Family Matters s01e15 Episode Script

Hey, Laura, if Mom asks, tell her I'm meeting the guys to play basketball.
Tell her yourself.
I'm not your secretary.
Hi, Eddie.
Hi, Steve.
You ready to dribble the old brown ball, shoot some hoops, bang the boards? Urkel, why do you put yourself through this? Nobody ever picks you for their team.
Well, I was close last time.
I would have gotten in if Sheila Schwartz hadn't shown up.
Yeah, it was pretty amazing how well she played in those high heels.
Nice socks.
See you.
So, Laura, wanna play some one on one? No, I don't.
- And why don't you stick to chess? - Yeah, it's more your game.
No, I've been practicing.
Watch this.
Did I do that? No, it's the prize that came with the cereal.
The greatest thing happened at work today.
One of the guys in produce got fired.
Why is that great? It's not great that he got fired, but it's great there's an opening in produce.
So, what's your point? All the biggies started in produce.
Louie in Fish, Chuck in Meats, Stella in Cheese.
Go for it, Eddie.
Reach for the stars.
Yeah.
Hello? Darnell? Of course I know who you are.
Carl's told me all about you.
You're kidding? When? Carl's gonna be so excited.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to meeting you too.
Bye, Darnell.
That was one of Carl's closest friends from high school.
Was that Darnell Coleman or Darnell Watkins or Darnell Clark? - Darnell Clark.
- Uh-huh.
- Were all Dad's friends named Darnell? - Yes.
Those were very confusing times.
Carl's been telling me what a hot singing group they were.
Dad was in a singing group? Yes, he was.
They called themselves The Darnells.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Dad.
Hi, baby.
Mm.
Something smells good.
I didn't know you were in a singing group.
Well, yeah, in high school.
- Did you ever do a video? - No.
Did you ever burn your guitar on stage? Of course not.
He wasn't in a singing group.
Why are they asking me all this? Carl, Darnell Clark called from Springfield today.
You're kidding.
Why, I haven't seen him in 20 years.
What's he up to? One thing he's up to is organizing your 20th high school reunion.
- It's next month.
- Oh? Uh, heh.
I can't make it.
Carl, we're talking about your 20th reunion.
The Darnells will be there.
Ain't that exciting? If you like that sort of thing.
I'm with Dad.
Once you're out of high school, why would you wanna go back? You know, I don't get to say this much, but Eddie's right.
I don't get this.
We're talking about The Darnells.
They were your best friends.
I know, Harriette, but reunions are overrated.
I went to my 50th reunion and spent the whole night dancing with Walter Simons.
Sounds like you two hit it off.
We had to.
We were the only ones there.
Carl, don't you wanna see The Darnells? You were so close.
Harriette, things change.
People change.
But that's part of the fun, to see how they've changed.
What's that supposed to mean? It means people change.
Well, why don't you just come right out and say it, Harriette? Say what? That I'm fat.
Okay, I said it.
And I'm too fat to go to my reunion.
Oh, so that's it.
You don't wanna go because you've put on a few pounds.
But, Harriette, The Darnells were track stars.
They could eat anything they want and not gain an ounce.
We're talking metabolism here, Harriette.
They have it, I don't.
Carl, if you're that concerned about your weight why don't you diet? You have a month.
Harriette, I have tried every diet under the sun and I've never lost any weight.
I fasted for a week and went up a size.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What a workout tonight.
I feel great.
If you want something to eat, there are some leftovers.
Oh, no, thanks.
I'm too pumped to eat.
I'll just have a glass of water with a twist of lemon.
On second thought, forget the lemon.
I'm watching my weight.
Ha-ha.
What? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Not if you thinking in getting Rachel involved.
But, Carl, she can help you.
Harriette, it is just too embarrassing.
I don't want anyone to know why I'm not going.
Especially Miss Too Pumped To Eat.
So, what did you guys do tonight? We talked about how fat Carl is.
Thank you, Harriette.
Carl, I wish you'd stop acting like a baby Iose some weight and go to your class reunion.
Oh, I get it.
You've put on a few pounds and now you're embarrassed.
Who me? Embarrassed? I am not embarrassed.
I'm just not going.
Let me ask you something, Carl.
