Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e15 Episode Script

1 [GHOSTLY VOCALIZING.]
[MUSIC.]
[RAP BEAT PLAYING.]
[HARD ROCK PLAYING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[VOCALIZING.]
CARRIER BAT: Special delivery for Mavis! Thanks! It's from my dad! - Oh! - Nice.
Any snacks? DRACULA: "My dearest Mavis, wazzup?" [SIGHS.]
"Just wanted to tell you I finally signed a monster endorsement deal like my buddy Frankenstein is always doing!" [CRACKLING.]
Falling limbs got you down? Then try Frank-n-Stick! Frank-n-Stick! From the makers of Frank-N-Gum! The trick of course [CHOMPS.]
Is to not mix them up.
Frank-n-Stick DRACULA: "So now, I have a cool product! And since you're the coolest vampire I know, I told them to name it after you! Cool, right?" Argh! Stop saying cool.
Stop saying cool.
Stop saying cool.
DRACULA: "Everybody says cool.
I'm sending over the prototype right now! So get ready for The Mavey-Waveys!" [SQUEALING AND PANTING.]
Wow, your dad went all out! The Mavey-Waveys are awesome! Uh, those are packing worms, Wendy.
Huh? This is what he sent me? - Wow.
- Those are the "cool" Mavey-Waveys? [ECHOES.]
Super cool.
[LAUGHING.]
Ugly wings that don't even help you fly? "Mavey-Lameys" more like it.
What?! - What? You call this lame? - Well, they are wave-y Right? And I'm Mavey.
That's called truth in advertising, my friends.
[GRUNTS.]
Uh Whoa! Nice fit.
Sort of.
You guys have no idea what's fashionable on the torture racks in Tombstone, okay? I look good wearing them, so will other monsters.
That's what matters.
See, they're kind of [GRUNTS.]
[ALL GASP.]
Cool.
Super cool.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
Uh, these wings are a little heavier than I thought.
[GRUNTING.]
[THUDDING.]
And wider than I thought! Sorry.
[DIANE CLUCKING.]
Aunt Lydia, check out my dad's new product! The Mavey-Wavey.
[DIANE CLUCKING.]
I agree.
She's never looked better.
[LAUGHS.]
[DIANE CLUCKING.]
I don't care what anyone says, I'm gonna rock these wings! [THUDDING.]
Sorry.
[STUTTERS.]
Sorry! Nobody makes a double Scum Burger like Roadkill Burgers! [IN SING-SONG VOICE.]
I've been waiting all night for this! [GRUNTING.]
[MAVIS CHOMPING.]
Mmm.
You can really taste the mildew.
[CHOMPING.]
Oh, come on, man, that's my shake! [GASPS.]
Oops.
Sorry! - My onion ears! - Oh, oops.
My Hank ears! [GASPS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Found it! [NERVOUS GIGGLING.]
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
[SHATTERING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
What do you guys know about what's hip? Okay, pretty good comedic timing, but still! [GRUNTING.]
Whoa! [GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
These wings aren't cool.
[GRUNTS.]
They'll never be cool.
They are the exact opposite of cool, whatever that is! Bad riddance! [SIGHS.]
My winged nightmare is finally over! Downward Donald Om [GASPS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Wishes do come true! Now these are cool.
[ECHOES.]
Super cool! Without those goofy wings, everything is back to normal.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Uh-oh, what's going on? Mavis! Everyone has been ordered to stay in their rooms! I'll miss you! [GRUNTING.]
I have to go who-where-now? MAVIS: [GASPS.]
Dad? Mavis! Are you okay? I was so worried.
[STUTTERS.]
I-I-I'm fine.
What are you doing here? I'm using the Vampire Council Emergency Crystal Ball because Ah! Humans have crossed the un-crossable line! They've offended us like never before! Observe.
The human must have broken into the hotel during the middle of the day when we were sleeping and stole them! It's the only explanation.
[GULPS.]
Yes, the only explanation.
Hmm.
It doesn't feel right.
Why would humans want to take those wings? Yes, they really are quite hideous.
In a bad way.
Truthfully, I'm glad they're gone.
- We cannot stand for human trespassers! - Don't you see? They want to get inside our brains to know how we think.
But they will not get my brains, no! We must get those wings back before it is too late! We can't just rush over and attack them.
We need to be sure.
[GULPING, THINKING.]
I gotta stop this.
But if I come clean, I'll disappoint my dad.
Or I'll just go get the wings back and all this will be over! They'll probably even call me a hero! It's the perfect plan! Yes! That wasn't weird.
