Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e15 Episode Script

Everything's gonna be okay, right, Arturo? I mean, businesses get audited all the time, right? Arturo wants you to relax, quit looking over his shoulder and go order us some dinner.
What, do you have ESP? You got that all from a look? We're second cousins, man.
I'm telling you, Son, you gotta go down to Mexico yourself and hide out until this whole thing blows over.
Yeah, you gave me that same advice when they told me I had to repeat third grade.
Okay.
But if things don't work out and you need a new identity, I got an X-Acto knife and a laminator in my van.
Okay.
This is the only box of receipts for Gary's Painting I could find at my house.
- I hope it helps.
- No.
This doesn't help.
The audit is from '02 to '04.
These are just receipts from 1995.
Look, Gary, why don't you just call Taylor? No.
I'm not calling Taylor.
- Who's Taylor? - He's my little brother.
Yeah, he's been doing Gary's taxes for the last 10 years.
He's a financial genius.
MBA from Harvard, he was a vice-president of a Fortune 500 company at the age of 26.
Yeah, you can always read about him in the Bible.
He did the Apostles' taxes and he walked on water.
Yeah, and he also took the time, year after year, to do your company's taxes for free.
Well, yeah, apparently, Allison, you get what you pay for, because I'm being audited.
Well, thank God, Dennis, that your cousin's here.
I'll never be able to thank you, okay? When is your audit again? - It's Monday.
- Monday? Where's he going? Arturo! Gary, are you gonna stop being so stubborn and just call my brother? I'm not calling your brother.
And I'll tell you why I'm Give me the phone.
I'm not calling your brother.
He always acts like he's better than me, you know? - Well, he is.
- He's not.
He always talks down to me.
- He should.
- All right.
He always makes me feel like I'm a loser.
- Well, Gary, I mean - All right, enough now.
I can't stand the guy.
He always had some crazy nickname for me like Boysen-Gary Pie or The Garinator or Gary S.
Truman.
Hey, hey, go for Taylor.
Hi, Taylor.
It's your ex-brother-in-law, Gary.
Yo, what's up, G-Force? Hey, T-Bone.
It's your big sister.
What's up, Alley Cat? Yeah, look, G-Force here has a little bit of a tax audit problem, and he was wondering if you could do him a favor.
No worries, bub.
Been looking for a reason to get out to Cali anyways.
No, don't come to Cali.
That's fine.
I'll just mail you I'll mail you all the receipts.
It's too late.
I'm already on a plane.
T-Bone out! Well, looks like T-Bone is on his way to see G-Force and Alley Cat.
That's really great.
G-Force is gonna go blow out his B-Rains.
Mom, they have a hamburger that costs $23.
Does it come with a picture of the chef laughing at you? Elk, bison, monkfish? Is there anything on this menu I'm not trying to save? I don't know, sweetheart, but there's three things on the menu right there that you're not doing a very good job of saving.
Why do we have to meet your brother here? This is crazy.
Because this is the only place he'll go to when he's in town.
He's a New Yorker now, Gary.
There's not a lot of things he likes about LA.
That's great.
Maybe he can share some of his insight with us.
It'd be very refreshing to hear a New Yorker crap on LA for a change.
Waitress, will you please introduce me to those two engaging, hip, VIP trendsetters over there? Wait! That's my niece and my nephew! I'm with them! Come here! Come here, you little Alley Cat, look at you.
My goodness gracious.
You look like you've lost 190 pounds.
- What? - I'm talking about this guy right here.
Yeah.
Yeah, the divorce, huh? Look at you, Taylor.
You look like a million bucks.
That is because I'm sitting next to Gary.
- May I get you something from the bar? - Hi, brown eyes.
Yeah, I'd like a Macallan 25, three ice cubes, a drizzle of club soda, and if your phone number is on the napkin, just know, tomorrow, you get to choose where we're going for breakfast.
Gary, Gary, Gary.
The one year I don't do your taxes and you're in trouble with the IRS.
Actually, Taylor, I'm in trouble with the IRS from the years that you did do my taxes.
Look at this guy.
