Everybody Loves Raymond s01e15 Episode Script

Thank God, you're home.
Sing the ABC.
- What? - Sing The Alphabet Song, ABC.
A- B-C-D-E-F-G - Okay, now sing Twinkle, Twinkle.
- Ray.
Will you just sing Twinkle, Twinkle? Twinkle, twinkle, little star - Oh, my God.
It's the same song.
- Thank you.
We're going nuts here.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids, the house, everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because- Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Here's another one.
This old man, he played one He played knick-knack on my thumb - Yeah, so? - Okay, now, just slow it down and think of the kids' favorite doofy dinosaur.
I knew he was a big, purple hack.
Hey, Ray.
Oh, boy.
What? Your mother and I have reached a decision.
It's the end of an era.
Well, at least it was amicable.
No.
We're selling the old car.
Yeah, it's just the car.
- Wait a minute.
You're selling the Valiant? - That's right.
We're cleaning it out.
This bathing suit was in the trunk.
It's yours.
Remember how cute you looked in that, Ray? - Remember? - Thanks.
I've been looking for this.
It's still good.
Hello, old friend.
What's that? I think I can tell you this now.
Ma, this is what's known as fake ID.
Raymond, this isn't even you.
See, Ma, all week long, I was 17-year-old Ray Barone but on Saturday nights I was 43-year-old Ahmed Abdullah Khan.
I'm very disappointed in you.
I was a holy man.
What's going on? They wanna sell the Valiant.
I love that car.
You know what I love? The $800 offer I got for it.
- Maybe we'll take it.
- Ray, come on.
- We're thinking of getting a second car.
- Yeah, a new minivan, not a '72 Valiant.
Why didn't you tell me you were interested? You can buy the car.
We couldn't ask them to pay $800, Frank.
That's right.
There's already another offer.
The bidding starts at $800.
That's nonsense.
Ray, if you want the car, you can have it.
- I'm not going to give it away.
- Dad, I'll give you something for the car.
No, wait, we don't want the car.
While we're saving up for the minivan you could have something to run your errands in.
And we won't have to deal with a salesman to get it.
- So, how much do you want for the car? - $800.
Frank, no.
Listen, you give us whatever you want.
What are you talking about? This is a fine automobile.
It's in good shape.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
You're my son.
And I like you.
Give me $750.
I guess that sounds- Incredibly overpriced.
That car's over 20 years old.
We'll give you $150 for it.
- You don't have to insult me.
- That is insulting.
- All right, $200.
- $200? Look, I'll tell you what.
We will split the difference.
Make it $700.
Come on, let's not haggle.
I want to help you kids.
Let me talk to Marie.
- So, what do you think? - $500, that's it.
- Okay, so you do want the car.
- No, I don't want the car.
But if we have to take it, I want a deal on it.
- She won't let me go any lower.
- What are you talking about? She's the one who said we could pay anything we want.
I've crunched the numbers.
We're actually losing on this deal.
- All right.
$450.
- $475.
- $460.
- I just put in washer fluid.
- $462.
25.
- Done.
You did well, sweetie.
This is great.
I'll write you a check, Dad.
- A check? - Yeah.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask for cash from you Ahmed.
Hello, I'm home.
Hello.
Nobody home? Great! Nobody home to bother daddy.
Ray, honey, can you give us a hand here? Thank God you're home.
I was worried sick here.
Thank you very much, Ray for that wonderful car.
Broke down.
- What did you do to it? - I tried to drive it, Ray.
I'm coming out of the supermarket.
It's pouring down rain.
So I run us all to the car.
I get the kids all strapped in.
And the stupid thing wouldn't start.
- You probably flooded it.
- Now it's my fault.
When you turned the key in the ignition, what did it sound like? The rustling of divorce papers.
That could've been the alternator.
You know, I had to go get us towed to the garage So the kids got to ride on a tow truck, they must have loved that.
Yes, that was magical, Ray.
Especially the part where Mommy had to pay $300 for a new fuel pump.