If you could lose a few pounds, would you go to your reunion? - Maybe.
- Then it's no problem.
I'll put you on my special program of diet and exercise.
I guarantee you'll lose weight.
- Really? - Yes.
As long as you're committed to it.
What do you say? Come on, Carl.
Do it.
Oh, all right.
I'll go on a diet.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Here's the butter.
- Give me the cheese.
Harriette, this diet is torture.
I'm dizzy, my vision is blurred and I'm short of breath.
Carl, grow up.
It's only been 12 hours.
Could you pass the lasagna? Do think you could sneak this past the jaws of life? Dad! Let me just breathe in the tomato sauce.
Let me get a little whiff.
Okay.
Carl, yours is almost ready.
So, Eddie, how did you do in the big vegetable interview? You know, produce is a lot harder than people think.
Flunked, huh? I didn't flunk.
I aced the written test.
But when I was spraying the lettuce, the hose kind of got away from me.
And after all that time you practiced with the garden hose.
Yeah.
I soaked two customers and knocked down Mr.
Fukamoto.
Oh, I still got a chance.
It's between me and two other guys.
They're better with the hose, but I'm the smartest.
And they find their way to work every morning? All right, Carl, here's your dinner.
Now, you thought that lasagna looked good, but feast your eyes on this.
That's it? Three stalks of asparagus and some steamed broccoli? Rachel, I've had more food than this stuck between my teeth.
What? This is unbelievable.
My own family doesn't trust me.
"Dear Carl, have a glass of water and go to bed.
" Get out of here.
My candy stash.
Yeah.
"Dear Carl, nice try.
Now, go to bed.
" Food.
I need food.
Salt, pepper, toothpicks, baby food, cooking oil cornstarch Baby food.
"Strained spaghetti and meatball.
" Yeah.
Shh! Carl, is that you? Carl, baby food? That's pathetic.
Hand it over.
This week only, two pizzas for the price of one.
Your choice of any of our del We're talking huge smorgasbord.
All you can eat.
Steak, lobster, roast beef And now stay tuned for our feature presentation: My Dinner with Andre.
- You want the rest of my cupcake? - No, three is my limit.
Looking good.
Thanks.
Gosh, I didn't mean to leave this here.
- Leave what? - I'm proud of you, Dad.
Okay, 15 minutes.
- You're finished.
- Hallelujah.
Oh, Carl, I am so proud of you.
You stuck to the Rachel method for a whole week.
And now, it's time to kick it into high gear.
- Yes.
- Drop and give me 50! Hi.
So, Eddie, what's the verdict? Did you skyrocket to produce? I'm not gonna tell you.
I'm gonna show you.
Take off the jacket.
- Oh, I'm so proud of you.
- Oh.
So how are your tomatoes? I don't know.
Why do you ask? Hey, Dad, I got the job.
Oh, I can see.
Congratulations, son.
So how are your tomatoes? Why does everybody keep asking me that? We'll explain it to you after your father's weigh in.
Come on, Carl.
Let's see how much weight you've lost.
Are you sure that works right? I can check it for you.
I know exactly how much I weigh.
They weighed me at my last physical.
- When was that? - 1947.
Yep, right on the button.
Your turn.
Oh, this is dumb.
I haven't lost any weight.
I just know it.
Oh, come on, Carl, how's this? We'll all turn our heads.
Nobody will look.
This will be your own private moment.
Oh, that sounds okay.
It worked.
I lost 11 pounds.
- Way to go, son.
- All right, Dad.
I'm proud of you.
Does this mean we can go to the reunion? You bet.
I'll call Darnell, tell him you're singing.
Singing? What are you talking about? Darnell called, all of you are gonna be singing at the reunion.
On stage? In front of everybody? What's wrong with that? Well, it was one thing when I was gonna mingle but now I'm in the spotlight.
Forget that, I'm not going to the reunion.
Oh, Dad.
You eat that and you can kiss your diet goodbye.
Goodbye.
Harriette, hand me the fudge on the stove, please.
Honey, there's just too much emphasis in our culture these days on being thin.
I mean, everywhere you look, in TV, movies, magazines all these 90-pound people walking around smiling and dancing.
Where do they get the strength? Beats me.
I've never been what you could call thin.
I mean, as a baby, I was chubby.