Already with the attitude.
I love it when he plays so gruff with me.
Don't worry about the IRS.
I can take care of that problem in my sleep.
The trick is you don't wanna let them smell the fear.
Speaking of smell, what are you wearing? - It's just fantastic.
- Thanks.
It's Clive Christian No.
1.
Over $2,000 a bottle.
I got it at a boutique in London.
That's amazing.
Check this out.
Ivory soap, 49 cents.
Got it at a Big Lots in Tarzana.
Please, can we not compare smells for once? Okay? Have you met anybody cool lately, Uncle T? Well, let's see.
Do you consider NFL superstar Eli Manning cool? Whoa! - Yeah.
- That's him.
- You know Eli Manning? - I work with him.
I also work with Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, that is the winner of the third season of Survivor, and Rae Dawn Chong.
Kind of peters out at the end there, doesn't it? So, Tom, when are you gonna fly out to New York and hang out with your Uncle T? - Can I, Dad? - We'll talk about it.
We can't expect your dad to make a snap decision like that.
I told him to buy Google in 1998.
How's that going for you there, Gary? - We could have been rich.
- It's true, but in Gary's defense Who's hungry? Let's order.
Oh! Hey, Taylor, you hungry? Yeah, yeah.
I'm still on New York time, so I'm kind of in the mood for sushi.
Actually let's make it sashimi.
I'm on a no-carb thing.
Edamame, miso soup, wasabi.
Okey-dokey.
Am I gonna be okay with this audit on Monday or what? I think we're gonna be all right, but can I ask you a simple business philosophy question? Do you hate making money? Yes, I hate making money.
Well, then you are doing everything right.
Why don't you use any of the tricks or loopholes or mechanisms that I've set up for you? It's the tricks, loopholes and mechanisms that got me audited in the first place.
I'm a house painter.
You have my corporate headquarters in the Cayman Islands.
That's completely legal.
You don't have to worry about it until they come knocking.
They're knocking! There's nothing here they can ding you for.
Gary, you have to stop thinking so small.
That is why you are where you are.
Where exactly am I, Taylor? In a tiny house with a tiny business and a tiny life.
Okay.
My life may be tiny, Taylor, but I like it.
And I'll tell you what I don't like.
You.
Okay? For 15 years, I put up with all your put-downs because you're family.
But I don't have to anymore if I don't want to, because we got divorced.
I think you're a jerk.
You're obnoxious.
You're a jackass, and if I was you, I would take my most expensive car and I would drive it off the tallest bridge in Manhattan.
That would be the Maserati and the Triborough.
And I almost did that very thing on the way to the airport.
- What? - You're right.
About everything.
I'm a phony.
You're rich.
You're supposed to be a phony.
You don't get it.
I lost my job! I lost my accounts.
I lost my savings.
I am living on credit cards.
All right.
Calm down, Taylor.
You're hyperventilating.
Yeah, I got fired.
Allison doesn't know.
What? Oh, my gosh.
What about all those cool cars? - Leased.
- Okay.
What about your apartment? The penthouse with the elevator? - Evicted.
- Okay.
What about that super gorgeous girl you were going out with? Trans You were going out with a transvestite? - Transferred to London! - Thank God.
All right.
Look, come on, let's blow the dust off.
Who cares? Let's get back to the audit.
What do you say? - And then we'll take the next step.
- No, there's no next step.
I never wanna see another number again.
I'm a failure! My accountant, ladies and gentlemen.
Taylor? Taylor? Leave me alone.
And turn the light off.
You know, if your voice was a little deeper, you'd sound just like Allison on our wedding night.
Sorry.
Just trying to lighten the mood.
- With a sex joke about my sister? - I was wrong.
I was wrong.
Look, this isn't you.
This isn't you at all.
No way, pal.
The Taylor I know is a winner! You're a winner.
Now, let's go back downstairs.
Let's do those taxes, attack the audit! Let's kick some ass! Come on, Taylor, let's go! Let's go! You know, you're kind of supposed to run after me.
I thought that was clear.
I can't do it anymore, Gary.
