The Great Indoors (2016) s01e15 Episode Script
Relationship Jack
1 Okay, since we have a lot of work to do, let's start with your interruptions.
So, last night, where'd you party? Who'd you make out with? What bird attacked you? Oxygen Bar.
Bathroom attendant.
Oh, I am banned from that pet store.
Who wants a box of free stuff? I've got a box of free stuff.
Yes.
Boop, boop.
I enjoyed that more than I should have.
So it turns out everyone wants a piece of our âAdventure Destinationâ" issue, so sponsors are flooding us with free products.
Yes, it's the forbidden dance between journalism and commerce.
Like two nervous lovers, hungrily pawing each other in a tattered futon.
That's, like, straight from my diary.
Yes, you left it in the men's room.
Now, you all know that the âAdventure Destinationsâ issue is our biggest revenue generator, second only to our âSexiest Sherpasâ calendar.
Oh, I would love to see what's hiding under that tee-tung.
Right.
So, uh, let's have at it.
All right, so you all work on product integration, and I will come up with a feature idea this weekend.
It's a big, big big responsibility.
Oh.
Yes.
Don't forget your thesaurus.
What about a story on the best place to use this exotic bird caller? [makes goofy bird call.]
That's a funnel so female hikers can urinate standing up.
Why would anyone ever use this? Oh, there you are.
Okay, I have a lot of work this weekend, but I scheduled three hours for us tonight, so, do you want to have sex before we go to the restaurant, or just hope we get an Uber driver who's willing to look the other way? First of all, we are never gonna find another driver as cool as Bogdan.
And slow down on the plans.
You don't always have to be the man.
[chuckles.]
That's not what my mom said after Dad left.
I'm just saying, Eddie is gone for the weekend.
What if I told you Con Air is about to start? It is? Well, technically, Con Air is always about to start.
Anyway, here.
Sit.
Here we go.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
So now what? What just happened? I just spent 48 straight hours with you, and I don't want to murder you.
[gasps.]
That's Jack speak for âI love youâ [chuckles.]
I don't want to murder you, either.
- Well, I don't want to murder you.
- [laughs.]
Just your nose.
Just your nose.
- Don't - Hey, guys.
Whoa, looks like you haven't moved off that couch all weekend.
We haven't.
Except for most of our bathroom breaks.
Most? Oh, hey, I hope you don't mind, but I snagged some of your blankies.
No problem.
Did you say âblankiesâ? No.
That doesn't sound like anything I would say, you silly goose.
[laughs.]
Oh.
My bad.
Hey, excuse me, won't you? [laughs.]
- JACK: You're a silly goose.
- [laughing.]
We have a problem.
Relationship Jack is back.
[eagle screeches.]
javiernv [phone ringing.]
Hey, Esther.
How was your weekend? Ugh.
I got kicked out of laser tag for playing topless, so I keyed every car in the parking lot.
Mm-hmm.
Then what happened? You've never asked me a follow-up question.
I don't know what to do right now.
Here's what you do: have a lovely day.
Hello, cub reporters! ROLAND: Um, Jack, you and I need to hop on that call to our Moscow-based law firm of Stoli, Smirnoff and, uh Kirkland Signature.
Come on.
I received a rather distressing call from Edward last night.
Oh.
Did he butt-dial you from spin class again? No.
Worse.
Jack, you know how much I admire your passion as a lover.
It's cool.
Totally normal way to start a Monday morning meeting.
But I wouldn't want it to get in the way of your true love Productivity.
You know, you must admit that sometimes passion gets the best of you.
Yes, I know I've gotten distracted in the past, but that's not gonna happen this time.
Excellent.
So, uh, what feature ideas did you come up with over the weekend? Okay, this is gonna contradict the thing I just said.
Uh, I got nothing.
I spent the weekend with Rachel just living that snug life.
But I promise to stay late tonight and-and get it all done.
Thank you.
All I've ever wanted is what's best for me.
I think you meant to say I know what I said.
BROOKE: Aw.
Look at those two cuddled up like they're in the second half of an erectile dysfunction commercial.
- It's sweet, isn't it? - Oh, no.
We are not rooting for this.
That is Relationship Jack.
He's a nightmare, and a liar! So, what's wrong with Jack being happy? Everything Jack Gordon does, he does 110%, whether it's at the office, in love, or, for three months, Scientology.
