The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e15 Episode Script
Nine Birthdays
1 ADULT TIMMY: Growing up, we rarely got any individual attention from my mom.
And you didn't really want it.
Why can't you be taller? What's the point of feeding you if you're not doing anything with it? The nurse at school said I lost an inch.
But one day a year was different our birthdays.
Mom went to town with the arts and crafts.
Her chosen media construction paper, Elmer's Glue, and garbage.
ALL: Happy birthday, dear William Happy birthday to you - TIMMY: Make a wish! - [Camera whirring.]
I wish I could see.
Just paw around till you hit frosting.
Congratulations.
10 is a milestone.
I'm finally off the kids' menu.
At the movies, you're still 9.
I found a dime in my cake.
As a treat, when I mixed the batter, I threw in all the spare change from your father's car ashtray.
There's cake money? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh! Hey! Stop stabbing my cake! - I just want the money! - Hey! Don't run with that knife! You might fall and bend it.
- WILLIAM: Joey! Hey! Stop! - Here's the old candles, Mom.
They're getting pretty stubby.
Well, if you kids sang the song faster, it might stretch for a few more birthdays.
Oh, just toss 'em, Peg.
There's nothing you can do with those.
Two fun facts about my mother she liked a creative challenge and didn't like my father telling her what to do.
Happy birthday to you Andy doesn't get a wish? Oh, he'd just waste it on a rattle or a diaper change.
What do people think of my Pinocchio? Made it out of used birthday candles and real hair I salvaged from the shower drain.
Oh, that's what that weird smell is.
What you're smelling is me being right.
You told me I should throw those candles away.
[Knife clatters.]
- Lawrence! - Hey.
You came down from the seminary.
Boy howdy, look at that hair.
I know, it's getting a little shaggy.
A little? You look like Cousin Itt.
[Laughing.]
Yeah.
[Cartoon music plays.]
You missed cake.
Where were you? TIMMY: Hanging around the "Brady Bunch" house hoping to be discovered.
Was Marcia there? Ah, she's a fox.
I could go for Jan, too.
She's insecure - I can work with that.
- Nobody was there.
They don't even film the show at that house.
Showbiz is all lies.
I can't wait to be a part of it.
Boy, that Casper is one friendly ghost.
We will be seeing more of him later or not! He's a ghost! ADULT TIMMY: "Boxcar Benji" was a local show back in the good ol' days when homelessness was still funny.
BOXCAR BENJI: Let's have all the birthday boys and girls come on out here and strut their stuff.
ADULT TIMMY: That's when it hit me this show could be a way to finally get my adorable mug on television.
Certainly all the big agents watched "Boxcar Benji.
" I was this close to being discovered.
Man, these kids are embarrassing themselves.
- I've got to get on this show.
- Boxcar Benji It's a hot ticket.
I could get you in.
It'll cost you 20 bucks.
And a hug.
You want a hug? Not really, but it's funny to make you do it.
Come on.
Get in here! This Nixon candle is really good.
My Young Republican club could sell these to raise money for the campaign.
That's Pinocchio, not Nixon.
Either way, it's a good notion.
We're setting up a table at the swap meet.
We can donate all the proceeds to the Committee to Re-Elect.
What do I know about politics? You made a spot-on sculpture of Richard Nixon.
I did, didn't I? Well, I'd need more wax.
I suppose I could ask Helen Portollo from the Altar Society to save the old church candles.
Show owes me a favor since I pretend to be her friend.
You won't be sorry, honey.
Some day when you tell folks you were a Nixon supporter, they'll look at you in a certain way.
- Hmm.
- Amen.
ADULT TIMMY: On Eddie's birthday every year, Mom went to twice as much trouble.
- Want any more pancakes? - No thanks, Mom.
It seems Eddie had a twin with him in the womb who disappeared during the first trimester.
Mom had made her mind up that the vanishing twin was a girl.
And Eddie forever carried the stigma of having absorbed his sister "Lynn.
" Sure you don't want any more? Bad things happen when you're hungry.
I'm fine.
Then it's time to go.
PEGGY, EDDIE & PAT: Happy birthday, dear Lynn Happy birthday to you And many more [Clicks tongue.]
[Blows air.]
Lynn's here.
We've stirred her! - Look! - Oh, nonsense.
Lynn's up in Heaven.
And she wouldn't be wearing denim on her birthday.
Maybe she's come for revenge.
This is gonna be distracting.
Please ask that girl to leave the cemetery.
[Sighs.]
EDDIE: It's just one day a year.
It's just one day a year.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
Sorry to bother you, especially if you're grieving.
But could you please mourn someplace else? You're scaring my little brother.
He thinks you're the ghost of my dead twin who I absorbed in the womb.
I get that a lot.
What's with the camera? Is this somebody famous? The original Lassie is buried here somewhere.
He was really a boy, by the way.
This is the grave of Jean Kittering.
The first women doctor in this area.
So, who did women go to before he came along? A woman doctor, not a doctor for women.
So he wouldn't treat women? No, she was a woman.
Oh! And I assumed because Jean was a doctor she couldn't be a woman.
That's a nice reminder that women can do anything.
