Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e15 Episode Script
Mork the Tolerant
Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! Able to leap over tall buildings? Hah! Anybody can do that in zero gravity.
What's the big deal about that? They call him Superman for that? Oh, I'm perturbed.
I've got to write a letter about this.
Miss Smith, take some dictation.
( in woman's voice ): No way! All right, I'll do it myself.
Dear Superman.
Ding.
I am writing you this letter because I'm really perturbed.
Ding.
How can you call yourself a man of steel if you wear blue tights with the underwear on the outside? Ding.
Everyone knows that Krypton is the Miami Beach of the Universe.
Ding.
You're a jive turkey in red booties.
Ding.
Love, your friend, Mork from Ork.
Ding.
PS, Don't you sweat a lot, wearing two suits? Ding.
Good morning.
Oh, God bless you.
Do you know where I can get a stamp? Oh, sure, I think there's some over there in the drawer.
Ah, good.
Where are you sending a letter? Metropolis.
Well, I have to go to work early this morning, 'cause Grandma's not feeling well.
( beeps ) Shazbot! ( loud banging ) Whoa! The mice must be taking steroids.
It's that Bickley creep again.
You mean that nice man that moved in downstairs? Nice?! ( banging ) Haven't you met him yet? No, I've been too busy reading these alien newsletters.
Well, that Bickley character has been making my life miserable.
While you're safe up in your attic, he's always pounding on his ceiling which happens to be attached to my floor.
Well, you know, Mindy, one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
That's some heavy apartment philosophy and you've got to remember that.
And the worst part is, I'm not even a noisy person.
( loud banging ) I can't stand it.
Mindy, you earthlings must learn some more virtues, like being more tolerant.
We have a saying on Ork, "Tolerance is next to cowardice.
" Don't Orkans ever have any problems with unreasonable neighbors? Well, one time the planet next to us blew up, we all complained about it, and they never did it again.
Well, that's wonderful, but I don't think I can wait for his apartment to blow up.
I've been down there three times already and it hasn't done any good.
You just have to learn to adjust.
How can I adjust to constant pounding? Oh, make it fun.
Watch this.
( singing to tune of Stayin' Alive): I can tell by the way you hold your teeth You're an older man with a lot to bequeath Ah, ah I can tell by the way you take that pill You're about to sign your only will Ah, ah, ah, ah Barely alive, barely alive! Mork, I don't have happy feet, I have angry ears and that guy is really bugging me.
Oh? Well, you'll just have to be a little more acoustically understanding.
Understanding?! Well, why don't you go talk to him and see how understanding you feel.
Listen, I got to get to work.
I'll see you later, okay? Ciao.
Bye.
( sighs ) ( door slams ) ( loud banging ) No, thanks! I'll sit this one out! I give it about a 65, though! It's got a good beat, but a little hard to dance to! ( loud knocking ) Quiet up there! MORK: I'm not a ventriloquist.
I'm out here.
Oh, interruptions, interruptions Who are you? Hello, I'm Mork.
Nanu-nanu.
No, no, no, no.
Get out of here.
( loud knocking ) Oh, what is it, what is it? I'm still Mork.
I'm from upstairs.
Oh, you.
I've been wanting to talk to you, Bigfoot.
You and your noisy girlfriend have been driving me out of my mind.
What a coincidence.
She says the same thing about you.
Look, I'm trying to work down here.
It's tough enough without you guys tromping around up there.
I'd rather live under the Harlem Globetrotters.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.
What are these? Those are greeting cards.
I design and illustrate greeting cards.
What are greeting cards? A gold mine, that's what they are.
Every simple-minded idiot whose mother has a birthday can't think what to blow his last sixty cents on.
Eh, thanks to me, he can now send a simple, stupid, sappy card, filled with phony sentiment.
Oh, that sounds fantastic! Read me one.
Yeah, you probably would like this drivel.
"To my mother.
" Ew.
"Your smile to me is like the dawn" Oh, gee "Whose coming hides the darkness "and lifts the sorrow from my aching heart.
"If only I could tell you, Mother, "what your life has meant to mine, "then I could die a happy man, although it means we part.
" ( sobbing ) That's beautiful.
Garbage.
How can you say that about your own poetry? Hey, it pays the bills.
I don't have to like it.
Oh, look.
Look at the pretty bunnies.
Yeah.
A hunter I know lets me draw his rabbits before he skins them.
Here's another one.