EDDIE: But when he gets that obsessed with one thing, like a relationship Everything else suffers.
His relationships, his-his the magazine.
Um, I don't know why I'm listing it out.
I said âeverything else,â hmm? Worst of all, that kind of intensity scares people off.
That's why his old girlfriend Jessie cheated on him.
That's also why he got kicked out of Scientology.
Mm.
We have to get him to find some kind of balance.
Otherwise, he's headed for a heartache.
And more importantly, the magazine's adventure issue is doomed.
I didn't sound dire enough.
The adventure issue is doomed! Come on.
Jack's an adult.
I'm sure he can be in a relationship and do his job at the same time.
I know, I know.
I didn't get you those feature ideas, but I have a great excuse.
She's five-foot-three and made of unicorn giggles.
So, are you gonna get those ideas to us by tomorrow? Eddie, I need a bottle of your finest shampers.
One glass, two straws.
You see, Jack is our apex predator.
But he's been tamed like a, like a circus lion, or Amanda Bynes when she was taken off Twitter.
And that could upset our entire office ecosystem.
And so if talking to him won't work, what do we do? Well, in the wild, you stoke a predator's bloodlust by threatening its dominance.
So we should confront Jack with a weaker animal.
W-Why you guys looking at me? Is my mom's lipstick on my face again? Clark, you must directly challenge Jack - in his own territory.
- [sighs.]
So, come on, in the chair.
In his chair.
Oh, I don't don't know if I should, Roland.
[sighs.]
Oh, Mommy, that's the stuff.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
I made breakfast in bed for Rachel.
One thing led to another, and before you know it, we're watching Bar Rescue.
End this madness.
Jack, we have a lot to do, so I started the meeting without you.
And you're gonna sit over there where I normally do.
All right.
Your assignment is to make this âDestination Adventureâ issue an out-of-the-park slam dunk.
From here on in, I will manage everything.
So how does that make you feel, Jack? I'll tell you how that makes me feel.
Hmm? Proud.
You are a lifesaver, Clark.
If you step up around the office, that'll give me more time to plan something for Rachel's half-birthday.
It's exactly six months from today! Brooke, um, you and I need to hop onto that call, uh, to the Mexican law firm of Cuervo, Cazadores and, uh Kirkland Signature.
I guess, in the meantime, someone should start ranking those Costa Rican tree house hotels? I can do that.
[sighs.]
And I could use a cup of coffee, mostly milk.
Sure.
[gasps.]
Nice try, chair.
There's a new ass in town.
Wow, Dad, I haven't been at one of your secret day drinks since I was, like, 12.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, I do still feel bad about bringing that up at the custody hearing.
Yeah.
Uh, now, what are we gonna do about Jack? Well, Jack is a predator who's been domesticated.
I mean, maybe we need to return him to his natural habitat.
Yes, of course, but I'm afraid the Counting Crows aren't touring anymore.
No, but I have a better idea.
You're just gonna have to trust me.
Yes, that's what you said before the custody hearing.
Jack! We've got exciting news.
So do I.
I'm buying a bread maker.
Ugh.
So our âAdventure Destinationâ issue needs something big, and what could be bigger than âJack Gordon Returns to the Outdoorsâ? We're sending you back into the field.
But I thought that wasn't in the budget.
Well, I could probably divert some emergency funds that I was going to invest in a, in a build-your-own-teddy-bear store.
Well, how will this work? Well, it's really simple.
The customer chooses a teddy bear, and then they can add little boots and scarves and rollerblades.
Look, you know that I would love to go back in the field, but I can't just take off now.
I'm really happy right now, so I'm gonna have to pass.
Okay, I've thought about it some more.
Can you make two teddy bears sewn into a hug? Get out.
Oh, Jack.
I didn't know you were home today.
Are you alone? A man in love is never alone.
Rachel's taking a poop.
I told her she could leave the door open, but she said, âWe're not there yet.
â Yeah, I've told you the same thing.
Shouldn't you be at work? I'm noodling on some feature ideas from home today with Rachy-Rache and the Huggy Bunch.
Look, be in love, but don't lose sight of everything else.
I won't.
The Jack Gordon inspiration machine runs best on heart juice.
I want to hurt you so very badly.
