I Didn't Do It (2014) s01e15 Episode Script

Why is bears wide receiver Alshon Jeffery holding me like a baby, why is NFL legend Dick Butkus staring at me, and just out of curiosity, why is there a snowmobile crashed through my basement wall? There's a very good explanation to all of this.
Lindy.
Oh, but you tell it best, Logan.
Someone start telling it now.
First, can someone please scratch my lip? I'm waiting for an answer.
And I'm waiting for you to get out of my arms, little fella.
Look, I hate to put the blame on anyone, but technically, this is kinda your fault.
My fault?! Whoo, yeah, baby! Did the bears just score? Nope, I just did.
Online auction.
Check it out.
A Dick Butkus autographed football? Dad, you spoil me.
Logan, you are living in a dream world.
It's for my boss.
I give him the ball, he gives me a promotion.
And then you spoil me? Oh, it's just a squirrel on a conveyor belt up there sometimes, isn't it? If you already had the ball, what the heck am I doing here? Technically, that's our mom's fault.
See, she had to go out of town.
Are you kidding me? You had one thing to do while mom's away.
I'm doing the dishes.
There isn't even water in the sink.
No, no, no, see, you let the food cake up for a few days, when it gets crusty, you brush it off.
It's called dry cleaning.
Not anymore, it's not.
Hey, what's in the box? Just some makeup I ordered online.
Before you get started, allow me.
Hey, Lindy, shouldn't the box be bigger? Did you buy enough makeup? Too bad you didn't order another face.
That last one was pretty good.
Only this isn't makeup.
That's dad's Dick Butkus ball.
He bought it for his boss.
Watson jukes right, cuts left.
Avoids a tackler, flips her hair in a perky manner.
Look at her go! Stop.
It's one of a kind.
You'll ruin it.
Well, then you take it.
Look at what you did.
What I did? What you did! Hey, guys.
Garrett, why are you still wearing your Jersey? You do know the game's been over for two days.
What, you mean this Jersey that I wore to kick the winning field goal in the final seconds of Friday night's game? I'm still wearing it 'cause it's lucky.
This morning, when I took out the trash, I found an Honest Abe in the driveway.
Can't you just call it five bucks like everyone else? Trust me, Honest Abe is gonna catch on.
No, sweetie, it won't.
Anyway, the shirt's lucky, and I'm not taking it off.
See, if I wasn't wearing the Jersey, I could've gotten really hurt.
So I'm meeting Shawn later from the school fantasy tetherball league.
Fantasy tetherball? I know it's a little mainstream for me, but I love the rush! Well, I'm glad you have a date.
It's not a date.
He's bringing a friend.
We're just hanging out.
- So it's a hang.
- Yeah, but here's the thing.
I need you to come along and hang out with his friend Alex.
So it's a double date.
No, it's not a double date.
- It's a double hang.
- Too bad, I wouldn't mind a date.
Oh, good, 'cause it's actually a double date.
Is the autograph okay? I don't know.
I can't see it.
It's covered in What is that? Dishwashing liquid.
Dry cleaning the dishes is looking pretty good right now, huh, Lindy? We can't grab it with our hands.
The autograph might smear.
We need something to fish it out.
See? It just needs some time to dry out.
Hey, kids, I'm home.
We're out of time.
Hide the ball.
Hi, dad, how are ya? Do you know if my Dick Butkus football came today? Wow.
Not a "hi.
Hello.
How was your day, Lindy?" These years are gonna fly by fast, and you are gonna regret not spending more time with me.
Lindy, I just wanna know if my package has arrived.
I have to give it to my boss this Saturday at the partners dinner.
- Wait, I need you.
- For what? It's just Mom is out of town, and I have a lot of questions about my body.
There are changings happening, dad.
Big changes.
Your mom will be back Friday.
Try not to change too much before then.
Logan, dad's coming into the kitchen.
Hey, did my football come? Wow, not a "hi, hello, how's your day, Logan?" These years are gonna fly by fast Lindy, please.
Did my football come? I don't know.
What's it look like? A football.
