Up All Night (2011) s01e15 Episode Script

Welcome everyone.
An happy Valentine today.
You know, on a day like today, it is so important to remember that you must love yourself in order to truly love another.
And it is also important to get a sexy eyeful of besos, the kissing bandito! He is a Latin Lothario, here to make your Valentine's dreams come true.
Muchas gracias, besos.
Ladies, look out! His kiss cam may find you.
He's bilingual, bisensual, and.
Bye-bye shirt! Pick me! Pick me! Ooh, it's getting hot in here.
Very sweet.
Get in here.
Ah, what the heck? Oh, besos.
Besos! Oh, no, thank you.
No, thank you, no, thank you.
No, thank you.
No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you! Oh, no Well, it looks like the kissing bandito has found my producer, Reagan Brinkley.
And he's still going.
No manos, besos, no manos! Manos, besos! No manos! Valentine's show was white-hot.
I love bringing the sexy to mid-morning television.
Oh, my God, what was that guy doing? Ugh, God, I feel like I spent the night in the wrong Barcelona disco.
Besos comes to groove.
He took one look at your buttoned-up school-marm demeanor and he knew you needed to be grooved on.
You know what? Chris is gonna lose it.
I mean, he cannot handle me being kissed by another man.
Kissed? That was a hardcore grooving.
God, I hate Valentine's day.
It's so stupid.
You can't force romance on people.
"Oh, it's the middle of February, I love you!" I agree.
My girlfriends and I? We make it about us.
We go out and dance.
We call ourselves "the goddesses.
" We make the whole night about female empowerment and who can do the most guys.
The record's one.
Believe it or not, I am really into Valentine's this year.
I'm planning a special romantic dinner for Kevin.
Look at you.
Where are you ordering from? - Ava's kitchen.
- I haven't heard of that place.
It's me.
My kitchen.
- I'm cooking it.
- You don't cook.
- You've never cooked.
- Not true.
On my mom's hangover days, I used to make her pancakes.
I'm taking this very seriously.
- Six courses.
- Yeah.
This is fun! I got the immersion blender you asked for.
Oh, and the butcher said there's no such thing as duck-fed beef.
Change of plans, Missy.
I am making a little Mexican dish called chili.
It's got beans in it.
And jah-lop-anos.
Fire! Missy, call 911! No, Ava, it's just the oven.
I'll get it.
You touch my Crescent rolls, and I will literally punch you in the throat.
I am making this meal on my own.
You can shop for me, handle all of the raw meat, clean up everything before and after, but the rest is my thing.
I am in love, and I want to show it with this spicy Mexican masterpiece.
Is there anything else you need? Yes, please.
Can you get me a "bowl"? Green.
Blue.
So how you coming with Amy's Valentine's for her little friends and stuff? Good? Can I see what you're writing? Be right back, baby.
Ah "Dear Cooper, happy Valentine's day to a super-fun little guy.
" - Aww.
- Yeah, it's just tough 'cause I want to keep it platonic, but I don't want Amy to seem like a bore, you know? Yeah Listen, honey.
I, um Something sort of happened on the show today that I think you need to see.
Please, just promise me you're not going to be upset.
- Okay.
- Okay.
No, thank you, no thank you.
I'm so sorry.
No, no, no! My producer, Reagan Brinkley.
I-I'm telling you, I did not enjoy that, not one little bit.
I was so incredibly embarrassed.
I hope you brushed your teeth.
Excuse me? I mean, this dude's running around kissing every dry, desperate lip in the place.
Poor guy.
Yeah, his His name's besos.
Oh? That's funny! He kind of made a beeline for my mouth there - Yeah.
- And stayed there quite a while, thank you.
I You know, I think you should it watch it again, 'cause it really it does.
It goes on and on And on and on.
No, thank you, no, thank you! - No, thank no - Ah, he's making a buck.
He's like a poor man's Chippendale, this dude, huh? The guy's tongue hit my tooth, okay? You used to be so jealous.
Well, babe, I don't know.
I kinda feel like I sealed the deal.
I mean, what are you gonna do? Run off with besos? All right, well M glad you're not upset.
Honestly, I couldn't care less, babe.
That's great.
Happy Valentine's day.
Happy Valentine's day, Ava.
This looks, uh, really good.
Thank you.
- Mmm.
- So do you like it? Not that I care.
I just whipped it up.
Whatevs.
Bought a bowl.
Oh, it's, uh, really tasty.
Yay! Here cheese.
Funny story, actually.