All right, my dears, now, I realize that Jack is taking some personal time, but it's important that we forge ahead.
So let's just pretend he died.
Guys, is it really true we can't get anything done without Jack? It's stranger, though, because usually when-when an apex predator like Jack leaves an ecosystem, then an invasive species will fill the void.
[elevator bell dings.]
Morning, Esther.
Morning, Jack.
All right, Clark Scouts, today you earn your merit badges in not sucking.
Hey, Clark, we Holy crap.
Have you been working out? Where are your glasses? Don't need 'em anymore.
I'm seeing things a lot more clearly now.
Also, I put in my 'tacts.
Now, work assignments.
Bam! Kayaking in the Amazon.
Do not disappoint me.
Okay, Dad.
I mean Jack.
I mean Clark.
Whoa.
A lot to unpack there.
Whap! Riding sea turtles in the Galapagos.
Dazzle me, baby doll.
That's sexist but okay.
BROOKE: Okay, great, that's two articles, but what am I supposed to tell our sponsors about the rest of the issue? You know, with Jack gone, I've got twice as much work Oh, my God.
Your fingers are a miracle.
So Clark's hot now.
[sighs.]
: Oh! Oh, I thought it was just me.
It's like he doesn't care what anyone thinks.
And that makes me want to know what he thinks.
I can't stop staring at his butt.
Since he massaged me, it's it's like I can see colors for the first time.
I never saw Clark as a sexual, or even a physical being, but now ooh, boy.
And let's not forget about his butt! All right, time to focus on the issue.
Jack is a lost cause.
Say that to my face, four-eyes.
Ah, two-eyes.
You look good.
I know you guys have had your doubts about me lately, but it's not like I've forgotten how to do my job.
In fact, I have come up with the perfect feature idea for our âAdventure Destinationsâ issue.
Well, that's wonderful! Jack, I-I need you to know that despite the numerous calls, the certified letters, and the threatened legal action, I never once doubted you.
Risk plus courage equals adventure.
Okay.
Strong stuff.
But the best adventure is one that is shared.
With that special someone.
Oh, crap.
Why go anywhere when you can cuddle with your better half and turn that vacation Don't say it.
into a stay-cuddle-cation? [all groan.]
Jack, for once, I'm I am lost for words.
Well, I got two of them: total suckage.
Clark, that's so mean.
Don't stop.
Well, maybe when you guys find love, you'll understand.
Jack, I'm engaged.
I've been married six times Wait, wait, no.
Yeah, six times.
Maybe I'm the only one here who's truly happy, because I'm living my life out loud, unapologetically.
[all groan.]
That's it, you are off this issue.
Off? You're dismissing me? Damn right I am.
You are a disgrace to rugged masculinity.
You don't even deserve this beard.
The joke's on you.
I don't really need this anymore.
Rachel's my beard now.
We all heard that, right? E'rybody chill.
I can handle all of Jack's 'sponsibilities.
So you're gonna edit the entire magazine and write a feature from scratch? In 24 hours? [snorts.]
I can do it in eight.
Seven, if I don't get too distracted.
Clark, I don't want to cast doubt on your leadership instincts, but do you have any? Not a one, Ro-Ro.
[chuckles.]
Not a one.
Beep-a-beep-a-bada.
You know, I've always fancied myself as a hopeless romantic, but the sight of Jack in love makes me want to punch myself in the groin until I vomit blood.
Ah, here comes the foul temptress now.
If you're looking for your big spoon, he's upstairs.
Oh, I know exactly where he is, thanks.
I needed a breather, so I snuck out while he was looking for a pair of sweatpants big enough for us to share.
Wait, so you're sick of Relationship Jack already? I just wanted him to focus on us a little more.
I didn't know I was unleashing the Cuddle Kraken.
We've got to do something.
Agreed.
Usually I would let a wild species evolve on its own, but screw that noise.
I say we drug Jack, take him to the woods, and reprogram him.
I was gonna suggest having a serious talk with him.
Fine, we'll do it the hard way.
Oh, hey.
It looks like someone drafted my fantasy snuggle team.
We need to talk to you, Jack.
You haven't been yourself lately.
You promised you'd try and find some kind of balance, but instead, once again, you've hurled your entire being into one thing.
Maybe don't call me a thing.
It's not just Relationship Jack we've had to deal with over the years.