The one I got to impress my boss.
You know, if you really wanna impress your boss, you should work harder.
You did knock off a little early.
- What's wrong with you, Lindy? - Nothing.
It's just Being in the kitchen reminds us too much of mom.
Why? She's never in here.
Hey, that reminds me.
Your mother left some frozen dinners for us.
No, not the freezer.
- Why not? - Yeah, why not? Because there's nothing in there, except an old, wet, weirdly shaped meatball.
Yes, and what kind of father are you feeding us frozen dinners? Our bodies are growing Please don't start with that again.
Hey, how about we go out to eat tonight? Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be a perfect chance for us three to really bond, just the three of us.
Or you could go by yourself.
That's a great idea.
Let's all go out to dinner.
Yeah, we'll have a ball.
Don't say ball.
Remember that tetherball match when spiker 50 had a ropey followed by a double touchy? Yeah, and then he got hit in the head by a virtual ball.
He was out colder than bilbo baggins after the battle of the five armies.
What on earth are you guys talking about? Don't you mean what on middle earth? What exactly is middle earth? It's from lord of the rings.
Oh, I love rings.
I should be lord of the rings.
I have this silver one and this sapphire one.
I also have an opal one.
My aunt gave it to me.
It's horrible, but I told her I loved it.
Sometimes, it's better to just nod your head, smile, and go along with something, you know what I mean? Hey, thanks again for dinner, dad.
You know, you look tired.
You should probably go to sleep now.
It's 7:30.
Guys, mom's away.
I say we all take advantage.
- Who wants ice cream? - No! You know what happens when you have dairy? You get that dairy-air from your derriere.
Logan, I'm impressed with your French.
Yeah, he knows how to say "butt" in every language.
Why don't you go upstairs, and we'll bring you a nice fruit salad.
And don't let the door hit you in the tuchus.
Yiddish.
What is wrong with you? Who dries a wet football in the freezer? You never heard of freeze dried? Let's just defrost this thing.
- Cold, cold, cold.
- Oh, cold, cold, cold.
Cold, cold cold! Oh, man.
Dad is gonna kick our eongdeong ees.
Korean.
Okay, I couldn't find another Dick Butkus autographed football, but you think dad's boss would like a tissue that Taylor swift blew her nose in? I just wanna point out, if you'd only asked to borrow my lucky Jersey, none of this would've happened.
And that helps how? It doesn't.
I just like to mention my lucky shirt at every possible turn.
Hey, it's workin' for me.
I aced my bio test.
Speaking of bio, I'm surprised you're not obsessing over the millions of bacteria multiplying on your skin every second.
Well, I am now.
Hey, someone's selling a pair of Alshon Jeffery's socks.
Maybe dad's boss would like that.
"Hey, boss, I got you some smelly, moldy socks.
" "Thank you, Bert.
I think I'll promote you now.
" Does that sound like a scenario that could actually happen? I believe it is a viable alternative.
Hey! I don't want this to sound weird or awkward but I thought your friend was a little How do I say this? Weird and awkward.
Oh, that's okay.
He didn't think you two were a match, either.
Oh, good.
That's a relief.
Wait, what? He's not into you.
He said you're not his type.
What are you talking about? Not his type.
I'm everybody's type.
I'm the o-positive blood of high school girls.
Yet still, he b-negative on you.
He likes quirky.
I can be quirky.
Please.
You're about as quirky as a hipster with a funny mustache.
I don't get it.
You would if you were quirky.
How do we know Dick Butkus even works out at this athletic club? Because he's a champion.
And this gym has the most high-adrenaline extreme workouts in all of Chicago.
Plus he just posted this picture of himself getting a mani-pedi at the spa.
Good for that generation, finally getting involved in social media.
And caring for their cuticles.
Okay, let's just find him and get the ball signed before I have to go home and talk to dad again about my changing body.
You're not the only one whose body is changing.
And that helps us here how? I'll go check the spa.
Hello? Mr.
Butkus, are you in here? I hate to bother you, but I really need you to sign a football for me.
Whoa! Mr.
