The Muppet Show (1976) s01e15 Episode Script
Candice Bergen
It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI guest star Miss Candice Bergen! Woo! It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Hey, question, What has a thousand legs, but can't walk? 500 pairs of pants, Ha ha, To introduce our guest star That's what I'm here to do And it really makes me happy To introduce to you Miss Candice Bergen! Woo! But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI This is what we call The Muppet Show Thank you, Thank you, thank you, Hey, Boy, do we have a show for you tonight, Our speciaI guest star is the beautifuI Miss Candice Bergen, And she's not just another pretty face, Besides being an actress, she's a top photographer, a writer, a world traveler, What you'd call a well-rounded person, Ha, You can say that again, Woo, woo! Woo, woo! Listen, you clowns, We're not gonna have any of those male-chauvinist-pig jokes while Miss Bergen is out here, I'm tired of any kind of pig joke, Uh Piggy, what are you doing out here? Oh, Kermit, dear, Did you know that every time we have a beautifuI girI on the show, you forget about me? - Uh Yeah, well, uh uh We could have a seaI act on the show, Piggy, and I might forget about you, He tries so desperately to hide his love for me, Uh, yeah, but, uh You promised I was gonna open the show this week, flipperface, Uh Piggy, my love, my life, - Never mind that jazz, Listen, turkey, Ms.
Bergen said I should stand up for my rights, Either I open the show or Ms.
Bergen and I walk, Well, OK, OK, you can open the show, Piggy, You get to open the show, Oh! What a surprise! Oh, thank you, my love, Mwah! Kissy, kissy, Uh Never let it be said that the frog is a pig, So, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Ms.
Piggy, and her rendition of "What Now My Love?" Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom What now, my love? Now that you left me? How can I live Through another day? Watching my dreams Turning to ashes And my hopes Into bits of clay - # Once I could see - # Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom - # Once I could feeI - # Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom Now I am numb I've become unreaI - # I walk the night - # Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom - # Without a goaI - # Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom Stripped of my heart - # My souI - # Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom - # What now, my love? - # Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom Now there is nothing - # Only my last - # Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom - # Goodbye - # Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bah Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-neh Oh, Oh, Oh, Thanks, Piggy, You never sounded better, OK, so I lie a little, - Uh Wire for Kermit the Frog, Wire for Kermit the Frog, Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? - Of course I am, Wire for you, Haaa! Cute, Cute bit, - Oh, Haaa! Oh! I love a good running gag, There's a great little "down home country style, sitting by the fire whittling and fiddling" song called "Put Another Log on the Fire," Here now is that song, and here too is tonight's very speciaI guest star Miss Candice Bergen, Put another log on the fire Cook me up some bacon and some beans And go out to the car and change the tire Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans Come on baby, you can fill my pipe And then go fetch my slippers And boiI me up another pot of tea Then put another log on the fire, babe Come on, tell me why you're leaving me Now, don't I let you wash the car on Sunday? Don't I warn you when you're getting fat? Ain't I gonna take you fishing with me someday? Well, a man can't love a woman more than that And ain't I always nice to your kid sister? Don't I take her driving every night? So sit here at my feet 'cause I like you when you're sweet And you know it ain't feminine to fight So put another log on the fire Cook me up some bacon and some beans And go out to the car and change the tire Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe And then go fetch my slippers And boiI me up another pot of tea So put another log on the fire, babe And come and tell me why you're leaving me Yeehah! Letter for Kermit the Frog, Letter for Kermit the Frog, Letter for Ker Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? You know I am, Fozzie, Letter for you, Haaa haa, A letter, Haa, Funny, Funny, Haaa, Someday I'm gonna get him, I don't know how, but I'm going to get him, It's not a bad joke, though, Oh, uh Letter for Scooter the gofer, Letter for Scooter the gofer, What's that? - Are you Scooter the gofer? Well, you know I am, chief, - There's a letter on the desk here for you, Sorry, I'll have to read it later, You see, I'm really busy getting stuff for Miss Bergen, See ya, - Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Funny! Hey, when I went to schooI, I was the teacher's pet, What's the matter? Couldn't she afford a dog? Oh! If the queen of England was free tomorrow night, would you take her to dinner? Sure bet, Course I would, Well, she can't make it, so how about me? You know, you dance like Rogers, - Oh, Ginger Rogers? No, Roy Rogers, Hey, Mildred, would you mind if I popped the question? Oh, of course not, George, Thanks, Oh, shut up, It's very nice to have you with us on the paneI, Clara, OK, uh It's time once again, friends, time once again to raise the intellectuaI leveI of our program, And our subject tonight is, "Does traveI broaden the mind?" Our paneI tonight consists of Mildred Hockstadder, MA, BA, DA and DUMB, Charmed, I'm sure, - Oh, brother, Miss Piggy, noted chanteuse and black belt holder, Mm-hm, Kissy, kissy, - Ugh! Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch, - Let's move it along, Frog, OK, And our speciaI guest panelist Miss Clara Cartwell, well-known traveI agent and author of the best-selling book, Europe on $5,000 a Day.
