The Millers (2013) s01e15 Episode Script

Human greatness.
How many people can truly say that they're best at anything? Michael Jordan maybe the best ever played basketball.
Steve Jobbs prehaps our greatest inovator.
But Leesburg is home true man whoose plays Barry Jorgensen is about to break his own record with his 60th tattoo of actress Jennifer Garner.
Barry you're telling me that 59 tattoos of Ben Affleck's wife just wasn't enough, huh? Well, you know, half of these actually used to be Hilary Swank, but she fell off real hard after her second Oscar.
So I had them plump up the lips, shave down the chin, then bam, J.
Garn.
That's a cut.
Sorry, I got a little nauseous.
Ooh.
Yeah, what was it, the J.
Garn peeking from under the armpit of the one where his nipple made - it look like she had a lazy eye? - Oh, no I'm a little hungover, man.
My dad came in town.
You know when he comes through here, it's always a whirlwind weekend.
Now, the Whirlwind is a drink we made up.
You have to drink it out of the blender while the blender's still going.
I almost lost my tongue twice.
Three times! You know, I think it's great that you can spend so much time with your dad.
I can't do it.
It's like we've been on an awkward first date for 42 years.
I mean, we we can't even get on the same page whether - to hug or shake hands.
- Mm.
- One time he kissed me on the ear.
- Ooh! You'll figure it out.
All dads and sons have something in common.
Know what I'm talking about, right? I don't know.
My Dad and I are pretty different.
Wouldn't you say, Dad? Yeah, totally.
I'm into Ozzy Osbourne.
Half of these used to be Penny Marshall, but she fell off hard after Laverne & Shirley.
1x15 - You Betcha Well, we're off.
There's the happy travelers.
Excited for your big trip? Oh! Over the moon.
This is the year's biggest conference for vegan small business owners.
Was it hard to find a hotel that could accommodate all ten of you? The only hard part's gonna be leaving our little princess for the first time.
You know, I don't care what the invite says, I still think we should bring her.
We could say that she's still nursing we'd be heroes.
Honey, we can't.
She's already missed two days - of school for the bean festival.
- Ah, Legumapalooza.
That was fun.
I got Tobey Maguire's autograph.
Oh! - Hey.
- Hello! Fret not, I'm here for the weekend to tie your shoelaces, slice up your food so you don't choke, and get you to bed on time.
I'm also here to take care of Mikayla.
I cowrote that in the car on the way over.
Don't worry, Dad, I'm gonna zing Mom in a minute.
Mom, you didn't have to bring groceries.
We have food.
You have nuts and seeds and beans.
That's not dinner, that's the bottom of a hamster cage.
And Mom knows a thing or two about cooking dinner 'cause she does it all the time poorly.
Zing! I rushed it! Damn it! You rushed it and left everyone unsatisfied.
You get that from your dad.
And that's how you zing.
Mm! All right, thanks again, Mom.
It's a comfort knowing there'll be someone here who won't go to the microwave when the doorbell rings.
Tom, you can't drink beer this time of day.
You're not a Kennedy.
Hey, listen, Dad, instead of staying here and watching Mom give all the plants alcohol poisoning, why don't you come stay with me this weekend? No, I'm good.
I'm not a huge fan of indoor plants.
I don't sleep outside.
I don't know why they get to come in here.
Right, but come on.
It'll be fun.
Look, I know that we haven't always enjoyed the same things, but maybe we haven't been looking hard enough.
A little father/son bonding time, huh? I guess that could be fun.
We're cut from the same cloth, for crying out loud.
Yeah, well, I mean, I'm more of a cotton twill, and you're kind of a poly blend, but sure, we're from the same fabric store.
- We're not gonna sew, are we? - No.
Then I'm in.
We'll find something in common.
Of course we will! Come on! Let's do this! - Oh, sorry.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh, right.
Come Monday, we'll have this nailed, huh? Oh.
Mm, I'm picking up on something.
Sounds like a coin.
Oh, damn it, it's just my shoes again.
Next time, remind me not to wear penny loafers.
"Next time," that's cute.
You know, we just haven't gotten to the fun part yet, opening our treasure.
Ah Matchbox car, half a doorknob, and a cover to the battery compartment of a metal detector.
Oh.
That's where it went.
I'm never gonna get you excited about this, am I? No, no, no, you know what, Dad? I-I can try harder.
Maybe my mistake was being sober.
Well, we could do your thing go back to the gym.
- I could try to finish that sit-up.
- Really? You'd do that? No, I don't think I could show my face in there again after that fart.
In the steam room.
- It's probably still there.
- Aw I mean, come on, there's gotta be something that we both enjoy.
Ooh, I forgot! My Civil War buttons and bullet collection is soaking in the kitchen.
We can polish 'em up, sort 'em by rank and regiment.
Cool! Just bring a lot of booze back.
Whoo! No time for pleasantries, Nate.
Gotta watch the soccer match.
My damn Wi-Fi been on the fritz ever since I broke up with that chick that works at the Internet.
