Rita Rocks (2008) s01e15 Episode Script
It's My Party
chew before you swallow.
What did I just say? Hey, Mom.
So, here's a guest list for my birthday party.
Oh, that's great, honey, except you had your birthday party last month.
But it was so much fun.
Don't you want to have more than one birthday a year? No, no, no.
I already lie about the ones I have.
Then we'll have a party for Yoda.
I am not throwing a birthday party for a dog.
Especially one that just scooted his butt across my bedroom carpet.
Okay.
Then, can I have a cookie? No, honey.
You'll spoil your dinner.
But I'm starving.
Here.
Have some celery.
I'm not hungry enough to eat celery.
Hey most of my family.
Hey, sweetie.
How was work? She asked, hoping he wouldn't give too much detail.
"Fine," he said, hoping she won't share her day either.
All right, I'm gonna go check the dryer.
She said, hoping someone might volunteer to help her, knowing it was a long shot.
Ooh, all right.
Cookies.
Can I have a cookie, too? Sure.
Thanks.
Oh, look at that.
The frosting's in the shape of Florida.
That's fun.
Shannon, I said no cookies.
But Daddy gave it to me.
Jay.
Honey, she didn't say you said no.
Shannon, honey, don't do that again.
Okay, sorry.
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
She manipulates you, defies me, and you say, "Don't do it again"? No, no, no.
Go to your room.
I mean Honey, it was just a cookie.
It was just a cookie.
And yesterday it was just an extra hour of TV.
And the day before that, it was just Hallie borrowing the car keys without asking.
Sweetie, you are always letting the kids get away with stuff and I am tired of it.
Is there any way I can just fold laundry and end this? No.
I am tired of always being the bad cop around here.
You are their father and you need to give them some discipline.
I need you to step up to the plate and help me out here.
I know, honey.
It's just, you know, I'm really tired from work.
But I know, not as tired as you because your job is never done, yet you always find time to teach me things.
I'll work on it.
Thank you.
Can I finish my cookie? I don't care what you eat.
Well, it's official.
Thanks to my mother, all of my friends, except me, are going to the dorm party at Wayne State tonight.
I may as well shave my head and join a monastery.
Could you start with a vow of silence? This is so unfair.
I mean, my friend Colleen, who I've known, like, forever, it's her sister's dorm.
Yeah.
You mentioned that.
Remember, then I said, "You're 16 years old and you're too young to be hanging out at a college dorm.
" You are too young! To be hanging out at a college dorm! Young lady! Okay, you know, you can relax and get the next one.
I handled this yesterday.
Okay.
No cookies before dinner! RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC Ugh.
Too many cookies before dinner.
Why didn't you stop me, Yoda? (groaning) (barking) What is it? All right.
Come out.
I got a weapon.
And a killer dog.
(screaming) Hallie, what are you doing in there? I'm just getting a little snack.
Night.
Get back here.
You went to that college party, didn't you? Well, what choice did I have? I mean, all my friends were there and Mom was being totally unreasonable, so So you snuck out? And nothing bad happened and I'm fine, so I was kinda right about the whole thing.
Night.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
If something happened to you, your mother and I wouldn't have even known.
Well, Kip was with me, so there was nothing to worry about.
Okay, those two sentences don't even go together.
Okay, you're right.
It won't happen again.
I'm really sorry.
Okay, no.
If you think that you can just apologize and everything's fine, you're wrong.
You're grounded for two weeks.
Oh, come on.
You know what? You could've been killed out there.
Three weeks.
And no TV, no computer, and no cell phone.
Hand it over.
And Kip doesn't set foot in this house.
Jeez, I said I was sorry! What's going on down here? Sorry for what? She snuck out and went to that dorm party.
Hallie, I told you you couldn't go.
You are so grounded.
Honey, already on it.
Mom, if I could just explain Don't try to work your mother against me.
We're a team.
Yeah.
