Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e15 Episode Script
Hush, Hush Sweet Charlatan
# Daring duck of mystery # Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows # Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes # But his number's up Three.
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # But bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - Darkwing Duck - Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck! (Darkwing) The crime-fighter moved through the dark streets.
His every sense alert to any insidious injustice, malicious misdeed or unspeakable crime.
He knew the night held new challenges to test his skills and he was ready! But first I have to pick up the kids from the movies.
Uh-oh, the kids will have to wait.
Looks like Earth is being invaded by aliens.
(screaming) (screaming continues) (thump) Attaboy, Launchpad, keep the kids at a safe distance.
- This is a job for - (all) Darkwing Duck?! Precisely.
And now for a lesson in manners, you Martian miscreants.
Take a hike, bub.
I'm the hero in this precinct.
No room for interstellar hooligans around here.
Please, no need for thanks.
- Cut! - Cut? Oh, movie.
Heh-heh.
That cursed duck is not in my script! Oh, nice, Dad.
You've just saved the world from a movie! Yeah, DW, this isn't real.
It's Space Duck.
: Attack of the Teenage Mutant Martian Mallards.
Part 12.
You could have shared that information earlier, you know.
This picture's putting me back on top where I belong.
You cause trouble, and I'll bash every bone in your beak, buster! - Who's Miss Congeniality? - Boy, DW, you gotta get out more.
That's Gloria Swansong, star of stage, screen and countless deodorant commercials.
Sorry, maestro, but I thought this was the end of civilization as we know it.
No hard feelings, eh? Hey, you look familiar.
Don't you know me from someplace? Never been there.
Of course, you're my archrival, the villainous Tuskerninni! Say, shouldn't you be behind bars? I have abandoned my life of crime.
I live now for the cinema.
I'm A.
F.
Erret.
Head of A.
F.
Erret studios.
And you just ruined an expensive scene in an A.
F.
Erret production! He must be a, uh, ferret.
Come on, kids, let's get outta here! But, Dad, if we don't stay, I'll grow up thinking these big, gruesome, drooly monsters are real.
Why, the emotional scars could last a lifetime! We're going and we're going now.
Throw knives at me, drop nuclear warheads on me - that, I can deal with.
But she gives me that little pouty beak and I'm mush.
(screaming) Unhand that maiden! Oh, pa-lease! - These aren't the Middle Ages, you know.
- Cut! I'm not trying to tell you your job, Ingmar, but no self-respecting hero would be caught dead with one of these.
(clanking) Take two! I give you one last chance, in the name of intergalactic peace, to disavow this evil scheme and Cut! What is this? Now you're negotiating with space monsters? - Who writes this stuff anyway? - I do! No offense intended, Hitch, but you want realism don't you? - You want accuracy? - I want quiet! Action! - The alien raises his X-37 death inducer - Whoa! Is this exciting or what? Huh.
It's nothing more than cheap special effects, Launchpad.
Mere movie trickery.
The hero leaps for cover.
And now, the alien fires.
Oh, goodness gracious, this ray gun was loaded.
"Leading man injured in mysterious accident, as so-called crime-fighter Darkwing Duck twiddles thumbs.
" Who are they calling so-called? You oughta sue for definition of character.
I'll do more than that, I'll go to the studio and solve the crime.
Keen gear! We're gonna go see them make Space Duck.
: Attack of the Teenage Mutant Martian Mallards.
- Part 12.
- I'll go pack! You are not going anywhere.
Come on, Launchpad.
Let's give that land of fantasy a taste of real-life heroics.
- Come on, Honker, we gotta help.
- But, Gosalyn, your dad said I know what he said, but what he meant was: "Gosalyn, I can't possibly do it without you.
" When dealing with adults you have to read between the lines.
Here we are, A.
Ferret Studios.
I've faced some of the most ruthless, brutal, cold-blooded thugs of the century - I hope it's prepared me for movie people.
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the hair in the lens of your projector.
I am DW, why couldn't we go through the gate like everybody else? Because I am not like everybody else! I am Darkwing Duck! Perhaps you'd like to show me your gate pass, hm? Uh, ha-ha.
