Freaks and Geeks s01e15 Episode Script
Discos and Dragons
PREVIOUSLY ONFREAKS AND GEEKS DR.
SCHWEIBER? SAM SAW YOUR DAD HUGGING A LADY AT THE MALL LAST NIGHT.
Neal: THIS CLICKER ISN' FOR OUR GARAGE DOOR.
MAYBE YOUR DAD HAS A SECRET LOVE NEST.
BILL, THAT IS NOT SEXY.
YES, IT IS.
BILL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A SEIZURE.
WOMEN LOVE THIS.
THEY DON'T CARE THAT RERUN'S FA 'CAUSE HE'S GOT THE MOVES.
COME ON.
YOU GUYS GET UP HERE.
TRY IT.
SAM, COME ON, SHAKE IT.
YOU WON'T BREAK IT.
OK.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
YOU CUT ME OFF MID-FUNK.
LOOK, NEAL, YOU ALWAYS WAN TO IMPRESS THE LADIES.
TH THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.
AT'S NEVER IMPRESSED THE LADIES.
IT'S 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T DONE I IN FRONT OF THE LADIES.
LOOK, IF I HAD, I'D BE FIGHTING 'EM OFF WITH A STICK.
GUYS, LET'S GET SERIOUS.
THAT IS NOT GOING TO IMPRESS THE WOMEN.
TRUST ME.
OK, AND YOU KNOW WHAT WILL, DON'T YOU? AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.
I'VE DISCOVERED SOMETHING THAT WILL CHANGE OUR LIVES.
IT'LL BRING US POWER, RESPECT, AND MONEY, AND IT'S RIGHT HERE IN THE SUITCASE.
WHAT IS IT? YOU SURE YOU WANT TO KNOW? HA HA! YES, SO OPEN IT UP.
THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT? YEAH.
OPEN IT.
GENTLEMEN SAY HELLO TO MORTY.
HI, DUMMIES.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
L.
C.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN LIVIN' IN THE PAST, 'BOUT MY REPUTATIT'S A NEW GENERATN GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO NOT ME WHAH! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO NOT ME ME, ME, ME, ME I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION AND I D'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE AND I'M NEVER GONNA CE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION NOT ME! IS THAT, UH, IS THAT JENNA ZANK? OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
Daniel: YEAH, DIDN'T SHE DROP OUT? Nick: YEAH.
Ken: WHY WOULD YOU DROP OU AND STAY IN CHIPPEWA? THAT'S CRAZY.
SHE USED TO BE SO HOT.
YEAH.
SHE STILL IS.
YEAH, IF YOU LIKE CLOWNS.
CLOWNS.
MMM BY THE WAY, I GOT A LATE RSVP FROM JIM NAROTSKY.
HE AND LIZ ARE COMING.
Mrs.
Schweiber: ARE THERE ANY MORE? 'CAUSE YOU K EEP ADDING ON LIKE THIS, I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET MORE FOOD.
LILLIAN, WE'VE HAD THIS PARTY EVERY YEAR NOW FOR 10 YEARS, AND WE'VE NEVER RUN OUT OF FOOD, NOT EVEN COME CLOSE.
ELL YOUR DAD ABOU YOUR HISTORY TEST? WELL, THAT DOESN' SOUND GOOD.
I GOT A "D.
" "D"? WHAT, DID YOU EVEN GET YOUR NAME RIGHT AT LEAST? WHAT HAPPENED?I--I D ON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I STUDIED WRONG.
HONEY, THIS IS A FEW GRADES LIKE THIS.
DOOU THINK THAT MAYBE MORTY IS DISTRACTING YOU A LITTLE BI FROM YOUR STUDIES? ISM.
HEY, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO TALK HERE, BUDDY.
WE JUST WAN TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
I HAD A COUPLE OF BAD TESTS.
I'LL DO BETTER.
I PROMISE.
ALL WE ASK IS THA YOU TRY YOUR HARDEST.
I WILL.
MAY I BE EXCUSED? WILLIE TYLER AND LESTER ARE ON THEHOLLYWOOD SQUARES THIS WEEK.
I GOTTA WATCH.
SURE.
HAROLD, WE HAVE TO GO OR THE SCHWEIBERS WILL BE OFFENDED.
WE MISSED IT LAST YEAR.
WE DIDN' MISS ANYTHING.
IT'S THE SAME PARTY YEAR AFTER YEAR.
IT'S SMARMY.
WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR INVITES HIS PATIENTS OVER TO LISTEN TO HIS DENTAL JOKES? IT'S SICK.
HONEY, WE HAVE TO GO.
MOM, I DON' HAVE TO GO, DO I? I DON'OUT OF IT.
HE'S YOUR DENTIST, TOO.
FINE.
I'LL SWITCH DENTISTS.
SAY, THAT'S AN IDEA.
HAROLD, YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A CHILD.
NOW, WE'RE GOING.
LINDSAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.
YES.
HEY, NEAL, CAN I PUT MY HISTORY BOOK IN YOUR LOCKER UNTIL AFTER NEXT PERIOD? I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF EXTRA ROOM.
AAH! OK, NOW YOU'RE INGING THE DUMMY TO SCHOOL WITH YOU? HEY, IT'S CALLED A FIGURE, NOT A DUMMY.
A DUMMY IS SOMEONE WHO CALLS IT ONE.
OH, IS IT? NO, DON' TAKE IT OUT.
RELAX.
IT'S JUST MORTY, BILL.
YEAH, YOU GOT A PROBLEM? TELL I NOT TO TALK TO ME.
OH, BET YOU WAN A PIECE OF ME, HUH, STRETCH? SHUT UP ALREADY.
SORRY.
JUST NEED TIME TO REHEARSE.
MY BROTHER'S COMING HOME THIS WEEKEND, SO I WON' HAVE MUCH TIME THEN.
WHAT ARE YOU REHEARSING FOR? IS THERE SOME SOR OF A TALENT SHOW OR SOMETHING? FOR LIFE.
I'M TAKING CONTROL.
I KNOW I CAN'T DEPEND ON MY CRAZY PARENTS ANYMORE.
WHO KNOWS? I CAN MAKE BIG BUCKS WITH THIS.
I DOUBT IT.
I MEAN, VENTRILOQUISM ISN'T FUNNY.
PERHAPS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A LITTLE SHOW CALLEDSOAP.
I MEAN, THAT GUY'S HILARIOUS.
NOW HE'S RICH, THANKS TO VENTRILOQUISM.
WHEN BARRY COMES HOME THIS WEEKEND, I THINK I'M GONNA TELL HIM ABOUT OUR DAD.
WHAT, ABOU THAT WOMAN? MM-HMM.
YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA? WELL, I HAVE TO TELL HIM.
HE'S MY BROTHER.
Mrs.
Desario: DANIEL! DANIEL, YOU COME BACK HERE.
I NEED YOU TO RUN TO THE DRUG STORE AND PICK UP YOUR FATHER'S PRESCRIPTIONS.
I CAN'T, MA.
I GOT TO GO TO MUSIC.
YOU KNOW I CAN' LEAVE HIM ALONE.
HE MIGHT FALL.
WELL, WHY DON' YOU CALL JOEY? HE'S NOT WORKING.
OH, YEAH.
TRUST YOUR BROTHER WITH THOSE PAINKILLERS? NEVER AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL GO AFTER SCHOOL, BUT I GOTTA GO.
I CAN'T GE ANY MORE TARDIES.
IT CANNOT WAIT.
YOUR FATHER'S IN PAIN.
I NEED YOU TO DO THIS NOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL.
OH, YEAH, WHEN IT'S CONVENIEN FOR YOU, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE 18.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE OLDEST JUNIOR IN MICHIGAN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I CAN BRING US YOU WANT ME TO DROP OUT? HOME A BIG WHOPPING 2.
50 AN HOUR.
YOU KNOW I WOULDN' TURN THAT DOWN.
HEY, COME ON, DANIEL.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO INSIDE, TAKE CARE OF HIM.
I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO SCHOOL.
IT'S CALLED WEDNESDAY.
WHERE YOU GOIN'? I'M GONNA GE THE STUPID PILLS.
HEY, DESARIO! WHAT? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU THIS MORNING? YOU HAVE MY NOTES.
OH, I WAS HELD UP.
WELL, THANKS A LOT.
I FAILED A TES BECAUSE OF YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT WAS AN OPEN-NOTES TEST.
I LEFT MY BAG IN YOUR CAR LAST NIGHT.
OH, SO IT'S MY FAUL NO THAT YOU LEF YOUR BAG IN MY CAR? .
IT'S YOUR FAUL THAT YOU'RE THE MOS UNRELIABLE GUY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.
WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY RELIABLE.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A BITCH.
WHY DON' YOU KNOW WHAT, DANIEL? T YOU ENJOY SPENDING THE RES OF YOUR LIFE ALONE? UH, NEAL, I DON'T SEE YOUR REPORT HERE.
I--I DID IT.
WHERE IS IT? IN MY MIND.
[STUDENTS LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
I DIDN'T WAN TO WRITE IT DOWN BECAUSE I DIDN' WANT TO KILL A TREE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT OUR RAINFORESTS ARE DISAPPEARING? NEAL HECTOR.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
YOU JUST BOUGH YOURSELF A TICKET TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
YOU MEAN TO SEE JERRY? I LOVE THAT GUY.
HE OWES ME MONEY! Girl: PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! COME ON.
YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME! YOU'RE CRUSHING MY RIBS! PUT HER DOWN.
WHAT? WE'RE JUST HAVING SOME FUN.
NO, I'M NOT.
PUT ME DOWN.
I SAID PUT HER DOWN! OW! THAT HURT, YOU BURN-OUT.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S SUPPOSED TO HURT, YOU JERK.
HEY! MISS WEIR.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
WE DON'T HIT PEOPLE HERE AT McKINLEY.
YEAH, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? I THINK SHE'S HIGH, MAN.
SHE WENT CRAZY ON ME.
HE WOULDN' PUT HER DOWN.
WE WERE JUS MESSING AROUND.
AY! ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
THE TWO OF YOU CAN WORK IT OU THIS AFTERNOON IN DETENTION.