Four weeks.
A month? A month? And no driving.
Now, go upstairs and ask yourself if it was worth it.
Go.
Eye rolling just bought you another week, missy! Ahhh! (chuckling) And you're welcome.
Hmm? See that? What's wrong? No, nothing.
No, you did terrific.
Three, two, one It's just that, I feel like five weeks might be a bit much.
Excuse me? You were the one who told me to step up to the plate.
And what about all this stuff about having each other's back? No, you're right, you're right.
I mean, she definitely deserved to get grounded for what she did.
It's just I got your back.
I got your back.
Okay.
So, uh, I guess I'm a lot tougher than you thought, huh? That you are.
How you feeling? I'm fine.
But if anybody ever breaks into the house, that dog is worthless.
(phone ringing) Jay, can you get that? Somebody? Anybody who lives in this house? Oh, for the love of Pete.
Hello? Yeah, hey, Sherry.
No, no.
Hallie can't answer the phone because she's grounded.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Okay, I'll pass it on.
Bye.
Hello? There's no one there.
Did you get it? Yeah, like, a half hour ago.
Where were you running from? Our house isn't that big.
I've been answering the phone for Hallie all day.
That was Sherry, saying if Skylar calls, don't say anything about Greg because they might be breaking up.
I can't believe I was paying enough attention to remember that.
I can't believe I stood here and actually listened to it.
And I'm mildly interested.
Who was that? It was Sherry.
If Skylar calls, don't say anything about Greg.
They may be breaking up.
Unbeli Every year, you forget our children's birthdays, but that sticks? This is so unfair.
Life on the outside's going on without me.
You made your point.
Can we just end this? I mean, it's been, like, an eternity.
Honey, it's been 12 hours.
And you slept for nine of those, so There's nothing to do up there.
I can only comb my hair so much.
Honey, read.
Do a crossword puzzle.
Find a hobby.
You know, things people did before computers.
God, Dad, we don't live on a farm.
I can't believe everyone in the olden days didn't just kill themselves.
We tried, but, you know, we only had sticks and rocks, so Honey, look, you did the crime.
Now you're doing the time.
That's life.
Hallie, time to take me to piano.
Sorry, can't.
Grounded.
I forgot.
Damn.
Well, one of us is gonna have to take her and I have band practice.
Band practice without Kip? Oh, that's right.
He's not allowed to come down here.
Aw, band practice is my only joy in life.
I mean, you guys are good, too.
So, who's going to take me to piano? Well, I got basketball in a half hour, but I can be a little late.
(Rita groaning) (phone ringing) Really? 'Cause I got it.
Hello? Hey, Savannah.
No, she can't come to the phone.
She's grounded.
What can I do for you? Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
None of this makes sense to me.
I didn't watch Gossip Girl last night.
Okay, studiers.
I got some brain food to help you concentrate.
Processed cheese with some meat by-product substitutes.
Enjoy.
Oh, Mom, Carrie can't have dairy and Steph's gluten intolerant, so can you make them something else? No, no, no.
I get that.
I'm intolerant of a couple things myself.
Hey, guys, how about some celery? That should hold you off till you get home.
Back to your bubble.
(drums playing, cymbals crashing) Hey, Patty.
Who's your little friend? Well, since Kip can't come over and we don't want to miss any more rehearsals, I found us a drummer to fill in.
Hi, I'm Jessie.
Hey, Jessie.
I'm Rita.
Good to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
So, how long you been drumming? I've actually never played before.
But I've always wanted to, and, uh, Patty said I could.
(laughing) Yeah.
Jessie? Jessie? Jessie? Jessie? Jessie? Yeah, that'd be great if I needed rain or something, but I'm gonna You know what? I'm gonna take a little band meeting real quick.
Just a quick little band meeting.
What is going on? Okay, okay, okay.
I met Jessie at the gym.
He's a trainer.
I bought six sessions, got tired after two.