Except play Lassie who is around here somewhere.
Because it's somebody's birthday! Is it? [TV audience shouts.]
Yeah! - No?! - Here you are.
"Boxcar Benji.
" - Outstanding.
- I thought so.
"All audience members must be 10 years of age or younger.
" Oh, no problem.
My headshot says I can play 8 to 25.
An "ID will be required.
" I'll get you a fake ID, easy.
I-I could even get you a pilot's license.
By the way, if you ever hear, "This is your captain, Warren Ashby," I suggest a hasty disembark.
[Doorbell chimes.]
BOXCAR BENJI: Check your bindles at the door April Portollo? [Laughs.]
Last time I saw you was the fourth grade, we were playing hide and seek.
- Well, then I'd say I won.
- [Laughs.]
My mom asked me to drop these off for your mom.
Yeah, she needs wax for her Nixon project.
I thought Agnew was the one made of wax.
And Nixon was made out of lies and children's tears.
Well, my dad says that in these tough times, we need a strong leader like Nixon.
Hmm.
What do you say? Even Catholics are entitled to think for themselves.
Hmm.
I guess I repeat what my dad says, just in a less frightening tone.
WENDI: How often do you come out here? EDDIE: Just for my birthday.
Which would have been Lynn's birthday, too, if I hadn't hogged all the amniotic fluid.
That's so strange, because I crave amniotic fluid.
[Imitating ghost.]
Oooooooooh.
- I'm kidding.
- [Laughing.]
If I was your sister's ghost, would I ask you to take me out some time? You heard all my weird family stuff - and you still want to go out with me? - [Paper rustles.]
You're cute, plus you know a lot about Lassie.
I do.
For the dangerous stunts, they used a Shetland pony in a collie suit.
- But I'll save the rest for our date.
- [Motor whirring in distance.]
I should go before I change my mind.
Thank you, Lynn! Oh, no.
Oh, no, no! No, no! Aah! No! [Gasping.]
[Panting.]
Oh.
There's Lassie.
Kids, let's go! Birthday time! ADULT TIMMY: My mom got pretty busy making and selling candles for Nixon.
It fell to our dad to take over when it came to our birthdays.
Where's all the decorations? Here.
Turn this into a crown.
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you The song's almost over Happy birthday To you Make a wish.
There aren't any candles.
Just blow on the cake so we can eat it.
I'll help.
I'm definitely not having any now.
Enjoy your spit cake.
Want to go get his present? Or you could go get his present.
I worked a long day, stopped to get dinner and a cake on my way home, so I guess now I'll go to our bedroom and get Frank that present we put a lot of thought into.
[Chuckles.]
I know a lucky boy who's getting a shoe tree.
- Yes! - [Door closes.]
Hey.
Did I miss Frank's birthday? I bought him a shaving kit.
Oh, so thoughtful.
This is from me now.
So you're still in the candle business? I just hope these Nixon people put the money to good use.
Yeah, buy more fear-mongering TV ads.
Yeah, those are very good.
- Vote for Nixon or ka-boom! - Yeah.
It's good to see you doing your own thing, Mom.
You've always been so talented, yeah.
It's time other people saw that.
Ugh, people.
I like making stuff for our family.
But now that I'm part of the Nixon administration, who has the time? Other than the shaving kit, I really dropped the ball on Frank's birthday.
Then stop making candles.
Dad'll understand.
Then Nixon loses, the Reds take over, the whole country's mad at me? No thanks.
- Mom, Pat's choking! - [Coughing in distance.]
[Sighs.]
Whoever invented candle-making did not have kids.
- [Coughs.]
- Under control, Peg.
- Just a coin from the cake.
- Dad had me stick a few quarters in.
Quarters? We use dimes and pennies.
Quarters are much too generous.
- Oh, so this is my fault? - [Pat coughing, coin jingles.]
Oh, it's out.
PEGGY: Gosh.
Honestly.
Peg, this isn't working.
I had to bring home Sara Lee and McDonald's tonight.
I don't want these kids to start expecting the finer things.
It's this candle rigmarole.
- I was just saying to Lawrence - That you're gonna give it up? - Because you've really been - Well, actually letting things slide around here.
Look, I know your heart's set on it, but I'm putting my foot down.
You're putting your foot where? As usual, talking to my mom like this just made her do the opposite of what he wanted even though it was the opposite of what she wanted, too.
I'm putting it down, Peg.
This candle nonsense is done.
Over the years, my parents perfected a kind of arguing Candles for sale.
where one of them would lose Nixon fundraising candles.
and the other one would somehow also lose.
I just wanted to say happy birthday, son.
You get that care package Mom sent? Yeah, I wore my crown to breakfast and got quite the ribbing.
You know, you'd think the Catholic Church would have a little bit more acceptance for people in funny hats.
I know your mom will miss seeing you she's soft that way.
Peg, you want to say hey to Lawrence? I'm good.
They're $4 apiece.
Thank you.
[Laughs.]
These weirdos aren't buying our candles patriotically.
- They just want to mock our President.
- Who cares? I'm outselling everyone, even the sturdy woman who makes pottery.
