The Looney Tunes Show s01e15 Episode Script
Bugs & Daffy Get a Job
[Loud snoring.]
[Snoring continues.]
[Beeps.]
[Snoring.]
[Door open.]
[Snoring.]
[Door open.]
- Hey, wake up.
[Snores.]
- Come on.
You're snoring.
Wake up.
[Snores.]
- Daffy, wake up! [Slaps.]
[Snores.]
- All right, fine.
[Snoring continues.]
[Sighs.]
- Do you need to sigh so loudly? I'm trying to sleep! [Snores.]
[Birds chirping.]
Season1 Episode 15 "Bugs & Daffy Get a Job" [Chewing.]
August 30, 2011 on Cartoon Network - You look terrible.
You should get more sleep.
[Chews.]
- More sleep? I can't get any sleep because of your snoring.
- What? I've tried everything breathing strips, mouth guards, eye patches, jock straps, self tanner, canker sore cream, and I still snore.
- Really? Canker sore cream didn't work.
- What's the big deal? I snore.
You brush your teeth.
We all have our little quirks.
- Daffy, you gotta see someone about your snoring.
It's a problem.
- Not a problem for me.
I sleep great.
and I know just how to fix it Permanently.
- How is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building gonna fix my snoring? - Oh, right, snoring.
[Dings.]
- What's this doctor's name again? - Dr.
Weisberg.
- Weisberg What is that, Irish? - [Scoffs.]
Hey, that's Porky's office, Murphy and associates.
- Murphy What is that, Jewish? [Paper tears.]
[Paper tears.]
- What are you doing? - Recipes.
- You don't cook.
- Well, I don't have the time.
- But "7-Minute Meals", it's perfect for busy moms like me.
- Ohh-kay.
I'm gonna go visit Porky.
- Fine, more salmon balls for me.
This is taking forever.
Where's the bathroom? - Right down the hall.
Oh, you need a key.
- A key? To go to the bathroom? What? You don't trust me? You think I'm gonna steal your toilet? Hmph.
What happened to this country? - Porky, can I see you in my office? - [Stammering.]
Wh-what'd I do? [Laughing.]
- B-Bugs? What are you doing here? - I was gonna push Daffy off the roof.
Wow, look at you.
You got your own cubicle! A computer [Typing.]
- Uh, p-please don't.
- A phone [Imitating Porky's stammer.]
Th-this is Porky Pig.
[Gasps.]
- Pencil sharpener [Gasps.]
- Tape dispenser [Stammers.]
- What a fun job.
You must love working here.
- If b-by love, you mean hate sitting in this soul-sucking cave, counting every minute until the w-weekend, and then dreading every minute until m-Monday, then yes, I l-love working here.
- Spittin' image.
Oh, uh.
Who works there? - No one.
It's empty.
- Mm-hmm.
- My point is if someone wants to steal a toilet, they're gonna steal a toilet.
- Let's just agree to disagree, OK? - I don't agree to that.
- All right.
Looks like you've got a deviated septum.
[Slap.]
- There is nothing wrong with my septum! What's a septum? - It's what separates the right and the left side of the nose.
Yours is too far to the right, which is causing your snoring.
- Can you fix it? - Easily.
It's a piece of cake.
A very simple procedure.
And, if you'd like, while I'm at it, I could smooth out that bump in your beak.
- I don't have a bump in my beak.
[Gasping.]
I'm hideous.
- Where'd you get that? - Why didn't you tell me I have a bump on my beak?! - I never noticed a bump.
- Do not patronize me! If there is something wrong with me that I don't know about, then you owe it to me as my best friend to tell me! - All right.
You're a narcissist.
You're a sociopath.
You're probably a psychopath.
You're a [Ding.]
You're paranoid, sexist, and you make fun of the elderly.
- Those are just quirks! Endearing quirks! I'm talking about something important, my appearance.
And if you won't be honest with me, then I'll find someone who will.
Here, take this home for me.
It's a really good toilet.
- Did you want these in color or black and white? - Aah! - Do I have a bump on my beak? - Oh, yeah, it's huge.
First thing I ever noticed about you.
- [Gasps.]
I can't have a bump on my beak! I can't have an imperfection! I allow no imperfections! - What are you talking about? You're nothing but imperfections.
Name a perfection.
- What are you looking at? [Gasps.]
It's my bump, isn't it? Don't look at me.
I'm a monster! [Screaming.]
- Oops, sorry.
Didn't mean to bump into you.
- Oh! Aah! - It's OK.
It's just a bump in the road.
