The Partridge Family (1970) s01e15 Episode Script

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]
? Come on now
And meet everybody ?
? And hear us singing ?
? There's nothing better
Than being together ?
? When we're singing ?
? The five of us ?
? And Mom working all day ?
? We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ?
? Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ?
? And it really came together
When Mom sang along ?
? Come on now
And meet everybody ?
? And hear us singing ?
? There's nothing better
Than being together ?
? When we're singing ?
? When we're singing ?
? When we're singing ??
Logan.
Are you or are you not
a concert promoter?
I am.
The hippest
in the business,
according to some,
those who know me best.
And did you or did you not
offer the Partridge Family
a tour of Europe?
Right on.
Tell it like it is, baby.
It's like this.
Let's work out
the contract.
Now, how much are you offering
for expenses?
[SNAPS FINGER]
Whatever you want.
Hey, baby,
it's just bread.
I mean, as a human being,
I offer you all that I have.
Well, $1000 a week should do it.
But as a promoter,
I can only spare $150.
That's ridiculous!
It's not enough
for food.
[KNOCKING]
Fast, man.
Hi.
Hi, Shirley.
All right.
We're almost
finished.
This is Logan Mays.
Oh. How do you do, Mr. Mays?
I'm pleased to meet you.
Can you dig it?
It's what's happening,
the handshake
of the hip.
Looks like
a thumb wrestling contest.
My children are so excited
about the European tour.
They've been packing
for two weeks.
I must say,
I'm rather excited myself.
We've been rehearsing
some new songs--
Oh, Reuben, Reuben.
Haven't you told Shirley?
Told her what?
About the tour, man.
European kids
don't dig adults
messing around
on their thing.
I mean, who's
gonna buy a band
being led by
a middle-aged lady?
I beg your pardon?
Are you saying
you don't want Shirley
to sing on the tour?
It's in the contract.
Oh, no offense,
sweetness,
but I know
what my people dig,
because I'm one of them,
you know?
You're at
at least as old as I am!
Older, physically,
but in my head,
I am 18. Ooh!
You come back
when you're of age.
In the meantime,
give this contract
to your father,
and tell him
the deal is off!
[???]
But if it looks like a boot,
why don't they call it Boot?
Why do they call it Italy?
Why do they call Turkey
Turkey?
It doesn't look anything
like a turkey.
And you don't look
anything like
a Partridge.
Oh, Europe.
I can hardly believe
we're going.
It's almost
like a dream.
It is?
Uh-huh.
I don't wanna go.
Why not?
Because I dream
of monsters.
The gall of that man.
He shakes your thumb
with one hand
and goes for your throat
with the other.
Those kids were really
looking forward
to this trip.
Tracy wanted to meet
Hansel and Gretel.
Danny wanted to see
where the Kaiser lived.
Kaiser?
Reuben, I don't know
what I'm gonna tell them.
You know, maybe Logan's right.
Maybe I am holding them back.
Shirley, now, that is
absolute nonsense.
No, I mean it.
What's a woman my age
doing singing
with a bunch of kids
that are old enough
to be
well, my kids.
Yeah, you know,
I know why you're
talking this way.
You just want the kids
to see Europe,
so you're gonna
make sure they go.
Well, I don't think
they're gonna want to
when they find out
the conditions.
That's why
we're not going to tell them.
We have to tell them
something.
I mean, they're gonna be
a little suspicious
if you just stop
hanging around.
You get
those contracts back,
and I'll sign them.
We'll tell them tonight
at the party.
Party?
My retirement party.
CHRIS:
It is too hair.
It's a hat.
The guards at Buckingham Palace
wear hats.
Nobody's gonna hire guys
with hair like that
to protect the queen.
That makes sense.
Boys,
no reading at the table.
Mm.
Braised artichokes,
creamed mushrooms, squab.
What happened?
The freezer break?
I decided to make something
extra special for you tonight
since I have something
important to say.
What's that?
I've told you the contracts
for the European tour
have been signed.
Yay!
KEITH: That's great.
I will be going.
I mean, we'll be together,
but I won't be
singing with you.
What do you mean?
Mom, what are
you saying?
I decided to go into retirement.
I want to be
a normal mother again.
But we like having
an abnormal mother.
I'm tired of show business.
I want to relax a little.
I want to have
a little more of
well, this.
What's so thrilling
about a dead bird?
Danny
Yesterday morning
she was really excited
about going to Europe,
and last night
she retires.
It just doesn't
make sense.
It sure doesn't.
She should have
at least given you
a two-week notice.
Well, here it is,
my favorite restaurant.
Reuben, what happened?
