Man with a Plan (2016) s01e15 Episode Script

I cannot believe the kids are still asleep on a Sunday.
I know, this is nice.
Just the two of us.
Hmm.
It's romantic, even.
(both laugh) What's that? My hand too early? No, no, that's your parents' RV.
What? I thought they were driving around the country, going 40 in the fast lane and wearing giant sunglasses over their regular glasses.
Well, my mom called me from Santa Fe last week.
All she talked about was buying salsa from a nice Mexican lady.
Why do they always have to mention the ethnicity of the people in their stories? Because they're old white people.
That's what they do.
Oh, man, that's what I just did.
Oh, wait.
Whoa, whoa, where are you going? - To welcome them.
- (muttering): Oh, oh, wait.
Oh, oh.
Before you go out there, I should probably mention that I never told them about you going back to work and me watching the kids.
What? Well, why not? I knew if I told them, I would never hear the end of it.
Plus, I thought maybe by the time they got back, this whole thing with you going back to work would've blown over.
My dreams and aspirations would've just blown over? Yeah, things blow over.
Like the way you're feeling right now.
Blow it over! (door opens) - Oh, there they are! - Mom, Dad, - what a surprise.
- Hi, Joe.
Ah! Mmm.
Good to see you.
- Ooh! Ooh! - Oh.
- (laughing) - Look at you.
Hi, Bev.
(laughing) Oh, come on.
You don't kiss an Italian mama on the cheek.
- The lips we want the lips.
- Oh, okay.
Ah, look at your wife.
She gets prettier every day, like that actress.
Bev, what's her name? From the movies.
Catherine Zeta Jones.
No, the one with teeth.
They all have teeth.
Uh, Julia Roberts! You look just like Julia Roberts.
Oh, come on.
(scoffs) You know, maybe a little.
And you.
Well, you're doing the best you can.
But you really punched above your weight with this one.
So, uh, what are you guys doing back in Pittsburgh? It's just a pit stop on our way to see the world's largest Hershey bar.
It's as big as a table.
- A small table.
- Yeah.
Or a large book, but we still want to see it for some reason.
Oh, and Dad's back needed a rest.
- Those roads are full of potholes.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Obama.
Oh, by the way, your mailbox jumped out in front of me on the way in.
It didn't make it.
Did you bring us any presents? Of course we did.
You got the bag, Bev.
Ooh, let's see.
For Teddy, take a look at this.
ADAM: Oh, I had one of those, Teddy.
It's a switchblade comb.
Or just a switchblade.
Wow! Thanks! Wow! Thanks! Yeah, a knife for my son who cut himself on a Hula-Hoop.
And, Kate, how about some genuine Kentucky fireworks? (laughs) - Whoa, these are bottle rockets! - Mm.
It's about to get real, Teddy.
We haven't forgotten about you, Peanut.
- Oh! - Bring him out, Bev.
Him? Mm-hmm.
A turtle.
Yay! Yeah, that's an endangered tortoise we found on the side of the road.
It was hard to get that little electronic tag off it, but luckily, we had Teddy's switchblade.
Okay, why don't you guys run upstairs, and Mommy and I will donate these to needy criminal children.
Your parents are a couple of squares! Mom! Dad! Oh, who is this handsome guy? Is it Tom Selleck or my son? It's me! It's Don! (laughs) Tom Selleck? I've eaten Cheetos that look more like Tom Selleck.
They think I look like Julia Roberts.
(groans) Joe, Bev, so great that you're back! Oh, well, don't worry.
We won't be expecting to stay at your house.
We know you like your privacy.
Oh, Bev, that was almost 20 years ago.
Was it? Wow.
Seems like yesterday.
Joe, do you remember when Marcy put us up in a hotel instead of letting us stay with them? - Like it was yesterday.
- See? So how's the road trip going? - Have a seat.
- Oh.
Culturally speaking, it's been quite an education.
Yeah.
- We have seen some things.
- Oh.
We stopped at a gas station in Arizona.
- They got five different flavors of jerky.
- Hmm.
You just don't see that - on the East Coast.
- No.
No.
They even had teriyaki.
- Very exotic.
- Yeah.
You know, all jerky's made in China now, right? - Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that.
- BEV: Mm-hmm.
Yeah, they're just rubbing it in our faces with this teriyaki stuff.
So, what's new around here? Oh, well, um, Adam's got some fun news to tell you about, right, honey? - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- I will keep going.