- Oh! Aah! [Screaming.]
- Careful, that sidewalk's pretty bumpy.
- Oh! - Bump, bump, bump, bump - [Screaming.]
- Bump, bump, bump - Bump.
- Bump.
- Bump.
- Bump.
- [Screaming.]
No! No! Doh! - Hey, man, you got a big bump on your beak.
[Screaming.]
[Horn honks, tires squeal.]
- Murphy and associates.
Please hold.
Thank you for your holding [Computer beeps.]
[Sighs.]
- What's up Doc? - B-Bugs? Why are you here? - I don't know.
Maybe because I work here.
- B-but you're not an accountant.
- Nope, but evidently I have great people skills.
So what are you working on? - The Papadopoulos returns.
It's the most c-complex tedious tax return, and I get stuck with it every year.
- Well, what are you waiting for? Those taxes aren't gonna return themselves.
[Upbeat music playing.]
- Return those taxes, return those taxes Return 'em, return 'em Return those taxes, report that income Find those deductions, itemize those expenses - I want to look like this.
- This is a recipe for salmon balls.
- Gimme that.
I haven't had time to make those.
They're out of their minds.
I want to look like this.
- First of all, that's a woman.
Second of all, that's a nose.
You have a beak.
- You know, your bedside manner could use some work.
Smaller.
Smaller.
Smaller.
- Anything smaller would be too drastic a change.
- The drasticer, the better.
Heh heh heh heh.
- Hmm.
When do you want to have it turn? - Now! [Slaps.]
Sorry, you have a very slappable face.
- Porky's gonna love these.
Hey, I didn't hear you snore last night.
I guess the procedure was a success.
- It'll be a success when these bandages come off and I show the world the new me.
Soon I will be on the outside what I've always been on the inside perfect, like a diamond, or a pearl, or a pearl with a diamond inside.
And now the pearl outside is being replaced by diamond so that there is diamond on the inside and now finally a matching diamond on the outside.
- Well, all I care about is the not snoring.
I'm off to work! - Work? I don't remember Bugs having a job.
Has he always had a job? I wonder what he does.
I bet he's a dentist.
[Laughing.]
Lame! - Got any rubber bands? Thanks.
Scissors? Thanks.
Tape? Thanks.
Pencils? Thanks.
I only needed the erasers.
Hey, Pork, you got a second? - B-Bugs, I'm trying to work.
- [High-pitched voice.]
Ha ha! Hi, my name's Diane.
I'm Mr.
Bunny's new secretary.
Oh, can I get you a cup of coffee? Stop it! You're hurting me.
Aah! - Bugs, quit it.
- What? I'm just having fun.
- Y-you're not supposed to be having fun.
You're supposed to be working.
- Why can't I do both? - Huh? - Porky, the average person spends a third of their life at work.
Why would you want to waste a third of your life being miserable? - Are you saying I should q-quit? - No! I'm saying that you need to make work fun.
- I don't know, Bugs.
- [High-pitched voice.]
Well, I think it's a great idea.
[Both laughing.]
- Are you ready to see the new you? - My middle name is ready.
Actually it's Shelton.
I tried going with Armando for a while, but it never caught on, probably because your middle name doesn't come up in conversation very much.
I tried working it in, but - [Gasps.]
- Holy - What is it? How do I look? [Gasping.]
[Sobbing.]
I'm gorgeous! - G-got any paper clips? I used all mine.
Thanks.
- Is that a chandelier made of paper clips? - You were right, Bugs.
Work can be fun.
[Male voices vocalizing.]
[Laughing.]
[Whistling.]
[Gasps.]
- Hello, world.
I'm about to make you a whole lot prettier.
[Whistling.]
[Baby cooing.]
- Hello, little baby.
[Crying.]
- Oh! [Cell phone beeping.]
- Tina, it's Daffy.
Meet me at the sunset room in an hour.
And look good.
I do.
[Whistling.]
- I'm looking for my boyfriend.
He's a little black duck.
- A duck? [Chuckles.]
Well, I wasn't sure what that was.
We put him in the way back.
- Kinda fancy for lunch.
What's the occasion? - I'm the occasion.
[Spits.]
- What happened to you?! - I got a beak job.
Look, no bump.
- You messed up your whole face just to get rid of a stupid bump? You look crazy! - If I look so crazy, how come everyone's staring at me? Because you look crazy.
Daffy, I liked your old beak.
- But my old beak had an imperfection.
And when it comes to my appearance, there can be no imperfections.
- Well, it looks like a dog ate your face.
