Empty Nest (1988) s01e15 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on don't touch the phone.
I am waiting for a guy to call.
Oh, is this a real guy, or are we still hoping for that miracle wrong number? Just don't touch the phone.
I have an important phone call to make.
No, you have been on the phone all day.
Fine.
You want the phone, Carol? You can have it.
I'm home.
My dreyfuss, my pal.
Give me the paw, yeah.
- Daddy, can I talk to you? - I need to talk to him first.
Is this something I should scold dreyfuss for? No.
Barbara did it.
Carol started it.
Oh, well, in that case, bad daughters.
Good dog.
I was expecting a call.
I can use the phone too.
I live here.
Girls, please, I had a rough day here.
It's been hospital committee meetings.
It's the flu season, and Mrs.
lundquist won't leave me alone about hiring a new public relations director.
I thought the hospital had a p.
R.
Director.
Mr.
Hopkins left.
He had a falling out with urology.
It's a long story.
Anyway, it's been two weeks since the hospital board stuck me with the job of replacing him, and I still haven't found anybody yet.
It's taking up all my time.
Daddy, what about me? The company I work for does some p.
R.
I thought your company made stain removers.
Well, you've got to promote that stuff.
I was there when they came up with "rose wine away.
" I helped with the press releases.
I even wrote some of the radio spots.
Remember Elaine, the talking stain? That was mine.
Oh, well, we really don't find much call for that kind of stuff at the hospital.
With this hospital job, I could start building a career for myself.
Oh, honey, I don't know about this.
I mean, I wish you had a little more experience, and I feel funny about recommending my own daughter.
Daddy, I appreciate what you're doing here, because I think I can see what it is.
You're trying to make me a stronger person by never helping me out.
Oh, come on.
I don't do All right, no.
You're right.
No, let's go for it.
I mean, after 20 years of Hopkins, the hospital could use somebody with a fresh approach.
I'm going to call Mrs.
lundquist and talk to her about it right now.
Daddy? Of course I may have to climb a pole.
My ship is in.
It's an ancient tradition that when a sailor comes home from the sea, two lovely ladies lick the salt off.
So now in addition to all your other faults, you're high in sodium.
Okay, forget that.
I got bigger fish to fry.
I got a problem.
Can you save it, Charley? We are waiting for some important news.
So anyway, this new captain has taken over the cruise ship, captain Burke.
He's a strictly by-the-book guy, and he's cramping my style.
No more fraternizing with the women passengers, no more push-up life jackets, no more glass-bottomed deck chairs.
All he thinks about is steering the ship, steering the ship.
So he's looking for a new chief purser.
I'm in the running, but I need a favor.
What kind of favor? I want to show captain Burke that I'm a conservative family man.
I need a lady to pretend to be my straitlaced fiancee.
So which one of you wants to do it? Sorry, I can only take one of you.
Carol would be best.
She's conservative, more matronly, none of that threatening sexuality.
So what do you say? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't hear you.
I was having a lynching fantasy.
Barbara.
Charley, I don't know about this.
Did I mention there's a free cruise to Aruba in it for you? I've never been on a cruise.
White sands, crystal blue waters, bronze native men.
Done.
Charley, what's going on? Not much, but your daughter there is the future Mrs.
Charley dietz.
Bad daughter.
- Daddy? - Yes, dear? - Well - Well, what? Daddy.
You start tomorrow.
I got it! "And I hope that we can let bygones be bygones" "and reestablish a pleasant relationship" "between this office and urology.
" "Sincerely, Carol Weston, director of public relations.
" Does that sound professional enough? No, I shouldn't ask you that.
I should know.
Shouldn't I? No, don't tell me.
I should know that too.
Sorry.
First day jitters.
Carol Weston's office.
Oh, one moment, please.
It's the assistant to the mayor.
Ooh, that's pretty impressive.
Isn't it? Okay, the mayor's assistant.
What do I say? Hello.
Hello is a good thing to say.
Hello.
Yes.
Yes, I understand that the mayor is a busy man, but it would be helpful to the hospital and our many, many voting employees to have him attend the fundraiser next Wednesday.
Oh, so the mayor will be there.
Well, that's wonderful.
I look forward to meeting him.
Yes.
Bye.
Oh-whee! Daddy.
Whoa.
Not a bad start.
On the job only two hours, you've got the mayor coming to a hospital function.
Daddy, I am so excited about this job.
I am going to change the image of this hospital, humanize it, give it heart.
As it is now, when people think of this place, they think, "this is where I go to die.
" Yeah, well, we tried that as our motto, but it never really stuck.
Ms.
Weston, channel 8 just called to say they'll be covering poko the clown's visit today.
Channel 8 is coming? Daddy, I called them as a long shot, but they're coming.
I mean, this is such a coup.
This is wonderful, and it's for poko the clown.
Yes, we're having him dedicate the new children's wing.
Oh, my kids love poko the clown.
"Hey, I've got a raccoon in my pants.
" I beg your pardon? No, that's poko's famous line.
Then he goes into the raccoon in my pants dance.
I don't know how I could have missed that.
