The Nanny s01e15 Episode Script

Oh, if they ring those little bells one more time, I'll wring their little necks.
Niles, they're poor sick children who need our care and compassion.
Enough with the bells already! We're not deaf! Until now.
Sorry.
Oh, three kids sick all at once.
I don't think I can last much longer.
Well, look on the bright side.
Eventually, they'll either go back to school or die.
School, thank God for school.
I need those seven hours of personal time.
I mean, how else can I continue to be the bright and vivacious nanny that you all know and love if I have to spend all day taking care of those kids! All right, darling, how do we feel? What took you so long? / Ice cream, juice I need the remote control.
Toast in the shape of a horsey.
What kind of a horse is this? A gelding.
Whenever I was feeling a bit wonky, mama used to bundle me up and seat me by the fire, not too close, and bring me tea and crumpets and little soldiers cut out of toast.
Niles, you know we love you.
Don't share.
Better you should remain an enigma.
Silly me, after sitting through endless stories about your multifarious relatives.
Hey, only my Uncle Harvey is multifarious.
When he sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow, you'd swear Judy was in the room.
Maxwell, I am terribly concerned about the children.
Oh, why, thank you, C.
C.
, but it's only the flu.
Yes, but if you catch it, who will I take to my sorority reunion? Is that this weekend? Let me see if I'm free.
Maxwell, you tease.
You wouldn't leave me hanging.
No, we'd cut you down in a week or two.
I just can't wait to show you off to all my old friends, with their handsome doctor husbands and their two-point-five perfect children they juggled while earning multiple Phd's.
Oh, C.
C.
, there's no need to be jealous.
You have a successful career andand Well, successful career.
Yes, how do you balance them both? Knock, knock.
/ Were you just with the children? Yeah.
Why? Mmm Lysol.
My mother's fragrance.
Can't be too careful.
Germs everywhere.
Nobody touch me.
We'll try to restrain ourselves.
So, Maxwell, what do you think I should wear to the reunion Friday night? Well, Miss Fine's clothes always make a statement.
Why don't you ask her? Why don't I just pop into K-Mart and pick something out of the Jaclyn Smith collection? Meanwhile, she's making millions of dollars and they said Kate Jackson was the smart one.
Where are you going? / My sorority reunion.
Oh, reunions are so much fun.
You get to see how old everyone got, who's had face work, who's not married Oh, you'll be the belle of the ball.
So, Miss Fine, are the children feeling any better? Oh, yes, except for Gracie.
I think I need to take her to the doctor.
Maybe we should call the doctor and have him come to the house.
This is New York.
You can't get a doctor to make a house call if your spleen was sitting next to you on the couch.
Miss Fine, are you feeling all right? / Oh, yeah.
It's just a little frog in my throat.
No biggie Oh, doctors' scales are always six and a half pounds over.
Fran, how come they make you wait so long? To give you a chance to stock up on your beauty supplies.
See, these are great for astringent.
Oh, these are excellent for doing your cuticles.
And these, well, if I don't take them, I'm sure I'll regret it later.
I'm scared.
/ Oh, sweetie, there's nothing to be scared about.
Mommy, I don't want a shot! I think I feel better.
Let's go.
Oh, honey, would you trust me? Believe me, this is an absolute cinch.
Just be glad that you don't have stirrups like at my doctor.
Your doctor has a pony? No, honey, these are for Oh, never mind.
You'll discover the joys of womanhood soon enough.
Hey, Gracie.
/ Hi.
Hi.
I'm Doctor Link.
I'm covering for Doctor Sherwin.
Don't worry.
I'm very gentle.
Fran says I don't want a gentle doctor.
That's gentile.
Okay, Gracie, I wanna hear you breathe.
You ever seen a stethoscope? Have you ever been sued for malpractice? Gracie! You haven't, have you? We settled out of court.
Okay, I'd like to look at your throat.
Where are my tongue depressors? Uh I may have one.
Oh, here, here we go.
Yeah, well, you never know when you're gonna run into Monty Hall.
Oh, look at all these diplomas.
Harvard, Yale, Columbia.
Couldn't settle in, huh? Actually, I'm certified in several specialties.
Oh, is there a Mrs.
Link? / We're divorced.
Oh, so she's like the missing link.
Gee, that's a new one.
/ Yeah, right.
Okay, Gracie, can I get you to open your mouth? / Uh-uh.
Oh, come on, honey, like this.
Ahhh Ahhh Okay.
Well, you just have the tail end of that nasty flu.
You're gonna be fine.
You, on the other hand, you have a nasty looking throat.
Oh, Doc, no, it's just a little tickle.
Honestly, I never get sick.
Healthy as a horse.