I liked your bump.
I like all your imperfections.
Well, not all of them.
Your imperfections are what make you you, and I like you.
- Oh, I get it.
You're jealous because I have this perfect little beak and you have that giant nightmare.
[Punch.]
[Thud.]
[Groans.]
Call Dr.
Weisberg! - C-come to the conference room And bring the paper airplane.
I give you m-Murphy and Associates International P-paper Airport! And you are cleared for landing.
- Porky, how long did this take you? Heh heh! Hours.
It's all I've been doing since lunch.
Pretty fun.
Ha! - I know I said to make work fun, but you still gotta do your work.
What about The Papadopoulos Returns? - T-the Papadopoulos Returns! - Wow, paper baggage handlers.
Mr.
Murphy.
- What is this? - It's a paper airport.
- Have you seen Porky? I need The Papadopoulos Returns.
- [Stammering.]
This just in.
All flights have been grounded Due to snow! Yippee! Ha ha! [Crazied laughter.]
Ho ho! Jingle bells! Ha ha! - You're fired.
- [High-pitched voice.]
Oh! Am I fired, too? - Lucky for you, I saved your old beak.
- Lucky?! It still has the bump! And is it a little crooked? [Slaps.]
- Eh, good enough.
- Sorry about that, Porky.
- Don't be sorry.
You've shown me that life's too short to have a j-job I don't enjoy.
- Huh.
That's great.
- You've shown me that I can do anything.
I can get any job I w-want.
- Well, I didn't say that.
- You've shown me that as long as I'm having fun, I can be anything I want to be.
I can be P-president of The United States.
- Porky.
- Porky Pig is going to be President of The U-United States.
- That's nice.
- What are you guys doing here? - We used to work here.
- You're a dentist, too? [Laughs.]
Lame! [Ding.]
[Screaming.]
- W-what? All I said was I never noticed the bump on his b-beak before.
[Whoosh.]
[Kaboom.]
[Slurps.]
Meep meep! [Whoosh.]
- I'm j-just so excited about this new chapter in my life.
Work should be fun.
Life should be fun.
M-more tea, Diane? Do you take cream or sugar? Diane? D-do you take cream or sugar? D-Diane? Diane? Cream or sugar? Diane? Diane? [WB shield open.]
- On the final notes.
Kids don't forget to eat your broccoli.
It good for you
[Snoring continues.]
[Beeps.]
[Snoring.]
[Door open.]
[Snoring.]
[Door open.]
- Hey, wake up.
[Snores.]
- Come on.
You're snoring.
Wake up.
[Snores.]
- Daffy, wake up! [Slaps.]
[Snores.]
- All right, fine.
[Snoring continues.]
[Sighs.]
- Do you need to sigh so loudly? I'm trying to sleep! [Snores.]
[Birds chirping.]
Season1 Episode 15 "Bugs & Daffy Get a Job" [Chewing.]
August 30, 2011 on Cartoon Network - You look terrible.
You should get more sleep.
[Chews.]
- More sleep? I can't get any sleep because of your snoring.
- What? I've tried everything breathing strips, mouth guards, eye patches, jock straps, self tanner, canker sore cream, and I still snore.
- Really? Canker sore cream didn't work.
- What's the big deal? I snore.
You brush your teeth.
We all have our little quirks.
- Daffy, you gotta see someone about your snoring.
It's a problem.
- Not a problem for me.
I sleep great.
and I know just how to fix it Permanently.
- How is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building gonna fix my snoring? - Oh, right, snoring.
[Dings.]
- What's this doctor's name again? - Dr.
Weisberg.
- Weisberg What is that, Irish? - [Scoffs.]
Hey, that's Porky's office, Murphy and associates.
- Murphy What is that, Jewish? [Paper tears.]
[Paper tears.]
- What are you doing? - Recipes.
- You don't cook.
- Well, I don't have the time.
- But "7-Minute Meals", it's perfect for busy moms like me.
- Ohh-kay.
I'm gonna go visit Porky.
- Fine, more salmon balls for me.
This is taking forever.
Where's the bathroom? - Right down the hall.
Oh, you need a key.
- A key? To go to the bathroom? What? You don't trust me? You think I'm gonna steal your toilet? Hmph.
What happened to this country? - Porky, can I see you in my office? - [Stammering.]
Wh-what'd I do? [Laughing.]
- B-Bugs? What are you doing here? - I was gonna push Daffy off the roof.
Wow, look at you.
You got your own cubicle! A computer [Typing.]
- Uh, p-please don't.
