S#*! My Dad Says s01e15 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
What the hell happened to Paula Abdul? She looks terrible.
Dad, that's Steven Tyler.
Oh.
He looks good.
Oh, my God, what happened to Oprah? She looks terrible.
That's Randy Jackson.
Oh.
He looks good.
Hey.
Hey, how was open house? Eh, a couple of nibbles.
What the hell is on your lip? I have a rash, so I couldn't shave above my lip this morning.
I just can't believe how fast it grows in.
Yeah, it's a family trait.
We all grow moustaches really fast.
Ed, I've never seen you with a moustache.
No, that hair thing is from his mother's side.
More specifically, his mother.
It's not just her side.
I can grow a moustache too.
Please.
You know something, you can't grow any facial hair at all.
I bei cagrow a more killer moustache than you.
Care to make this interesting? Please, somebody make it interesting.
Hello, ed, it's Rosemary pernworth, your next-door neighbor.
Rosemary, I knew you'd come back.
Most women do after they kiss me.
First of all, I did not kiss you.
You kissed me.
Oh, just joking.
A little tongue in cheek.
Like you were doing when you kissed me.
Again, you kissed me.
But I'd rather not talk about that.
My lips are sealed.
Unlike yours When you kissed me.
Anyway, I would rather not spend more time here than I need to.
I'm here to bring you some things that you could find useful as the new president of the fleetridge homeowners' association.
Here are the keys to our closet at city hall.
Good-bye.
- You'll be back.
- No, I won't.
All right, the little one goes to the cabinet where we store the town nativity scene, although we're not allowed to display it anymore, but we can't figure out a respectful way of disposing of it.
And the square one is my locker Oh, at curves.
I'll take that.
And no one knows what the blue one is for, but we don't want to throw it out.
Good-bye.
- You'll be back.
- No, I won' The first homeowners' association meeting is tomorrow night at your house.
As vice president, I have to be there.
Other than that, I am done with you.
You'll be back.
I will not.
I accidentally gave you my house key.
I hereby call this meeting of the fleetridge homeowners' association to order.
Present are ed goodson, Rosemary pernworth, Marvin dingle, and Irving and ting-ting Cohen.
How odd.
What are the chances of you and your nurse having the same last name? Nurse.
I'm his wife.
He's my boo.
Oh, forgive me, I didn't realize he was your boo.
Let the record show that I apologized to boo and ting-ting Cohen.
So noted.
Mr.
president, the floor is yours.
Thank you, madame secretary.
Marvin is fine.
There have been many rumors about my presidency That I bribed someone, that I kissed the vice president.
Let me assure you that only one of these things are true, and I didn't bribe anyone.
You know, we're trying to have a meeting.
Marvin, would you please bring up the first item of business? Okay, the gloucester house restoration party is Friday.
We'll need representation from the homeowners' association.
Typically, that would be the president.
No.
Meeting adjourned.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
Someone has to be there.
Who's free Friday night? We can't.
It's shabbat.
Fine.
Fine.
I'll go.
I just have to shuffle some things.
I have things.
I'll go too.
I don't have things.
So moved.
Meeting adjourned.
Wait.
Hold on.
We haven't even gotten to new business.
I would like to bring up the issue of putting a speed bump on pine Lane.
Negative.
That's my street.
Meeting adjourned.
That is my street too.
And maniacs barrel down there at 60 Miles an hour.
It's not safe.
Well, it's not safe for me to hit a speed bump going 60 Miles an hour.
You know, maybe for once you could do something for somebody else, but I guess ed goodson doesn't do anything that inconveniences him.
Let'put to a vote.
All in favor of putting a speed bump on pine? All but ed: Aye.
Where's my foot? Okay, 3 1/2 in favor.
All opposed? So moved.
Speed bump will be installed on pine Lane.
Good.
I'll go next door and get the paperwork.
Meeting adjourned.
This could have been embarrassing.
I almost wore the same outfit.
So that Rosemary's a hot number, huh? - Yeah.
- Between you and me, I've been working on her since her husband passed away five years ago.
And I'm finally gonna ask her out at the house restoration party.
Between you and me, I'm gonna nail her.
That's terrible.
Anyway, how do we undo this speed bump thing? Well, you're the president.
I guess you could just veto it, but that's kind of a real jerky thing to do.
Yeah, it is.
I hereby veto the speed bump.
Hey, anybody need any sweeping done? 'Cause I just got a new push broom.
Let me see.
Holy super Mario.
I know.
Doesn't he look exactly like tom Selleck from the nose down and the lip up? You want to just pay me now? Hey, hey.
It hasn't been a week yet.
