The Mindy Project s01e15 Episode Script
Mindy's Minute
This has been "Women's Health Minute with Dr.
Mindy Lahiri.
" Ladies, that's why it's so important for to you use a multivitamin with calcium to prevent osteoporosis in your bones.
Psst, psst, psst, psst.
What's that, Erica Everywoman? You don't have bones? This has been "Women's Health Minute with Dr.
Mindy Lahiri.
" Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.
Oh, yeah.
We forgot our song.
Watching Mindy's minute, it really was sensational And if I may say, also educational That's Mindy.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Why would you do this? Taxi TV was looking for short, educational, entertaining little videos, and I thought it would help blicize the practice.
It is you.
You are You are Mindy minute.
Yes, sir.
Yes, it's me.
I get recognized anywhere between zero and three times a day.
Today's two.
All day I hear you.
"Dr.
Mindy.
Bye-bye.
" I want to drive into pole! Okay, sir.
Uh, thank you for your feedback.
It's just You're dressed as a dog.
Well, rowlf from the muppets Is the idea that you're some kind of reverse veterinarian? Danny, you have such a literal perspective.
I feel sorry for you.
Ah! That voice is sharp, like scimitar, but it also grates, like rusty scimitar! Okay.
No more! Sir.
I cannot hear my video, sir.
My phone was on 100 when I left my house, and now it is on nine.
Danny, nine.
Mm.
I don't even know how many apps I had open.
What floor? Four, please.
The midwives.
Same.
Uh, yeah.
Four for me too, please.
Four.
Okay, yeah, I got it Four is pressed.
Which one's your favorite? I like Duncan.
Is it even possible the Deslauriers are as handsome as they are in their ads? Ads? Handsome? A gentle fall of rain, our earth's gargantuan ocean, the endangered arctic ice shelf What do they have in common? Timeless beauty? Oh, without question, but they've also existed for eons before the obstetrician.
And for eons, so existed have we.
We're the downtown women's holistic health center.
The midwives.
Our practice, plastic bottle-free since 2009, offers a safe alternative to big doctor.
As a woman, I'm made up of billions of cells and millions of feelings.
I trust all of them with downtown women's holistic health center.
Thanks, Maria.
If you enjoyed the music in this ad, please check out Duncan's page on iTunes.
I can't believe they got Maria Menounos to do their ad.
Guys, she is my hair idol.
Once one TV host falls to the midwives, they all fall Nancy O'Dell, Mary Hart.
Before you know it, they've got Billy Bush.
No, no, no, no.
This isn't happening.
If we're gonna best these guys, we need a media strategy Come on.
Okay, okay, what about the ads on the diner placemats? They shut that place down for human trafficking.
Ah.
I know.
So sad.
I love their pork chops.
You know what we should do? Celebrity endorsements, you guys, and guess what.
I see Sigourney Weaver at the gym all the time, and I've actually spoken to her once or t You know what? She's never gonna go for this.
Okay, maybe you should leave the marketing strategy to partners a little less cloaked in shame You know, the taxi video.
Mindy, you know, don't dwell on the past.
Just focus on trying to make the future less disastrous.
That's the beauty of my ageism lawsuit You had to rehire me.
Finally, a job where I don't have to "warsh" my hands.
You should still "warsh" them.
You know, back when you were a nurse here, you never got this close without trying to give me a wedgie.
My wedgie days are in the past, God willing.
I'm not gonna let this job slip through my filthy hands.
Oh.
Okay, well, this is your excel, firefox, quickbooks.
This is a calculator.
Sure, sure, right.
Now, your username will be "adminassist002," and your password can be whatever you want, but it has to have four letters, one in caps, three numbers, and two underscores, not dashes.
Obviously.
Don't worry.
I know all about computers Clicking, clacking, these guys.
Why don't you just set up your email? Okay, Kelsey, well, like last time, your discomfort is not from early labor.
It is from gas.
Oh, what a relief.
I was supposed to be a ring-card girl at a UFC match tonight.
Are you serious? What do you think? I okay.
You got me.
Oh, my my my blood test Yeah? I'm anemic, right? No, you are not anemic.
Why does everyone always think they're anemic? I think they all read the same article in self or something.
You are healthy.
Your baby's healthy.
You just have to stop worrying.
Did my blood tests show all that ecstasy I did last weekend? What? Are you insane? Relax, I am joking.
Obviously, I am not doing ecstasy.
It's not like it's 1994.
Kelsey, you pose a big challenge for me as a physician, because on one hand, you are incredibly sarcastic, but on the other hand, you're, like, this major worrier.
Part of me feels like it maybe is coming from the same place, but then I don't know.
It's not my field.
What is your field? Oh, really cool taxi cab videos.
That was sarcasm.
How do you two deal with a patient that you just straight up don't like? I love all my patients.