WHAT? BURN-OUT! MR.
BOTWINICK, I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP HER.
SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.
SORRY, FRIEND.
PICK UP A LITTLE BUG THE OTHER NIGHT.
LONG STORY.
LOOK, MR.
ROSSO, I'M REALLY SORRY I MOUTHED OFF IN CLASS.
I'LL APOLOGIZE TO MR.
LACOVARA.
I PROMISE.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
NEAL, HAVE A SEAT.
HERE'S WHAT I SEE-- A KID WHOSE GRADES HAVE TAKEN A SUDDEN TUMBLE, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, STARTING TO GET INTO TROUBLE.
NOW, IN MY BUSINESS, WE CALL THOSE WARNING SIGNS.
I'M HERE TO HELP YOU, BUT I CAN'T HELP YOU IF YOU WON'T TALK TO ME.
REALLY, MR.
ROSSO, EVERYTHING'S FINE.
NEAL, SOMETIMES WE LIKE TO SAY THAT EVERYTHING'S FINE BECAUSE, REALLY, THINGS AREN'T FINE.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
I'VE HAD KIDS LYING TO ME SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
YOU'RE NEW TO IT, AND YOU'RE NOT THAT GOOD AT IT.
COME ON.
OK.
YOU WANT ME TO TALK? YOU THINK IT'LL HELP? FINE.
MY FATHER IS A WOMANIZER.
HE'S CHEATING ON MY MOTHER, AND SHE HAS NO CLUE, AND I HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NO TO TELL HER.
Mrs.
Desario DANIEL, YOUR FATHER'S TRYING TO SLEEP.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE QUIET.
[WHISPERING.]
He's always trying to sleep.
[BLACK FLAG'S RISE ABOVEPLAYS.]
RISE ABOVEPLAYS.]
JEALOUS COWARDS TRY TO CONTROL RISE ABOVE, WE'RE GONNA RISE ABOVE THEY DISTORT WHAT WE SAY RISE ABOVE, WE'RE GONNA RISE ABOVE TRY TO STOP WHAT WE DO RISE ABOVE, WE'RE GONNA RISE ABOVE WHEN THEY CAN' DO IT THEMSELVES RISE ABOVE, WE'RE GONNA RISE ABOVE WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR ABUSE UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MISS WEIR? WHAT? I'M DOING MY HOMEWORK.
THAT'S NOT ALLOWED IN HERE.
WHAT? THIS IS DETENTION.
THPOINT IS TO THINK ABOU WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU WAN TO KEEP THESE PEOPLE FROM STUDYING? I MEAN, ISN'T THAT THE POINT? YOU CAN'T SCHOOLWORK AT SCHOOL? IT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
TEACHERS JUS QUARANTINE BAD KIDS AND MAKE THEM SIT AND STARE INTO SPACE UNTIL THEIR BRAINS GET NUMB? YOU'RE MANUFACTURING IDIOTS.
WHAT KIND OF SYSTEM IS THIS? I'M DOING MY HOMEWORK.
UH, NO, YOU'RE NOT, MISS WEIR.
PUT THE BOOKS AW, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NO DOING YOUR HOMEWORK TOMORROW AFTERNOON WHEN YOU COME IN HERE, TOO.
WHAT? THAT'S INSANE.
AND YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK FRIDAY WHEN YOU COME IN HERE.
HA! BOTWINICK'S AN IDIOT.
SEIDELMAN'S AN IDIOT.
THIS SCHOOL TURNS PEOPLE INTO IDIOTS.
IT'S THIS SCHOOL.
I HATE THIS SCHOOL.
I BROKE UP WITH DANIEL.
REALLY? YEAH.
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING, RIGHT? YEAH, I GUESS.
WELLTHEN CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
HA.
THIS FOOD IS FIT FOR A KING.
HERE, KING.
HERE, KING.
HEY, HONEY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY I DITCH THIS CHUMP AND YOU AND ME GET OUT OF HERE? SAM, DO YOU SEE ANOTHER TABLE OPEN? NEAL, PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT US.
AND NO IN A GOOD WAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT? I'M KILLING.
CAN'T YOU JUS PUT THAT THING IN YOUR LOCKER? HEY, WHO ARE YOU CALLING A THING? HEY, SCHWEIBER, NICE DOLL.
DID IT COME WITH A DRESS? HEY, SEIDELMAN, NICE HEAD.
DID IT COME WITH A NECK? HEY, MORTY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
I CAN'T CONTROL HIM SOMETIMES.
HEY, SCHWEIBER, HOW ABOUT I KICK YOUR BUTT? IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HIM.
OH, OK, RIGHT.
GOTCHA.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOU I KICK YOUR BUTT AND HE CAN TALK ABOUT IT? DOES THA SOUND GOOD TO YOU? HEY, SEIDELMAN, KNOCK IT OFF.
WHY DON'T YOU GO PK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE? THERE'S A BUS IN THE PARKING LOT.
HA HA HA.
THANKS A LOT, MR.
KOWCHEVSKI.
SOME PEOPLE JUS DON'T APPRECIATE ART.
YEAH, YOU'RE A HERO.
WHAT ARE YOU, A GL TON FOR PUNISHMENT, SCHWIBBER? IT'SSCHWEIBER.
YOU TELL 'EM, MORTY.
THAT STUPID DUMMY ALMOST GOT US KILLED.
"IT'S NOT A DUMMY, IT'S A FIGURE.
" HE SHOULDN' EVEN BE MESSING WITH THAT STUFF, YOU KNOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIEMAGIC? YEAH.
REMEMBER WE SAW IT INSTEAD OF SEEINGGREASE? YEAH.
WHAT IF NEAL HAS THE KIND OF DUMMY YOU THAT'S INMAGIC? KNOW, ONE MINUTE IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES, EVERYBODY'S HAPPY, AND THEN, "HEY, SCHMUCKO, WHY DON'T YOU GO KILL BILL?" I KNOW HE'S GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME AND ALL, BUT YOU GET TO BE A JERK JUST BECAUSE YOUR DAD'S HAVING AN AFFAIR? HEY.
HOW'S IT GOIN'? REMEMBER ME? FROM McKINLEY? DANIEL.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
SO, UH, HOW'S THE DROPPING OUT GOING? A LOT BETTER THAN THE STAYIN' IN WAS.
A LOT FEWER IDIOTS HASSLING ME ALL THE TIME.
YEAH.
THAT'S COOL.
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING? AREN'T YOU THE GUY THAT HAD THAT PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND? YEAH, BUT, UH WE DON'T REALLY SHARE THE SAME INTERESTS ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT INTO CURRENT AFFAIRS, I AM.
SHE'S NOT A PUNKER, I AM.
REALLY? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT PUNKERS DON'T DO? CALL THEMSELVES PUNKERS.
UH-HUH.
WHO DO YOU LISTEN TO? CLASH, IGGY, THE RAMONES, SEX PISTOLS ALL THE OBVIOUS GUYS.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW I LISTEN TO MORE OBSCURE STUFF, TOO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? THIS IS WHERE I'LL BE SATURDAY NIGHT.
IT'S CALLED THE ARMPIT.
IT'S DOWNTOWN.
SO MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
YEAH, DEFINITELY.
YEAH, BUT IF I DID PULL THE FIRALARM, WOULD ALL THE GIRLS GET DRESSED BEFORE THEY RAN OU OF THE LOCKER ROOM? OR WOULD THEY JUST RUN OUT NAKED? I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, WHERE WERE YOU GUYS DURING LUNCH? MORTY AND I HAD THE LUNCH LADIES CRACKING UP.
I PRETENDED THERE WAS SOME GUY DROWNING IN THE BEANS.
HELP ME! [GURGLES.]
OH.
SORRY I MISSED IT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MR.
FORRESTER.
BARRY! HEY, GROUCHO.
WHAT'S UP, BUDDY? HOW'S IT GOIN', MAN? GREAT.
WHA ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? I MADE GOOD TIME DRIVING IN.
I FIGURED I'D STOP BY, SEE THE OLD PRISON.
WHAT IS THIS THING? WHAT, ARE YOU STUDYING CPR OR SOMETHING? HEY, BARRY.
HEY, SAM.
YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN.
REALLY? YE, YOU LOOK LIKE A STUD.
BILL, YOU'RE GETTING HUGE.
THANKS.
HEY, SAM.
I HAVE DETENTION, SO IF MOM ASKS, DON'T TELL HER WHERE I AM.
DETENTION? NOT MY LINDSAY.
NEAL, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT? HEY, BARRY.
LINDSAY.
DAMN.
WHAT? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE WEIRS LATELY? YOU ALL LOOK SO HOT.
NEAL, YOU GOTTA SPEND SOME MORE TIME OVER THERE.
BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN TRYING.
SO, HEY, HOW'S COLLEGE? OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU.
IT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.
REALLY? IT'S TREMENDOUS.
THERE'S NO DETENTION, THERE'S NO-- Mr.
Kowchevski: OK, STRAGGLERS.
COME ON, WHY D'T YOU GET TO CLASS? HEY, FAT ASS, WHY DON'T YOU SHOVE IT? [LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
LET'S GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
I'M NOT, UH, I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I'M NOT--I'M--I'M-- I GRADUATED 2 YEARS AGO.
THEN GET GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! OK.
CALM DOWN.
LINDSAY, YOU'RE GONNA COME TO THAT PARTY TOMORROW, RIGHT? YEAH.
OK.
OK.
NEAL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE, BARRY.
GOD, I HATE I WHEN THEY COME BACK! COME ON, LET'S GO.
GET TO CLASS, COME ON! NO.
FRATERNITIES-- FRATERNITIES ARE LAME, DAD.
THEY ARE NOT! YES, THEY ARE.
THEY--YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MAKE YOU DO TO GE INTO A FRATERNITY? YOU HAVE TO, UM, PICK UP A MEATBALL AND WITH YOUR REAR END WALK IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.
AND IF YOU DROP I ON THE WAY, THEY MAKE YOU PICK IT UP AND EAT IT.
OH!I ME OH! AN, IS THAT-- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOU--YOU ACTUALLY WANNA PAY TO HAVME TAKE PART IN THA KIND OF ACTIVITY? NEAL, SHOWBIZ IS LOOKING BETTER AND BETTER.