I'm telling you, that car's a piece of junk.
Your dad sold us a lemon.
We got a deal.
So what if we have to put a little money into it? That's easy for you to say.
Because you have to commute, you get the good car.
And because I'm just the housewife, I get to drive the bucket of bolts.
I want you to return it and get our money back.
No, I can't do that.
Look, my father sold it to us for half of what he wanted.
- That's practically a gift.
- The gift that keeps on taking.
I love that car.
I'll take a look at it.
I can fix it.
Yes, Ray.
You're very mechanical.
That's why I had to return your button-fly jeans.
You don't understand.
We can't return it.
We're going to look ungrateful.
Ray, would you rather I look like this? Anger is just misdirected passion.
So that's it, Ray? You're not going to say anything to them? I am.
The next time they try to sell us a 20-year-old car, we say: "Not so fast.
" Ready? Go.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Good.
A witness.
- A witness to what? The inevitable triumph of technology over Marie.
We're putting your money to good use.
Look what I bought.
A bread machine.
- I can still make it faster and better myself.
- We'll see.
Hey, I'm kneading already.
Look who's still mixing.
If I win, I'm getting rid of this stupid bread maker.
Same if I win.
- Frank, I need to talk to you about the car.
- I need some water.
I cannot help you.
The rules are the rules.
- The car seems to have some problems.
- The car doesn't have problems, sweetheart.
It has character.
You know, a part of its character is that it doesn't start.
- What did you do? Flood it? - No.
Look, you got to treat it right.
You have to fiddle with it.
Like the heater, you got to slide the thing all the way to cool first and then really jam it back to heat.
Trust me, I'm very good with machines.
Still punching the dough, loser? Guess who I'm thinking about? You know, Frank, it's not just the heater.
The mechanic seems to think it's going to need some major repairs.
There's your problem, right there.
You're talking to mechanics.
I think I'm baking already.
I love the smell of fresh bread in the morning.
Smells like victory.
Okay, look.
Could we, maybe, return the car and get our money back? Maybe.
I already bought the bread machine.
I thought Ray wanted the car.
Does he know you're over here? No, but that's between Ray and I.
And, in fact, I'm the one who's actually driving the car.
And when I say "driving," I'm using that term loosely.
I have to say, Debra, this doesn't sound exactly grateful.
Grateful? What do I have to be grateful for? I smell bread.
Is this about me? It's about the will, isn't it? Debra doesn't like the Valiant.
You can't blame Debra.
If I was married to someone who wanted to hold on to their old make-out mobile I'd feel the same way.
- Make-out mobile? - That's right.
He used to drive around with that girl, Lisa-somebody.
Lisa Constantine.
That's when he first started calling the car Lucky.
- I thought she was such a nice girl.
- She was very nice to Raymond.
So, Robert, you're saying that Ray wants to hang on to this car because that's where he first got "lucky"? - You didn't know? - No.
Perhaps I've said too much.
- Hey, Ray, what's up? - Just doing a little simonizing.
I've got it running great now.
Little glue.
- How are the kids? - Kids? Our children, Ray.
Oh, yeah.
No, they're in here.
Sleeping.
Look at that shine.
It's a great car, isn't it, Ray? You just got to spend some time with her.
Get to know her.
And you know her pretty well, don't you? Every inch of her.
You know, I learned how to drive in this car.
What else did you learn, Ray? I learned that you got to be patient.
You can't just jump in and expect her to turn over right away.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
And always remember to warm her up, otherwise she'll quit on you.
All right.
- You make me sick.
- What did I do? Stop.
I know all about you and your past and Lisa Constantine.
You make me sick, Ray.
Is Lisa in town? Robert told me.
Wait a minute.
I told you about Lisa Constantine years ago.
Yeah, but you didn't tell me where.
You didn't tell me she's the reason you wanted to keep this car and what's worse I'm the one who's stuck driving this piece of crap.
Lucky! I'm taking it to the junkyard.
No, wait.
You don't understand.
This car isn't just about luck.
It's a part of me.