Hey, they got
the window fixed.
Well, I hope the place
isn't under
new management.
Hi there.
Is, uh, my table ready?
Your what?
Don't bother seating us.
She must be new here.
Thank you.
Okay.
Order anything
on the menu, kids.
My treat.
We want to know how come Mom's
suddenly leaving the group.
That's not on the menu.
Reuben, if you know something
we don't,
you may as well tell us,
because we're not going
on that tour without her.
Look, I'm sure your mother
didn't make her decision
lightly.
The important thing now
is for all of us
to get behind her
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
help her to explore
the rich challenge
of domestic life.
Oh, we may not
understand
this new life
she's chosen,
but we can pretend
we do.
Reuben, please,
I feel like standing up
and saluting
a piece
of apple pie.
Out of apple.
Uh, is there anyone
at this table
who is an uptight,
middle-aged man,
who's unable to relate
openly and directly
to other
human beings?
Why?
Well, there's a
phone call for him.
A guy wants to talk
to a Reuben Kincaid
or something.
A call? For me?
Right.
Well, would you mind
bringing the phone to our table,
please?
No, I don't mind.
Would you mind helping me
tear it off the wall?
I'll be
right back.
Yes?
Oh, Logan.
Sure they're going.
We have a contract, don't we?
Yes, yes, the conditions
have been met.
I can't talk now.
I can't tell you
why I can't talk now.
Because
I can't talk now.
Kids, where
are you going?
Sorry, we can't
talk now.
Yeah
[FILM CAMERA WHIRRING]
Underground film?
Hey, that's where
it's all at, baby,
and I'm moving in.
Small budgets, dedicated crews,
real people,
not actors, but people like
well, like me.
Move in here
for a close-up, kid.
Logan Mays,
the guy Bob Dylan calls
beautiful.
Mr. Mays--
Call me Logan, man.
We are on the same side
of the barricade.
Look,
do you have any idea
why Mom suddenly
dropped out of the group?
Hey, I like that.
Direct, human, sincere.
Did you get that?
Beautiful.
When the tour is over,
you may have a place
in my movie.
We're not going on any tour,
not without Mom.
Did you have something to do
with Mom quitting?
Look, what has she ever done
for you?
Buy her a library card.
She'll forget all about you.
Believe me,
I am doing you
a favor.
So you did have something to do
with her quitting.
Look, kid, I know the market.
It is bearish for performers
over 30.
Well, the Partridge Family
is bullish on staying together,
you
you home wrecker.
Home wrecker?
Hey, I like the ring of that.
Home wrecker.
Well, forget it
because
the Partridge Family
wouldn't do a tour
of Disneyland for you.
But you're forgetting
something.
Shirley signed the contracts.
Contracts
can be broken.
Yeah, well, you break this one,
and you'll find
that the Partridge Family's
gonna end up
like Sky
and the Four Clouds.
Who are they?
Right on.
Hey, business
is business,
but can't we
be friends, huh?
Hey, you getting
all this?
Because this
is heavy stuff.
I am showing these kids
my innermost feelings.
You have no
innermost feelings.
She's home.
All right.
Now, remember,
we have to convince Mom
how much we need her,
so let's do it wrong
and get it right, okay?
Okay.
We're gonna pick it up
from the chorus.
[SLOPPY, OUT OF TUNE]
? Baby, I love ?
? Baby, I love you
Baby, I love you ?
? Baby, I love
Love, love, love ?
? I love you ?
? Baby, I love you
Baby, I love you ?
? Baby, I love
Love, love, love ?
? I love you ?
All right, hold it, hold it.
Danny, you lost the tempo.
I just can't keep time
without Mom.
Laurie, you're supposed
to come in when--
Hi, kids.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Oh, Mom.
Oh, hi, Mom.
That sounded pretty awful.
What's wrong?
Oh, uh,
nothing, really.
I heard your singing,
and I must say,
it was a bit, um
sloppy.
Oh, Mom, you've got enough
to do with your housework.
We can work this out
ourselves.
Yeah.
Mom, we just can't make it
without you.
Well, I don't think
you've been trying, have you?
We are trying,
but it's not working.
We've lost
our sex appeal.
Danny, you don't even know
what that is
or do you?
Not me, Mom.
I just know
it's something you've got.
She doesn't.
Sex, sex, sex.
That's all you ever think about.
It was
a nice try, kids,
but it won't work.
I'm not coming
out of retirement.
Mom, we know.
We went to see
Logan Mays.
I thought so.
All right,
so you know,
but Logan Mays didn't force me
into retirement.
This was my own decision.
He just got me to thinking
that maybe you kids
ought to see what you can do
on your own.