I left it in my other cape? For your information, sir, I happen to be Darkwing Duck.
Yes, the Darkwing Duck.
Here to solve a crime, thank you.
What we have here, is a failure to communicate.
It's OK, I know the score.
You're underpaid, underappreciated.
You work long hours.
Your children don't respect you.
Life has no meaning anymore.
You don't know where to turn.
But I'm here for you, pal.
I'm here, don't keep it bottled up inside.
You're right! (sobbing) There's no structure to my universe.
Psychology.
Hey! I don't have any children.
(film projector whirring) The whole scene, ruined by that idiot! I'll go bankrupt! I'll lose the studio! Nix the negativity, my friend! For I, Darkwing Duck, am about to write the final scene in this mystery.
Not you again! Every time you're around it costs me money.
The villain made one major bungle, mainly, that the crime itself was captured forever on film.
Boy, if there's one thing I like more than a movie, it's a free movie.
I will now show you that piece of celluloid, Mr.
Ferret, and expose the criminal's identity.
Launchpad, the projector.
It's not Ferret, it's Erret.
Erret! Direct your attention, Mr.
Erret Erret, to the rubbish pile here.
A seemingly innocent bystander, easily overlooked.
A fly! A fly on the projector! Oh yes! Yes, so it is.
Then if the fly's innocent, that can only mean the perpetrator is someone else! Guard! Guard! Well, uh, no more questions for now, Mr.
Ferret, Erret, whatever.
But don't leave town! (woman) The top half of the sound stage to your left was built in 1925 at a cost of $5,000.
The bottom half was completed in 1929 Look, Honker, Space Duck is my all-time favorite, and I'm gonna make sure Part 12 gets made.
But what if your dad finds us? We'll just have to be careful he doesn't find us.
Besides, do you have any idea what they pay for scripts in this town? I am about to experience a very emotional moment.
It should, I believe, be captured for posterity.
That idiot, A.
F.
Erret, still won't sell his studio, and now Darkwing Duck complicates my scenario.
This studio sits atop more wealth than even I can imagine.
See how the oil flows.
Oh, my plan was flawless.
A multi-million dollar failure, to drive the studio into bankruptcy, so I could buy the land for peanuts.
A closeup.
My script now requires a small revision.
(chuckles) The inclusion of one more tragic accident.
Iris-Out.
There's something fishy going on around here, LP.
Any picture with Tuskerninni in it has to be rated "D" for devious, dangerous and rotten.
What about demented? Dishonest? Dreadful? Desist! We must remain on our guard? - John.
- Marsha.
- John! - Oh, Marsha! I learned from the janitor, former vice president of production John! Marsha! that the studio is in serious financial trouble.
In fact, someone's trying to buy the place.
What do you know about this Gloria Swansong? Well, I know she's been - en garde - married 27 times and I think all her husbands are dead.
And there's a rumor about - touché! - a phantom.
They say it's the ghost of her first ex-husband! Good going, LP! I'm quite impressed with your skills of detection.
Actually, I read it in supermarket tabloid.
In this scene, the count and countess learn of the revolution by the peasants.
- Oh, I really don't know if I want to do this.
- Keep your culottes on, pal.
Darkwing Duck is on the job.
And no one is gonna sabotage this production while I'm here.
OK, Akira, roll 'em.
Hey, what happened to the space aliens? (Tuskerninni) Action! Yes, the actor was safe.
For not the slightest detail would escape the duck's eagle eye.
It's it's the phantom.
Spring forward! Fall back.
(gasps) Oh, my goodness gracious! "Darkwing Dope, incompetent crime-fighter, stands idly by as another actor is nearly killed.
" Hey, come on, don't take it too hard, DW.
Nobody reads that rag anyway.
And to your left, Darkwing Dope - incompetent crime-fighter.
That does it! I'm getting to the bottom of this.
Now comes the classic movie moment, in which the phantom is unmasked.
Uh, couldn't we just wait till it comes out on video? You check that way, I'll check this way and Go ahead, impose on my good nature.