So I've been parading him around ever since.
Yeah, but he can't play drums.
Who cares? Look at him.
You know what, ladies? If I'm gonna be a part of this band, we're gonna have to make some changes.
First off, we start out every practice with a five mile jog.
Second, we clean all this crap out of your refrigerator.
That means no sugar, no soda, and no beer.
Get out.
I'm sorry.
That was rude.
Nice to meet you.
Get out.
Okay, wait.
Jessie Jessie, um, just wait for me in the car 'cause I'll be right there.
All right.
Just wait for me in the car.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on one second.
I just need to feel these.
Right there.
And now you can go.
You can go, Jessie.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I gotta roll, too.
Um, I got 20 minutes left with Jessie.
We're going to accidentally bump into my ex.
(squealing) Hey! It's nice to see the kids studying in there.
Shut up.
Wow.
I was just one sentence in.
No, it's just ever since you grounded Hallie, I've had, like, twice as much to do.
Today, instead of watching her click a mouse, I had to drive her to the library, wait for her to pick out research books then call her friends to make a study date.
And those guys are freaks.
I mean, who doesn't eat wheat or cheese? I'm sorry, honey.
Would a massage make you feel any better? Honey, I don't have time for a massage or whatever else you think it might lead to.
You know, when you grounded Hallie, you grounded me.
And now I feel like we should give her back some of her privileges.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Look, honey, I know it's a hassle, but I think, as bad cop, we need to, you know, hang tough with Hallie, show her we mean business.
But why should I pay the price 'cause you went too far? Honey, I was just trying to be a good bad cop.
And every bad cop knows All right.
You know what? Stop saying "bad cop.
" All right? You don't deserve to say "bad cop.
" You are bad "bad cop.
" Honey, I just I think if we back down now, I lose face.
That's why I don't lash out with my punishments.
I take a look at my calendar.
I see what's convenient for me.
Honey, I know it might be overwhelming, but, you know, if you want, I could pick up some of the slack.
Pick up groceries, dry cleaning, you know, clip coupons out of the newspaper.
I don't know how you fill your day.
Look, I'm already picking up Shannon.
What do you mean "picking up"? From karate at 7:00, like you said.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It's 4:00.
What? It's always 4:00.
What? Who forgets their own kid? Oh, my God.
Shannon, how did you get home? Tori's mom drove me.
Oh, sweetie, we are so, so sorry.
Yeah.
Here's how it's gonna go down.
I'm gonna throw a birthday party for Yoda.
I want 12 kids, a big cake, and a clown.
Sweetie, we are very sorry, but that's not an excuse for you to start making unreasonable demands.
Honey, I'll-I'll handle this.
Okay.
Eight kids and an ice cream cake.
Deal.
Okay, you guys, I've been thinking about your situation, mostly because of the constant whining.
Have you considered un-grounding Hallie? Listen, at this point, I would buy her a Ferrari if she ran some of these errands, but Jay doesn't want to do it.
Look, no.
I would consider it if I didn't think we would lose all authority.
It's just bad parenting.
When you set down the law, you gotta live by it.
So, you don't un-ground her completely.
You let her earn time off for good behavior.
Ooh, a technicality.
I like that.
Tell us more, wise lady.
You know, make her do chores in exchange for privileges.
I did that with my son, and he still thought of it as punishment.
That's the best thing about kids.
They're easy to trick.
This could work.
Our kid's not even as bright as hers.
Hey, Hal.
What's all this nonsense? It's incense.
I'm meditating.
Okay, well, meditate on this.
Uh How'd you like to earn some time off your grounding? Now, it'll require some errands, a few chores, a little Evite for a dog's birthday party.
Yeah, I'll pass.
No, no.
I'm giving you a chance to earn back some of your privileges, so Well, I don't want them back.
I like being grounded.
Are you crazy? Here, stop sniffing the incense and snap out of it.