SO, BARRY, AR E YOU NARROWING IN ON A MAJOR YET? WELL, I'M LEANING TOWARDS UNDECLARED.
RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, WITH A MINOR IN SITTING ON YOUR ASS.
HEY, THAT'S $1.
00, FELLA.
FOR ASS? NO, UHIT'S EITHER THAT OR, UH, OR--OR PRE-LAW.
YEAH? OOH.
NO W WE'RE TALKIN'! HUH? NOT REALLY, BUT LOOK HOW EXCITED THEY GE WHEN I SAY IT.
UNBELIEVABLE.
[LAUGHING.]
HOW ARE THE WOMEN TREATING YOU, HUH? I DO ALL RIGHT.
I'M JU I DO ALL RIGHT.
ST PLAYING THE FIELD A LITTLE BIT RIGHT NOW.
OH, THAT'S GOOD! YOU DON'T WANNA GET TIED DOWN TOO YOUNG.
BESIDES, YOU'RE A SCHWEIBER MAN! IRRESISTIBLE TO THE LADIES.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND I'MWHO GETS THE LUCKY GAL 3 SCHWEIBER MEN ALL TO MYSELF! [YOUR PHONE IS OFF THE HOOK BUT YOU'RE NOTPLAYING.]
HAAAA! WHOA! YEAH.
YEAH.
Neal: KISS FOR YOU? Neal: NO, NOT FOR ME.
Neal: CLOSE THE DOOR.
CLOSE THE DOOR.
OK? IT'S OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
KISS FOR YOU.
NO, NOT FOR ME.
OK? OK IT'S ALL RIGHT? IT'S ALL RIGHT.
KISS FOR YOU? OK, NOW YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT.
WHAT? WELL, I LIKED WHEN OR WENCES DID IT.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT-- WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH.
UM BARRY, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN, UM, MEANING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
WHAT'S THAT? IT'S ABOUT DAD.
WHAT ABOUT HIM? I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT.
YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA GET UPSET.
I'M NOT GONNA GE UPSET.
JUST SAY IT.
I THINK DAD IS CHEATING ON MOM [GROANING.]
HOW DID YOU FIND OUT? IT'S A LONG STORY, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I'M RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT? DAD CHEATS ON MOM.
I--I'VE--I KNOW.
REALLY? YEAH.
I--I SPOTTED THEM AT A--AT A MOVIE ONCE, AND HE WAS SITTING WI LIKE, A YOUNG REDHEAD.
UH, DID HE SEE YOU? I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE, UH, THAT YEAR, HE BOUGHT ME A--A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
WHA WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? WHY WOULD I TELL YOU? DID YOU TELL MOM? NO! NO.
WHY NOT? HE'S MAKING A FOOL OUT OF HER.
SO--UH, HUH.
YOU WANNA TELL HER? IS THA WHAT YOU WANNA DO? YOU WANNA TELL HER SO THEY CAN GET DIVORCED? RIGHT? SO THEY CAN SELL THE HOUSE, DAD ONIN HIS--IN HIS NEW APARTMENT.
IS THA WHAT YOU WANT? HEY, NICK.
MAYBE, UH, MAYBE YOU'LL GET LUCKY AT THE PUNK CLUB TONIGHT.
YOU THINK SO? SURE.
YOU KNOW, ALL THESE PUNK GIRLS HATE THEMSELVES.
IT'S GOT TO IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES.
THAT'S REALLY, REALLY FUNNY.
OW! [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CHORTLES.]
NO, STOP IT.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
SHUT UP! GET IN.
YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
[LAUGHING.]
CAN I USE YOU TO CLEAN OU MY EAR LATER? HEY, UH, EDGAR WINTER CALLED.
HE SAYS HE NEEDS HIS HAIR BACK FOR A GIG TONIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! WE'LL SEE WHO LOOKS STUPID WHEN WE GET THERE.
OH, HONEY, YOU TALKED TO 3 PEOPLE, AND THAT'S 2 HOURS RIGHT THERE.
OK, LINDSAY, WE'LL BE BACK EARLY! WAIT A MINUTE! OH, HERE IT COMES, "DAD, CAN I BORROW SOME MONEY?" I DECIDED TO GO WITH YOU GUYS.
WOW! YOU LOOK GREAT! WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND? WELL, UH DAD IS RIGHT.
I'M PART OF THIS FAMILY AND HE'S MY DENTIST, TOO.
I SHOULD GO.
HEAR THAT, JEAN? I WAS RIGH ABOUT SOMETHING! MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS MOMENT, HUH? HEY, HEY, PHYLLIS, HI, HOW ARE YOU? ZEV, HOW ARE THOSE PARTIALS WORKING OUT? OH, MY GOODNESS! OH, MY GOODNESS! THE WEIRS ARE HERE! SO GLAD YOU DECIDED TO COME THIS YEAR.
LOOK AT YOU, JEAN, WOW! YOU LOOK TERRIFIC! THANKS.
THANKS FOR INVITING US.
LINDSAY, HI! YOU, TOO.
AREN'T YOU A LOOKER? AND, SAM OH, THANKS.
MY, GIVE ME SOME SKIN, BABE.
OK, MAN.
UH, I THINK, UH, NEAL AND BILL HAVE GOTTA BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
YEAH.
GO FIND 'EM.
BIG HARRY, NEED A DRINK? YEAH, I DO.
YEAH.
NOBODY CALLS ME HARRY.
SHH.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GIVING YOU THESE NOW.
THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA SPEND ALL NIGH LISTENING TO THE SAME OLD DENTIST JOKES WITHOUT PLENTY OF ANESTHESIA.
OH, HONEY, GO EASY.
Barry: DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU? 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT EATING IT.
[LAUGHS.]
I DON'T WANT I TO GO TO WASTE.
HEY! AHUM CAN--WILL YOU EXCUSE ME A SECOND? [PUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
MAN, ISN'T THIS GREAT? NO ONE CARDED US.
I LIKE IT.
YEAH, MAN, NO RULES! YEAH.
DO WHAT WE WANT HERE.
WHOA, I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT IS.
I AM.
I'LL BE AT THE BAR.
YEAH! YEAH! RSONASKS ME WHAT MY MAR IS GOING TO BE, I'M GONNA SNAP.
I'M GONNA LOSE IT.
[LAUGHING.]
YOU WANT TO ASK ME THAT, DON'T YOU? NO! UH-UH.
NOT IF YOU'RE GONNA SNAP! HONESTLY, I HAVE NO IDEA.
YOU KNOW, UH, DO YOU KNOW WHA YOU'RE GONNA MAJOR IN? NO.
NOT A CLUE.
PROBABLY I'LL JUST BE GLAD I'M OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.
BARRY? HI.
HI.
MELVIN LATZ, ONE OF YOUR FATHER'S PARTNERS.
OH! HOW ARE YOU DOING? HI, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
YEAH.
HOW'S SCHOOL? OH, IT'S GREAT.
HAVE YOU CHOSEN A MAJOR YET? [PUNK MUSIC PLAYS.]
Band: HEY! HEY! WHERE ARE THE DRINKS, MAN? BARTENDER'S A BASTARD! SHE'S ON SHE KEEPS IGNORING ME.
LY SERVED PEOPLE WITH STUPID HAIRCUTS! DANIEL, YOU GO.
BITE ME, MAN.
THERE SHE IS.
SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
HEY! WHAT? WH AT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT? YOU ASKED ME TO COME HERE.
OH, IT'S YOU.
YEAH.
YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE REAL ME.
YEAH? YEAH.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Band: HEY! YEAH! HOW DO YOU LIKE THE BAND? YEAH, PUSS RULES! IT'S PUS! AND THEY'RE ON NEXT.
YEAH, I KNOW! THEY RULE! AND SO THE DENTIST SAYS--I KNOW YOU HEARD IT ALREADY-- THE DENTIST SAYS, "MAKE UP YOUR MIND, HONEY.
I GOTTA ADJUST THE CHAIR.
" HAROLD, YOU WANT ANOTHER? DON'T MIND IF I DO.
JEAN? I BETTER NOT.
I'M DRIVING.
AHH.
A DENTIST JOKE! Barry: HE'S AN-- HE'S AN ACTOR! MEANILE, BUSH IS THE FORMER HEAD OF THE C.
I.
A.
COME ON, DO YOU REALLY THINK JOHN HINCKLEY WAS WORKING FOR HIM? UH, NOT DIRECTLY, BUT YES.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WELL, AT LEAST I FIND I EASIER TO BELIEVE THAN THAT, UH, FAKAKTE JODIE FOSTER STORY.
FAKA--WHAT? OH, SORRY.
FAKAKTE.
IT'S, UH, YIDDISH FOR, LIKE, LAME.
OH, YEAH.
OK.
FAKAKTE! THAT'S VERY GOOD.
THANKS.
YOU WANNA GET OUTTA HERE? WANNA GO TAKE A WALK? YEAH.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
UGH.
UHHH.
OH.
OW.
ARE YOU OK? IS THERE A BATHROOM AROUND HERE? OVER THERE! ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[SIGHS.]
MAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MANY POSERS ARE OUT THERE? YEAH, I AIN' NO POSER, MAN, CHECK THIS OUT.
WHAT? I AIN' CALLIN' YOU A POSER, MAN.
RELAX.
I DON'T KNOW, HE WAS REALLY INTO ME, BUT HE WAS JUST STONED ALL THE TIME.
HMM.
DO YOU SMOKE? NO.
WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY? IT GETS ME PARANOID.
YEAH? ME, TOO.
YEAH, I LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM.
IT'S BAD.
[LAUGHING.]
YEAH, THAT STUFF, IT'S FAKAKTE.
[LAUGHS.]
THAT--THAT'S IT,THAT'S THOUGH, THE PERFEC USE OF THAT WORD.
THANKS.
WAIT, SO WHA WERE WE TALKING ABOUT? YOUR--YOUR FRIENDS.
OH, YEAH.
THEY'RE REALLY FUN, AND THEY'RE-- THEY'RE FUNNY.