I was slicing jah-lop-anos and I rubbed my eye.
It was a mess.
Missy had to help me douche my entire face.
Oh, crazy.
Kevin, are you enjoying the meal I prepared for you, or should I just go and [Bleep.]
Myself? Sorry, Ava, I just had the worst day at work.
We lost a big contract and I had to let my assistant go, and I couldn't even get a damn cup of coffee 'cause we didn't have any coffee filters.
Well, can't you just forget about it and simply enjoy my beautiful meal? - My God, Ava, I'm trying! - Well, try a little harder! I bought a spatula today! I pranced around that kitchen like Doris day in my apron in one of those movies where the husband is clearly gay and I have to pretend not to notice, - and this is all I get? - I had an awful day! And what, am I supposed to be moonwalking in your kitchen 'cause you heated up some chili? - Look, I appreciate it, but - Well, not enough! Well, you don't care about my problems enough! I made you flan! I hate flan! Everybody hates flan! You know what? This is so much better than some crowded restaurant, right? - Yeah.
- And I love this place.
I mean, you always know what you're getting.
It's never too spicy None of the dishes None of the dishes are great, but they're all pretty good.
Yeah, and this is what it's all about, honey.
No b.
S.
Dinners.
No stupid flowers.
For us, every day is Valentine's day, right? Aww.
What's up, Kev? Ava's crazy.
She's completely nuts.
- Is that, uh - Yeah, chili! And this is flan! Ooh, no one likes flan.
We just had the biggest fight.
Yelling, screaming.
You know when you care about somebody so much it's like every cell in your body's on fire? - Yeah.
- Yeah, no, that's us.
We are just inside, like, smoking.
I'm sorry, guys.
You're probably in the middle of a special Valentine's Thing.
Yeah Reagan, I need you! I am enraged! What is he doing here? The two of you need to talk.
Not until I get an apology! For what? Me being a frickin' human being? You know what? Shhplck! We have a baby who's sleeping.
Well, guess who else is a human being.
Moand human beings need love and attention just like everybody else! I once saw a documentary on monkeys who didn't get nurtured, and all they did was just lay there after a while! I can't help it if you need the love and attention of, like, 48 monkeys! I feel like this is getting really private.
Guys, still Baby is sleeping.
- You make me so crazy! - You make me crazy! Oh, no, no, no, no! Remember what we talked about! Remember, you can only throw food in your own home! We've talked about this.
I am done with this! Lose my 212 cell phone number! Lose my AOL address! See you later.
Wow, I'm actually shocked they didn't wake Amy.
Yeah.
I bought a measuring cup! Yep, there it is.
I am so glad that we are past all that drama.
I mean, who wants to be in a relationship like that? It's like everything is, like, life or death.
You know, everything is, like, a thing.
I know.
You know, the great thing about us is we still - have all the passion - Totally.
Without all the craziness.
Honey, do you want me to get you some shorts? Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.
- Yeah, sure.
- No, it's okay.
Although Before I pack it all back in It is Valentine's day.
Yeah, you know what? Why don't you just pack it up for now and then maybe we'll pull it out later? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Ready to go.
- Yeah.
Whenever.
We did have some craziness back in the day, though, - didn't we? - Oh, yeah.
Remember when you punched that girl at the bar 'cause she gave me her number? Yeah, she didn't think I'd do it.
No.
Aww, do you remember that time that you spray-painted "Chris hearts Reagan" on that overpass so that I would see it on my way work? God, I almost broke my neck.
That was so stupid.
- Aww, now - It's like I needed every guy on Sepulveda Boulevard to know that you were mine.
Yeah, and now I can just kiss some weird guy on TV and you're, like, "high-five, besos!" You know, it's funny that now our relationship is kinda like our Chinese food, you know? It's tasty, it's just not too much spice.
No, really barely any spice.
If you're not paying any attention, you'd think there were no spice at all.
- So should we, um - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Sure, why not? I can leave my shirt on, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, no.
Let me just pop on there.
That was nice, honey.
What? Yeah.
So, about Kevin last night.
Barging into your house like that? - Yeah - Now I'm a wreck.
I didn't sleep at all and I look a mess.
- You look great.
- I know! But I can't believe I let myself get so worked up over a guy.
A guy! I mean, I am an independent woman with my own daytime talk show! I know.
That man just makes my blood boil.
Chris and I, I think, might have the exact opposite problem of you two.
I mean, I don't remember the last time that he made me crazy like that.
- Christopher? - Yeah.
He oozes romance.
That man would walk through fire for you.
