My Name is Earl s01e15 Episode Script

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me somethin'bad was always waitin'around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
Randy and I usually avoid exercise at all costs but sometimes there's no way around it.
Can we take another break? I'm having trouble getting air into my mouth and down to my stomach.
Running out of gas was karma telling me it's time to do number 62 on my list.
A while back, Randy and I came across the only car on the trailer park without a locking gas cap.
For about a month before I won the lottery and stopped stealing that Yugo was like our own personal Texaco.
The first time we did it, we used garbage bags.
Oh! Then we found out gas eats through garbage bags.
Oh! Eventually, we learned to put it in cans, which we still had.
So we filled 'em up and headed over to the trailer park - to return the gas and cross it off the list.
- Hey, Crab Man.
Hey, Earl.
What you doin'? Just looking for a car I stole gas from.
What's with all the magazines? Joy found my stash of Classy Ass, and she's making me get rid of them.
Man, that's a lot of Classy Ass.
I bet that's even more than the president has.
- Hey, dummy.
- Hey.
Darnell, I'm missin' February '04 from this stack.
You better not be hidin' it.
It's behind the pretend fireplace.
I'll go get it.
Darnell, I don't know why you want to look at that Miss February tramp anyway when you got all this right here.
Darnell, you better look at my boobs when I'm talkin' about 'em.
- Let's go.
- Come on! Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second? I don't vote, I already have a religion, and I hate whales.
No, no.
It's about your car.
- My name's Earl Hickey, and I stole gas from you.
- I never stole gas from you.
No, I stole your gas.
Look, I have a list- Will you please turn that thing off? Give it to me.
Okay? There.
See? Nice.
Now we can talk.
Hey! Hey! Hey, what are you doing with my garment pins? - Put my pins back! - I wasn't gonna keep 'em.
I'm just playin' Daddy Long Fingers.
Hey, calm down! Put the- Put the rock down! Look, see, I have this list- And you want me to sponsor you by donating a dollar.
- What? No.
What I was gonna say is- - You need directions.
- I don't have time.
- I have a list of bad things I've done.
That rug is very dirty 'cause it's gray.
I should've got the brown one.
- That's the color of dirt, but I wasn't thinkin'.
- I siphoned gas from you! - When? - About this time last year.
But I'm bringin' the gas back, see? Randy, start unloading the gas.
I did you wrong, but now I'm makin' up for it.
So, do you forgive me? Can I cross you off my list? Fine.
Whatever.
Thank you.
Man, that guy was annoying, huh? Kinda like when you bite the inside of your cheek, and it swells up and you keep bitin' it and bitin' it and bitin' it.
- Your cheek still hurtin' you, Earl? - Yeah, a little.
Thanks for askin'.
Get out of the road! - What the hell? - Moron! What are you doin'? I'm gonna get hit by a car.
I'm killing myself.
Is it because you're annoying? I bet it's because you're annoying.
It's because if you hadn't been stealing my gas - I'd be dead already.
- What are you talkin' about? It ends up the month Randy and I kept stealin'gas was the same month this guy kept tryin' to kill himself with car exhaust.
Only he never had enough gas to do it.
Even though he got close, the car always died before he did.
Ah, nuts! After a couple weeks, he finally gave up.
Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Do you know how many times I've vomited without getting the benefit of dying? Seven? No, eight.
Forty-seven? This entire time I think that God is intervening and saving me for something real special, but instead I'm just getting screwed by a couple of thieves.
Maybe God was saving you to be screwed by thieves.
And when there was only one set of footsteps maybe God was carrying you- to be screwed by thieves.
Randy.
Can we just talk about what you're doin'? I mean, there's- A law against killing myself? Yeah, I don't really care.
What are they gonna do, give me a ticket when I'm dead? - There's a car coming.
You gotta move.
- "No kidding, officer.
- It's easy to remain silent, cause I'm dead!" - A car is coming! I'm killing myself, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Nuts! It's fine, Earl.
The carpet will protect him.
- Randy, I think we need to help this guy.
- I say we don't.
You already crossed him off your list.
I saw you do it.
- We don't have to help him.
- We don't technically have to help him.
But we can't just walk away.
What are we supposed to do stand here and watch him get run over? No, I don't want to see it.
But if we get in our car and hear a thump and a scream, that's none of our business.
I'm sorry, Randy.
I can't explain it.
This whole list thing has me feelin' things I've never felt before.
- I can't just walk away from the guy.
- Then let's run, Earl.
Let's run away from him.
We could make it a race.
It'll be fun.
Look, he's not that bad.
Hey, buddy, today's your lucky day.
I'm gonna help you find a reason to live.
