The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e15 Episode Script

Look, I'm really sorry
about this Joe
but, uh, Mr. Bell
wants me to check up on
all the employee health
claims for fraud.
And, um, he, um,
was kinda wonderin'
if you, you know,
really had a wooden leg.
[clattering]
Oh, so I guess we
can skip the questions
about the glass eye, huh.
Hey, that's my letter opener.
Why don't you just go
ahead and keep that, huh?
(man on PA)
'Attention Winfred-Louder
customers and employees.'
'The store will be closing
in ten minutes'
'due to rapidly worsening
weather conditions'
'and the shutdown of public
transportation.'
'Thank you for shopping
in Winfred-Louder.'
'And please drive safely..'
'so you can come back
and we can gouge you'
'on our prices again.'
[man chuckles]
'Oh, no,
is this thing on?'
Do you believe this ice storm?
I just saw a bird
hit the window and shatter.
Oh, man.
So you took the bus, too?
No, actually,
I just got a carpool.
Oh, do you have room
for one more?
Oh, I think
it might be awkward.
Joe Thomson, is driving.
Oh, yeah.
He asked me to give you this.
But just say
I stuck it in your thigh.
Oh, man.
How am I gonna get home?
Get another carpool, quick.
I can't go runnin' around
the store lookin' for a carpool.
I gotta finish this stuff
for Mr. Bell before he leaves.
Oh, man, I knew
it would come to this.
Mimi,
I'm sorry for everything
I've ever said to you.
Forget it, frosty.
Stand on the corner
with the rest of the losers
[chuckles]
and grab a bumper.
It's a ride home, Mimi.
Drew's asking for a simple
act of kindness.
Okay.
Here's last month's
urgent messages.
You know..
you could always
catch a ride
with the Optimist Club.
[laughs]
Oh, you think I wouldn't?
Oh, that's a great idea.
Thanks, Mimi.
You're a saint..
Bernard.
She's right, Drew.
No! Not the Optimist Club.
I can't, don't make me.
It's an emergency, you could be
stranded here all night.
So, I've got coffee,
I've seen Mimi jiggle food
out of the vending machines.
I can live on honeybuns
for a night.
- I've done it before.
- Drew.
Damn it. There's no choice.
You better go, be careful.
You too.
Call me when you get home.
- Alright.
- Alright.
Hi, Faith.
Hidy-do.
So how are things
at the Optimist Club?
Drew, can you believe
this ice storm? What luck.
I just got an ice scraper
that looks like a bear claw.
[growls]
[both laughs]
What a great attitude.
You know, there are some dufuses
walkin' around here that think
this is the worst
natural disaster
in the history of Cleveland.
[chuckles]
So, you got room
for one more in a carpool.
Always room for one more.
But hurry.
Everybody in the carpool
is anxious to get home
and share this terrific
ice storm with their families.
Okay.
I just got to do this
one more thing
for Mr. Bell, though.
So I'll try to hurry up.
Oh, uh-uh. Be optimistic.
Okay.
Someday,
I'm gonna marry that gal.
Just print this stuff
for Mr. Bell.
Let's see.
Oh, backslash, backslash.
Semicolon, semicolon.
Command dot P.
Oh, come on,
don't freeze up on me now.
[crackling]
[fizzling]
Oh, I hope I remembered
to hit save.
Moon over Parma
bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowling ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪
[Mimi sobbing]
(Mimi)
'I'm sure gonna miss Drew.'
I told him,
"Don't get into that carpool."
[sobbing]
I'm okay. Okay, thanks.
[sobbing]
[clears throat]
Oh, yes.
Hoarding post-its.
I knew it.
A pig, even in death.
Hey, what the hell
is goin' on here?
- You're-you're alive?
- Yeah, I'm alive.
I'm just a little late,
that's all.
Oh, look, it's the 50th
anniversary of my desk.
How come nobody
ever told me?
You're supposed to be dead.
What? What you talkin' about?
Your carpool
was in a horrible accident.
The-the Optimists
were all so positive
they could beat that train.
Oh, my God!
Was anybody hurt?
The news said
that everybody was listed
in serious condition
except for one casualty.
A heavy set man,
in his late 50's.
I mean, I just assumed.
Oh, man. That..
It could have been me.
Guess we'll have
to cancel the party.
I'll just take
that six-foot hoagie
over to the homeless shelter.
Been only three feet,
make it there.
Kate, Jay, did you hear?
I-I'm alive.
I should have been
in that carpool but I wasn't.
