Hey Arnold! (1996) s01e15 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
MS. SLOVAK: Arnold?
Arnold.
Arnold.
Huh?
Oh, sorry. What was
the word again?
(SIGHS) Nuclear.
Oh, yeah. Nuclear.
N-U-C-L-E-A-R.
Right! (EXCLAIMS)
(ALL CHEER)
That means you
and Helga are
the best spellers in school.
The City-Wide Spelling Bee
is on Saturday.
And there's
a $500 prize.
So good luck
to you two.
And, Helga, don't spend
all that money in one place.
I won't, Ms. Slovak.
I'll win, just like
I'm supposed to.
Good girl.
One last announcement.
They are conducting some
very dangerous asbestos
tests this weekend.
So when you come
to class on Monday,
it's very, very important
that you all bring
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(ALL CHATTER)
Good luck tomorrow, Helga.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.
Just get ready
to lose your butt.
If only my love could know
the torment of my soul.
I am telling you, Arnold,
you got it made.
A few years
on the spelling bee circuit,
at 500 a pop,
and you could
retire by age 14.
You kidding?
Helga's gonna cream me.
Think of what
you can get
with that 500 bucks.
Yeah.
The Tone Master 2000.
Five octaves,
800 megabytes
of music storage.
And over 250
pre-programmed instruments.
GERALD:
It's only 499.95.
You'll even have
change left over.
You're right, Gerald.
I'm gonna win that
spelling bee no matter what.
Now you're talking, man.
This is terrible.
If I win, I lose.
If I lose, I lose.
I should be happy,
but I'm not.
There is nobody
on the planet
with worse luck than me.
(SIGHS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(DOGS BARKING)
Thanks for the pep talk.
You'll be there for me
tomorrow, right, Gerald?
What, are you crazy?
And blow my whole Saturday?
You'll be fine.
Just remember, I before E,
except after C.
Yeah, right.
ARNOLD: I before E,
except after C.
I before E
It's Big Bob's beepers
He's the king
Big Bob's beepers
Ting-ting-ting
(BEEPING)
Big Bob's beepers
(APPLAUDING)
I'm Big Bob Pataki,
the beeper king.
Remember, we'll beat
any advertised price,
unless it's lower.
Come on down
to our Beeper Emporium
this Saturday
for our Annual
Spelling Bee sale.
If my daughter Helga
doesn't win the contest,
you get your
first beeper free!
And remember
(BEEPING)
Big Bob's beepers ♪
(LAUGHS)
I love that ad.
All right, back to work.
Next word is clavichord.
Please, Dad, I'm so tired.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Your sister Olga
could spell that word
when she was five.
And what are you now?
Six, seven?
Nine, Dad.
Whatever. Point is
you're a Pataki.
And Patakis
are winners, right?
Yes, Dad.
I remember the first time
your sister Olga won
the city spelling bee.
It was the greatest
moment of her life.
She was so happy.
I'll never forget
when she got
that final word
Qualm.
Q-U-A-L-M.
Qualm.
(SIGHS)
The L was practically silent.
But she nailed it.
She nailed that L.
Please, Dad, I've heard
this story a million times.
And you know why?
Because it was
a Pataki moment, that's why.
She won that trophy.
And then she won another.
And another. And soon
this whole room
was full of trophies.
But I saved a spot
for you, right there.
Behind that little one
in the back row. See it?
Uh, sort of.
Well, it's there.
And all you gotta do is win.
You hear me? Win.
Win. Win!
(SIGHS)
Okay, Dad.
I'll do my best.
Clavichord.
C-L-A-V-I-C-H-O-R-D.
Clavichord.
Phlegm. P-H-L-E
Uh
(TOILET FLUSHES)
G-M. Phlegm.
When you get to be my age,
that's a word you use a lot.
Milk and cookies?
No, thanks, Grandpa.
Hey, what's bugging you,
short man?
I don't know, Grandpa.