You know, it's actually kinda cool being off the grid.
It's nice not being tied to all that electronic stuff.
You love that electronic stuff.
You love that stuff more than you love us.
That's a direct quote.
I'm just way more relaxed without all my stupid gadgets and driving all over.
I was just under so much pressure socially.
You know, believe it or not, it's not easy being beautiful and popular.
I got through it, so can you.
Honey, what about Kip? Well, I miss him, but our relationship will be even deeper when I do see him.
Did you know he wrote me a letter? With a pen and and a stamp? Not one of my friends has ever gotten one of those from a boyfriend.
"Dear" isn't spelled with two Es, but whatever.
Being grounded has just been such an eye-opener.
A few more weeks just really isn't that long.
Weeks? Can I get back to my meditation? I was right in the middle of my cleansing breath practice.
It makes you feel like time actually stops.
I know the feeling.
Sherry, I don't know if you should break up with Greg.
No, I don't know what Hallie would say.
What? Yeah, I'm sure he is super cute, but Well, he just seems like a player and I think you should watch your back.
Can you hold on for a sec? All right.
Hold on.
Hello? Can you hold on for a sec? Oh, my God, it's Greg! I gotta go.
I gotta go, Sherry.
I gotta go, Greg.
It's Hallie's friends.
Thank God I don't have to deal with that crap anymore.
Actually, she didn't go for it.
What? How is that possible? Did you tell her about the time off thing? Yeah.
She said she likes being grounded.
What? No, wait, wait, wait.
You must have said it wrong.
Did you use that sarcastic tone where it can be taken both ways? Yeah, that's how I said it.
Right there, like that? She's gotten into yoga and reading and writing.
It's like we have, like, a European person up there.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's-That's unacceptable.
Hallie! Come down here! You know what? If we're not enjoying ourselves, she's not enjoying herself.
So you're not having the time of your life? See, there it is again! Before she gets down here, what's our plan? You'll see.
Oh, dear God.
What's up? I just lit some aromatherapy candles and filled the tub.
Your mother tells me that you're enjoying being grounded.
Yeah, so? So, stop it.
What are you gonna do, punish me for liking my punishment? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
You are officially unpunished.
What? Why? That's not fair.
Mm-hmm.
And here is your cell phone back.
I want you to answer every text, every e-mail, and if you are not chatting annoyingly on the phone with your friends for hours, we will be very disappointed.
And driving starts again tomorrow.
What if I don't want to? Oh, it's not your choice, sweetie, okay? And I want to see Kip hanging out here all the time.
Now I want you to march back up there, empty that tub, and re-boot your computer.
This blows gigantically.
Yeah, welcome back, sweetheart! Kip, it's me.
I won, I totally won.
Yeah, it took a little longer than I thought, but I broke them.
They won't be grounding me for a long time.
Okay, so, what's the deal with Greg and Sherry? She dumped him because he's a player? Who gave her that stupid advice? Taught her a lesson.
Uh-huh.
We don't need to read parenting books, we need to write parenting books.
What did Hallie win? What are you talking about? She's upstairs in her room, going "I won, I won.
" Whatever she won, I want one, too.
Uh, she won, uh, she won a cookie.
You want one? Sure.
Can I have two? Absolutely.
Take the whole bag.
You don't think that Hallie would have actually Done something that diabolical? Yes, yes, I do.
Damn, she got one over on us.
I'm gonna double ground her.
Honey, no.
Haven't we suffered enough? Well, we can't just let her get away with this.
We have to do something.
I know, I know, I know.
The wheels are in motion and they are greased with payback.
(kids screaming happily) (over screaming): Okay, okay! Can everyone just sit down and be quiet so we can sing happy birthday to the dog (kids screaming happily) and get this stupid party over with.
This is a nightmare! I don't know.
Hallie doesn't seem quite miserable enough.
Yeah, well, wait till she finds out that I called their parents and told them the party's gonna last a couple more hours.