Come on, Grace, let's get out of here.
.
Say ahhh Uh-uh.
/ Like this Fran.
Ahhh Ahhh Hmm I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take those tonsils out.
Yeah? Well, unless, you're talking about dinner and dancing, they're not interested.
I don't have a good feeling about this place.
Oh, Miss Fine, this is one of the top medical institutions in the country.
Meanwhile, they've got no padded hangers, no hair conditioner, not even a little sewing kit.
But they do turn down your bed and leave a valium on your pillow.
Oh, all right.
Brighton, get me some hangers from the old lady.
But she's asleep.
/ So? She won't miss them.
Go, grab.
Fran, you know, you're only gonna be here overnight.
Listen, this is the closest I'll ever get to a large group of doctors.
I promised my mother I'd look my best.
You know, Fran, you're being really brave about this surgery.
I'd be afraid I was gonna die.
Aren't visiting hours over for children? No one dies from having their tonsils out.
Oh, well, that's what they told my Aunt Paula.
She went in for bursitis, but she developed a bed sore, that turned into phlebitis and caused a massive stroke.
If they ever settle her case, she'll be the richest vegetable in Bayside.
Oh, I love this vest.
Can I have it? You know, if you don't make it.
I'll leave it for you in my will.
If you haven't promised your Reba McIntyre c.
d's to anyone Can't you all wait until they hang the tag on my toe? Will you all stop being so morbid? / Yeah.
There's absolutely no risk involved.
/ Right.
Your life insurance is paid up, isn't it? I'm Nurse Smith.
Get in bed.
I'm not the patient.
/ I know.
Here, sign these.
/ What are they? Release forms.
Don't talk.
That's all it takes? I should have tried that ages ago.
Hey, what's this about complications? Oh, you know, in case they leave in a sponge or Oh, does that happen often? I already retain water two weeks out of the month.
You're going to be just fine.
Visiting hours are over.
Say goodbye.
You mean goodnight.
Whatever.
I'm off in fifteen minutes.
Well, goodnight, Miss Fine.
Now you get some rest and we'll be back to see you before the operation tomorrow.
Goodnight.
/ Goodnight, Fran.
Goodnight, Miss Fine.
/ Goodnight.
Remember, Fran, afterwards you can have all the ice cream you want.
Swell, if I live, I'll be hippy.
Here, Fran, I thought you might want someone to sleep with.
Oh, how sweet.
And look at his nice furry back.
You must come from my neighborhood.
Thank you, angel.
You gonna be okay? / Hey, what's my last name? Fine.
/ So I'll be fine.
And I'll take good care of Teddy, too.
Just try not to drool.
He hates that.
Hey, listen you, you think about getting frisky during the night, don't wake me.
I'm having an operation tomorrow, so I'm not allowed to eat anything.
But you go ahead.
Mmm Turkey.
I wonder if it's real or pressed.
Well, maybe I'll just taste.
Oh, you're not missing anything.
No.
You know, you're a great little listener.
When my mother had her hysterectomy, oh did she have a loud mouth roommate.
I swear, after one day she wanted to reach up and yank it out herself.
Oh look, Hard Copy.
The Menendez boys.
Oh, you know, I don't get it.
They don't have the brains to just leave home, but they can figure out how to put their pants on over their shackles.
See if I can get some volume going here Hey, this thing's not working What's with this? What happened in here? / Nothing! Nothing! I didn't do anything.
We were just talking.
Her over there, me over here, with all this space in between us, and then all of a sudden all hell broke loose.
Excuse me, sir, when you get a chance I could use a remote.
and finally, "Do you ever lead a man on with no intention of following through?" Oh, never.
Well, occasionally.
All right, always, always.
Oh, never.
Who's gonna know? Come in.
Oh good, she's fine.
/ Sure.
They haven't cut her open yet.
Yeah.
That's when things can go really wrong.
One slip of that scalpel and Oh, I'll tell you later.
All right, you've seen her.
She's fine.
Let's go.
Oh, Miss Babcock, you look gorgeous.
Much too young to be going to a reunion.
Of redwoods maybe.
Dear Niles, always so witty.
Especially for a servant.
At least when I offer something people take it.
C.
C.
, aren't you gonna wish Fran good luck? All right.
Nanny Fine, I know you're scared now, but just remember when you wake up from surgery, you'll find that the excruciating agony of an adult tonsillectomy is far worse than anything you can imagine.
Good luck.
I'm out of here.
/ No, now, Miss Fine.
Would, would it, would it make you feel better if we stayed through the surgery? Oh, no.
She's a big girl.
She doesn't need us to stay.
Sure she does.