Oh, your wax effigies are lovely, dear.
Oh.
They're really excellent, aren't they? I do watercolor portraiture myself.
Would you be interested in an artist's trade? Careful, that could be beatnik code for a drug deal.
Shh, artists are talking.
I could paint a portrait of you in exchange for one of your pieces.
Oh, I would never want a picture of myself.
- I'm not that crazy.
- Oh.
[Chuckles.]
What I'd really love is a painting - of my unborn daughter Lynn.
- Oh.
All right, Peg, you about done here? Not even close, these things are selling like hot-pants.
Well, I got to go.
I've got family responsibilities child supervision, lawn maintenance the kind of things I put before any frivolous hobbies.
Got it.
But would you mind taking this empty box we brought the candles in? There you go.
Oh, wait, this one's empty, too.
And this one.
This one, too.
Gosh, guess I sold more of my frivolous hobbies than I realized today.
HELEN: Peggy! Oh, hi, Helen.
- I've been dying to catch up with you.
- Oh.
Steven and I just got back from Acapulco.
- I can see your tan.
- Not all of it! The way the beaches are down there [Hushed.]
I'm the same color all over.
Oh.
You know, you and Mike should go.
Maybe someday when we're older, like you and Steven.
Well, why wait? I mean, you don't have to stay where we stayed.
There's plenty of lower-priced options.
- These are so clever.
- Mm.
You know, when you asked me for the used altar candles, I was really worried that the electric company had finally shut off your lights.
EDDIE: Here's some more Pinocchios, Mom.
They're Nixons now, keep up.
I just saw Lynn's ghost! She followed me here! You saw the girl from the cemetery? - Where? - This way.
There's also a dead bird you can pet for free.
You know, my friend runs the Spencer Gifts at the new Eagle Rock mall.
It's very, very upscale I'm sure you haven't been there.
But I bet that she could sell these.
You think my little doodads are good enough to sell at the mall? Oh, please, you wouldn't believe the tacky junk people waste their money on these days.
Why don't I just take a few to her and see what she thinks.
Oh, Helen, that is so kind of you.
Gosh, I just don't understand why people say such awful things about you.
[Laughs.]
Ernie.
Meet my brother.
[Hushed.]
I-I'd like a false ID, please.
I need to be 10 years old to go to "Boxcar Benji.
" A 10-year-old with a driver's license is gonna look suspicious.
Except in Honduras.
They got kid taxi drivers.
That place is a mess.
I got to get down there before the party's over.
A passport ought to do it.
Fill this out.
Have it back to you in a couple weeks.
- Thanks, Ernie.
- All right.
Hey, you're forgetting something.
She's in there.
I didn't know ghosts went to the bathroom.
- Or girls.
- Boy-oh-boy, I've been trying to find this girl since my birthday, but I didn't even catch her name.
Her name is Lynn and now she's pooping.
Thanks for the help, but when she comes out, play it cool.
Oh, I know how to be with women.
You look beautiful, Lynn.
And that was the day it was finally confirmed that Pat needed Glasses! I got glasses! Here, Frank.
We short-changed you on your birthday, so I got you something, too.
- A glasses repair kit? - Those glasses aren't cheap.
- It won't be long before that kid - They broke.
The gift of responsibility.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
I just got my passport in the mail.
Look at that raised lettering.
For a low-life, Ernie does exemplary work.
But it says I'm from Denmark.
And he gave you a bitchin' name, too.
"Donk Slimhammer.
" The whole point was to make "Timmy Cleary" famous.
I think it's Donk's time to shine.
Timmy Cleary, eh.
Donk Slimhammer, that guy's going places.
PEGGY: I'm here! We can start Pat's birthday now.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, you guys started without me.
Is that Mom? And you gave him his glasses, even though I'm the one who found them on a bus bench.
You sound like my mom.
You're so busy, Peg, I never know when you're gonna show up.
And where's everybody else? Oh Eddie had a thing, Timmy had a thing, Joey didn't have a thing but he had no interest.
Family birthdays are like Mass on the Feast of the Most Holy Blood of Saint Boniface attendance is mandatory.
Except for you.
Okay, you know what, Mike? Don't worry about it.
I'll just do everything I'll do the birthdays and I'll single-handedly get our President re-elected.
But right now I'm gonna go bake Pat an old-fashioned, home-made birthday cake from a box.
- I already have a cake.
- You're getting another one! [Exhales sharply.]
Hey, there's a present for Timmy in the closet there.
- Can I help, Momma? - I don't know, Pat, can you? No.
What the heck is this? You're getting Timmy a picture of Eddie wearing pigtails? It's a look you might consider.
It frames your face nicely.
PEGGY: No.
You grabbed the wrong tube.
That's the Lynn painting I got from that swap meet weirdo.
That doesn't look like Lynn at all.
This is crazy, Mom, you have to stop.
You've hung this Lynn thing over me for way too long, trying to make me feel guilty for something I had nothing to do with.
You were the last one to see her.
I didn't even have eyes yet! It was a long time ago, Mom.
If we can forgive the Germans, we can maybe forgive Eddie.
I haven't forgiven the Germans.