Captioned by Media
What did I just say? Hey, Mom.
So, here's a guest list for my birthday party.
Oh, that's great, honey, except you had your birthday party last month.
But it was so much fun.
Don't you want to have more than one birthday a year? No, no, no.
I already lie about the ones I have.
Then we'll have a party for Yoda.
I am not throwing a birthday party for a dog.
Especially one that just scooted his butt across my bedroom carpet.
Okay.
Then, can I have a cookie? No, honey.
You'll spoil your dinner.
But I'm starving.
Here.
Have some celery.
I'm not hungry enough to eat celery.
Hey most of my family.
Hey, sweetie.
How was work? She asked, hoping he wouldn't give too much detail.
"Fine," he said, hoping she won't share her day either.
All right, I'm gonna go check the dryer.
She said, hoping someone might volunteer to help her, knowing it was a long shot.
Ooh, all right.
Cookies.
Can I have a cookie, too? Sure.
Thanks.
Oh, look at that.
The frosting's in the shape of Florida.
That's fun.
Shannon, I said no cookies.
But Daddy gave it to me.
Jay.
Honey, she didn't say you said no.
Shannon, honey, don't do that again.
Okay, sorry.
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
She manipulates you, defies me, and you say, "Don't do it again"? No, no, no.
Go to your room.
I mean Honey, it was just a cookie.
It was just a cookie.
And yesterday it was just an extra hour of TV.
And the day before that, it was just Hallie borrowing the car keys without asking.
Sweetie, you are always letting the kids get away with stuff and I am tired of it.
Is there any way I can just fold laundry and end this? No.
I am tired of always being the bad cop around here.
You are their father and you need to give them some discipline.
I need you to step up to the plate and help me out here.
I know, honey.
It's just, you know, I'm really tired from work.
But I know, not as tired as you because your job is never done, yet you always find time to teach me things.
I'll work on it.
Thank you.
Can I finish my cookie? I don't care what you eat.
Well, it's official.
Thanks to my mother, all of my friends, except me, are going to the dorm party at Wayne State tonight.
I may as well shave my head and join a monastery.
Could you start with a vow of silence? This is so unfair.
I mean, my friend Colleen, who I've known, like, forever, it's her sister's dorm.
Yeah.
You mentioned that.
Remember, then I said, "You're 16 years old and you're too young to be hanging out at a college dorm.
" You are too young! To be hanging out at a college dorm! Young lady! Okay, you know, you can relax and get the next one.
I handled this yesterday.
Okay.
No cookies before dinner! RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC Ugh.
Too many cookies before dinner.
Why didn't you stop me, Yoda? (groaning) (barking) What is it? All right.
Come out.
I got a weapon.
And a killer dog.
(screaming) Hallie, what are you doing in there? I'm just getting a little snack.
Night.
Get back here.
You went to that college party, didn't you? Well, what choice did I have? I mean, all my friends were there and Mom was being totally unreasonable, so So you snuck out? And nothing bad happened and I'm fine, so I was kinda right about the whole thing.
Night.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
If something happened to you, your mother and I wouldn't have even known.
Well, Kip was with me, so there was nothing to worry about.
Okay, those two sentences don't even go together.
Okay, you're right.
It won't happen again.
I'm really sorry.
Okay, no.
If you think that you can just apologize and everything's fine, you're wrong.
You're grounded for two weeks.
Oh, come on.
You know what? You could've been killed out there.
Three weeks.
And no TV, no computer, and no cell phone.
Hand it over.
And Kip doesn't set foot in this house.
Jeez, I said I was sorry! What's going on down here? Sorry for what? She snuck out and went to that dorm party.
Hallie, I told you you couldn't go.
You are so grounded.
Honey, already on it.
Mom, if I could just explain Don't try to work your mother against me.
We're a team.
Yeah.
Four weeks.
A month? A month? And no driving.