Last night, we had Pandora playing during our lovemaking and he stopped twice - to thumbs-down Dylan songs.
- Ooh.
- Ava, my darling! - Julian? Oh, Julian.
I heard about your relationship problems.
I wanted to come make sure everything was okay.
That was literally eight hours ago.
- I have eyes everywhere.
- That doesn't freak me out.
Ava! Let me take you to lunch at my new supper club.
It's called "bed.
" It is a metaphor, but don't worry, there are actual beds.
- Oh, boy.
- Stand by, Julian.
Maybe this is what I need.
A shallow, superficial relationship that leaves you with no emotion whatsoever? Superficial? I love Ava for her beauty, her clothes, and her fame! - That's tee things! - Okay.
And look at this! Oh, d, come on now! Julian, I don't think she wants ooh! It's literally skin deep.
The Chinese symbol for the letter "a".
- "A".
- So an "a"? Yes.
Could stand for "amazing," "Armenia," but most of all, possibly, "Ava.
" "Ava.
" Scarring your body for your lover is the ultimate symbol of passion.
Julian That's stupid.
No, Julian is stupid, but you know what? Getting a tattoo for someone I mean, that's kind of a A cool, romantic gesture, right? I mean, if you want to try to spice stuff up? It's painful, but it's not unbearable.
I got a dolphin when I was in high school.
We serve dolphin in bed.
- Shh.
- But you know what? I'm gonna get a tattoo for Chris.
- Thank you, Julian.
- Now we kiss? - No.
- It's okay.
- Julian.
- Mmm? - You are fun.
- Mmm.
I will go to bed with you.
Hey, dude.
Thought I'd bring this back to you.
Found it in the, uh, bushes outside our house.
I'm embarrassed.
I mean, in the moment, I guess I thought throwing my shoe up on the roof would make my point.
It never does.
She's got me so crazy, you know? I-I can't eat, I can't sleep.
Oh, God.
What is it? I forgot to allow for the lattice variation damn it! Oh, man, that's such a rookie, right Mistake? Can you hand me the hog-ring pliers? Yeah, sure! The, uh, hoggers.
Hey, you know, um, dude, I know that, you know, this sort of early relationship craziness that you're going through right now is kind of awful, but it's it's also kind of awesome, you know.
To be honest, I - Really kind of miss it.
- I said hog ring.
"Hog ring".
Yeah.
I-I love Ava.
It's just that I-I don't know if I can do this, you know? Everything's what she wants, what she needs.
S-she's incapable of meeting me halfway, you know? Thanks, man.
You know, I just Feel like I I don't know, I'd rather have what you and Reagan have, you know? Something solid and comfortable.
Yeah, although I gotta say, I wish sometimes that I would do something crazy like throw a shoe or Can I borrow this spray paint? Yeah, this is it.
I bet you noticed the spray paint, huh? Probably wondering, "what's this mystery guy up to? "Something illegal? Is he a tagger? "Is he anonymous street artist Banksy? "Is willing to go to jail just to express his love through graffitus" Graffito Graffiti whatever.
I'll just take $2 back, please.
Or a dollar's fine.
Thank you.
So does the hep c come with the tattoo or do you have to pay extra for that? Because You can get hep c from a tattoo.
I'm just I'm getting my husband's name inked on my bootay.
Yeah, here we are, just four edgy ladies getting our tattoo on.
Okay, who's next? That's me.
Fresh ink.
Dead man walking.
Look at me, getting inked! I don't want to blow your mind or anything, but, uh, I am over 30.
Yeah, I know.
I know! I know.
It's just, like, genetic, I'm sure.
Another thing that you might want to hold on to your ear hoops over there, but, uh I have a baby.
I do.
Yeah, you heard me.
I do.
You ever have one of those moments when you, like, leave your body for a second and looking down on yourself And, what you see there is super-tragic? Yeah, you know what? I'm not gonna do this tattoo today.
Maybe tomorrow? I just, uh I forget I, um, am late for a pap smear, so thank you very much.
Take care.
Keep the deposit.
Yeah, this is totally gonna work.
Ah,! 'sup? This is an interesting place.
I can't tell if it's great or awful.
Thank you.
I wanted to create an eating experience that was based totally on comfort.
- Please.
- Oh.
Oh! kay.
Whoops.
Waterbed.
Come.
- Sorry.
- No problem.
- It's for VIPs.
- Sure.
And it's filled with vodka, hmm? - Is that I smell? - Yes.
But enough about other topics.