Trust me, this baby's gonna sprout over night, and when it does, it's gonna look like one of those time-lapse nature videos.
Yours isn't even a moustache.
It's a blueprint for where a moustache might one day be built.
We'll see in a week.
Who's gonna be the judge? Where the hell is the febreze? I got to get some ting-ting off my couch-couch.
Dad, we need you to judge us.
Fine.
You're both disappointments.
Oh, I'm rry, people, this took me so long.
I couldn't find the papers.
Here you go.
Where where is everybody? The meeting broke up.
When? - How long have you been gone? - 30 minutes.
29 1/2 minutes ago.
Well, good for you.
Well, your first meeting.
What did you think of ting-ting and Irving? Quite a pair.
Yes, I think he bought them for her.
Want to go upstairs? Why? What's upstairs? My bed.
I'll take the dent in the middle.
You can have the high ground.
That's hilarious.
I'm serious.
Let's go upstairs and have some adult fun.
- Oh, ed.
- What's the problem? You're pretty.
There's chemistry.
We're neighbors, so it's a very short walk of shame home.
Well, that well may be, ed, but I am n gonna just jump in bed with you.
Why not? It'll be fun.
We can role-play.
We could be Irving and ting-ting.
I'll let you be Irving.
Look, I'm not that kind of woman.
Are you serious? I need to be courted.
Hey, listen, I've been married three times.
And each one of them took me to court.
I'm done courting.
Well, I still believe in romance.
I hear you talking.
You can be ting-ting.
Ed, I'm not gonna just go upstairs with someone I barely know just to have some fun for a couple of hours.
Couple of hours? You planning on watching a movie afterwards? Gosh.
You're really selling it.
Hey, life is short.
You've got to grab the good times while you can.
Rosemary.
Well, ed, to me, the good times happen when you really care about somebody.
Otherwise, it's meaningless.
All right, let's split the difference.
We'll have sex and regret it afterwards.
You know, this is a perfect example of the difference between you and I.
You are the guy who wants to barrel down the street at 60 Miles an hour to get to your destination as fast as you can, and I want to go slowly and enjoy the journey along the way, leave my left turn signal on for Miles, and Miles and Miles, as my daughter constantly points out.
- I'm not gonna beg.
- Well, good.
I will bribe.
For goodness' sake, just sign this paper so we can get our speed bump.
The speed bump is not gonna happen.
- We voted on it.
- I vetoed.
Why? Because I wouldn't sleep with you? No.
I did it beforehand when I still thought I had a chance.
But it shows you what kind of an honorable man I am.
Let's go upstairs and celebrate.
You are not an honorable man.
You're a selfish man! Why don't you just go upstairs, lie in your dent, and play with your ting-ting.
So what are you doing? A load of your beige, gray under-over-things.
Let me ask you a question.
You're a woman, right? Well, if I'm not, I'm wasting a lot of money at the gynecologist.
What do you want, ed? Why do you think Rosemary wants me to court her? Honestly, ed, I have no idea.
I mean, she acknowledged th she was attracted to , and when I offered to take her upstairs, she said no.
It's very confusing.
She wants you to court her.
That's what she said.
Who courts at my age? - It's romantic.
- It's stupid.
Don't you want a woman who's romantic? No.
Well, what do you want in a woman? - Me.
- Ugh.
Ugh.
Ed, ed, what traits do you want in a woman? I'm not picky.
Two legs and a working eye.
And the eye's negotiable.
Well, then, what's wrong with Rosemary? She said no.
Well, then, romance her, take her out.
Buy her flowers.
Sweep her off her feet.
You could start by buying some new clothes.
I don't want to romance her.
Why not? I don't wanna.
The real reason.
I don't wanna.
- The real reason.
- I don't want to romance her.
You know what I think? I think you're afraid to put your heart on the line, because you really like this woman, and you know if something starts, then you're in deep, and the last few times you've done that, you've been burned.
And I think you're afraid to let that happen again.
- That's not it at all.
- Mm.
I don't care about this woman.
I just want somebody to be an Irving to my ting-ting.
You don't care about this woman, ed? In all the years I've known you, this is the first woman you've even asked about, and there's been many of them.
- Many.
- All right.
All right.
Blagh.
Blagh.
All right, ed, what I'm saying is, if she wasn't special to you, would we even be having this conversation? You don't know what you're talking about.
Mind your own business.
Okay.
Where do we go to buy new clothes? Let's get the hell out of here.
Ed, you have to keep an open mind.
This is a very trendy store.
I'm sure you'll find something you like.
I think I see something over there.
All right, I'm just gonna see if they have this skirt in my size.
You know, just for fun.