What do you mean you can't do it? My audit is Monday.
You have to do it! I'm a failure.
My whole life is a lie.
I'm so alone.
You're not alone.
You have me.
- You don't even like me.
- Come on, I like you.
All right, my children like you.
All right? I'm here for you, man.
Whatever you need, I'll do it for you.
Whatever it is that you need, I'll help you.
Hold me.
I'll put the TV on.
I'll make you some soup.
Hold me.
Run you a bath, get you a magazine I am a human being crying out in desperation and need.
Just come here and hold me! Okay.
All right.
There, there.
You don't know what it's like to be the family superstar.
You did it right, Gary.
You set the bar low for yourself.
Nobody ever expected great things out of you, and you never disappointed them.
That's the toast you gave at my wedding.
Come on, Taylor.
So what? You hit a rough spot.
That's not a big deal.
The important thing is you gotta get back out there, get back on the Is that your pants and underpants on my dresser? I don't deserve them.
They're the clothes of success.
And I am a failure.
I am a naked failure.
- Put these on.
- No, no, no! Go away! - I don't wanna see that! - I'm not wearing! Excuse me.
How's the audit going? Well, congratulations, Gary.
It only took you an hour to reduce one of the most brilliant financial minds in America to a frightened, insecure mess who won't put on his underwear.
Sorry.
I stopped listening after you said "Congratulations, Gary.
" So, thank you.
Is he coming down to do my audit or what? My God, who cares about your stupid audit, Gary? My little brother is upstairs in the fetal position.
- You have to do something.
- Why do I have to do anything? Well, you broke him, Gary.
You fix him.
Oh, no.
That guy got broke all by himself.
He's your brother.
You help him.
Well, I tried to get him to come home with me, but he doesn't want to leave your bedroom, and I don't know what to tell him, because, of course, I can't relate to that at all.
Look, Gary, I think the best thing for Taylor right now is just to stay busy, and that is why I told him you were gonna put him to work on one of your paint crews.
- What? - Yeah.
No, are you out of your mind? You think anybody can put a paintbrush in a paint can and put paint on All right, let me start over.
I don't want him on one of my paint crews.
I don't like the guy.
Come on, Gary.
Where's your compassion? - You got it in the divorce! - Oh! Hey, did something happen to Uncle Taylor? Honey, your Uncle Taylor lost his job, - and his money - And his mind.
- Gary.
- He did.
So he had a breakdown? Yeah.
It's okay, though.
You know, it happens when people have real high-pressure jobs and they work with a lot of money.
- So it could happen to you? - Well - No.
No.
- What? Your dad is safe, honey.
But, look, don't worry about Uncle Taylor, okay? Because your dad is gonna put him on one of his paint crews to help him get back on his feet.
And then when he's on his feet, we'll buy him a pair of shoes so he can walk back to the airport and go home.
But, Dad, come on, he's family.
You have to help him.
Is he gonna help me? Look, be out front tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.
m.
, okay? It's pretty simple.
You take the brush, you dip it in the paint, okay? Then you take the paint that's on the brush, put it on the wall.
Just like that, okay? What happens if I get paint on the clothes that you gave me? Nobody cares about that.
Listen.
The roller is when you wanna cover more area faster.
You just roll it right up and down like that.
- Can I ask you a question? - What? What happens if I get paint on the shoes that you gave me? Nobody cares.
Nobody cares if you get paint Look, hey! Okay? Look, great, we're painters.
Now, look, put your hand here.
I'm gonna help you.
I'm gonna walk you through it.
Come on.
There you go.
Now, when you paint, you just go up and down.
You can do it all by yourself.
I'm gonna let go on the count of three, okay? One, two Look at that, you're doing it all by yourself.
I don't know, Gary.
I don't think your ex-brother-in-law's cut out for this.
Of course he's not cut out for this.
That's the point.
He does this, he goes crazy, then he begs me to go back to doing my taxes.
Hey.
Hey! You're really getting the hang of it now! What happens when I finish the entire wall? Don't worry, there's, like, three other rooms in this house we have to get to, okay? - It's so repetitive.
