I Love Lucy (1951) s01e15 Episode Script

(knocking) Come in! Good morning, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Good morning, Miss Lewis.
Come in.
Oh, thank you.
How's everything down in your apartment? Oh, fine, fine.
Help yourself to a cup of coffee.
Oh, I'd like some.
It's chilly out.
Yes, it is.
(juicer whirring noisily) Mrs.
Ricardo.
Mrs.
Ricardo (loudly): Mrs.
Ricardo, could I speak Oh.
Could I speak to you for a minute? Oh, surely, what's on your mind? Well, I, um I wanted to ask you a big favor.
It's about a, hmm m- a-n.
M- a-n? Oh, a man.
Ooh, shh! Well, is it any special m-a-n? It's mister, um Ritter.
Mr.
Ritter, the grocery man? Oh, why, Miss Lewis, I believe you're blushing.
I know, I know.
Oh, oh, Mrs.
Ricardo, I don't mind telling you that as far as I'm concerned, Mr.
Ritter is the bee's knees.
(laughing) What's the matter? Oh, nothing.
It's just that I never expected you to think things like that.
Ooh, ooh, I do! Well, you know the old saying "Just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there's no fire in the furnace.
" Well, well, well, here this big romance is going on between you and Mr.
Ritter and I never knew about it.
There's somebody else that doesn't know about it.
Who? Mr.
Ritter.
Mr.
Ritter? To Mr.
Ritter, I'm just a box of groceries twice a week.
Oh well, why don't you do something about it? I'm going to, I'm going to.
I want to invite him to a little intimate supper for two in my apartment.
Oh.
Oh, but I need your help.
Oh, what do you want me to do, hold him for you? Oh, no, no, no! I want you to give him this.
It's oh, it's a little dirty.
I've been carrying it around for five years.
Five years? I've been carrying the blowtorch for Mr.
Ritter for five years.
Well, I better give this to him today.
Is breakfast ready? Oh, hello, Mrs.
Lewis.
Good morning, Mr.
Ricardo.
Good morning.
Oh, well I guess I'll be running along.
Toodle-oo! Good-bye, dear.
Toodle-oo.
What's on Grandma Lewis's mind? Listen, don't let Grandma Lewis fool you.
Yes, sir.
You never know what's in a box by the wrapper.
Well, really, I didn't even look at her wrapper.
I didn't mean that.
It's just an expression.
It means just because there isn't any fire on her roof that there is no snow in her furnace.
What? Sounded better when she said it.
Yeah.
Honestly, Ricky, it's the cutest thing.
Miss Lewis has a crush on Mr.
Ritter.
Mr.
Ritter? Yeah.
The grocery man? Yeah.
And she is so bashful that she doesn't want to ask him up to supper, so I'm going to give him the invitation for her.
Uh-huh.
Give it to me, nosy.
Nosy? What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
How many times have I told you not to get involved in other people's lives? But I'm just trying to help a sweet old lady.
They might even get married, and then they'll thank me.
Yeah, she'll thank you; he'll sue you.
Well, is that the way you feel about marriage? Oh, honey, of course not.
I think marriage is wonderful.
Why, I think marriage is the greatest thing there is in the whole world.
It's the only way to live.
But if the guy has been clever enough to escape it this long why louse him up now? What? Honey, I didn't mean I suppose you weren't clever enough.
Well Well, honey, now I mean, uh Well, I could have been clever enough, but you were so cute, I decided to play dumb.
Well, all right, then, it's all settled.
I'll give this invitation to Mr.
Ritter.
It's all settled; you'll do nothing of the kind.
What do you mean? Are you going to give that invitation back to Mrs.
Lewis or not? No! Lucy, if you're going to act like a child, I'm going to have to treat you like one.
Meaning what? Meaning I'll put you over my knees You wouldn't dare! Oh, I wouldn't? No, you wouldn't! Ricky, Ricky! Come here.
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky! Are you going to do what I say? Oh, yes! All right.