How much for a lap dance? Ed, ed, what what are you doing? I saw something I liked A stripper.
She's not a stripper.
She works here.
Ed, you've got to stop objectifying women.
It's off-putting.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
Two, four, six, eight.
Whoa, whowhoo!Oa, and they're all there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can I help you? Yes, we're looking for some men's clothing.
Although if you can't find any, I doubt if I can either.
Well, I would start out with the pants.
Maybe something a little less that.
And a little more something like like this? I'm not paying $100 for a pair of pants that are ripped.
They're not ripped.
They're distressed.
It makes them cost more.
In that case, I'm wearing an $80 pair of underwear.
Look, why don't I just let you two figure this out? Ed, what is wrong with you? I thought you wanted me to help you.
I don't see why I have to look like a gay homeless man in order to prove that I like this woman.
If she doesn't like me for who I am, maybe she's not worth it.
Ed, think about it, if she did like you for who you are, would you trust her judgment? Good point.
, yeah.
There it is.
It's not a moustache, okay? It's just the light hitting your peach fuzz.
Trust me, I have this conversation with Bonnie all the time.
Oh, crap, I can't afford a ticket right now.
Okay, okay, relax, relax.
My friend Chris used to get out of tickets all the time.
- Great.
How? - She'd cry and show her boobs.
My shirt's tucked in.
You just ran that stop sign.
License and registration, please.
I'm sorry, officer.
I was just talking to my brother, and we You know what? Don't worry about it.
Those things are hard to see.
Just be careful next time.
Oh, thank you, officer.
Nice 'stache.
I hear that.
You're not wearing your seat belt.
That's a $50 fine.
Hey.
Nice party.
Ed.
What are you doing here, and why are you dressed like captain stubing? I'm courting you.
Oh, you think you can just come here and win me over by dressing up like a handsome sailor? Is it working? A little bit.
Go on.
Well, my daughter-in-law said, if you care about someone, you got to make the effort.
So she took me to this trendy clothing store and tried to get me to buy some ridiculous clothes that no self-respecting man over the age of 20 would be caught dead in.
Hello, Rosemary.
Jealous much? Anyway, if you're willing to give it a shot, I'm willing to take it slow.
Are you serious? Give you my word as an officer and a gentleman.
Well, I'm impressed and, I must say, a little surprised.
Well, actually, I have a surprise for you tonight that I'd like to show you.
- What is it? - Trust me.
You'll like it.
What are you drinking? Well, I wouldn't say no to a glass of chardonnay.
Unless it wanted to sleep with you.
Rosemary, would Would you like to dance? But there's no music playing, Marvin.
I hate myself so much right now.
Anyway, I'm waiting for ed.
He apparently has some kind of surprise for me.
Oh, boy.
That's a killer.
- What? - I can't say.
It's guy code.
He said he was gonna sleep with you.
- He did? - No, he didn't.
He said he was gonna nail you.
He told you that? I've said too much.
Nail you good, Rosemary.
Oh, here he comes, but you didn't hear that from me.
That he said he was gonna nail you.
One chardonnay.
Here's to taking it slow.
So what's the surprise you have for me? Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise.
Let's just say you have to drive home with me tonight in order to see it.
Well, I have a little surprise myself.
I never want to speak to you again.
- What? - Good-bye, ed.
Hmm.
Oh, no.
No, he tried to lure me back to his house.
Claimed he had some kind of surprise for me.
The only surprise was that I fell for it.
So stupid.
Do you think I'm stupid? Ma'am, this service is for directions and emergencies only.
It is an emergency.
My neighbor's a complete ass Holy smokes.
Are you okay? What happened? That was the surprise.
He put in a speed bump.
Damn.
That was awful.
What happened? All these years, I still don't understand women.
I guess the best thing to do is to treat 'em like cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving.
Take a spoonful and quickly pass it on to the next guy.
Wow, ed, on behalf of women everywhere, yuck.
See, the thing is, I really liked her.
That's why I don't put myself out there with women.
What was that for? Putting in the speed bump.
I drove over it.
That's why I'm covered in milkshake.
I know.
I checked it out myself.
I can still do 45 without bottoming out my impala.
If you still want to, I'd be happy for you to court me.
It would be my honor.
Okay.
I'll go home and get changed.
And then you can begin courting.
Congratulations, ed.
Looks like you nailed it.
Have you no respect? That is the woman I'm courting.
Wow, you really do look like your mother.
Henry, come on, it's time! All right.
Came in last night, and it looks mean.
Come on.
Let's just see it.
All right.
Here we go.
Whoa.
Now, dad, who wins? How'd you know it was fake? I didn't.