So I'm alive.
Oh, they've took my stapler.
You jackals.
But it doesn't matter, though,
'cause I'm alive.
I know, it's so weird.
The whole store
thinks you're dead.
On the first floor,
they're saying that
your severed hand was found
50 yards from the car
still clutching a burger.
So the-the whole store
is mourning my death?
Um, well..
they're expressing
some emotion
relating to your death.
- Yeah. Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
- Y-yeah, they're dancin' now.
Wait till they find out
that you are alive.
[instrumental music]
I can't find it.
It's-it's not in any
of your old stuff.
Are-are you sure you didn't
trade it for some old Playboys?
Oh, Oswald, I don't think
I traded-in the family Bible
for some old Playboys.
Hey, look.
It's my old scout uniform.
Oh.
You got a merit badge
for being a triathlete?
Well, actually I got it
for catchin' the scout master
smokin' a doobie up
at the lake.
Hm.
Oh, this badge fell off.
- Oh, what's it for?
- Uh, sewing.
[knocking at door]
Coming.
- Oh, hey, how you doin'?
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Hey.
Alright, Drew,
what did do do with the scout?
Oswald and I were tryin'
to find my family Bible.
I lost somethin'
very important in it.
Oh, you traded that bible to me
for some old Playboys.
Yeah, but you traded it to me
for my mom's Playgirls.
Oh, yeah, and you traded it
to me for my kid brother.
Wait, wait, wait.
So you have the Bible?
No, I gave it back to Drew
after he got weirded out
by "The Exorcist."
Hey, guys, this wouldn't be
the Bible you're lookin' for
here in the book shelf,
would it? Duh.
Here it is.
Now, this is what
I've been lookin' for.
Well, what is it?
It's a list I made
when I was 12
of things I wanted
to accomplish before I die.
Oh, my God.
How embarrassing.
"Number one, touch a booby."
Uh, there's still time, Drew.
"Number two, get faced."
Gee, you were really deep.
"Number three, gain weight."
Boy, when you put your mind
to something, you just..
Shut up.
"Hey, number four,
get married in the family."
"Number five, buy mom a house."
"Number six,
give a year to God."
Ah, yeah. I was 14.
I remember,
I wanted to be a minister.
Man, I've totally
gotten off track.
You know, what if Ihad
died in that car crash?
I would've only accomplished,
look, two, three and a half
of these things.
It's never wrong to wanna
do something with your life
but you could've just missed
that carpool by coincidence.
- Yeah.
- No!
There's gotta be a reason.
Computers just don't catch fire.
Why was I spared
and one of the members
of the Optimist Club taken?
Look at his obituary.
Why did he die
and nothin' happened to me?
"Josh Tilden,
54, Rotary Club
"Big Brothers, organ donor
"Humane Society, foster parent,
Save the Children, Peace Corps
Meals on Wheels."
Well, I mean,
it doesn't say one thing
about touching a booby.
You know, Drew,
there's one place you can go
to get definitive answers
on your most spiritual question.
Ouija board!
[all cheering]
Hey, hey.
You know, at a party once,
we used the Ouija board
to communicate
with Marilyn Monroe.
Really?
And what did she say?
"I was killed by the Kenne.."
And then it just stopped.
[indistinct chatter]
[all laughing]
Here we go.
Why was I spared?
What am I supposed
to do with my life?
[all chanting]
(in unison)
"B."
[laughing]
(in unison)
"E."
"Be", what am I supposed to be.
Wait, wait,
it's still moving.
(in unison)
"E."
[all mumbling]
(in unison)
"R."
B-E-R.
B-er, beer, beer!
Oh, I thought
you'd never ask.
Thanks, demons.
- Uh, the demon wants imported.
- 'Okay.'
Look at me
talkin' to spirits for guidance.
I need to talk to someone
who knows what they're doin'
or I'm gonna go crazy.
Here.
O, hoary host of the netherworld
should I go talk
to my minister?
[all mumbling]
(all in unison)
"C."
"H."
C-H, it's spellin' church.
No, no, I'm spellin' chips.
Where do you keep the barbecue?
[instrumental music]
Boy, I tell you
never fight over a parking
space with a christian.
They just as soon
kill you as look at you.
You know, Drew,
if there is one place
that'll explain to you
how missing a carpool
is an act of God,
this is it.
Oh, yeah, it's like
today's sermon was tailor-made
for your situation.
God's message to all of us.
"I will smite
one person every day
until more people take the bus."
Hmm.
