Grounded For Life (2001) s01e15 Episode Script

My chicken's gross.
It's not chicken.
I think it's Halibut.
No, it's not Halibut.
It's got a wing.
Not on mine.
You're all wrong.
It's squab.
What's squab? It's like game hen.
Oh, don't go broadcasting your lack of class.
It's pigeon.
Oh, I'm done.
What, you're not gonna eat that? All right, I'm gonna go see if there are any more of those hors d'oeuvres left.
You can't screw up pig-in-a-blanket.
You know, I'll get some for the whole table.
Nice ceremony, though, huh? Yeah, you know, I really liked that about how the ring is like a circle.
Yeah, that was very deep.
But, hey, Diane sure is a good-looking broad.
Yeah.
It's easy for her.
Not like when I was a bride and I had to hold my baby in one hand and toss the bouquet with the other.
You know, we had a great time at our wedding.
Yeah.
You weren't breast-feeding Lily.
What did you say? Hey, uh We were just we were talking What did you hear? I heard you say that I was at your wedding.
No.
Uh The thought Of having somebody like you That's what we were talking about.
The prospect of Exactly.
Yeah.
So you breast-fed the thought of me? Yes.
I can't believe you had me before you were married.
My whole life is a lie! I'm gonna skip the hors d'oeuvres table and go straight to the bar.
I'm right behind you.
Lily, Lily.
Come on, Lily.
Let me explain.
What is there to explain? You told me you fell in love, you got married, and I was the product of your love.
It's all a lie! No, it's not.
Those things happened, just, uh, not exactly in that order.
What do you wanna do? Lou and Rachel are gonna go see Rambo again.
You wanna go? We could do that, or we could Stay here and do it.
Yeah.
Put some music on.
All right, ok.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's all right.
Oh Oh, my gosh! Shh! Don't "shh" me.
I was conceived in the back of a Chevy Nova.
Lily Baby, it might not seem very romantic to you, but we were very much in love that night.
Ewwww! Lily, come on! Hey, Claudia.
Hey, Amy.
Nice wedding, right? Yeah, yeah.
That that squab was fantastic.
Squab? We thought it was veal.
Huh.
Hmm.
Hey, Eddie.
Yeah, hey.
Hey I was just thinking, uh, the fagens didn't come, so there's space at our table if you want to come over.
Thanks, but, um You know, I'm I'm here.
And I already unfolded my napkin.
Oh, I'm sure you can bring your napkin over.
I mean, if you want, I can talk to somebody.
Uh, thanks, I'm I'm good.
Well If you change your mind Uh, we're right over there past the cash bar.
All right.
Ok.
Hey, you know what? I think Amy likes you.
I'm likable.
I got a thing.
You slept with her, didn't you? I just met her yesterday.
So? It was just once.
You took advantage.
There is no one on this planet more vulnerable than a single bridesmaid.
Hey, I was the one who was vulnerable.
She came up to me.
Do you realize I'm the only bridesmaid here that isn't married? What's wrong with me? I mean, I'm prettier than her Nicer than her Easier than her.
Don't worry.
You'll be next.
I know it.
How could you say that? What did I say? She has to be next.
She's the only one left.
Do the math.
Eddie, you Sean: Lily, this is not a big deal.
Oh, well, if it's not such a big deal, why did you lie to me all these years? Sweetie, it was just easier.
The truth was much too complex to explain to a little girl.
Look, we didn't expect to have a baby then.
I was a senior in high school.
I had a lot of things on my plate.
Hey, Sean.
Hey, baby.
Hey.
Can we, um, um, hey, Eddie, can we, um, have a minute? Oh, no, Sean.
She wants to sing for the band.
Eddie All right, but just remember one thing.
This band ain't Katrina and the waves.
I'm so sure.
Hey, baby.
I've been thinking about Sean, I'm pregnant.
Huh? Yeah.
Could you turn off the drum machine? Yeah, um, yeah.
Oh, uh Uh, yeah.
Uh Are you sure? Yeah.
I took 5 pregnancy tests, and they were all pink.
Wait, wait.
I mean, I think blue means you're pregnant.
You think I didn't read the friggin' box? I don't know.
Maybe you took the test wrong! It's not the s.
A.
T.
, Sean.
You pee on it! Well, maybe something's wrong with your pee.
Yeah, there is.
I'm peeing for two.
Oh, god! Oh, oh Ok.
Hey, it's cool.
It's totally cool.
Gaaaa! You were such a pig.
Yep.
I was 17.
Hey, you guys.
Got a little wedding wish for Joe and Diane? Oh, yeah.
Joe, Diane, congratulations.
Oh, and by the way, I'm illegitimate.
Mr.
finnerty here? He says he's my father, but who knows? So, I hope I'm not ruining Hey, um, hey.
