Sledge Hammer! s01e15 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
What were you up to last night? Some slimeballs held a meeting to protest police brutality.
Oh, yeah? What happened? They broke it up with clubs and tear gas.
I got two coffees, huh? Boy, you really love that gun, don't you? Guns help us to survive in this jungle.
Hammer, in London the cops don't carry guns and the criminals don't carry guns.
And London's a very safe city to live in.
Yeah, especially if you're a crook and you got a gun.
I'm glad you can grasp new concepts.
Well, enough shop talk.
I didn't have any breakfast and I just want to sit here and enjoy my coffee.
Let's go! Oh, my God! Relax.
You'll get your cup back.
- Hammer! Hammer! - Hold it.
It's Sledge Hammer! - Hold it right there.
- Put your hands up.
I don't believe this.
three prisoners and a car crash.
Yeah, it's always slow just after Christmas.
Hammer, Hammer, Hammer! I'm sick of hearing that name.
That robbery should have been a piece of cake.
- That guy Hammer's everywhere.
- I'm sick of hearing that name.
We've got to do something before the silver caper.
With him around, a crook doesn't have the life expectancy of a fruit fly! - What can we do about that guy? - I don't know.
There's no way to fight him.
He can't be bought, can't be bribed.
He's too good.
Eddie, get rid of him.
Right, boss.
How do I do it? Fredricks here.
Thank you for returning my call.
Listen, is there anything you can do to get rid of Hammer? Uh-huh.
Interesting idea! So you'll immobilise him, you'll put him completely out of action? And you'll do that for $80,000? Ask if he'll take 75.
You got a deaI.
- Boys, there is a way to get rid of Hammer.
- We kill him? We destroy him! Uh, Captain I saw the report on Inspector Hammer's last case.
- It concerns me.
- You're the psychiatrist.
What do you think? He lacks a sense of proportion.
He is violent.
Headstrong.
I took the liberty of pulling Hammer's file.
- And? - It made me crazy.
You must understand his history.
You see, Hammer does not mean to be violent.
But his is an ancient family, descended in a direct line from Attila the Hun.
Yes, yes, doc, he is a walking time bomb.
- You want to put him away? - That won't be necessary.
But I should talk with him.
- That's a good idea.
I'll tell him to see you.
- Hammer is a man of muscle, not of mind.
- So he might resist.
- He'll do what I tell him to do.
No.
No.
Nada.
No.
No shrinks for Daddy.
- I want no part of this.
- Hammer, what are you afraid of? - Haven't you ever been analysed? - Not by anybody who lived.
This could help you.
It could explain your use of excessive force.
What excessive force? What about the time you broke up that floating casino with a torpedo? You should have seen that! Everywhere you looked, fish and chips! Hammer, may I remind you that I am your captain? I'd kneeI if I didn't have this trick knee.
Hammer! Go! You don't like psychiatrists, do you? The last guy who pointed a finger at me ended up limping through the Yellow Pages.
Hammer, we must start out by trusting one another.
Trust you? You sound like a Nazi.
Why, thank you very much.
But enough about me.
Why don't you just make yourself comfortable? Perhaps you want to take off your gun? I never take off my gun.
Surely you must take it off sometime.
I mean, you wouldn't sleep with your gun.
- Says who? - Ah, very interesting.
Hammer, it would be quite naturaI for a detective to become fond of his weapon.
After all, you've been through some dark times together.
Tell me, when did you first fire your gun? How can I remember something like that? It was so long ago.
- Try.
- Thursday, September 8th at 1:30am.
A rooming house on West 49th Street.
Hammer, I am going to give you a test to reveaI your hidden personality.
I will show you these inkblots and you tell me what you see.
A.
44 Magnum blowing away a sleazeball.
Uh-huh.
A machine gun wasting an oiI refinery.
Mm-hmm.
Pussy willows.
A sub-machine-gun blowing away the pussy willows.
A duck handcuffing a naked lady.
That's funny.
I never noticed the duck.
My Magnum! It's gone.
Maybe I left it at the station.
