Guys With Kids (2012) s01e15 Episode Script

"Guys with Kids" is taped in front of a live studio audience.
So, everyone, we have big news.
- You're-- - I'm not pregnant.
Don't say I look pregnant.
Just maybe take a test.
Nick is directing a Super Bowl insurance commercial with a wisecracking badger.
"Gloria, we crashed the car again.
" Well, Marny has some great news too.
I got a promotion Ooh.
And not the kind th would've happened anyway, the kind you get for brown-nosing But you can't just kiss around the edge.
You really got to work your way in there.
Play the game, people.
All right, my turn.
Last week I was at the dentist, and I had that paper bib on-- you know, the one with the metal chain.
Food was everywhere.
I mean, there was blood.
There was spit.
There was more blood.
You got to floss, man.
Keep your nose out of my mouth, all right? And when they took the plastic bib off, I was spotless.
And that's when it hit me.
I need one of these for when I'm with my boys, when they're throwing food and have filthy hands.
A protective napkin that I can wear over my clothes, like a poncho.
I'm gonna call it "The over-cho.
" You should call it "The wrapkin.
" No, no, no, no, no.
That's what I said-- "the wrapkin.
" Well, Gary, whatever it's called, it's a great idea, honey.
All right.
So, Chris, let's keep the ball rolling.
- What have you been up to? - Oh, okay.
Okay, big things-- Uh, proofread some contracts at work.
Um, on the social front, I marathoned through some Golden Girls episodes.
It was pretty good.
Uh Ooh! Finally pulled the trigger on an iced-tea maker.
Yeah.
Had immediate buyer's remorse, returned it.
Boo! What? Chris, if that's the big stuff, you need to make a change, my friend.
You are a single guy.
You should be out there tearing it up.
Get a hobby, okay? Do something so that your sucky life doesn't suck the fun out of dinner parties, 'cause it sucks.
My life doesn't suck.
It's not great.
Life is how you live it ª oo™ª wake where you want to be hey,y - you and me - âOoh - we're hy - Oohey we need ouriends like tsun everybody singin' whyuld walk when you can run™ª everybody singin' why would yoalk n you can run? - O, we'll be home by 10:30.
There's ice crein the freezer.
Stacee, what are we doing tonight? I thought we would make friendship bracelets.
Oh, my God! You don't ever have to come home.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Ernie.
Hey, Stacee.
Uh, so, Nick, um, I took your advice to heart, okay? My life does kind of suck, and I'm changing things up, okay? I saw a flyer at Cagney's, and I am gonna learn to do something that I've always wanted to do.
Perfect.
Okay, whatever it is, I support you 100%.
I am gonna learn to become a DJ.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.
You said you were gonna support me 100%.
Yes, okay, I'm sorry.
You're right.
God.
Hit me again.
I want to become a DJ.
That's so stupid.
Sorry.
One more time.
Here we go.
I'll do it right.
I want to become a DJ.
Yes.
Only problem is, uh, the first class is tonight.
Oh, you can leave Ernie with me.
I don't mind.
The more, the merrier.
Great.
It's fine by me.
Have you thought of a name yet? DJ Christoph.
Yes.
Oh That one really took it out of me.
Gary? Are you ready for the opportunity of a lifetime? Babe, I'm tired.
I don't know if I'm up for it tonight Maybe quickly in the shower.
For years, people have walked through that door for work or a nice night out on the town, but they wanted to give their kids one last hug good-bye.
But they wanted to give their kids one last hug good-bye! We were playing with peanut butter.
But we want to hug you.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm wearing the wrapkin.
Uh-huh, look at it.
I can receive the affection of my children without going to the cleaners.
Thank you, wrapkin.
Yay! But wait.
There's more.
What if I told you you could get in on the ground floor of an amazing business opportunity? I'm in! All for an initial investment of $10,000.
I'm out.
What do you mean you're out? I thought you liked my wrapkin idea.
That was before it was $10,000.
Boys, can you give me and mommy a second? One.
There's a second.
Son, you're not reading the situation correctly.
Go.
Honey, listen I love being a stay-at-home dad.
But lately I'm beginning to think that I need more in my life than cleaning poop out of a heating grate.
Why would you need-- There are things that go on around here that you don't need to know about.
But I know this wrapkin is a great idea.
But like any new venture, there's start-up costs.
I just think it's too much money to gamble.
Baby, it's not a gamble.
It's an investment.
So then find some other investor so we don't have to take all the risk.
Okay, we can do that too.
But you do realize that we won't get all the money, which goes against the first rule of my favorite business book: Get all the money! Stacee! DJ Christoph! I'm sorry.
I thought you said 10:30.
No, no.