- Oh.
Fine.
Uh, yeah, uh, Andi has gone back to work at the lab, so I'm taking care of the kids after school and stuff.
You're taking care of the kids? Like a nanny? (chuckles) No, like a father.
If the father's a nanny.
(laughter) You got the looks and the funny.
BEV: Well, why shouldn't the man watch the kids and the woman work? I mean, I'm a woman, and I'm many things.
A wife, a mother, a tender lover.
No.
No.
No, no.
No.
I think what you two are doing is very modern.
Andi, I'm proud of you.
Oh.
Thanks, Bev.
You're like a daughter to me.
Oh.
My one daughter.
Come on, Bev.
You've got two daughters.
Thank you, Joe.
I meant Adam now that he's watching the kids.
You see what happens when I tell him stuff, huh?! Okay, honey, relax, okay? I mean, in a few days, they'll be off to see the world's slightly-larger-than-average chocolate bar.
- It'll be - (mutters) Uh, we were talking.
We're thinking we might stop our road trip.
Uh-oh.
To stay and help with the kids.
Yeah.
We just want you to have your dignity back.
But you guys sold your house.
You don't have any place to live.
We've got the RV.
We can live right in your driveway! Our driveway! Andi, they want to live in our driveway.
I heard them.
Yeah, we just have to work out a few kinks with the septic runoff, and we'll be good to go.
Oh, Ma, this cannoli's great.
You keep feeding me like this, I'm gonna get fat.
Oh, not you.
You're skin and bone.
Oh.
You're a good mother.
Now, what's different? I had to use different lard.
The company I liked went out of business.
Thanks, Obama.
Dad, he's not even president anymore.
He knows what he did.
So, have you two thought about our offer? Uh Oh, you know what? We don't want to take advantage of you.
I mean, what about the rest of your trip? Seeing the country after Joe retired was your dream.
Five months in that box on wheels is plenty.
The shower is so small, you can't even wash both sides of you.
You got to pick one the front or the back.
It's a real Sophie's Choice.
Yeah, but you guys got better things to do than hang around here.
You should be out with your friends, talking about the good old days before the wheel was invented.
Hmm.
Our friends are either dead, or living in one of those old folks homes.
We visited a few on our swing through Florida.
Yeah, it's where you go to die.
One place we went they sold caskets right in the lobby.
Honey, I think those were planters.
People planters! I liked that place.
One night in the dining hall, I watched this Cuban man eat a baked potato.
It was just fascinating.
Ma, why do you have to say the guy was Cuban? He was Cuban.
It makes a good story.
I mean, if I just say a man's eating a potato, I got nothing, snoozefest.
So what do you say? Are we living in your driveway or not? Uh Yes, great.
Please stay.
Oh, great! Hooray.
- Oh, it's gonna be wonderful! - Oh, yes.
Adam and I are gonna be talking about how wonderful this is long, long into the night.
"Yes, great.
Please stay.
" What was I supposed to say, honey? They're my parents.
And, you know, this could actually be really great timing.
Don and I have that mini mall job.
We're a lot busier.
I could use the help.
Honey, you know I love your parents, but they're just not the moral compass I want for our kids.
I mean, those cannolis were not Obama's fault.
Well, that stuff goes right over the kids' heads.
Okay, can we at least give it a trial run? How bad could it be? Well, I think the Titanic was a trial run.
Come on.
They know how to raise kids.
They raised me, and I'm fantastic.
Well, you're humble.
I'll give you that.
Look, I will talk to them, and make sure they do everything the way I do.
Oh, the way we do.
The way you do.
All right, fine.
I'll give you your trial run.
It's what Julia Roberts would do.
JOE: All right! - Bye, Grandma.
- Oh, I love you so much.
- (overlapping chatter) - All right, bye.
Bye-bye.
Okay, listen.
Meet the kids here at 3:00 sharp, and give 'em a snack, or they turn into maniacs.
But not candy, or they turn into maniacs.
And make 'em start on their homework right away, or they'll just run around like maniacs.
Basically, they're maniacs.
And I can't believe I have to say this, but no weapons and no explosives.
Relax.
We raised you, and you turned out fantastic.
That's what I said! All right, keep it moving, Burns.
Let's go.
Oh.
Who are these youngsters? ADAM: Oh, uh, my parents, Bev and Joe.
Mom, Dad, this is, uh, Emme's teacher, Mrs.
Rodriguez.