Mom, you're not
holding us back.
Did Laurel
hold back Hardy?
Did Abbott
hold back Costello?
Did Charlie
hold back Chaplin?
Danny, I think
you've helped enough already.
My mind's made up.
Anybody need anything
from the supermarket?
Yeah.
What?
A lead singer.
We are ready.
We've been practicing
the new arrangements all week.
A week?
Well, that's not much time.
But, Reuben, we need some
feedback from a live audience.
Bouncing our tunes
off the walls of a garage
isn't enough.
Just a one-nighter
in a small club.
Say, The Ark.
And it would give
Logan Mays a chance
to see the new act
he's promoting.
Well, I guess
I could arrange it.
Well, what does your mom say?
Well, lately,
all Mom says is,
"Coffee, tea, or milk?"
How do we look, Mom?
Lovely. Just lovely.
Well, I guess
we'd better get going.
Yeah, we're
gonna be late.
I'll get my coat.
No!
You can't go, Mom.
I can't?
No.
Uh-uh.
Why not?
Tell her why not,
Laurie.
Uh, because
well, since you've
left the group,
we've got to learn how
to do things by ourselves.
Right.
Well, maybe they're right,
Shirley.
Your being there
might distract them.
Well, I hadn't
thought of that.
I certainly wouldn't want
to make you nervous.
Uh-uh.
I guess you'd better get going.
Bye, Mom.
Bye.
Bye-bye, Mom.
Good luck.
Bye, Mom.
Goodbye, honey.
I'll take care
of them.
Don't worry
about anything.
Reuben, you know
I don't worry.
Sure.
Bye.
Bye.
Uh, Reuben?
Yeah?
Um, look,
make sure Tracy
isn't chewing gum
before she goes on.
Okay.
And, um see
that Chris and Danny
don't get the knees
of their pants dirty.
That always happens.
And make sure that Keith
has his guitar pick.
I'll make sure.
I'm glad you're not worried
about anything.
Actually, it all happened
for the best.
Uh, I have lots to do
while they're gone.
Oh? Like what?
Well, like
Get going.
Bye.
Bye.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a special treat.
As a surprise added attraction,
here to sing
a brand-new arrangement
of their big hit,
"Baby, I Love, Love,
I Love You"
the Partridge Family!
[SLOPPILY PLAYING "BABY,
I LOVE, LOVE, I LOVE YOU"]
[OFF-KEY] ? Isn't it time
Time you tell me ?
? Am I losing my touch? ?
? I've heard you call me, girl
It's more than enough ?
? You were so good to me, girl
I needed you to go on ?
? We had ourselves
A good thing ?
? Is it over and done? ?
? I need some time to think ?
? To get myself together again ?
? Time to think ?
? I got to get
On my feet again ?
? The woman I used to love ?
? Ain't the woman I see today ?
? The woman I see today ??
Hi.
Ah. Halt. Achtung.
Some hippie.
I bet he has relatives
living in Argentina.
I think
the expression is,
nobody likes
a wiseacre.
What's a wiseacre?
It's an expression
middle-aged
18-year-olds use.
Don't put me on.
Now, I know you
messed up on purpose,
and I know why.
You didn't like the act, huh?
Keep it up, kid,
and your nose
will grow long.
Now, I don't like people
trying to con me,
so I suggest you kids
put it together fast,
or I sue for
breach of contract.
How's that for bridging
the communications gap?
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Hi. How'd it go?
They loved our outfits.
Oh, kids
Actually,
we got a lot of laughs.
None of them
from Logan Mays.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's probably just
a matter of practice.
You just need
a few more weeks' rehearsal.
It's no fun without you, Mom.
We don't want to go on the tour
if it means splitting up.
But it doesn't.
I'll be with you.
I just won't be singing
with you, that's all.
Don't all moms sing
with their kids?
Not that many families
are as lucky as we are.
Were.
Look, there's no sense
talking about it.
You may never have
another chance to go to Europe,
and I'm not gonna let you
miss it.
You know,
there's no sense
talking about it, Mom,
because I'm not working
for Logan Mays.
I quit.
Keith.
Keith's right.
I quit.
I quit too.
Me too.
Danny?
I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
Well, I must say,
I've never seen
five more unhappy
faces.
Six, if we include
yours, Mom.
Me?
Oh, I never felt better.
Especially since
I'm coming out of retirement
and all that.
What?
What?
You're kidding.
Well, if you kids
are crazy enough
to prefer my voice
to my cooking,
I suppose
I'll have to go along with it.
That's great. Then you're
gonna sing with us on the tour.