No, no, no, It's called Europe on $50 a Day.
The book itself, however, costs $5,000, Hm, Hm, Hm, And probably well worth it, too, - Oh, yes, Yes, Yes, Pictures and everything, I bet, - Oh, yes, The works, OK, but let's get back to our subject, which is "Does traveI broaden the mind?" Miss Cartwell, Well, as I write in my new book, Nowhere on Nothing a Day, traveling is the most broadening experience possible, Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at all, and she's broader than any of us, Watch it, needle-neck, or you won't be on the paneI, you'll be under it! OK, Ladies, please controI yourselves, - Excuse me, 'Scuse me, 'Scuse me, Carla, let me apologize for those weirdos, I myself am a world traveler, Is that right? Where have you been? Persia, I bought a rug there, Mm, - Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it, I like bald eagles, No, uh - Oh, dear, Not that kind of rug, Yes, OK, Well, I think we're getting away from the subject, which was "Does traveI broaden the mind?" Ah, Well, absolutely no doubt about it, For example, I had a friend who never went anywhere, lived in the same town for over 30 years, She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup, To laugh is to live! You mean it isn't an Italian soup? And he calls himself a world traveler? - No, no, wait, I have been to restaurants where I have ordered Marcello Mastroianni and gotten it, Really? What did you get? A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowI, I always send him back, What do you get when you order a Russian dressing? Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights? I faiI to see the humor in that, - Oh, I love it, Burst his balloon, honey, he's so pompous, Balloons! Speaking of balloons, either let some air out, or go on a diet, You're knocking me off the paneI, I'll knock you out of the theater in a second, You, you OK, ladies, Wait, Please, Please, We have a speciaI guest with us, I think you'd better put your best face forward, And whose face is Porker here going to borrow? That does it, Why Hiii! Hii! Wait! Well, I guess that does it for our paneI, I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell, - Oh, no, It's been very broadening, Do you really like me without my rug? - Yes, I do, Are you busy later? What? No, but I could, uh We could wing out somewhere, Join us next week, when our topic will be "Air pollution - a modern myth?" It's not where you start It's where you finish It's not how you go It's how you land A hundred-to-one shot They call him a klutz Can outrun the favorite All he needs is the guts Your finaI return Will not diminish And you can be the cream of the crop It's not where you start It's where you finish - # And I'm gonna finish on - Rowlf, Hey, Rowlf, listen, Kermit says you sang the song too quick, You're gonna have to sing it again, but you only have a minute, OK? Here we go, It's not where you start, it's where you finish It's not how you go, it's how you land A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz Can outrun the favorite, all he needs is the guts How am I doing? The finaI return will not diminish And you can be the cream of the crop It's not where you start, it's where you finish - # And I'm gonna finish on - Hey, Rowlf, Rowlf, listen, It's my uncle's favorite song, He says he'd like to hear it one more time, but you only have 20 seconds, All right, hit it! It's not where you start, it's where you finish - # It's not how you go, it's how you land - That's 1 5 seconds, A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz Can outrun the favorite all he needs is the guts Ten seconds, - # Your finaI return will not diminish - # And you can be the cream of the crop - Five seconds, Four, It's not where you start, it's where you finish And I'm gonna finish on time Nearly, Cheese, Got that? - Yeah, Um Kermit, do you think you could do something a little more candid? Uh Sure, Let's see, How's that? Hm? Well, it's not exactly candid, Kermit, if you know what I mean, Oh, OK, Yes, Candid for Candice, Frog in repose, What I was thinking was something a little more naturaI, More naturaI? Let's see, What have we got? Well Make sure you get my good side, though, - Which one? Which side is the good side? I think it's this side, It might be this side over here, Or maybe I dunno, What do you think? Well, I think that Head-on, Why don't we try one head-on? Just naturally, - Head-on? OK, You know Although my profile has been compared