There have been so many obsessive Jacks.
Yeah, there was Swing Dancing Jack Burning Man Jack Oh, and let's not forget the celebrity gambling phase Jack Black Blackjack Jack.
All right, so I'm a little obsessive.
But when I find something I'm passionate about, I go all-in.
And because of that, it never ends well.
But you know what the saddest Jack of all is? Post-relationship Jack.
Oh, my God.
That was right after your old girlfriend Jessie left.
Look at how miserable that guy is.
And see how bloated he is.
H-How much weight did I gain? Enough for your neck to develop side-boobs, but that's not really important.
The point is that you you neglected your job and your friends for Jessie, so when she left, you had nothing.
I'm doing that again.
Why? Why am I so puffy? I love that you are all-in on us, but what if you were 20% less in? Because I don't want you to lose all the things that made me fall for you in the first place.
I'm sorry.
I haven't been a great friend or coworker, and you deserve the best, most tolerant version of me.
Not the guy who looks like patient-zero for lactose intolerance.
Clark, the issue goes live in 45 minutes.
You promised you'd cover the feature article.
I promised a lot of things, little lady.
Okay, you do realize that just saying things confidently isn't a replacement for actual leadership? You bet your ass I do.
CLARK: Oh, Jack! You here to pitch an article about the most exotic places for a man to pee sitting down? I really appreciate what you've done for me this week.
You've shown a lot of guts.
Now please get the hell out of my chair.
[sighs.]
Thank God.
That did not feel right.
Back to being a couple links further down the food chain.
Welcome home, Clarky.
BOTH: Aw.
All right, here's the feature.
âJack Gordon Hits Five Continents in Five Days.
â I'm gonna live-journal the entire trip, which starts now.
Emma, Mason, I need you to create an interactive tracker.
Oh, like when you order pizza online.
Except the pizza's you.
The pizza's always me.
So will we ever see cool Clark again? Depends on who's looking for him sugar boobs.
Oh, my God! Jack, for the record, it was nice to see you happy.
Just not that happy.
I know.
I appreciate that.
And I appreciate the magazine paying for Rachel to join me on two of the five continents.
- We're doing what? - Yeah.
It's a working va-cuddle-cation.
Bye!
So, last night, where'd you party? Who'd you make out with? What bird attacked you? Oxygen Bar.
Bathroom attendant.
Oh, I am banned from that pet store.
Who wants a box of free stuff? I've got a box of free stuff.
Yes.
Boop, boop.
I enjoyed that more than I should have.
So it turns out everyone wants a piece of our âAdventure Destinationâ" issue, so sponsors are flooding us with free products.
Yes, it's the forbidden dance between journalism and commerce.
Like two nervous lovers, hungrily pawing each other in a tattered futon.
That's, like, straight from my diary.
Yes, you left it in the men's room.
Now, you all know that the âAdventure Destinationsâ issue is our biggest revenue generator, second only to our âSexiest Sherpasâ calendar.
Oh, I would love to see what's hiding under that tee-tung.
Right.
So, uh, let's have at it.
All right, so you all work on product integration, and I will come up with a feature idea this weekend.
It's a big, big big responsibility.
Oh.
Yes.
Don't forget your thesaurus.
What about a story on the best place to use this exotic bird caller? [makes goofy bird call.]
That's a funnel so female hikers can urinate standing up.
Why would anyone ever use this? Oh, there you are.
Okay, I have a lot of work this weekend, but I scheduled three hours for us tonight, so, do you want to have sex before we go to the restaurant, or just hope we get an Uber driver who's willing to look the other way? First of all, we are never gonna find another driver as cool as Bogdan.
And slow down on the plans.
You don't always have to be the man.
[chuckles.]
That's not what my mom said after Dad left.
I'm just saying, Eddie is gone for the weekend.
What if I told you Con Air is about to start? It is? Well, technically, Con Air is always about to start.
Anyway, here.
Sit.
Here we go.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
So now what? What just happened? I just spent 48 straight hours with you, and I don't want to murder you.
[gasps.]
That's Jack speak for âI love youâ [chuckles.]
I don't want to murder you, either.
- Well, I don't want to murder you.
- [laughs.]
Just your nose.
Just your nose.
- Don't - Hey, guys.
Whoa, looks like you haven't moved off that couch all weekend.