Oh, no! - Police.
Emergency.
Follow that car.
- Got it.
- Police.
Emergency.
Follow that car.
- Sir.
Oh! - Aah! - Sorry.
Sorry.
You lost your gun? Take it easy.
I'll find it.
- Hammer - It oughta be here somewhere.
Hammer, I am sick and tired of you and that speciaI gun of yours.
- I'm just a typicaI cop.
- Typ! TypicaI cop? If that were true, you'd hear gunfire all day long.
The streets would be lined with funerals.
Don't try to cheer me up.
I'll find it.
You're well rid of the damn thing.
It's caused enough trouble.
- What trouble? - That shoot-out at the art museum.
Big deaI.
That statue was already missing one arm.
I know you loved that gun, but we don't have time for a treasure hunt.
- I'll find it.
- Hammer, draw yourself another handgun.
That's an order! And this time, hang on to it.
We hijack the shipment of silver at the corner of 6th.
We bring the silver back here, we melt it down in the furnace and we ship it out.
- What about Hammer? - Inspector Hammer is no longer a problem.
- He's been neutralised.
- You mean killed? Better than killed.
Destroyed.
His will and his power.
Ahem! Hey, Hammer.
Don't you think you're going a bit too far? What do you think about that one? It's a little more personaI.
- Well - Hammer, you're due at the firing range.
- I want to draw a new weapon.
- Yeah, I heard you lost your gun.
Hey, I know what it's like, you know.
I misplaced a cannon in the big one.
Please, I don't want to talk about it.
Just give me a new.
44.
Gee, you know I'm awfully sorry, Hammer.
But it takes 30 days to get a.
44.
Hey, maybe you ought to try a.
22.
It only takes half as long.
- Sure.
Put me down.
- Hey, look, in the meantime why don't you try this? All right.
I guess it'll have to do till I find my Magnum.
Oh, wait, I just remembered.
We reserved this one for Sergeant Bixby.
And all I got left is this.
Oh, great! Well, this would stop a charging hamster at 40 paces.
What is this? Hey, why don't you give it a chance? Try it on the range.
How many hits? Not a one.
Ah, no wonder.
Never even reached the target.
What a week! Trunk chews me up, the shrink says I'm a baddie, I lose my gun.
Now I'm a failure at the firing range.
I'd shoot myself but this gun wouldn't part my hair.
- I told you people to stay down! - Look out! I'll handle this, Doreau.
All right, freeze, scumsucker! Oh, my God! What am I doing with this? Again.
You look like you really got it bad, buddy.
You must have really loved her.
We were close, all right.
Been through a lot together.
Yeah, it's tough when you lose 'em.
I wish I could hold her again.
FeeI her close to my heart.
See the smoke rising.
- Smoke? - When we got into heavy action.
Well, where'd she come from? Got her from my father.
- From your father? - Yeah.
He loved her before I ever saw her.
That's why it was so great when he gave her to me.
I see.
No one else ever had her.
Just my father and me.
Well, you have your memories.
Great! What good are memories when I'm in an alley at midnight? True.
I'd give anything to know where she is right now.
I want to know whose hand is gripping her, whose palm is caressing her.
Hey, that kinda talk's gonna drive you crazy.
I took good care of her.
And she performed beautifully.
- I loved every curve! - Young man, you're obscene.
What got into her? How long has it been since you've had some sleep? I'm just another wimp with a wimpy pistoI.
- Hammer, that's not it at all.
- It is it.
No, it isn't.
You know, I've seen a different side to you lately.
A softer, more vulnerable side.
It's nice.
- Come on! - Hammer, I mean it.
Beneath that hard exterior lives a very decent man.
That's a rotten thing to say.
Hammer, there's nothing wrong with having feelings.
Even if they are for a gun.
This whole thing has completely sapped my self-confidence.
I'm not a man any more.
I'm indecisive.
Well, actually, I don't know, maybe I'm not.
No, I I See, I can't Look, all I can think about is my Magnum and where it is.
Hammer, I really hate to tell you this.