Oh, Ricky! (humming) (knocking at door) Oh, come in.
Oh, Mrs.
Ricardo! Hello, Miss Lewis.
I was just ironing the dress I'm going to wear tonight.
Yeah, well, that's what I came down to talk to you about.
This isn't really the one that I wanted to wear at all.
I wanted to wear my good one, but it's in my hope chest and the lock is rusted shut.
Oh.
Well, it really won't make any difference because I'm Oh, of course it doesn't.
Sit down, dear.
No, I don't think I care to sit down.
Well, let me show you, here.
Now, look, I thought that we'd eat by candlelight, because they say it makes you look younger.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Maybe I'll look like a girl of 50 again, huh? Oh, easily.
Oh, you're sweet, you're awfully sweet.
Look.
Elderberry wine- I made it myself.
It's been fermenting since I was 21 years old.
Twenty-one? Must have quite a tang by now.
I thought Mr.
Ritter and I could have a couple of belts before dinner.
Well, I don't think you're going to get much chance to serve it, Miss Lewis.
You see, I had a long talk with my husband (gasps) Oh, husband! That's the most beautiful word in the English language.
(knocking at door) MAN: Miss Lewis! Don't forget the invitation! I wanted to talk to you about that Pretty late today, and I'm awful sorry, but I want to tell you something.
The traffic has been something awful.
Oh, Mrs.
Ricardo, howdy, howdy! Awful cold out- it's awful cold, really.
How are you? Fine.
How are you? Me, I can't kick- rheumatism.
Get it? I don't know how I think of them.
Just like that, you know, comical.
Where is, uh, where is Miss Lewis? Well, she ought to be back in a minute.
Well, she can, uh She can pay me for these when I come the next time.
Okay.
Mr.
Ritter? Huh? Come here.
I have a secret to tell you.
Uh Someone around here is very fond of you.
No! Yes, a certain someone thinks that you're the bee's knees.
Well, hot diggity! You want to know something, Mrs.
Ricardo? What? I like you, too.
What? You're just my type, Red.
Oh, no, no, you don't understand.
Here, read this.
This will explain.
"Can you make it for dinner tonight, just the two of us?" Uh-oh.
"Will be waiting for you in my apartment.
" Can I make it? Say, speed's my middle name, Lucy.
Oh, now, now, stay away! I didn't write that note.
Miss Lewis did.
Miss Lewis? Aw, who are you joshing? No, really, look at the signature.
It says "Your secret lover.
" Secret lover? You don't have to keep anything secret from me, lover.
No! Miss Lewis! Miss Lewis! Now, listen, you're not fooling anybody.
She's not here, you said so yourself.
Don't try to fight this, Lucy.
It's bigger than both of us.
It is not! Miss Lewis, Miss Lewis, where are you? Miss Lewis! See, alone.
I tell you it's fate, really.
But she was here, honest.
Sure, she was, sure.
You know you're even cuter when you get shy like this.
Mr.
Ritter! Don't worry about anything- your apartment, dinner, tonight, sure.
I'm afraid I can't make it till about half past 7:00.
Mr.
Ritter! Oh, honey, I got to keep the store open till 7:00, honest.
Mr.
Ritter! (doorbell buzzing) Oh, Miss Lewis, where have you been? I've been calling you for hours.
Oh, Mrs.
Ricardo, I just lost control of myself.
When I found out that Mr.
Ritter thought you were inviting him to dinner, I got hysterical and started running.
Ran eight laps around the park.
Passed lots of horses.
Oh I'm pooped.
Well, you certainly got me in a fine mess.
Your secret lover is coming here for dinner at 7:30 and my husband is due home at the same time.
Oh well, why don't you call him and tell him your husband's going to be here? I did- he was delighted.
He wants to tell Ricky that we love each other and that he should start getting a divorce right away.
Oh oh, I wish there was some way I could help.
There is.
What? You stay on those stairs tonight and don't let Mr.
Ritter get into this apartment.
You get him into your apartment.