What about that old lady who's racist against everybody? Even to me.
I'm not even a race.
She called me a toffee head.
Oh! Speak of the devil, and America's next top broadcaster appears.
- We've been looking for you.
- Huh? Heh? Mindy, I think they're talking to me.
Dr.
Jeremy Reed.
This is all so sudden.
No, we're here for her.
Mm-hmm.
I'm Nick.
This is Helen.
We produce the channel 8 news.
Guys, I watch that show all the time.
I'm a huge fan.
Oh, my God, yes.
Your segment on how to "zazz" up leftovers That was emmy-worthy.
You know, they fought me on that segment.
It's disgusting.
I've never seen such overt sexism.
It's like, "let her do the damn piece on leftovers!" All right, honey.
We won, so it's all right.
Um, we saw your taxi TV spot.
Okay, that is enough, all right? If you didn't like my segment, you did not have to come to my place of work and tell me.
You could have just been like everybody else and shouted it from a bus.
You're bullies.
"Didn't like it"? Wha We have a proposal for you.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to host a segment on the 5:00 news? Let's slow it down.
In our business, there's a measure called the "Q" rating.
It measures audience awareness of a celebrity.
Did I score a huge "Q" rating? You know, I wanted to be a celebrity doctor before I even wanted to be a doctor.
Yeah, no.
Your "Q" rating was effectively zero.
Out of 100.
Sorry.
Uh, Mindy, could you help me update my photo for my I.
D.
Card with this one? This is really something for the security office at the hospital.
I know.
It's just It's better if you do it.
I'm just gonna leave those there What? For you.
I do not know what that was.
Anyways, your "Q" rating was a disaster, but your "P" rating was off the charts.
"P" for popularity? Pity.
Sure.
You scored a "P" rating equal to that of the dog that was saved from the roof during hurricane Katrina.
No human has ever scored sad-dog numbers.
So you want me to host a segment because people pity me? When people feel sympathy for you Or are worried about your safety They want to keep watching.
Given my current situation, I don't think I need any more pity.
Well That's a disappointment.
Yeah.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, do give us a call asap, 'cause we are going to have to make an offer to a police officer who shot himself in the foot at show-and-tell.
I believe congratulations is in order.
Your video was on tosh.
0.
He called you his "fat loser of the week.
" That is incredibly hateful.
Oh, no.
I think he was laughing with you.
That is enough.
Being a doctor in a dog costume cannot be the only thing that people know about me.
That's not true.
People say you have a juicy ass.
What? I did not say that.
Other people said it.
I just agreed.
I said it.
I was the only one that said it.
- You gonna call the police? - I need redemption.
Kim Kardashian started out with a sex tape, but she didn't stop there and let it define her.
Kim Kardashian made a sex tape? Yes, exactly.
So I just need to ride out this minor humiliation until I find my kanye.
Hel yeah, Helen? Yes.
I am in.
Nice.
Helen, I'm sorry.
This is Dr.
Mindy Lahiri.
What I'm in for is that TV segment that we talked about.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Hey, how do you, uh, spell "Kardashian"? Are you looking up her sex tape? No, I just wanted to see what she's up to.
I need you to leave.
Everyone, huge news Really exciting news.
Stop what you're doing.
Stop what you're doing.
Gather round.
Parker, you can continue to take out the recycling.
You're not part of the core group.
I have been hand-selected to be the new medical correspondent for the channel 8 news.
Oh, my God! You were born for TV news.
How you're always taking undramatic things and making them dramatic.
I don't do that.
Or do I? This is This is great news.
You deserve this.
I'm so glad it's you.
Now I'll have two famous signatures for my autograph book You and mayor David Dinkins.
Okay, Mindy, look, I know you're really excited about this, but if you want my opinion I don't.
Can you guys believe it? Me, the child of immigrants Is it offensive to say that I only trust an older white man to give me the news? Yes.
Very.
Mindy, I don't know about this.
Look, Danny, I know that you are worried that my fame is gonna change things.
No, I'm not.
And, Danny, I'm more worried for you.
You are? Yeah.
What if there's some unflattering headline, like, "why is she with him?" And we're just walking to get lunch? And you'll have to get to know my bodyguard, D'Nell.
And, uh, there might be "crotcharazzi.
" "Crotcharazzi"? Erica, so you are trying to tell me that you have never heard of a mammogram.
Does it hurt? They're not the most comfortable things.
Dr.
C.
, you gotta see this.
They don't hurt.
This is her segment.
It's informative, But it's hilarious.
Okay, this is Dr.
Castellano.
I work with him.
Are you kidding me? You're gonna use this stupid puppet? Uh, Erica is a brilliant puppet, she's just uninformed about women's health, which is where I come in.
Okay, Mindy, you gotta be careful about the local news game.
What do you know about local news? Local news is the only news I watch.