You know, uh, most people cover their mouths when they do that.
Findin'someone a reason to live isn't something I've ever had to do before, especially someone I hardly knew.
So, suicide guy- Philo.
Philo, uh, why do you want to kill yourself? 'Cause I don't have a job, I don't have any friends I live in a trailer with no heat, I fail at everything, and my feet hurt.
You ever try different shoes? I gotta go tinkle.
"Tinkle.
" That is so stupid.
I wonder what he calls goin' ploppies.
Man, that guy is a drag.
Is he someone on your list? He was, but I crossed him off, so I'm finished with him.
- But I'm helping him anyway.
- Why? I don't know.
Guy wants to kill himself.
I can't just walk away from him.
Are you gonna start helpin' people that aren't on your list now? 'Cause if you do, we'll never finish it and get back to stealing again.
You don't really understand my list, do you, Randy? No.
Not really.
Oh, hi, guys.
Would either one of you mind picking up that broken pipe and beating me to death with it? - Randy, put it down.
- But, Earl, he said he wanted me to- Put it down! I realized if I was gonna keep Philo from killing himself it wasn't enough tojust babysit him.
I needed to find a way to lift his spirits and get him out ofhis funk.
First I tried small talk.
That's a real interesting birthmark you got on the back of your neck.
My mom hit me with a curling iron.
I had spilled cereal on the carpet.
Didn't even have milk in it.
Hmm.
So your mom wears her hair curly, huh? When small talk didn't work we tried showin'him other ways to have fun- You know, like motel hockey.
- Randy! - That was a clean hit.
Nothin'was workin: and since suicide is a serious thing I thought I should consult an expert.
Since experts write books, I went to the bookstore a place I had only been once before.
Hey.
! Come back here.
! Excuse me, sir.
Uh, do you people have anything here like a book a guy can use to keep a guy from killing himself? We have Self-Esteem For Dummies, but I think that's sold out.
Try the self-help section.
Oh, and we also have a large selection of Books on Tape.
What do you mean, like, sticky? Cassette tape.
It's a book but the author reads it to you on tape.
Book on tape.
Wow.
It doesn't get any more futuristic than that, huh? Well, actually it does.
You can download the books directly to your iPod now.
iPod, huh? What is that, some sort of space capsule or something? Think I got it.
It's a book on tape called Something to Live For.
I also got a novel version of Road House read by Patrick Swayze.
The best cooler in the business? This'll be great.
Books are written by smart people - and smart people know how to fix problems.
- No, thanks.
Come on, Philo.
I'm tryin' to save your life.
Catalina, hold up.
I need to ask you a favor.
I got this guy who, uh- Well, he needs something to live for.
I am not sleeping with that man.
No, no.
Of course you're not.
I know that.
Just make out with him a little.
No.
I can smell him from here.
It's okay.
I'm not interested.
I already got a girl I love.
She's hot.
- Wait.
You love a girl? - Yeah, but she hates me- or she would if she met me.
- I don't even know her name.
- Excuse me.
I'm hot.
You're okay, but compared to my girl, you look like one of those things from The Lord of the Rings that crawled out of the ground, attacked the castle.
This uniform is not flattering.
You should see me in jeans and a bra.
Ewoks.
Those are called Ewoks.
Randy, this could be it.
If we can get this girl Philo likes to like him it'll give him something to live for, and we won't have to watch him every second of every day.
I'll get the hook.
After we fished Philo out of the bottom of the pool we cleaned him up and got him ready to go meet who we hoped would be his new girlfriend.
It finally felt like I might actually get him out of our lives and I could go back to only helping people on my list.
- That-That's the girl you love? - Yeah.
Oh, please.
Victoria's Secret is just as bad.
Just 'cause they're classy doesn't mean they're not still whores! Son of a bitch.
I don't know why you want a Prius when you got a Maserati right here.
You loveJoy? Joy.
Classy name for a classy lady.
Sometimes I watch her do laundry.
So hot.
Look, you can't ask Joy out on a date.
She's married.
Oh, but she's always yelling at her husband.
I know she's not happy.
Well, that's her happy.
She's just a bitch.
You know I love Darnell, but if it'll get this guy out of our lives maybe we should consider, you know, killin' Darnell.
Randy, we're not killin' Darnell.
- I knew this wasn't gonna work.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No.
H- Hold on now.
I-I think this could work.
Let me talk toJoy.
Randy, take him back to the motel.
All right, Philo, would you rather- Sit in the back of the truck 'cause you hate me.
- No, what I was gonna say is- - That you hate me.
I had to ride in the trunk once.