It must not have been in his bio.
Ms.
Weston, Mrs.
lundquist is here to see you.
Send her in, Ann, and would you pull that clown file for me again? Hi, Harry.
Carol, here's the publicity budget for the next fiscal year.
I thought maybe you should see it.
Thank you.
Oh, and, Mrs.
lundquist, channel 8 will be covering poko's visit here today.
I'm very impressed.
Carol, you're doing a terrific job.
I'll see you later.
Did you hear that, daddy? She's impressed.
Yoo! All right, let's get this baby going.
Now, isn't this just perfect? Hello, Laverne.
I've been looking all over this damn hospital for you.
I just dropped by to say hello.
We got work to do.
I checked all your usual hideouts: The candy machine, your car, the men's room.
By the way, Dr.
Ford got himself a nice new pair of shoes.
Oh.
Now let's get our stories straight about what we did last weekend.
You were making peach cobbler while I was helping some amish people raise a barn.
Charley, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this.
You can't back out now.
This is very important to me.
Barbara, a man reaches a certain age, and he naturally reevaluates his life.
The truth is, I'm not that satisfied with my career.
Seems like every time a promotion comes along, it goes to someone smarter, more qualified, more skilled.
Poor Charley.
If I'm going to get anywhere on this ship, I'm going to have to revert to the old standby: Brownnosing.
Now, remember, tonight Conservative.
No cleavage.
And could you "Patty Duke up" your hair a little? But I can feel it.
You've got to trust me on this one.
I know you swallowed a seed, but I promise you, there is no watermelon growing in your tummy.
Come, I promise.
Go on.
Don't forget.
Hey, hey, here.
Daddy, Laverne, quick, turn on the TV.
My poko story's on the news.
Oh, isn't she something? Wait till you see this.
I was nothing short of wonderful.
And who better to dedicate the new children's wing Oh, look.
There you are, next to poko.
TV kiddy show poko the clown.
It's always nice to see the little boys and girls.
Hey, everybody, what's this? Uh-oh.
I've got a raccoon in my pants.
Ha-ha.
Oh, it is so wonderful to have poko here with the kids today, because poko more than anyone understands this hospital.
Poko is family, our most generous donor, our most loyal patient.
Every time poko is here, even during his most acute depressions, he still finds time and strength to come down from psychiatric and bring joy to each child's bedside.
A cheery face, a caring heart, a troubled soul That is the magic of our poko.
The story of one hospital and one man's struggle.
The tears of a clown.
For channel 8, I'm pat maloney.
Tears of a clown.
I wrote that for him.
Oh, daddy, I am so proud of myself.
I have shown that this hospital is more than just brick and mortar.
It's people reaching out to those in need.
Well, I've got to run.
I want to see if I can get this story picked up on the wire services.
Oh.
I think she took one too many swivels in that chair.
Harry! I know.
I know.
I know.
I saw it.
Harry, I've been on the phone for the last hour trying to keep channel 8 from airing that interview.
Look, Carol was just trying to show the human side of the hospital.
Well, poko's attorney called.
They're suing for defamation of character.
Well, no, I mean, come on.
You know lawyers.
They blow everything out of proportion.
Poko's a nut! Poko's a nut! Your daughter's little p.
R.
Stunt could end up costing us as much as the new wing.
I want her out of here.
Why? Why? She made one little mistake.
She has been doing a sensational job.
And, I mean, she's only been here a few hours.
Thank god.
Think what she could do in a full day.
Oh, all right.
Well, please, do me a favor and break it to her gently.
Me? No.
You.
You hired her.
You fire her.
Good thing we didn't bother memorizing Carol's extension.
Uh, excuse me.
Hello, Mr.
poko? Yeah? My name is Dr.
Harry Weston.
I was Uh, I think you met my daughter Carol this morning at the hospital.
Well, I came by because I wanted you to know just how terrible we both feel about what happened.
Your daughter killed a 15-year career in two minutes.
I'm not really good at hiding my emotions, Dr.
Weston.
You are looking at a very hostile man.
Um, look, poko.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry, sir.
Look, I realize this is not the best time to ask you for a favor, but, I mean, I know how you must be feeling.
I doubt that.
I doubt that you know the joy of conducting an orchestra of seals or sharing a Volkswagen with 28 other men.
Poko, they fired Carol.
Actually, I have to fire her.
Do you know how hard that's going to be for me, and for her? You know, I can see just by looking at your face that you're a very sensitive, reasonable man, and, I mean, for my daughter's sake, would you please consider dropping the lawsuit? If you do, maybe I can, you know, get her job back.
What kind of fool do you take me for? Well, maybe if you understood what Carol was trying to do, poko.
She was trying so hard to humanize the hospital.
Humanize? I'll tell you something about humanity.
I was giving a performance this afternoon at the shopping mall just after news came out, and every one of those kids there had seen the interview.
I could tell.
I open with a seltzer gag, I segued into the unicycle, and then I took a pie in the face.
And you know what those children were doing? No.
They were laughing at me.
Oh, yeah, well, I mean, you know how cruel kids can be.