Hey, Ray.
Nathan, I lost a bullet down your sink.
Be careful not to shoot yourself when you turn on the disposal.
Keep it down, Tom.
I'm having a hard time focusing.
The announcer's speaking in Bantu.
Soccer? How can you watch that? - It's so boring.
- When you got $300 on the game.
If the blue team beats the red team, I'll finally have my Botox money.
Black don't crack, but it sags.
So we're rooting for blue, huh? Wait what do you mean, "we"? I thought you hated sports.
I do, but Ray's way of watching makes more sense to me because there's an actual reason to care which color wins.
You know what? Maybe gambling is something we can do together.
Plus you said that you've been looking for a reason to like blue again.
Yeah, your mother's varicose veins really turned me off of that color.
But I'd be willing to give it a shot.
- But the game already started.
- Ray, what do you say? Come on.
The game's still nothing-nothing.
Can we each have a third of your bet? Like, a hundred bucks each on the blue team.
I don't know, man.
Might be bad luck to split a bet.
- Goaaal! - No, damn it! Come on, Mawata Gana.
You're killing me, man! You're freaking killing me! Kick the damn ball! Kick the damn ball! Yeah, let's go ahead and split this bet up.
This is yummy! Of course it's yummy, 'cause Grandma made it.
Something's off.
Oh, no.
No, no, no! Stop eating.
Stop eating.
You're eating the one with the meat.
And you don't eat meat.
Spit it out, spit it out.
You've got mine and I've got yours.
Oh, no.
What was it? Rabbit? Cat?! - No, it was just beef, honey.
- I ate a horse? No, it's cow.
The school system is failing you - as much as your parents.
- What's gonna happen to me?! Nothing.
It was my fault, but it was an honest mistake.
And no one needs to know about it, especially your parents.
Okay.
I feel weird.
That's just your body converting the protein into energy.
Goal! Goal! Okay, okay, it's 4-4.
We gotta have a shootout.
Miss it, miss it, miss it! - Oh! - Okay, we're still alive.
We gotta make this one.
Have to.
Our fate is in your hands, Niameabutu Neskabara Lop-Lop.
Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it! get it! Goal! Hey, why didn't you guys say it with me? They didn't score, Dad.
We lost.
Has to go in the net every time? Aw, man.
That's it.
From now on, I'm only betting on stuff I know about: football and spelling bees.
Quick tip: Always bet on a Indian kid.
Hey, look, it's s a bummer, but it was an exciting game, huh? Fun way to spend a couple of hours, right, Dad? Dad? We just lost $200 for nothing.
How could I be so stupid? Let me pay for it.
I'll skip two haircuts this month.
I'm not letting my son pay my debts.
Come on.
It was worth that much just to have such a fun time with you.
It shouldn't cost $200 to have fun with somebody unless there's a pretty woman involved.
Or two ugly ones.
Come on, Dad.
We were cheering, we chest bumped.
We never chest bump.
And now I know why.
You jammed all my pens into my boob.
It's like I have seven blue nipples right now.
Dad, the only reason that I bet was so that we could have something in common.
- We do now: debt.
- Please, let me pay your share.
No, in fact, I have to pay your share now.
- No.
Why? - Yeah.
Because you said that you never would have bet if it wasn't for me.
Damn you, Niameabutu Neskabara Lop-Lop.
Here you go, Ray.
You're lucky I just went to the ATM and my fat fingers hit too many zeroes.
Good-bye, 200 items off the dollar menu.
Double burger, gone! Senior coffee, gone! Apple turnover that burns the roof of your mouth, gone! Vanilla milkshake that soothes the roof of your mouth, gone! Admit it your dad eats a lot of junk food.
Believe me, you don't want to be with him in a steam room.
Honey - Morning, Grandma! - Morning, sweetie.
Do you want to talk about what happened last night? Did something happen last night? I don't remember anything.
You don't remember diving face-first into a plate of meat lasagna? Hmm.
Were my arms out like this? Because if they were, that means I was sleepwalking.
I see.
Okay.
So what do you want to do today? Go to the park? The movies? Sweetheart, are you sure you don't want to talk about what happened last night? Oh, sweetie, don't cry.
- You're not in trouble.
- No, it's not that.
It's just meat tastes so good! Yeah, that's why it's so popular.
How am I gonna tell my parents I'm a meat-eater? Well, sweetie just tell 'em.
Now that you're eating meat, even if they get upset, you can probably just overpower them.
- Out the way, Tom! - I'm looking for change.
Well, I can't see the dog show.
And I bet 100 bucks on a dog that looks like a mop.
Oh, shoot, I think I might've just bet on a mop! It's wrapped in tinfoil.
Don't ask.
Hey, Dad.
Check it out.
I got us two tickets to the big Civil War memorabilia show in DC today.
They're gonna open up a can of potted meat that's been sealed since 1860.
I can't go.
Not until I earn back the $200 I lost.
Oh, and, uh, say hi to the John Wilkes Booth impersonator for me.