No! I will not sell the studio for $ 20,000.
42.
(screaming) $ 20,000.
50? Yes, I'm listening.
- Hello? - (dial tone) Hello? Sell the studio? That's bogus.
No way, Mr.
Ferret.
Gosalyn, that's Mr.
Erret.
The A.
F.
Erret.
Whatever.
Baby, sweetcakes, break out the contracts.
'Cause when you hear the ideas I have Picture this: Humongous fish vampires, these big tremendous fangs dripping gooey-ooey blood.
They fly out of their aquariums and start ripping people's necks open.
- So, we got a sale here? - Guard! Guard! No hurry.
Sleep on it and we'll do lunch! Gosalyn, I thought we came here to help your dad? Oh, yeah, sure.
That, too.
How can I solve this baffling mystery if I'm thrown over walls every five minutes? Phew! He almost saw us that time, Gosalyn.
Westerns, weddings, wolf man Phantoms, perfect! Now if Dad sees us, he won't see us.
All right, Orson, this has gone on long enough.
I'm growing just the least bit tired of getting heaved over walls.
Hold it! Oh, yes, yes! The fire in those eyes! Another angry young man.
- Well, I admit I'm annoyed, but - Camera! Why didn't I see it before? That classic profile.
Oh, like it, do you? That beak! Ho-ho! So Romanesque.
R-r-r-uns in the family! You were born to play the hero.
You really think so? Well, I suppose I could.
Not that I have the least interest in fame, you understand.
But it would let me work from the inside.
Act as bait for the villain.
Uh, here, Mr.
Phantom.
Here, boy! Haven't seen any phantoms around, have you? - (moans) - (yells) (screams) Playacting in a movie, hah! Boy, the things I do to solve crimes.
My own dressing room! With my own star! Citizen Duck.
starring Darkwing Duck! (women scream) Why, I might get my own TV series! Easy, Darkwing, you're a hero, not a movie star.
Of course there's no law saying I can't be both.
In this scene, our hero will be played by Mr.
Darkwing Duck.
Him? I'm not playing opposite that big ham of a duck! Please, my dear, after the accidents, no actor in town will take the part.
Yes, so the hero returns to find Lulubelle's saloon aflame.
Saloon? Maestro, what ever happened to the space aliens? (stammers) That is the theme of my film, you see? We have all become aliens in our own society.
Lights, camera and action! Have no fear, my love.
Leap, and I shall save you! Have no fear, my love.
Leap, and I Oh, my.
Are you all right? Pfah! I feel like a million ducks - uh, bucks.
It must have been that phantom! Phantom shmantom.
A star is about to be born.
Let's try it again.
Take two! Have no fear, my Take three.
Hav Ha! - Ready when you are, CB.
- This is not how my script is written.
You see, page 33, Darkwing Duck dies and the brilliant director takes over the studio.
In this scene the hero heroically parachutes to save the heroine.
Uh, are you sure this is safe? Maybe I ought to have a stunt doub (screams) OK, Darkwing, keep your cool.
You've been in worse scrapes than this.
Like the time when you Hm, come to think of it, this is about as bad as it gets! (screams) You see! There is a phantom! You and your dead husbands! This is all your fault! Another expensive take! Ooh! - Are you all right? - So much for the lambada lessons.
Why the phantom must have sabotaged the parachute! That settles it.
I'm putting an end to this phantom business once and for all.
Otherwise, I'll never get to my closeup.
I oughta be memorizing lines, not hunting down phantoms.
I gotta get an agent.
(moaning) So, we meet at last Mr Phantom? Aha! Now you're mine? (door closes) Whoa, no! Unusual weather we've been having.
Aha! The phantom! (screaming) Oh, there you are.
Quickly, quickly.
The time has come to film your final scene.
Here, the hero is trapped in the circus wagon.
Which the villain has ringed with tons of explosives.
And now, Darkwing Duck, let us proceed with what shall truly be the final scene for you and your friends.
Launchpad, Swansong, Mr.