[Inhales sharply.]
You're right.
Who's to say what happened in there? And it's certainly not healthy to brood on things.
- Thank you.
- Next time any of you die, I promise not to dwell.
I guess I won't get it framed and hang it over your bed.
For now.
The real Lynn is prettier anyway.
See? My God! It's her.
[Rotary phone clicks.]
Hello? Directory assistance.
My name is Eddie and I need you to find a number for me.
[Laughs.]
Nice threads.
Is that the latest fashion from Copenhagen? TIMMY: It's gonna be hard slipping away.
Mom seems extra excited about this birthday.
She loves birthdays.
Another chance to take a bow for pushing out eight kids.
Congratulations, you did what a cat can do.
[Groans.]
Hells bells! That hair, Lawrence.
You walk in a room these days, I think it's Jesus come to take me.
Then I realize it's just you and I still have to do tomorrow's laundry.
While you're at it Oh, there's my boy! Or girl.
- [Chuckles.]
- Getting harder to tell these days.
It's just hair, Dad trying something different.
- Everybody wants to be "different.
" - Mm.
You know what would really be different? Just being the same.
"The same" would be different.
Hmm.
You got some sort of point there, Dad.
I'm gonna go wash up for the party.
The party.
Your surprise for Timmy.
- Mm.
- [Chuckles.]
You're full of surprises.
Helen Portollo just dropped off a check.
They paid me for my candles.
Apparently you're selling them in the mall now? The Spencer Gifts in Eagle Rock, and they're going like gang-busters.
They even outsold those teeth that run around on tables.
- [Envelope rustles.]
- At what price, Peg? $3.
99.
10% off if you say Peggy sent you.
I mean what it costs your family.
[Birds chirping in distance.]
It doesn't cost us anything, in fact here's a check with my name on it.
"Mrs.
Michael Cleary.
" And I'm not letting anything slide.
The kids are all fed and clothed.
I know where most of them are, and I'm about to throw Timmy the best party he's ever had.
So what exactly is the problem, Mike? Everybody out to the garage! We're having a party! Why do you look so stupid? It's Danish.
Okay, you wouldn't get it.
I've got five minutes to catch my bus.
What on earth does Mom need to show me in the garage? Maybe they finally rented you that boxing kangaroo you always ask for.
I'm not getting my hopes up again.
Timmy, I know you love that show with the bum.
So I tried to get you tickets but found out you were too old.
So I did the next best thing.
Ta-da! You did all this? Happy birthday, Timmy.
Check your bindles at the door Boogie on down to the dance floor I was trapped, trapped in that way only a loving family can trap you.
I wanted so much to catch my bus and get my moment of TV stardom on the real "Boxcar Benji" show.
Fun! I didn't miss it! Dance with Boxcar Benji to the birthday But my mom.
She wanted so much to give this to me, something hand-crafted from the heart for my birthday.
A can of beans and your two good feet Riding the rails to that hobo beat Seeing the world from a boxcar seat Being a hobo is so darn neat Boxcar Benji I made my choice.
I put family before stardom.
It would not be the last time I made that dumb mistake.
[All cheering.]
- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! [Sighs.]
I stashed a sliver away before those jackals snarfed it all down.
I'm fine, thank you.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Indistinct talking on TV.]
Mmm.
Is that cherry I'm tasting in your frosting? That piece was meant for Pat.
I mixed some cough syrup in to try to tamp him down a notch.
You gave Timmy a heck of a party, Peg.
You're running things around here like you always did and also making money.
I've got no right to complain.
Oh, Mike.
That's so true.
I guess I just like being the one that brings home the bacon around here.
When I saw that check today, it just made me feel like [Inhales deeply.]
what am I here for? Are you kidding? [Clicks tongue.]
I look around at our family and what we've built I realize you're the only person I like in this house.
I feel the same way.
And I-I want to be supportive.
So, just know that I'm happy you're making candles, and I want you to keep doing it.
- I'm gonna quit.
- [Plate clatters.]
What? No, you have a talent.
- I insist you use it.
- [Inhales sharply.]
Are you putting your foot down? I'll be using my foot very judiciously from here on out.
Mike, I never wanted to be a high-powered career woman like Mary Tyler Moore or Betty Crocker.
I'll just go back to being a creative genius around here, like I've always been.
Here, use this to pay the Water and Power, finally replace the asbestos in the attic.
Look, it'd be great to get new asbestos.
But no, this is yours.
- Spend it on something you really - Acapulco.
Acapulco? The one in Mexico? Whichever one that show-off Helen and her stupid bald husband went to.
She had a margarita, big deal.
All right, we'll go to Acapulco.
Oh, you're coming, too? Yeah.
I'm thinking about getting one of those all-over tans.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
I'm definitely doing that whether the beach we're on allows it or not.
A few weeks later when it was Joey's birthday, his wish was that we all go to the beach.
JOEY: Whoo-hoo! My mom and dad were glad to accommodate since they were already headed to the beach.
In Acapulco.
- Whoo! - Whoo! But the rest of us were happy to give Joey his birthday wish, a family beach day.
[Engine starts.]
That he didn't have to go to.