You know, can You can rewind that, can't you? Because this is You know what? Just give me the tape.
Give me the tape.
Give me the tape, man! Don't make a scene.
Hey, can you point me to the men's room? Eddie? So, you came to sit with us.
So, you're Eddie.
That's me.
Oh, um Let me get a picture of you and your boyfriend, Amy.
You know, I'm not her boyfriend.
But Why don't I get a picture of you folks? Smile.
That's gonna be a nice shot.
Hey, look what they're giving away for free.
Cool, huh? Great.
Stop it.
What's the matter with you? I just found out I'm a bastard.
Don't worry.
Dad says his boss is, too.
Yeah, and that guy who took our parking space at the mall.
Oh, I was one when I hit grandpa with a whiffle ball bat.
Go away! Go.
I hope their vows weren't on this thing.
Now I know why I've never seen the tape of your wedding.
'Cause I was on it! Lily, it was complicated.
You all right? I can't talk about it.
Claudia's pregnant, man.
No way.
That's ill.
I'm too young to be an uncle.
Hey, I'm gonna be a father, dumbass.
Oh, jeez, that's heavy, too.
Yeah.
Don't tell anybody.
Who am I gonna tell? Yo, man, guess who's gonna be an uncle, man.
No way.
Yeah.
Oh Guess what.
Sean finnerty Knocked up Claudia bustamante.
Tsk tsk tsk tsk.
I wish I were surprised.
Hey, congratulations, grandpa.
What? What was that? Come on, Madonna.
It's called a lady gillette.
Eddie! Did you tell anybody? Was I not supposed to? No.
Well, I didn't.
God, man.
Somehow the word got out, and I don't know, what am I gonna do? Well, you got no choice.
You're right.
You've gotta run away.
I'm not gonna run away.
I'm gonna marry her.
Oh, man.
Yep.
I have to, man.
I gotta do the right thing.
There you are, you irresponsible good-for-nothing! Dad, listen, ok? I've made a decision.
No, no.
You've been making all your decisions from south of the belt buckle.
Now, I'm making a decision.
You are marrying that poor girl.
Yeah, dad.
That was my decision.
You're damn right that's your decision, and you're not getting out of it! So long, grampy.
And you shut up! Hi, welcome to bennetton.
Claudia We should talk.
I'm listening.
I acted like a real big jerk yesterday.
Yes, you did.
And I was totally wrong.
And I think we should get married.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, Sean.
Oh, baby, I made a big mistake, and it's time I paid for it.
So, I'm the punishment? Oh, no.
No, not you, baby.
Marriage.
Oh So, let's just get on the phone with your parents, get the ball rolling Get out.
What? Get out of my bennetton! But I thought you wanted to marry me! Yeah, so did I.
Claudia, come on! Just go! Get move it! Get out! Claudia! Claud! Security! Uh Hey.
You know, my daughter's very special to me.
That's an excellent quality.
I think she'd be very pleased if you asked her to dance.
Yeah, you know, this is a bathroom.
I got stuff to do in here.
Well, I thought we should talk away from the women.
Yeah, but I have what you call a shy bladder.
You know, I can't really I can't really go with somebody watching, you know.
Well, I certainly don't want to put you out.
I was just hoping for an answer.
All right, all right.
I'll ask her to dance.
Could you look away now? Hey, take a picture of me with all these cameras.
Let's go in the bathroom and take pictures of our butts.
I'm gonna take, like, Hey, there'll be no taking pictures of your butts.
Let's just snap away under the stalls and see what we come up with.
Cool.
Hey, Lily.
You ok? You mean ok with my birth being the product of 2 people's utter contempt for each other? Yeah, I'm golden.
Look, ok.
There was very little contempt.
We were just, uh Estranged.
No, wait a minute.
You asked her, and she said no? She said no.
I can't believe it.
Yo She's on her period or something.
I don't think so.
Lou: That's cool, man.
You asked her.
She said no.
You're free.
Rock on.
That's it, man.
I'm free to rock on! You'd be a fool to not rock on.
Man, I'm fully entitled to just rock on! Then I'm gonna party! And forget Claudia.
Forget her.
She's nothing.
Yo, come on, man.
Come on, come on.
I'm cool, I'm cool, man.
I'm cool.
What's your problem? I got no problem, man.
I can just have any chick I want.
Man, I could I could have her.
Kasey? Yeah, yeah, Kasey.
She wants me, man.
She wants me Bad.
Are you talking about me? Yeah.
Come here.
I want to ask you a question.
What? Everybody knows that you like me.
That's not a question.
Ok, uh, do you know that you like me? Yeah.
Rock on.
Unh! Augh! Ohh Kasey? Who the hell is Kasey? You told me Kasey was the name of your dog.
Mm-hmm.
That's not entirely inaccurate.
