stare coldly in the distance and think of Wonder Woman.
Look do you want to pay the 750 bucks? Touch my butt! Just a little bit to the left.
Oh, yes! Yeah, let's keep having sex! That's just the way I like it! No girls allowed! Penis style! Oh, oh! Yes, yes, yes! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Uh-oh! You really think we can fool her by making fake sperm? Yeah, why not? Eli, this is stupid.
I don't want to do this.
Okay, well, in that case, then you can tell Camila you agreed to give your ex-girlfriend your sperm.
We can make fake sperm, yeah.
We can make fake sperm.
Ooh Weird science Plastic tubes and pots and pans Bits and pieces and the magic from the hand We're making weird science Things I've never seen before Behind bolted doors, talent And imagination, weird science Not what teacher said to do Making dreams come true, living tissue, warm flesh Weird science, ooh Plastic tubes and pots and pans, bits and pieces And bits and pieces and my creation Is it real? It's my creation, ooh My creation, it's my creation Weird science Weird Weird science, ooh Magic and technology Voodoo dolls and chants Ah! Thank God you're here.
Hey.
I was afraid you changed your mind.
Oh, no, I was just, uh, actually taking extra time to pick out all the best little sperms.
Why are you here? It's my cooler.
This is so incredible of you.
You're one of a kind, Warner.
Yeah, they broke the mold.
Broke that mold.
Ow.
I want to use the mold! Well, you can't.
Too bad.
It's broken.
Thank you, Warner.
I can't wait till this grows into a beautiful man.
Just like his papa.
It'll be worth the painful and expensive insemination process.
And the horrible thing that happened to me hitchhiking on the way here.
You know what? I'm so I'm-I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I-I-I I can't let you do this.
What? Why? No, just trust me.
Y-You need to give it back.
No, you're just having cold feet.
Okay, I'm sorry, I-I can't let you do this.
You-you got to give it back.
No seriously, give it back.
Give it back.
Stop.
No, no! You know, it's flattering that people even thought I could get a guy like you.
Don't sell yourself short.
You've got great legs and gorgeous chestnut eyes.
They're blue.
Don't ruin the moment.
Oh! Bananas foster? You will make a baby with your father's face.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
This is the gayest thing I've ever seen.