The New Normal s01e15 Episode Script

1 You guys, Sophie is absolutely adorable.
Oh, this is how I know I'm ready to be a father.
She is drooling all over my 12-ply cashmere sweater, and I don't even care.
(Baby crying) Oh, no, no, no.
Did I do something wrong? Is she upset that we have to sit in the dirt and eat out of boxes with plastic utensils? No, no, she's just hungry.
Oh, that's right, those are my feelings.
Oh.
There you go.
(Baby crying) (Crying stops) Look at that.
Mother and child connecting.
I wish there was some way for our son to breast-feed.
Statistically, kids who breast-feed have fewer ear and respiratory infections.
The antibodies fight bacteria, viruses.
It's fun being with a doctor, isn't it? Yeah, it's like living with a magazine I never wanted to read.
Of course, for some mothers, breast-feeding can become an addiction unto itself.
My mom breast-fed me until I was four.
I'm hungry.
Let's see.
I have fishy crackers.
I want booby.
What do you have there, Davey? Chocolate syrup.
I'm gonna put it on them to make chocolate milk.
Up you come.
Come on.
Oh, honey, no.
Painful/yucky childhood memories are meant to be repressed.
Why don't you ask your surrogate? You know, see if she'll pump for you.
What was that? Lots of people have problems with this, actually.
Last week, I was breast-feeding Sophie while we were having lunch at LA fica, and the manager came up to me and said, "would you mind doing that somewhere private?" You should get your breast-feeding friends and go back there.
You should protest that restaurant.
But you should do something that, you know, would really get people talking, like a like a flash mob.
Yeah, yeah, I'll help you.
I'm great at that stuff.
And besides, I would do anything for little Sophie.
It's beautiful.
Until she decides to bite down on my nipple.
My mom used to hate that.
Of course, you take away my hot wheels, you pay the price.
Yay, Bryan! These maternity clothes are so cool! But you shouldn't have bought them for me.
He didn't.
I took them from the sing! Wardrobe department.
We did that whole fake pregnancy storyline first season.
Remember? Oh, we didn't get cable in Ohio.
Oh, honey, it's a network show.
Please don't make me keep lying.
Goldie, uh, we, uh, we actually wanted to ask you something.
Sure.
Um, as men, we can do many things.
But what we can't do is produce breast milk.
So we were wondering if you would consider pumping milk for our baby? Oh, my gosh, of course.
I mean, at least for the first couple of months.
That's so great.
Thank you.
Thank you, Goldie.
It's awesome my mom's gonna do that for you guys.
I don't know any reason why women today wouldn't want to breast-feed.
Well, I'll give you two.
One, two.
Can you imagine what these sweeties would look like if I had a little one sucking on them all day long like they were root beer big gulps? Ah, big news, Bryan! Scott Baio says yes! He'll paint your house! Did you hear that, Harvey Milkbone? Chachi's gonna paint our house! And many women don't have the time to breast-feed, because they got to get back to work.
That's why I won't be making my own milk.
'Cause I'll be too busy making those dead presidents.
Well, I didn't breast-feed with Shania because I had to work and finish up high school.
It was a lot.
Wait a minute.
You didn't breast-feed me? But you turned out great.
But the benefits.
I could've been so much more.
(Crowd cheering) Thank you.
I accept this nobel peace prize with honor.
Please, sit down.
I need to thank my mom.
If it weren't for her breast milk, I don't know where I'd be.
Probably not curing cancer, designing a car engine that runs on spittle or balancing my country's budget, that's for sure.
I'm sorry, Shania.
But at least now we can make sure Bryan and David's baby gets all the milk he needs.
That's perfect.
That's just perfect.
Jane: Rocky, I need to talk to you about Brice.
Are you busy? No, just giving the sing! Writers notes on a script.
So, Jane, how's it going with you and that fine tub of creamy Greek yogurt? Does he have that honey at the bottom? He hasn't asked me out, and I've used all my best moves on him.
Just got your text.
What's the emergency? "Help me! Help me!" My computer won't let me get on the Internet.
Could you take a look at it for me, please? Let me see what I dropped something.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
Here's your problem.
Somebody completely unplugged you from the Internet.
Oh.
There you go.
Should be as good as new.
Awesome bra, by the way.
Women don't do that anymore, Jane.