Now, go upstairs and ask yourself if it was worth it.
Go.
Eye rolling just bought you another week, missy! Ahhh! (chuckling) And you're welcome.
Hmm? See that? What's wrong? No, nothing.
No, you did terrific.
Three, two, one It's just that, I feel like five weeks might be a bit much.
Excuse me? You were the one who told me to step up to the plate.
And what about all this stuff about having each other's back? No, you're right, you're right.
I mean, she definitely deserved to get grounded for what she did.
It's just I got your back.
I got your back.
Okay.
So, uh, I guess I'm a lot tougher than you thought, huh? That you are.
How you feeling? I'm fine.
But if anybody ever breaks into the house, that dog is worthless.
(phone ringing) Jay, can you get that? Somebody? Anybody who lives in this house? Oh, for the love of Pete.
Hello? Yeah, hey, Sherry.
No, no.
Hallie can't answer the phone because she's grounded.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Okay, I'll pass it on.
Bye.
Hello? There's no one there.
Did you get it? Yeah, like, a half hour ago.
Where were you running from? Our house isn't that big.
I've been answering the phone for Hallie all day.
That was Sherry, saying if Skylar calls, don't say anything about Greg because they might be breaking up.
I can't believe I was paying enough attention to remember that.
I can't believe I stood here and actually listened to it.
And I'm mildly interested.
Who was that? It was Sherry.
If Skylar calls, don't say anything about Greg.
They may be breaking up.
Unbeli Every year, you forget our children's birthdays, but that sticks? This is so unfair.
Life on the outside's going on without me.
You made your point.
Can we just end this? I mean, it's been, like, an eternity.
Honey, it's been 12 hours.
And you slept for nine of those, so There's nothing to do up there.
I can only comb my hair so much.
Honey, read.
Do a crossword puzzle.
Find a hobby.
You know, things people did before computers.
God, Dad, we don't live on a farm.
I can't believe everyone in the olden days didn't just kill themselves.
We tried, but, you know, we only had sticks and rocks, so Honey, look, you did the crime.
Now you're doing the time.
That's life.
Hallie, time to take me to piano.
Sorry, can't.
Grounded.
I forgot.
Damn.
Well, one of us is gonna have to take her and I have band practice.
Band practice without Kip? Oh, that's right.
He's not allowed to come down here.
Aw, band practice is my only joy in life.
I mean, you guys are good, too.
So, who's going to take me to piano? Well, I got basketball in a half hour, but I can be a little late.
(Rita groaning) (phone ringing) Really? 'Cause I got it.
Hello? Hey, Savannah.
No, she can't come to the phone.
She's grounded.
What can I do for you? Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
None of this makes sense to me.
I didn't watch Gossip Girl last night.
Okay, studiers.
I got some brain food to help you concentrate.
Processed cheese with some meat by-product substitutes.
Enjoy.
Oh, Mom, Carrie can't have dairy and Steph's gluten intolerant, so can you make them something else? No, no, no.
I get that.
I'm intolerant of a couple things myself.
Hey, guys, how about some celery? That should hold you off till you get home.
Back to your bubble.
(drums playing, cymbals crashing) Hey, Patty.
Who's your little friend? Well, since Kip can't come over and we don't want to miss any more rehearsals, I found us a drummer to fill in.
Hi, I'm Jessie.
Hey, Jessie.
I'm Rita.
Good to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
So, how long you been drumming? I've actually never played before.
But I've always wanted to, and, uh, Patty said I could.
(laughing) Yeah.
Jessie? Jessie? Jessie? Jessie? Jessie? Yeah, that'd be great if I needed rain or something, but I'm gonna You know what? I'm gonna take a little band meeting real quick.
Just a quick little band meeting.
What is going on? Okay, okay, okay.
I met Jessie at the gym.
He's a trainer.
I bought six sessions, got tired after two.
So I've been parading him around ever since.
