iCarly s01e15 Episode Script

Hey, what's that? Lunch.
Low fat cheese in a can? This is what your mom gave you for lunch? Hey, I'm just happy she woke up before noon.
Hello, ladies, or should I say, "Lady and Sam?" Hey.
You can have this back when you learn to handle Squirtable cheese responsibly.
Hi, Lisa.
Hi, Freddie.
Who's that? Ms.
Gatlin.
She told our class that if everybody got a's on our quiz, She'd dress up like a chicken for the whole day Impressive costume.
Yeah, that's the best Ms.
Gatlin's looked in three years.
Hey, Freddie, thanks for letting me borrow your notes.
Hey, anything to get a teacher in a chicken suit.
Yeah, what's better than that? Maybe a chicken in a teacher suit.
Awesome, he'd be all Do your homework.
You make funny chicken noises.
Thanks.
All right.
Well, I gotta go give a nerd a wedgie.
Late.
Hey, who is he? Jonah.
A guy in my French class.
Freddie, go to your locker.
Why? I don't need to go - Go to your locker.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
You love Jonah.
Kinda, he's so cool.
Then you should ask him to hang out.
Nah, a guy like that won't wanna hang out with me.
Why not? He makes chicken noises and bothers other children.
He's perfect for you.
Forget it.
I gotta go squirt cheese down Gibby's pants before class.
Hey, Gibby, don't you run, Gibby.
Gibby.
Open your mouth.
I can't do that.
Come on, Gibby Freddie, do you believe in love at first sight? Yes, I do.
I always did.
I mean Sam likes your friend, Jonah.
Oh.
Tell Jonah to ask Sam out.
No.
Jonah never did anything bad to me.
Come on.
Sam doesn't like many guys.
No.
Please, for me? Don't do that.
What? You think whenever you say, "Please, for me?" That I'll just do anything you want.
Well, not this time.
Please, for me? Okay.
In five, four, three, two.
I know you see Somehow the world will change for me And be so wonderful Live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there And feel so wonderful It's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel So, wake up the members of my nation It's your time to be There's no chance unless you take one And the time to see The brighter side of every situation Some things are meant to be So give me your best shot Leave the rest to me Leave it all to me Leave it all to me Just leave it all to me iCarly S01E15 iHate Sam's Boyfriend Hey, Jonah.
Hey, what's up? You remember that girl that was with me when you gave me back my notes? Yeah, she seems cool.
Cute too.
I'm talkin' about the blonde one.
Yeah, I know.
Her name's Sam, right? Right.
So, I hear she kind of likes you.
Does she? Tell me about her.
Sure.
Well, she's got really great teeth.
That's great, but what's she like? Well, she's, like, she's really nice, cool, and pleasant to be around.
Man, are you okay? You look kind of sick.
Yeah.
So, why don't you ask Sam out? Okay, I will.
Thanks for hooking me up.
I'm talkin' about the blonde one.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, little buddy.
Now, I know you don't want a fat neck, do you? No, of course you don't.
I'll just mold it down a little and it'll be nice and slender.
Okay, okay.
I know.
He probably had a fever and didn't know what he was saying.
Will you stop and just be happy that Jonah asked you out? But why would he ask me out? Why wouldn't he? Well, you know.
Some boys find me kind of abrasive.
No.
It's true.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Oh.
You made me slice the head off my space hamster.
Space hamster? I thought our government cancelled the Space Hamster Program.
That's a clay hamster.
Clay space hamster, which I'm sculpting for my movie.
You're making a movie? Yeah.
The seattle arts council is having a short film contest, so I'm using my sculpting skills to do a little claymation.
What's claymation? See, if I were made of clay and you take a video camera and shot one frame of me like this, and one frame like this, and then one like this, Then one like this, and then one like this, and then you played it all back, it'd look like this.
So, what's your movie about? Well, it's about an alien with five arms that buddies up with a space hamster, and they travel across the universe in search of the ultimate burrito.
Oh, it's Jonah.
Shh.
I wasn't even talking.
What's up? Sure, cool.
He wants to take me to a movie tonight.
You said you had a ton of homework.
I didn't say I was gonna do it.
Hey, how was French class? Terrible.
I got a b plus on a test.
A b plus? That's not part of the Freddie Benson master plan.
Yeah, well, 'cause Jonah was sitting right next to me Text messaging sam the whole time.
You know, they spent, like, every second together for the past three days? Yeah, they're like a total couple.
I know.
It's disgusting.
It's not disgusting.
It's nice.
Hey, we were just talking about you.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Shh, Jonah just texted me.
The back of your head is totally cute.
Aw, he's thinking about the back of my head.
Not just thinking about it.
I'm looking at it.
Hey, I missed you.
I missed you too.
Want to go get some lunch? Sure, as long as you promise not to sniff the fruit salad.
Sniff the fruit salad? We were at the Groovy Smoothie yesterday.
We saw this dude.
Oh, you had to be there.
Come on, let's go.
Okay.
- The fruit.
- And we sniffed it.
And the grape.
You had to be there.
Oh, give her a break.