I don't want to hear about the Syrian revolution from Brian Williams.
I want to hear about the Syrian revolution from some Syrian guy who owns a local dunkin' donuts.
That's what I want.
Okay If you are going to denigrate a legend like Brian Williams, Erica and I would like you to leave.
You look like a fool, and this whole practice looks like a bag of jerks, and you know what, Mindy? We can't afford that.
Look, don't worry, okay? I know what I'm doing.
I'm gonna get you in shape.
Okay.
Okay? Yeah.
She goes on your right hand.
Just use, like, a funny voice.
Have fun with it.
You know, but if Erica! Ooh, Dr.
Reed, you have some sriracha on your tie.
Oh, well.
Just another excuse to go to this store I found in soho.
They have a DJ who mashes up '80s hip-hop with John Grisham audiobooks.
I found a new store Great selection of compression hose.
Any color you want light tan, medium tan, black lady.
Right.
What'd you say? Nothing.
Okay, let's start from the beginning.
Camera three.
Camera one.
Camera two.
Three.
One.
Two.
Two again.
Excellent.
Okay, let's see the visual aid.
I don't know how I'm gonna make this talk.
No, no, no.
That doesn't talk.
You talk.
Okay, so you just want me to be like, "hi.
I'm Dr.
Mindy Lahiri, and here's my boring old model of a vagina.
" Whoa! Whoa! You can't say that.
That word is a local news no-no.
It's 5:30.
Mom's cooking dinner.
Dad's pouring his first scotch.
You can't say that, okay? Promise me you're not gonna say Okay, well, then I better get it out of my system now.
Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina Are we gonna take this seriously or not? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can we stop? Okay.
From the beginning, okay? Yeah.
Camera three.
Camera one.
Camera two.
Camera one.
Camera four.
There's no camera four.
There's three cameras.
And that is the unfortunate democracy of the urinary tract infection.
This has been Dr.
Mindy Lahiri on the latest updates of UTIs.
Danny! Check it out.
I'm pushing a low pressure system through long island right now.
Storm coming.
Eat it, Massapequa.
You're not listening.
I've heard this segment It's gonna be great, okay? Relax.
It's gonna be great.
Oh, my God.
Danny, this could change my whole life.
You know, what if I'm supposed to be the next Sanjay Gupta Out there educating people about flu epidemics? Probably end up having brunch on the weekend with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.
I hope they don't make fun of me too much.
Oh, God.
It's my patient Kelsey.
The hypochondriac? Yeah.
Don't answer it.
Don't answer it.
Okay.
What did I just say? Hey, Kelsey? Okay.
Okay, calm down.
You are not going into labor.
Do not go to the hospital.
You do not need to go Okay, you're calling me from the hospital.
Well, whatever you do Okay.
She hung up on you? Yeah.
What do I do? I should go, right? No, she'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.
Right? Yeah.
Yeah, definitely, definitely.
'Cause she's not going into labor.
She's not going into labor.
Now, let's focus.
What if she is going into labor? She's fine.
I'm gonna leave.
Wait, wait, wait.
Yeah, I'm gonna leave.
What about No, no, no.
The segment.
The seg I know.
We have plenty of time.
We have more than an hour.
I'm just gonna go there.
I'm gonna be right back.
It's gonna take five minutes.
I'm gonna calm her down.
And I'll be back in plenty of time.
You sure? Yeah, don't worry.
Don't worry.
It's gonna be great.
Just, you kn Don't let them bump us for that nine-year-old that got into college.
Wait watch Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Okay, Kelsey, you are not in labor, just as I thought, and your baby is fine.
A nurse is gonna come in here soon to confirm all that with you, and I'm just gonna head out.
Okay, bye.
Great.
You go party while I just sit here by myself, terrified.
Ha.
Some of your trademark sarcasm Hilarious.
See ya.
This doesn't seem to have been hung up right.
Okay, are you staying or going? I don't know, Kelsey.
I'm just Give me a second to think about it.
Merciful Jesus, please make Mindy show up, and let the Yankees scout some good Dominicans this season.
Come on.
Come on, Mindy.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
We're all good.
This is her, see? Where are you? I'm still at the hospital.
Wait, what? You're supposed to be I'm not gonna make it.
No, no, no, no.
The segment's about to start, Mindy.
I know.
You should do it.
Are you insane? No, Danny, you'll be great.
You'll be promoting the practice.
You'll be sticking it to the midwives.
You'll be showing everyone how much better you are than me.
It's like everything that you like.
Oh.
Okay, fine.
Don't be so annoying.
Be excited.
Danny, you're doing my dream job.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
Okay, we're looking great.
Hey, do you mind if we, um, watch the local news? Yeah, I would love to watch the local news, since it's 1983.
Okay, I need to work on my sarcasm.
No.
Vice President Biden was 72.
And today he's 73.