to Barrymore, Yeah, EtheI Barrymore, Sweetums, if you don't mind, Candice is trying to take my picture, Oh, yeah? Is that a good camera there? - Yeah, That's a terrific camera, This is an 85-21 0 macro zoom lens with the finest Swiss optics, This is a great camera, - Oh, Bleurgh! I don't know, I've tasted better, Kermit, he ate my camera, - You're lucky, Last week he ate the guest, Cute, It's a cute show, Der speecy spicy chili juice, Mm, Here are der speecy spicy, This here, the hotsie totsie, Mm, This here der pepper saucen, Mm, Ooh! More speecy spicy seesly chili juicely, With the hotsie totsie, Der pepper saucen, Mm! Look at that face Just look at it Look at that fabulous face of yours I knew first look I took at it This was a face that the world adores Look at those eyes As wise and as deep as the sea Look at that nose It shows what a nose should be As for your smile It's IyricaI, friendly and warm as a summer's day That face is just a miracle Where could I ever find words to say The way that it makes me happy Whatever the time or place? I'll find in no book What I find when I look at that face Hm, Interesting, Rather definitive, yes? Of course, Why not? Inspired, but by what? The way that it makes me happy Whatever the time or place I'll find in no book Yeah! Yeah! - # What I find when I look AnimaI, that does not look like her, I told you to paint her.
Oh, Thank you, What I find when I look at that face Uh Note for Kermit the Frog, Note for Kermit the Frog, Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? - Yes, Fozzie, I am Kermit the Frog, Note for you, G sharp, Will you guys cut that out? Ow! - Ha, Funny! Funny, I like it, Time now for "Veterinarian's Hospital, " the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
All right, Now, what's the next case? - He's right here, Dr, Bob, Of course, What's this man here for? - A stomachache, Dr, Bob, Stomachache, check, There, now, That should ache for some time, He's also here for a sore throat, - Easy, Wait! I've got a sore throat, I want it to go away, Oh, Well, why didn't you say so? Open up your mouth, Aha, Aha, Aha! I see the problem immediately, - What is it, Dr, Bob? This man has a frog in his throat, - Are you certain? Positive, Very funny, Just see if this dumb doctor sketch ever gets on the show again, And so Dr.
Bob has found a patient with a case of ingrown TV-show host.
Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr.
Bob say.
Oh, let's clean up around here, This operating room is a mess, That's nothing, You should see it in here, Watch this, Have I got a topper for my running gag tonight! Oh, it is too much, OK, watch, Flower for Kermit the Frog, Flower for Kermit the Frog, Flow Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? You know I am, Fozzie, Flour for you, - Hm? Haa, Haa, See? See that? That's a joke, Yeah, And that was the punch, No, Fozzie, This is the punch, Argh! And I am all alone There is no one here beside me And my problems have all gone There is no one to deride me I'm here, It's me, Because you have to have friends, you see, Gonzo, The feeling's oh so strong Yes, you've got to have friends To last that whole day long I had some friends but they're gone I said, something come and took 'em away And from the dusk to the dawn Well, here is where I'll stay Well, standing at the end of the road, guys Waiting for your new friends to come I don't care if I'm hungry or cold I gotta get me some 'Cause you gotta have friends The feeling's oh so strong Yes, you gotta have friends To make that day last long Yes, you gotta have friends La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Friends La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - # Friends - You have to have friends, you see, You have to have friends, It's very important in life to have them, Don't you think? It is, though, - # Friends - # Yes, you've got to have friends - # You gotta have friends Oh, boy, oh, boy, Kermit's letting me wrap up the show tonight, OK, Now, let's thank our speciaI guest star Miss Candice Bergen, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Thanks, Fozzie, I had a terrific time, It's just that I'm a little worried that maybe Kermit's upset with you, You know what I mean, - Oh, no, no, no, no, He loves running gags, Oh, yeah, - Pie for Fozzie the Bear, Pie for Fozzie the Bear, Are you Fozzie the Bear? No, Good, I got a pie for you anyway, Look what you did, We'll see you next week on The Muppet Show.