"What is a friend?" Oh, brother "A person who is kind and just, "A person full of love and trust, "Who knows your faults but doesn't give a flying care Who, when you call, is always there.
" Yeah, I know, I know.
"A person who will e'er be true "A person who is just like you.
" ( sobbing ) Swill.
Oh, it's not only swell, it's fantastic.
Read me another one, please.
I don't want to talk to you.
Ah, but yet you are.
See how considerate you're being? I'm not being considerate.
Oh, and you're modest too.
( loud thump ) Oh, no, it's those kids again.
I can't get any work done.
Hey! Hey, kid! Yes, you! Now that was a terrific throw.
Let's see you do it again.
( sharp thud ) Oh-ho! Amazing! Do you think you can throw it to me? Ah Oh-ho! Scuzzy little yard monkey! I really ought to take these down to the orphanage and sell them.
You wonderful guy, you.
What are you talking about? I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to hide it underneath that crust, but I know, deep down inside, you're trying to save that young kid's life.
If he had taken this ball, he might have thrown it out in the street, then a truck would have come along and hit him, then he'd be in the hospital, and all of his little friends would have to send him get-well cards, and Oh, no, you're more than a wonderful guy, you're a saint! You gave up your own business just to save that little kid's life.
Hey, kid! Here's your ball! My life has been miserable ever since he moved in.
Boy, that guy sounds like a real jerk.
Oh, he's worse than that.
I don't know how I can go on living there.
I'll bet he'd pound if I dropped a hint.
You know, your mother and I moved into this apartment once, and there was somebody next door who was pounding on the walls for two days straight.
Well, finally, I had enough of it and I went next door to tell him off.
Well, did you? Nah, I couldn't.
It was a guy in traction and his nurse had died.
Oh, Dad! That did make my day.
You want me to go over and talk to him? No, I can do it.
It's just that I get so mad every time it happens.
Mm, well, you see, that's just it, Mindy.
Sometimes you have to learn how to handle these things without getting mad.
Mm, that's what Mork says.
In that case, maybe I'm wrong.
Hey, babe? Yeah? You the chick that sold me this album last week? Well, we sell that album.
Do you have a receipt? You didn't give me a receipt.
I always staple the receipt to the bag.
You didn't give me a bag, honey.
Well, what were you gonna do, listen to it on the way home? I'll handle this.
Uh, what seems to be the problem? This chick you got working for you is trying to rip me off.
I got no bag, I got no receipt, and I got a defective album.
What's wrong with it? I don't like it.
Well, you can't return an album just because you don't like it.
Well, I wouldn't return it if I did like it.
You know, I don't like your attitude.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy tolerance.
What seems to be the energy problem here? I got a defective album.
It's, uh, it's scratched.
Well, let's try and deal with this in a holistic way.
Don't itch it and let it achieve its own energy and heal itself.
I don't like your attitude.
That's because you haven't got to know my essence yet.
Tell you what.
We'll get together, we'll have cocktails, and work out our karma together.
I don't want to have cocktails with your karma.
Well, we'll get together and have a natural breakfast, lunch or dinner.
You know, I feel an incredible vibration from you.
Let's share it.
Come on, now, don't be afraid.
There we go.
You're an Aries, right? Yeah.
Fantastic! I knew it! I see an incredible potential in you.
You know, there's an amazing being in all the universe that can be and you know what? I see a potential for you in show business.
I play guitar! Fantastic! Wow, psychic! I knew it.
Have your service call my service, and be here now if not, get there later.
Ciao! Well, I have to admit that was really impressive.
Well, you just have to use kindness, that's how I overcame Mr.
Bickley.
You went down to see Bickley today? Oh, yes.
We're the best of friends now.
Oh, come on! Oh, yeah! He said stop by again real soon.
By the way, when does hell freeze over? Best of friends.
Oh, yes.
But Mindy, you have to be real considerate of him, he's getting a little old and you know, losing a little bit, because he must have asked me ten or 12 times if I wanted to take a hike.
Well, did you ever get around to talking about the noise problem? No, no, mainly we just talked about you.
He must have been a repairman at some time or another, because he keeps wanting to fix your wagon.
I bet he would, too.
Well, he's not going to get the chance.
Oh, yes, he will.
I invited him over for dinner, tonight at 8:00.
And I feel the energy's right, so I'll catch you there.
The gestalt is now.
All right, let's see.
We'll bus you into this neighborhood.
We'll put up a tenement here.
That should shock 'em.
All right, we'll move Lester Maddox off the board.