/ Hmm Well where are those parents you're always babbling about? They happened to be on their annual pilgrimage to the Holy Land.
Jerusalem? / Miami.
Maxwell, who's more important, me or the nanny? C.
C.
, for heaven's sake, she's going into surgery.
You go on, I'll catch up later.
/ I can't show up without an escort! Why don't you just inflate one like you usually do? And these are my beautiful twins playing with me at work.
Thank God NASA has day care.
/ So does the U.
N.
Yo know my little brutus can say 'jungle gym' in twelve languages.
C.
C.
, does your employer provide day care? Well, actually, I don't have any children yet.
Oh But you are married? Well, not yet.
Oh Okay now just relax and count backwards from one hundred.
One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall Quick, I've got the release forms, you take the pen.
/ ninety-seven bottles of beer You sure this is legal? / Oh, we always get them this way.
Oh, now I've lost the children! Shh! Don't tell Mister Sheffield.
It's all right, Miss Fine.
The children are having dinner in the cafeteria.
Oh, I hope they don't order turkey.
It's pressed.
She's, uh, dead to the world.
Oh, I'm dead? Oh, that's so sad.
I want Maggie to have all my clothes.
And I want Gracie to have all of my Barbi dolls.
About your Reba McIntyre c.
d.
's.
/ Niles! Man, hold on.
/ Sorry, sir.
Beep-beep.
Shifter Medfield.
Oh, I believe that's you, sir.
Shister Medfield, I want you to have me All set? Where's my pen? / Here she blows.
I'm surprised she hasn't taken her own tonsils out.
All right, come on, young lady.
We'll have you eating ice cream before you know it.
Oh, uh, uh, Doctor, perhaps while you're in there, if it's not too much trouble, you could have a look at her adenoids.
Why? Do they bother her? / Well, not so much her.
We have a theory that perhaps something's loose in there.
Yes.
Anything that jiggles, tighten it up.
Well, off you go.
Mister Medfield Yeah, everything's gonna be just fine.
Don't you worry.
I'll be here when you wake up.
Shister Medfield, I love you.
C.
C.
, darling, please join us.
Your Maxwell has obviously been detained by something more important.
Oh, he'll be here any minute.
He adores me.
Absolutely worships the ground I walk on.
So I guess this evening he'll be worshipping from afar? You know, I think it's so nice that you two are still friends.
I thought you'd never forgive her after that weekend in Barbados with Bill.
My Bill? I thought you knew.
Oops.
You know, if you squeeze this I.
V.
, blood comes out of the old lady and into the bag.
Brighton! Just a theory.
She came through just fine.
She'll be up in a couple of minutes.
Oh, splendid All right Fine Good Oh by the way, her adenoids are quite remarkable.
I'd remove them, but I'm afraid her head might cave in.
All right, children, off you go, down to the gift shop and get some flowers.
And I think she wants some candy.
And a Playboy.
It was worth a shot.
Niles? / Sir? I didn't want to say anything in front of the children, but I am worried about Miss Fine.
But the doctor said she was all right.
Well, not that.
Oh, good god, man, you heard her.
She's in love with me.
Oh, sir, she was a bit woozy.
I wouldn't take it too seriously.
But I must.
Poor little thing, pining away all this time, and I never even noticed.
Well, I should have seen the signs, I suppose, but I, I always thought of her as just the nanny.
Well, a wonderful nanny to be sure.
Loving and wise in her way.
Funny, sweet.
But just the nanny? / Well, exactly.
Oh, this is all so awkward.
Not that I can blame her really.
I suppose she was just dazzled.
You are quite a catch, sir.
Oh, the last thing in the world I want is to hurt her.
I, I, I just hope I can let her down gently.
I love you I love you, too.
She was the most popular girl in Recovery.
Hey, skinny, I love you, too.
I don't want to hear it.
/ Not a word, sir.
Excuse me.
C.
C.
, I am so sorry I'm late.
The surgery took a lot longer than I was expecting.
But I'm here now, and ready to dazzle them.
Everyone, I want you to meet the light of me life, Maxwell Sheffield.
Would you care for some tea? Ice cream? Coming right up Now what's the problem? I need a pot of tea, properly strained.
And Miss Fine requires more ice cream.
With sprinkles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who's idea was it to give them those bells anyway.
So, Nanny Fine, cat got your tongue.
Oh, this is a dream come true.
I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.
I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.
Oh, Nanny Fine, let's have a little chat.
Oh, I forgot, you can't talk, can you? Well, I guess for once you'll just have to listen.
Oh, shall I help you unpack? Oh, that's okay.
You can just hold it.
Here.
Good to soak your feet Very fashionable What are you going to do with that? I thought I'd make it into a nice lamp.