BUT THEY'RE JUST WELL, THEY DON' INSPIRE ME OR CHALLENGE ME.
I DON'T KNOW, DOES THAT SOUND MEAN? RELAX.
YOU THINK TOO MUCH.
YEAH.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GE TO COLLEGE, IT'S FUNNY, IT'S LIKE, ALL THAT HIGH SCHOOL STUFF DISAPPEARS.
REALLY, IT'S LIKE IT'S A DO-OVER.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU GET THERE IT'S, LIKE, NO ONE KNOWS THAT YOU WERE AN ATHLETE OR THAT YOU WERE A BURN-OUT.
IT'S LIKE A FRESH START.
YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANNA BE.
LIKE, TAKE--TAKE ME FOR INSTANCE, WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I GOT--I GOT BEAT UP MORE THAN NEAL, YOU KNOW.
BUT WHEN I GO TO COLLEGE, I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T--YOU DIDN' HEAR ME SAY, "HEY, LOOK AT ME! I'M THE GUY THAT GOT BEAT UP EVERY DAY! THAT WAS ME!" NO, I SAID, "LOOK AT ME, I'M THE--THE HANDSOME, DASHING JEW.
" [LAUGHING.]
AND, HUH, PEOPLE BOUGHT IT! WHICH IS-- YEAH.
I BUY IT.
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? SO WHAT DO I WANNA BE? GIVE ME THE WEEKEND AND I'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING GOOD.
[LAUGHING.]
HEY, LOOK AT YOU.
HEY.
"OH, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, I'M SUCH A GOOD HUSBAND.
" BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
YOU KNOW, FANTASY ISLANDIS ON.
WE COULD WATCH THAT.
HEY, EVERYBODY! I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.
TO THE WOMAN WITHOUT WHOM WE'D ALL BE HUNGRY AND WITHOUT WHOM MY LIFE WOULDN' BE COMPLETE.
MMM.
[KISS.]
OH, THANK YOU.
CHEERS.
HEAR, HEAR.
THIS SUCKS.
I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
OH, NO.
Neal: UHH.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, NEAL.
DON'T--DON' LET ME INTERRUPT.
I WAS JUST OUT FOR HEY! I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' ALL OVER FOR YOU.
WHAT? WELL, I WANT YOU TO DO YOUR VENTRILOQUISM ACT.
WHAT? N-NO, NOT NOW.
WHY? WITH A FRIENDLY AUDIENCE LIKE THIS? COME ON, WHO WANTS TO SEE NEAL DO HIS VENTRILOQUISM? [LIGHT APPLAUSE.]
YEAH.
HA HA HA HA! GO ON! GO ON, GET YOUR DUMMY.
IT'S CALLED A FIGURE! OH, GOSH.
THESE ARTISTIC TYPES, VERY SENSITIVE, YOU KNOW.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
HOW'S YOUR HEAD? IT'S FINE.
YOU KNOW, JUST ANOTHER BATTLE SCAR.
JUST HOLD STILL.
ALL RIGHT.
JUST DO IT.
ALMOST DONE.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHO'S NEXT? I AM.
JUST GONNA ICE I FOR A MINUTE.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, DANIEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN', MAN? NEVER MIND.
HEY, UH, DANIEL, I DON'T THINK THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA, MAN.
FORGET IT.
READY? YEAH.
OK.
ON 3 I'M GONNA PUSH IT THROUGH.
Jenna: BILLY! ONE 2 3! WAIT! OW! OHH.
OH, JEEZ.
OH, MY GOD.
OW! YOU RUINED IT, YOU WIMP.
OH, JEEZ, MAN.
CAN WE GE OUTTA HERE? THAT'S MAKIN' ME SICK, MAN.
LET'S GET OUT.
WHERE'S KEN? THAT'S-- SHUT UP! TERRIBLE! WHERE'S KEN? WELL, LET'S CHECK THIS OUT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! UH, NEAL AND MORTY! HEY! WHOO-HOO! UH, HI, EVERYBODY! M-MORTY, SAY HELLO TO THE NICE PEOPLE.
HELLO, NICE PEOPLE.
All: HI.
HI, MORTY! SAY, HOW COME THESE PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY-LOOKING? W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THEIR TEETH! THEY'RE TERRIBLE! MORTY, I MEAN, COME ON.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
HAVEN'T THEY EVER HEARD OF A TOOTHBRUSH? MORTY! WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? LOOK AT THEM.
LOOK AT ESE PEOPLE.
LOOK AT THAT LADY OVER THERE.
HER TEETH ARE SO BAD, SHE SHOULD BE A PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY PLAYER.
[LAUGHTER.]
BOO.
ALL RIGHT, CAN WE-- CAN WE JUS GET TO THE ACT NOW, PLEASE? OH, SURE THING, SURE THING.
ALL RIGHT.
BE WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE TWEEN A PROCTOLOGIS AND A DENTIST? I--I DON'T KNOW, WHAT? HA! ONE'S A DOCTOR OF THE ASS AND THE OTHER'S AN ASS WHO'S A DOCTOR.
[LAUGHTER.]
MORTY, COME ON, BE NICE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGH ALL RIGHT.
WELL, UH, OK, HERE--HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
OK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DENTIS AND A BRAND-NEW PAIR OF LEATHER SHOES? I--I DON'T KNOW, WHAT? A BRAND-NEW PAIR OF LEATHER SHOES WILL NEVER GIVE YOU AN UNNECESSARY ROOT CANAL SO HE CAN BUILD AN ADDITION ON HIS HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER.]
OK.
HEY, MORTY, COME ON, THAT'S NOT REALLY FUNNY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
DR.
SCHWEIBER IS A WONDERFUL DENTIST.
I AIN' LETTIN' HIM TOUCH ME.
HE'S NO GONNA PUT ME UNDER.
HA, NEXT THING I KNOW I'LL WAKE UP AND MY WISDOM TEETH'LL BE GONE ALONG WITH MY VIRGINITY! OK.
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
WHY IS DR.
SCHWEIBER A DENTIST? I--I HAVE NO IDEA, WHY? BECAUSE HE'S SO STUPID HE FLUNKED OU OF MEDICAL SCHOOL! [LAUGHS.]
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH, NEAL.
THANK YOU.
OK, THAT ENOUGH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU! THERE'S MORE-- NEAL AND MORTY'S SHOW IS OVER FOLKS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU' HEY, HEY! RE OUT OF ORDER! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE DENTAL PRACTICE IS OUT OF ORDER! OK, THAT'S ENOUGH.
HE HEY, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.
NEAL, NEAL! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! LEAVE ME ALONE! [LAUGHING.]
EXCUSE ME.
SEE? TOLD YOU THAT THING WOULD TAKE HIM OVER.
HONEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANNA DO IT.
NEAL-- OH-- HE ASKED FOR A COMEDY ROUTINE, A-AND THAT'S WHAT HE GOT.
NEAL, WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING.
YOU CAN TELL ME, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO, I CAN'T TELL YOU.
WHY? BECAUSE I DON' WANNA RUIN YOUR LIFE.
DAD'S CHEATING ON YOU.
IT'S OK.
I'M SORRY, MOM.
SHH.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S OK.
WHY IS IT OK? MARRIAGE IS A VERY COMPLICATED THING.
BUT THERE IS NOTHING THAT IS MORE IMPORTAN TO ME THAN YOU AND YOUR BROTHER.
YOUR FATHER AND I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
NOW, HE AND I HAVE GO THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO WORK OU OUR MARRIAGE, BUT WE'VE ONLY GO A COUPLE MORE YEARS WITH YOU HERE.
DO YOU MEAN YOU KNOW? NEAL,WE'RE WORKING ON IT.
SHH.
BUT THAT'S BETWEEN ME AND YOUR FATHER.
NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THE FAC THAT WE LOVE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.
OK? AND YOU AND MORTY ARE VERY FUNNY.
THANKS, MOM.
HEY, WHERE'S THAT KID? HE WAS HILARIOUS.
HONEY, COME ON.
LINDSAY, SWEETIE, COME ON, WE BETTER GO.
WHERE ARE WE GOING? [LAUGHS.]
OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS ARE HAMMERED.
WE'RE YOUR PARENTS, WE'RE NOT HAMMERED.
NO, A LITTLE TIPSY, MAYBE.
WELL, YOUR FATHER, HE'S HAMMERED.
YOU'RE DRIVING, ALL RIGHT? YEAH, I'LL BE OU IN A MINUTE, OK? OH, OK.
MMM, SHH.
NO, TAKE YOUR TIME, ALL RIGHT? YEAH, I GOTTA GO.
CAN I COME, PLEASE? OH, I KNOW, I CAN'T COME.
I THINK YOU'VE GO YOUR HANDS FULL HERE.
YEAH.
WELL IT WAS GREA SEEING YOU.
WELL, THIS WAS THE BES SCHWEIBER PARTY EVER.
YEAH, I'M SURE.
WELL, UH, LISTEN, YOU'RE IN WISCONSIN, YOU'RE GONNA COME VISIT ME, RIGHT? OK, YEAH.
M--MY DORM IS RIGHT NEX TO A FIELD OF COWS.
MAKE A RIGH AT THE COW, AND THERE I'LL BE.
ALL RIGHT? GOT YOU.
RIGHT AT THE COW.
AND RIGHT.
YOU GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU.
TAKE IT EASY.
HAVE FUN AT SCHOOL.
OH, I'LL TRY.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
YOU'RE NOBODY TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU YOU'RE NOBODY TILL SOMEBODY CARES YOU MAY BE KING YOU MAY POSSESS THE WORLD AND ITS GOLD BUT GOLD WON'T BRING YOU HAPPINESS WHEN YOU'RE GROWIN' OLD THE WORLD STILL IS THE SAME YOU NEVER CHANGE I AS SURE AS THE STARS SHINE ABOVE YOU'RE NOBODY TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU SO FIND YOURSELF SOMEBODY TO LOVE CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
L.
C.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL DREAMWORKS L.
L.
C.