UNCLE GENE: Fly in.
Fly in slow.
Easy.
Okay, I'm within range.
Good.
Now we'll get the real scoop.
Commencing audio transmission.
And then the majestic dragon swooped down from the sky and blew fire! [HISSING.]
Roasting all the hot dogs and saving the picnic! Yay! You see? The humans want to use the wings to attack us from the sky with fire.
And then eat us! Uh.
I'm not sure he really said that, Qua He was obviously talking in code! What else could he mean? - We must prepare an attack! - I agree.
Return the drone to base! [RUSTLING.]
- Okay, Waveys, come to Mavey.
- WOMAN: Donald! Well, hello! [GIGGLING.]
What do you think you're doing? Not good.
Definitely, not good! Ooh! [GRUNTS.]
Why are you and our daughter dressed as monsters? Aw, she's trying to be like Daddy.
How cute! What did I say about encouraging monster behavior! Something, something something, something.
[GROANS.]
I gotta get outta here.
Careful! Hey, let go of me! - Hon, it's just a harmless costume.
- Whee! It's like that play about the girl and the thing in the place.
Whee! No.
Stop.
You, stop.
Stop, stop! This is not fun! Hey, careful! That's how it starts, then the next thing you know, she'll have a spiked tail and be dropping from the sky! [BABY LAUGHING.]
Holy rabies! - My baby! - Phew.
- Looks like it's officially bedtime! - I am not happy! [SIGHING.]
There goes the wings.
[GROANING.]
Now, there's only one thing to do.
[GULPS.]
Monsters! We cannot stand idly by as humans plot to destroy us! This is the moment in history that monsters will never forget! [SNORING.]
[SIGHING.]
Mavis! What are you [WHISPERING.]
This is really hard, but this was kinda my fault.
I'm, I'm sorry.
And I really, really tried to like them but they were just so ridiculous.
So, I kind of maybe, sort of, um, thrown them out the window.
[GASPING.]
I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry! AUNT LYDIA: We must be strong, resolute.
We must not bend or turn back DRACULA: Okay, okay, let's back it up a bit.
Okay, everyone, can I just say a few words? So, I've been thinking, we really don't need to attack the humans.
And, uh, the wings are, what? Are you kidding me? Right here! Well I just I must have misplaced them when I came in.
You're just making hand shadow on the wall that looks like wings.
Exactly.
I've got the wings so we don't need to do any attacking, or, uh We were all ready to go to war, Mavis said something, and now you don't want to! What did she say? She was, uh, just saying how Dracula is the super coolest monster around! Right, Mavey Wavey? Yep.
You are super cool.
I'm sorry, it must be, uh, the way the room is set up, bad reception over here.
Could you say it a little louder this time? [GROANS.]
My dad is super cool! [ECHOING.]
Super cool.
Okay, great.
I like that.
Hope you all heard that.
Lockdown is over! Have a bad night! You never want to go to war with the humans! Remember, when one ate my Butterscream birthday cake and you said to forgive them.
Actually, I've been meaning to tell you.
I ate it.
Yes.
Me.
Sorry.
If it's any consolation, though, it tasted great.
[EVIL SCREAMING.]
QUASIMODO: En garde! [YELLS.]
War! Uh.
No war? Oh, c'est bon.
DRACULA: Mavey, I'm sorry for pressuring you to wear those wings.
Perhaps they were a bit much! And I'm sorry for almost starting a war 'cause I couldn't tell you the truth about those ugly, awkward, - uncomfortable, ugly again - Okay, I I get it! Honeyguts, never forget that we can always talk to each other about anything, no matter what.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, I know.
That's what makes you super cool! I'm glad you think that because there might be another Mavey-Wavey product coming out really soon.
Okay, bye! Love you! Wait, what? "The Mavey Savey?" It makes swimming pool safety cool.
[ECHOES.]
Super cool.
[LAUGHING.]
[GROANING.]
Thanks, Dad.
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[WOLF HOWLING.]
PEDRO: Nice.
You playing pin the stake on the vampire again? - Wait.
You play that? - Never.
- Definitely, not.
- 'Course.
This is my body part family tree! You guys know all about your history, I wanna know where my parts are from.
Whoa! You're part Werewolf? HANK: Yep.
My right-elbow part! My nose is from a Swamp Thing, and my kidneys are from an Invisible.
I mean, I hope.
- Cool.
Where's this from? - HANK: The mail.