Oh, good! By the end of the game, we should have the whole place integrated.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing? Playing Supreme Court.
Well, not to change the subject, but I wish you would check with me before you go inviting anyone over here.
Oh, you mean like Mr.
Bickley? Yeah, Mr.
Bickley.
And Susan Taylor, and that Russian guy, Sergei.
Well, Mindy, there's an old Orkan saying that applies to this.
You see, if someone pounds on your ceiling because they don't like the noise you're making, invite them over for dinner.
What a wonderful saying.
Look, Mork, I don't want Bickley in my apartment.
Oh, see, there's an incredible energy right there, because he doesn't want to be in your apartment, either.
And you talked him into it? Well, it wasn't very hard.
I told him you'd fix him a nice dinner, then we'd all get together, we'd talk for Wait a minute! I'll fix him dinner?! Wow, déjà vu.
Uh-uh, you got that one wrong.
You invited him over, so you fix him dinner.
Oh, I get it.
I'll make my bed, so I've got to hang from it.
You got it.
But I don't even know how to cook.
I've never even met Julia Childs.
Well, Mork, there's an old saying on Earth: Fake it.
Oh.
Impending culinary doom.
So, what are we having for dinner tonight? Check.
Ha-ha! Check? We haven't even eaten.
Just a little off the side top ( pounding at door ) Come in, Mr.
Bickley! How did you know it was me? I'd know your pounding anywhere.
I brought you two a gift a bottle of bourbon.
Oh, how nice.
Well, thank you.
That's okay.
I always swipe a couple of these when I fly.
Oh, look, little munchkin bourbon.
I think I'd like a drink.
Oh, sure, what'll you have? Bourbon.
Uh, this is all we have.
Well, you couldn't pickle a cricket in that.
Well, I'm sorry, but we have nothing stronger than wine in the house.
What about that 20-year-old scotch your father? Mork! Shh! That's for a special occasion.
Forget it.
I hate Scotch.
It's disgusting and putrid.
Speaking of disgusting and putrid, my salad's burning.
His salad is burning? Mork has a lot of exotic recipes.
Oh, you kids sit down.
We'll start off with the appetizers.
We'll begin with a little Maalox au gratin.
A little cheese for the three of us.
A little fromage à trois.
( honking bark ) Maalox You can sit over there Maalox? Oh! All I have here are three knives! I have four.
I'm sorry, I forgot the soup forks.
Soup forks? Bonjour, Madame et Monsieur.
Welcome to Chez Mork.
Tonight's specialty was going to be the chicken in butter sauce, but that slippery sucker got away.
Monsieur, would you like to see the wine list? Yes.
LÃ -bas.
For you, smell the cap.
Ah, a very good week.
Monsieur, with this wine and a doorway, you'll have a fantastic weekend.
Now, Monsieur, for you, the specialty of the day.
There we are, là -bas.
( speaks nonsense French ) For you, here we are.
Okay BICKLEY: What's this supposed to be? ( with accent ): Le peas frozen.
You said you're always asking for "peas and quiet.
" ( laughs ) But seriously, nice to have you here.
I'll be right back.
I'll tell the chef you're here.
Yo, Al, we got people here! Start cooking, sucker! ( speaking rapid-fire gibberish ) These are delicious! What? They're not even cooked! Well, at least this way they don't lose any of their vitamins.
I think maybe I will have some of that scotch.
Oh, okay.
That's a very good idea, Monsieur.
You won't spoil your appetite that way.
Now, for the secondary course for you ( speaking nonsense French ) Le poomph! What is what's this mess? Oh, en français, le soupe, en anglais, soup.
Actually, it's a gestalt gumbo.
You see the little tiny live shrimp? I couldn't bring myself to kill them once I looked in their eyes.
I'm sorry, Monsieur.
Things aren't going too well.
I'll get the busboy to clean up the excess.
But first, a little entertainment for you.
Carl Carl, quickly, come! Feelings Nothing more than I'm sorry, Monsieur.
He's not worked since The Wizard of Oz.
We had to give him a chance.
Mm-mm! It's like a soup and sandwich, all in one.
Oh, I get it.
You two are doing this so I'll leave.
Oh, no, no.
Mork is honestly trying to cook you a good dinner.
But ( sings fanfare ) And now, Monsieur, for the spécialité de l'apartement le soufflé! Whoa, cool it! It's ready now.
I need more scotch.
Mork, are you sure you followed the recipe? Well, it called for beating eggs, and I couldn't bring myself to do that.
That settles it.