Yeah, but he can't play drums.
Who cares? Look at him.
You know what, ladies? If I'm gonna be a part of this band, we're gonna have to make some changes.
First off, we start out every practice with a five mile jog.
Second, we clean all this crap out of your refrigerator.
That means no sugar, no soda, and no beer.
Get out.
I'm sorry.
That was rude.
Nice to meet you.
Get out.
Okay, wait.
Jessie Jessie, um, just wait for me in the car 'cause I'll be right there.
All right.
Just wait for me in the car.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on one second.
I just need to feel these.
Right there.
And now you can go.
You can go, Jessie.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I gotta roll, too.
Um, I got 20 minutes left with Jessie.
We're going to accidentally bump into my ex.
(squealing) Hey! It's nice to see the kids studying in there.
Shut up.
Wow.
I was just one sentence in.
No, it's just ever since you grounded Hallie, I've had, like, twice as much to do.
Today, instead of watching her click a mouse, I had to drive her to the library, wait for her to pick out research books then call her friends to make a study date.
And those guys are freaks.
I mean, who doesn't eat wheat or cheese? I'm sorry, honey.
Would a massage make you feel any better? Honey, I don't have time for a massage or whatever else you think it might lead to.
You know, when you grounded Hallie, you grounded me.
And now I feel like we should give her back some of her privileges.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Look, honey, I know it's a hassle, but I think, as bad cop, we need to, you know, hang tough with Hallie, show her we mean business.
But why should I pay the price 'cause you went too far? Honey, I was just trying to be a good bad cop.
And every bad cop knows All right.
You know what? Stop saying "bad cop.
" All right? You don't deserve to say "bad cop.
" You are bad "bad cop.
" Honey, I just I think if we back down now, I lose face.
That's why I don't lash out with my punishments.
I take a look at my calendar.
I see what's convenient for me.
Honey, I know it might be overwhelming, but, you know, if you want, I could pick up some of the slack.
Pick up groceries, dry cleaning, you know, clip coupons out of the newspaper.
I don't know how you fill your day.
Look, I'm already picking up Shannon.
What do you mean "picking up"? From karate at 7:00, like you said.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It's 4:00.
What? It's always 4:00.
What? Who forgets their own kid? Oh, my God.
Shannon, how did you get home? Tori's mom drove me.
Oh, sweetie, we are so, so sorry.
Yeah.
Here's how it's gonna go down.
I'm gonna throw a birthday party for Yoda.
I want 12 kids, a big cake, and a clown.
Sweetie, we are very sorry, but that's not an excuse for you to start making unreasonable demands.
Honey, I'll-I'll handle this.
Okay.
Eight kids and an ice cream cake.
Deal.
Okay, you guys, I've been thinking about your situation, mostly because of the constant whining.
Have you considered un-grounding Hallie? Listen, at this point, I would buy her a Ferrari if she ran some of these errands, but Jay doesn't want to do it.
Look, no.
I would consider it if I didn't think we would lose all authority.
It's just bad parenting.
When you set down the law, you gotta live by it.
So, you don't un-ground her completely.
You let her earn time off for good behavior.
Ooh, a technicality.
I like that.
Tell us more, wise lady.
You know, make her do chores in exchange for privileges.
I did that with my son, and he still thought of it as punishment.
That's the best thing about kids.
They're easy to trick.
This could work.
Our kid's not even as bright as hers.
Hey, Hal.
What's all this nonsense? It's incense.
I'm meditating.
Okay, well, meditate on this.
Uh How'd you like to earn some time off your grounding? Now, it'll require some errands, a few chores, a little Evite for a dog's birthday party.
Yeah, I'll pass.
No, no.
I'm giving you a chance to earn back some of your privileges, so Well, I don't want them back.
I like being grounded.
Are you crazy? Here, stop sniffing the incense and snap out of it.
You know, it's actually kinda cool being off the grid.