- Yes.
It's very, very repetitive.
Every minute is just like the minute before.
Every day is just like the day before that.
It's just all the same.
Just day after day, and there's thousands of walls to paint.
So just turn off your brain and live your life one boring stroke at a time.
- I quit.
- What? No.
That speech wasn't for you, Dad.
That speech was for Taylor.
I'm just trying to freak him out a little, you know? Right.
And I'm proud of you for helping him out, Son.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, you have a great, big, oversized heart.
That's why I'm helping him, you think? No, it's something I keep forgetting to tell you.
It's hereditary.
I'm gonna go to Orange County.
I have a job.
If this guy starts crunching numbers, you call me immediately, okay? Check.
And you should see a cardiologist twice a year.
- Whoa! What happened in here? - We're done.
I mean, you're really done? Like, you covered up all of Taylor's mistakes? We didn't have to.
I've never seen a guy take to a roller like that.
Yeah, and he actually painted two coats, you know, and didn't just say he did, like I do.
Hey.
Beautiful job on the ceiling in the bedroom.
Jack-Attack, I love the kitchen.
Emerald Green was definitely the way to go.
Excuse me, Emerald Green? No, no, no, no.
The kitchen's supposed to be Butterscotch Sunset.
It just wasn't in my gut.
Sometimes you gotta think outside the box, Gary.
No.
No.
You don't.
We're painters.
We show up, we see the box, we paint it.
That's it, we're done.
That's the job.
The box.
It's the best job I've ever had.
Look, Taylor.
What the heck happened? When I left here two hours ago, you were holding the roller like it was a urine sample.
I don't know, I just I fell in love with painting.
The silky texture, the smell, the challenge of an unpainted wall.
When I go to bed tonight, I'm gonna dream of painting.
God, Gary, was that me? Was I ever that young? Garinator, you have saved my life.
Now I know why you love this job so much.
It's so Zen, so simple, so primitive.
It's like a monkey could do it.
Look, Taylor, I told Allison and Tommy that I would do right by you, and I am.
- Great.
- You're fired.
- Fired? - You're fired.
I thought the conversation was gonna go a whole different direction.
You don't belong here, man.
You got a brilliant mind for numbers.
This job would squash you like a bug.
Come on, it's so repetitive.
Every day, painting and sanding, painting and sanding, watching the whole world just pass you by.
I quit.
And this time, I really mean it.
All right.
Come on, Taylor.
You got knocked on your butt.
But you gotta get up and brush yourself off and use that mind for what it was made for, Wall Street.
I don't care what you say.
This is my life now.
And if you don't want me, I will find a paint crew out there who does.
- Okay, Taylor.
You win.
You're hired.
- Yeah? All right? Congratulations, working man.
You get to wash your hands with soap that hurts.
You'll get a check next week, but in the meantime, here, let me see Ooh! - There's your money.
- What is this? - That's a day's pay.
- A day's pay? Yeah.
Hold on a second.
Yeah.
I gave you too much.
I overpaid you.
- Overpaid? - Yeah.
I mean, it doesn't seem like much now, but you have to imagine it multiplied by six more days.
Did the rest of it go to my 401? Look at that, it's Shia LaBeouf.
You ready to get back on the horse, Wall Street Man? Shia, hold on one second.
Gary, I will be ready for your audit on Monday.
They're gonna regret the day they ever met me.
I know the feeling.
Shinola, how'd you know I was on the left coast? My accountant, ladies and gentlemen! Hey, Allison.
I just dropped your brother off at the airport.
He told me to give you a big kiss.
We'll just lie, and we'll say we did that.
- How'd the audit go? - It was amazing.
- Yeah? - It was T-Bone at his T-Bone-iest.
Wait.
Did he beat them up? Did he beat them up? They kept leaving the room.
Two guys left.
One guy left, I'm pretty sure, just to cry.
All right? I went into that audit owing thousands of dollars.
I came out of the audit, because of your brother, with a check for 83 bucks.
Oh! Well, that's great, 'cause I just got a bill for one of Louise's classes All right, just take it.