I can't take any more of this.
But you haven't taken any of it.
Let's just say I'm not hungry right now.
Oh, that's all right, we'll put it in a doggy bag.
But for you, a grouch pouch.
Mr.
Bickley, this is the first time Mork has ever cooked.
Really? I never would have guessed.
Look, Mork's dinner wasn't great, but at least he tried.
He shouldn't have.
You know, you should be more tolerant of people.
Now, we've had to put up with a lot from you lately.
Like what? Like what?! Like your constant pounding and your rudeness.
You have been making my life miserable.
I just complain a little.
It's not that bad.
It's terrible! Do you know that you're the worst neighbor I've ever had? Isn't it wonderful? You're the top of your field.
Really? I'm that bad? Well, let's just say if the Marquis de Sade were still alive, you'd come in a close second.
But, here's your consolation prize your snack sack.
If I'm so unlikable, why are you always nice to me? Well, I believe the meaner a person is, the nicer you should be.
That's why I'm treating you like an emperor.
It's easy for you to be nice.
You've got each other.
I hear you laughing up here, and I'm down there all alone.
Well, if you treated people with a little kindness and respect, I'm sure you'd have lots of friends.
Be reasonable, Mindy.
Not lots; a few, maybe.
I don't mind not having friends.
I just wish I had someone to come home to.
You know, someone who needed me.
Someone who cared for me.
Someone Aw, I better say good night.
I'm beginning to sound like one of my own greeting cards.
There goes one sad earthling.
Boy, that's for sure.
What can we do to help? I don't think there's anything we can do.
People just don't want to be around that man.
We can hire someone.
No.
It doesn't work like that, Mork.
There's an there's an old Earth saying that, "There's one thing money can't buy, it's love.
" By the way, thanks for the dinner.
It stunk.
( knocking ) Oh interruptions, interruptions.
Who is it? Mindy McConnell from upstairs.
Oh, what do you want? Hi.
Can I come in? That depends.
You intend talking to me? Well, yeah In that case, no.
Mr.
Bickley, are you are you embarrassed about last night? Why should I be embarrassed? You're the one who tried to poison me.
You know what I'm talking about.
The things that you said about being lonely.
You believe that junk? I always talk that way after a couple of scotches.
As a matter of fact, I did believe it, and that's why I baked you this cake.
I want us to be friends.
There's icing on it.
Right.
I hate cake with icing.
Do you know why I hate winter in Colorado? The Rockies look like they're covered with icing.
Mr.
Bickley, how can you possibly stand here and? ( knocking ) Aw, probably some kids trying to sell me cookies with icing on them.
Hiya, Bickey.
That's Bickley! Oh, that's my friendly nickname for you.
Oh, why me? Mork, where have you been all morning? Out to disprove an old Earth saying.
Look.
( gasps ) I sprung him from an animal jail.
He was in for assaulting a fire hydrant.
Oh, great.
Now I'll have to listen to howling and barking all the time.
Oh, no, you won't, because he sings and dances.
Watch this.
Camptown races, sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! And he al and he also sings the blues.
Georgia, Georgia He's for you because I don't want you to be lonely anymore.
You mean why, that's that's the nicest thing anybody ever did for me.
( sobbing ): Buying me a stupid dog.
Oh, Mork! That was a wonderful thing you did.
What did you mean about disproving an old Earth saying? Well, that money can buy love.
Even if it's only puppy love.
I'll call him Bickey.
Sing, damn you.
Sing You can do it.
Camptown races, sing this song Pick up the beat.
Sing! Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Hey, Laser Breath.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON: What are you doing, Mork? Acting superhero-ish.
Funny, you don't look superhero-ish.
Let's hear your report.
Did you meet any interesting earthlings this week? Well, this week, I met an earthling who makes greeting cards.
Those are what humans send to people who are sick.
Why don't they just send a doctor, like we do on Ork? Oh, no, sir.
You see, doctors are worshipped here.
They don't come to see you.
You go to see them.
And they also live in luxury hotels called hospitals.
These hospitals are so overcrowded, the humans have devised a strange and unusual custom of gaining admittance.
Like what? One's called "skiing.
" They climb to the top of a huge mountain of sky flakes.
When they get there, they strap two pieces of wood to their feet, and then they slide down.
And if they're lucky, they hit a tree, and they gain admittance to a hospital.
That sounds like a lot of work.
Oh, that's nothing.
You should see how they gain admittance to a mortuary.
Well, see you next week.
Ten-four, huge buddy.
Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! Able to leap over tall buildings? Hah! Anybody can do that in zero gravity.
What's the big deal about that? They call him Superman for that? Oh, I'm perturbed.
I've got to write a letter about this.
Miss Smith, take some dictation.
( in woman's voice ): No way! All right, I'll do it myself.
Dear Superman.
Ding.
I am writing you this letter because I'm really perturbed.
Ding.
How can you call yourself a man of steel if you wear blue tights with the underwear on the outside? Ding.
Everyone knows that Krypton is the Miami Beach of the Universe.
Ding.
You're a jive turkey in red booties.
Ding.
Love, your friend, Mork from Ork.
Ding.
PS, Don't you sweat a lot, wearing two suits? Ding.
Good morning.
Oh, God bless you.
Do you know where I can get a stamp? Oh, sure, I think there's some over there in the drawer.
Ah, good.
Where are you sending a letter? Metropolis.
Well, I have to go to work early this morning, 'cause Grandma's not feeling well.
( beeps ) Shazbot! ( loud banging ) Whoa! The mice must be taking steroids.
It's that Bickley creep again.
You mean that nice man that moved in downstairs? Nice?! ( banging ) Haven't you met him yet? No, I've been too busy reading these alien newsletters.
Well, that Bickley character has been making my life miserable.
While you're safe up in your attic, he's always pounding on his ceiling which happens to be attached to my floor.
Well, you know, Mindy, one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
That's some heavy apartment philosophy and you've got to remember that.
And the worst part is, I'm not even a noisy person.
( loud banging ) I can't stand it.
Mindy, you earthlings must learn some more virtues, like being more tolerant.
We have a saying on Ork, "Tolerance is next to cowardice.
" Don't Orkans ever have any problems with unreasonable neighbors? Well, one time the planet next to us blew up, we all complained about it, and they never did it again.
Well, that's wonderful, but I don't think I can wait for his apartment to blow up.
I've been down there three times already and it hasn't done any good.
You just have to learn to adjust.
How can I adjust to constant pounding? Oh, make it fun.
Watch this.
( singing to tune of Stayin' Alive): I can tell by the way you hold your teeth You're an older man with a lot to bequeath Ah, ah I can tell by the way you take that pill You're about to sign your only will Ah, ah, ah, ah Barely alive, barely alive! Mork, I don't have happy feet, I have angry ears and that guy is really bugging me.
Oh? Well, you'll just have to be a little more acoustically understanding.
Understanding?! Well, why don't you go talk to him and see how understanding you feel.
Listen, I got to get to work.
I'll see you later, okay? Ciao.
Bye.
( sighs ) ( door slams ) ( loud banging ) No, thanks! I'll sit this one out! I give it about a 65, though! It's got a good beat, but a little hard to dance to! ( loud knocking ) Quiet up there! MORK: I'm not a ventriloquist.
I'm out here.
Oh, interruptions, interruptions Who are you? Hello, I'm Mork.
Nanu-nanu.
No, no, no, no.
Get out of here.
( loud knocking ) Oh, what is it, what is it? I'm still Mork.
I'm from upstairs.
Oh, you.
I've been wanting to talk to you, Bigfoot.
You and your noisy girlfriend have been driving me out of my mind.
What a coincidence.
She says the same thing about you.
Look, I'm trying to work down here.
It's tough enough without you guys tromping around up there.
I'd rather live under the Harlem Globetrotters.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.
What are these? Those are greeting cards.
I design and illustrate greeting cards.
What are greeting cards? A gold mine, that's what they are.
Every simple-minded idiot whose mother has a birthday can't think what to blow his last sixty cents on.
Eh, thanks to me, he can now send a simple, stupid, sappy card, filled with phony sentiment.
Oh, that sounds fantastic! Read me one.
Yeah, you probably would like this drivel.
"To my mother.
" Ew.
"Your smile to me is like the dawn" Oh, gee "Whose coming hides the darkness "and lifts the sorrow from my aching heart.
"If only I could tell you, Mother, "what your life has meant to mine, "then I could die a happy man, although it means we part.
" ( sobbing ) That's beautiful.
Garbage.
How can you say that about your own poetry? Hey, it pays the bills.
I don't have to like it.
Oh, look.
Look at the pretty bunnies.
Yeah.
A hunter I know lets me draw his rabbits before he skins them.
Here's another one.
"What is a friend?" Oh, brother "A person who is kind and just, "A person full of love and trust, "Who knows your faults but doesn't give a flying care Who, when you call, is always there.