Ferret! What are you doing here? This is my big scene! And indeed it will be your death scene.
(laughs) - It's the phantom! - Is that you, Thaddeus? Bud? Oliver? Lou? Stan? Anatole? Vladimir? Josef? Rick? Wait a minute! Let me rewind this thing in my mind and run through it from the top.
First, the leading man was injured on location.
Then, his replacement is put out of commission in a palace by a phantom.
As for what happened to the space aliens? Beats me.
At which point, it was decided that I should take over the acting chores.
Brilliant decision.
Only to have someone try to kill me.
But I was saved from a grisly death by our new-found friend, the phantom.
And the aliens? I just don't know! And then, I end up trapped in a wagon with everybody and his brother, about to be blown up, without a space monster in sight.
Which leads me to conclude that the director, my archenemy Tuskerninni, is behind it all.
With the assistance of the phantom! At long last, this oil-rich land will be mine! Oh, if I could just get to my gas gun.
And now for one final time.
Lights, camera, act (alarm sounds) Oops! If there are no objections, we shall conclude this drama.
Again? What! You?! You, you're the hero! I demand you save me, it's your duty.
(Swansong gasps) It's my first husband! Um uh Newt Blemmer! I thought you died in the Amazon during a lemming stampede.
I gave up a promising acting career for you, Gloria.
- I became a faithful house-husband.
- It's not true! He was a lousy cook and he couldn't do windows to save his life.
I could have been a great actor.
I could have been a contender.
Now I'm going to get top billing! (rumbling) Whoa! Well, Tuskerninni, I guess your last act will be set in the St.
Canard Prison for the criminally untalented.
(whines) But my masterpiece, my classic, it remains unfinished! With all this oil, I can make the picture any way I want.
You mean any way I want.
I'll help finish your movie, Mr.
Ferret.
Big, giant, creepin' zombies with chain saws everywhere! No, no, no! It ends with a glorious closeup of me! I like an ending with one of those circles.
You know, getting smaller and smaller until it's all black.
- Zombies all over the place! - Freeze frame of my face! I know if I was directing this thing, I'd just cut! The end.
# Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck!
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # But bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - Darkwing Duck - Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck! (Darkwing) The crime-fighter moved through the dark streets.
His every sense alert to any insidious injustice, malicious misdeed or unspeakable crime.
He knew the night held new challenges to test his skills and he was ready! But first I have to pick up the kids from the movies.
Uh-oh, the kids will have to wait.
Looks like Earth is being invaded by aliens.
(screaming) (screaming continues) (thump) Attaboy, Launchpad, keep the kids at a safe distance.
- This is a job for - (all) Darkwing Duck?! Precisely.
And now for a lesson in manners, you Martian miscreants.
Take a hike, bub.
I'm the hero in this precinct.
No room for interstellar hooligans around here.
Please, no need for thanks.
- Cut! - Cut? Oh, movie.
Heh-heh.
That cursed duck is not in my script! Oh, nice, Dad.
You've just saved the world from a movie! Yeah, DW, this isn't real.
It's Space Duck.
: Attack of the Teenage Mutant Martian Mallards.
Part 12.
You could have shared that information earlier, you know.
This picture's putting me back on top where I belong.
You cause trouble, and I'll bash every bone in your beak, buster! - Who's Miss Congeniality? - Boy, DW, you gotta get out more.
That's Gloria Swansong, star of stage, screen and countless deodorant commercials.
Sorry, maestro, but I thought this was the end of civilization as we know it.
No hard feelings, eh? Hey, you look familiar.
Don't you know me from someplace? Never been there.
Of course, you're my archrival, the villainous Tuskerninni! Say, shouldn't you be behind bars? I have abandoned my life of crime.
I live now for the cinema.
I'm A.
F.
Erret.
Head of A.
F.
Erret studios.
And you just ruined an expensive scene in an A.
F.
Erret production! He must be a, uh, ferret.
Come on, kids, let's get outta here! But, Dad, if we don't stay, I'll grow up thinking these big, gruesome, drooly monsters are real.