You know how it is in my house.
This used to get me away from there.
We'd go to Shea Stadium and Jones Beach.
Sometimes we'd pile in the car and drive, just to drive.
When my father was really mad at me, he'd take the car away.
That was the worst thing that you could do to me.
This car, it wasn't just a car it was like freedom.
I guess that's why I want to keep it.
Well, all right.
I mean I guess I can live with it for a little while longer.
But just until we get the minivan, okay? Finger prints, dear.
Everybody okay back here? - Excellent song.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, give me your comb.
Don't mess around back there unless you mean business.
Just let me borrow it for a second.
I like your hair, too.
Now I need the comb.
I can't believe we're in the same Spanish class this year.
- Yeah.
Isn't it cool? - Yeah.
Isn't Senor Murphy a dork? - And you're so funny in class.
- Thanks.
Your Spanish is really good, too.
Oh, you're a little cold? Maybe I should take you home.
No way, Jose.
- Are you a little warmer now? - A little.
- I think you're getting warmer, too.
- That's a big 10-4.
All right, knock it off.
What, Mommy? Nothing, honey.
Mommy's just hallucinating.
Give me the keys to the good car.
- Come on.
- What are you doing? - I'm not driving that Valiant anymore.
- Why not? It's just a little too used.
Why don't you drive it? It's your car, your memories.
You drive it.
- I'll drive it.
Fine.
- Good.
- I don't mind driving it.
- Okay, good.
- You're sure you're okay? - I'm fine.
You go enjoy it.
All right.
This sounds a lot like a setup for one of these: Click-click.
Boom! Easy there, girl.
Excellent song.
Oh, I hate it.
It's so queer.
I know.
It's disco.
Disco sucks.
Can you turn on the heat? Well, I thought we could warm each other up 'cause I'm cold, too.
So, here we are.
What do you want to do? - Do you have any gum? - Yeah.
I meant for you.
Sorry.
I'm ready now.
- My hair.
- I'm sorry.
God, sorry.
- How was that? - Okay.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
- Could we try it again? - Okay.
Hey, Ray.
What are you doing here? I've been looking all over for you.
Mom wants you to come home.
Tell her I'll be home.
I'll be home in about ten minutes.
That's where the Whoa! Sorry.
I'm in kind of a hurry.
Hi.
Oh, boy.
I was just listening to the radio.
Don't you ever sit there and wait for the song to end? Oh, no.
Not with that look on my face, I don't.
I mean, Ray Don't you think it's a little weird that a married father of three can't give up his "lucky" car? Come on, it's like a high school yearbook.
You still have your high school yearbook.
I didn't sleep with someone on my high school yearbook.
Of course not.
It's too small.
You have to open it.
Come on.
It's just a memory.
What matters is now, right? - And sex means so much more now.
- Oh, right.
Sure, it does.
'Cause it's so rare.
No, because it's you.
You know what? I'm gonna get rid of the car.
- You are? - Yeah.
You know what else? I wish it was you back then.
- You wish it was me! - Yeah, 'cause then I could keep the car.
You really gonna get rid of that car? You're my wife.
I like you.
So, yeah.
I'm gonna get rid of the car.
Hey, you know what? Before you do why don't we make our own memory in it? What do you mean? I'll be in the car.
I need gum.
- I'll turn the heat on? - Yeah.
- How about the radio? - Yeah.
But not too loud, 'cause I want to be able to hear the kids.
Excellent song.
Okay, come here.
Do you smell something? I got gum.
Hold on.
I was walking by.
The car was on fire.
Thanks.
- We'd better hurry.
- Yeah.
- Hey, things are uneven now.
- What? You know about me and my first time.
What about you? Where were you? Honey, come on.
We talked about this.
You never wanted to hear about it.
You said it would make you uncomfortable.
Come on, where were you? I can take it.
- I just watched someone go through this.
- No, it's gonna bother you too much.
So what if it bothers me? What's the worst that could happen? Look, for one, you're never gonna wanna go into a supermarket again.