It's nice not being tied to all that electronic stuff.
You love that electronic stuff.
You love that stuff more than you love us.
That's a direct quote.
I'm just way more relaxed without all my stupid gadgets and driving all over.
I was just under so much pressure socially.
You know, believe it or not, it's not easy being beautiful and popular.
I got through it, so can you.
Honey, what about Kip? Well, I miss him, but our relationship will be even deeper when I do see him.
Did you know he wrote me a letter? With a pen and and a stamp? Not one of my friends has ever gotten one of those from a boyfriend.
"Dear" isn't spelled with two Es, but whatever.
Being grounded has just been such an eye-opener.
A few more weeks just really isn't that long.
Weeks? Can I get back to my meditation? I was right in the middle of my cleansing breath practice.
It makes you feel like time actually stops.
I know the feeling.
Sherry, I don't know if you should break up with Greg.
No, I don't know what Hallie would say.
What? Yeah, I'm sure he is super cute, but Well, he just seems like a player and I think you should watch your back.
Can you hold on for a sec? All right.
Hold on.
Hello? Can you hold on for a sec? Oh, my God, it's Greg! I gotta go.
I gotta go, Sherry.
I gotta go, Greg.
It's Hallie's friends.
Thank God I don't have to deal with that crap anymore.
Actually, she didn't go for it.
What? How is that possible? Did you tell her about the time off thing? Yeah.
She said she likes being grounded.
What? No, wait, wait, wait.
You must have said it wrong.
Did you use that sarcastic tone where it can be taken both ways? Yeah, that's how I said it.
Right there, like that? She's gotten into yoga and reading and writing.
It's like we have, like, a European person up there.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's-That's unacceptable.
Hallie! Come down here! You know what? If we're not enjoying ourselves, she's not enjoying herself.
So you're not having the time of your life? See, there it is again! Before she gets down here, what's our plan? You'll see.
Oh, dear God.
What's up? I just lit some aromatherapy candles and filled the tub.
Your mother tells me that you're enjoying being grounded.
Yeah, so? So, stop it.
What are you gonna do, punish me for liking my punishment? You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
You are officially unpunished.
What? Why? That's not fair.
Mm-hmm.
And here is your cell phone back.
I want you to answer every text, every e-mail, and if you are not chatting annoyingly on the phone with your friends for hours, we will be very disappointed.
And driving starts again tomorrow.
What if I don't want to? Oh, it's not your choice, sweetie, okay? And I want to see Kip hanging out here all the time.
Now I want you to march back up there, empty that tub, and re-boot your computer.
This blows gigantically.
Yeah, welcome back, sweetheart! Kip, it's me.
I won, I totally won.
Yeah, it took a little longer than I thought, but I broke them.
They won't be grounding me for a long time.
Okay, so, what's the deal with Greg and Sherry? She dumped him because he's a player? Who gave her that stupid advice? Taught her a lesson.
Uh-huh.
We don't need to read parenting books, we need to write parenting books.
What did Hallie win? What are you talking about? She's upstairs in her room, going "I won, I won.
" Whatever she won, I want one, too.
Uh, she won, uh, she won a cookie.
You want one? Sure.
Can I have two? Absolutely.
Take the whole bag.
You don't think that Hallie would have actually Done something that diabolical? Yes, yes, I do.
Damn, she got one over on us.
I'm gonna double ground her.
Honey, no.
Haven't we suffered enough? Well, we can't just let her get away with this.
We have to do something.
I know, I know, I know.
The wheels are in motion and they are greased with payback.
(kids screaming happily) (over screaming): Okay, okay! Can everyone just sit down and be quiet so we can sing happy birthday to the dog (kids screaming happily) and get this stupid party over with.
This is a nightmare! I don't know.
Hallie doesn't seem quite miserable enough.
Yeah, well, wait till she finds out that I called their parents and told them the party's gonna last a couple more hours.
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