You did that to the lady, The guest, Are you all right? I think I ought to see a doctor, - Why do you say that? I'm beginning to like the show,
Bergen said I should stand up for my rights, Either I open the show or Ms.
Bergen and I walk, Well, OK, OK, you can open the show, Piggy, You get to open the show, Oh! What a surprise! Oh, thank you, my love, Mwah! Kissy, kissy, Uh Never let it be said that the frog is a pig, So, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Ms.
Piggy, and her rendition of "What Now My Love?" Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom What now, my love? Now that you left me? How can I live Through another day? Watching my dreams Turning to ashes And my hopes Into bits of clay - # Once I could see - # Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom - # Once I could feeI - # Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom Now I am numb I've become unreaI - # I walk the night - # Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom - # Without a goaI - # Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom Stripped of my heart - # My souI - # Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom - # What now, my love? - # Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom Now there is nothing - # Only my last - # Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom - # Goodbye - # Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bah Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-neh Oh, Oh, Oh, Thanks, Piggy, You never sounded better, OK, so I lie a little, - Uh Wire for Kermit the Frog, Wire for Kermit the Frog, Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? - Of course I am, Wire for you, Haaa! Cute, Cute bit, - Oh, Haaa! Oh! I love a good running gag, There's a great little "down home country style, sitting by the fire whittling and fiddling" song called "Put Another Log on the Fire," Here now is that song, and here too is tonight's very speciaI guest star Miss Candice Bergen, Put another log on the fire Cook me up some bacon and some beans And go out to the car and change the tire Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans Come on baby, you can fill my pipe And then go fetch my slippers And boiI me up another pot of tea Then put another log on the fire, babe Come on, tell me why you're leaving me Now, don't I let you wash the car on Sunday? Don't I warn you when you're getting fat? Ain't I gonna take you fishing with me someday? Well, a man can't love a woman more than that And ain't I always nice to your kid sister? Don't I take her driving every night? So sit here at my feet 'cause I like you when you're sweet And you know it ain't feminine to fight So put another log on the fire Cook me up some bacon and some beans And go out to the car and change the tire Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe And then go fetch my slippers And boiI me up another pot of tea So put another log on the fire, babe And come and tell me why you're leaving me Yeehah! Letter for Kermit the Frog, Letter for Kermit the Frog, Letter for Ker Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? You know I am, Fozzie, Letter for you, Haaa haa, A letter, Haa, Funny, Funny, Haaa, Someday I'm gonna get him, I don't know how, but I'm going to get him, It's not a bad joke, though, Oh, uh Letter for Scooter the gofer, Letter for Scooter the gofer, What's that? - Are you Scooter the gofer? Well, you know I am, chief, - There's a letter on the desk here for you, Sorry, I'll have to read it later, You see, I'm really busy getting stuff for Miss Bergen, See ya, - Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Funny! Hey, when I went to schooI, I was the teacher's pet, What's the matter? Couldn't she afford a dog? Oh! If the queen of England was free tomorrow night, would you take her to dinner? Sure bet, Course I would, Well, she can't make it, so how about me? You know, you dance like Rogers, - Oh, Ginger Rogers? No, Roy Rogers, Hey, Mildred, would you mind if I popped the question? Oh, of course not, George, Thanks, Oh, shut up, It's very nice to have you with us on the paneI, Clara, OK, uh It's time once again, friends, time once again to raise the intellectuaI leveI of our program, And our subject tonight is, "Does traveI broaden the mind?" Our paneI tonight consists of Mildred Hockstadder, MA, BA, DA and DUMB, Charmed, I'm sure, - Oh, brother, Miss Piggy, noted chanteuse and black belt holder, Mm-hm, Kissy, kissy, - Ugh! Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch, - Let's move it along, Frog, OK, And our speciaI guest panelist Miss Clara Cartwell, well-known traveI agent and author of the best-selling book, Europe on $5,000 a Day.