No, Keith. After the tour.
No, Mom,
we need you now.
Listen,
whether you like it or not,
we made a bargain
with Logan Mays,
and we have to keep it,
but after
we come home,
well, you won't be able
to get rid of me,
even if you wanted to.
Welcome back, Mom.
Thank you.
Great to have you
with us again, Mom.
I love you, Mama.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Yeah, but do we still
get to split
your percentage
in Europe?
LAURIE: Danny!
["WHEN WE'RE SINGING" PLAYS]
? Come on now and meet everybody
And hear us singing ?
? There's nothing better
Than being together ?
? When we're singing ?
? Come on now and meet everybody
And hear us singing ?
? There's nothing better
Than being together ?
? When we're singing ??
[APPLAUSE]
CROWD:
Shirley! Shirley!
Shirley! Shirley!
Nous voulons Shirley!
Nous voulons Shirley!
Shirley!
Shirley!
What does that mean?
They want Mom.
Shirley!
Shirley!
Hey, you must have
a lot of relatives
here in Paris.
Yeah, they must be
relatives.
She's too old
to have fans.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Where are you going?
There's an audience
out there
that wants a number
from you.
You just
can't split.
Who would want
a middle-aged lady
messing around
in their thing?
Who knows?
But whatever it is
they're screaming for,
it's my duty to give it to them.
I love those kids.
Sure you do.
They want want her
to go on.
Yeah.
Tell you what I'll do.
Let's negotiate.
CROWD: Nous voulons Shirley!
Shirley! Shirley!
Look, you can't
do this to me.
I'll let you two
settle the details.
I think I'll join my family.
Reuben
Nous voulons Shirley!
Shirley! Shirley!
Nous voulons Shirley!
[APPLAUSE]
"Our mother."
I knew it was
something like that.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[PLAYING "HEARTBEAT"]
? I can feel your heart beat ?
? And you didn't even say
A word ?
? I can feel your heart beat ?
? But you didn't even say
A word ?
? Oh, I know, pretty woman
That your love can be heard ?
? You can feel
My heart beat too ?
? I can tell you're feeling me ?
? You can feel
My heart beat too ?
? I can see you're feeling me ?
? Oh, I know, pretty woman
That your love can be heard ?
? Oh, oh, oh ?
? We paint the night ?
? Let it shine
In the light of our love ?
? This is the night ?
? Yeah, this is the night
Of our love ?
? I'll treat you like a woman
Love you like a woman ?
? Lord, I'll prove it, baby
I'm a man of my word ?
? Love, love
Can't you feel your heart beat ?
? Love, love
I can feel your heart beat ?
? Love, love
Can't you feel your heart beat ?
? Love ?
? And we paint the night ?
? Let it shine
In the light of our love ?
? This is the night ?
? Yeah, this is the night
Of our love ?
? I'll treat you like a woman
Love you like a woman ?
? Lord, I'll prove it, baby
I'm a man of my word ?
? Love, love
Can't you feel your heart beat ?
? Love, love
I can feel your heart beat ?
? Love, love
Can't you feel my heart beat ?
? Love, love
I can feel your heart beat ?
? Love, love
Can't you feel my heart beat ?
? Love, love
I can feel your heart beat ?
? Love, love
Can't you feel it ?
? Love, love
Oh, I can feel it ?
? Love, love ?
? Gettin' stronger
Love, love ?
? I can feel it
Love, love ?
? I can feel it
Love, love ?
? It's getting stronger ?
? Love ??
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
Listen to that
applause.
Four encores.
Out of sight.
I mean, really
out of sight.
This tour
is gonna be big.
It was because you
were with us, Mom.
Yeah, you saw
the difference
as soon as you
got on stage.
You were doing fine
without me.
We've got charisma, Mom,
but you've got sex appeal.
LOGAN:
The kids are right.
Shirley, you are one
exciting performer.
Listen, Shirley,
have you ever thought
of going out
as a single?
I mean, what do you need
with a bunch of kids?
Look, let me book a tour
of Europe for you
by yourself.
Forget it, Logan.
I'm not interested.
Listen, I know
what I'm doing.
I could make you big.
You're impossible.
Come on, kids.
You can't talk to me
like that.
I'm a giant.
Nice try.
Kids worship
at my feet.
No autographs
today, kids.
I'm too whacked out.
Can't you
Well, I'll-I'll-I'll
sign a few autographs,
if you insist.
If you
If you insist,
I'll sign your
autograph book.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Logan Mays.
The Logan Mays.
The promoter.
Give me that, kid.
[MUTTERING] There's just
no justice in the world.
I made you
what you are today.
[???]