We haven't.
Except for most of our bathroom breaks.
Most? Oh, hey, I hope you don't mind, but I snagged some of your blankies.
No problem.
Did you say âblankiesâ? No.
That doesn't sound like anything I would say, you silly goose.
[laughs.]
Oh.
My bad.
Hey, excuse me, won't you? [laughs.]
- JACK: You're a silly goose.
- [laughing.]
We have a problem.
Relationship Jack is back.
[eagle screeches.]
javiernv [phone ringing.]
Hey, Esther.
How was your weekend? Ugh.
I got kicked out of laser tag for playing topless, so I keyed every car in the parking lot.
Mm-hmm.
Then what happened? You've never asked me a follow-up question.
I don't know what to do right now.
Here's what you do: have a lovely day.
Hello, cub reporters! ROLAND: Um, Jack, you and I need to hop on that call to our Moscow-based law firm of Stoli, Smirnoff and, uh Kirkland Signature.
Come on.
I received a rather distressing call from Edward last night.
Oh.
Did he butt-dial you from spin class again? No.
Worse.
Jack, you know how much I admire your passion as a lover.
It's cool.
Totally normal way to start a Monday morning meeting.
But I wouldn't want it to get in the way of your true love Productivity.
You know, you must admit that sometimes passion gets the best of you.
Yes, I know I've gotten distracted in the past, but that's not gonna happen this time.
Excellent.
So, uh, what feature ideas did you come up with over the weekend? Okay, this is gonna contradict the thing I just said.
Uh, I got nothing.
I spent the weekend with Rachel just living that snug life.
But I promise to stay late tonight and-and get it all done.
Thank you.
All I've ever wanted is what's best for me.
I think you meant to say I know what I said.
BROOKE: Aw.
Look at those two cuddled up like they're in the second half of an erectile dysfunction commercial.
- It's sweet, isn't it? - Oh, no.
We are not rooting for this.
That is Relationship Jack.
He's a nightmare, and a liar! So, what's wrong with Jack being happy? Everything Jack Gordon does, he does 110%, whether it's at the office, in love, or, for three months, Scientology.
EDDIE: But when he gets that obsessed with one thing, like a relationship Everything else suffers.
His relationships, his-his the magazine.
Um, I don't know why I'm listing it out.
I said âeverything else,â hmm? Worst of all, that kind of intensity scares people off.
That's why his old girlfriend Jessie cheated on him.
That's also why he got kicked out of Scientology.
Mm.
We have to get him to find some kind of balance.
Otherwise, he's headed for a heartache.
And more importantly, the magazine's adventure issue is doomed.
I didn't sound dire enough.
The adventure issue is doomed! Come on.
Jack's an adult.
I'm sure he can be in a relationship and do his job at the same time.
I know, I know.
I didn't get you those feature ideas, but I have a great excuse.
She's five-foot-three and made of unicorn giggles.
So, are you gonna get those ideas to us by tomorrow? Eddie, I need a bottle of your finest shampers.
One glass, two straws.
You see, Jack is our apex predator.
But he's been tamed like a, like a circus lion, or Amanda Bynes when she was taken off Twitter.
And that could upset our entire office ecosystem.
And so if talking to him won't work, what do we do? Well, in the wild, you stoke a predator's bloodlust by threatening its dominance.
So we should confront Jack with a weaker animal.
W-Why you guys looking at me? Is my mom's lipstick on my face again? Clark, you must directly challenge Jack - in his own territory.
- [sighs.]
So, come on, in the chair.
In his chair.
Oh, I don't don't know if I should, Roland.
[sighs.]
Oh, Mommy, that's the stuff.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
I made breakfast in bed for Rachel.
One thing led to another, and before you know it, we're watching Bar Rescue.
End this madness.
Jack, we have a lot to do, so I started the meeting without you.
And you're gonna sit over there where I normally do.
All right.
Your assignment is to make this âDestination Adventureâ issue an out-of-the-park slam dunk.
From here on in, I will manage everything.
So how does that make you feel, Jack? I'll tell you how that makes me feel.
Hmm? Proud.
You are a lifesaver, Clark.
If you step up around the office, that'll give me more time to plan something for Rachel's half-birthday.