" Yeah, I know, I know.
"A person who will e'er be true "A person who is just like you.
" ( sobbing ) Swill.
Oh, it's not only swell, it's fantastic.
Read me another one, please.
I don't want to talk to you.
Ah, but yet you are.
See how considerate you're being? I'm not being considerate.
Oh, and you're modest too.
( loud thump ) Oh, no, it's those kids again.
I can't get any work done.
Hey! Hey, kid! Yes, you! Now that was a terrific throw.
Let's see you do it again.
( sharp thud ) Oh-ho! Amazing! Do you think you can throw it to me? Ah Oh-ho! Scuzzy little yard monkey! I really ought to take these down to the orphanage and sell them.
You wonderful guy, you.
What are you talking about? I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to hide it underneath that crust, but I know, deep down inside, you're trying to save that young kid's life.
If he had taken this ball, he might have thrown it out in the street, then a truck would have come along and hit him, then he'd be in the hospital, and all of his little friends would have to send him get-well cards, and Oh, no, you're more than a wonderful guy, you're a saint! You gave up your own business just to save that little kid's life.
Hey, kid! Here's your ball! My life has been miserable ever since he moved in.
Boy, that guy sounds like a real jerk.
Oh, he's worse than that.
I don't know how I can go on living there.
I'll bet he'd pound if I dropped a hint.
You know, your mother and I moved into this apartment once, and there was somebody next door who was pounding on the walls for two days straight.
Well, finally, I had enough of it and I went next door to tell him off.
Well, did you? Nah, I couldn't.
It was a guy in traction and his nurse had died.
Oh, Dad! That did make my day.
You want me to go over and talk to him? No, I can do it.
It's just that I get so mad every time it happens.
Mm, well, you see, that's just it, Mindy.
Sometimes you have to learn how to handle these things without getting mad.
Mm, that's what Mork says.
In that case, maybe I'm wrong.
Hey, babe? Yeah? You the chick that sold me this album last week? Well, we sell that album.
Do you have a receipt? You didn't give me a receipt.
I always staple the receipt to the bag.
You didn't give me a bag, honey.
Well, what were you gonna do, listen to it on the way home? I'll handle this.
Uh, what seems to be the problem? This chick you got working for you is trying to rip me off.
I got no bag, I got no receipt, and I got a defective album.
What's wrong with it? I don't like it.
Well, you can't return an album just because you don't like it.
Well, I wouldn't return it if I did like it.
You know, I don't like your attitude.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy tolerance.
What seems to be the energy problem here? I got a defective album.
It's, uh, it's scratched.
Well, let's try and deal with this in a holistic way.
Don't itch it and let it achieve its own energy and heal itself.
I don't like your attitude.
That's because you haven't got to know my essence yet.
Tell you what.
We'll get together, we'll have cocktails, and work out our karma together.
I don't want to have cocktails with your karma.
Well, we'll get together and have a natural breakfast, lunch or dinner.
You know, I feel an incredible vibration from you.
Let's share it.
Come on, now, don't be afraid.
There we go.
You're an Aries, right? Yeah.
Fantastic! I knew it! I see an incredible potential in you.
You know, there's an amazing being in all the universe that can be and you know what? I see a potential for you in show business.
I play guitar! Fantastic! Wow, psychic! I knew it.
Have your service call my service, and be here now if not, get there later.
Ciao! Well, I have to admit that was really impressive.
Well, you just have to use kindness, that's how I overcame Mr.
Bickley.
You went down to see Bickley today? Oh, yes.
We're the best of friends now.
Oh, come on! Oh, yeah! He said stop by again real soon.
By the way, when does hell freeze over? Best of friends.
Oh, yes.
But Mindy, you have to be real considerate of him, he's getting a little old and you know, losing a little bit, because he must have asked me ten or 12 times if I wanted to take a hike.
Well, did you ever get around to talking about the noise problem? No, no, mainly we just talked about you.
He must have been a repairman at some time or another, because he keeps wanting to fix your wagon.
I bet he would, too.
Well, he's not going to get the chance.
Oh, yes, he will.
I invited him over for dinner, tonight at 8:00.
And I feel the energy's right, so I'll catch you there.
The gestalt is now.
All right, let's see.
We'll bus you into this neighborhood.
We'll put up a tenement here.
That should shock 'em.
All right, we'll move Lester Maddox off the board.
Oh, good! By the end of the game, we should have the whole place integrated.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing? Playing Supreme Court.