How? I don't know how you're going to do it, but you do it.
Mrs.
Ricardo? What? Would you teach me how to attract the opposite sex? Well, all right.
Stand up, let's have a look at you.
(groans) Well um, let's see you walk back and forth and swing your hips.
Swing my hips? Yes.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
All that will get you is a Boy Scout to help you across the street.
Look, now, watch me.
You just shift them gently.
Shift, shift, shift shift, shift Shift them? That's easy for you.
I've got a rusty transmission.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
Maybe we could try a "come hither" look.
Yeah.
Miss Lewis, what's the matter? Are you all right? What's the matter? There's nothing the matter.
That's my "come hither" look.
Oh.
Oh, no, dear, try something like this.
Oh, dear.
(phone rings) Oh, excuse me.
Hello.
Yes, dear? It's Ricky.
Honey, I won't be home tonight for dinner.
LUCY: Oh? No, I have to stay in town.
Jerry and I are going to talk some business.
Oh, well, all right, dear.
Don't be too lonesome.
Oh, no, no, I won't.
Good-bye.
Ricky isn't coming home to dinner.
You know, I just think I might keep that date with Mr.
Ritter tonight.
That's not fair.
He's mine.
Oh, you don't understand, dear.
I'm going to get him up here and disappoint him so completely that he wouldn't have me on a silver platter.
Then the road will be nice and clear for you.
Oh, oh, fine, fine.
Let's see now, how can I disappoint Mr.
Ritter? What do you know about him? Well, we had a long conversation once over the pickle barrel.
That sort of raised my hopes.
Um he can't stand children.
And he likes a tidy appearance, and he demands immaculate housekeeping.
He likes good cooking Hold it, hold it.
I think I can change Mr.
Ritter's heartthrob to heartburn in one sitting.
(doorbell buzzing) Well, Mr.
Ritter! How are you tonight? You ask that at a time like this? Oh, for me? Uh-huh, the whole bag.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, gumdrops! Thank you.
Can I take your coat off? Please.
There we are.
Hat? Oh.
Just a minute.
What's that? Oh! Well, sit down; dinner's almost ready.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm very anxious for you to sample my cooking.
So am I.
Oh! Oh! Pardon me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
There we are.
Well, I hope you like tomato juice.
Oh, I do, I like it very much.
Yeah, this, huh? Yeah.
This is our special every Thursday down at my store.
Oh, is that so? Yeah, yes.
Well, the same brand it is, yes, sure.
Is that so? Well, here's uh, what is it now? Here's mud in your eye.
Oh! Of course, it ain't mud; it's really tomato juice.
Yeah.
You know, I put the tiniest dash of Tabasco in this.
Inside? Yeah.
Yes, it helps, you know, everything, you know Just right, huh? Oh, fine (gasps) (coughing) Want some more? No, something to chew on, like a piece of bread.
Oh, I have some nice, fluffy biscuits.
Oh, I'm crazy about Hurry, will you, hurry! Oh! Well, a little dirt never hurt anybody.
No, really, I don't think I care for biscuits.
Oh, no? No.
Well, I hope you like soup.
That's what's coming up next.
Soup, yes.
Soothing soup.
Yeah, hot.
There you are.
Mmm (cans clank) Mine's too hot.
It's always too hot for me.
(slurping) (continues slurping) Want some more? I'm not really much of a soup eater.
You're not? Why not? A throat condition.
Oh.
You know, you have a very finicky appetite.
No, I'm pretty rugged as a rule, pretty rugged.
You like roast turkey with sage dressing? I love it, yes- dark meat, you know.
Nice and juicy, huh? Well, we're not having that tonight.
How about pot roast and Oh, with the pancake, huh? Potato pancakes, apple sauce.
Oh, my.
I had a banquet once We're not having that tonight either.
We're having steak.
Steak? Yeah.
Oh, steak.
Yeah.
Oh, haven't had it for months.
We have them down at my store, but I can't afford to buy them.