And be happy for Sam.
She hasn't had a boyfriend since fifth grade When frankie murkin rudely dumped her.
She broke Frankie's leg.
Yes, and then he rudely dumped her.
- Your tea.
- Thanks.
Okay, we only have half of the next "iCarly" planned out, so let's figure out What else we're gonna do.
Sam, where's the list of "iCarly" Ideas? Sam? This is a drawing of you and Jonah In a big heart surrounded by smaller hearts.
Oh, give me that.
Okay.
We were talking about doin' either the bit with the giant fan That blows stuff or the wedgie-bounce.
I don't know.
The wedgie-bounce thing kind of scares me, you know? Sam, what do you think? - Sam.
- Shh.
Okay, this is getting annoying.
How are we gonna rehearse if she won't quit texting Jonah.
Maybe like this? Hi, I'm Carly, and I'm Sam.
And this is a new bit we like to call, "Obsessively texting your boyfriend.
" Hey, your hair looks pretty.
Adjust.
Shoot, print.
Adjust.
Shoot, print.
Sports drink.
What's he doin'? He's making a claymation movie.
Oh, cool.
Is that a hamster wearing a space helmet? Don't touch my movie.
It's all very precise.
If you move or change one little thing, I got to start all over again.
How much have you done? Fifteen more shots, I'll have the first two seconds finished.
Two seconds? How long's the whole movie? Ten minutes, which means I got about 14,367 shots to go.
Shoot, print.
Hey, where are you going? Jonah's at the Groovy Smoothie.
Gotta go meet him there.
Wait.
But we're supposed to What's her deal? Sam has a new boyfriend and he's all she thinks about.
Ah, the honeymoon phase.
What do you mean? Well, when someone's in a new relationship, It's like they're blind to everything else but that other person.
Like when I started dating that girl,Jennifer, I had a bad case of poison ivy for two whole weeks.
I didn't even know.
What made you finally notice? Well, it spread to places.
Where? Oh.
Yeah.
Where is she? Rehearsal was supposed to start a half-hour ago.
I'm calling her.
Put it on speaker.
I want a piece of this.
Hey, you got my voicemail.
I'm here with the awesomest guy ever.
And I'm here with the cutest girl ever.
Oh, baby.
We're gonna be at the water park all afternoon.
So, don't bug us.
And don't sniff the fruit salad.
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.
Can you believe her? She blew off "iCarly" Rehearsal So she could go play with Jonah? Well, I know how we could get back at her.
Huh? You and I should start dating.
That way Freddie.
I know.
Sam.
I didn't do it.
Oh, it's just you.
Yeah.
It's just me.
The girl from iCarly who showed up at rehearsal yesterday.
I was with Jonah.
Yeah.
We need to talk about this.
Okay.
Let's talk.
I'm really happy that you're going out with Jonah But It's me.
Isn't that cute? Jonah recorded it to play every time he texts me.
It's adorable and I thought we were talking.
We are.
Sorry.
I was saying, I think it's great that It's me.
Look, I'm really glad you're all happy And have a boyfriend and everything, But iCarly Is important to me and Freddie.
It's important to me too.
Then start acting like it.
It's me.
If you try to open the locker, I will bite your hand off.
Listen, I'm sorry I missed rehearsal, it's just Jonah makes me so happy and, you know, I haven't had a boyfriend Since Frankie Murkin fell out of that tree and broke his leg.
Yeah.
"Fell.
" Fell, was pushed.
The point is I've been single a long time.
It's me.
Be at rehearsal on time today and be focused on us.
Okay.
I'll be there.
Promise.
Hug? I will hug you when I see you at rehearsal.
Deal.
It's me.
It's me.
Carly, wait, my phone.
I got it.
Okay.
Let's make sure this baby works.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Okay, it works.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Say you're sorry to my hair.
Hey, you're here.
And she brought Jonah.
What's up, player? Carly.
Uh, listen.
iCarly rehearsals are kinda private so Oh, no worries.
He's just gonna sit over there and look cute While we do our stuff.
You won't even know I'm here.
Okay.
Let's rehearse the wig bit.
Oh, I love the wig bit.
Okay.
Rehearsing in five, four, Three, two Hi, I'm Carly.
I live with my brother Spencer, I do my homework, and I shower every day.
Good one.
I'm Sam.
I do bad things, harass people, And eat everything that doesn't eat me first.
Okay, good stuff.
You guys wanna try the fan bit next? Sure.
Yeah, the fan bit.
Uh, here's the thing.
Jonah doesn't think it's funny.
It seems kinda lame to me.
Okay.
Well, then maybe we should talk about A new "Messin' with Lewbert.
" The guy in your lobby with the big wart on his face? Yeah.
You know what you guys should call that dude? "Captain wart burger.
" That's gold, baby.
Captain wart burger? No, you gotta say it like Jonah did.
Yeah.
And Carly, when you're doing the wig bit, You gotta act more like Sam.
Weird.
I thought I was acting like sam.
Have you ever thought taking acting lessons? I can't believe it, "You won't even know I'm here.