It's exactly six months from today! Brooke, um, you and I need to hop onto that call, uh, to the Mexican law firm of Cuervo, Cazadores and, uh Kirkland Signature.
I guess, in the meantime, someone should start ranking those Costa Rican tree house hotels? I can do that.
[sighs.]
And I could use a cup of coffee, mostly milk.
Sure.
[gasps.]
Nice try, chair.
There's a new ass in town.
Wow, Dad, I haven't been at one of your secret day drinks since I was, like, 12.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, I do still feel bad about bringing that up at the custody hearing.
Yeah.
Uh, now, what are we gonna do about Jack? Well, Jack is a predator who's been domesticated.
I mean, maybe we need to return him to his natural habitat.
Yes, of course, but I'm afraid the Counting Crows aren't touring anymore.
No, but I have a better idea.
You're just gonna have to trust me.
Yes, that's what you said before the custody hearing.
Jack! We've got exciting news.
So do I.
I'm buying a bread maker.
Ugh.
So our âAdventure Destinationâ issue needs something big, and what could be bigger than âJack Gordon Returns to the Outdoorsâ? We're sending you back into the field.
But I thought that wasn't in the budget.
Well, I could probably divert some emergency funds that I was going to invest in a, in a build-your-own-teddy-bear store.
Well, how will this work? Well, it's really simple.
The customer chooses a teddy bear, and then they can add little boots and scarves and rollerblades.
Look, you know that I would love to go back in the field, but I can't just take off now.
I'm really happy right now, so I'm gonna have to pass.
Okay, I've thought about it some more.
Can you make two teddy bears sewn into a hug? Get out.
Oh, Jack.
I didn't know you were home today.
Are you alone? A man in love is never alone.
Rachel's taking a poop.
I told her she could leave the door open, but she said, âWe're not there yet.
â Yeah, I've told you the same thing.
Shouldn't you be at work? I'm noodling on some feature ideas from home today with Rachy-Rache and the Huggy Bunch.
Look, be in love, but don't lose sight of everything else.
I won't.
The Jack Gordon inspiration machine runs best on heart juice.
I want to hurt you so very badly.
All right, my dears, now, I realize that Jack is taking some personal time, but it's important that we forge ahead.
So let's just pretend he died.
Guys, is it really true we can't get anything done without Jack? It's stranger, though, because usually when-when an apex predator like Jack leaves an ecosystem, then an invasive species will fill the void.
[elevator bell dings.]
Morning, Esther.
Morning, Jack.
All right, Clark Scouts, today you earn your merit badges in not sucking.
Hey, Clark, we Holy crap.
Have you been working out? Where are your glasses? Don't need 'em anymore.
I'm seeing things a lot more clearly now.
Also, I put in my 'tacts.
Now, work assignments.
Bam! Kayaking in the Amazon.
Do not disappoint me.
Okay, Dad.
I mean Jack.
I mean Clark.
Whoa.
A lot to unpack there.
Whap! Riding sea turtles in the Galapagos.
Dazzle me, baby doll.
That's sexist but okay.
BROOKE: Okay, great, that's two articles, but what am I supposed to tell our sponsors about the rest of the issue? You know, with Jack gone, I've got twice as much work Oh, my God.
Your fingers are a miracle.
So Clark's hot now.
[sighs.]
: Oh! Oh, I thought it was just me.
It's like he doesn't care what anyone thinks.
And that makes me want to know what he thinks.
I can't stop staring at his butt.
Since he massaged me, it's it's like I can see colors for the first time.
I never saw Clark as a sexual, or even a physical being, but now ooh, boy.
And let's not forget about his butt! All right, time to focus on the issue.
Jack is a lost cause.
Say that to my face, four-eyes.
Ah, two-eyes.
You look good.
I know you guys have had your doubts about me lately, but it's not like I've forgotten how to do my job.
In fact, I have come up with the perfect feature idea for our âAdventure Destinationsâ issue.
Well, that's wonderful! Jack, I-I need you to know that despite the numerous calls, the certified letters, and the threatened legal action, I never once doubted you.
Risk plus courage equals adventure.
Okay.
Strong stuff.
But the best adventure is one that is shared.
With that special someone.
Oh, crap.
Why go anywhere when you can cuddle with your better half and turn that vacation Don't say it.
into a stay-cuddle-cation? [all groan.]
Jack, for once, I'm I am lost for words.