And I hope Reverend Lindemann
recognizes me.
You know, it's been
kind of a while.
(Oswald)
'I remember during
your minister phase'
you tried to baptize
Lewis' hamster.
Spinoza? You baptized Spinoza?
He was a Buddhist.
Reverend Lindemann.
Hey, remember me?
Of course I do.
You look great.
Really?
Really, it's great
to see you, George.
Oh, how's that
son of yours, Drew?
He was growing up to be
quite a little butterball.
Sir, you are talkin'
to the turkey now.
Drew! Well, look at you.
You're all grown-up. Good Lord.
I'm allowed to say that.
It's good to see you
back in church.
Yeah, uh, actually..
I had kind of a problem
I wanted to talk to you about.
Maybe after the service?
Oh, no. I have a few minutes.
Would you like to step in
to my rectory?
[laughs]
No, wait. We can't.
My rectory is closed.
[laughing]
It's being painted.
[laughing]
Shut up, Oswald.
I'm sorry, Reverend Lindemann.
Now, what is it you
want to talk about, Drew?
Uh, well, sir,
you see, there was a..
I missed my carpool yesterday
and there was an accident.
Someone got killed.
Oh, Tilden. Yes.
I read about that.
Did you know he used to coach
our blind softball team?
- Oh.
- One, two, three, swing.
What a tremendous loss.
I know that, sir, but..
I think there might have been
a more powerful thing
at work here.
See, I missed the carpool
because my computer caught fire.
Were you running
486 applications
on a 386 processor?
'Cause that'll do it.
Uh, no.
What I'm tryin' to say is, I..
I think that God
kept me out of that carpool.
Oh, wow.
Wouldn't that be something?
uh, actually, sir,
I was thinkin' about
devoting my life
to the church.
Oh, I see.
Well, I can't help you
out there, Drew.
That's between you and God.
But I can say this.
Follow your heart
and then you'll know
what to do.
I have to prepare
for the service.
It's good to have
you back, Drew.
Excuse me, reverend.
Um, we're having trouble
finding a place to sit.
And we were wondering..
[clears throat]
this rectory of yours..
doesn't happen to have
a pew in it, does it?
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Drew, we have a problem.
Nora's tryin'
to steal my kitten.
Oh! That is not your kitten.
I found it this morning
in the ladies' room.
He escaped out of my stall.
I only put him down
for a minute.
Right. That's what you
said about the UPS man.
Oh, man, this is great.
I've been readin' about
somethin' just like this.
I think this book can help.
Yeah, me too. Hit her with it.
I'll grab the cat.
Let's try somethin' else first.
Uh, give me the kitten
and I'm gonna cut it in half.
- What?
- No, it really works.
- Come here, give me the cat.
- You're insane.
Hey, everybody,
Drew has gone crazy.
He's got a knife!
He's gonna kill
a little kitten. Help!
I'm not crazy, it's just like
King Solomon in the Bible.
It's just like
cuttin' up a baby.
I'm gonna try to make a point.
Come on, let's go.
We'll share custody.
Like we did
with the UPS man.
Evil, evil, evil, evil. Stupid.
Oh, oh, wait. Oh, look,
a knife and a Bible.
Don't tell me, Old Testament.
You know,
this religious advice stuff
isn't as hard as
people make you think.
Well, which reminds me
while the two of you are here
I wanna talk about
premarital sex.
[clears throat]
Drew, you gotta
meet somebody first.
So you're still thinking
of becoming a minister, huh?
You haven't been
this carried away
since you had the idea
of the little model train
that brings your beer.
Well, the Chu-chu Chug
came to me in a dream.
But this is divine intervention.
Hmm, oh, that's what you
said when you came up
with the idea
for radio-controlled pizza.
Look, I'm serious.
Look, the reverend even
faxed me this questionnaire.
It's kinda like
an informal aptitude test.
I've been sittin'
on it all afternoon
answering questions
just like that.
"If you had the chance,
would you kill Hitler?"
No, because then
we wouldn't have an A&E channel.
Wait a minute.
If I did kill Hitler,
I'd be on the A&E channel
as the guy who killed Hitler.
What about
"Thou shalt not kill"?
Oh, sure.
Where is the part about
not touching yourself?
I know those.
Drew, we're gonna
see you later.
And I'm sure you're
gonna figure it out.
- Okay.
- Alright.
So, I see you got a Bible here.
Well, let me save you
a little reading.
You're goin' to hell!
[laughs]
Yeah, I always wanted
to see your place.