Now for an all-new segment "Focus on health with Dr.
Mindy.
" focus on health with Sorry, Trish.
Dr.
Mindy little change in lineup.
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Danny.
Wait.
Were you supposed to be on the news tonight? No, I'm your doctor.
I'm supposed to be here with you.
I'm here to talk about a problem millions of women face a year Urinary tract infections, or UTIs.
And, man, are they a pain, but now there's a promising new antibiotic, and trust me, it ain't your grandma's aminoglycocide.
Women get more bladder infections than men, mostly because their urethras are shorter than men, located here above the vagina.
Just keep going.
Thank you.
Um Not vagina.
Well, yes, vagina.
That not not not Not that it's a bad word, it's it's it's It's beautiful.
Not like "beautiful" like it's hot.
Danny, stop saying things.
Let's let's take a look at the model.
Oh, okay.
Can you just just hand me the vulva? Um, just Throw it back to Trish.
Throw it back to Trish.
Look who Look who showed up.
Oh, God.
It's Erica.
Hi, everyone.
Do not bring Erica into this! Wrap it up! Just wrap it up.
It's like watching someone fall down a flight of stairs slowly.
That's "focus on" That's "focus on" My left or your That's "focus on health.
" Now back to you, Trish.
focus on health with Dr.
Mindy We're the downtown women's holistic health center The midwives.
Wow.
I was actually thinking about using a midwife for my second baby.
I will give you their phone number.
Oh, ugh! Drag me to hell! Ugh.
Everyone? Everyone, I have something to say.
I know I almost took this place to court, but I need help Help using computers.
I don't understand anything.
Beverly, we would be happy to help you.
Sure.
I once volunteered teaching nursing-home residents how to email their grandkids.
It was super gratifying.
Great story, Parker.
Really had a beginning, middle, and an end.
Bev, sit down.
What do you need? I gotta attach a file to an email.
Couldn't be simpler.
All you gotta do is just move the mouse up.
Oh, actually, if you want the cursor to go up, you move the mouse forward.
Oh, got ya Like a Chinese finger trap.
Yeah, there you go.
And just click the file and drag it.
No, that's trash! No, no, no.
That's trash! That's trash.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
No, no, no! Trash, trash, trash.
Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Oh! Calm down.
You're freaking out.
Ah! Okay.
Now click "send.
" Oh! Did I do it? You did it.
Oh! I love you, Morgan, baby! Ow! Ow! Well, well, well, it appears I have received my first official email from Beverly.
Oh.
Let's open that.
Okay.
Okay, why would Aladdin allow Jasmine to degrade him so publicly? Oh, my God.
In front of Abu? That's disgusting.
Oh, Abu's enjoying it.
It's a goof.
Don't send emails like that.
It's inappropriate.
Patients walking around.
Forward it to me, so I know it's gone.
You got it.
Look, I'm sorry I messed up the TV thing.
I said nothing.
Hello, Mindy.
Um, hey.
Oh, Danny, I saw your segment on the news.
Drop dead, Deslaurier.
No, live TV can be very difficult.
Okay, that's enough.
I'm just saying, it is a warm room, and it's not uncommon for those to profusely sweat from underneath their arms.
I wasn't sweating profusely.
I would like you to know I do have a natural mineral antiperspirant in my office that can work wonders for someone in your situation.
Okay, there's no situation.
I don't have a situation, okay? Well Danny was great.
Great? And yes.
He sweat through maybe four or five layers of clothing.
It was three.
I had a it was And, yeah, we didn't have some, you know, fancy cinematographer like in your dumb commercial.
Yeah, and it was really hot in there.
Okay, this is us.
Okay.
Well Have fun on your lame floor.
With Maria Menounos.
Mindy, why aren't you answering my texts? Because you're a dick.
Hey, thanks for that, min.
Did you just call me "min"? No.
Okay, Dan.
It hurts when I pee.
I think what you're describing, Erica, is a urinary tract infection, and with cranberry juice, a urinary tract infection is anything but intractable.
Fantastic.
And this has been "Mindy's health minute with Dr.
Mindy.
" Bye.
Yes! Good job.
Thank you.
Good job.
Is that what you were trying to do? 'Cause it's so different from what you did.
Thanks, bets.
That was incredible.
I'm sorry.
I learned so much about my body.
You and me, Dr.
Mindy, we're gonna take it to the top.
Oh, you think so? Oh, who's that son of a bitch? Erica! What do you have to say for yourself, puppet beater? I'm sorry I threw you, but I gotta get back to work.
Yeah.
Bye, Dr.
Reed.
Erica, I thought that went pretty well.
Me too.
And we're gonna be a hit with all the kids.
Well, I would love that, but you know what? Bye, Betsy.
I still want to make sure I have time to see patients.
That's why you're such a good doctor You still care.
I do.
I really do.
