The Neighborhood (2018) s01e15 Episode Script

1 Hey, Calvin.
Any news about Malcolm's job interview? Eh, not yet.
Haven't heard anything.
Oh, my God, it is killing me.
I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
I know.
I got your texts at 2:00, 3:00 and 4:00 a.
m.
Look, I'm trying not to worry about it too much.
Oh, yeah, totally, duh.
What was I thinking? [SIGHS.]
But it has got to be killing you.
I mean, it is an epic story to be the father of a son who almost made it to the majors, only to suffer a career-ending injury and then be rudderless for years.
But now he's back.
He's ready to carve out a path, but who knows doing what? You know, I never actually thought I'd hear myself say this, but Dave, can we just talk about you? Oh, y-yeah, totally.
Of-of course.
What about me? Well I'm just so nervous about Malcolm! Look.
This is his first interview in a while.
We're not even sure if he's gonna get it.
So, when he gets here, let's just play it cool.
- Yeah.
- All right? - Hey, guys.
- Did you get it? Did you get it? Come on, now.
Spit it out, boy.
Pop.
I got the job.
- Yeah! All right.
- Yes! - Okay.
- Come on Here we go.
- Dave, excuse me.
- Oh.
Gosh.
I'm-I'm sorry.
- All right.
- All right.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Hey, everybody.
Listen to Malcolm.
- Well, turns out - He got the job! Oh, my God! He got the job! Oh, baby! I am so proud of you.
I knew you could do it.
Aw, thanks, Ma, I appreciate it.
Yeah, man, congrats.
Now you can pay me back that 50 bucks you owe me.
Man But seriously, congrats.
But seriously, 50 bucks.
Get out of here, man.
- This is big, Malcolm.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, you're putting yourself back out there and years from now, you're gonna look back on this day - as a turning point in your life.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, I don't know, Pop, y'all are making too big a deal out of this, man.
I am selling TVs at Powerhouse Electronics.
I'm not pitching in the World Series.
Look, son.
I know this is not your dream job.
But it doesn't mean that this can't be a stepping stone to something real.
I mean, with your smarts, and your work ethic, in a couple years, you could be working yourself up the corporate ladder.
I don't know, Pop.
I've never worked in sales before.
Well, you're in luck.
I mean, I've had my auto shop for 30 years.
I could teach you all about the ABC's of sales.
Always Be Calvin.
You mean, be grouchy and always forget to put the toilet seat down? N-No, babe.
Be confident.
- Be charming.
- Mm-hmm.
And always make it about the customer's needs.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
This customer really needs you to put the toilet seat down.
- [SOFTLY.]
: Okay, babe.
- Okay.
Look, I'm-a show you how it's done, all right? - Marty.
- All right.
- Huh? - Pretend to be a customer.
MARTY: Oh, sure.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you work here? Why yes, I do.
How can I help you? Oh, well, you may want to know that I was just in the bathroom and somebody left the toilet seat up.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, perhaps you have a question about televisions.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Does this model have VGA and HDMI inputs? And can it handle both NTSC and PAL frame rates? 'Cause I don't want to be region-locked on a 4K when 8Ks are right around the corner.
You know what I'm saying, big dog? I'll handle this, bro.
Why don't you go check on them toilets.
I love that we're afternoon friends now.
Yeah, yeah, I know, but when you said that we would be day drinking, this is not exactly what I had in mind.
Ooh, Gemma, this Earl Grey tastes like Chardonnay.
The tea cup makes me feel less guilty.
[LAUGHS.]
So I see you guys got a piano.
Who plays? Grover started taking lessons, but he's not really that into it.
He doesn't like his teacher.
See, there's your problem right there.
When teaching piano, you have to have fun.
[PIANO FLOURISH, PLAYS LIVELY TUNE.]
[GASPS.]
I didn't know you played.
Yeah, I started when I was about Grover's age.
My mom was the church organist.
I used to sit next to her while she'd teach me how to play gospel songs, but she would add curse words in it to make it fun.
[LAUGHS.]
Like "hell-elujah"? Gemma, that's blasphemous.