No, no, no, It's called Europe on $50 a Day.
The book itself, however, costs $5,000, Hm, Hm, Hm, And probably well worth it, too, - Oh, yes, Yes, Yes, Pictures and everything, I bet, - Oh, yes, The works, OK, but let's get back to our subject, which is "Does traveI broaden the mind?" Miss Cartwell, Well, as I write in my new book, Nowhere on Nothing a Day, traveling is the most broadening experience possible, Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at all, and she's broader than any of us, Watch it, needle-neck, or you won't be on the paneI, you'll be under it! OK, Ladies, please controI yourselves, - Excuse me, 'Scuse me, 'Scuse me, Carla, let me apologize for those weirdos, I myself am a world traveler, Is that right? Where have you been? Persia, I bought a rug there, Mm, - Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it, I like bald eagles, No, uh - Oh, dear, Not that kind of rug, Yes, OK, Well, I think we're getting away from the subject, which was "Does traveI broaden the mind?" Ah, Well, absolutely no doubt about it, For example, I had a friend who never went anywhere, lived in the same town for over 30 years, She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup, To laugh is to live! You mean it isn't an Italian soup? And he calls himself a world traveler? - No, no, wait, I have been to restaurants where I have ordered Marcello Mastroianni and gotten it, Really? What did you get? A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowI, I always send him back, What do you get when you order a Russian dressing? Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights? I faiI to see the humor in that, - Oh, I love it, Burst his balloon, honey, he's so pompous, Balloons! Speaking of balloons, either let some air out, or go on a diet, You're knocking me off the paneI, I'll knock you out of the theater in a second, You, you OK, ladies, Wait, Please, Please, We have a speciaI guest with us, I think you'd better put your best face forward, And whose face is Porker here going to borrow? That does it, Why Hiii! Hii! Wait! Well, I guess that does it for our paneI, I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell, - Oh, no, It's been very broadening, Do you really like me without my rug? - Yes, I do, Are you busy later? What? No, but I could, uh We could wing out somewhere, Join us next week, when our topic will be "Air pollution - a modern myth?" It's not where you start It's where you finish It's not how you go It's how you land A hundred-to-one shot They call him a klutz Can outrun the favorite All he needs is the guts Your finaI return Will not diminish And you can be the cream of the crop It's not where you start It's where you finish - # And I'm gonna finish on - Rowlf, Hey, Rowlf, listen, Kermit says you sang the song too quick, You're gonna have to sing it again, but you only have a minute, OK? Here we go, It's not where you start, it's where you finish It's not how you go, it's how you land A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz Can outrun the favorite, all he needs is the guts How am I doing? The finaI return will not diminish And you can be the cream of the crop It's not where you start, it's where you finish - # And I'm gonna finish on - Hey, Rowlf, Rowlf, listen, It's my uncle's favorite song, He says he'd like to hear it one more time, but you only have 20 seconds, All right, hit it! It's not where you start, it's where you finish - # It's not how you go, it's how you land - That's 1 5 seconds, A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz Can outrun the favorite all he needs is the guts Ten seconds, - # Your finaI return will not diminish - # And you can be the cream of the crop - Five seconds, Four, It's not where you start, it's where you finish And I'm gonna finish on time Nearly, Cheese, Got that? - Yeah, Um Kermit, do you think you could do something a little more candid? Uh Sure, Let's see, How's that? Hm? Well, it's not exactly candid, Kermit, if you know what I mean, Oh, OK, Yes, Candid for Candice, Frog in repose, What I was thinking was something a little more naturaI, More naturaI? Let's see, What have we got? Well Make sure you get my good side, though, - Which one? Which side is the good side? I think it's this side, It might be this side over here, Or maybe I dunno, What do you think? Well, I think that Head-on, Why don't we try one head-on? Just naturally, - Head-on? OK, You know Although my profile has been compared to Barrymore, Yeah, EtheI Barrymore, Sweetums, if you don't mind, Candice