- A phone [Imitating Porky's stammer.]
Th-this is Porky Pig.
[Gasps.]
- Pencil sharpener [Gasps.]
- Tape dispenser [Stammers.]
- What a fun job.
You must love working here.
- If b-by love, you mean hate sitting in this soul-sucking cave, counting every minute until the w-weekend, and then dreading every minute until m-Monday, then yes, I l-love working here.
- Spittin' image.
Oh, uh.
Who works there? - No one.
It's empty.
- Mm-hmm.
- My point is if someone wants to steal a toilet, they're gonna steal a toilet.
- Let's just agree to disagree, OK? - I don't agree to that.
- All right.
Looks like you've got a deviated septum.
[Slap.]
- There is nothing wrong with my septum! What's a septum? - It's what separates the right and the left side of the nose.
Yours is too far to the right, which is causing your snoring.
- Can you fix it? - Easily.
It's a piece of cake.
A very simple procedure.
And, if you'd like, while I'm at it, I could smooth out that bump in your beak.
- I don't have a bump in my beak.
[Gasping.]
I'm hideous.
- Where'd you get that? - Why didn't you tell me I have a bump on my beak?! - I never noticed a bump.
- Do not patronize me! If there is something wrong with me that I don't know about, then you owe it to me as my best friend to tell me! - All right.
You're a narcissist.
You're a sociopath.
You're probably a psychopath.
You're a [Ding.]
You're paranoid, sexist, and you make fun of the elderly.
- Those are just quirks! Endearing quirks! I'm talking about something important, my appearance.
And if you won't be honest with me, then I'll find someone who will.
Here, take this home for me.
It's a really good toilet.
- Did you want these in color or black and white? - Aah! - Do I have a bump on my beak? - Oh, yeah, it's huge.
First thing I ever noticed about you.
- [Gasps.]
I can't have a bump on my beak! I can't have an imperfection! I allow no imperfections! - What are you talking about? You're nothing but imperfections.
Name a perfection.
- What are you looking at? [Gasps.]
It's my bump, isn't it? Don't look at me.
I'm a monster! [Screaming.]
- Oops, sorry.
Didn't mean to bump into you.
- Oh! Aah! - It's OK.
It's just a bump in the road.
- Oh! Aah! [Screaming.]
- Careful, that sidewalk's pretty bumpy.
- Oh! - Bump, bump, bump, bump - [Screaming.]
- Bump, bump, bump - Bump.
- Bump.
- Bump.
- Bump.
- [Screaming.]
No! No! Doh! - Hey, man, you got a big bump on your beak.
[Screaming.]
[Horn honks, tires squeal.]
- Murphy and associates.
Please hold.
Thank you for your holding [Computer beeps.]
[Sighs.]
- What's up Doc? - B-Bugs? Why are you here? - I don't know.
Maybe because I work here.
- B-but you're not an accountant.
- Nope, but evidently I have great people skills.
So what are you working on? - The Papadopoulos returns.
It's the most c-complex tedious tax return, and I get stuck with it every year.
- Well, what are you waiting for? Those taxes aren't gonna return themselves.
[Upbeat music playing.]
- Return those taxes, return those taxes Return 'em, return 'em Return those taxes, report that income Find those deductions, itemize those expenses - I want to look like this.
- This is a recipe for salmon balls.
- Gimme that.
I haven't had time to make those.
They're out of their minds.
I want to look like this.
- First of all, that's a woman.
Second of all, that's a nose.
You have a beak.
- You know, your bedside manner could use some work.
Smaller.
Smaller.
Smaller.
- Anything smaller would be too drastic a change.
- The drasticer, the better.
Heh heh heh heh.
- Hmm.
When do you want to have it turn? - Now! [Slaps.]
Sorry, you have a very slappable face.
- Porky's gonna love these.
Hey, I didn't hear you snore last night.
I guess the procedure was a success.
- It'll be a success when these bandages come off and I show the world the new me.
Soon I will be on the outside what I've always been on the inside perfect, like a diamond, or a pearl, or a pearl with a diamond inside.
And now the pearl outside is being replaced by diamond so that there is diamond on the inside and now finally a matching diamond on the outside.
- Well, all I care about is the not snoring.
I'm off to work! - Work? I don't remember Bugs having a job.
Has he always had a job? I wonder what he does.
I bet he's a dentist.
[Laughing.]
Lame! - Got any rubber bands? Thanks.
Scissors? Thanks.
Tape? Thanks.
Pencils? Thanks.
I only needed the erasers.