Butkus.
I think you've been in here way too long.
Sorry, ma'am.
Where have you been? Washing out my eyes.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, I couldn't find Dick Butkus anywhere.
Either could I.
How are we supposed to butter up Butkus if we don't have a Butkus to butter? Well, we'll just have to tell dad the truth.
You know that's not how we roll.
It doesn't smell that bad.
It's lucky.
Lindy's right.
Maybe it's not lucky.
Maybe it's just teeming with bacteria.
I gotta get it off.
Hi, Garrett.
I saw you kick that field goal the other night.
You're, like, the school hero.
Jersey on, Jersey on! I don't know about hero.
Most valuable player, maybe.
Would you like to go out tonight? No.
Sorry.
Jersey off, Jersey off.
I can go out tomorrow night.
Jersey on, Jersey on! How about back here, rumble juice? Can we go somewhere else? This place has kind of a weird smell.
Yeah, I noticed that, too.
It's hopeless.
Coming here was the worst idea you've ever had.
He just posted again.
He's still here.
Coming here was the best idea you've ever had.
Where is he? I don't know, but we're in the background of his photo.
There he is.
He's leaving.
Mr.
Butkus, wait.
You're the kids who photo-bombed my picture.
Selfie fail.
Yeah, we are really sorry, Mr.
Butkus.
Hey, did you know your name in Korean is Dick eongdeong ee-kus? Sir, would you mind signing this ball, please? Uh, sorry, kids.
I only do autographs when it's for a charity or a special cause.
Well, this is a special cause.
Tell him the special cause, Lindy.
It's for our dad.
He's special, 'cause He's injured, badly injured.
Yeah, and he's in a full body cast.
I put a few guys in casts in my day.
- How'd it happen? - Um It's a crazy story.
Tell him the crazy story, Logan.
You tell it best, Lindy.
Well, he was walking downstairs, when he heard a really weird noise.
A runaway snowmobile Which crashed into our house.
Did it hit him? - No.
- Yes.
Not exactly.
See, what happened was he Fell right through the stairs.
There was termite damage.
In the winter? In Chicago? They were winter-mites.
Wow, that's the craziest story I've ever heard.
I mean, you can't make that kinda stuff up.
No, you can't.
Anyway, you know what would really make him feel better? A signed ball from his boss' favorite football legend.
Who is also his favorite football legend.
Who is you, football legend Dick Butkus.
And your nails look great, by the way.
Um, so will you sign the ball now? No.
I'll go one better.
I'm comin' to your house tomorrow and personally signing the ball to your dad.
You could just do it now and save yourself the drive.
Gas ain't cheap.
It's not a problem.
I drive a hybrid, and I carpool everywhere.
So I'll see you tomorrow, but don't tell your dad.
Let's keep it a little surprise.
Is this modular seating unit taken? - Why are you dressed like that? - Like what? I looked fine this morning when I checked myself out in the street mirror.
That's jazz talk for window.
What are you talking about? Oh, sorry.
That's Delia talk for what are you talking about? Hey, guys, who wants pickled chicken feet? It's cock-a-doodle delish.
Thanks, but Gotta go.
What was that all about? Well, I figured if Alex liked quirky girls, I'd give myself a quirk-over so I could be quirky, like you.
First of all, you don't even like the guy.
And what do you mean, quirky like me? You've known me since I was eight years old.
Do you honestly think this is who I am? Judging from your slightly hostile tone, I'm gonna say no.
Oh, only slightly hostile.
I was going for "reality show housewife finds out she's kicked out of a party" hostile.
Come on, I didn't mean anything by it.
You're being overly sensitive.
Oh, only overly sensitive? I was going for "telenovela found out my boyfriend married my evil twin" sensitive.
Now that's quirky.
- So whose snowmobile's this? - The neighbor's.
He felt so bad when I told him about dad's "accident" that he lent it to us.
Did he know you were gonna crash it through a wall? He didn't ask.
Logan, how can you live with yourself, telling all of these lies? Now, can these drill holes pass off as termite damage? Tell me, what happens when Dick Butkus, one of the toughest men in NFL history finds out you've been lying to him? He won't.