Well, I hope Grover can be as good as you someday.
Do you know any fun piano teachers? Well, I know the most fun one of all [PLAYS PIANO.]
me.
Oh, my God, that would be so great.
But, are you sure it's not an imposition? No, not at all.
I'll put up with a lot for 50 bucks an hour.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, man, look at the size of these TVs.
I know.
My first TV, the screen was this big.
- My first TV was black and white.
- Huh.
Kind of like you and me.
Yeah, except I can't turn you off.
[LAUGHS.]
What are you guys doing here? Well, your dad just wanted to see you in action.
Yeah, and I was halfway down the driveway when Dave jumped in the back of my truck.
Well, I appreciate you guys coming out to support me, but, uh, I'm on the clock.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, look how professional he is.
Yeah, got his shirt all tucked in and his khakis.
Hi there.
Are you gentlemen being taken care of? Are you kidding? This is the most impressive salesman I've ever met.
I mean, tell me the truth, how many times has he been employee of the month? Uh, well, actually, this is his first day.
- [GASPS.]
What? - What? Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
Well, you know, you have one heck of a salesman here in, uh - Malcolm.
- Yeah.
Let me guess, these are your dads? Yup.
They sure are.
Oh, no, we are not.
I'm his dad.
And I'm his neighbor, but we're best friends.
Okay, well, if you don't mind, there's a lady over there who's actually interested - in buying something.
- Oh, please.
[LAUGHS.]
Can you believe that guy actually thought we were a couple? Please, you could do worse.
Okay, Grover, I guarantee you this piano lesson is gonna be a lot more fun.
How do you know? Because I've already had my tea.
Now, the first step is to visualize your audience.
I like to imagine that I'm walking on stage at the Apollo Theater.
Oh, oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hello.
[LAUGHS.]
- Who are you waving at? - Quincy Jones.
- Who's that? - Just a guy I used to date.
Okay, now-now, come on, show me how you're gonna walk onto the stage.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, come on, Grove, that's all you got? Listen, these imaginary people paid a lot of money to come see you.
Now strut your stuff, man.
Come on.
Uh-huh, okay.
That's good.
Okay.
Get it.
Oh, okay.
All right, all right.
Little rock star, you haven't dropped the album as of yet.
Now, most teachers teach you how to play music.
I'm gonna teach you how to feel music.
Tell me how this makes you feel.
[PLAYS SPOOKY RIFF.]
- Scared.
- Mm.
Like getting your credit ran at a furniture store.
Now how about this? [PLAYS UPBEAT RIFF.]
- Happy? - Oh! Like getting your credit approved, now you can get that waterbed! [LAUGHS.]
Can I just go back to waving at my fans now? Yeah, but they're not gonna cheer you on unless you play something, baby.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
Good thing our piano has this demo button.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Okay, mama's gonna need some more tea.
I'll be back.
Hey, Trevor, you wanted to see me? Yeah, come on in.
I was looking over the receipts, and you sold four TVs today? Is that a good thing? Yeah, yeah, four TVs is great.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank God.
Man, I thought I was in trouble.
Oh, you are.
Does it have something to do with one of my two dads? Malcolm, it's great that you sold four TVs, but we make our real money on peripherals.
You know, cables, warranties, home installations.
Yeah, I offered that to all of my customers, but nobody was interested.
Then you have to convince people that they need them.
Like that little old lady you sold to earlier.
If you had told her she needed a warranty, she would've bought it.
She was 80 years old, man.
She didn't need a 15-year warranty.
Then why didn't you sign her up for our in-store credit card? With 18% interest? Exactly.
See, that's how we really get them.
Now go back out there and make me proud.
Oh, and push the 65-inch Hamagakis.
They're about to be recalled for exploding.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Trevor, I don't think I'm comfortable selling people stuff they don't need, man, or that should come with a fire extinguisher.
Okay, got it.
Totally understand.
- Cool.
- You're fired.
What? Look, man, clearly you're a good guy.
If I knew that, I wouldn't have hired you.
Hold on, let's not be too hasty, all right.
I am not such a good guy.