We can go wait outside till you guys are done if you want.
Uh, uh, how were the kids? - They were perfect.
- Oh, good.
And, um, uh, how were the kids? Good.
You gave me your library card.
Keep it.
Okay, well, I guess I should go.
So text me if you're free or whatever.
Cool.
Very cool.
Up high.
No! No up high! Ow.
Are you crazy? What were you thinking? I came to pick up Ernie, and--and Stacee asked me how my DJ class went.
And then, you know, we started talking beats, you know? And she--actually, it was really cute.
She confessed to having a crush on me.
Dude, you have not only taken my advice, you have tricked it out with spoilers and hydraulics and such.
Stop it! She is in college.
She's on a meal plan.
She calls Taylor Swift a woman.
Listen, Emily Nick told me to change it up, and I am changing things up.
And I got to yell, I feel Gah-gah-gah-gah-g-g-g-gah-gah-- Great.
Hey, guys.
- Everyone, this is Stacee.
- Hi.
Is that Stacee with a double "e" or a hearted "I"? Double "e.
" Oh.
Stacee, come play with me.
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
I'm not saying this to be rude, but, uh, you're not gonna charge us for that, right? - You're funny.
- Okay.
Was that a no? Chris, you seem so happy.
You're glowing.
I know, right? It's like I'm pregnant.
Yeah, thanks to Nick, I have a new perspective on my life.
Nick.
Nick.
Nick.
Nick.
It felt like a natural place for a "Nick" chant.
Hey, Chris, uh, is it cool if Stacee gets some of this? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I-I think.
Yeah, just--yeah.
Uh, Gary, what's going on with the wrapkin? Well, things couldn't be going better.
Like you, I'm doing some exciting new things.
- Yeah! - Yeah! In fact, that's why I invited all of you down here today.
This wrapkin thing is gonna take off, and I want each and every one of you there with me.
So I'm looking for some savvy investors that are interested in getting in on the ground level.
Sheila? Emily? Nick? You know what? I will invest.
My man! But not with money.
Something much more valuable-- advice.
Uhhuh.
Let passion guide you.
We are all the heroes of our journeys.
Aw, was that written on the dry erase board on Stacee's dorm-room door? Stacee lives off-campus with three girlfriends.
And it was written on a dry erase board in the kitchen, and Tanya wrote it, so And then Kimmy put a little heart next to it? Oh, my God.
I'm right.
Chris, come show the kids how you can walk on your hands.
Oh, okay.
It's so good to see Chris walking on his hands again.
You know, maybe these changes for Chris are for the better.
No.
No good can come of this.
Chris needs structure.
He is not free-spirit material.
You're going to break him.
I think you're just upset because he took my advice, and it's working.
And also, Stacee totally burned you with the double "e" thing.
All right What's the first rule of the park? Leave all our energy here.
Leave it.
Have fun.
Look what arrived! Oh, my wrapkins came! Congratulations.
I didn't know you'd found an investor.
- Yep.
- Who? Us.
You used $10,000 of our money without asking me? Marny, Marny, Marny.
Shh, shh! Just keep it down a little bit, okay, baby? There are five moms from school here just looking for gossip ever since Liz Clark got sober.
You I-I-- Hey, Helen.
Loving all your emails about the threat of super lice.
Look, I had no choice, all right? But don't worry--I'll have the money back in the account before you know it.
I have meetings with Marny, I am the hero of my own journey.
Do not quote Chris to me.
In all fairness, it was Tanya.
Hey, Claire.
Cute hat.
Does it come in my size? Don't forget what a great salesman I was, all right? I swept the 2002 Real Estate Awards.
Suck on that, Doug Weston.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I don't want to be late for my first meeting.
Well, good, because I don't even want to be around you right now.
All right.
Oh, hi, Liz.
See ya later, baby.
Mwah.
We love each other.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? We stayed up all night talking, watched the sunrise, and then kayaked under the George Washington bridge.
This morning was so incredible, it just made me realize how much I'm missing out there.
'Cause of me.
II'm gonna just keep taking things up a notch.
Yeah, also 'cause of me now.
So, on Monday, I'm resigning from my law firm.
Okay, that's all you.
I'm gonna figure out what I really want out of life and who I really am.
It's radical.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
I'm saying "radical" again.
No, no, listen, Chris, hey, don't do this, all right? A mean old man once told me that you need structure, and She may have been right.
Do you really think this is a good idea? Remember how you felt about getting bangs? I'm that sure.
I'm throwing a party for him at my place tonight to celebrate, so I won't be able to babysit for you.
We'd love for you guys to come.
We can't come because our babysitter's throwing a party for her unemployed boyfriend.
- Chris, don't do this.