Hey, Pork, you got a second? - B-Bugs, I'm trying to work.
- [High-pitched voice.]
Ha ha! Hi, my name's Diane.
I'm Mr.
Bunny's new secretary.
Oh, can I get you a cup of coffee? Stop it! You're hurting me.
Aah! - Bugs, quit it.
- What? I'm just having fun.
- Y-you're not supposed to be having fun.
You're supposed to be working.
- Why can't I do both? - Huh? - Porky, the average person spends a third of their life at work.
Why would you want to waste a third of your life being miserable? - Are you saying I should q-quit? - No! I'm saying that you need to make work fun.
- I don't know, Bugs.
- [High-pitched voice.]
Well, I think it's a great idea.
[Both laughing.]
- Are you ready to see the new you? - My middle name is ready.
Actually it's Shelton.
I tried going with Armando for a while, but it never caught on, probably because your middle name doesn't come up in conversation very much.
I tried working it in, but - [Gasps.]
- Holy - What is it? How do I look? [Gasping.]
[Sobbing.]
I'm gorgeous! - G-got any paper clips? I used all mine.
Thanks.
- Is that a chandelier made of paper clips? - You were right, Bugs.
Work can be fun.
[Male voices vocalizing.]
[Laughing.]
[Whistling.]
[Gasps.]
- Hello, world.
I'm about to make you a whole lot prettier.
[Whistling.]
[Baby cooing.]
- Hello, little baby.
[Crying.]
- Oh! [Cell phone beeping.]
- Tina, it's Daffy.
Meet me at the sunset room in an hour.
And look good.
I do.
[Whistling.]
- I'm looking for my boyfriend.
He's a little black duck.
- A duck? [Chuckles.]
Well, I wasn't sure what that was.
We put him in the way back.
- Kinda fancy for lunch.
What's the occasion? - I'm the occasion.
[Spits.]
- What happened to you?! - I got a beak job.
Look, no bump.
- You messed up your whole face just to get rid of a stupid bump? You look crazy! - If I look so crazy, how come everyone's staring at me? Because you look crazy.
Daffy, I liked your old beak.
- But my old beak had an imperfection.
And when it comes to my appearance, there can be no imperfections.
- Well, it looks like a dog ate your face.
I liked your bump.
I like all your imperfections.
Well, not all of them.
Your imperfections are what make you you, and I like you.
- Oh, I get it.
You're jealous because I have this perfect little beak and you have that giant nightmare.
[Punch.]
[Thud.]
[Groans.]
Call Dr.
Weisberg! - C-come to the conference room And bring the paper airplane.
I give you m-Murphy and Associates International P-paper Airport! And you are cleared for landing.
- Porky, how long did this take you? Heh heh! Hours.
It's all I've been doing since lunch.
Pretty fun.
Ha! - I know I said to make work fun, but you still gotta do your work.
What about The Papadopoulos Returns? - T-the Papadopoulos Returns! - Wow, paper baggage handlers.
Mr.
Murphy.
- What is this? - It's a paper airport.
- Have you seen Porky? I need The Papadopoulos Returns.
- [Stammering.]
This just in.
All flights have been grounded Due to snow! Yippee! Ha ha! [Crazied laughter.]
Ho ho! Jingle bells! Ha ha! - You're fired.
- [High-pitched voice.]
Oh! Am I fired, too? - Lucky for you, I saved your old beak.
- Lucky?! It still has the bump! And is it a little crooked? [Slaps.]
- Eh, good enough.
- Sorry about that, Porky.
- Don't be sorry.
You've shown me that life's too short to have a j-job I don't enjoy.
- Huh.
That's great.
- You've shown me that I can do anything.
I can get any job I w-want.
- Well, I didn't say that.
- You've shown me that as long as I'm having fun, I can be anything I want to be.
I can be P-president of The United States.
- Porky.
- Porky Pig is going to be President of The U-United States.
- That's nice.
- What are you guys doing here? - We used to work here.
- You're a dentist, too? [Laughs.]
Lame! [Ding.]
[Screaming.]
- W-what? All I said was I never noticed the bump on his b-beak before.
[Whoosh.]
[Kaboom.]
[Slurps.]
Meep meep! [Whoosh.]
- I'm j-just so excited about this new chapter in my life.
Work should be fun.
Life should be fun.
M-more tea, Diane? Do you take cream or sugar? Diane? D-do you take cream or sugar? D-Diane? Diane? Cream or sugar? Diane? Diane? [WB shield open.]
- On the final notes.
Kids don't forget to eat your broccoli.
It good for you