We're gonna bandage someone from head to toe, so he'll never know who he's really talking to.
Where did you find a sucker to do that? Oh, this guy owes us for not telling anyone he lost an arm wrestling match to his six-year-old sister.
And for not telling anyone he cried after it happened.
And for not telling anyone he can't get to sleep unless there's circus music playing.
What a coincidence.
All of those same things have happ it's me, isn't it? Hmm, what should I get? Maybe I should just sit here looking pretty and wait for a boy to buy me a smoothie and validate me.
Hi.
Can I buy you a smoothie? Beat it.
Oh, or, maybe I should play with my hair for the hundredth time today.
I always forget how smooth it is.
Delia, your shady little plan isn't fooling me.
I know you got all glammed up just to mock me.
How's it feel now that the high heel's on the other foot? Joke's on you because you look amazing.
- You really do look amazing.
- What did I tell you? The point was not to look amazing.
- You're not getting this at all.
- Oh, I think I am.
You're trying to hurt my feelings because I hurt yours.
That's not true.
Okay, it's exactly true.
But here's the difference.
When I insulted you, it was an accident.
I just wanted a boy I didn't like to like me so I could tell him I didn't like him.
You went through a lot of trouble - specifically to make me feel bad.
- Clearly not enough trouble, because you don't seem to feel that bad, and now, you've somehow turned it around and used it against me.
Deels, you've known me since I was eight.
I would never intentionally hurt you.
I was trying to be like you.
Someone who doesn't care how weird they look or how odd they act.
You know, for a minute, you were actually doing really well.
I meant, you don't care what people think.
That's your thing.
I care too much what people think.
That's my thing.
Most importantly, I care about what you think.
I don't really care what you think.
Come here.
- Aww, that's so cute.
- Would you get out of here? Okay, everything looks great.
Garrett, thank you for volunteering.
You blackmailed me.
Garrett, Dick Butkus never met our dad.
You don't have to disguise your voice.
I'm not, this cast is just really tight in all the wrong places.
Hey, guys, I hope it's okay.
I brought my carpool buddy.
Hey, Dick, let's do this quick.
I still gotta hit the farmers market.
Your carpool buddy is Alshon Jeffery? Lucky.
Hey, I'm Dick Butkus.
He's the lucky one.
Oh, Alshon, watch the stairs.
- Termite damage.
- Termites? Really? In the winter? Hey, dad, look who's here.
NFL hall of famer Dick Butkus.
Came to sign your football.
Sorry about your accident.
By the way, you have two really wonderful children.
You should meet their friend Garrett.
He kicked the winning field goal for ditka high.
Ditka? They'll call a school anything these days.
What's with his voice? Uh, he broke a lot of things.
I was in a cast my rookie season.
Didn't change my voice.
I know you're really busy, and Alshon's got a lot of errands to run, so maybe just sign the football for him? Yeah, sure.
This termite damage looks like someone used a power drill.
Hey, Alshon, are you a wide receiver or a detective? Lindy, where are you? Who's that? That must be our - Butler.
- Neighbor.
- Neighbor.
- Butler.
Our Butler who is also our neighbor.
Dad, look who's here.
And also our dad.
Neighbor, Butler and dad.
I thought this was your dad.
No, I'm their dad.
I wanna know what's going on, and I wanna know now.
Dad! Amazing catch.
Please don't spike our dad.
And that's how we got here.
And that's why we're leaving.
Come on, Alshon.
Mr.
Butkus.
Please.
The ball? Oh, right.
The ball.
That was unnecessary.
You ruined the ball.
I didn't do it.
We just saw you.
I said I didn't do it! Garrett, I don't wanna pry, but why are you wearing that to our date? It's my lucky cast.
I was wearing it when I got to meet Dick Butkus and Alshon Jeffery, and now I'm here with you.
Okay.
And why are you talking like that? I'd rather not discuss it.
I'm ready for another sip now.
Can you please put my straw in my mouth hole? Megan? Megan?!