Have fun! Take your time! - Girls - Going up to the spirit in the sky
And you didn't really want it.
Why can't you be taller? What's the point of feeding you if you're not doing anything with it? The nurse at school said I lost an inch.
But one day a year was different our birthdays.
Mom went to town with the arts and crafts.
Her chosen media construction paper, Elmer's Glue, and garbage.
ALL: Happy birthday, dear William Happy birthday to you - TIMMY: Make a wish! - [Camera whirring.]
I wish I could see.
Just paw around till you hit frosting.
Congratulations.
10 is a milestone.
I'm finally off the kids' menu.
At the movies, you're still 9.
I found a dime in my cake.
As a treat, when I mixed the batter, I threw in all the spare change from your father's car ashtray.
There's cake money? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh! Hey! Stop stabbing my cake! - I just want the money! - Hey! Don't run with that knife! You might fall and bend it.
- WILLIAM: Joey! Hey! Stop! - Here's the old candles, Mom.
They're getting pretty stubby.
Well, if you kids sang the song faster, it might stretch for a few more birthdays.
Oh, just toss 'em, Peg.
There's nothing you can do with those.
Two fun facts about my mother she liked a creative challenge and didn't like my father telling her what to do.
Happy birthday to you Andy doesn't get a wish? Oh, he'd just waste it on a rattle or a diaper change.
What do people think of my Pinocchio? Made it out of used birthday candles and real hair I salvaged from the shower drain.
Oh, that's what that weird smell is.
What you're smelling is me being right.
You told me I should throw those candles away.
[Knife clatters.]
- Lawrence! - Hey.
You came down from the seminary.
Boy howdy, look at that hair.
I know, it's getting a little shaggy.
A little? You look like Cousin Itt.
[Laughing.]
Yeah.
[Cartoon music plays.]
You missed cake.
Where were you? TIMMY: Hanging around the "Brady Bunch" house hoping to be discovered.
Was Marcia there? Ah, she's a fox.
I could go for Jan, too.
She's insecure - I can work with that.
- Nobody was there.
They don't even film the show at that house.
Showbiz is all lies.
I can't wait to be a part of it.
Boy, that Casper is one friendly ghost.
We will be seeing more of him later or not! He's a ghost! ADULT TIMMY: "Boxcar Benji" was a local show back in the good ol' days when homelessness was still funny.
BOXCAR BENJI: Let's have all the birthday boys and girls come on out here and strut their stuff.
ADULT TIMMY: That's when it hit me this show could be a way to finally get my adorable mug on television.
Certainly all the big agents watched "Boxcar Benji.
" I was this close to being discovered.
Man, these kids are embarrassing themselves.
- I've got to get on this show.
- Boxcar Benji It's a hot ticket.
I could get you in.
It'll cost you 20 bucks.
And a hug.
You want a hug? Not really, but it's funny to make you do it.
Come on.
Get in here! This Nixon candle is really good.
My Young Republican club could sell these to raise money for the campaign.
That's Pinocchio, not Nixon.
Either way, it's a good notion.
We're setting up a table at the swap meet.
We can donate all the proceeds to the Committee to Re-Elect.
What do I know about politics? You made a spot-on sculpture of Richard Nixon.
I did, didn't I? Well, I'd need more wax.
I suppose I could ask Helen Portollo from the Altar Society to save the old church candles.
Show owes me a favor since I pretend to be her friend.
You won't be sorry, honey.
Some day when you tell folks you were a Nixon supporter, they'll look at you in a certain way.
- Hmm.
- Amen.
ADULT TIMMY: On Eddie's birthday every year, Mom went to twice as much trouble.
- Want any more pancakes? - No thanks, Mom.
It seems Eddie had a twin with him in the womb who disappeared during the first trimester.
Mom had made her mind up that the vanishing twin was a girl.
And Eddie forever carried the stigma of having absorbed his sister "Lynn.
" Sure you don't want any more? Bad things happen when you're hungry.
I'm fine.
Then it's time to go.
PEGGY, EDDIE & PAT: Happy birthday, dear Lynn Happy birthday to you And many more [Clicks tongue.]
[Blows air.]
Lynn's here.
We've stirred her! - Look! - Oh, nonsense.
Lynn's up in Heaven.
And she wouldn't be wearing denim on her birthday.
Maybe she's come for revenge.
This is gonna be distracting.
Please ask that girl to leave the cemetery.
[Sighs.]
EDDIE: It's just one day a year.
It's just one day a year.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
Sorry to bother you, especially if you're grieving.
But could you please mourn someplace else? You're scaring my little brother.
He thinks you're the ghost of my dead twin who I absorbed in the womb.
I get that a lot.
What's with the camera? Is this somebody famous? The original Lassie is buried here somewhere.
He was really a boy, by the way.
This is the grave of Jean Kittering.
The first women doctor in this area.
So, who did women go to before he came along? A woman doctor, not a doctor for women.
So he wouldn't treat women? No, she was a woman.
Oh! And I assumed because Jean was a doctor she couldn't be a woman.
That's a nice reminder that women can do anything.
Except play Lassie who is around here somewhere.