We see something we want, we go after it.
Walk up to him and say, "you want to go out with me? Yes or no?" You better be right.
Night.
Brice? I would like to go out.
On a date.
With you.
Yes or no? Sure.
Rocky: Now that's what I'm talking about, girl! (Laughs) Look, honey.
It's a unicorn playing the piano.
That's insane.
It would sound terrible.
Their hooves couldn't properly finger the keys.
What's gotten into you? Not breast milk, that's for sure.
Are you still upset about that? Yes.
I texted everybody at school to ask if they were breast-fed, and the answer was unanimously yes.
Except for brain dead Brandon, the stupidest kid in the whole school.
Brandon, how old is the universe? Sixteen.
Brandon, who invented the telephone? Orville Redenbacher.
Brandon, what happened to you? Shh.
I'm peeing.
Shania, I'm sorry I didn't breast-feed you.
But there's nothing I can do about it now.
Actually, there is.
I found a story about a kid in Great Britain who's eight and still nursing.
Look! What? Oh, no! And he has braces? That poor woman.
She clearly knows the benefits of breast milk, which is why I want in on yours.
You are nine years old.
I don't need to suck it out of you.
I just want you to squirt it on my cereal and in my hot chocolate.
Nothing weird.
It's not gonna happen.
And that is a completely inappropriate conversation.
The next time you bring it up, you're grounded.
Fine.
But as soon as I get enough money for a plane ticket and a passport, I'm running away to Great Britain.
Ta-ta.
Ta? (Gasps) Mm-hmm! My ex Darnell would have loved this.
You know what? I'm gonna buy it, take a picture of myself in it, and send it to him in a text at 2:00 A.
M.
that reads, "you up?" (Laughs) No matter what kind of pump you could possibly want, they'll have it here at suck it.
Hello.
Hello.
This is my lactation consultant, Violet.
Welcome.
And this is Bryan, the guy who came up with the whole idea for our flash mob protest.
You're like a hero to the moms around here.
They're calling you a "lactivist.
" Well, that's very clever for moms.
Can we get to the other reason we're here? We need to pick out a breast pump.
Well, are you and your wife looking to buy? 'Cause we have rentals, too.
Oh.
Perhaps you have mistaken me for my good friend and tennis partner, Wanda Sykes.
This woman and I are not together.
Sorry.
She is carrying a child for my partner David and I, and she has agreed to pump milk for our son.
That is beautiful that you are willing to give of your time and life-force.
Isn't it? Oh, Goldie, you can't imagine the peace that you're going to feel knowing that your body is providing sustenance for another being.
It's not fair.
I want my son and I to experience that closeness.
Oh.
You're that guy.
I know exactly what you're looking for, Bryan.
Follow me.
Violet.
It's called the milkman.
We've never sold one, because it's incredibly weird.
Oh, my God, it's absolutely perfect.
Please tell me it comes in a tartan plaid.
David Check it out.
Look what I got at the breast pump store.
It's called the milkman.
Was "the humiliator" already trademarked? Don't judge it until you try it.
(Chuckles): Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not putting that thing on.
David, this is really important to me.
Okay.
So, here's our baby.
Hold him to your nipple and let him suckle.
And don't worry, 'cause our real baby won't have a loose eye.
Please don't make me do this.
Come on, make sure he has a good latch.
(Sighs) Let's come here, little guy.
Just really get in there.
Shove it in there.
Feel close? All right.
You feel the closeness, don't you? (Chuckles): Yeah.
Oh, look how sweet.
All right, baby's full.
I'm sorry, Bry, I just don't have the same bizarre need to feel like a lady, or whatever this is.
I don't want to be a woman, David.
Breast-feeding is about bonding.
Don't you want to create a deeper, more meaningful connection to our son? Yes, but I just don't need plastic breasts to do that.
Bry, where are you going? I have a protest to produce.
Where I can go hang out with mature people who understand the importance of breast-feeding.
Bry.
Don't forget your Dolly.
(Pop music playing) Brice: Yeah! You like the music? Since you're a traditional type, I thought I'd stick to the classics.
Missy Elliot.
(Music stops) You know that, uh, she actually sleeps in a hollowed- out Ferrari? For real.
(Chuckles) Don't be afraid.
Got big, bad, perfectly-exfoliated Brice to protect you.