Why, the emotional scars could last a lifetime! We're going and we're going now.
Throw knives at me, drop nuclear warheads on me - that, I can deal with.
But she gives me that little pouty beak and I'm mush.
(screaming) Unhand that maiden! Oh, pa-lease! - These aren't the Middle Ages, you know.
- Cut! I'm not trying to tell you your job, Ingmar, but no self-respecting hero would be caught dead with one of these.
(clanking) Take two! I give you one last chance, in the name of intergalactic peace, to disavow this evil scheme and Cut! What is this? Now you're negotiating with space monsters? - Who writes this stuff anyway? - I do! No offense intended, Hitch, but you want realism don't you? - You want accuracy? - I want quiet! Action! - The alien raises his X-37 death inducer - Whoa! Is this exciting or what? Huh.
It's nothing more than cheap special effects, Launchpad.
Mere movie trickery.
The hero leaps for cover.
And now, the alien fires.
Oh, goodness gracious, this ray gun was loaded.
"Leading man injured in mysterious accident, as so-called crime-fighter Darkwing Duck twiddles thumbs.
" Who are they calling so-called? You oughta sue for definition of character.
I'll do more than that, I'll go to the studio and solve the crime.
Keen gear! We're gonna go see them make Space Duck.
: Attack of the Teenage Mutant Martian Mallards.
- Part 12.
- I'll go pack! You are not going anywhere.
Come on, Launchpad.
Let's give that land of fantasy a taste of real-life heroics.
- Come on, Honker, we gotta help.
- But, Gosalyn, your dad said I know what he said, but what he meant was: "Gosalyn, I can't possibly do it without you.
" When dealing with adults you have to read between the lines.
Here we are, A.
Ferret Studios.
I've faced some of the most ruthless, brutal, cold-blooded thugs of the century - I hope it's prepared me for movie people.
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the hair in the lens of your projector.
I am DW, why couldn't we go through the gate like everybody else? Because I am not like everybody else! I am Darkwing Duck! Perhaps you'd like to show me your gate pass, hm? Uh, ha-ha.
I left it in my other cape? For your information, sir, I happen to be Darkwing Duck.
Yes, the Darkwing Duck.
Here to solve a crime, thank you.
What we have here, is a failure to communicate.
It's OK, I know the score.
You're underpaid, underappreciated.
You work long hours.
Your children don't respect you.
Life has no meaning anymore.
You don't know where to turn.
But I'm here for you, pal.
I'm here, don't keep it bottled up inside.
You're right! (sobbing) There's no structure to my universe.
Psychology.
Hey! I don't have any children.
(film projector whirring) The whole scene, ruined by that idiot! I'll go bankrupt! I'll lose the studio! Nix the negativity, my friend! For I, Darkwing Duck, am about to write the final scene in this mystery.
Not you again! Every time you're around it costs me money.
The villain made one major bungle, mainly, that the crime itself was captured forever on film.
Boy, if there's one thing I like more than a movie, it's a free movie.
I will now show you that piece of celluloid, Mr.
Ferret, and expose the criminal's identity.
Launchpad, the projector.
It's not Ferret, it's Erret.
Erret! Direct your attention, Mr.
Erret Erret, to the rubbish pile here.
A seemingly innocent bystander, easily overlooked.
A fly! A fly on the projector! Oh yes! Yes, so it is.
Then if the fly's innocent, that can only mean the perpetrator is someone else! Guard! Guard! Well, uh, no more questions for now, Mr.
Ferret, Erret, whatever.
But don't leave town! (woman) The top half of the sound stage to your left was built in 1925 at a cost of $5,000.
The bottom half was completed in 1929 Look, Honker, Space Duck is my all-time favorite, and I'm gonna make sure Part 12 gets made.
But what if your dad finds us? We'll just have to be careful he doesn't find us.
Besides, do you have any idea what they pay for scripts in this town? I am about to experience a very emotional moment.
It should, I believe, be captured for posterity.
That idiot, A.
F.
Erret, still won't sell his studio, and now Darkwing Duck complicates my scenario.