I can do much worse.
Mm, nah, man, not buying it.
I feel like you're lying to me, which is good, but too late.
All right, fine.
But I hope one of them Hamagakis blows up in your face.
No, you don't.
Damn, you're right.
I don't.
[SIGHS.]
Congratulations! Congratulations! - [HORNS BLOWING.]
- You did it! Sorry about that.
Probably should've thrown that from farther away.
Uh, wow, guys.
You shouldn't have.
[CHUCKLES.]
You really shouldn't have.
Yeah, man.
I agree.
It's just your first day.
And some of us have been employed for years, you know, as a rocket scientist.
Have you ever sold anybody a rocket? Daddy, that's not how it works, man.
We're just so happy for you.
Yeah.
Way to go, Malcolm.
- Oh.
- Aw.
Hey, thanks, little man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Son, you know I've been hard on you these last couple years, but seeing you at work today, I'm proud of you, son.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, how was your first day? It was, um unbelievable.
Yeah, it was! All right! Come on, son.
Everybody wants to hear about your day.
Um, you know, Pop, I, um I sold some stuff, people bought some stuff, and then I talked to my boss about my future at the company.
See, that's what I'm talking about right there.
- See? - [MARTY LAUGHS.]
Does anybody want to hear about my day? Today, my satellite discovered a new supernova.
Okay, not now, Marty.
Listen, um so, did you use any of my techniques? Uh, every single one of 'em, Pop.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's my boy right there.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just sayin', I am also your boy.
So, did you use any of my techniques today? Well, I repositioned a telemetry transponder from 60 million miles away.
So all I'm hearing is "no.
" So, Grover said his piano lesson went great.
Ah.
Yeah, he danced for five minutes, gave me his autograph, and then quit.
What? He quit? Yeah.
He dropped the mic, threw two fingers to the sky, and said, "Peace out, Pasadena! Grover has left the building!" No, he can't quit.
I stopped taking lessons when I was his age, and I've regretted it ever since.
Oh, wow.
I didn't know you wanted to play.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I have this fantasy where I'm at a boring party, but there's a piano across the room.
The crowd parts.
I float over to it and start tickling those ivories.
Next thing you know, there's a crowd gathered around me making requests.
And for some reason, Brad Pitt is sitting next to me with his shirt off.
So, you're making Grover take lessons because you regret giving it up.
Well, yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Isn't living vicariously through our kids half the reason why we have them in the first place? Why don't you stop forcing Grover to do something he doesn't want to do and let me give you lessons instead? Oh, I don't know.
It seems like it's too late to start now.
You're right.
You're getting old.
You might break a hip.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, fine.
I'll give it a shot.
Okay.
Oh.
And for the record, which Brad Pitt are we talking about? Fight ClubBrad.
Ooh! That's a good Brad.
Malcolm? Oh, hey, Dave.
What's up? Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you had work today Oh, no.
Look, Dave, I can explain, man.
I just realized that if I had been wearing a suit, too, we would look just like Men in Black.
Yep, that is a missed opportunity, Dave.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wait, are these job applications? Yeah.
Look, the truth is, - I got fired yesterday, man.
- What? Why? Because they wanted me to do some sleazy stuff that I wasn't comfortable with.
Whoa.
You mean, like, sex stuff? No, man.
No, I mean, like, ripping off old ladies.
Oh whoa.
Well, that's bad, too.
[SIGHS.]
What'd your dad say? I haven't told him yet.
I mean, you saw him yesterday.
He hasn't looked at me like that since I was playing ball, man.
He was in a pretty great mood.
You know, after we left your store, all he wanted to do was hang out together.
[CHUCKLES.]
We even split a giant pretzel.
Wait, he split one with you? Not evenly.
Yeah, well, I can't believe I finally landed a job and get fired on my first day.
That's humiliating.
Well, you know what? Maybe it's a good thing.
You don't want to be stuck in a job that goes against your morals.
Yeah, but I got to do something.
You will.
You're a smart, hardworking good guy.