AND NCI THE WORLD STILL IS THE SAME YOU NEVER CHANGE I AS SURE AS THE STARS SHINE ABOVE WELL, YOU'RE NOBODY TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU SO FIND YOURSELF SOMEBODY TO LOVE
SCHWEIBER? SAM SAW YOUR DAD HUGGING A LADY AT THE MALL LAST NIGHT.
Neal: THIS CLICKER ISN' FOR OUR GARAGE DOOR.
MAYBE YOUR DAD HAS A SECRET LOVE NEST.
BILL, THAT IS NOT SEXY.
YES, IT IS.
BILL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A SEIZURE.
WOMEN LOVE THIS.
THEY DON'T CARE THAT RERUN'S FA 'CAUSE HE'S GOT THE MOVES.
COME ON.
YOU GUYS GET UP HERE.
TRY IT.
SAM, COME ON, SHAKE IT.
YOU WON'T BREAK IT.
OK.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
YOU CUT ME OFF MID-FUNK.
LOOK, NEAL, YOU ALWAYS WAN TO IMPRESS THE LADIES.
TH THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.
AT'S NEVER IMPRESSED THE LADIES.
IT'S 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T DONE I IN FRONT OF THE LADIES.
LOOK, IF I HAD, I'D BE FIGHTING 'EM OFF WITH A STICK.
GUYS, LET'S GET SERIOUS.
THAT IS NOT GOING TO IMPRESS THE WOMEN.
TRUST ME.
OK, AND YOU KNOW WHAT WILL, DON'T YOU? AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.
I'VE DISCOVERED SOMETHING THAT WILL CHANGE OUR LIVES.
IT'LL BRING US POWER, RESPECT, AND MONEY, AND IT'S RIGHT HERE IN THE SUITCASE.
WHAT IS IT? YOU SURE YOU WANT TO KNOW? HA HA! YES, SO OPEN IT UP.
THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT? YEAH.
OPEN IT.
GENTLEMEN SAY HELLO TO MORTY.
HI, DUMMIES.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
L.
C.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN LIVIN' IN THE PAST, 'BOUT MY REPUTATIT'S A NEW GENERATN GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO NOT ME WHAH! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO NOT ME ME, ME, ME, ME I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION AND I D'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE AND I'M NEVER GONNA CE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION NOT ME! IS THAT, UH, IS THAT JENNA ZANK? OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
Daniel: YEAH, DIDN'T SHE DROP OUT? Nick: YEAH.
Ken: WHY WOULD YOU DROP OU AND STAY IN CHIPPEWA? THAT'S CRAZY.
SHE USED TO BE SO HOT.
YEAH.
SHE STILL IS.
YEAH, IF YOU LIKE CLOWNS.
CLOWNS.
MMM BY THE WAY, I GOT A LATE RSVP FROM JIM NAROTSKY.
HE AND LIZ ARE COMING.
Mrs.
Schweiber: ARE THERE ANY MORE? 'CAUSE YOU K EEP ADDING ON LIKE THIS, I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET MORE FOOD.
LILLIAN, WE'VE HAD THIS PARTY EVERY YEAR NOW FOR 10 YEARS, AND WE'VE NEVER RUN OUT OF FOOD, NOT EVEN COME CLOSE.
ELL YOUR DAD ABOU YOUR HISTORY TEST? WELL, THAT DOESN' SOUND GOOD.
I GOT A "D.
" "D"? WHAT, DID YOU EVEN GET YOUR NAME RIGHT AT LEAST? WHAT HAPPENED?I--I D ON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I STUDIED WRONG.
HONEY, THIS IS A FEW GRADES LIKE THIS.
DOOU THINK THAT MAYBE MORTY IS DISTRACTING YOU A LITTLE BI FROM YOUR STUDIES? ISM.
HEY, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO TALK HERE, BUDDY.
WE JUST WAN TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
I HAD A COUPLE OF BAD TESTS.
I'LL DO BETTER.
I PROMISE.
ALL WE ASK IS THA YOU TRY YOUR HARDEST.
I WILL.
MAY I BE EXCUSED? WILLIE TYLER AND LESTER ARE ON THEHOLLYWOOD SQUARES THIS WEEK.
I GOTTA WATCH.
SURE.
HAROLD, WE HAVE TO GO OR THE SCHWEIBERS WILL BE OFFENDED.
WE MISSED IT LAST YEAR.
WE DIDN' MISS ANYTHING.
IT'S THE SAME PARTY YEAR AFTER YEAR.
IT'S SMARMY.
WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR INVITES HIS PATIENTS OVER TO LISTEN TO HIS DENTAL JOKES? IT'S SICK.
HONEY, WE HAVE TO GO.
MOM, I DON' HAVE TO GO, DO I? I DON'OUT OF IT.
HE'S YOUR DENTIST, TOO.
FINE.
I'LL SWITCH DENTISTS.
SAY, THAT'S AN IDEA.
HAROLD, YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A CHILD.
NOW, WE'RE GOING.
LINDSAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.
YES.
HEY, NEAL, CAN I PUT MY HISTORY BOOK IN YOUR LOCKER UNTIL AFTER NEXT PERIOD? I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF EXTRA ROOM.
AAH! OK, NOW YOU'RE INGING THE DUMMY TO SCHOOL WITH YOU? HEY, IT'S CALLED A FIGURE, NOT A DUMMY.
A DUMMY IS SOMEONE WHO CALLS IT ONE.
OH, IS IT? NO, DON' TAKE IT OUT.
RELAX.
IT'S JUST MORTY, BILL.
YEAH, YOU GOT A PROBLEM? TELL I NOT TO TALK TO ME.
OH, BET YOU WAN A PIECE OF ME, HUH, STRETCH? SHUT UP ALREADY.
SORRY.
JUST NEED TIME TO REHEARSE.
MY BROTHER'S COMING HOME THIS WEEKEND, SO I WON' HAVE MUCH TIME THEN.
WHAT ARE YOU REHEARSING FOR? IS THERE SOME SOR OF A TALENT SHOW OR SOMETHING? FOR LIFE.
I'M TAKING CONTROL.
I KNOW I CAN'T DEPEND ON MY CRAZY PARENTS ANYMORE.
WHO KNOWS? I CAN MAKE BIG BUCKS WITH THIS.
I DOUBT IT.
I MEAN, VENTRILOQUISM ISN'T FUNNY.
PERHAPS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A LITTLE SHOW CALLEDSOAP.
I MEAN, THAT GUY'S HILARIOUS.
NOW HE'S RICH, THANKS TO VENTRILOQUISM.
WHEN BARRY COMES HOME THIS WEEKEND, I THINK I'M GONNA TELL HIM ABOUT OUR DAD.
WHAT, ABOU THAT WOMAN? MM-HMM.
YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA? WELL, I HAVE TO TELL HIM.
HE'S MY BROTHER.
Mrs.
Desario: DANIEL! DANIEL, YOU COME BACK HERE.
I NEED YOU TO RUN TO THE DRUG STORE AND PICK UP YOUR FATHER'S PRESCRIPTIONS.
I CAN'T, MA.
I GOT TO GO TO MUSIC.
YOU KNOW I CAN' LEAVE HIM ALONE.
HE MIGHT FALL.
WELL, WHY DON' YOU CALL JOEY? HE'S NOT WORKING.
OH, YEAH.
TRUST YOUR BROTHER WITH THOSE PAINKILLERS? NEVER AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL GO AFTER SCHOOL, BUT I GOTTA GO.
I CAN'T GE ANY MORE TARDIES.
IT CANNOT WAIT.
YOUR FATHER'S IN PAIN.
I NEED YOU TO DO THIS NOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL.
OH, YEAH, WHEN IT'S CONVENIEN FOR YOU, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE 18.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE OLDEST JUNIOR IN MICHIGAN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I CAN BRING US YOU WANT ME TO DROP OUT? HOME A BIG WHOPPING 2.
50 AN HOUR.
YOU KNOW I WOULDN' TURN THAT DOWN.
HEY, COME ON, DANIEL.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO INSIDE, TAKE CARE OF HIM.
I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO SCHOOL.
IT'S CALLED WEDNESDAY.
WHERE YOU GOIN'? I'M GONNA GE THE STUPID PILLS.
HEY, DESARIO! WHAT? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU THIS MORNING? YOU HAVE MY NOTES.
OH, I WAS HELD UP.
WELL, THANKS A LOT.
I FAILED A TES BECAUSE OF YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT WAS AN OPEN-NOTES TEST.
I LEFT MY BAG IN YOUR CAR LAST NIGHT.
OH, SO IT'S MY FAUL NO THAT YOU LEF YOUR BAG IN MY CAR? .
IT'S YOUR FAUL THAT YOU'RE THE MOS UNRELIABLE GUY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.
WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY RELIABLE.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A BITCH.
WHY DON' YOU KNOW WHAT, DANIEL? T YOU ENJOY SPENDING THE RES OF YOUR LIFE ALONE? UH, NEAL, I DON'T SEE YOUR REPORT HERE.
I--I DID IT.
WHERE IS IT? IN MY MIND.
[STUDENTS LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
I DIDN'T WAN TO WRITE IT DOWN BECAUSE I DIDN' WANT TO KILL A TREE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT OUR RAINFORESTS ARE DISAPPEARING? NEAL HECTOR.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
YOU JUST BOUGH YOURSELF A TICKET TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
YOU MEAN TO SEE JERRY? I LOVE THAT GUY.
HE OWES ME MONEY! Girl: PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! COME ON.
YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME! YOU'RE CRUSHING MY RIBS! PUT HER DOWN.
WHAT? WE'RE JUST HAVING SOME FUN.
NO, I'M NOT.
PUT ME DOWN.
I SAID PUT HER DOWN! OW! THAT HURT, YOU BURN-OUT.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S SUPPOSED TO HURT, YOU JERK.
HEY! MISS WEIR.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
WE DON'T HIT PEOPLE HERE AT McKINLEY.
YEAH, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? I THINK SHE'S HIGH, MAN.
SHE WENT CRAZY ON ME.
HE WOULDN' PUT HER DOWN.
WE WERE JUS MESSING AROUND.
AY! ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
THE TWO OF YOU CAN WORK IT OU THIS AFTERNOON IN DETENTION.
WHAT? BURN-OUT! MR.