is trying to take my picture, Oh, yeah? Is that a good camera there? - Yeah, That's a terrific camera, This is an 85-21 0 macro zoom lens with the finest Swiss optics, This is a great camera, - Oh, Bleurgh! I don't know, I've tasted better, Kermit, he ate my camera, - You're lucky, Last week he ate the guest, Cute, It's a cute show, Der speecy spicy chili juice, Mm, Here are der speecy spicy, This here, the hotsie totsie, Mm, This here der pepper saucen, Mm, Ooh! More speecy spicy seesly chili juicely, With the hotsie totsie, Der pepper saucen, Mm! Look at that face Just look at it Look at that fabulous face of yours I knew first look I took at it This was a face that the world adores Look at those eyes As wise and as deep as the sea Look at that nose It shows what a nose should be As for your smile It's IyricaI, friendly and warm as a summer's day That face is just a miracle Where could I ever find words to say The way that it makes me happy Whatever the time or place? I'll find in no book What I find when I look at that face Hm, Interesting, Rather definitive, yes? Of course, Why not? Inspired, but by what? The way that it makes me happy Whatever the time or place I'll find in no book Yeah! Yeah! - # What I find when I look AnimaI, that does not look like her, I told you to paint her.
Oh, Thank you, What I find when I look at that face Uh Note for Kermit the Frog, Note for Kermit the Frog, Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? - Yes, Fozzie, I am Kermit the Frog, Note for you, G sharp, Will you guys cut that out? Ow! - Ha, Funny! Funny, I like it, Time now for "Veterinarian's Hospital, " the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
All right, Now, what's the next case? - He's right here, Dr, Bob, Of course, What's this man here for? - A stomachache, Dr, Bob, Stomachache, check, There, now, That should ache for some time, He's also here for a sore throat, - Easy, Wait! I've got a sore throat, I want it to go away, Oh, Well, why didn't you say so? Open up your mouth, Aha, Aha, Aha! I see the problem immediately, - What is it, Dr, Bob? This man has a frog in his throat, - Are you certain? Positive, Very funny, Just see if this dumb doctor sketch ever gets on the show again, And so Dr.
Bob has found a patient with a case of ingrown TV-show host.
Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr.
Bob say.
Oh, let's clean up around here, This operating room is a mess, That's nothing, You should see it in here, Watch this, Have I got a topper for my running gag tonight! Oh, it is too much, OK, watch, Flower for Kermit the Frog, Flower for Kermit the Frog, Flow Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? You know I am, Fozzie, Flour for you, - Hm? Haa, Haa, See? See that? That's a joke, Yeah, And that was the punch, No, Fozzie, This is the punch, Argh! And I am all alone There is no one here beside me And my problems have all gone There is no one to deride me I'm here, It's me, Because you have to have friends, you see, Gonzo, The feeling's oh so strong Yes, you've got to have friends To last that whole day long I had some friends but they're gone I said, something come and took 'em away And from the dusk to the dawn Well, here is where I'll stay Well, standing at the end of the road, guys Waiting for your new friends to come I don't care if I'm hungry or cold I gotta get me some 'Cause you gotta have friends The feeling's oh so strong Yes, you gotta have friends To make that day last long Yes, you gotta have friends La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Friends La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - # Friends - You have to have friends, you see, You have to have friends, It's very important in life to have them, Don't you think? It is, though, - # Friends - # Yes, you've got to have friends - # You gotta have friends Oh, boy, oh, boy, Kermit's letting me wrap up the show tonight, OK, Now, let's thank our speciaI guest star Miss Candice Bergen, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Thanks, Fozzie, I had a terrific time, It's just that I'm a little worried that maybe Kermit's upset with you, You know what I mean, - Oh, no, no, no, no, He loves running gags, Oh, yeah, - Pie for Fozzie the Bear, Pie for Fozzie the Bear, Are you Fozzie the Bear? No, Good, I got a pie for you anyway, Look what you did, We'll see you next week on The Muppet Show.
You did that to the lady, The guest, Are you all right? I think I ought to see a doctor, - Why do you say that? I'm beginning to like the show,