As a kid, I was husky.
And now, as an adult, I'm big boned.
But for as long as I can remember, I've always been happy.
Carl if you're happy then why are you worried about what people at the reunion think? Well, it's not everybody that I'm worried about.
It's just The Darnells.
Carl, The Darnells are your friends.
All they're gonna care about is who you are and how you're doing.
Not if you've picked up a few extra pounds.
You really think so? If they're your friends, I know so.
Okay, I'll pass on the sundae.
Besides, I wanna be sure I can fit into my suit for the reunion.
Good for you, Carl.
And anyway, you're the only sugar I need.
Oh.
Hi.
Wait a minute, you're Winslow.
Miss Gilbert.
You know, you never handed in that book report on Silas Marner.
Oh, uh My dog ate it.
The same old Winslow.
Thank you.
I've only been here five minutes and already I've got homework.
Carl Winslow, right? Right.
And you're? Russell.
Russell Wilcox.
- You sat behind me in homeroom.
- Right.
- How are you? - Good.
- This is my wife, Harriette.
- Hi.
Hi, how are you? And this is my little woman, remember? Don't "little woman" me, Russell.
Oh, quit blowing one note, Irene.
You're just like your mother.
Oh, yeah? Well, how's this? I want a divorce.
I'll be in the car.
Good.
I'll be at the bar! Nice seeing you again, Carl.
- Nice meeting you, Harriette.
- You too.
Who was that fun couple? Russell and Irene.
They were voted the class Romeo and Juliet.
Carl.
Ah-ha-ha! I don't believe it! Oh Gosh, it's good to see you.
Oh, and you must be Harriette.
- You are gorgeous.
- Oh, thank you.
- Now, Carl, what has it been, 20 years? - Oh-ho.
At least.
Who are you? Who am I? Doo doo wah Darnell! Harriette, it's Darnell! Man, look at you.
- Oh, Carl, you look great.
- So do you.
Oh, well, thank you, but I have put on a few pounds.
Mostly in the arms and shoulders, though.
Let me introduce you to my wife.
Janet.
Janet, I'd like you to meet Harriette and Carl Winslow.
- Oh, Carl, I have heard so much about you.
- Nice to meet you.
And I've heard so much about Darnell.
It's so nice to finally meet both of you.
You know, when Darnell heard about the reunion, he didn't wanna come.
He was embarrassed about his weight.
Janet put me on a diet.
I have lost 3 whole pounds.
Doesn't he look great? Yeah.
I didn't even recognize him.
- Carl! - Ooh.
It's Darnell and Darnell.
Go easy on them.
They've kind of let themselves go.
- Carl.
- Darnell.
Darnell.
- Darnell.
- Darnell.
Darnell! - Darnell.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- How you doing? Look at you.
- Hey.
- Darnell.
Look at you, man.
You look - Darnell.
- Yeah.
And you must be Harriette.
Well, if it's easier for you, you can call me Darnell.
Man, look at this guy.
He's practically invisible.
Hey, he's so skinny, he could be an x-ray.
Hey, brother, how you weigh yourself, on a postage scale? Didn't I tell you these guys were fun guys? Listen, guys, you think we could find an empty classroom and rehearse our song? Yeah, but listen, can we get something to eat first? Hey, you read my mind.
- I'll catch up with you.
- Okay.
Harriette, thank you.
I love you.
I love you too, Skinny.
Darnell, look Wait a minute.
You broke my heart Because I couldn't dance You didn't even want me around But, baby, Now I'm back I'm here to tell you I can really shake it down Do you love me? Do you love me? Ah, do you love? - Do you love me - Ah, do you love me Do you love me Now that I can dance Dance Ow, watch me now Hey Work, work - Oh, work it out, baby - Work, work You know I'm absolutely crazy Work, work Come on and work it With the Darnells - Work - Yeah Now I can mash potatoes - I can mash potatoes - And I can do the twist I can do the twist Now won't you tell me, baby Tell me baby Ah, do you like it like this Do you like it like this - Tell me - Tell me - Tell me - Ow! - Now do you love me? - Do you love me? Now do you love me? - Do you love me? - Ah, do you love me? Do you love me? Now that I can dance Dance, dance Now, that I can dance Yeah