It's just
I don't think I have
a chance to win
this thing tomorrow.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, now listen, boy.
You know your grandma and me
will be proud of you
no matter how good you do.
You don't have
to prove anything to us.
I know.
You're just as smart
as any kid there.
The only thing
that can beat you
is your attitude.
You're right, Grandpa.
All I have to do
is think positive.
Here. Ask me a word. Any word.
Okay, here's one.
Onomatopoeia.
(SIGHS)
Like I said, Arnold, we'll be
proud of you no matter what.
I just hope
I don't embarrass myself.
Don't worry, you won't.
Gerald, you came!
Sure. I wouldn't
miss your big day.
You're a pal.
So, where's the snackbar?
BIG BOB:
Now remember, pumpkin,
all these other kids
have studied
and worked real hard,
day and night
just to get this far.
But they're all
suckers and saps.
That trophy
belongs to us.
I know, Dad.
Oh, and one other thing.
We got beepers
riding on this thing.
So when you're up there,
wear this around
your neck, okay?
But, Dad!
This is Olga's medal.
I don't need this.
Just wear it
for good luck, honey.
(GROANS)
TEACHER:
Everyone knows the rules.
Last speller standing
is the city champion.
And let the spelling begin.
The first word is glacial.
Glacial. G-L-A-C-I-E-L.
Glacial.
(BUZZER BUZZES)
I'm sorry, dear.
That is incorrect.
You are out.
(SNICKERS)
This is gonna be cake.
Sanctimonious. S-A-N
Philately. P-H-I-L-A-T-E-L-Y.
(ALL CHEER)
Effervescent.
Spurious.
(BUZZER BUZZES)
Lupine. L-U-P-A-N.
(BUZZER BUZZES)
(LAUGHS)
They're dropping like flies.
(BUZZER BUZZES)
Velocipede.
V-E-L-O-C-I-P-E-D
Uh E.
Velocipede.
(ALL CHEER)
(SIGHS)
That's it. Time for
a little insurance policy.
With only three spellers left,
let's start
with Seymour Stump.
Seymour, spell pasquinade.
No kid can spell that.
Pasquinade.
P-A-S-Q-U-I-N-A-D-E.
Pasquinade.
That is right.
(BELL DINGS)
(APPLAUDING)
SEYMOUR'S MOM: Hello, hello?
Oops.
Seymour, Seymour,
you there?
Did you get pasquinade?
Heinz.
No, I'm just
a pawn in a corrupt game.
I'm innocent.
Innocent, I tell you.
Innocent!
Psst. Psst.
Lot of big words out there.
Be pretty easy to mess one up.
Huh?
Well, suppose you
missed your next word,
but somebody paid you
the prize money anyway.
You mean like
lose on purpose?
Oh, it's not like that.
It's more like just
making sure that the kid who's
the best speller really wins.
Come on. There must be
something you wanna buy
with those 500 smackers.
(PLAYING MUSIC)
If you lose, you win.
If you try to win,
you'll probably lose.
So get out there
and lose like a winner.
Hey, what were you
talking to my dad about?
BIG BOB:
If you lose, you win.
GERALD:
Tone Master 2000.
(ALL CHEER)
All right, Arnold,
you're next.
Your word is onomatopoeia.
Onomatopoeia.
O-N-O-M-A
T-O-P-O-E-I-A.
Onomatopoeia.
(ALL CHEER)
GRANDPA:
Way to spell that word!
I can't believe it!
He didn't think
I could do it on my own.
All right, Helga,
you're next.
And your word is qualm.
Qualm? She's heard
that story a million times.
She's got it.
She's got it.
Let's see. Qualm.
Q-U-A-L
BIG BOB: You got it.
X.
(BUZZER BUZZES)
What!
(ALL CHATTERING)
That is incorrect.
Arnold is the new champion.
(ALL CHEER)
How could you miss qualm?
We just talked
about it last night.
Did we?
What do you mean "did we"?
I've told that story
a million times.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I just forgot.