Because it's somebody's birthday! Is it? [TV audience shouts.]
Yeah! - No?! - Here you are.
"Boxcar Benji.
" - Outstanding.
- I thought so.
"All audience members must be 10 years of age or younger.
" Oh, no problem.
My headshot says I can play 8 to 25.
An "ID will be required.
" I'll get you a fake ID, easy.
I-I could even get you a pilot's license.
By the way, if you ever hear, "This is your captain, Warren Ashby," I suggest a hasty disembark.
[Doorbell chimes.]
BOXCAR BENJI: Check your bindles at the door April Portollo? [Laughs.]
Last time I saw you was the fourth grade, we were playing hide and seek.
- Well, then I'd say I won.
- [Laughs.]
My mom asked me to drop these off for your mom.
Yeah, she needs wax for her Nixon project.
I thought Agnew was the one made of wax.
And Nixon was made out of lies and children's tears.
Well, my dad says that in these tough times, we need a strong leader like Nixon.
Hmm.
What do you say? Even Catholics are entitled to think for themselves.
Hmm.
I guess I repeat what my dad says, just in a less frightening tone.
WENDI: How often do you come out here? EDDIE: Just for my birthday.
Which would have been Lynn's birthday, too, if I hadn't hogged all the amniotic fluid.
That's so strange, because I crave amniotic fluid.
[Imitating ghost.]
Oooooooooh.
- I'm kidding.
- [Laughing.]
If I was your sister's ghost, would I ask you to take me out some time? You heard all my weird family stuff - and you still want to go out with me? - [Paper rustles.]
You're cute, plus you know a lot about Lassie.
I do.
For the dangerous stunts, they used a Shetland pony in a collie suit.
- But I'll save the rest for our date.
- [Motor whirring in distance.]
I should go before I change my mind.
Thank you, Lynn! Oh, no.
Oh, no, no! No, no! Aah! No! [Gasping.]
[Panting.]
Oh.
There's Lassie.
Kids, let's go! Birthday time! ADULT TIMMY: My mom got pretty busy making and selling candles for Nixon.
It fell to our dad to take over when it came to our birthdays.
Where's all the decorations? Here.
Turn this into a crown.
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you The song's almost over Happy birthday To you Make a wish.
There aren't any candles.
Just blow on the cake so we can eat it.
I'll help.
I'm definitely not having any now.
Enjoy your spit cake.
Want to go get his present? Or you could go get his present.
I worked a long day, stopped to get dinner and a cake on my way home, so I guess now I'll go to our bedroom and get Frank that present we put a lot of thought into.
[Chuckles.]
I know a lucky boy who's getting a shoe tree.
- Yes! - [Door closes.]
Hey.
Did I miss Frank's birthday? I bought him a shaving kit.
Oh, so thoughtful.
This is from me now.
So you're still in the candle business? I just hope these Nixon people put the money to good use.
Yeah, buy more fear-mongering TV ads.
Yeah, those are very good.
- Vote for Nixon or ka-boom! - Yeah.
It's good to see you doing your own thing, Mom.
You've always been so talented, yeah.
It's time other people saw that.
Ugh, people.
I like making stuff for our family.
But now that I'm part of the Nixon administration, who has the time? Other than the shaving kit, I really dropped the ball on Frank's birthday.
Then stop making candles.
Dad'll understand.
Then Nixon loses, the Reds take over, the whole country's mad at me? No thanks.
- Mom, Pat's choking! - [Coughing in distance.]
[Sighs.]
Whoever invented candle-making did not have kids.
- [Coughs.]
- Under control, Peg.
- Just a coin from the cake.
- Dad had me stick a few quarters in.
Quarters? We use dimes and pennies.
Quarters are much too generous.
- Oh, so this is my fault? - [Pat coughing, coin jingles.]
Oh, it's out.
PEGGY: Gosh.
Honestly.
Peg, this isn't working.
I had to bring home Sara Lee and McDonald's tonight.
I don't want these kids to start expecting the finer things.
It's this candle rigmarole.
- I was just saying to Lawrence - That you're gonna give it up? - Because you've really been - Well, actually letting things slide around here.
Look, I know your heart's set on it, but I'm putting my foot down.
You're putting your foot where? As usual, talking to my mom like this just made her do the opposite of what he wanted even though it was the opposite of what she wanted, too.
I'm putting it down, Peg.
This candle nonsense is done.
Over the years, my parents perfected a kind of arguing Candles for sale.
where one of them would lose Nixon fundraising candles.
and the other one would somehow also lose.
I just wanted to say happy birthday, son.
You get that care package Mom sent? Yeah, I wore my crown to breakfast and got quite the ribbing.
You know, you'd think the Catholic Church would have a little bit more acceptance for people in funny hats.
I know your mom will miss seeing you she's soft that way.
Peg, you want to say hey to Lawrence? I'm good.
They're $4 apiece.
Thank you.
[Laughs.]
These weirdos aren't buying our candles patriotically.
- They just want to mock our President.
- Who cares? I'm outselling everyone, even the sturdy woman who makes pottery.
Oh, your wax effigies are lovely, dear.
Oh.