It was raining- Pizza or burgers? Pizza or burgers? Pizza! Pizza! We're gettin' pizza! - I like burgers.
- Too bad.
You may think me asking my ex-wife for help was crazy but sometimes you gotta fight crazy with crazy.
I wasn't flirting with her, Joy.
She's a Girl Scout.
- I like Slim Mints.
- Well, you ain't gettin' 'em, 'cause she ain't comin' back.
Not after what I did to her bicycle.
Hey, Crab Man.
I was lookin' to have a word with Joy.
Hey, Earl.
Come on in.
We're just fightin'.
Joy's jealous.
I am not jealous.
You're the one that should be jealous.
I can't even walk down the street without guys offerin' to do me.
I take that as a compliment.
I don't get jealous.
That is a lie.
Everybody gets jealous.
Hell, even frogs get jealous.
I saw that on TV.
That's what all that croaking's about.
What do you want? I could tell it wasn't the best time but I asked Joy my favor anyway.
I figured if she'd sit down with Philo and tell him that she would date him if she weren't already married, it might give him enough hope in the future to stop tryin'to kill himself.
At least long enough for me to walk away.
Tell that little doofus to meet me on Friday at the Crab Shack.
Really? Thanks, Joy.
This is a big help.
Oh, and I hear you're wearin' underwear again.
Good for you.
Doesn't get jealous, huh? Boys, get Mama's plastic stripper shoes out of your Lego box.
When the big day arrived, I was feelin'nervous.
It seemed like we were close to finally gettin'rid of Philo and I didn't want anything to go wrong.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.
Need a few beers.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Boss said I can't serve you until you fix that pipe in the bathroom.
It sprays people when they flush.
Luckily, only a few people that flushed so far.
- You're breathin' loud.
- That's because you made me use toothpaste.
It makes the sores in my mouth sting.
You that weird guy that likes to watch me take my underwear off my clothesline? - One of them.
Yes, ma'am.
- Beat it, Randy.
- I hear you have a crush on me.
- Yes.
Hmm.
That's nice.
Do me a favor? Put your hand on my leg right here and just kind of rub it around.
Like that.
No, this side.
Okay.
You like that, darlin'? Huh? 'Cause I shaved above the knee today.
- So much better than a doll.
- Hmm.
Get your hands off my wife.
What's the matter with you? I thought you didn't getjealous.
Guess I was wrong.
'Cause my heart feels like there's blood gushing in and out of it.
- That's what a heart's supposed to do.
- Shut up! Oh, baby.
That's how my heart feels.
That's all I needed to hear.
I'm so sorry.
Uh- Um, I thought we were on a date.
It was a date.
But not all dates are good ones, honey.
Sometimes it ends up with your sweetie doin' a black man in the bathroom.
Come on.
What are you doin' here? Where's Philo? - He's gone.
I blew him off.
- Damn it, Joy.
I told you he's suicidal.
Come on, Randy.
I wanted to find Philo as fast as I could but we had to stop for gas.
It made sense.
I'd stolen gas more than once.
Karma was payin'me back more than once.
We gotta stop, Earl.
I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth.
Sorry, Randy.
We can't.
We gotta get to a gas station.
I'm not lettin' Philo die on my watch.
And then I saw the thing I feared the most.
- Hi, Earl.
- Holy Moses! You scared the crap out of me.
I thought you were dead.
Dead? Why would I be dead? You crack me up, Earl.
I was just listening to this tape you gave me.
- I don't have a cassette player in the house.
- I thought you killed yourself.
- Kill- - Doesn't that give you something to live for? Why would I kill myself? That's crazy.
Is it? The woman you love just blew you off and two days ago you tried to kill yourself 'cause a squirrel looked at you wrong.
I know.
But that was before I had friends.
Excuse me? Yeah.
I mean there's no reason to kill myself now that I got friends.
If he has friends, how come they haven't been helping instead of us? I think he means us, Randy.
That's when I realized that while Randy and I were tryin'to find him a reason to live he found it on his own- us, his new friends.
Hey, why don't you guys come in and watch my old wrestling tapes from high school? I wasn't on the team or nothin', but me and my sister had some real close matches.
I know you don't understand why, Randy, but I gotta go inside.
- If you want to take the car- - I'll go in there with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
That guy didn't kill himself 'cause of us, Earl and that's kinda cool.
Makes me feel weird in my stomach, but I like it.
Is that why you wanna help him - 'cause of that weird feeling in your stomach? - I guess it is.
Hey, come on.
I cleaned all the junk off the couch.
I found a real big blanket we can sit under.
How long you think we need to be his friends? - I'm not sure.
- I still don't like him, Earl.
I know, Randy.
I don't like him either.