Ooh, Rodriguez! Mom.
Are you from Mexico? Actually, I'm from Philadelphia.
Oh, fascinating.
Now, do you eat baked potatoes? Okay, okay! Okay, Emme, why don't you show Grandma and Grandpa your classroom, hmm? Aw, yeah.
He's gonna apologize for us now.
He's gotten real uptight.
Must be all that cooking and cleaning.
A lot of housewives get like that.
Sorry.
For what? I'm Latina, and they were being nice.
You've never once asked me where I'm from.
Yes, but, to be fair, I don't care.
Mm-hmm.
It's all coming out now, isn't it, Burns? That's right.
Three more months of school and we never have to see each other again.
More importantly, I never have to see you again.
Believe it or not, I'm gonna miss you.
I don't get a lot of wins.
But with you, I always win.
(both chuckle) What a fun classroom.
- Like a fiesta, right? - (chuckles) That's mostly your son's doing.
He's room mom this year.
Oh, for the love of God.
(laughs, mutters) All right, let's go.
Adios! Ma! Hey.
Hey, cuties, we're home.
(dramatic music playing on TV) What are you watching? Extreme Autopsy.
They chop up dead bodies.
Grandpa Joe found it.
Here we go, he's getting the bone saw.
He won't need it.
That body was in the lake for weeks.
No, no, no, no, no, no! ALL: Aw.
(scoffs) Is your homework done? Grandma said we were too cute to do homework.
And is that candy? We're having candy dinner.
Why don't you ever give us candy dinner? No.
You know, as bad as I thought this would be, it's so much worse.
And I was like, "What if they do this or that or the other thing.
" And then they did all the things.
They did all the things, Adam.
Okay, okay, okay.
I will handle this.
Mom? Dad? It's just me.
Bev is resting her eyes, and Joe's down at Dunkin' Donuts, because it's his favorite bathroom.
What are you doing here? I saw them at pick-up and they couldn't remember how to get back.
Then your mom insisted I eat some veal to fatten me up.
She said I couldn't leave until it's all gone.
I'm the veal now.
Italian mothers like to feed people.
They also like to kiss on the mouth, Adam.
Well, kiss her back next time, see what happens.
I don't know.
Adam, this is not funny.
Look-look, don't worry, these are just, you know, day one growing pains.
There's no more juice boxes.
Thanks, Obama.
One day, one day your parents watched our kids, and they turned our little girl into Bill O'Reilly.
What am I supposed to do, Andi, go out to the RV, knock on the door, and tell my own parents to leave? That's a great idea.
Do that.
Oh, okay.
If you feel so strongly about it, why don't you go out there and do it.
Well, I can't do it.
They like me.
I mean, you know, they love you, but they really like me.
Look, I agree.
We got to get 'em out of here, but I don't want to hurt their feelings.
I know.
I just (sighs) I wish there was someplace else they could go.
Hey, you know where they've never stayed? - Huh? - Tom Selleck's house.
Nice.
That's right.
It's not a family until everybody suffers.
So I'm thinking we put 'em in your driveway.
Oh, no way.
Why would I want them here? Uh, well, because your invitation to Joe and Bev will heal the awful breach that you've been struggling with for years.
Boom.
I don't want to heal the breach.
I have enjoyed 19 mother-in-law-free years.
It's like heaven, but you don't have to be a good person.
ANDI: Okay, but I-I need them out of our driveway, all right? There's a septic hose in my rosebushes.
Okay, how about this, golden boy, huh? I'll tell Mom and Dad that you want them to stay here.
Then when they come over here, you can tell 'em no to their innocent, loving faces.
Hmm? They got us, baby.
No, no.
Relax, Big Daddy.
You know what? Go ahead and bring them over here.
And I'll just tell them that you came to us first, 'cause you don't want them staying at your place.
Fine by me.
Let's burn this whole thing down! Okay, okay, okay.
Everybody just take just take it easy, all right? I mean, there has to be a solution.
So, short of faking our own deaths, what do we do? Well, my parents live in a retirement village, and they love it.
- Oh, Dad hates those places.
- Well, yeah, but what if we don't tell him it's one of those places? Yeah, we can just bring 'em there and-and tell 'em it's a regular apartment that you guys are looking at because you're thinking of downsizing.
ADAM: Yeah.
Yeah, and then by the time Dad figures out where he is, - he'll love it.
- You know, that could really work.
Those places are fancy now.
Yeah.