They're really excellent, aren't they? I do watercolor portraiture myself.
Would you be interested in an artist's trade? Careful, that could be beatnik code for a drug deal.
Shh, artists are talking.
I could paint a portrait of you in exchange for one of your pieces.
Oh, I would never want a picture of myself.
- I'm not that crazy.
- Oh.
[Chuckles.]
What I'd really love is a painting - of my unborn daughter Lynn.
- Oh.
All right, Peg, you about done here? Not even close, these things are selling like hot-pants.
Well, I got to go.
I've got family responsibilities child supervision, lawn maintenance the kind of things I put before any frivolous hobbies.
Got it.
But would you mind taking this empty box we brought the candles in? There you go.
Oh, wait, this one's empty, too.
And this one.
This one, too.
Gosh, guess I sold more of my frivolous hobbies than I realized today.
HELEN: Peggy! Oh, hi, Helen.
- I've been dying to catch up with you.
- Oh.
Steven and I just got back from Acapulco.
- I can see your tan.
- Not all of it! The way the beaches are down there [Hushed.]
I'm the same color all over.
Oh.
You know, you and Mike should go.
Maybe someday when we're older, like you and Steven.
Well, why wait? I mean, you don't have to stay where we stayed.
There's plenty of lower-priced options.
- These are so clever.
- Mm.
You know, when you asked me for the used altar candles, I was really worried that the electric company had finally shut off your lights.
EDDIE: Here's some more Pinocchios, Mom.
They're Nixons now, keep up.
I just saw Lynn's ghost! She followed me here! You saw the girl from the cemetery? - Where? - This way.
There's also a dead bird you can pet for free.
You know, my friend runs the Spencer Gifts at the new Eagle Rock mall.
It's very, very upscale I'm sure you haven't been there.
But I bet that she could sell these.
You think my little doodads are good enough to sell at the mall? Oh, please, you wouldn't believe the tacky junk people waste their money on these days.
Why don't I just take a few to her and see what she thinks.
Oh, Helen, that is so kind of you.
Gosh, I just don't understand why people say such awful things about you.
[Laughs.]
Ernie.
Meet my brother.
[Hushed.]
I-I'd like a false ID, please.
I need to be 10 years old to go to "Boxcar Benji.
" A 10-year-old with a driver's license is gonna look suspicious.
Except in Honduras.
They got kid taxi drivers.
That place is a mess.
I got to get down there before the party's over.
A passport ought to do it.
Fill this out.
Have it back to you in a couple weeks.
- Thanks, Ernie.
- All right.
Hey, you're forgetting something.
She's in there.
I didn't know ghosts went to the bathroom.
- Or girls.
- Boy-oh-boy, I've been trying to find this girl since my birthday, but I didn't even catch her name.
Her name is Lynn and now she's pooping.
Thanks for the help, but when she comes out, play it cool.
Oh, I know how to be with women.
You look beautiful, Lynn.
And that was the day it was finally confirmed that Pat needed Glasses! I got glasses! Here, Frank.
We short-changed you on your birthday, so I got you something, too.
- A glasses repair kit? - Those glasses aren't cheap.
- It won't be long before that kid - They broke.
The gift of responsibility.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
I just got my passport in the mail.
Look at that raised lettering.
For a low-life, Ernie does exemplary work.
But it says I'm from Denmark.
And he gave you a bitchin' name, too.
"Donk Slimhammer.
" The whole point was to make "Timmy Cleary" famous.
I think it's Donk's time to shine.
Timmy Cleary, eh.
Donk Slimhammer, that guy's going places.
PEGGY: I'm here! We can start Pat's birthday now.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, you guys started without me.
Is that Mom? And you gave him his glasses, even though I'm the one who found them on a bus bench.
You sound like my mom.
You're so busy, Peg, I never know when you're gonna show up.
And where's everybody else? Oh Eddie had a thing, Timmy had a thing, Joey didn't have a thing but he had no interest.
Family birthdays are like Mass on the Feast of the Most Holy Blood of Saint Boniface attendance is mandatory.
Except for you.
Okay, you know what, Mike? Don't worry about it.
I'll just do everything I'll do the birthdays and I'll single-handedly get our President re-elected.
But right now I'm gonna go bake Pat an old-fashioned, home-made birthday cake from a box.
- I already have a cake.
- You're getting another one! [Exhales sharply.]
Hey, there's a present for Timmy in the closet there.
- Can I help, Momma? - I don't know, Pat, can you? No.
What the heck is this? You're getting Timmy a picture of Eddie wearing pigtails? It's a look you might consider.
It frames your face nicely.
PEGGY: No.
You grabbed the wrong tube.
That's the Lynn painting I got from that swap meet weirdo.
That doesn't look like Lynn at all.
This is crazy, Mom, you have to stop.
You've hung this Lynn thing over me for way too long, trying to make me feel guilty for something I had nothing to do with.
You were the last one to see her.
I didn't even have eyes yet! It was a long time ago, Mom.
If we can forgive the Germans, we can maybe forgive Eddie.
I haven't forgiven the Germans.
[Inhales sharply.]
You're right.