I couldn't figure out where my left thumb came from, so I sent away for a home DNA test, but I'm too nervous to open it.
Your thumb's from a troll, dude.
100%.
Uh-uh.
Chupacabra.
No doubt.
I can't take the suspense.
Open it! What is it? How bad? Ow.
Really bad.
Paper cut.
[ALL GASPING.]
Drumroll, please.
My thumb is Eh, um, vampire? "From a member of the Dracula clan dating back thousands of years!" Holy rabies! We're related? - Dude, you're part Dracula! - Whoa, cool! Totally see the resemblance.
Aren't you gonna eat? Second breakfast is the fourth most important meal of the day.
Uh, I'm part vampire, remember? Don't need to eat.
Well, I think Mavis would disagree.
[GROWLING.]
[SLURPING.]
Vampires do need to eat, Hank.
And, it's your thumb with a little cape on it.
I know.
Look how good he looks.
AUNT LYDIA: What is this abhorrent nonsense I hear about Hank Stein being part Dracula? I should put you in stocks for just suggesting such a thing.
[SNAPS.]
The certificate.
Mmm-hmm.
[CLUCKING.]
Pretty neat, huh? - Oh! - Oh! I would bet my afterlife this thumb belonged to the late, great Lycidias Dracula.
The last of the truly horrifying Draculas.
His depravity made us a household name.
He was so feared, his cows milked themselves at the mere mention of him.
MAN: [WHISPERS.]
Lycidias.
[COWS MOOING.]
PEDRO: Wow, dude.
That is some lazy farming.
Lycidias wasn't a farmer! He was my mentor.
He taught me the fine art of maniacal laughter.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
Lycidias was an insidious creature of the night.
Who had cows.
It was 3,000 years ago, everyone had cows! I did not know that! Mavis, you will train your new cousin in the ways of the vampire.
Until next time, thumb of Lycidias.
Did you hear that? I guess your Aunt Lydia is my Aunt Lydia, too! Ooh! We're officially blood relatives! Oh, shh! Don't mention blood or my thumb might get hungry.
[SNIFFING.]
Don't look at me.
I'm made of pure joy.
There are several rules of thumb for being a vampire.
First, we don't drink blood anymore.
Uh-uh.
Vampires drink "I Can't Believe It's Not Hemoglobin.
It looks, tastes and stains just like the real thing! O-negative, now sold in a scab-free spray bottle!" Um, who are you talking to? One day, an invisible talent scout is gonna be watching, and I'll be ready! There's so much I can learn from you, Mavis.
I might need that scab-free spray bottle.
MAVIS: Lesson two.
If you're gonna be a Dracula, you gotta sound like a Dracula.
Ready? - Bleh-bleh-bleh! - Bleh-bleh-bleh! I don't say "bleh-bleh-bleh!" Thirdly, you've gotta bat out.
Close your eyes, think flappy thoughts, and Ahhh! How do you steer it? Whoa! [CLATTERING.]
Oh-oh.
Sorry! Ow! [SCREECHES.]
MAVIS: [LAUGHING.]
Awesome! There's just one last thing you need to be able to do as a vampire.
[GROANING.]
- Learn to rejuvenate.
- Oh.
That I can do.
[SNORING.]
[GASPING.]
Do you always nap with the Queen of Darkness watching over you? It is time for the Dracula Family meeting to commence.
Hank, you nap.
I'll be right bat.
AUNT LYDIA: Nonsense! Lycidias' thumb will be our guest of honor.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Wow.
Aunt Lydia just smiled at you.
Kind of.
And disappeared into a cloud of smoke.
Can you teach me to do that? [FARTING.]
- [COUGHING.]
Never mind.
- Ew.
Stop! Now, to the matter at hand.
See what I did there? The addition of a new portrait to the Hall of Draculas.
[CLAPPING.]
Yes! I've been waiting since forever to get my portrait in the Hall of Draculas! Zombie Michelangelo will of course do the honors.
Michael! I present to you the Thumb of Lycidias.
Hank's thumb is getting a portrait? I don't even have a portrait in the Hall of Draculas, - and I am a Dracula! - Yes, well, so is the thumb, - and it's much older than you.
- Aw, yeah! But it's just a thumb! All thumbs are good for is hitchhiking, and giving the thumbs up, and having a thumb war.
Okay, okay, fine, we need thumbs, whatever, but still! This is so unfair! Save your indignance for when the thumb is to be coronated with a royal portrait raising.
Oh.
You're right.
That's a much better thing to freak out over What?! [THUDDING.]