BOTWINICK, I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP HER.
SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.
SORRY, FRIEND.
PICK UP A LITTLE BUG THE OTHER NIGHT.
LONG STORY.
LOOK, MR.
ROSSO, I'M REALLY SORRY I MOUTHED OFF IN CLASS.
I'LL APOLOGIZE TO MR.
LACOVARA.
I PROMISE.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
NEAL, HAVE A SEAT.
HERE'S WHAT I SEE-- A KID WHOSE GRADES HAVE TAKEN A SUDDEN TUMBLE, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, STARTING TO GET INTO TROUBLE.
NOW, IN MY BUSINESS, WE CALL THOSE WARNING SIGNS.
I'M HERE TO HELP YOU, BUT I CAN'T HELP YOU IF YOU WON'T TALK TO ME.
REALLY, MR.
ROSSO, EVERYTHING'S FINE.
NEAL, SOMETIMES WE LIKE TO SAY THAT EVERYTHING'S FINE BECAUSE, REALLY, THINGS AREN'T FINE.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
I'VE HAD KIDS LYING TO ME SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
YOU'RE NEW TO IT, AND YOU'RE NOT THAT GOOD AT IT.
COME ON.
OK.
YOU WANT ME TO TALK? YOU THINK IT'LL HELP? FINE.
MY FATHER IS A WOMANIZER.
HE'S CHEATING ON MY MOTHER, AND SHE HAS NO CLUE, AND I HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NO TO TELL HER.
Mrs.
Desario DANIEL, YOUR FATHER'S TRYING TO SLEEP.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE QUIET.
[WHISPERING.]
He's always trying to sleep.
[BLACK FLAG'S RISE ABOVEPLAYS.]
RISE ABOVEPLAYS.]
JEALOUS COWARDS TRY TO CONTROL RISE ABOVE, WE'RE GONNA RISE ABOVE THEY DISTORT WHAT WE SAY RISE ABOVE, WE'RE GONNA RISE ABOVE TRY TO STOP WHAT WE DO RISE ABOVE, WE'RE GONNA RISE ABOVE WHEN THEY CAN' DO IT THEMSELVES RISE ABOVE, WE'RE GONNA RISE ABOVE WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR ABUSE UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MISS WEIR? WHAT? I'M DOING MY HOMEWORK.
THAT'S NOT ALLOWED IN HERE.
WHAT? THIS IS DETENTION.
THPOINT IS TO THINK ABOU WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU WAN TO KEEP THESE PEOPLE FROM STUDYING? I MEAN, ISN'T THAT THE POINT? YOU CAN'T SCHOOLWORK AT SCHOOL? IT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
TEACHERS JUS QUARANTINE BAD KIDS AND MAKE THEM SIT AND STARE INTO SPACE UNTIL THEIR BRAINS GET NUMB? YOU'RE MANUFACTURING IDIOTS.
WHAT KIND OF SYSTEM IS THIS? I'M DOING MY HOMEWORK.
UH, NO, YOU'RE NOT, MISS WEIR.
PUT THE BOOKS AW, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NO DOING YOUR HOMEWORK TOMORROW AFTERNOON WHEN YOU COME IN HERE, TOO.
WHAT? THAT'S INSANE.
AND YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK FRIDAY WHEN YOU COME IN HERE.
HA! BOTWINICK'S AN IDIOT.
SEIDELMAN'S AN IDIOT.
THIS SCHOOL TURNS PEOPLE INTO IDIOTS.
IT'S THIS SCHOOL.
I HATE THIS SCHOOL.
I BROKE UP WITH DANIEL.
REALLY? YEAH.
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING, RIGHT? YEAH, I GUESS.
WELLTHEN CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
HA.
THIS FOOD IS FIT FOR A KING.
HERE, KING.
HERE, KING.
HEY, HONEY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY I DITCH THIS CHUMP AND YOU AND ME GET OUT OF HERE? SAM, DO YOU SEE ANOTHER TABLE OPEN? NEAL, PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT US.
AND NO IN A GOOD WAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT? I'M KILLING.
CAN'T YOU JUS PUT THAT THING IN YOUR LOCKER? HEY, WHO ARE YOU CALLING A THING? HEY, SCHWEIBER, NICE DOLL.
DID IT COME WITH A DRESS? HEY, SEIDELMAN, NICE HEAD.
DID IT COME WITH A NECK? HEY, MORTY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
I CAN'T CONTROL HIM SOMETIMES.
HEY, SCHWEIBER, HOW ABOUT I KICK YOUR BUTT? IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HIM.
OH, OK, RIGHT.
GOTCHA.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOU I KICK YOUR BUTT AND HE CAN TALK ABOUT IT? DOES THA SOUND GOOD TO YOU? HEY, SEIDELMAN, KNOCK IT OFF.
WHY DON'T YOU GO PK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE? THERE'S A BUS IN THE PARKING LOT.
HA HA HA.
THANKS A LOT, MR.
KOWCHEVSKI.
SOME PEOPLE JUS DON'T APPRECIATE ART.
YEAH, YOU'RE A HERO.
WHAT ARE YOU, A GL TON FOR PUNISHMENT, SCHWIBBER? IT'SSCHWEIBER.
YOU TELL 'EM, MORTY.
THAT STUPID DUMMY ALMOST GOT US KILLED.
"IT'S NOT A DUMMY, IT'S A FIGURE.
" HE SHOULDN' EVEN BE MESSING WITH THAT STUFF, YOU KNOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIEMAGIC? YEAH.
REMEMBER WE SAW IT INSTEAD OF SEEINGGREASE? YEAH.
WHAT IF NEAL HAS THE KIND OF DUMMY YOU THAT'S INMAGIC? KNOW, ONE MINUTE IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES, EVERYBODY'S HAPPY, AND THEN, "HEY, SCHMUCKO, WHY DON'T YOU GO KILL BILL?" I KNOW HE'S GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME AND ALL, BUT YOU GET TO BE A JERK JUST BECAUSE YOUR DAD'S HAVING AN AFFAIR? HEY.
HOW'S IT GOIN'? REMEMBER ME? FROM McKINLEY? DANIEL.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
SO, UH, HOW'S THE DROPPING OUT GOING? A LOT BETTER THAN THE STAYIN' IN WAS.
A LOT FEWER IDIOTS HASSLING ME ALL THE TIME.
YEAH.
THAT'S COOL.
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING? AREN'T YOU THE GUY THAT HAD THAT PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND? YEAH, BUT, UH WE DON'T REALLY SHARE THE SAME INTERESTS ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT INTO CURRENT AFFAIRS, I AM.
SHE'S NOT A PUNKER, I AM.
REALLY? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT PUNKERS DON'T DO? CALL THEMSELVES PUNKERS.
UH-HUH.
WHO DO YOU LISTEN TO? CLASH, IGGY, THE RAMONES, SEX PISTOLS ALL THE OBVIOUS GUYS.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW I LISTEN TO MORE OBSCURE STUFF, TOO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? THIS IS WHERE I'LL BE SATURDAY NIGHT.
IT'S CALLED THE ARMPIT.
IT'S DOWNTOWN.
SO MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
YEAH, DEFINITELY.
YEAH, BUT IF I DID PULL THE FIRALARM, WOULD ALL THE GIRLS GET DRESSED BEFORE THEY RAN OU OF THE LOCKER ROOM? OR WOULD THEY JUST RUN OUT NAKED? I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, WHERE WERE YOU GUYS DURING LUNCH? MORTY AND I HAD THE LUNCH LADIES CRACKING UP.
I PRETENDED THERE WAS SOME GUY DROWNING IN THE BEANS.
HELP ME! [GURGLES.]
OH.
SORRY I MISSED IT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MR.
FORRESTER.
BARRY! HEY, GROUCHO.
WHAT'S UP, BUDDY? HOW'S IT GOIN', MAN? GREAT.
WHA ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? I MADE GOOD TIME DRIVING IN.
I FIGURED I'D STOP BY, SEE THE OLD PRISON.
WHAT IS THIS THING? WHAT, ARE YOU STUDYING CPR OR SOMETHING? HEY, BARRY.
HEY, SAM.
YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN.
REALLY? YE, YOU LOOK LIKE A STUD.
BILL, YOU'RE GETTING HUGE.
THANKS.
HEY, SAM.
I HAVE DETENTION, SO IF MOM ASKS, DON'T TELL HER WHERE I AM.
DETENTION? NOT MY LINDSAY.
NEAL, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT? HEY, BARRY.
LINDSAY.
DAMN.
WHAT? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE WEIRS LATELY? YOU ALL LOOK SO HOT.
NEAL, YOU GOTTA SPEND SOME MORE TIME OVER THERE.
BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN TRYING.
SO, HEY, HOW'S COLLEGE? OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU.
IT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.
REALLY? IT'S TREMENDOUS.
THERE'S NO DETENTION, THERE'S NO-- Mr.
Kowchevski: OK, STRAGGLERS.
COME ON, WHY D'T YOU GET TO CLASS? HEY, FAT ASS, WHY DON'T YOU SHOVE IT? [LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
LET'S GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
I'M NOT, UH, I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I'M NOT--I'M--I'M-- I GRADUATED 2 YEARS AGO.
THEN GET GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! OK.
CALM DOWN.
LINDSAY, YOU'RE GONNA COME TO THAT PARTY TOMORROW, RIGHT? YEAH.
OK.
OK.
NEAL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE, BARRY.
GOD, I HATE I WHEN THEY COME BACK! COME ON, LET'S GO.
GET TO CLASS, COME ON! NO.
FRATERNITIES-- FRATERNITIES ARE LAME, DAD.
THEY ARE NOT! YES, THEY ARE.
THEY--YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MAKE YOU DO TO GE INTO A FRATERNITY? YOU HAVE TO, UM, PICK UP A MEATBALL AND WITH YOUR REAR END WALK IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.
AND IF YOU DROP I ON THE WAY, THEY MAKE YOU PICK IT UP AND EAT IT.
OH!I ME OH! AN, IS THAT-- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOU--YOU ACTUALLY WANNA PAY TO HAVME TAKE PART IN THA KIND OF ACTIVITY? NEAL, SHOWBIZ IS LOOKING BETTER AND BETTER.