Who's to say what happened in there? And it's certainly not healthy to brood on things.
- Thank you.
- Next time any of you die, I promise not to dwell.
I guess I won't get it framed and hang it over your bed.
For now.
The real Lynn is prettier anyway.
See? My God! It's her.
[Rotary phone clicks.]
Hello? Directory assistance.
My name is Eddie and I need you to find a number for me.
[Laughs.]
Nice threads.
Is that the latest fashion from Copenhagen? TIMMY: It's gonna be hard slipping away.
Mom seems extra excited about this birthday.
She loves birthdays.
Another chance to take a bow for pushing out eight kids.
Congratulations, you did what a cat can do.
[Groans.]
Hells bells! That hair, Lawrence.
You walk in a room these days, I think it's Jesus come to take me.
Then I realize it's just you and I still have to do tomorrow's laundry.
While you're at it Oh, there's my boy! Or girl.
- [Chuckles.]
- Getting harder to tell these days.
It's just hair, Dad trying something different.
- Everybody wants to be "different.
" - Mm.
You know what would really be different? Just being the same.
"The same" would be different.
Hmm.
You got some sort of point there, Dad.
I'm gonna go wash up for the party.
The party.
Your surprise for Timmy.
- Mm.
- [Chuckles.]
You're full of surprises.
Helen Portollo just dropped off a check.
They paid me for my candles.
Apparently you're selling them in the mall now? The Spencer Gifts in Eagle Rock, and they're going like gang-busters.
They even outsold those teeth that run around on tables.
- [Envelope rustles.]
- At what price, Peg? $3.
99.
10% off if you say Peggy sent you.
I mean what it costs your family.
[Birds chirping in distance.]
It doesn't cost us anything, in fact here's a check with my name on it.
"Mrs.
Michael Cleary.
" And I'm not letting anything slide.
The kids are all fed and clothed.
I know where most of them are, and I'm about to throw Timmy the best party he's ever had.
So what exactly is the problem, Mike? Everybody out to the garage! We're having a party! Why do you look so stupid? It's Danish.
Okay, you wouldn't get it.
I've got five minutes to catch my bus.
What on earth does Mom need to show me in the garage? Maybe they finally rented you that boxing kangaroo you always ask for.
I'm not getting my hopes up again.
Timmy, I know you love that show with the bum.
So I tried to get you tickets but found out you were too old.
So I did the next best thing.
Ta-da! You did all this? Happy birthday, Timmy.
Check your bindles at the door Boogie on down to the dance floor I was trapped, trapped in that way only a loving family can trap you.
I wanted so much to catch my bus and get my moment of TV stardom on the real "Boxcar Benji" show.
Fun! I didn't miss it! Dance with Boxcar Benji to the birthday But my mom.
She wanted so much to give this to me, something hand-crafted from the heart for my birthday.
A can of beans and your two good feet Riding the rails to that hobo beat Seeing the world from a boxcar seat Being a hobo is so darn neat Boxcar Benji I made my choice.
I put family before stardom.
It would not be the last time I made that dumb mistake.
[All cheering.]
- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! [Sighs.]
I stashed a sliver away before those jackals snarfed it all down.
I'm fine, thank you.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Indistinct talking on TV.]
Mmm.
Is that cherry I'm tasting in your frosting? That piece was meant for Pat.
I mixed some cough syrup in to try to tamp him down a notch.
You gave Timmy a heck of a party, Peg.
You're running things around here like you always did and also making money.
I've got no right to complain.
Oh, Mike.
That's so true.
I guess I just like being the one that brings home the bacon around here.
When I saw that check today, it just made me feel like [Inhales deeply.]
what am I here for? Are you kidding? [Clicks tongue.]
I look around at our family and what we've built I realize you're the only person I like in this house.
I feel the same way.
And I-I want to be supportive.
So, just know that I'm happy you're making candles, and I want you to keep doing it.
- I'm gonna quit.
- [Plate clatters.]
What? No, you have a talent.
- I insist you use it.
- [Inhales sharply.]
Are you putting your foot down? I'll be using my foot very judiciously from here on out.
Mike, I never wanted to be a high-powered career woman like Mary Tyler Moore or Betty Crocker.
I'll just go back to being a creative genius around here, like I've always been.
Here, use this to pay the Water and Power, finally replace the asbestos in the attic.
Look, it'd be great to get new asbestos.
But no, this is yours.
- Spend it on something you really - Acapulco.
Acapulco? The one in Mexico? Whichever one that show-off Helen and her stupid bald husband went to.
She had a margarita, big deal.
All right, we'll go to Acapulco.
Oh, you're coming, too? Yeah.
I'm thinking about getting one of those all-over tans.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
I'm definitely doing that whether the beach we're on allows it or not.
A few weeks later when it was Joey's birthday, his wish was that we all go to the beach.
JOEY: Whoo-hoo! My mom and dad were glad to accommodate since they were already headed to the beach.
In Acapulco.
- Whoo! - Whoo! But the rest of us were happy to give Joey his birthday wish, a family beach day.
[Engine starts.]
That he didn't have to go to.
Have fun! Take your time! - Girls - Going up to the spirit in the sky