Well, I got two of them: total suckage.
Clark, that's so mean.
Don't stop.
Well, maybe when you guys find love, you'll understand.
Jack, I'm engaged.
I've been married six times Wait, wait, no.
Yeah, six times.
Maybe I'm the only one here who's truly happy, because I'm living my life out loud, unapologetically.
[all groan.]
That's it, you are off this issue.
Off? You're dismissing me? Damn right I am.
You are a disgrace to rugged masculinity.
You don't even deserve this beard.
The joke's on you.
I don't really need this anymore.
Rachel's my beard now.
We all heard that, right? E'rybody chill.
I can handle all of Jack's 'sponsibilities.
So you're gonna edit the entire magazine and write a feature from scratch? In 24 hours? [snorts.]
I can do it in eight.
Seven, if I don't get too distracted.
Clark, I don't want to cast doubt on your leadership instincts, but do you have any? Not a one, Ro-Ro.
[chuckles.]
Not a one.
Beep-a-beep-a-bada.
You know, I've always fancied myself as a hopeless romantic, but the sight of Jack in love makes me want to punch myself in the groin until I vomit blood.
Ah, here comes the foul temptress now.
If you're looking for your big spoon, he's upstairs.
Oh, I know exactly where he is, thanks.
I needed a breather, so I snuck out while he was looking for a pair of sweatpants big enough for us to share.
Wait, so you're sick of Relationship Jack already? I just wanted him to focus on us a little more.
I didn't know I was unleashing the Cuddle Kraken.
We've got to do something.
Agreed.
Usually I would let a wild species evolve on its own, but screw that noise.
I say we drug Jack, take him to the woods, and reprogram him.
I was gonna suggest having a serious talk with him.
Fine, we'll do it the hard way.
Oh, hey.
It looks like someone drafted my fantasy snuggle team.
We need to talk to you, Jack.
You haven't been yourself lately.
You promised you'd try and find some kind of balance, but instead, once again, you've hurled your entire being into one thing.
Maybe don't call me a thing.
It's not just Relationship Jack we've had to deal with over the years.
There have been so many obsessive Jacks.
Yeah, there was Swing Dancing Jack Burning Man Jack Oh, and let's not forget the celebrity gambling phase Jack Black Blackjack Jack.
All right, so I'm a little obsessive.
But when I find something I'm passionate about, I go all-in.
And because of that, it never ends well.
But you know what the saddest Jack of all is? Post-relationship Jack.
Oh, my God.
That was right after your old girlfriend Jessie left.
Look at how miserable that guy is.
And see how bloated he is.
H-How much weight did I gain? Enough for your neck to develop side-boobs, but that's not really important.
The point is that you you neglected your job and your friends for Jessie, so when she left, you had nothing.
I'm doing that again.
Why? Why am I so puffy? I love that you are all-in on us, but what if you were 20% less in? Because I don't want you to lose all the things that made me fall for you in the first place.
I'm sorry.
I haven't been a great friend or coworker, and you deserve the best, most tolerant version of me.
Not the guy who looks like patient-zero for lactose intolerance.
Clark, the issue goes live in 45 minutes.
You promised you'd cover the feature article.
I promised a lot of things, little lady.
Okay, you do realize that just saying things confidently isn't a replacement for actual leadership? You bet your ass I do.
CLARK: Oh, Jack! You here to pitch an article about the most exotic places for a man to pee sitting down? I really appreciate what you've done for me this week.
You've shown a lot of guts.
Now please get the hell out of my chair.
[sighs.]
Thank God.
That did not feel right.
Back to being a couple links further down the food chain.
Welcome home, Clarky.
BOTH: Aw.
All right, here's the feature.
âJack Gordon Hits Five Continents in Five Days.
â I'm gonna live-journal the entire trip, which starts now.
Emma, Mason, I need you to create an interactive tracker.
Oh, like when you order pizza online.
Except the pizza's you.
The pizza's always me.
So will we ever see cool Clark again? Depends on who's looking for him sugar boobs.
Oh, my God! Jack, for the record, it was nice to see you happy.
Just not that happy.
I know.
I appreciate that.
And I appreciate the magazine paying for Rachel to join me on two of the five continents.
- We're doing what? - Yeah.
It's a working va-cuddle-cation.
Bye!