SO, BARRY, AR E YOU NARROWING IN ON A MAJOR YET? WELL, I'M LEANING TOWARDS UNDECLARED.
RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, WITH A MINOR IN SITTING ON YOUR ASS.
HEY, THAT'S $1.
00, FELLA.
FOR ASS? NO, UHIT'S EITHER THAT OR, UH, OR--OR PRE-LAW.
YEAH? OOH.
NO W WE'RE TALKIN'! HUH? NOT REALLY, BUT LOOK HOW EXCITED THEY GE WHEN I SAY IT.
UNBELIEVABLE.
[LAUGHING.]
HOW ARE THE WOMEN TREATING YOU, HUH? I DO ALL RIGHT.
I'M JU I DO ALL RIGHT.
ST PLAYING THE FIELD A LITTLE BIT RIGHT NOW.
OH, THAT'S GOOD! YOU DON'T WANNA GET TIED DOWN TOO YOUNG.
BESIDES, YOU'RE A SCHWEIBER MAN! IRRESISTIBLE TO THE LADIES.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND I'MWHO GETS THE LUCKY GAL 3 SCHWEIBER MEN ALL TO MYSELF! [YOUR PHONE IS OFF THE HOOK BUT YOU'RE NOTPLAYING.]
HAAAA! WHOA! YEAH.
YEAH.
Neal: KISS FOR YOU? Neal: NO, NOT FOR ME.
Neal: CLOSE THE DOOR.
CLOSE THE DOOR.
OK? IT'S OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
KISS FOR YOU.
NO, NOT FOR ME.
OK? OK IT'S ALL RIGHT? IT'S ALL RIGHT.
KISS FOR YOU? OK, NOW YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT.
WHAT? WELL, I LIKED WHEN OR WENCES DID IT.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT-- WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH.
UM BARRY, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN, UM, MEANING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
WHAT'S THAT? IT'S ABOUT DAD.
WHAT ABOUT HIM? I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT.
YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA GET UPSET.
I'M NOT GONNA GE UPSET.
JUST SAY IT.
I THINK DAD IS CHEATING ON MOM [GROANING.]
HOW DID YOU FIND OUT? IT'S A LONG STORY, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I'M RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT? DAD CHEATS ON MOM.
I--I'VE--I KNOW.
REALLY? YEAH.
I--I SPOTTED THEM AT A--AT A MOVIE ONCE, AND HE WAS SITTING WI LIKE, A YOUNG REDHEAD.
UH, DID HE SEE YOU? I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE, UH, THAT YEAR, HE BOUGHT ME A--A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
WHA WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? WHY WOULD I TELL YOU? DID YOU TELL MOM? NO! NO.
WHY NOT? HE'S MAKING A FOOL OUT OF HER.
SO--UH, HUH.
YOU WANNA TELL HER? IS THA WHAT YOU WANNA DO? YOU WANNA TELL HER SO THEY CAN GET DIVORCED? RIGHT? SO THEY CAN SELL THE HOUSE, DAD ONIN HIS--IN HIS NEW APARTMENT.
IS THA WHAT YOU WANT? HEY, NICK.
MAYBE, UH, MAYBE YOU'LL GET LUCKY AT THE PUNK CLUB TONIGHT.
YOU THINK SO? SURE.
YOU KNOW, ALL THESE PUNK GIRLS HATE THEMSELVES.
IT'S GOT TO IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES.
THAT'S REALLY, REALLY FUNNY.
OW! [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CHORTLES.]
NO, STOP IT.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
SHUT UP! GET IN.
YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
[LAUGHING.]
CAN I USE YOU TO CLEAN OU MY EAR LATER? HEY, UH, EDGAR WINTER CALLED.
HE SAYS HE NEEDS HIS HAIR BACK FOR A GIG TONIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! WE'LL SEE WHO LOOKS STUPID WHEN WE GET THERE.
OH, HONEY, YOU TALKED TO 3 PEOPLE, AND THAT'S 2 HOURS RIGHT THERE.
OK, LINDSAY, WE'LL BE BACK EARLY! WAIT A MINUTE! OH, HERE IT COMES, "DAD, CAN I BORROW SOME MONEY?" I DECIDED TO GO WITH YOU GUYS.
WOW! YOU LOOK GREAT! WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND? WELL, UH DAD IS RIGHT.
I'M PART OF THIS FAMILY AND HE'S MY DENTIST, TOO.
I SHOULD GO.
HEAR THAT, JEAN? I WAS RIGH ABOUT SOMETHING! MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS MOMENT, HUH? HEY, HEY, PHYLLIS, HI, HOW ARE YOU? ZEV, HOW ARE THOSE PARTIALS WORKING OUT? OH, MY GOODNESS! OH, MY GOODNESS! THE WEIRS ARE HERE! SO GLAD YOU DECIDED TO COME THIS YEAR.
LOOK AT YOU, JEAN, WOW! YOU LOOK TERRIFIC! THANKS.
THANKS FOR INVITING US.
LINDSAY, HI! YOU, TOO.
AREN'T YOU A LOOKER? AND, SAM OH, THANKS.
MY, GIVE ME SOME SKIN, BABE.
OK, MAN.
UH, I THINK, UH, NEAL AND BILL HAVE GOTTA BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
YEAH.
GO FIND 'EM.
BIG HARRY, NEED A DRINK? YEAH, I DO.
YEAH.
NOBODY CALLS ME HARRY.
SHH.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GIVING YOU THESE NOW.
THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA SPEND ALL NIGH LISTENING TO THE SAME OLD DENTIST JOKES WITHOUT PLENTY OF ANESTHESIA.
OH, HONEY, GO EASY.
Barry: DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU? 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT EATING IT.
[LAUGHS.]
I DON'T WANT I TO GO TO WASTE.
HEY! AHUM CAN--WILL YOU EXCUSE ME A SECOND? [PUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
MAN, ISN'T THIS GREAT? NO ONE CARDED US.
I LIKE IT.
YEAH, MAN, NO RULES! YEAH.
DO WHAT WE WANT HERE.
WHOA, I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT IS.
I AM.
I'LL BE AT THE BAR.
YEAH! YEAH! RSONASKS ME WHAT MY MAR IS GOING TO BE, I'M GONNA SNAP.
I'M GONNA LOSE IT.
[LAUGHING.]
YOU WANT TO ASK ME THAT, DON'T YOU? NO! UH-UH.
NOT IF YOU'RE GONNA SNAP! HONESTLY, I HAVE NO IDEA.
YOU KNOW, UH, DO YOU KNOW WHA YOU'RE GONNA MAJOR IN? NO.
NOT A CLUE.
PROBABLY I'LL JUST BE GLAD I'M OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.
BARRY? HI.
HI.
MELVIN LATZ, ONE OF YOUR FATHER'S PARTNERS.
OH! HOW ARE YOU DOING? HI, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
YEAH.
HOW'S SCHOOL? OH, IT'S GREAT.
HAVE YOU CHOSEN A MAJOR YET? [PUNK MUSIC PLAYS.]
Band: HEY! HEY! WHERE ARE THE DRINKS, MAN? BARTENDER'S A BASTARD! SHE'S ON SHE KEEPS IGNORING ME.
LY SERVED PEOPLE WITH STUPID HAIRCUTS! DANIEL, YOU GO.
BITE ME, MAN.
THERE SHE IS.
SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
HEY! WHAT? WH AT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT? YOU ASKED ME TO COME HERE.
OH, IT'S YOU.
YEAH.
YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE REAL ME.
YEAH? YEAH.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Band: HEY! YEAH! HOW DO YOU LIKE THE BAND? YEAH, PUSS RULES! IT'S PUS! AND THEY'RE ON NEXT.
YEAH, I KNOW! THEY RULE! AND SO THE DENTIST SAYS--I KNOW YOU HEARD IT ALREADY-- THE DENTIST SAYS, "MAKE UP YOUR MIND, HONEY.
I GOTTA ADJUST THE CHAIR.
" HAROLD, YOU WANT ANOTHER? DON'T MIND IF I DO.
JEAN? I BETTER NOT.
I'M DRIVING.
AHH.
A DENTIST JOKE! Barry: HE'S AN-- HE'S AN ACTOR! MEANILE, BUSH IS THE FORMER HEAD OF THE C.
I.
A.
COME ON, DO YOU REALLY THINK JOHN HINCKLEY WAS WORKING FOR HIM? UH, NOT DIRECTLY, BUT YES.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WELL, AT LEAST I FIND I EASIER TO BELIEVE THAN THAT, UH, FAKAKTE JODIE FOSTER STORY.
FAKA--WHAT? OH, SORRY.
FAKAKTE.
IT'S, UH, YIDDISH FOR, LIKE, LAME.
OH, YEAH.
OK.
FAKAKTE! THAT'S VERY GOOD.
THANKS.
YOU WANNA GET OUTTA HERE? WANNA GO TAKE A WALK? YEAH.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
UGH.
UHHH.
OH.
OW.
ARE YOU OK? IS THERE A BATHROOM AROUND HERE? OVER THERE! ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[SIGHS.]
MAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MANY POSERS ARE OUT THERE? YEAH, I AIN' NO POSER, MAN, CHECK THIS OUT.
WHAT? I AIN' CALLIN' YOU A POSER, MAN.
RELAX.
I DON'T KNOW, HE WAS REALLY INTO ME, BUT HE WAS JUST STONED ALL THE TIME.
HMM.
DO YOU SMOKE? NO.
WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY? IT GETS ME PARANOID.
YEAH? ME, TOO.
YEAH, I LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM.
IT'S BAD.
[LAUGHING.]
YEAH, THAT STUFF, IT'S FAKAKTE.
[LAUGHS.]
THAT--THAT'S IT,THAT'S THOUGH, THE PERFEC USE OF THAT WORD.
THANKS.
WAIT, SO WHA WERE WE TALKING ABOUT? YOUR--YOUR FRIENDS.
OH, YEAH.
THEY'RE REALLY FUN, AND THEY'RE-- THEY'RE FUNNY.
BUT THEY'RE JUST WELL, THEY DON' INSPIRE ME OR CHALLENGE ME.