This studio sits atop more wealth than even I can imagine.
See how the oil flows.
Oh, my plan was flawless.
A multi-million dollar failure, to drive the studio into bankruptcy, so I could buy the land for peanuts.
A closeup.
My script now requires a small revision.
(chuckles) The inclusion of one more tragic accident.
Iris-Out.
There's something fishy going on around here, LP.
Any picture with Tuskerninni in it has to be rated "D" for devious, dangerous and rotten.
What about demented? Dishonest? Dreadful? Desist! We must remain on our guard? - John.
- Marsha.
- John! - Oh, Marsha! I learned from the janitor, former vice president of production John! Marsha! that the studio is in serious financial trouble.
In fact, someone's trying to buy the place.
What do you know about this Gloria Swansong? Well, I know she's been - en garde - married 27 times and I think all her husbands are dead.
And there's a rumor about - touché! - a phantom.
They say it's the ghost of her first ex-husband! Good going, LP! I'm quite impressed with your skills of detection.
Actually, I read it in supermarket tabloid.
In this scene, the count and countess learn of the revolution by the peasants.
- Oh, I really don't know if I want to do this.
- Keep your culottes on, pal.
Darkwing Duck is on the job.
And no one is gonna sabotage this production while I'm here.
OK, Akira, roll 'em.
Hey, what happened to the space aliens? (Tuskerninni) Action! Yes, the actor was safe.
For not the slightest detail would escape the duck's eagle eye.
It's it's the phantom.
Spring forward! Fall back.
(gasps) Oh, my goodness gracious! "Darkwing Dope, incompetent crime-fighter, stands idly by as another actor is nearly killed.
" Hey, come on, don't take it too hard, DW.
Nobody reads that rag anyway.
And to your left, Darkwing Dope - incompetent crime-fighter.
That does it! I'm getting to the bottom of this.
Now comes the classic movie moment, in which the phantom is unmasked.
Uh, couldn't we just wait till it comes out on video? You check that way, I'll check this way and Go ahead, impose on my good nature.
No! I will not sell the studio for $ 20,000.
42.
(screaming) $ 20,000.
50? Yes, I'm listening.
- Hello? - (dial tone) Hello? Sell the studio? That's bogus.
No way, Mr.
Ferret.
Gosalyn, that's Mr.
Erret.
The A.
F.
Erret.
Whatever.
Baby, sweetcakes, break out the contracts.
'Cause when you hear the ideas I have Picture this: Humongous fish vampires, these big tremendous fangs dripping gooey-ooey blood.
They fly out of their aquariums and start ripping people's necks open.
- So, we got a sale here? - Guard! Guard! No hurry.
Sleep on it and we'll do lunch! Gosalyn, I thought we came here to help your dad? Oh, yeah, sure.
That, too.
How can I solve this baffling mystery if I'm thrown over walls every five minutes? Phew! He almost saw us that time, Gosalyn.
Westerns, weddings, wolf man Phantoms, perfect! Now if Dad sees us, he won't see us.
All right, Orson, this has gone on long enough.
I'm growing just the least bit tired of getting heaved over walls.
Hold it! Oh, yes, yes! The fire in those eyes! Another angry young man.
- Well, I admit I'm annoyed, but - Camera! Why didn't I see it before? That classic profile.
Oh, like it, do you? That beak! Ho-ho! So Romanesque.
R-r-r-uns in the family! You were born to play the hero.
You really think so? Well, I suppose I could.
Not that I have the least interest in fame, you understand.
But it would let me work from the inside.
Act as bait for the villain.
Uh, here, Mr.
Phantom.
Here, boy! Haven't seen any phantoms around, have you? - (moans) - (yells) (screams) Playacting in a movie, hah! Boy, the things I do to solve crimes.
My own dressing room! With my own star! Citizen Duck.
starring Darkwing Duck! (women scream) Why, I might get my own TV series! Easy, Darkwing, you're a hero, not a movie star.
Of course there's no law saying I can't be both.
In this scene, our hero will be played by Mr.
Darkwing Duck.