That's Mindy.
Bye-bye.
Go to bed.
Mindy Lahiri.
" Ladies, that's why it's so important for to you use a multivitamin with calcium to prevent osteoporosis in your bones.
Psst, psst, psst, psst.
What's that, Erica Everywoman? You don't have bones? This has been "Women's Health Minute with Dr.
Mindy Lahiri.
" Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.
Oh, yeah.
We forgot our song.
Watching Mindy's minute, it really was sensational And if I may say, also educational That's Mindy.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Why would you do this? Taxi TV was looking for short, educational, entertaining little videos, and I thought it would help blicize the practice.
It is you.
You are You are Mindy minute.
Yes, sir.
Yes, it's me.
I get recognized anywhere between zero and three times a day.
Today's two.
All day I hear you.
"Dr.
Mindy.
Bye-bye.
" I want to drive into pole! Okay, sir.
Uh, thank you for your feedback.
It's just You're dressed as a dog.
Well, rowlf from the muppets Is the idea that you're some kind of reverse veterinarian? Danny, you have such a literal perspective.
I feel sorry for you.
Ah! That voice is sharp, like scimitar, but it also grates, like rusty scimitar! Okay.
No more! Sir.
I cannot hear my video, sir.
My phone was on 100 when I left my house, and now it is on nine.
Danny, nine.
Mm.
I don't even know how many apps I had open.
What floor? Four, please.
The midwives.
Same.
Uh, yeah.
Four for me too, please.
Four.
Okay, yeah, I got it Four is pressed.
Which one's your favorite? I like Duncan.
Is it even possible the Deslauriers are as handsome as they are in their ads? Ads? Handsome? A gentle fall of rain, our earth's gargantuan ocean, the endangered arctic ice shelf What do they have in common? Timeless beauty? Oh, without question, but they've also existed for eons before the obstetrician.
And for eons, so existed have we.
We're the downtown women's holistic health center.
The midwives.
Our practice, plastic bottle-free since 2009, offers a safe alternative to big doctor.
As a woman, I'm made up of billions of cells and millions of feelings.
I trust all of them with downtown women's holistic health center.
Thanks, Maria.
If you enjoyed the music in this ad, please check out Duncan's page on iTunes.
I can't believe they got Maria Menounos to do their ad.
Guys, she is my hair idol.
Once one TV host falls to the midwives, they all fall Nancy O'Dell, Mary Hart.
Before you know it, they've got Billy Bush.
No, no, no, no.
This isn't happening.
If we're gonna best these guys, we need a media strategy Come on.
Okay, okay, what about the ads on the diner placemats? They shut that place down for human trafficking.
Ah.
I know.
So sad.
I love their pork chops.
You know what we should do? Celebrity endorsements, you guys, and guess what.
I see Sigourney Weaver at the gym all the time, and I've actually spoken to her once or t You know what? She's never gonna go for this.
Okay, maybe you should leave the marketing strategy to partners a little less cloaked in shame You know, the taxi video.
Mindy, you know, don't dwell on the past.
Just focus on trying to make the future less disastrous.
That's the beauty of my ageism lawsuit You had to rehire me.
Finally, a job where I don't have to "warsh" my hands.
You should still "warsh" them.
You know, back when you were a nurse here, you never got this close without trying to give me a wedgie.
My wedgie days are in the past, God willing.
I'm not gonna let this job slip through my filthy hands.
Oh.
Okay, well, this is your excel, firefox, quickbooks.
This is a calculator.
Sure, sure, right.
Now, your username will be "adminassist002," and your password can be whatever you want, but it has to have four letters, one in caps, three numbers, and two underscores, not dashes.
Obviously.
Don't worry.
I know all about computers Clicking, clacking, these guys.
Why don't you just set up your email? Okay, Kelsey, well, like last time, your discomfort is not from early labor.
It is from gas.
Oh, what a relief.
I was supposed to be a ring-card girl at a UFC match tonight.
Are you serious? What do you think? I okay.
You got me.
Oh, my my my blood test Yeah? I'm anemic, right? No, you are not anemic.
Why does everyone always think they're anemic? I think they all read the same article in self or something.
You are healthy.
Your baby's healthy.
You just have to stop worrying.
Did my blood tests show all that ecstasy I did last weekend? What? Are you insane? Relax, I am joking.
Obviously, I am not doing ecstasy.
It's not like it's 1994.
Kelsey, you pose a big challenge for me as a physician, because on one hand, you are incredibly sarcastic, but on the other hand, you're, like, this major worrier.
Part of me feels like it maybe is coming from the same place, but then I don't know.
It's not my field.
What is your field? Oh, really cool taxi cab videos.
That was sarcasm.
How do you two deal with a patient that you just straight up don't like? I love all my patients.
What about that old lady who's racist against everybody? Even to me.
I'm not even a race.