(GRUNTS)
MAN: Look,
it's Big Bob.
WOMAN:
His kid lost.
Beepers for everybody!
You know, Dad. I think
you're gonna need this
for good luck.
ALL: We want beepers.
BIG BOB: It was a joke.
Didn't you see
the disclaimer?
You did good, kiddo.
I'm proud of you.
We all are, man.
Thanks, guys.
It feels good to win.
But I hope Helga's
not taking it too hard.
I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!
ARNOLD:
Okay, now follow my hand.
(COOING)
Good, very nice.
Here you go, Lester.
Good boy, Fester.
Eat up, Chester.
You've got a long trip
ahead of you.
Hey, Chester, what's
the matter? You haven't
eaten all your dinner.
Nah, must not be hungry.
You remember
where Gerald lives?
(COOING)
Do you remember
who Gerald is?
(COOS)
Good. Fly this
to Gerald, okay?
Take your time, Chester.
Pace yourself.
Hmm. Maybe I
should've sent Fester.
Hey, where's Gerald?
He's not here yet.
Boy, he should've
been here by now.
I sent one of my
carrier pigeons with a note
over an hour ago.
A carrier pigeon?
That's brilliant, Einstein.
You can't count
on a pigeon!
Hey, they're
really smart birds.
Arnold's correct, Helga.
Carrier pigeons can navigate
in many large urban areas.
Flying at an average speed
of 40 miles per hour.
Big deal.
It's the 20th century
in case you haven't noticed,
football head.
And there's been
a little invention
called the telephone.
Hey, Arnold. Man, I think
that something is seriously
wrong with Chester.
(COOING)
Chester!
Look out, here he comes.
(GRUNTS)
Nice grab, Arnold.
Arnold, I think
this is serious.
Your pigeon looks terrible.
He's still breathing.
I gotta do something for him.
Oh, come on,
it's just a dumb bird.
I think I'm gonna have
to take him to the vet.
Well, why don't you just
take him to the Pigeon Man?
(ALL GASP)
Pigeon man?
Sid, are you crazy?
That pigeon guy's nuts.
I've never heard
of a Pigeon Man.
Who's he?
Okay, Sid.
Lead me in, babe.
The legend of the Pigeon Man
has been handed down
from kid generation
to kid generation,
for as long as I can remember.
Which is about
since I was three.
Take it away, Gerald.
In the pet shop district,
there stands
an old tenement,
abandoned since
the great fire of '69.
After the fire, pigeons
started gathering by the
thousands on its charred roof.
No one knew why until one day,
someone saw a dark
figure moving among
the avian multitudes.
Forlorn, alone on the roof
of that 88th street building,
lived a creature,
half man and half bird.
Known only as Pigeon Man.
Some say he was
hatched from an egg
and left by aliens.
And he had a beak and a tail.
Some say he survived
by eating leaves,
twigs and worms.
Some say he's
a guy in a chicken suit.
A lonely deranged man
wanting only birds
for company.
Who knows? I don't.
But to this day,
flocks of pigeons
gather on the roof.
And that can only mean
that someone
is caring for them.
Someone known as Pigeon Man.
The end.
That's my boy.
So what's your point?
The point is
he's one crazy,
psychopathic freak.
But he's the crazy,
psychopathic freak
who can fix my pigeon.
What! But he's
he's psycho!
Yeah, Pigeon Man
is a freak of nature.
Actually, football head,
you two would
probably get along.
I don't care.
I've gotta save Chester.
I'm going to talk
to the Pigeon Man.
He's a bold kid!
A bold kid.
(PIGEONS COOING)
(RAT SQUEALS)
(PIGEONS COOING)
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello? Mr. Pigeon Man, sir?
Hi, I'm Arnold.
I thought maybe you
This is Chester, my bird.
He's pretty sick.
(COOING)
He won't eat.
Can hardly fly.
So what do you think?
Come back tomorrow.
You're going
to keep Chester?