Well, not to change the subject, but I wish you would check with me before you go inviting anyone over here.
Oh, you mean like Mr.
Bickley? Yeah, Mr.
Bickley.
And Susan Taylor, and that Russian guy, Sergei.
Well, Mindy, there's an old Orkan saying that applies to this.
You see, if someone pounds on your ceiling because they don't like the noise you're making, invite them over for dinner.
What a wonderful saying.
Look, Mork, I don't want Bickley in my apartment.
Oh, see, there's an incredible energy right there, because he doesn't want to be in your apartment, either.
And you talked him into it? Well, it wasn't very hard.
I told him you'd fix him a nice dinner, then we'd all get together, we'd talk for Wait a minute! I'll fix him dinner?! Wow, déjà vu.
Uh-uh, you got that one wrong.
You invited him over, so you fix him dinner.
Oh, I get it.
I'll make my bed, so I've got to hang from it.
You got it.
But I don't even know how to cook.
I've never even met Julia Childs.
Well, Mork, there's an old saying on Earth: Fake it.
Oh.
Impending culinary doom.
So, what are we having for dinner tonight? Check.
Ha-ha! Check? We haven't even eaten.
Just a little off the side top ( pounding at door ) Come in, Mr.
Bickley! How did you know it was me? I'd know your pounding anywhere.
I brought you two a gift a bottle of bourbon.
Oh, how nice.
Well, thank you.
That's okay.
I always swipe a couple of these when I fly.
Oh, look, little munchkin bourbon.
I think I'd like a drink.
Oh, sure, what'll you have? Bourbon.
Uh, this is all we have.
Well, you couldn't pickle a cricket in that.
Well, I'm sorry, but we have nothing stronger than wine in the house.
What about that 20-year-old scotch your father? Mork! Shh! That's for a special occasion.
Forget it.
I hate Scotch.
It's disgusting and putrid.
Speaking of disgusting and putrid, my salad's burning.
His salad is burning? Mork has a lot of exotic recipes.
Oh, you kids sit down.
We'll start off with the appetizers.
We'll begin with a little Maalox au gratin.
A little cheese for the three of us.
A little fromage à trois.
( honking bark ) Maalox You can sit over there Maalox? Oh! All I have here are three knives! I have four.
I'm sorry, I forgot the soup forks.
Soup forks? Bonjour, Madame et Monsieur.
Welcome to Chez Mork.
Tonight's specialty was going to be the chicken in butter sauce, but that slippery sucker got away.
Monsieur, would you like to see the wine list? Yes.
LÃ -bas.
For you, smell the cap.
Ah, a very good week.
Monsieur, with this wine and a doorway, you'll have a fantastic weekend.
Now, Monsieur, for you, the specialty of the day.
There we are, là -bas.
( speaks nonsense French ) For you, here we are.
Okay BICKLEY: What's this supposed to be? ( with accent ): Le peas frozen.
You said you're always asking for "peas and quiet.
" ( laughs ) But seriously, nice to have you here.
I'll be right back.
I'll tell the chef you're here.
Yo, Al, we got people here! Start cooking, sucker! ( speaking rapid-fire gibberish ) These are delicious! What? They're not even cooked! Well, at least this way they don't lose any of their vitamins.
I think maybe I will have some of that scotch.
Oh, okay.
That's a very good idea, Monsieur.
You won't spoil your appetite that way.
Now, for the secondary course for you ( speaking nonsense French ) Le poomph! What is what's this mess? Oh, en français, le soupe, en anglais, soup.
Actually, it's a gestalt gumbo.
You see the little tiny live shrimp? I couldn't bring myself to kill them once I looked in their eyes.
I'm sorry, Monsieur.
Things aren't going too well.
I'll get the busboy to clean up the excess.
But first, a little entertainment for you.
Carl Carl, quickly, come! Feelings Nothing more than I'm sorry, Monsieur.
He's not worked since The Wizard of Oz.
We had to give him a chance.
Mm-mm! It's like a soup and sandwich, all in one.
Oh, I get it.
You two are doing this so I'll leave.
Oh, no, no.
Mork is honestly trying to cook you a good dinner.
But ( sings fanfare ) And now, Monsieur, for the spécialité de l'apartement le soufflé! Whoa, cool it! It's ready now.
I need more scotch.
Mork, are you sure you followed the recipe? Well, it called for beating eggs, and I couldn't bring myself to do that.
That settles it.
I can't take any more of this.