She called me a toffee head.
Oh! Speak of the devil, and America's next top broadcaster appears.
- We've been looking for you.
- Huh? Heh? Mindy, I think they're talking to me.
Dr.
Jeremy Reed.
This is all so sudden.
No, we're here for her.
Mm-hmm.
I'm Nick.
This is Helen.
We produce the channel 8 news.
Guys, I watch that show all the time.
I'm a huge fan.
Oh, my God, yes.
Your segment on how to "zazz" up leftovers That was emmy-worthy.
You know, they fought me on that segment.
It's disgusting.
I've never seen such overt sexism.
It's like, "let her do the damn piece on leftovers!" All right, honey.
We won, so it's all right.
Um, we saw your taxi TV spot.
Okay, that is enough, all right? If you didn't like my segment, you did not have to come to my place of work and tell me.
You could have just been like everybody else and shouted it from a bus.
You're bullies.
"Didn't like it"? Wha We have a proposal for you.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to host a segment on the 5:00 news? Let's slow it down.
In our business, there's a measure called the "Q" rating.
It measures audience awareness of a celebrity.
Did I score a huge "Q" rating? You know, I wanted to be a celebrity doctor before I even wanted to be a doctor.
Yeah, no.
Your "Q" rating was effectively zero.
Out of 100.
Sorry.
Uh, Mindy, could you help me update my photo for my I.
D.
Card with this one? This is really something for the security office at the hospital.
I know.
It's just It's better if you do it.
I'm just gonna leave those there What? For you.
I do not know what that was.
Anyways, your "Q" rating was a disaster, but your "P" rating was off the charts.
"P" for popularity? Pity.
Sure.
You scored a "P" rating equal to that of the dog that was saved from the roof during hurricane Katrina.
No human has ever scored sad-dog numbers.
So you want me to host a segment because people pity me? When people feel sympathy for you Or are worried about your safety They want to keep watching.
Given my current situation, I don't think I need any more pity.
Well That's a disappointment.
Yeah.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, do give us a call asap, 'cause we are going to have to make an offer to a police officer who shot himself in the foot at show-and-tell.
I believe congratulations is in order.
Your video was on tosh.
0.
He called you his "fat loser of the week.
" That is incredibly hateful.
Oh, no.
I think he was laughing with you.
That is enough.
Being a doctor in a dog costume cannot be the only thing that people know about me.
That's not true.
People say you have a juicy ass.
What? I did not say that.
Other people said it.
I just agreed.
I said it.
I was the only one that said it.
- You gonna call the police? - I need redemption.
Kim Kardashian started out with a sex tape, but she didn't stop there and let it define her.
Kim Kardashian made a sex tape? Yes, exactly.
So I just need to ride out this minor humiliation until I find my kanye.
Hel yeah, Helen? Yes.
I am in.
Nice.
Helen, I'm sorry.
This is Dr.
Mindy Lahiri.
What I'm in for is that TV segment that we talked about.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Hey, how do you, uh, spell "Kardashian"? Are you looking up her sex tape? No, I just wanted to see what she's up to.
I need you to leave.
Everyone, huge news Really exciting news.
Stop what you're doing.
Stop what you're doing.
Gather round.
Parker, you can continue to take out the recycling.
You're not part of the core group.
I have been hand-selected to be the new medical correspondent for the channel 8 news.
Oh, my God! You were born for TV news.
How you're always taking undramatic things and making them dramatic.
I don't do that.
Or do I? This is This is great news.
You deserve this.
I'm so glad it's you.
Now I'll have two famous signatures for my autograph book You and mayor David Dinkins.
Okay, Mindy, look, I know you're really excited about this, but if you want my opinion I don't.
Can you guys believe it? Me, the child of immigrants Is it offensive to say that I only trust an older white man to give me the news? Yes.
Very.
Mindy, I don't know about this.
Look, Danny, I know that you are worried that my fame is gonna change things.
No, I'm not.
And, Danny, I'm more worried for you.
You are? Yeah.
What if there's some unflattering headline, like, "why is she with him?" And we're just walking to get lunch? And you'll have to get to know my bodyguard, D'Nell.
And, uh, there might be "crotcharazzi.
" "Crotcharazzi"? Erica, so you are trying to tell me that you have never heard of a mammogram.
Does it hurt? They're not the most comfortable things.
Dr.
C.
, you gotta see this.
They don't hurt.
This is her segment.
It's informative, But it's hilarious.
Okay, this is Dr.
Castellano.
I work with him.
Are you kidding me? You're gonna use this stupid puppet? Uh, Erica is a brilliant puppet, she's just uninformed about women's health, which is where I come in.
Okay, Mindy, you gotta be careful about the local news game.
What do you know about local news? Local news is the only news I watch.
I don't want to hear about the Syrian revolution from Brian Williams.