A-And I'm not just saying that because I'm one of your two dads.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
You going somewhere? You know, I thought I'd surprise Malcolm at work and take him out to lunch.
Uh d-don't do that.
Why not? 'Cause I was thinking, we had such a nice time yesterday, maybe maybe we should go try a pretzel someplace else.
You know, maybe do a little Pasadena pretzel crawl.
That's a hard pass, Dave.
Hey, but, uh, bring me home one.
All right, well, you got it.
All right, well, you have a good time.
Bye, now.
We'll see you later.
Uh yeah, hey, M-Malcolm.
Yeah, it's Dave.
Your dad is on his way to the store.
No, no, I didn't tell him anything.
I tried to stop him, but apparently, I made more of our pretzel experience than he did, which totally backfired, 'cause now I got to go get him one.
Hey, Pop.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, there you are, man.
I've been looking all over for you.
Yeah, yeah, I was, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was back there in a meeting.
Mm, must be very important.
- I see you got your suit on.
- [CHUCKLES.]
: Yeah.
Uh are they talking about making you manager already? Oh, well, they definitely said I wouldn't be in this position long.
All right.
Well, I just came by to take you out to lunch.
Oh, great, man, I'm starving.
Let's go right now.
Oh, hold on.
Don't you have to check with your boss first? No, no.
After our talk yesterday, I pretty much make up my own hours.
Well, all right.
That's good right there.
But you know what? Before we go, I've been thinking about taking a look at some of these flat-screens right here, take advantage of that employee discount.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, hey, Pop.
Pop, you don't need a new TV, man.
You know what you need? Uh this.
- A baby monitor? - Yup.
Yeah.
I-It doesn't just monitor babies.
You can listen to what mom says about you when you're not around.
Huh? It would be nice to hear all those compliments.
[LAUGHS.]
All right.
That is great.
I will ring it up for you and bring it home after my shift.
Let's go.
Malcolm.
What are you doing here? Uh, nothing.
Uh, uh, just going out to lunch with my dad.
H-Hold on.
What, what does he mean by, "What are you doing here?" I mean he doesn't work here anymore.
What? I got fired yesterday, Pop.
Fired? How is that even possible? I mean, how bad do you have to be at something to get fired on your first damn day? TREVOR: Pretty bad, actually.
He refused to do the job.
Damn it, Malcolm.
I mean, how can you refuse to do anything? What I refused to do was rip people off, Pop, and sell exploding TVs to old ladies.
Hey, you could've sold those TVs to anyone.
Oh, h-hold on, now.
You wanted him to sell exploding TVs? Yes, but with an extended warranty.
I'm not a monster.
All right, look, Pop, man, I want you to be proud of me, but not if that means I can't be proud of myself.
Look, man, don't overthink it.
Some people just aren't cut out for success.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hold on, now.
My son is gonna be a success.
Because he has integrity and heart and principles, and that's why I know my son is gonna rise to the top.
He's not gonna be some bottom-feeder like you.
All right, whatever.
I just came out of my office to chat up that hot pregnant lady I saw on the security camera.
Bye.
Dude's a jackass.
Yeah, look, Pop, I was gonna tell you the truth, man, but I just wanted to find another job first.
Look, man, I know I put a lot of pressure on you, but you never have to lie to me about doing the right thing.
Cool.
Thanks, Pop.
All right.
So how about we get that lunch? Sounds good to me.
Where we going? First restaurant we see with a "help wanted" sign.
[LAUGHS.]
[PLAYING OFF-KEY.]
How's it going, Mom? Uh, okay, but it's harder than I thought.
Maybe you should have some tea.
Miss Tina says it makes everything better.
[CHUCKLES.]
What else did Miss Tina teach you? Well, she taught me to always start by waving to your audience.
Hey, Quincy.
Now, let's start with a simple scale.
Okay.
[PIANO PLAYING.]
Grover, that's really good.
I thought you didn't like playing piano.
I didn't.
But I think maybe I like playing with you.
Well, we could take lessons from Miss Tina together.
That sounds fun.
But first, let's give some love to our fans.
Yeah.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Who are you waving at? Oh, just this guy named Brad.