(COOING)
And cure him?
(COOING)
So, um I'll
see you tomorrow.
Like around the same time?
All righty then, bye.
How many? Like 500 birds?
Did he smell?
Does he bite?
Thousands.
He did smell.
But not bad.
And, no, Stinky,
he doesn't bite.
He was okay.
And you left
Chester with him?
Yeah, he's gonna help him.
I could tell,
this guy
and those pigeons
He even spoke to me.
(CHUCKLES)
What'd he say?
Coo-coo-ca-chu?
I believe in him. When I
go back there tomorrow,
Chester will be okay.
I just know it.
Hi.
How's Chester doing?
He looks great.
How'd you do it?
Time. Patience.
And the right berries.
Thanks for curing him.
Here, berries for Chester.
He should take three
every four hours.
I wanna see him in a week
to make sure he's recovered.
Chester's a good bird.
How did you learn
to talk to them?
I've spent a lot
of time with them.
I trust them.
They trust me.
Don't you ever
get lonely up here?
Lonely for what?
For people? No.
I've seen you
and your friends around
the neighborhood, Arnold.
You kids remind me of me
when I was growing up
over on 23rd street.
You grew up around here?
I went to P.S. 118.
I go to 118.
Is Ms. Slovak still there?
She's my teacher now!
I did a project on birds
when I was in her class.
I became fascinated
by birds. Fascinated.
My friends thought
I was weird. So they
stopped talking to me.
It's hard for me
to trust people, Arnold.
There are good people too,
Pigeon Man.
Maybe, Arnold.
And you can
call me Vincent.
Don't you ever miss
the outside world?
Like movies,
and TV, and pizza?
Pizza, oh, pizza.
I'm glad you decided
to come.
How's the pizza?
The mushroom pizza
was exceptional.
Are these bits
of pineapple?
Now that's strange.
Man, I can't believe
Arnold thinks Pigeon Man
is so great now.
Yeah, who does he
think he is?
Aye, wait a minute.
I mean, if Pigeon Man's
down here,
who's back on the rooftop
watching his pigeons?
Nobody, I guess.
Hey, you know
what would be funny?
What if we went over
to Pigeon Man's roof
while he's away
and mess with his stuff?
(ALL LAUGH)
Like how?
You know, like take
all the bird seed
out of one bag
and put it
in another bag.
So we'll mess with his head.
He'll be all confused and all.
That plan
really bites, Harold.
I'm the boss
and we're doing it.
(SNIFFS)
Look, I'm Pigeon Man.
I love my little pigeons
I wish I was a pigeon ♪
(ALL SHOUTING)
HAROLD: Hey,
what's with the birds?
(ALL SCREAMING AND SHOUTING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Thanks for everything,
Arnold. It was great.
Hey, it was the least
I could do after
what you did for Chester.
Oh, right, you need
to pick up Chester.
Why don't you come on up?
ARNOLD: What!
This is awful.
Who did this?
People, Arnold.
We can rebuild the cages
and sweep up.
Your birds will come back.
Of course they'll come back.
They're birds.
I trust them.
I understand them.
It's people
I don't understand.
You see, Arnold, it's time
for me to leave here.
Some people are
meant to be with people.
And others, like me,
are just different.
Pigeon Man, wait.
None of this
would've happened,
if I hadn't
Arnold, don't be sad.
You've taught me
that some people
can be trusted.
And I'll never forget that.
Where will you go?
Somewhere I can live
in peace with my friends.
Don't you see?
I have a mission
to help pigeons everywhere.
Wherever there's
a bird in need of seed,
I'll be there.
Wherever there's
a helpless flock
suffering some abuse,
I'll be there.
Wherever there's a pigeon
with a weak wing
or a broken beak,
I'll be there.
Vincent?
I just hope there's
another Arnold
where I go next.
Remember, Arnold,
always wash your berries
before you eat them.
And fly toward the sun.
Goodbye, Pigeon Man.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)