I want to hear about the Syrian revolution from some Syrian guy who owns a local dunkin' donuts.
That's what I want.
Okay If you are going to denigrate a legend like Brian Williams, Erica and I would like you to leave.
You look like a fool, and this whole practice looks like a bag of jerks, and you know what, Mindy? We can't afford that.
Look, don't worry, okay? I know what I'm doing.
I'm gonna get you in shape.
Okay.
Okay? Yeah.
She goes on your right hand.
Just use, like, a funny voice.
Have fun with it.
You know, but if Erica! Ooh, Dr.
Reed, you have some sriracha on your tie.
Oh, well.
Just another excuse to go to this store I found in soho.
They have a DJ who mashes up '80s hip-hop with John Grisham audiobooks.
I found a new store Great selection of compression hose.
Any color you want light tan, medium tan, black lady.
Right.
What'd you say? Nothing.
Okay, let's start from the beginning.
Camera three.
Camera one.
Camera two.
Three.
One.
Two.
Two again.
Excellent.
Okay, let's see the visual aid.
I don't know how I'm gonna make this talk.
No, no, no.
That doesn't talk.
You talk.
Okay, so you just want me to be like, "hi.
I'm Dr.
Mindy Lahiri, and here's my boring old model of a vagina.
" Whoa! Whoa! You can't say that.
That word is a local news no-no.
It's 5:30.
Mom's cooking dinner.
Dad's pouring his first scotch.
You can't say that, okay? Promise me you're not gonna say Okay, well, then I better get it out of my system now.
Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina Are we gonna take this seriously or not? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can we stop? Okay.
From the beginning, okay? Yeah.
Camera three.
Camera one.
Camera two.
Camera one.
Camera four.
There's no camera four.
There's three cameras.
And that is the unfortunate democracy of the urinary tract infection.
This has been Dr.
Mindy Lahiri on the latest updates of UTIs.
Danny! Check it out.
I'm pushing a low pressure system through long island right now.
Storm coming.
Eat it, Massapequa.
You're not listening.
I've heard this segment It's gonna be great, okay? Relax.
It's gonna be great.
Oh, my God.
Danny, this could change my whole life.
You know, what if I'm supposed to be the next Sanjay Gupta Out there educating people about flu epidemics? Probably end up having brunch on the weekend with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.
I hope they don't make fun of me too much.
Oh, God.
It's my patient Kelsey.
The hypochondriac? Yeah.
Don't answer it.
Don't answer it.
Okay.
What did I just say? Hey, Kelsey? Okay.
Okay, calm down.
You are not going into labor.
Do not go to the hospital.
You do not need to go Okay, you're calling me from the hospital.
Well, whatever you do Okay.
She hung up on you? Yeah.
What do I do? I should go, right? No, she'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.
Right? Yeah.
Yeah, definitely, definitely.
'Cause she's not going into labor.
She's not going into labor.
Now, let's focus.
What if she is going into labor? She's fine.
I'm gonna leave.
Wait, wait, wait.
Yeah, I'm gonna leave.
What about No, no, no.
The segment.
The seg I know.
We have plenty of time.
We have more than an hour.
I'm just gonna go there.
I'm gonna be right back.
It's gonna take five minutes.
I'm gonna calm her down.
And I'll be back in plenty of time.
You sure? Yeah, don't worry.
Don't worry.
It's gonna be great.
Just, you kn Don't let them bump us for that nine-year-old that got into college.
Wait watch Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Okay, Kelsey, you are not in labor, just as I thought, and your baby is fine.
A nurse is gonna come in here soon to confirm all that with you, and I'm just gonna head out.
Okay, bye.
Great.
You go party while I just sit here by myself, terrified.
Ha.
Some of your trademark sarcasm Hilarious.
See ya.
This doesn't seem to have been hung up right.
Okay, are you staying or going? I don't know, Kelsey.
I'm just Give me a second to think about it.
Merciful Jesus, please make Mindy show up, and let the Yankees scout some good Dominicans this season.
Come on.
Come on, Mindy.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
We're all good.
This is her, see? Where are you? I'm still at the hospital.
Wait, what? You're supposed to be I'm not gonna make it.
No, no, no, no.
The segment's about to start, Mindy.
I know.
You should do it.
Are you insane? No, Danny, you'll be great.
You'll be promoting the practice.
You'll be sticking it to the midwives.
You'll be showing everyone how much better you are than me.
It's like everything that you like.
Oh.
Okay, fine.
Don't be so annoying.
Be excited.
Danny, you're doing my dream job.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
Okay, we're looking great.
Hey, do you mind if we, um, watch the local news? Yeah, I would love to watch the local news, since it's 1983.
Okay, I need to work on my sarcasm.
No.
Vice President Biden was 72.
And today he's 73.
Now for an all-new segment "Focus on health with Dr.