No, no, I'm fine.
(Car alarm chirps) I just thought that all these neighborhoods got burned down in the riots.
So, uh, where's the, um, restaurant? Is it somewhere between these random shopping carts and the unsupervised toddlers with hoop earrings? Actually, it's not a restaurant.
It's a food truck.
Food truck, yeah.
Aziz Ansari, uh, talked about it on his Twitter.
It's the best food truck in L.
A.
Although, there is this place in echo park this woman has, it's called topless tapas; But the food, not so good.
Oh, I know these guys.
Hey, now! Here.
(Speaks Korean) Wait, you actually speak that gobbledy-gook? Wait, I have one.
(Korean accent): "15 dolla, make you holla.
" (Laughs) That's not funny.
Oh, come on, it's a joke.
It's not funny.
Listen, Jane, if you can't get through the night without, you know, saying stuff like that, I'm happy to take you home.
Sorry.
All right.
There you go.
Thank you.
Try one? Ready? Good, huh? See? How do you say "thank you"? (Man speaks Korean) (Repeats Korean phrase) (Repeats Korean phrase) (Repeats Korean phrase) (Chuckles) Say it again.
(Repeats Korean phrase) I got something in my eye now.
(Both laugh) I thought we were out of milk.
We are.
This isn't cow milk, it's breast milk.
Shania! Where did you get that?! Online, with the amex gift card Nana gave me for my birthday.
She told me I could buy whatever I want under $75.
There's a web site for breast milk? "The safe, clean, legal-in-most-states place "for overproducing mothers "who want to supplement their income "and fetishists.
Endorsed by Marie Osmond.
" But you don't even know whose breasts that came from.
Don't worry.
I ran a thorough background check.
She's a college Professor named Katherine who doesn't smoke, drink or read Stephenie meyer.
Give me that.
Shania Clemmons! You are not drinking a stranger's breast milk you bought on the Internet.
But this could be my only way into an Ivy league college.
Do you know how stupid that sounds? No, I don't.
Because I wasn't breast-fed, so my feeble brain is underdeveloped.
Do not drink that breast milk.
I am not kidding, Shania.
Don't make me count to three.
One.
Two.
Young lady, if you put one drop of that nice woman's milk into your mouth, you will be sorry.
Big-time sorry.
Jane: I'm telling you, rocky, the date went great.
No, he totally took control.
I let myself get bossed around, and I loved it.
Oh, well, then.
I guess you should ask him out for another date.
He just might turn you out, girl.
Turn me out what? Oh, you'll know when it happens.
I got to go.
Here he comes.
Hey, now.
Oh, hey.
Um uh, uh, what are you doing tonight? Maybe I can take you for a meal at a real restaurant, where we don't have to eat our dinner standing over a garbage can.
Well, I'd love to, but I have plans tonight.
Well, what about a rain check? Yeah, purple rain check.
"Purple rain" that's a prince song.
It's my favorite You know what? We'll have a listening party.
Warning.
Things could get sexy.
(Purrs) (Phone ringing) Niles & Windsor realtors.
Yes, this is Jane Forrest speaking.
Yes, that house on lindo still is available.
It has five bedrooms, three and a half baths, and-and And a pool that I wish you would drown in.
Are you kidding me? Why, thank you.
You're very welcome.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
If you're going to do that, I'm going to have to ask you to step into the ladies' lounge.
No, thank you.
I'd prefer not to.
It's just that what you're doing may make some of our patrons, uh, uncomfortable, so if you wouldn't mind Actually, I would mind.
My breasts won't be silenced.
And my breasts are not alone.
my milk shake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours damn right it's better than yours I can teach you, but I have to charge my milk shake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours Can I get security? Damn right it's better than yours I can teach you, but I have to charge I know you want it the thing that makes me what the boys go crazy for I think it's time LA-LA, LA-LA, LA warm it up LA-LA, LA-LA, LA the boys are waiting my milk shake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours damn right it's better than yours I can teach you, but I have to charge LA-LA, LA Bryan! Bryan! Warm it up What are you doing? I'm helping.
Stop.
Stop.
I'm one of you, united in a common cause.
Megan: I know that you think that you're helping, but a man dancing around with fake breasts just makes this whole thing look like a joke.
(Babies crying) I'm just going to take the check.