I DON'T KNOW, DOES THAT SOUND MEAN? RELAX.
YOU THINK TOO MUCH.
YEAH.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GE TO COLLEGE, IT'S FUNNY, IT'S LIKE, ALL THAT HIGH SCHOOL STUFF DISAPPEARS.
REALLY, IT'S LIKE IT'S A DO-OVER.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU GET THERE IT'S, LIKE, NO ONE KNOWS THAT YOU WERE AN ATHLETE OR THAT YOU WERE A BURN-OUT.
IT'S LIKE A FRESH START.
YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANNA BE.
LIKE, TAKE--TAKE ME FOR INSTANCE, WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I GOT--I GOT BEAT UP MORE THAN NEAL, YOU KNOW.
BUT WHEN I GO TO COLLEGE, I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T--YOU DIDN' HEAR ME SAY, "HEY, LOOK AT ME! I'M THE GUY THAT GOT BEAT UP EVERY DAY! THAT WAS ME!" NO, I SAID, "LOOK AT ME, I'M THE--THE HANDSOME, DASHING JEW.
" [LAUGHING.]
AND, HUH, PEOPLE BOUGHT IT! WHICH IS-- YEAH.
I BUY IT.
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? SO WHAT DO I WANNA BE? GIVE ME THE WEEKEND AND I'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING GOOD.
[LAUGHING.]
HEY, LOOK AT YOU.
HEY.
"OH, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, I'M SUCH A GOOD HUSBAND.
" BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
YOU KNOW, FANTASY ISLANDIS ON.
WE COULD WATCH THAT.
HEY, EVERYBODY! I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.
TO THE WOMAN WITHOUT WHOM WE'D ALL BE HUNGRY AND WITHOUT WHOM MY LIFE WOULDN' BE COMPLETE.
MMM.
[KISS.]
OH, THANK YOU.
CHEERS.
HEAR, HEAR.
THIS SUCKS.
I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
OH, NO.
Neal: UHH.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, NEAL.
DON'T--DON' LET ME INTERRUPT.
I WAS JUST OUT FOR HEY! I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' ALL OVER FOR YOU.
WHAT? WELL, I WANT YOU TO DO YOUR VENTRILOQUISM ACT.
WHAT? N-NO, NOT NOW.
WHY? WITH A FRIENDLY AUDIENCE LIKE THIS? COME ON, WHO WANTS TO SEE NEAL DO HIS VENTRILOQUISM? [LIGHT APPLAUSE.]
YEAH.
HA HA HA HA! GO ON! GO ON, GET YOUR DUMMY.
IT'S CALLED A FIGURE! OH, GOSH.
THESE ARTISTIC TYPES, VERY SENSITIVE, YOU KNOW.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
HOW'S YOUR HEAD? IT'S FINE.
YOU KNOW, JUST ANOTHER BATTLE SCAR.
JUST HOLD STILL.
ALL RIGHT.
JUST DO IT.
ALMOST DONE.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHO'S NEXT? I AM.
JUST GONNA ICE I FOR A MINUTE.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, DANIEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN', MAN? NEVER MIND.
HEY, UH, DANIEL, I DON'T THINK THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA, MAN.
FORGET IT.
READY? YEAH.
OK.
ON 3 I'M GONNA PUSH IT THROUGH.
Jenna: BILLY! ONE 2 3! WAIT! OW! OHH.
OH, JEEZ.
OH, MY GOD.
OW! YOU RUINED IT, YOU WIMP.
OH, JEEZ, MAN.
CAN WE GE OUTTA HERE? THAT'S MAKIN' ME SICK, MAN.
LET'S GET OUT.
WHERE'S KEN? THAT'S-- SHUT UP! TERRIBLE! WHERE'S KEN? WELL, LET'S CHECK THIS OUT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! UH, NEAL AND MORTY! HEY! WHOO-HOO! UH, HI, EVERYBODY! M-MORTY, SAY HELLO TO THE NICE PEOPLE.
HELLO, NICE PEOPLE.
All: HI.
HI, MORTY! SAY, HOW COME THESE PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY-LOOKING? W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THEIR TEETH! THEY'RE TERRIBLE! MORTY, I MEAN, COME ON.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
HAVEN'T THEY EVER HEARD OF A TOOTHBRUSH? MORTY! WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? LOOK AT THEM.
LOOK AT ESE PEOPLE.
LOOK AT THAT LADY OVER THERE.
HER TEETH ARE SO BAD, SHE SHOULD BE A PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY PLAYER.
[LAUGHTER.]
BOO.
ALL RIGHT, CAN WE-- CAN WE JUS GET TO THE ACT NOW, PLEASE? OH, SURE THING, SURE THING.
ALL RIGHT.
BE WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE TWEEN A PROCTOLOGIS AND A DENTIST? I--I DON'T KNOW, WHAT? HA! ONE'S A DOCTOR OF THE ASS AND THE OTHER'S AN ASS WHO'S A DOCTOR.
[LAUGHTER.]
MORTY, COME ON, BE NICE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGH ALL RIGHT.
WELL, UH, OK, HERE--HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
OK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DENTIS AND A BRAND-NEW PAIR OF LEATHER SHOES? I--I DON'T KNOW, WHAT? A BRAND-NEW PAIR OF LEATHER SHOES WILL NEVER GIVE YOU AN UNNECESSARY ROOT CANAL SO HE CAN BUILD AN ADDITION ON HIS HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER.]
OK.
HEY, MORTY, COME ON, THAT'S NOT REALLY FUNNY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
DR.
SCHWEIBER IS A WONDERFUL DENTIST.
I AIN' LETTIN' HIM TOUCH ME.
HE'S NO GONNA PUT ME UNDER.
HA, NEXT THING I KNOW I'LL WAKE UP AND MY WISDOM TEETH'LL BE GONE ALONG WITH MY VIRGINITY! OK.
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
WHY IS DR.
SCHWEIBER A DENTIST? I--I HAVE NO IDEA, WHY? BECAUSE HE'S SO STUPID HE FLUNKED OU OF MEDICAL SCHOOL! [LAUGHS.]
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH, NEAL.
THANK YOU.
OK, THAT ENOUGH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU! THERE'S MORE-- NEAL AND MORTY'S SHOW IS OVER FOLKS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU' HEY, HEY! RE OUT OF ORDER! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE DENTAL PRACTICE IS OUT OF ORDER! OK, THAT'S ENOUGH.
HE HEY, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.
NEAL, NEAL! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! LEAVE ME ALONE! [LAUGHING.]
EXCUSE ME.
SEE? TOLD YOU THAT THING WOULD TAKE HIM OVER.
HONEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANNA DO IT.
NEAL-- OH-- HE ASKED FOR A COMEDY ROUTINE, A-AND THAT'S WHAT HE GOT.
NEAL, WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING.
YOU CAN TELL ME, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO, I CAN'T TELL YOU.
WHY? BECAUSE I DON' WANNA RUIN YOUR LIFE.
DAD'S CHEATING ON YOU.
IT'S OK.
I'M SORRY, MOM.
SHH.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S OK.
WHY IS IT OK? MARRIAGE IS A VERY COMPLICATED THING.
BUT THERE IS NOTHING THAT IS MORE IMPORTAN TO ME THAN YOU AND YOUR BROTHER.
YOUR FATHER AND I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
NOW, HE AND I HAVE GO THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO WORK OU OUR MARRIAGE, BUT WE'VE ONLY GO A COUPLE MORE YEARS WITH YOU HERE.
DO YOU MEAN YOU KNOW? NEAL,WE'RE WORKING ON IT.
SHH.
BUT THAT'S BETWEEN ME AND YOUR FATHER.
NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THE FAC THAT WE LOVE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.
OK? AND YOU AND MORTY ARE VERY FUNNY.
THANKS, MOM.
HEY, WHERE'S THAT KID? HE WAS HILARIOUS.
HONEY, COME ON.
LINDSAY, SWEETIE, COME ON, WE BETTER GO.
WHERE ARE WE GOING? [LAUGHS.]
OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS ARE HAMMERED.
WE'RE YOUR PARENTS, WE'RE NOT HAMMERED.
NO, A LITTLE TIPSY, MAYBE.
WELL, YOUR FATHER, HE'S HAMMERED.
YOU'RE DRIVING, ALL RIGHT? YEAH, I'LL BE OU IN A MINUTE, OK? OH, OK.
MMM, SHH.
NO, TAKE YOUR TIME, ALL RIGHT? YEAH, I GOTTA GO.
CAN I COME, PLEASE? OH, I KNOW, I CAN'T COME.
I THINK YOU'VE GO YOUR HANDS FULL HERE.
YEAH.
WELL IT WAS GREA SEEING YOU.
WELL, THIS WAS THE BES SCHWEIBER PARTY EVER.
YEAH, I'M SURE.
WELL, UH, LISTEN, YOU'RE IN WISCONSIN, YOU'RE GONNA COME VISIT ME, RIGHT? OK, YEAH.
M--MY DORM IS RIGHT NEX TO A FIELD OF COWS.
MAKE A RIGH AT THE COW, AND THERE I'LL BE.
ALL RIGHT? GOT YOU.
RIGHT AT THE COW.
AND RIGHT.
YOU GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU.
TAKE IT EASY.
HAVE FUN AT SCHOOL.
OH, I'LL TRY.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
YOU'RE NOBODY TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU YOU'RE NOBODY TILL SOMEBODY CARES YOU MAY BE KING YOU MAY POSSESS THE WORLD AND ITS GOLD BUT GOLD WON'T BRING YOU HAPPINESS WHEN YOU'RE GROWIN' OLD THE WORLD STILL IS THE SAME YOU NEVER CHANGE I AS SURE AS THE STARS SHINE ABOVE YOU'RE NOBODY TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU SO FIND YOURSELF SOMEBODY TO LOVE CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
L.
C.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL DREAMWORKS L.
L.
C.
AND NCI THE WORLD STILL IS THE SAME YOU NEVER CHANGE I AS SURE AS THE STARS SHINE ABOVE WELL, YOU'RE NOBODY TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU SO FIND YOURSELF SOMEBODY TO LOVE