Him? I'm not playing opposite that big ham of a duck! Please, my dear, after the accidents, no actor in town will take the part.
Yes, so the hero returns to find Lulubelle's saloon aflame.
Saloon? Maestro, what ever happened to the space aliens? (stammers) That is the theme of my film, you see? We have all become aliens in our own society.
Lights, camera and action! Have no fear, my love.
Leap, and I shall save you! Have no fear, my love.
Leap, and I Oh, my.
Are you all right? Pfah! I feel like a million ducks - uh, bucks.
It must have been that phantom! Phantom shmantom.
A star is about to be born.
Let's try it again.
Take two! Have no fear, my Take three.
Hav Ha! - Ready when you are, CB.
- This is not how my script is written.
You see, page 33, Darkwing Duck dies and the brilliant director takes over the studio.
In this scene the hero heroically parachutes to save the heroine.
Uh, are you sure this is safe? Maybe I ought to have a stunt doub (screams) OK, Darkwing, keep your cool.
You've been in worse scrapes than this.
Like the time when you Hm, come to think of it, this is about as bad as it gets! (screams) You see! There is a phantom! You and your dead husbands! This is all your fault! Another expensive take! Ooh! - Are you all right? - So much for the lambada lessons.
Why the phantom must have sabotaged the parachute! That settles it.
I'm putting an end to this phantom business once and for all.
Otherwise, I'll never get to my closeup.
I oughta be memorizing lines, not hunting down phantoms.
I gotta get an agent.
(moaning) So, we meet at last Mr Phantom? Aha! Now you're mine? (door closes) Whoa, no! Unusual weather we've been having.
Aha! The phantom! (screaming) Oh, there you are.
Quickly, quickly.
The time has come to film your final scene.
Here, the hero is trapped in the circus wagon.
Which the villain has ringed with tons of explosives.
And now, Darkwing Duck, let us proceed with what shall truly be the final scene for you and your friends.
Launchpad, Swansong, Mr.
Ferret! What are you doing here? This is my big scene! And indeed it will be your death scene.
(laughs) - It's the phantom! - Is that you, Thaddeus? Bud? Oliver? Lou? Stan? Anatole? Vladimir? Josef? Rick? Wait a minute! Let me rewind this thing in my mind and run through it from the top.
First, the leading man was injured on location.
Then, his replacement is put out of commission in a palace by a phantom.
As for what happened to the space aliens? Beats me.
At which point, it was decided that I should take over the acting chores.
Brilliant decision.
Only to have someone try to kill me.
But I was saved from a grisly death by our new-found friend, the phantom.
And the aliens? I just don't know! And then, I end up trapped in a wagon with everybody and his brother, about to be blown up, without a space monster in sight.
Which leads me to conclude that the director, my archenemy Tuskerninni, is behind it all.
With the assistance of the phantom! At long last, this oil-rich land will be mine! Oh, if I could just get to my gas gun.
And now for one final time.
Lights, camera, act (alarm sounds) Oops! If there are no objections, we shall conclude this drama.
Again? What! You?! You, you're the hero! I demand you save me, it's your duty.
(Swansong gasps) It's my first husband! Um uh Newt Blemmer! I thought you died in the Amazon during a lemming stampede.
I gave up a promising acting career for you, Gloria.
- I became a faithful house-husband.
- It's not true! He was a lousy cook and he couldn't do windows to save his life.
I could have been a great actor.
I could have been a contender.
Now I'm going to get top billing! (rumbling) Whoa! Well, Tuskerninni, I guess your last act will be set in the St.
Canard Prison for the criminally untalented.
(whines) But my masterpiece, my classic, it remains unfinished! With all this oil, I can make the picture any way I want.
You mean any way I want.
I'll help finish your movie, Mr.
Ferret.
Big, giant, creepin' zombies with chain saws everywhere! No, no, no! It ends with a glorious closeup of me! I like an ending with one of those circles.
You know, getting smaller and smaller until it's all black.
- Zombies all over the place! - Freeze frame of my face! I know if I was directing this thing, I'd just cut! The end.
# Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck!