Kath & Kim (2008) s01e15 Episode Script
Desire
Is the water too hot? I don't know where you end and the hot begins.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, PhiI, this is heaven.
Heaven must be missing a hot tub.
(GIGGLING) So romantic.
A whoIe pIace to ourseIves.
TiII 1 1 :00.
Just don't be upset right now, Kim, pIease.
(SIGHS) I'm going in.
Your mom said you weren't aIIowed to come home untiI 1 1 :00.
Since when do I ever do what my mom says? When? Kim, we were having a nice time, Kim.
I took you out to a nice dinner at Maggiano's.
I bought you your own dessert.
And just because I'm not going to give you money to throw some stupid Iingerie party, you're going to ruin a great night.
It's not a stupid Iingerie party.
You're stupid.
I toId you to stop saying I was stupid, Kim.
(SIGHS) WeII, then, stop being against Iingerie.
Do you know I am this cIose to being a super successfuI entrepreneur? AII I need is the deposit money for some inventory and some snack foods.
I'm not doing it, Kim.
It's Iike that time I gave you 300 bucks to start that at-home Botox business.
That was a good idea.
I don't care what you or the idiot government says.
ButthoIe.
Oh, Kim.
ButthoIe? Oh, 1991 caIIed, Kim! It wants that insuIt back! (CHATTERING ON TV) What are you doing here? You weren't supposed to be home untiI 1 1 :00.
WeII, it's not my fauIt, it's Craig's.
This is my very much-needed, sexy, aIone time with PhiI.
Who eats dinner in a robe, anyway? I wasn't wearing a robe.
Ew! You two are so gross.
Yeah, weII, you wouIdn't have to see us being gross if you came home at 1 1 :00.
(SIGHS) Where am I supposed to go? Oh, Kim, aII right, just sit here and be quiet and Iet us finish our dinner, pIease.
Everything okay? Yes, it's fine.
Let's just get on with our night.
(TV VOLUME INCREASES) Can you Iower the TV, pIease, Kim? You want another hit of piIaf? Oh, I'd Iove some.
(DOORBELL RINGING) I'm just going to ignore that.
I'm sure Kim wiII get it.
Now, what is in this? Is it aImond sIivers? Pecans? I'm stumped.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Get the door, Kim.
You know it's Craig.
AImonds, pecans.
Like a ménage à trois in your mouth.
Mmm.
KIM: (GROANS) Excusez-moi! Who do you think you are? CRAIG: A guy who spent a buttIoad You know, I make aII kinds of piIaf.
I once made one with nuts and Craisins.
WeII, whiIe we're on the subject, you are driving me nuts.
And I'd Iike to peeI off that robe.
Mmm, wouId you? CRAIG: Stupid.
KIM: Oh, good, I'm gIad! CRAIG: I want my I'II be right back.
CRAIG: Don't touch me, copier woman.
What is going on out here? She's mad at me because I won't give her money to have a Iingerie party.
You're stupid! I didn't even say stupid that time.
Yeah, right.
AII right, Vivian, everything's fine here.
You can keep on waIking.
Just admit it, Kim.
You don't Iike me.
We don't even have sex.
Yeah, that's 'cause you're so in Iove with your stupid dog.
Why don't you just have sex with her? Okay, nobody is having sex with a dog here, in case anybody's wondering.
Keep on waIking.
Keep it going.
Kim, get in the house! Get in! Go! ASAP! How are you tonight, Linda? How do you think I'm doing with aII this discombobuIation? WeII, you can go back to watching your programs 'cause everything is combobuIated.
Thank you.
Craig, I cannot have you coming to my house and making a scene.
We are not those kind of peopIe.
(VIVIAN SCOFFS) I bought her, her own dessert.
Yeah, weII, I herniated my peIvis giving birth to her, and she won't even stay out tiII 1 1 :00! (SIGHS) Can I just taIk to her for three minutes? No, Craig.
This is so I spent Iike $48.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
PhiI, I wiII bet you doIIars to donuts the whoIe neighborhood's abuzz about the scene that Kim caused Iast night.
Hi, Linda.
HeIIo, Kath.
Did you see that? (GROANS) It'II be fine.
I reaIIy thought that Kim wouId have gone back to Craig by now.
You know, maybe she's reaIIy serious.
Maybe she reaIIy doesn't want to be married to Craig.
(SIGHS) What is she going to do with her Iife? Hey, maybe a IittIe froIic in the Jacuzzi wiII take your mind off things, huh? No, PhiI, sexuaI heaIing is not going to do it for me now.
Kim has just got me in a tizzy.
I mean, what is she going to do aII day? She's certainIy not workforce materiaI.
We've been down that road before, and it did not end weII.
I wish there was something I couId do to heIp.
Oh, PhiI, you're the best.
So successfuI and strong.
Sex appeaI up the wazoo.
If Craig were more Iike you, Kim never wouId have Ieft him.
Yeah, I Iike the kid, but he's a bit of a train wreck, huh? Hey, maybe you couId give him some tips! WeII, I don't normaIIy give out the secret recipe to PhiI.
But for you, anything.
ReaIIy? You can thank me with a IittIe Kath-ternoon deIight.
Mmm, don't mind if I do.
Come on, give me some.
Hey, Craig.
Oh, hey, PhiI.
Hi.
You got a minute? We need to taIk.
Yeah.
Hey, man, I'm sorry about Iast night.
Your date night reaIIy bIew.
But so did mine, though, so Listen, I think I may have figured out a way to get you and Kim back together.
(SCOFFS) Nice.
WeII, I reaIIy appreciate it, P, but unIess you can turn me into, Iike, a miIIion doIIars or a bottomIess bag of Doritos, I don't think that's going to happen, bro.
Okay, you see, it's that type of ''can't do'' attitude that I reaIIy think is the probIem here.
Yeah, weII, Bakers aren't reaIIy a ''can do'' type of peopIe.
WeII, Iisten, come by the IsIand tomorrow.
I'd say today, but I'm getting in a big Ioad of mayonnaise, and it's going to be an aII-nighter.
Yeah.
AII right, you need any heIp with that or Oh, no, thanks.
This is something I need to do aIone.
Good Iuck, man.
KATH.
.
I gave up my Iife for Kim.
I gave her everything she wanted, never set any Iimits.
I just don't know where I went wrong.
Even if Kim has a PhiI of her own, she won't be fuII-PhiIIed.
(EXCLAIMS) That's a good one, Kath! She needs a passion, something to make her feeI good about herseIf.
HeIIo, Kimmy.
What's with the happy 'tude aII of a sudden? WeII, I have a great idea, which invoIves you having your Iingerie party.
What? Yes! WeII, I went to the maII and I saw these very styIish women wearing Iingerie.
So, of course I foIIow them, and I go up to one of the gaIs.
She teIIs me that Iingerie is very in.
And I thought, ''Oh, good.
WeII, for once Kim isn't taIking out of her pooper.
'' Thank you.
And I reaIIy think that it couId be good for you and Craig.
You know, you might not be so hard on your marriage vis-à-vis Craig if you had your own interests, Kimmy.
I mean, Iook at me.
I have my saIon and my crafts and my work as a notary so that I don't have to make PhiI the be aII and the end aII.
Even though he is.
Okay, am I having my party or what? Yes! I did the math, and with the deposit for the inventory and the snacks, pIus accidentaIs, it comes out to about $400.
Okay, great.
Let's get going.
Are you going to taIk aII day? I mean, 'cause we got stuff to do.
Kim, do you reaIIy think this is appropriate? I mean, it's a famiIy pooI.
Okay, I'm sorry.
It's high fashion.
It's Iike something Kate Moss had on.
Yeah, weII, you got a IittIe Kate Moss showing right there.
So you went with PhiI's AIoha.
Yeah, the ham and pineappIe cIub? Genius, bro.
SeriousIy, there is nothing about this I don't Iike.
Thank you.
I'm reaIIy proud of the work I'm doing here.
Awesome.
Craig, I'm not going to Iie to you.
I wasn't aIways the man you see today.
What man were you? I was a 400-pound, sad, IoneIy, Ioser man, Craig.
That's right.
Kim aIways taIks about that.
You were Iike crazy fat.
Four hundred pounds.
Yeah.
That's Iike a car.
It's Iike a goIf cart.
I bet you couId do a mean cannonbaII back in the day.
I once dispIaced two feet of water out of a pooI at a chiId's birthday party.
What did the chiId do, Iike, freak out? Yeah.
I wouId.
But Iook at me now.
I mean, I got a foxy fiancée.
I got a thriving business.
Very interesting.
And dynamic sex.
On a reguIar basis.
I'm on top of the worId.
You know why? No.
I worked on myseIf.
I changed on the outside, which is reaIIy the onIy type of change that matters.
I mean, peopIe are going to teII you different.
It's a Iie.
Yeah, but I don't think I shouId Iose 200 pounds, though.
I mean, I couId, but I feeI Iike I wouId Yeah, I wouId weigh negative pounds if I did that.
Craig, do you want to get Kim back? Yes.
I Iove her.
I mean, I hate myseIf for it, but I do.
Then you got to do something.
You don't have to Iose the weight, but you got to Iose those hip-hop type jeans.
Women Iove men in dressy sIacks.
And man jeweIry.
ReaIIy? That's the PhiI guarantee.
AII right, cooI.
Let's do it.
Yeah? AII right, we got to work fast.
I just got in a shipment of peppered meats.
My day is going to be a bear.
Sweet.
Kim, I don't know why you need my heIp to get this stuff for the party.
'Cause I want to spend time with you.
Aw.
ReaIIy? I'm so touched.
Not! Do you want to modeI at the party? ReaIIy? Oh, gosh.
Do you think I couId? AII right, sure! Why not? I'II give it a whirI.
(LAUGHS) Cute.
Jeez, I never thought of myseIf as a modeI before.
That's very fIattering.
You know, Kim, we reaIIy shouId invite the neighbors to the party, too.
With aII the troubIe of Iate, it wouId be a very nice way to extend the onion branch.
Hmm, whatev.
KATH.
.
You are a genius, Kath Day.
This is going to be so great for Kimmy.
(EXCLAIMS) I Iove this song.
Okay, you run in.
I'II wait in the car.
Kim.
What? I'II go in the next time.
I'm organizing this whoIe thing, and that is a Iot.
AII right, fine.
I'm going to be right back.
(THAT'S THE WAY, I LIKE I PLAYING) Here I am.
I got the goods.
Pwease? Forgot those.
(EXCLAIMS) Ice cream cone for you.
Mmm, Mom.
Put this down here.
Mom, Iook.
Here we go.
Oh, pIease.
KATH.
.
She's just tired from aII the organizing.
Baby steps, that's aII it is.
Can I have some more of that bubbIy? Of course, Linda.
Fun party.
Yes.
Craig Iooks fantastic? ReaIIy? Oh, jeez, Kim's going to be so excited.
(SIGHS) Everything is just coming together.
KIM: Come on, Mom, Iet's go.
Okay, Iisten, I have to go.
I'II see you Iater.
I have to go do my modeIing now.
(LAUGHING) Testing, one, two, three.
Testing, one, two, three.
Thank you aII for coming today.
The show is about to begin.
(WOMEN CHEERING) WOMAN 1 : Like that.
Our first modeI is the IoveIy Kim.
WOMAN 2: AII right! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL CHEERING) Spread it, girI! For those nights when you're in the mood to be trashy and nasty and fiIthy dirty, the Pam Anderson.
The chicken cutIets are optionaI.
Tats avaiIabIe at Rite Aid.
Thank you, Kim-aIicious.
And now the IoveIy and taIented Kath.
This is the Sharon Stone.
WouId you Iike to puII up a chair and demonstrate? Sharon? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? Interrogate me.
Interrogate me.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Yeah, Mom! Baby bumps are aII the rage.
The fiIthy miIfy.
(WOMEN MOANING) Very cIassy.
Unique.
(EXCLAIMS) Here he is.
(SIGHS) Oh, Craig, you Iook Iike 100 bucks! Thank you.
I can't take my eyes off of you in that sexy Iingerie.
It's perfect to highIight your backyard.
(GROANS) You bet.
Okay, you reaIIy think I Iook good, Kath? Oh, Kim's going to Iove it.
PIus, she's in a great mood.
Okay, I'm going in.
Wish me Iuck, bro.
(EXCLAIMS) We hit rings.
Shoot.
Is yours okay? Yeah, it's fine.
Was that there when I That's the marbIing.
Oh, okay.
I'm good, then.
Excuse me.
I am Iooking for the foxy Iady who rocks my worId.
What? KimberIy Day, why don't you make today a very happy day and accompany me and you to our maritaI bed for some Iove making sexy time? Ew! Are you trying to be Iike PhiI? No, I'm acting Iike an attractive aduIt maIe.
That's Iame.
Kim.
WeII, it's true! I think he Iooks sharp.
Thank you.
(SNIFFING) Are you wearing perfume? No, it's That is nasty.
No, it is not perfume.
It's coIogne, Kim.
It's SaiIboat for men.
(SIGHS) It smeIIs Iike It Sucks for men.
WeII, that's reaI nice, Kim.
Kim.
I went to a Iot of troubIe, okay, to Iook this dorky and smeII this good for you.
Dude, I toId you she wouIdn't appreciate it, dude.
You ruined my Iingerie party! WeII, guess what? Lingerie is stupid! So, how about that? No! You're stupid! You're stupid! You are! You're stupid! KATH: Now, that's enough.
There.
How's that? CRAIG: Don't throw your You know how hard it is to waIk in these shoes? That is enough! What are those? Can you hoId that for a minute? KATH: You are out of controI, KimberIy! Cheese baII, Mom! Let me teII you something.
PhiI happens to be a very styIish guy! He can puII off a dressy sIack Iike a Iot of guys can't.
Oh, he's a dork! He is not! He is a wonderfuI person, and he has changed my Iife.
And I thought that if Craig was a IittIe more Iike PhiI, that you'd be happy, too.
You thought if Craig was more Iike PhiI that I'd be happy? We are not the same, Mom! Fine.
Hon, you don't want to be with Craig, don't be with Craig.
But you can stiII pursue your dream career in Iingerie.
Yeah, I don't think so.
It's too much work.
What? (GROANS) I have reaIIy been kidding myseIf.
Here I have been running around trying to heIp you, Kim, because I thought that maybe, for once, you couId make something of something.
Everybody has.
Kim, everybody's been bending over backwards trying to accommodate you, but nothing works.
You don't Iike PhiI.
You don't want to be with Craig.
What do you want, Kim, huh? What? I don't know.
Wacko! You peopIe Iike a commotion.
Oh, jeez.
WeII, another 400 bucks down the drain.
Can we go to AppIebee's for dinner? Ooh, chocoIate voIcano cake with extra Iava! You know, Kim, sometimes I think you are too spoiIed.
Don't be ridic.
Can you bring me another root beer fIoat? AII this chocoIate's making me thirsty.
Thanks.
Ice cream? I don't want ice cream! Why do I have to have ice cream! Brat, much? You see, now, that mother is Ietting that IittIe girI waIk aII over her.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Mmm.
The IittIe girI's the one in charge.
She's controIIing the mother.
Can you imagine? Mmm.
Bro, she totaIIy aImost took my eye out with her fake boob, man.
Wow.
TechnoIogy.
I remember when these were just wadded up tissue papers.
WeII, I guess I won't be needing this man jeweIry anymore.
HoId on.
I want you to keep that.
Dude, reaIIy? Yeah.
Wow.
Thank you, man.
I'm so touched right now.
You ought to be.
That's genuine American Indian turquoise.
Wow! You've heard of the Arapaho? No, is that a band? It's a band of brothers.
BIood brothers.
Wow! Yeah.
(CLEARING THROAT) Want to hit a movie? No, I think I'm just going to go home and get drunk and break some stuff, man.
I understand.
I mean, it's not for me, but I understand.
But, I mean, thanks for everything.
You're weIcome.
Even though I think it, maybe, probabIy zero percent heIped, Iike, my situation with Kim, I think it at Ieast, Iike, Mmm-hmm.
Iike, as a guy.
Those are Iow numbers.
Yeah.
But I'm not done with you yet.
Hey, Iook, stars are just Iike us.
They fiII up their gas tank, they waIk their dog, and they pick up their dry-cIeaning.
(SCOFFS) You don't do any of those things.
That is so weird.
Lindsay Lohan has tons of freckIes in some pictures, and none in others.
It's caIIed airbrushing, Kim.
Get used to it.
You shouId get airbrushed.
You'd Iook great.
WeII, thank you very much.
Okay.
Who am I? ''The Iady who rocks my worId.
'' Oh, gosh.
I know, I have to admit it was very odd.
But Iet's face it, Craig is no PhiI.
(SIGHS) Uh, yeah.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, PhiI, this is heaven.
Heaven must be missing a hot tub.
(GIGGLING) So romantic.
A whoIe pIace to ourseIves.
TiII 1 1 :00.
Just don't be upset right now, Kim, pIease.
(SIGHS) I'm going in.
Your mom said you weren't aIIowed to come home untiI 1 1 :00.
Since when do I ever do what my mom says? When? Kim, we were having a nice time, Kim.
I took you out to a nice dinner at Maggiano's.
I bought you your own dessert.
And just because I'm not going to give you money to throw some stupid Iingerie party, you're going to ruin a great night.
It's not a stupid Iingerie party.
You're stupid.
I toId you to stop saying I was stupid, Kim.
(SIGHS) WeII, then, stop being against Iingerie.
Do you know I am this cIose to being a super successfuI entrepreneur? AII I need is the deposit money for some inventory and some snack foods.
I'm not doing it, Kim.
It's Iike that time I gave you 300 bucks to start that at-home Botox business.
That was a good idea.
I don't care what you or the idiot government says.
ButthoIe.
Oh, Kim.
ButthoIe? Oh, 1991 caIIed, Kim! It wants that insuIt back! (CHATTERING ON TV) What are you doing here? You weren't supposed to be home untiI 1 1 :00.
WeII, it's not my fauIt, it's Craig's.
This is my very much-needed, sexy, aIone time with PhiI.
Who eats dinner in a robe, anyway? I wasn't wearing a robe.
Ew! You two are so gross.
Yeah, weII, you wouIdn't have to see us being gross if you came home at 1 1 :00.
(SIGHS) Where am I supposed to go? Oh, Kim, aII right, just sit here and be quiet and Iet us finish our dinner, pIease.
Everything okay? Yes, it's fine.
Let's just get on with our night.
(TV VOLUME INCREASES) Can you Iower the TV, pIease, Kim? You want another hit of piIaf? Oh, I'd Iove some.
(DOORBELL RINGING) I'm just going to ignore that.
I'm sure Kim wiII get it.
Now, what is in this? Is it aImond sIivers? Pecans? I'm stumped.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Get the door, Kim.
You know it's Craig.
AImonds, pecans.
Like a ménage à trois in your mouth.
Mmm.
KIM: (GROANS) Excusez-moi! Who do you think you are? CRAIG: A guy who spent a buttIoad You know, I make aII kinds of piIaf.
I once made one with nuts and Craisins.
WeII, whiIe we're on the subject, you are driving me nuts.
And I'd Iike to peeI off that robe.
Mmm, wouId you? CRAIG: Stupid.
KIM: Oh, good, I'm gIad! CRAIG: I want my I'II be right back.
CRAIG: Don't touch me, copier woman.
What is going on out here? She's mad at me because I won't give her money to have a Iingerie party.
You're stupid! I didn't even say stupid that time.
Yeah, right.
AII right, Vivian, everything's fine here.
You can keep on waIking.
Just admit it, Kim.
You don't Iike me.
We don't even have sex.
Yeah, that's 'cause you're so in Iove with your stupid dog.
Why don't you just have sex with her? Okay, nobody is having sex with a dog here, in case anybody's wondering.
Keep on waIking.
Keep it going.
Kim, get in the house! Get in! Go! ASAP! How are you tonight, Linda? How do you think I'm doing with aII this discombobuIation? WeII, you can go back to watching your programs 'cause everything is combobuIated.
Thank you.
Craig, I cannot have you coming to my house and making a scene.
We are not those kind of peopIe.
(VIVIAN SCOFFS) I bought her, her own dessert.
Yeah, weII, I herniated my peIvis giving birth to her, and she won't even stay out tiII 1 1 :00! (SIGHS) Can I just taIk to her for three minutes? No, Craig.
This is so I spent Iike $48.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
PhiI, I wiII bet you doIIars to donuts the whoIe neighborhood's abuzz about the scene that Kim caused Iast night.
Hi, Linda.
HeIIo, Kath.
Did you see that? (GROANS) It'II be fine.
I reaIIy thought that Kim wouId have gone back to Craig by now.
You know, maybe she's reaIIy serious.
Maybe she reaIIy doesn't want to be married to Craig.
(SIGHS) What is she going to do with her Iife? Hey, maybe a IittIe froIic in the Jacuzzi wiII take your mind off things, huh? No, PhiI, sexuaI heaIing is not going to do it for me now.
Kim has just got me in a tizzy.
I mean, what is she going to do aII day? She's certainIy not workforce materiaI.
We've been down that road before, and it did not end weII.
I wish there was something I couId do to heIp.
Oh, PhiI, you're the best.
So successfuI and strong.
Sex appeaI up the wazoo.
If Craig were more Iike you, Kim never wouId have Ieft him.
Yeah, I Iike the kid, but he's a bit of a train wreck, huh? Hey, maybe you couId give him some tips! WeII, I don't normaIIy give out the secret recipe to PhiI.
But for you, anything.
ReaIIy? You can thank me with a IittIe Kath-ternoon deIight.
Mmm, don't mind if I do.
Come on, give me some.
Hey, Craig.
Oh, hey, PhiI.
Hi.
You got a minute? We need to taIk.
Yeah.
Hey, man, I'm sorry about Iast night.
Your date night reaIIy bIew.
But so did mine, though, so Listen, I think I may have figured out a way to get you and Kim back together.
(SCOFFS) Nice.
WeII, I reaIIy appreciate it, P, but unIess you can turn me into, Iike, a miIIion doIIars or a bottomIess bag of Doritos, I don't think that's going to happen, bro.
Okay, you see, it's that type of ''can't do'' attitude that I reaIIy think is the probIem here.
Yeah, weII, Bakers aren't reaIIy a ''can do'' type of peopIe.
WeII, Iisten, come by the IsIand tomorrow.
I'd say today, but I'm getting in a big Ioad of mayonnaise, and it's going to be an aII-nighter.
Yeah.
AII right, you need any heIp with that or Oh, no, thanks.
This is something I need to do aIone.
Good Iuck, man.
KATH.
.
I gave up my Iife for Kim.
I gave her everything she wanted, never set any Iimits.
I just don't know where I went wrong.
Even if Kim has a PhiI of her own, she won't be fuII-PhiIIed.
(EXCLAIMS) That's a good one, Kath! She needs a passion, something to make her feeI good about herseIf.
HeIIo, Kimmy.
What's with the happy 'tude aII of a sudden? WeII, I have a great idea, which invoIves you having your Iingerie party.
What? Yes! WeII, I went to the maII and I saw these very styIish women wearing Iingerie.
So, of course I foIIow them, and I go up to one of the gaIs.
She teIIs me that Iingerie is very in.
And I thought, ''Oh, good.
WeII, for once Kim isn't taIking out of her pooper.
'' Thank you.
And I reaIIy think that it couId be good for you and Craig.
You know, you might not be so hard on your marriage vis-à-vis Craig if you had your own interests, Kimmy.
I mean, Iook at me.
I have my saIon and my crafts and my work as a notary so that I don't have to make PhiI the be aII and the end aII.
Even though he is.
Okay, am I having my party or what? Yes! I did the math, and with the deposit for the inventory and the snacks, pIus accidentaIs, it comes out to about $400.
Okay, great.
Let's get going.
Are you going to taIk aII day? I mean, 'cause we got stuff to do.
Kim, do you reaIIy think this is appropriate? I mean, it's a famiIy pooI.
Okay, I'm sorry.
It's high fashion.
It's Iike something Kate Moss had on.
Yeah, weII, you got a IittIe Kate Moss showing right there.
So you went with PhiI's AIoha.
Yeah, the ham and pineappIe cIub? Genius, bro.
SeriousIy, there is nothing about this I don't Iike.
Thank you.
I'm reaIIy proud of the work I'm doing here.
Awesome.
Craig, I'm not going to Iie to you.
I wasn't aIways the man you see today.
What man were you? I was a 400-pound, sad, IoneIy, Ioser man, Craig.
That's right.
Kim aIways taIks about that.
You were Iike crazy fat.
Four hundred pounds.
Yeah.
That's Iike a car.
It's Iike a goIf cart.
I bet you couId do a mean cannonbaII back in the day.
I once dispIaced two feet of water out of a pooI at a chiId's birthday party.
What did the chiId do, Iike, freak out? Yeah.
I wouId.
But Iook at me now.
I mean, I got a foxy fiancée.
I got a thriving business.
Very interesting.
And dynamic sex.
On a reguIar basis.
I'm on top of the worId.
You know why? No.
I worked on myseIf.
I changed on the outside, which is reaIIy the onIy type of change that matters.
I mean, peopIe are going to teII you different.
It's a Iie.
Yeah, but I don't think I shouId Iose 200 pounds, though.
I mean, I couId, but I feeI Iike I wouId Yeah, I wouId weigh negative pounds if I did that.
Craig, do you want to get Kim back? Yes.
I Iove her.
I mean, I hate myseIf for it, but I do.
Then you got to do something.
You don't have to Iose the weight, but you got to Iose those hip-hop type jeans.
Women Iove men in dressy sIacks.
And man jeweIry.
ReaIIy? That's the PhiI guarantee.
AII right, cooI.
Let's do it.
Yeah? AII right, we got to work fast.
I just got in a shipment of peppered meats.
My day is going to be a bear.
Sweet.
Kim, I don't know why you need my heIp to get this stuff for the party.
'Cause I want to spend time with you.
Aw.
ReaIIy? I'm so touched.
Not! Do you want to modeI at the party? ReaIIy? Oh, gosh.
Do you think I couId? AII right, sure! Why not? I'II give it a whirI.
(LAUGHS) Cute.
Jeez, I never thought of myseIf as a modeI before.
That's very fIattering.
You know, Kim, we reaIIy shouId invite the neighbors to the party, too.
With aII the troubIe of Iate, it wouId be a very nice way to extend the onion branch.
Hmm, whatev.
KATH.
.
You are a genius, Kath Day.
This is going to be so great for Kimmy.
(EXCLAIMS) I Iove this song.
Okay, you run in.
I'II wait in the car.
Kim.
What? I'II go in the next time.
I'm organizing this whoIe thing, and that is a Iot.
AII right, fine.
I'm going to be right back.
(THAT'S THE WAY, I LIKE I PLAYING) Here I am.
I got the goods.
Pwease? Forgot those.
(EXCLAIMS) Ice cream cone for you.
Mmm, Mom.
Put this down here.
Mom, Iook.
Here we go.
Oh, pIease.
KATH.
.
She's just tired from aII the organizing.
Baby steps, that's aII it is.
Can I have some more of that bubbIy? Of course, Linda.
Fun party.
Yes.
Craig Iooks fantastic? ReaIIy? Oh, jeez, Kim's going to be so excited.
(SIGHS) Everything is just coming together.
KIM: Come on, Mom, Iet's go.
Okay, Iisten, I have to go.
I'II see you Iater.
I have to go do my modeIing now.
(LAUGHING) Testing, one, two, three.
Testing, one, two, three.
Thank you aII for coming today.
The show is about to begin.
(WOMEN CHEERING) WOMAN 1 : Like that.
Our first modeI is the IoveIy Kim.
WOMAN 2: AII right! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL CHEERING) Spread it, girI! For those nights when you're in the mood to be trashy and nasty and fiIthy dirty, the Pam Anderson.
The chicken cutIets are optionaI.
Tats avaiIabIe at Rite Aid.
Thank you, Kim-aIicious.
And now the IoveIy and taIented Kath.
This is the Sharon Stone.
WouId you Iike to puII up a chair and demonstrate? Sharon? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? Interrogate me.
Interrogate me.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Interrogate me.
I'm Sharon Stone.
Yeah, Mom! Baby bumps are aII the rage.
The fiIthy miIfy.
(WOMEN MOANING) Very cIassy.
Unique.
(EXCLAIMS) Here he is.
(SIGHS) Oh, Craig, you Iook Iike 100 bucks! Thank you.
I can't take my eyes off of you in that sexy Iingerie.
It's perfect to highIight your backyard.
(GROANS) You bet.
Okay, you reaIIy think I Iook good, Kath? Oh, Kim's going to Iove it.
PIus, she's in a great mood.
Okay, I'm going in.
Wish me Iuck, bro.
(EXCLAIMS) We hit rings.
Shoot.
Is yours okay? Yeah, it's fine.
Was that there when I That's the marbIing.
Oh, okay.
I'm good, then.
Excuse me.
I am Iooking for the foxy Iady who rocks my worId.
What? KimberIy Day, why don't you make today a very happy day and accompany me and you to our maritaI bed for some Iove making sexy time? Ew! Are you trying to be Iike PhiI? No, I'm acting Iike an attractive aduIt maIe.
That's Iame.
Kim.
WeII, it's true! I think he Iooks sharp.
Thank you.
(SNIFFING) Are you wearing perfume? No, it's That is nasty.
No, it is not perfume.
It's coIogne, Kim.
It's SaiIboat for men.
(SIGHS) It smeIIs Iike It Sucks for men.
WeII, that's reaI nice, Kim.
Kim.
I went to a Iot of troubIe, okay, to Iook this dorky and smeII this good for you.
Dude, I toId you she wouIdn't appreciate it, dude.
You ruined my Iingerie party! WeII, guess what? Lingerie is stupid! So, how about that? No! You're stupid! You're stupid! You are! You're stupid! KATH: Now, that's enough.
There.
How's that? CRAIG: Don't throw your You know how hard it is to waIk in these shoes? That is enough! What are those? Can you hoId that for a minute? KATH: You are out of controI, KimberIy! Cheese baII, Mom! Let me teII you something.
PhiI happens to be a very styIish guy! He can puII off a dressy sIack Iike a Iot of guys can't.
Oh, he's a dork! He is not! He is a wonderfuI person, and he has changed my Iife.
And I thought that if Craig was a IittIe more Iike PhiI, that you'd be happy, too.
You thought if Craig was more Iike PhiI that I'd be happy? We are not the same, Mom! Fine.
Hon, you don't want to be with Craig, don't be with Craig.
But you can stiII pursue your dream career in Iingerie.
Yeah, I don't think so.
It's too much work.
What? (GROANS) I have reaIIy been kidding myseIf.
Here I have been running around trying to heIp you, Kim, because I thought that maybe, for once, you couId make something of something.
Everybody has.
Kim, everybody's been bending over backwards trying to accommodate you, but nothing works.
You don't Iike PhiI.
You don't want to be with Craig.
What do you want, Kim, huh? What? I don't know.
Wacko! You peopIe Iike a commotion.
Oh, jeez.
WeII, another 400 bucks down the drain.
Can we go to AppIebee's for dinner? Ooh, chocoIate voIcano cake with extra Iava! You know, Kim, sometimes I think you are too spoiIed.
Don't be ridic.
Can you bring me another root beer fIoat? AII this chocoIate's making me thirsty.
Thanks.
Ice cream? I don't want ice cream! Why do I have to have ice cream! Brat, much? You see, now, that mother is Ietting that IittIe girI waIk aII over her.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Mmm.
The IittIe girI's the one in charge.
She's controIIing the mother.
Can you imagine? Mmm.
Bro, she totaIIy aImost took my eye out with her fake boob, man.
Wow.
TechnoIogy.
I remember when these were just wadded up tissue papers.
WeII, I guess I won't be needing this man jeweIry anymore.
HoId on.
I want you to keep that.
Dude, reaIIy? Yeah.
Wow.
Thank you, man.
I'm so touched right now.
You ought to be.
That's genuine American Indian turquoise.
Wow! You've heard of the Arapaho? No, is that a band? It's a band of brothers.
BIood brothers.
Wow! Yeah.
(CLEARING THROAT) Want to hit a movie? No, I think I'm just going to go home and get drunk and break some stuff, man.
I understand.
I mean, it's not for me, but I understand.
But, I mean, thanks for everything.
You're weIcome.
Even though I think it, maybe, probabIy zero percent heIped, Iike, my situation with Kim, I think it at Ieast, Iike, Mmm-hmm.
Iike, as a guy.
Those are Iow numbers.
Yeah.
But I'm not done with you yet.
Hey, Iook, stars are just Iike us.
They fiII up their gas tank, they waIk their dog, and they pick up their dry-cIeaning.
(SCOFFS) You don't do any of those things.
That is so weird.
Lindsay Lohan has tons of freckIes in some pictures, and none in others.
It's caIIed airbrushing, Kim.
Get used to it.
You shouId get airbrushed.
You'd Iook great.
WeII, thank you very much.
Okay.
Who am I? ''The Iady who rocks my worId.
'' Oh, gosh.
I know, I have to admit it was very odd.
But Iet's face it, Craig is no PhiI.
(SIGHS) Uh, yeah.