- No, hey, listen You know what? I have a new life now and a new passion and a new girlfriend.
And you guys are just gonna have to get used to it, or don't.
Come on, Stacee.
Yeah! Yeah! Hi, um, what is so important? - Nick? - Hi.
It's, um It's Chris.
I have-- hey.
I was encouraging him to find himself, and now he's quitting his job on Monday to find himself.
- I warned you.
- Yes, I know you did.
And I tried to talk some sense into him and he wouldn't listen to me, so that's why I called you, because no one can stifle his spirit the way that you can.
Thank you.
That's nice of you to say.
Well, where is he? Let's get this done.
He's DJing a college party.
Oh, it's worse than I thought.
Okay, we need to go in and extract him now.
Whoohoo! Looks like we're going to a college party.
Maybe we should, uh, hang out here and get a buzz going first.
Why? Why would you drink before going to a party? Don't you want to stay sharp in case someone starts a Cole Porter sing-along? You know, I think you and I had very different college experiences.
Oh, my God.
Chris's girlfriend lives in a halfway house.
Do me a favor and keep me away from the coconut rum.
I am not flashing my taters tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You got to take a shot to enter this party.
- Oh.
- Whoa.
- Here you go.
- Okay.
Here you go.
Ma'am? There he is-- either that or a tall 12-year-old.
Oh, I could get full custody of Ernie right now.
- Boom.
- Oh! Muscle memory.
Hey! I'm glad you guys decided to show up after all.
Not for the reasons that you think.
- Hep! - Oh! I'm on fire.
Stop that.
Look, Nick and Emily told me you're going to quit your job.
Now, I know you're going through something, so I'm gonna say this gently.
DJing is stupid.
You look stupid.
You're acting stupid.
Now let's go.
No.
No, I'm not going anywhere.
You told me how awful my life was the other night, and now it rules.
- It rules so hard! - Ugh.
Why can't you just be happy for me? Chris, look around.
You don't belong here.
Hey, aren't you in my poli-sci class? Probably.
You know, as fun as it is to, uh, stand here while you guys bash my life choices, I got to work this fader like an alligator, okay? Chomp, chomp.
So All right, let's boost the wattage in this cottage.
Thank you for being a friend travel down troad Golden Girls.
Okay, well,is plem is about to correct itself.
This is not gonna be pretty.
You're a pal and a confidant Wait.
What is happening? What are you doing? I can't help it.
This is really good.
But the whole reason that we're here right now is to Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Back it up, back it up.
All right, everybody, we're just gonna take a little pause for the cause.
You were amazing.
How is that amazing? You made a room full of drunk people cheer.
Hey, I have nachos! - Gary, what are you doing here? - Hey.
I called him because I wanted some support from somebody who knows how to follow their dreams.
- Yeah! - No.
- No? - Nah.
- Today was horrible.
- What happened? I went into those meetings in full pitch mode.
I was on top of my game-- not one bite.
Nobody wants those things.
Marny's gonna kill me.
Gary, you can't give up on your dreams.
You know what, man? The-hero-of-my-own-journey advice sucks.
Hey! Is there anybody in here named Tanya? Oh, I'm Tanya.
You owe me $10,000! I just came here to get a drink before I went home.
Oh, don't bother.
All they have left is orange juice and peppermint Schnapps.
I'll make it work.
See, it doesn't matter how bad you want something.
It doesn't always mean it's gonna work out.
Just because it didn't work out for Gary doesn't mean it's not gonna work out for me.
I'm happier than I've been in a long time.
Okay, then do both.
Okay, be Chris the lawyer during the week and then DJ Christoph on the weekends.
Yes, otherwise, if you quit, how are you going to earn money? I'll figure it out.
I always do.
Dude, you were amazing tonight.
We took up a collection.
Oh! There's, like, I can do both.
Yeah, I thought the exam was super hard too.
Hey.
Kids, hide your wallets.
Captain wrapkin's here.
Okay, I deserve that.
I should have never taken the money.
Gary, you know it's not about the money, right? We've got to be on the same page.
Well, right now it's about the money.
I didn't sell one wrapkin.
Not one? - How is that possible? - I don't know.
Everywhere I went, I gave 'em the hard sell.
It's not like the old days.
I don't know what I did wrong.
I do.
Wrapkins aren't commercial real estate.
You came up with this idea because you're a stay-at-home dad.
- Mm-hmm.
- You've got to sell them like you're a stay-at-home dad, not some slick salesman.
So why didn't you tell me this before? 'Cause I was mad at you.
And I kind of just came up with it right now.
- Hey, what are you doing? - Painting.
But we didn't want to get it on our clothes, so we put on dad's wrapkins.
What were you boys painting? The twins!