Don't shake his hand, though.
He's a nose-picker.
Aw, crap.
Dad and I are missing out on a great afternoon 'cause he's still obsessed with the stupid money he lost.
You're lucky you didn't go halfsies on this dog with me.
Oh, I see the stick now.
I bet on a damn mop! Hey.
What are you doing here? Oh, there were certain things I needed that Debbie didn't have in her fridge.
Mikayla's expanding her culinary horizons.
Oh, wow, meatballs.
It's like cookie dough but made out of a beast.
Oh, my God.
Mom! - It was an accident.
- Well, it's not a big deal.
If there's one thing we know about vegans, it's they got a pretty good sense of humor about stuff like this.
So how are things going with you and your dad? - Find anything in common yet? - No, not yet.
No matter how desperate you get, just do not have a baby with him.
It won't help.
Man look at that.
I spent 300 bucks on this stupid Civil War belt buckle.
I was gonna surprise my Dad and let him wear it to the memorabilia show.
Sell it and give him the cash, so he can stop looking for treasure in my pants.
Did you wrap it in tinfoil again? It helps with my Wi-fi signal.
I tried to give him money, but he won't take it.
Wait a second.
This is worth more than he lost on the stupid bet.
And it's metal, so he can find it.
All I gotta do is plant it somewhere.
Oh, my God.
Pork is delicious.
And they come with handles.
Yeah, put me down for Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! And 20 on the Chinese kid to show.
There he is.
The proud hunter returning home from the hunt.
How was it out there? I call it a good day.
Almost four dollars in change.
And one real treasure.
A harmonica! And it works.
Tom, don't put that nasty-ass harmonica in your mouth.
- What was that? - I think it was a hobo's tooth.
Dad, come on.
That harmonica was all you found? Yep.
It's a hobo's tooth.
I think he might've had a crystal meth problem.
You didn't find any accessories? Like, say, I don't know maybe a buckle that might keep a belt buckled? Like, for instance, a belt buckle? How did you know I found a belt buckle? Because I put it there.
Where is it? - I threw it away.
- You threw it away?! How could you throw away the belt buckle? I'm anti-belt.
Just get pants that fit.
If you lose a little weight, just cinch it up with a rope and a little latch.
That's a belt! - Hey! - Hey! - Stop' - Hey, hey, hey! - Turn off tha machine! - Wait! - I can't her you! - Hey! - People in here! - Hey! Put us back down! Oh by god! That was wild.
But we'll never find that belt buckle.
Dad, we're stuck in a trash truck.
We got bigger problems than the buckle.
Aah! Just felt something crawl around my ankle.
Probably a rat.
I hate rats! Of course you hate rats.
Who likes rats? Scientists, cats Watch out! If you hadn't tried to trick me, none of this would've happened.
Look, if you'd just let me pay off your bet, then I wouldn't have had to try to trick you in the first place! Get back.
Get back.
- I never asked for your charity.
- Look, you're my dad.
I can't just sit back and let you suffer.
Why couldn't you just accept my help when I offered it? Because I am your dad! You aren't supposed to bail me out, I'm supposed to bail you out! - Look out! - No, Dad, get behind me.
- No, you get behind me.
- Dad, get behind me.
- No, get behind me! - Get-get Look at us, Dad.
Look at us, we're just trying to save each other.
It's like we're both hardwired to be the protector in this family.
I think that's why I couldn't sit back and let you suffer about the bet.
That's the same reason I couldn't take your money.
You already help your sister, and now your mom I don't want to be another person you help.
I want to be the guy that everyone depends on.
I think I want that, too.
Hey, something in common.
We found it.
- Hey! - Hey! We both went for the hug! We both may be protectors at heart, but I'm still your dad and it's my job to save you.
No! No, Dad, don't go down there! It's probably what it wants you to do.
- Dad, was it a big rat? - A normal-sized rat.
But the thing that ate it was huge.
And one for our little broccolini.
There.
Yeah, Dad, about the hat Guys, Mikayla has something she needs to share with you.
And you need to have an open mind about it, and love your daughter no matter what.
Well honey, what is it? You know you can tell us anything.
Yeah, there's no secrets in this family.
Okay? We're the Broccoli Bunch.
Mom Dad - I - You what, honey? I was twirling my baton in my room, even though you said not to, and broke my music box.
Well, you know you're not supposed to do that.
But we're really proud of you for being honest.
It's such a grown-up thing to do.
And you do look grown-up.
I swear, it looks like you grew an inch while we were gone.
Well, we should go out.
We've got a lot of blood to wash off the front of the car.
Ironically, we hit a cow on the highway coming home.
- What happened, kid? - They weren't ready.
They gave me a stupid broccoli hat, for crying out loud! Well you're a thoughtful girl, and I'm proud of you.
And just so you know Grandma's always got a little beef jerky in the bottom of her purse.
And in her bedside table.
And in her glove compartment.
No, I ate that.
Never mind.
- Now come on.
- Where are we going? We gotta go smash up a music box.