What doyouknow
about the Bible?
Uh, it just so happens
that I'm thinking
about becoming a minister.
[laughs sarcastically]
Oh, oh I'm gonna stay
with Baryshnikov
to be prima ballerina.
Didn't I see you in "Fantasia?"
"A dumb ass spoke
with human voice."
Check it out,
Second Book of Peter.
I can't get dragged into this.
The new Drew has to learn
to turn the other cheek.
Well, I hope you're not
talkin' about your butt
'cause I don't have all day.
[laughs]
Bring it home, Mimi. Yes!
Hope you're not
talkin' about your butt.
Hey, you want some
cream with that?
Open your purse.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Reverend Lindemann.
Workin' up some words of
wisdom for Sunday's sermon?
No, I'm making up
a batting order.
It's kind of a moral dilemma.
See, I'm thinking of asking
a partially-sighted girl
to bat cleanup.
Have you considered
cutting her in half?
That's not really the answer
to all your problems, Drew.
Oh, I know that.
Look, uh, I think you'd
be really proud of the way
I answered these questions.
- Oh.
- Could we go over them now?
Uh, sure.
Just give me a few minutes
and I'll be right back.
Alright.
Just going to step
into myrectory.
Go ahead.
I know you want to.
[chuckles]
All rise.
Please be seated.
Rise again
and now sit down.
And up and down.
And two more,
and three more.
And up and up ♪
I'm not a member but could I
have a word with you, reverend?
Who me? Oh, I'm just
kind of in training.
I'm not really..
What's the problem?
This is very complicated.
But I really need
someone to talk to.
Oh, sure.
How-how hard could it be?
Well, my husband just
left me for my sister.
Oh.
And I-I have a child
who needs an operation
but I-I don't have the money
'cause I just lost my job.
- I could get the money.
- There you go.
But it's from a friend who
I'm pretty sure stole it.
- Uh-oh. Hmm.
- But from drug dealers.
Is it wrong
to take the money?
Hold on just a second.
Let's see, lost job,
cheating sister, drug money..
Look, uh..
the real minister
is in the rectory.
Excuse me?
Yeah, this is a
little bit over my head.
Why did you let me
tell you all this?
I-I thought I was ready.
I-I thought I could help you.
If you wanna help me,
get me a job.
Oh, okay.
- What?
- No, I'm-I'm serious.
W-what do you do?
I've been a waitress.
I have a cafeteria.
I'm a personnel director
at Winfred-Louder, downtown.
Just, uh,
come by Monday morning.
I'll set up.
Just like that?
Yeah.
Just like that..
on faith.
Uh, but just don't
bring your family.
[instrumental music]
[all laughing]
- Hey.
- There you are.
Hey, Drew. So how'd it go
with the minister?
- Did you pass the test?
- No, I failed miserably.
I should've killed Hitler.
Lawyerscanget into heaven.
And I should have put the oxygen
mask on the kid first.
Sorry.
Well, we all chipped in
and got you little something
to help you study
for next time.
Oh.
Oh, wow. A digital Bible.
I always wondered
what John 3:16 meant.
Oh, look.
It says dye your hair
in three different colors
and sit behind homeplay.
[laughs]
Listen, uh,
that's really nice, thanks
but I don't think
there's gonna be a next time.
Hey, what happened
to Reverend Carey?
Well, I thought about it
and I, you know
I can help people
with the job I have now.
Besides, those moral dilemmas
were just too complex.
You know, I can't even decide
whether Razzles
is a candy or a gum.
So what, you're gonna blow off
this whole minister thing?
No way. I'm gonna start
goin' to church every Sunday..
right after the Super Bowl.
[sniffs]
Me too.
- Hey, where's the beer?
- Hup, comin' right up.
[train whirring]
[train whistles]
[bottles clattering]
[exclaiming]
Oh, my God.
My beer could've been
on that train.
[instrumental music]
No, Drew, our church usually
doesn't do this sort of thing.
Well, believe me,
it's an emergency.
You know, things
have gotten pretty ugly.
Let's see, uh, cross, vestment..
Oh, darn, I forgot my Bible.
Oh! Well, here, use mine.
Oh, thank you.
"Touch a booby."
I believe this is yours.
Oh, we're getting closer,
can you feel the chill?
Uh, well, a little.
Here she is, right there.
Commence the exorcism.
Drew, it's just a woman.
What do you want?
I think we're gonna
need a Catholic for this one.
[instrumental music]
[baby chuckles]
[instrumental music]