And Dad won't be hard to trick.
He still thinks you voted for Obama "by accident.
" ANDI: Wow, this is - a nice apartment.
- Yeah.
And no sharp corners.
What a warm welcome from that lady at the gate.
Yeah.
I think she was Vietnamese.
I'd love to watch her eat a baked potato.
So, Andi, how about this place, huh? Psh.
Gosh, Don, you and Marcy may call this downsizing, but I-I call it upgradezing.
And no guest room.
You'll like that.
JOE: I don't know.
There's something about this place.
Why are there ramps everywhere instead of stairs? Oh, uh, that's because ramps are the stairs of the future.
Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
I mean, in a few years, you're only gonna see stairs in a museum.
A-And not to walk on, just to look at.
Eventually, people will be born without the ability to climb steps.
Nature has no stairs.
Mountains are nature's ramps to the sky.
Or steps, if you will.
That doesn't make any sense.
So, I read in the lobby that they have bingo, musicals, comedy nights.
Oh, and there's a restaurant that serves dinner from 2:00 to 4:00 p.
m.
I know that's when I like to eat.
BEV: That sounds fun.
Call me crazy but, Joe, I-I'm thinking this place could be good for us.
For you? Wow, Ma.
That never occurred to us.
JOE: Yeah, yeah, it's not bad.
Oh, here's a brochure.
Oh, no, no, no! Don't read that! That's full of lies.
It's made in China.
"Here at the Oaks we welcome all levels of clients.
"A Level full independence.
"B Level targeted support.
C Level live-in staff.
" And then D Level.
What's D Level? It's just a picture of a tree in a field.
This is an old folks' home! ALL: What?! Why would Don and Marcy want to live in an old folks' home? Well, it's not for them it's for us.
They used it as a trick to get us out here.
They want us out of the house, but they're just too chicken to tell us.
Well, that was not very nice at all, Marcy.
Uh, which chair would you like me to die in, huh? This one or that one or this one, right? That's the great thing about this place there are so many options.
If you wanted us to go, you should've just told us to go! I didn't want to upset you.
You know, more than you are usually.
Look, it's hard to tell you stuff, all right? I told you Andi went back to work, and you gave me a hard time.
Marcy was honest and said she didn't want you to stay with her 19 years ago, and you're still mad at her.
That's not true.
Well, it is true, but I don't like the way you said it.
Okay, look, it's just you know, living in our driveway, showing our kids autopsies, stealing turtles from the side of the road.
It's-it's a lot to take.
I'm fine with it.
It's just Adam.
You got something to say, say it.
Yeah, Adam.
Say it.
(chuckling): Oh Fine.
Okay.
Here it is.
I love you, but you got to find your own place to live.
Okay.
Wha? That's it? Okay? Yeah.
We haven't really enjoyed our time here anyway.
What? You make too many rules.
We can't tell stories like we like or watch the TV shows we like.
Or pick up a turtle that technically belongs to any American.
My taxes have bought me at least one stinkin' street turtle.
So we'll go.
And-and you're not mad? Are you mad? Not if you're not mad.
Just the usual mad.
Nobody could stay mad at our sweet boy.
He's so handsome, just like Oh.
Who-who is it, Joe? - Larry King? - No.
No.
The actor.
Don Rickles? No, the actor.
With the hair? Oh, they all have hair.
Not Telly Savalas.
Oh, he was good.
Yul Brynner was a good bald guy, too.
Oh.
If only the two of them had been in a movie together.
JOE: You can't do that.
From behind, you can't tell who's talking.
Promise me I will never get like that.
- Oh, you're gonna be exactly like that.
- (groans) But I will love it.
You know who won't love it? Our kids.
(chuckles) Yeah.
We're gonna get their kids all kinds of crazy gifts.
Tasers, an iguana, a wood chipper.
Hey, that reminds me, what did you do with that turtle? Oh, I dropped him off at the zoo with a Post-it on its back that said, "Thanks, Obama.
" (chuckles) Hey, Ma.
What's going on? You're packing up? We found an apartment.
Your dad's inside right now signing the lease with the landlady.
That's great! Uh, I think those are our towels.
You kick us out, I take towels.
That's worth it.
Hello, Burns.
What? See? Look at his face.
I told you it'd be funny.
(chuckles) You're moving in with her? She's renting us the other half of her duplex.
(door opens) Ma, why didn't you tell me she was your new landlady? You never like me to describe anyone in my stories.