Let's talk more about you.
Your TV show, your boobies, your mind.
- Oh, what's this? - Italian Sushi.
It's like Japanese Sushi instead with Italian ingredients.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
- Ah? - Mmm uhh.
To be the food going down your food tube.
What? You have such an instinct for the finer things in life.
The way you dress, the car you drive, even your classic French timepiece.
- It's a Piaget.
- Ah, yes.
Julian, I'm sorry, we've been talking about me for an hour.
I'm bored.
Can we talk about something else? Understood.
I'm not a man to be told twice.
Thank you.
You have the most beautiful freckle right there.
And here.
- And here, and here.
- Okay.
You're a freckle face.
Okay, Julian.
You know what? You've actually cleared something up for me.
- Okay.
- I gotta go.
- Gotta go? - Yeah.
- But - I just Why you gonna go? - I can't get - Okay, wait, I do this.
- Hold on.
- I'm dynamite! All right, there we go.
- Yep.
- Thank you.
I'll just see my way out.
Honey, you okay? - Yeah.
- What's go This is the overpass, isn't it? , my God.
Did you spray-paint my name again? - Nope.
I mean - No? That was the idea, but then God, this thing's more steeper than I remember it being.
Ten years ago, I had so much agility, babe, and resolve.
I would've got it done, but now Yeah, well, if it was ten years ago I I would've been sporting a big ol' "Chris" tattoo on my rump.
Aww.
- Yeah.
- Next to the dolphin? I was gonna have the dolphin jumping over him and then splashing all happy.
Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
I guess that kind of stuff's a thing of the past, huh? Yeah.
You know what? We should probably pick up - some cash for the sitter.
- Uh, I think they have Yeah, they have an ATM right over there.
Aw, that's one of those ones that charges, like, three bucks.
Oh, come on honey, please.
Can we not be cheap right now? All right, hop out.
What? Why me? It's raining right now, and my hair looks really good today, so no, I'm not hopping out.
You hop out.
Well, I just slid down a wall for Fine, yeah, okay.
I'll hop out.
No, no, I mean I mean, I just almost permanently scarred my body for you.
But no, I'll hop out.
No, babe, I'll do it.
No, I'm hopping out.
Hopping out.
Gonna ruin my hair.
I'm hopping out.
- How could you - Hey! - Just walk away from me - What? Don't you walk away from me! God, I hate that song.
- What? - No, listen, I'm gonna get the cash.
No, I'm getting the cash.
I'm not gonna have you lord this over me.
Okay, you know what? My blow-dry's ruined! Yeah, and this is my favorite jets cap, and it's not gonna fit after this, but you don't hear me complaining.
You know what? The jets suck, okay? Rex Ryan is turning them around! Oh, you're a fool.
- You know what? - What? I wish I could just make you turn around turn around and see me cry there's so much I need to say to you Hey.
Oh, I love your portable office.
Uh, sorry about last night.
I really spun out.
Me too.
I've never felt so out of control.
I went home and had a Guinness and ordered 3,000 feet of coated chain link and no tension bands.
If you had any idea about fencing, you'd know that that is certifiably insane.
Sounds like you need some tension bands.
Exactly.
Kevin I can't solve your problems, but I can listen.
And bring you some of these.
Should we make some coffee? Sure.
There's nothing left here to remind me just the memory of your face now take a look at me now Filter goes here.
I knew that.
There's just an empty space but to wait for you is all I can do and that's what I've got to face take a good look at me now Now this is passionate.
Yeah, even this rain couldn't put our fire out.
- God, I'm sorry, that was so - No, no, no, I liked it.
I liked it.
I liked it.
All right! All right! All right! We hear you! Jeez, don't be a hater! - Mmm, I love you.
- I love you.
Hey, guess what, buddy.
- I can do this all day! - Yeah.
- You honk away! - Hey- we got all day, man.
Wait, that's how you tag? What? What's wrong with it? Just big, boring letters like that? - That's not how you tag.
- Okay, stop saying "tag.
" I'm just saying that there is artistic interpretation.
Banksy Okay, don't say "Banksy," honey.
Banksy, Banksy, Banksy, Banksy - Mmm.
- Mmm! Hey.
- Hi, officer.
- Hey, hi.
Sorry, we're just a couple of adults here.
Mm-hmm.
Just came to make out.
Yep.
Is this illegal now? Didn't know you couldn't make out anymore.
We have a baby too, - so it's not even, like, x-rated.
- We'll go.
We'll take off.
- Excuse us.
- Great point.