But you haven't taken any of it.
Let's just say I'm not hungry right now.
Oh, that's all right, we'll put it in a doggy bag.
But for you, a grouch pouch.
Mr.
Bickley, this is the first time Mork has ever cooked.
Really? I never would have guessed.
Look, Mork's dinner wasn't great, but at least he tried.
He shouldn't have.
You know, you should be more tolerant of people.
Now, we've had to put up with a lot from you lately.
Like what? Like what?! Like your constant pounding and your rudeness.
You have been making my life miserable.
I just complain a little.
It's not that bad.
It's terrible! Do you know that you're the worst neighbor I've ever had? Isn't it wonderful? You're the top of your field.
Really? I'm that bad? Well, let's just say if the Marquis de Sade were still alive, you'd come in a close second.
But, here's your consolation prize your snack sack.
If I'm so unlikable, why are you always nice to me? Well, I believe the meaner a person is, the nicer you should be.
That's why I'm treating you like an emperor.
It's easy for you to be nice.
You've got each other.
I hear you laughing up here, and I'm down there all alone.
Well, if you treated people with a little kindness and respect, I'm sure you'd have lots of friends.
Be reasonable, Mindy.
Not lots; a few, maybe.
I don't mind not having friends.
I just wish I had someone to come home to.
You know, someone who needed me.
Someone who cared for me.
Someone Aw, I better say good night.
I'm beginning to sound like one of my own greeting cards.
There goes one sad earthling.
Boy, that's for sure.
What can we do to help? I don't think there's anything we can do.
People just don't want to be around that man.
We can hire someone.
No.
It doesn't work like that, Mork.
There's an there's an old Earth saying that, "There's one thing money can't buy, it's love.
" By the way, thanks for the dinner.
It stunk.
( knocking ) Oh interruptions, interruptions.
Who is it? Mindy McConnell from upstairs.
Oh, what do you want? Hi.
Can I come in? That depends.
You intend talking to me? Well, yeah In that case, no.
Mr.
Bickley, are you are you embarrassed about last night? Why should I be embarrassed? You're the one who tried to poison me.
You know what I'm talking about.
The things that you said about being lonely.
You believe that junk? I always talk that way after a couple of scotches.
As a matter of fact, I did believe it, and that's why I baked you this cake.
I want us to be friends.
There's icing on it.
Right.
I hate cake with icing.
Do you know why I hate winter in Colorado? The Rockies look like they're covered with icing.
Mr.
Bickley, how can you possibly stand here and? ( knocking ) Aw, probably some kids trying to sell me cookies with icing on them.
Hiya, Bickey.
That's Bickley! Oh, that's my friendly nickname for you.
Oh, why me? Mork, where have you been all morning? Out to disprove an old Earth saying.
Look.
( gasps ) I sprung him from an animal jail.
He was in for assaulting a fire hydrant.
Oh, great.
Now I'll have to listen to howling and barking all the time.
Oh, no, you won't, because he sings and dances.
Watch this.
Camptown races, sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! And he al and he also sings the blues.
Georgia, Georgia He's for you because I don't want you to be lonely anymore.
You mean why, that's that's the nicest thing anybody ever did for me.
( sobbing ): Buying me a stupid dog.
Oh, Mork! That was a wonderful thing you did.
What did you mean about disproving an old Earth saying? Well, that money can buy love.
Even if it's only puppy love.
I'll call him Bickey.
Sing, damn you.
Sing You can do it.
Camptown races, sing this song Pick up the beat.
Sing! Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Hey, Laser Breath.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON: What are you doing, Mork? Acting superhero-ish.
Funny, you don't look superhero-ish.
Let's hear your report.
Did you meet any interesting earthlings this week? Well, this week, I met an earthling who makes greeting cards.
Those are what humans send to people who are sick.
Why don't they just send a doctor, like we do on Ork? Oh, no, sir.
You see, doctors are worshipped here.
They don't come to see you.
You go to see them.
And they also live in luxury hotels called hospitals.
These hospitals are so overcrowded, the humans have devised a strange and unusual custom of gaining admittance.
Like what? One's called "skiing.
" They climb to the top of a huge mountain of sky flakes.
When they get there, they strap two pieces of wood to their feet, and then they slide down.
And if they're lucky, they hit a tree, and they gain admittance to a hospital.
That sounds like a lot of work.
Oh, that's nothing.
You should see how they gain admittance to a mortuary.
Well, see you next week.
Ten-four, huge buddy.
Nanu-nanu.