That '70s Show s01e15 Episode Script

- You and Jackie did not do it.
- No.
We so did it.
You're always saying that you did it.
Kelso, she wears the pants, and they have never come off.
Look at my face.
This is a face that did it.
Holy smokes, I think he did it.
- Kelso did it! - I did it! Yeah.
Congratulations, man.
- Plus, you did it in record time.
- Yeah, you think? No, you moron.
You've been kissing her ass for over a year.
Yeah, but that's over, man.
It's hard to explain to you kids that have never had sex before but when you're with a woman, something chemical happens to her.
Now, Jackie is totally different.
She's like my love slave.
Yeah, I'm that good.
Hey, guys.
Hi, sweetie.
How are you? Actually, I'm a little bit chilly.
But I left my coat up in the car.
I'll go get it for you.
Miss me.
Handy little thing, isn't she? Okay, that was so cool.
- Cool? - And by "cool" I mean "wrong and stupid.
" All right, shut up.
Wrestling's back on.
I love wrestling! Come on, you're not even fighting back.
Why would he fight back? Don't forget, this Saturday night pro wrestling is coming to the National Guard Armory in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
Watch Rocky Johnson take on 20 snarling midgets.
Now, back to the action.
Rocky Johnson's coming to Kenosha? Man, we gotta go.
I'm in.
I love midgets, man.
Eric, I need to see you up here.
Okay, I'll be right up.
You are not going up? I'll go up when I'm ready.
So I just said to myself: "I don't care if all I have is dirty laundry and no money.
"I'm going home to see my parents.
Because I love them very much.
" Oh, my.
Well, will you look at these? Yeah, Mom, all the girls are wearing them.
Eric, where have you been? - Yeah, Eric, I called you five minutes ago.
- I was watching wrestling.
Did you take those books back to the library like I asked you? Yeah.
I took them back.
Then why did I see them in the backseat of your car? I took them back to the car.
Which means that they're practically at the library.
You know, Dad, I feel sorry for all the good kids who wanted to read those books.
That's who I feel sorry for.
Okay, it's five books.
A nickel a book.
Big deal, I'm out a quarter.
It's not about the money, son.
It's about the rules.
And without rules, we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
Okay.
The library closes in a half an hour, so get your ass over there.
Dad, you know, all my friends are downstairs so Hey, pal, I'm not the bad guy here.
Now, you screwed yourself when you didn't return those books.
- Now go.
- Okay.
No.
Did you say, "no"? Are you telling me, "no"? Is that what I'm hearing? Yeah.
Oh, dear.
Hanging out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you Whoa, yeah Hello, Wisconsin! Well, all right! You know what's interesting? No.
When you talk to Laurie, you actually have a conversation but with Eric, you just give orders.
Kitty, he said no to me.
He's getting older, Red.
I think it's time you two developed a friendship 'cause if you don't, he'll move away and we'll never see him again.
Is that what you want? Red.
I can't be friends with Eric.
He's too twitchy.
Red, until I see you make some kind of effort I'm just gonna keep bringing it up.
Threats aren't gonna work, Kitty.
In the middle of every newspaper you're reading every nap you're taking, every football game you're watching I'll be there talking.
Bob, I'm thinking of starting therapy.
Okay, I'm gonna be Bye.
Therapy? That's for crazies.
You know, the unexamined self is an unfulfilled self.
How can you be unfulfilled? I put a roof over your head, I pay the bills, I take care of you.
- Yeah, but what do I do? - You fill out that sweater real nice.
You are so cold! What? That's a compliment.
Sit down, Laurie, have some ribs.
Mom, you know I'm on my water and yogurt diet.
Okay, isn't this nice? My whole family together.
Mostly.
Having family fun.
Because that's what dinner is for.
Right, Red? Okay.
So.
Eric what happened at school today? Why? What'd you hear? What's wrong with you? I can't ask a simple question? Red, you need some potatoes.
Good job on returning those books.
Yeah, I returned the books.
Even though it was kind of stupid.
What? He said it was stupid, Daddy.
Okay.
Eric, what are you gonna do this weekend? Me and the gang are gonna catch that wrestling match in Kenosha.
Now, isn't that something? Because a certain Mr.
Red Forman used to wrestle in high school.
No.
What I did then was real.
That stuff on TV, that's all an act.
I don't know.
I bet if the two of you went together, you'd really enjoy yourselves.
Right, guys? - No, Mom, I don't - I'm really busy So, you're going.
And I think everyone has room to grow but Bob is perfectly satisfied and says just being his wife should make me happy.
Midge, let me stop you right there.
I know we've had only one session, but from what I'm hearing everything you say is completely right and everything Bob says is completely wrong.
I think I'm gonna like therapy.
I think therapy's gonna like you.
Jackie, what are you doing here? You hate wrestling.
Michael likes it, and anything that Michael likes, I like.
'Cause I like Michael.
Yeah, that's my girl.
Oh, barf.
Come on, watch your legs.
Taking the gang to the wrestling matches? I guess I'll just sit home alone tonight since Midge is going to some therapy thing.
I'll be alone.
Get in the car, Bob.
Eric, give me the keys.
Why can't I drive? Because I want to get there in one piece.
Hey, can we get a move on? If I Miss that 20-midget free-for-all, I'm gonna be super pissed.
Fine.
You drive.
Red.
You know, on second thought you should drive.
After all, tonight I'm just one of the gang.
This isn't gonna work, you know? We're gonna kill each other.
Fine, kill each other.
Just do it together.