What happened? The women at that protest.
They're eager to stand up for each other, but the second a guy pulls out his boobs, they completely turn.
And yes, when I say it out loud, I realize how ridiculous it sounds.
You know, my mother never breast-fed me.
Well, so what? A lot of people's moms didn't breast-feed them, especially back in the olden times.
(Scoffs) Just growing up, my mother was always very Cold and distant.
I felt more like an unwanted pet than a kid.
Following her around on my best behavior, hoping for attention that rarely came.
And I just keep thinking that maybe if she had nursed me, things would be different.
That maybe we would be closer.
Bry The way your mom treated you has nothing to do with nursing.
You think you're just looking for an excuse? Something to blame it on? Well, if it wasn't about nursing, it's about me.
Was there something fundamentally unlovable about me? Bryan, aside from the way you wear your hair, you are nothing like your mom.
(Laughs) And you do not need to breast-feed to feel close to our son.
You'll sing him funny, annoying songs when you rock him to sleep.
You'll soothe him when he's teething.
Someday you'll even help him study for a math test.
No one said there'd be math.
(Chuckling) Please don't worry about not connecting to our kid.
You seize every opportunity to engage in people's lives.
Take a look at this flash mob.
Breast-feeding or not, you are always going to be an overly intrusive, meddlesome busybody.
That's so sweet.
Oh! What? What? Your breasts are leaking all over me.
Goldie: Shania? It's me Mom.
I know it's you, and I don't want to talk.
Look, we both did some things that we're not so proud of.
Drop the milk, Shania! Oh, I'll drop it all right down my throat.
Look! Piers Morgan is going to the hospital.
What?! (Siren blaring) I'm sorry I drenched us both, and for needlessly worrying you about piers Morgan.
He has a history of high blood pressure, mom.
I know that now.
And I also know this isn't about me not breast-feeding you, is it? No.
I'm just worried that when the baby gets here, you're going to be so busy with him, you won't have any time for me.
Oh, sweetie, no matter how busy I am, I'll always have time for you.
You're my baby.
My only baby.
So, how much time can you give me? Well, I don't know.
How much time do you want? 30 minutes cuddle time every night.
30 minutes is a long time.
How about we make it 45? One hour, and that's my final offer.
Deal.
(Laughs) Is it okay if we start now? Yes.
(Sighs) Morning, Janey.
Good morning.
You're a pig.
What? Low-fat Turkey bacon, egg whites 180 calories.
But I'm glad that you're judging me.
You are like every other pathetic, middle-aged man I have met in this town who's convinced the fountain of youth is hidden in some 20-year-old's panties.
I guess that a mature, intelligent woman would be too challenging for you, so you cavort with a child.
Child? Wh? What, you mean Amber? Yes, of course Amber.
Everyone wants an Amber.
Yeah, I wanted an Amber.
That's why I gave her that name.
See, Amber's not just a child; She's my child.
You have a daughter? Mm-hmm.
I understand your confusion.
I mean, a 25-year-old man like myself having a 20-year-old kid? Look, Jane, I I like dating you.
And I want to go out with you again.
But even if I was dating some 20-year-old, so what? I mean, we're you know, we went on one date.
We should be able to date other people, right? Rocky, he said we're dating! Rocky: Really? Oh, my God, girl.
Be careful.
Terrence Howard told me the same thing right before he tried to baby-wipe me.
(Rocky laughing) Ian: Hey, thanks for having us over for dinner.
Mmm.
Are you kidding me? Bryan insisted.
He felt so bad about ruining Megan's flash mob.
God, who cares? You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm sick of women's boobs.
Sick of hearing about them, sick of talking about them.
I have been telling you that for years.
And after Megan saw that milkman thing on Bryan, she was all, "why don't you want to feed our baby? "Why don't you want to bond with our child? "Why can't you be magical "and into being a dad like Bryan? He's the perfect father.
" Yeah, I guess he is.
(Sophie crying) All right.
Take these out.
Time to feed the baby.
Come on.
That's not mommy's boob.
It's daddy's boob.
There you go.
Did did Bryan give you that? No.
Megan made me buy it.
I got to admit, I love it.
We were, uh, going to tell you that dinner was ready, but it looks like somebody already got started.
(Laughs) Yeah.
Now that I see it with an actual baby, it does look stupid.