A royal portrait raising's for the most revered of Draculas! You have to be 2,000 years old! Lycidias' thumb is revered, and over 2,000 years old.
But it's just a thumb! That is a lovely cape, Lycidias.
THUMB: Thank you.
[GRUNTING.]
Uh, luggage over there! Uh, you missed a spot! Being declared a Dracula has completely gone to Hank's head.
I mean, thumb.
It's driving me batty! HANK: Welcome to Hotel Transylvania! Did you know that my left thumb is a Dracula? Yeah, it may run this place one day! Excellent work, Mr.
Stein.
Nothing to thumb your nose at.
Hmm.
MAVIS: Excellent work? Did she just wink, and make a joke? A bad one, yeah, but a joke? Aunt Lydia is fawning all over Hank, and his thumb is getting everything I've been working so hard for.
The portrait, the hotel, her respect! I've got to do something.
You could reorganize my shoe collection! Oh.
I have no feet.
How about you sneak in while Hank is sleeping, take his thumb, and have Zombie Da Vinci build you a flying machine.
No, a time machine! Oh, okay, yeah, fine.
A time machine.
WENDY: But first, have him design an impenetrable box.
PEDRO: Okay, a box.
Put the thumb in the impenetrable box.
WENDY: And time travel all the way back To Ancient Egypt.
And say hi to my man King Tut! Uh, you mean the King Tut who could mummify Hank's thumb - only to have it show up back here? - Right.
No good.
Okay.
You should travel back to the age of the dinosaurs? WENDY: Yes.
The dinosaurs! Feed it to a T-Rex, but do it quickly, when you get back I really wanna have a glitter bomb dance party! Glitter bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb - So? - I didn't hear a word you guys said.
- Come on! - Is that a no to the glitter bomb? [FANFARE PLAYING.]
[GASPING.]
It's time for the royal portrait raising! AUNT LYDIA: Mavis.
A-blood-dumping we shall go.
- A blood dumping we shall, what? - It means, you've been accepted into the realm of the undead for all of eternity.
As they raise your portrait, by tradition, a bucket of blood is dumped on your head.
Lucky! BOTH: Ugh.
Well, technically it's not blood.
It's "I Can't Believe It's Not Hemoglobin!" This can't be happening to Hank's thumb - before it happens to me! - I know what'll cheer you up.
How about a glitter bomb Dance party Do the running blob Here we go Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Do the running blob It's a bomb Maybe you're on to something, Wendy.
[SNORING.]
HANK: I didn't think I'd be so nervous.
Ah, c'mon, you've got this.
You're a Dracula now.
How did you two sneak into the Vampire Catacombs? - Connections, baby! - What's up? Glitter.
That's what's up.
Literally.
I took your advice.
I'm getting rid of the thumb.
Instead of bathing Hank in "I Can't Believe It's Not Hemoglobin," that bucket is filled with glitter, rose petals, and rainbow streamers.
All you're missing is the unicorn.
[LAUGHS.]
Hank's thumb will look the opposite of what a Dracula should look like, then Aunt Lydia will think twice about fawning all over him so much! Tell my thumb to break a leg! - Aw.
Look at how excited he is.
- Yeah, and trusting.
AUNT LYDIA: I call upon you, the current thumb of Hank N.
Stein, and the former thumb of the great Lycidias Dracula, to be immortalized in the Hall of Draculas! [SNORING.]
HANK: Mavis, Mavis! Will you stand with me? What was I thinking? I can't do this to Hank! [SCREAMING.]
[PANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Whoa! [SCREAMS.]
[CLUCKING.]
Ahhh! The glitter! [SCREAMING.]
- So beautiful.
- I feel so so - [SOBBING.]
Cute.
[GASPS.]
- AUNT LYDIA: Mavis! Unfathomable that you and I descend from the same gene pool.
Ugh! - [GASPS.]
My what? - Wow.
Thanks, Mavis.
You took that glitter bath for me? I'm sorry, Hank.
This was all my fault.
I'm happy for you and your thumb.
- Best cousins forever? - Best cousins forever.
UNCLE GENE: Hey! My big toe! I've been looking for that thing for 1,000 years! [GASPING.]
[KIDS GROANING.]
HANK: So now what do I do for a thumb? Okay, can I just say, it's hilarious that there's a portrait of a big toe in the Hall of Draculas.
I can't believe I'm not a Dracula.
I can't believe, I ever thought you were one.
[DIANE CLUCKING.]
[VOCALIZING.]