Someone's gonna tell you if I don't.
Don't get angry, all right? Look, I'm not going to get angry.
Anger is a childish emotion, so I'm not going to get angry.
So, tell me what's in the report.
All right.
Your gun was used in a hold-up.
They used it to shoot a pedestrian, two guards and a cop.
- Hammer! - I'm under controI.
I'm under controI, don't worry.
Everything's under controI.
Then they used it to pistoI-whip an old lady.
Hammer! Now, Hammer! - You said you weren't gonna get - Hammer! I see Hammer's learned about his gun being used in that heist.
Hammer, you'd better have another talk with the shrink.
Not only do I not have my gun, I just found out where it is.
It was used in a major crime.
You know what that does to me? What that gun meant to me? It was my Dr Watson, my Tonto, my Ed McMahon.
Hammer, you are no different without your gun.
No.
Alone, I'm just a cop.
But with my gun, I'm a dangerous cop.
I know it sounds crazy, but I loved that gun.
This does not sound crazy at all.
Kurt von Tempski himself explains that policemen often develop a sexuaI affinity for their weapons.
Von Tempski says that the weapon becomes an extension of your manhood.
- Who's von Tempski? - The kid that brings my coffee.
I love that gun.
I love that gun.
I love the gun.
I love it.
That's it.
You loved it excessively, Hammer.
Have you ever thought of replacing it with a woman? No woman could ever replace my Magnum.
I really loved it.
- I even slept with it.
- Ah, yes! That is a deep attachment.
To sleep with your gun on the pillow beside you.
But you know that can be explained in the theory of primaI gestalt.
There is a way of penetrating into the Nobody knows that I sleep with my gun on the pillow next to me.
- Nobody.
- Least of all me.
The only one who could know is the one who took it.
Why would Dr Weisbart steaI your Magnum? Look what happened.
It wiped me out, it completely took away my confidence.
Right.
Long enough to steaI half a million dollars of silver! We're gonna follow him right to the loot.
Let's go.
- Psst! - Yeah? I can see why someone would miss your curves.
I hear you're so hot you smoke! Weisbart's going inside.
They must have brought the silver here to melt it down and ship it out.
Yeah.
Uh I can't go in there without my Magnum.
- Hammer! - No.
Come on.
Wait.
- A good idea.
- Yeah? That's what we need, a good idea.
All right, listen.
How does this sound for an idea? Climbing on the roof and jumping through the skylight to take 'em by surprise.
- Sounds dangerous.
- Then don't.
Stay with me.
Hammer! Get a grip.
- How did the hijacking go? - Without Hammer, it was a breeze.
A day without Hammer is like a day without darkness.
Now, we're going to melt all this down.
We're going to pour it into moulds and ship it as 100,000 statues of Hugh Hefner.
Who would buy so many statues? Hugh Hefner.
And to make sure that we're not bothered by Hammer any more, what's the first hunk of silver that we melt? Inspector Hammer's precious Magnum! Hold it.
Freeze! Anybody moves and they're dead.
Ask your boyfriend about that.
If you don't drop your gun, I'm going to toss his Magnum into the flames.
OK, if that's the way you want it.
Scram.
Cover yourselves.
Yeow! - I think we should go round the back.
- Look out, Doreau.
This is man's work.
OK, suckers, you wanna play? Sorry, doc.
Your hour is up.
You tried to come between me and the thing I hold dearest.
How does it make you feeI? Well, naturally, in terms of guilt, I think I could sublimate that.
- But for the gestalt, that - Shut up.
I That's a better idea, yeah.
- Better call the precinct.
- I'll make my own decisions.
You'd better call the precinct.
Hello, compadre.
Welcome back, Hammer.
It's the old you again.
Too bad.
You know, Doreau, I act sure of myself, but deep down I got doubts.
All the explosions and the shootings and the violence.
Yeah, makes you wonder if it's necessary.
No, I wonder why it isn't working.
- Come on, Hammer.
Let's roll.
- Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
- You look better since you got her back.
- Yeah.
And now I'm going to take her out and shoot her!