Well, here we are, nice, sizzling steak.
Hang on to this, will you? Oh, I don't think Oh, go ahead, I won't hurt you.
Come on, hang on.
Attaboy.
There we are.
Oop! Sorry, I lose more friends that way.
Well, here we are.
(sneezes) Gesundheit.
Lucy? Yeah? You know something? What? I'm not hungry.
You're not? I'm not hungry.
You don't like my cooking.
No You're disappointed in me.
You're going away and you're never coming back.
I am not! Lucy, I'll never leave you, never.
You won't? What's food compared to the fundamental principles? We love each other; that's all that counts.
Now, I'm going to do all the cooking until you learn how.
The important thing is Quiet, you're waking the children.
Don't stop me.
The important thing is The what? The children.
You haven't any children.
Oh, yes, I have.
You never told me.
I've never seen one I keep them hidden.
They don't like kids in this apartment house.
You mean to tell me that you're the mother of these lollipop-eating, sticky-fingered, candy-stealing That's right, and if you're not going to eat your dinner, I'm going to have to give it to the kids.
I can't eat that.
All right, children, come and get it! Come and get it! Oh, oh, oh, Mr.
Ricardo? Yes, Miss Lewis? Mr.
Ricardo, could I see you for a minute? Why, sure, Miss Lewis.
Yes, yes, it's, um Oh, it's a nice evening, isn't it? Yes, lovely, if you like it below zero.
Oh, below zero.
Well, um uh is Miss Lewis, if there's nothing else on your mind, I'm anxious to get upstairs.
Oh Miss Lewis, are you having an attack? Razz-a-matazz.
Razz-a razz-a-matazz I'll see you later.
No, no, no! You can't go up there until Mr.
Ritter leaves.
What?! Did Lucy give him that invitation? Oh Yes, poor dear, and he thought it was from her, and now he wants to marry her.
He wants to She's she's she's upstairs now trying to discourage him.
She is? Oh, this is great, this is wonderful.
I'll see you later, good-bye.
Oh, Mr.
Ricardo Yes, yes, dear? You're the first man I ever flirted with, and do you want to know something? What? I like it.
Well, I think you're very cute.
I'll see you later.
(Ricky laughing) Twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four Twenty-four and a half.
You know, Lucy, that's an awful lot of children.
Six of them are missing.
Missing? Yeah.
Well, now you know.
Go ahead and leave me.
I wouldn't blame you.
Lucy, you know that I hate kids.
Yeah? I can't stand bad housekeeping Yeah.
and sloppy food.
Yeah.
But when a guy has got a chickadee like you nothing else really matters.
Come to me, baby! No, now, Mr.
Ritter! Hi, Lucy.
Hello, Mr.
Ritter.
What's new? What's new?! Mr.
Ricardo, there's something you ought to know.
Your wife and I love each other.
No! No, Ricky, let me explain.
Well, honey, there's nothing to explain.
I've been expecting this for some time.
You been "specting" what? Well, I can't possibly hope to keep such a glorious hunk of stuff like you all to myself forever.
Of course not.
I pass her on to you.
And you pass her into waiting hands.
Wait a minute.
Can the football say something? Mr.
Ritter, please be good to her.
She'll make a wonderful wife.
Ricardo, you're a good scout.
I'm going to send you a whole case of lima beans.
And don't you worry about Lucy, and don't you worry about those children.
What children? Say, you really hid those kids, didn't you? Now, Ricky, listen Honey, please, please don't say another word.
Just stand there like you are.
I want to remember you like this forever.
Good-bye- I'll pack my things.
Ricky! Don't worry about him, don't- you got me.
Oh, wait a minute, leave me alone! At last, at last you're altogether mine.
Mr.
Ritter! What's the matter? What's the matter with you? Lover boy! (screams) WGBH access.
wgbh.
org We'd like to give our special thanks to Mr.
Edward Everett Horton for appearing with us tonight.
The part of Miss Lewis was played by Bea Benaderet.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.