" He was totally bossing us around Sam was encouraging him.
Shh.
They're right behind us.
Oh, they won't hear me.
They're too busy giggling about captain wart burger.
Yeah.
You could be all, "Hello there, "Captain wart burger.
"Would you like a side of wart fries?" I need a snack.
Fruit kebab? Sure.
Hey, what's going on over here? Oh, Carly's brother is making a movie.
Check out this dude.
No, don't touch that.
Okay.
Mr.
Space hamster, we're oh my god.
My movie is ruined.
I have to start all over again and my deadline's in less than 24 hours.
Ha, ha, look, its arm came off.
Ha, ha, yeah.
Why don't you stay for dinner and rip my heart out? Dude, don't cry about it.
I'm out.
Text you later.
Kick it! Aw, how cute is he? Yeah.
Hey, you wanted talk to me, Carly-o? No need to add the "O," Just sit down.
Sure.
Jonah, I wanna talk to you about Sam.
My lady.
Yes.
I'm really happy you guys are so into each other But I need Sam for the show.
So you can't keep distracting her And coming to rehearsals Sam hasn't complained about it.
Yeah.
'cause she's so into you, She can't think straight.
Oh.
You don't like me spending so much time with Sam.
No.
So maybe I should spend a little less time with Sam And a little more time with someone else.
What are you doing? Kiss me.
What? Sam doesn't have to know.
Ow, did you just thump me? How dare you try to kiss me when you're dating Sam? You're icky, and I'm telling Sam.
Whoa, whoa.
You don't wanna do that.
Oh, well, why not? 'cause think about how happy I make sam.
What kind of friend would you be If you ruined her first great relationship by rattin' me out? Carly, I got the hey, cupcake, What are you doing here? Carly asked me to come over.
Yeah.
To tell help me with my imitation of you For the wig bit.
I'm Sam.
I like to eat pork chops in bed.
That's exactly how I'd say that.
You're so helpful.
Yeah.
Hey, Spencer, how's the Carly, Freddie is here.
I'm freaking out, Freddie.
Freaking out.
Did you talk to Jonah? Yeah.
And he tried to kiss me.
He totally tried to kiss me.
No way.
Yeah.
You're sure Jonah tried to kiss you? Well, let's see.
He said, "Kiss me," Then puckered his lips.
So call me crazy, But I think the boy wanted some Carly kissin'.
That jerk.
No one tries to kiss my girl.
No one tries to kiss you.
So are you gonna tell Sam? I was gonna, but Jonah makes sam really happy And I don't want her to get hurt.
Yeah.
Hey, we should get upstairs.
iCarly starts in three minutes.
I am having a horrible time.
Hey, you were supposed to get me an iced tea.
Oh, yeah.
There wasn't any.
You guys ready? Ready.
Yup.
Sweetie, why don't you stand over there behind Freddie.
Whatevs.
Okay, girls.
iCarly starts in five, four, three, two Hey, welcome to iCarly.
Dot com.
And I hope you know what "Com" Stands for.
'cause we don't.
Hey, Sam, ever wonder what it'd be like If we were each other? Yeah.
But do you mind if we don't start off With the wig bit tonight? Uh, okay.
So what do you wanna do first? But we haven't tested it yet.
So, let's test it now.
But who are we gonna get to Okay, iCarly fans, we're gonna start off the night With a new bit starring my boyfriend, Jonah.
Woo.
Get up here, Jonah.
What am I doin'? Trust me, baby, This is gonna be awesome.
Yes, yes, it is.
Okay, Jonah, you stand right here.
Okay.
Next, I climb up and get the big red rope With the large hook.
Pretty cool.
Yeah.
And now, Sam hooks the rope onto the back Of Jonah's underwear.
My underwear? Just go with it, Jonah.
Relax, this is gonna be fun.
Okay, Freddie.
Is the button on sam's remote Ready to activate our special surprise? Yup.
Bottom button.
And now, iCarly Presents The wedgie-bounce.
The wedgie-bounce? Wait, wait, wait.
Guys, I didn't It begins! Sam, this feels weird.
Sam.
This is so invasive.
So you found out.
I heard you and Freddie talking.
I'm really sorry.
Why are you sorry? 'cause I know he made you all happy And stuff.
Come on.
Pork chops make me happy And they don't try to kiss my best friend.
It's cool, I'm all right.
Good.
But now I kinda want a pork chop.
I know, right? So when are we gonna get to see Spencer's movie? Right now.
I just finished burning the DVD.
So how'd you finish it early? Oh, just watch it.
I am a space hamster.
Burritos are food.
Er.
That was it? Well, it would've been longer if Jonah hadn't ruined everything And made me start over.
Don't worry, Sam took care of Jonah on iCarly tonight.
What do you mean? Come look.
Guys, come on, seriously.
This is so uncool.
You wedgie-bounced him? Are stille-bounced him? This is happening live.
Sam.
This has been going on for two hours.
My underwear, It's hurting me.
Hi, Carly, Sam and Freddie.
I'm Lily.
I'm twelve years' old and I'm from California.
I love your show, you guys.
Bye.