Mindy.
" focus on health with Sorry, Trish.
Dr.
Mindy little change in lineup.
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Danny.
Wait.
Were you supposed to be on the news tonight? No, I'm your doctor.
I'm supposed to be here with you.
I'm here to talk about a problem millions of women face a year Urinary tract infections, or UTIs.
And, man, are they a pain, but now there's a promising new antibiotic, and trust me, it ain't your grandma's aminoglycocide.
Women get more bladder infections than men, mostly because their urethras are shorter than men, located here above the vagina.
Just keep going.
Thank you.
Um Not vagina.
Well, yes, vagina.
That not not not Not that it's a bad word, it's it's it's It's beautiful.
Not like "beautiful" like it's hot.
Danny, stop saying things.
Let's let's take a look at the model.
Oh, okay.
Can you just just hand me the vulva? Um, just Throw it back to Trish.
Throw it back to Trish.
Look who Look who showed up.
Oh, God.
It's Erica.
Hi, everyone.
Do not bring Erica into this! Wrap it up! Just wrap it up.
It's like watching someone fall down a flight of stairs slowly.
That's "focus on" That's "focus on" My left or your That's "focus on health.
" Now back to you, Trish.
focus on health with Dr.
Mindy We're the downtown women's holistic health center The midwives.
Wow.
I was actually thinking about using a midwife for my second baby.
I will give you their phone number.
Oh, ugh! Drag me to hell! Ugh.
Everyone? Everyone, I have something to say.
I know I almost took this place to court, but I need help Help using computers.
I don't understand anything.
Beverly, we would be happy to help you.
Sure.
I once volunteered teaching nursing-home residents how to email their grandkids.
It was super gratifying.
Great story, Parker.
Really had a beginning, middle, and an end.
Bev, sit down.
What do you need? I gotta attach a file to an email.
Couldn't be simpler.
All you gotta do is just move the mouse up.
Oh, actually, if you want the cursor to go up, you move the mouse forward.
Oh, got ya Like a Chinese finger trap.
Yeah, there you go.
And just click the file and drag it.
No, that's trash! No, no, no.
That's trash! That's trash.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
No, no, no! Trash, trash, trash.
Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Oh! Calm down.
You're freaking out.
Ah! Okay.
Now click "send.
" Oh! Did I do it? You did it.
Oh! I love you, Morgan, baby! Ow! Ow! Well, well, well, it appears I have received my first official email from Beverly.
Oh.
Let's open that.
Okay.
Okay, why would Aladdin allow Jasmine to degrade him so publicly? Oh, my God.
In front of Abu? That's disgusting.
Oh, Abu's enjoying it.
It's a goof.
Don't send emails like that.
It's inappropriate.
Patients walking around.
Forward it to me, so I know it's gone.
You got it.
Look, I'm sorry I messed up the TV thing.
I said nothing.
Hello, Mindy.
Um, hey.
Oh, Danny, I saw your segment on the news.
Drop dead, Deslaurier.
No, live TV can be very difficult.
Okay, that's enough.
I'm just saying, it is a warm room, and it's not uncommon for those to profusely sweat from underneath their arms.
I wasn't sweating profusely.
I would like you to know I do have a natural mineral antiperspirant in my office that can work wonders for someone in your situation.
Okay, there's no situation.
I don't have a situation, okay? Well Danny was great.
Great? And yes.
He sweat through maybe four or five layers of clothing.
It was three.
I had a it was And, yeah, we didn't have some, you know, fancy cinematographer like in your dumb commercial.
Yeah, and it was really hot in there.
Okay, this is us.
Okay.
Well Have fun on your lame floor.
With Maria Menounos.
Mindy, why aren't you answering my texts? Because you're a dick.
Hey, thanks for that, min.
Did you just call me "min"? No.
Okay, Dan.
It hurts when I pee.
I think what you're describing, Erica, is a urinary tract infection, and with cranberry juice, a urinary tract infection is anything but intractable.
Fantastic.
And this has been "Mindy's health minute with Dr.
Mindy.
" Bye.
Yes! Good job.
Thank you.
Good job.
Is that what you were trying to do? 'Cause it's so different from what you did.
Thanks, bets.
That was incredible.
I'm sorry.
I learned so much about my body.
You and me, Dr.
Mindy, we're gonna take it to the top.
Oh, you think so? Oh, who's that son of a bitch? Erica! What do you have to say for yourself, puppet beater? I'm sorry I threw you, but I gotta get back to work.
Yeah.
Bye, Dr.
Reed.
Erica, I thought that went pretty well.
Me too.
And we're gonna be a hit with all the kids.
Well, I would love that, but you know what? Bye, Betsy.
I still want to make sure I have time to see patients.
That's why you're such a good doctor You still care.
I do.
I really do.
That's Mindy.
Bye-bye.
Go to bed.