If kids think I'm crazy, I'm ruined.
Let me put it this way, when I put a stick of dynamite in my mouth, if they think I'm really trying to kill myself, it hurts the joke.
I know, but, poko, this will all blow over in a couple weeks, and, I mean, you'll be fine, but my daughter will still be out of a job.
I have nothing more to say to you.
I'm sorry.
Your daughter has crushed my self-esteem.
She has stripped me of my dignity.
Hey, boys and girls.
Uh-oh.
What's this? I've got a raccoon in my pants.
- Hi, baby.
- Oh, daddy, come in.
My mind is still buzzing.
It's been two hours since the interview, and I still haven't come down.
I think I can help you with that.
Carol, um You revealed things about poko that he didn't want known, and he has now slapped the hospital with a multimillion-dollar lawsuit and Mrs.
lundquist wants you out.
I'm fired? But I thought I was doing such a good job.
Well, you were, baby.
You were doing a great job.
Except for that little slip that led to this pesky multimillion-dollar lawsuit.
I can't believe this.
I just started today.
I mean, a few minutes ago, I was buzzing.
I was dictating.
I was swiveling.
I know, baby.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, you made a little mistake, a mistake of enthusiasm.
I know how hard you tried.
Thank you, daddy.
Honey, if there's anything you need Just a little time alone.
Sure.
Well, I'm real proud of you.
Ready for captain Burke? Ready for captain Burke.
Pop quiz: What do you say if he compliments your dress? Oh, this old thing? What do you say if you accidentally swear? Oops.
Pardon my French.
There he is.
Places, everybody.
Captain Burke, thanks for coming.
My pleasure, Charles.
This is my fiancee, babs.
Pleased to meet you, captain Burke.
My pleasure.
You look lovely.
Oh, this old thing.
Just a simplicity pattern.
Nice touch.
You're a lucky dog, Charles.
She's a good choice.
I'll get some refreshments; Some lemonade and apple brown Betty should hit the spot.
Oh, sweetheart? You know, I'm surprised Charles spends as much time at sea as he does, with a lovely young lady like you waiting for him.
Why, thank you, captain.
Yes.
Tell me, do you swing? Charley, could you come in here, please? What's going on here, lamb chop? Captain Burke tried to navigate his way under this old thing.
My dumpling must be joking.
- Tell him.
- Ahh! I swing! I swing! I'm sorry.
I apologize.
My behavior was inexcusable.
Hey, hey, hey.
Forget it.
Charley! Hey, compadre, let's go to my place and talk about that chief purser situation.
Good idea.
I got to level with you, sir.
I figured all you ever thought about was steering the ship.
Wrong.
All I ever think about is women.
Oh, captain, my captain.
Hi, daddy.
Yeah, hi.
What's the matter? I had to fire Carol today.
Today? She just started today.
Well, I'll fill you in later.
Suffice it to say, there is an angry clown, a lawsuit, and a homeless raccoon.
Um, hello, Dr.
Weston.
I hope you don't mind my dropping by like this.
I'm sorry.
Do I know you? Oh, poko.
Oh, please, come in.
This is my other daughter.
That's Barbara.
Nice to meet you.
I don't usually look like this.
Neither do I.
Anyway, after my behavior this afternoon, I wanted to come by personally and tell you that I'm dropping the lawsuit.
You're dropping the lawsuit.
I just can't believe how my fans rallied around me after that interview, and the station manager was so excited that he renewed my contract.
And best of all, there's talk of a book deal.
Great.
An autobiography? No, it's a comic book.
Poko man.
I'll have the power of flight, and I'll be able to lift buses and things.
So, well, you can say that Carol actually helped your career.
Don't push it.
Anyway, tell Carol that I dropped by, all right? Well, I got to run.
I finally got a date with the woman who plays the wedge of cheese on our show.
I'm going to call Mrs.
lundquist and get your sister's job back.
Hi, Barbara.
Am I seeing things, or did someone just drive away in a shoe? That was poko.
He came over to say he's dropping the lawsuit, and daddy's on the phone right now with Mrs.
lundquist, trying to get your job back.
You're kidding.
I can't believe you got fired on the first day.
So you've racked up, what, about Barbara, I am not embarrassed about what happened.
I mean, it's not like I compromised our national security.
I irritated a clown, for god's sake.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
How are you doing? Welcome home.
Daddy? Yes, dear? Well Well, what? Daddy, did Mrs.
lundquist give me back my job? No, dear, I'm sorry.
She is still very mad at you.
Oh.
Well, that's not very mature of her.
I'm glad I put that banana in her tailpipe.
So, baby, what are you going to do now? Well, tomorrow I'm going to go out and start looking for a new p.
R.
Job.
I mean, okay, maybe I screwed up on this one, but at least now I know what it is I want to do.
That was one hell of a four hours.
If you think that was fun, wait till you try working past lunch.
You're looking at the new chief purser.
The captain said the job is mine If you just sort of sleep with him on the trip to Aruba.
And I said, "no way.
" No job is worth it.
" I can't get a break.
Good daddy.