Have you ever told me the truth about anything? S-sometimes.
Look, this was one of those really good, solid lies The kind that you can build a family around.
Look, Amy, I'm leaving this message, because if I told you here at the wedding, you'd freak out and everyone would look at me.
The thing is You know, what we had was Nothing, really.
Oh, god, here you come.
I better hurry this up.
It's me.
It's not you.
I hope we can still be friends.
Don't call me.
Amy.
Hello, Eddie.
Um Listen, I owe you an apology.
I just found out that my dad cornered you in the can.
Yeah, that's ok.
No, it's not ok.
I've been acting like a total psycho all night, and I'm Really embarrassed.
And if you never want to see me again, I understand.
It's just that you're such a cool guy, and you're So sexy, and Oh, boy.
I just hope I didn't blow it.
Nah.
I have to make a phone call.
Do you mind? Hey, Amy.
Forget that last message.
Forget it.
How could you have married him at all? He's got the name of the local slut on his arm.
Mm-hmm.
Our daughter asks a very good question.
Look, I just needed to get my priorities straight.
Oh Dad? You're up.
Mm-hmm.
I made you a cup of coffee.
Oh Oh So, you knew I was out there? Who do you think turned on the sprinkler? What was I gonna do? Let your mother find you out there in your tighty-whities? Oh, god.
I take it Claudia said "no.
" Yeah.
Yeah, I figured as much when I saw you got a man's name tattooed on your arm.
Oh, Kasey, uh, is a girl.
You're sure about that? Yeah.
God, I hope so.
Jeez, dad.
What was I thinking? God, I'm so stupid.
And I don't even know this girl.
I don't have Claudia's name tattooed on my arm, and I love her.
Did you ever tell her that? No.
Oh.
Well, some guys include that as part of the proposal, but then, what do I know? Look, just keep getting the names of tramps tattooed all over your body, and eventually you can join the circus.
Yeah.
Hi, claud.
Hi, welcome to bennetton.
Now get out.
Please, just give me I'm busy.
Well, I'm not gonna leave until you talk to me.
Well, then you're gonna be here a while.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
I got all day.
What do you want? Well, uh, what I really want to do is pee, but before that, I want to show you something.
Ok? Kasey? Yeah.
W-what is wrong with you? Claud, it's a symbol.
It means something.
It means you nailed Kasey! No, no.
It means I'm an idiot! But she is such a skank.
How could you? I didn't.
I was too drunk.
Oh, well.
This just keeps getting more romantic, Sean.
Look, claud, when you first came to me with the news, ok, I panicked.
And I was selfish, and then I tried to make things better, and I only made things worse, and then I went out, and I wanted to prove that I could live without you, and I proved the exact opposite.
I do stupid things when I'm not with you, Claudia.
And I can't afford to get any stupider.
No argument there.
And I love you.
I love you.
And you have to marry me, because I love you.
No.
No, I'm not gonna marry you because I have to.
I'm gonna marry you because I want to.
Yes! No.
No, not now.
It's just If we got married now, it's just gonna be because I'm having a baby and you're freaking out.
And you are freaking out.
Ok, just a little.
Yeah.
I'm gonna have the baby, ok? And then afterwards, if we still want to get married, then great.
But it'll be because we love each other.
Ok.
Oh And we were married with you in my arms.
So, in a weird way, I'm The proof of your love.
That's it.
Exactly.
And as your living proof, I will be forever tarred as a bastard.
Ok, I wish you would stop using that word.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
It's time for the father-daughter dance.
All the fathers and daughters join the bride and her father out on the dance floor.
Might I have the extreme pleasure? You are such a dork.
Hey, I'm your dad.
I'm entitled.
Let's go freestyle.
Dad.
Dad, come on.
Don't you have any rhythm? What? Come on.
It's you.
Look.
Just let me lead, all right? Ok.
This is pointless.
Look, uh Get on my feet.
Get on my feet.
What? Dad, I haven't done that since I was 5.
Get on my feet, or I'm gonna get on yours.
Ok.
Ow! I'm kidding.
You mind if I cut in? So, I'm sorry about before.
That's all right.
Weddings make people crazy.
I hate 'em.
Me, too.
You want to go make out in my car? Absolutely.
Someday, I'll be dancing at your wedding, Lily.
That's sweet.
Just don't be pregnant.
Grandpa! Can you believe we've been married for 15 years? Yes.
No, I mean, everything that's happened.
Yes.
Today feels like 15 years.
But a good 15 years.
Yeah.
Hey, you kids! Stop taking pictures of my butt! Oh, man.
We gotta deal with that.
Not now.
Come here.
Come here.
Where are your parents?! All: 1, 2, 3! Whoo! Ok, do over.
I'm next! Whoo! Whoo! I'm next! Eddie?