Both hands on the wheel, Eric.
- Dad, if you want to drive - No.
That's all right.
I'm just one of the gang.
Yield, damn it! That sign says, "yield.
" That's better.
Baby This is ridiculous.
When we get home tonight you better tell your mother we had a damn good time.
So far so good.
Yeah.
And now, I gotta go and spend $2 for a 10-cent beer.
Gee, I'm so glad our dads came.
- At least yours is leaving you alone.
- Yeah.
- Poor Fez.
- Yeah.
There I was sitting in the kitchen.
Sitting in the kitchen, when, boom! She tells me she needs therapy.
Yeah, Midge and I had a beautiful thing, Fezzy then it all went wrong.
Yeah, Bob, women are hell.
Why don't you grab us all a beer and we'll talk it over? I could get you sodas, 'cause I know you're underage.
Bob, this isn't about us.
It's about you.
And you need friends.
And beer.
How stupid do you think I am? Why don't we grab a beer and we'll talk it over? No.
Then, Bob, you're on your own.
See how you drive people away? I'm telling you, after my therapy session, I felt so loose.
Loose is good.
If you ask me, we could all do with a little tightening.
And tonight, my therapist is hosting an encounter group but I'm too shy to go alone.
Well, too bad.
Kitty, please come with me.
I don't think so.
No, thank you.
No.
You know what this is a lot like? Like when you asked me to help you host the bake sale.
Only it's different, because I said yes.
All right.
Great.
It's a gathering of his souls in progress.
Over drinks.
Free drinks? I'm in.
That's nice.
That's music to a mother's ears.
Okay, what's going on here? Okay, you see the guy getting in the ring? That's Rocky Johnson.
Man, he's the best.
The best? They're not even fighters.
I mean, it's all tricks.
I could get up there right now and Goddamn, he dropped that guy right on his head! Yeah! That's right.
I got him.
He ain't going anywhere.
One, two, three.
- The winner! - Get off me! I'm the winner here.
Yeah! Man! - Hot in here.
- You poor thing.
- Is that better, sweetie? - Yeah! - Jackie, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, sure.
Michael, is it okay Jackie, what the hell is going on between you and Kelso? Look, Michael Kelso and I have made beautiful love.
I mean No.
- Why are you being such a doormat? - Look, I have to be nice.
What if he gets bored now? Bored? Jackie, he's gonna want to do it again.
So what you're saying is, I'm totally in charge.
I mean, a partnership No.
I own him! I am the man.
Jackie No.
Thank you, Donna.
Good evening, sir.
I would like a refreshing cola, please.
And get me a beer, son.
Okay, Dad, sure.
And a beer for my dad.
You're not gonna get me that beer, are you? What seems to be the problem, son? What're you doing? Don't just sit there! Get up, you big moose! Look, he's laughing at you! I give and I give and I give! Boo-hoo.
Get back in the ring! Come on.
Hey, this is fun.
Rocky Johnson.
Mr.
Johnson, sir, can I get your autograph? Rocky! Eric, go in there and get your autograph.
No way, Dad.
The sign says, "wrestlers only.
" So? So, that's a rule.
As I remember, a great man once said to me: "If we were to break the rules "the world would just be filled with tree-climbing crapflingers.
" Yeah.
Follow me.
You want your autograph or not? There he is.
Mr.
Johnson, you gave that team of midgets an ass whupping, sir! You pile drive a little guy and the whole crowd turns on you.
When you're standing there, wondering what they're booing about you get bit on the kneecaps.
Look at my knees.
Midget bites.
I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
No.
No autographs.
Look, pal I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
Give the kid an autograph.
And then, no more autographs.
That's really nice.
Bringing your kid to a wrestling match.
You know, I've got a son.
And one day, he's gonna become the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Wanna make that out to Red Forman? No.
I don't think so.
It's Eric Forman.
Capital E-R-I-C.
- Yeah, but see, his nickname is Red.
- No, it's not, it's Eric.
Stop kidding around, Red! You know, babe, a soda would taste pretty good right about now.
Yeah, you're right.
A soda does sound pretty good.
- I'll have a diet.
- Yeah, I'll have a root beer.
Don't you want to go get it for me? Sweetie? Okay, let me clear it up for you.
Get me a soda.
Now! Did you see that? I'm the man.
It all started about six months ago when Midgie got a subscription to Cosmo.
These group sessions are about testing your boundaries losing your inhibitions, and really sharing with the group.
Kitty, are you ready? Share a little, Mom.
Tell us how folding the dishtowels just right makes all our problems go away.
You want me to share? Okay.
Laurie, you're mean to your brother and you're screwing around at college.
We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash.
The fact is, you're an ungrateful, spoiled brat.
Well, thank you.
That was nice.
I love you, honey.
Well, I hope you're all as excited about this journey as I am.
Let's pair off.
Okay, we're leaving.
I don't get it, Kitty.
What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
He's a bad doctor.
A very bad doctor.
- Dad, thanks for letting me drive home.
- Thanks for not killing me.
You know, I just had a lot of fun tonight with you, Dad.
Yeah, me too.
All right, let's go.
- Want some? - Yeah.
I wanna have a piece.
Yes! Who's the king? Who's the king? My neck! Gosh, Dad, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Look, I had no Now who's the king? You are.
And it turned out this therapist was just obsessed with sex.
And this is a really difficult time for me.
The last thing I need is a doctor who doesn't take me seriously.
I need to find someone I can talk to, someone who will really listen.
So.
Wanna go to a party? Okay.