Whitney s01e15 Episode Script
Lance!
[Applause.]
I've been dying to review this place for my blog.
It's one of my "off the beaten path" picks.
Huh? This is on the beaten path.
See, look.
That's been stepped on.
Mine.
Thine.
You.
you all right, they're doing spoken word.
- Is that what that is? - Yeah.
I thought it was an illiterate ghost.
- Ha.
- Heart spills.
Next day, glad.
- Ouch.
- Oh.
As a society, we really need to do a better job at teaching men how to express their emotions.
Yeah.
Now give it up for Lance Jeffries.
[Clapping.]
Roxanne's Lance? We hate him.
Oh, God.
- He looks totally different.
- No, he doesn't.
He's exactly the same.
He's doing spoken word, he's probably sleeping around.
That microphone is gonna get a cold sore in an hour.
Mm-hmm.
Girl.
My girl.
Ugh, God, I don't wanna hear about all the whores he cheated on Roxanne with.
I miss.
Your blond hair.
Wait, is he talking about Roxanne? I miss your kind words.
Both: Not Roxanne.
I miss your milky breasts.
That's Roxanne.
Her breasts are not milky.
They are so milky.
I need you.
Every single day.
Now he's just talking about Valtrex.
Roxanne.
Rox.
Anne.
Anne of the Rox variety.
I love you.
I'm coming to get you back Okay, what do we do? Do we tell her? Maybe it's a different Roxanne.
My ex-wife.
My ex-life.
Roxanne.
- Damn it.
- Same one.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience, so Whew, really burning the midnight oil on this one, huh? Thanks for your help.
Oh, it's okay.
I need to put in the O.
T.
I'm taking next week off to visit my folks.
Oh, that's cool.
Where in India are they? Um they're in Akron.
Ohio.
Oh.
I didn't know there was a reservation there.
I'm kidding, man.
I know what kind of Indian you are.
Oh, yeah, that's, uh Okay, why the hell won't these numbers work? I Ah, it's 'cause you've got You have to account for payroll, so the number should really be 38.
25.
Wow.
You people really are geniuses at math.
Come on, computer.
Be more Indian.
Okay.
Ugh.
What, you get invited to another baby shower? I just ran into Lance.
Roxanne's Lance? No, Lance bass.
Remember when he was straight? God, we're old.
Is he back from New York? Where did you see him? At some stupid cafe.
And what did he say? Did he ask about me? Does he wanna get the band back together? Does he still party with Joakim Noah? I didn't talk to him.
He was doing some poetry about how he wants to get Roxanne back.
I don't know what to do.
He, like, ruined her life.
Okay, so did he specifically say he wants to get Roxanne back, or was it more like he just, like, generally misses all of us? Who cares? He lied to her, he cheated on her, and now he has the balls to take alimony from her.
All right, well, look, you know, Roxanne admitted that the divorce wasn't all his fault.
And besides, I liked Lance, you know? The four of us used to hang out a lot.
He used to be one of my best friends.
Interesting.
I'm gonna choose to focus on the "one of" part of that sentence and help myself to a piece of chocolate.
I don't know what to do.
Roxanne has been so happy lately.
Like, the happiest I have seen her since the divorce.
I haven't heard her talk about Lance in a month, she stopped emailing Gloria Allred.
I'm just afraid if I tell her, it's gonna open up old wounds.
You kind of have to tell her, you know? I mean, would you feel okay keeping something from your best friend? See? Whitney only has one.
She doesn't have a team of best friends.
She just has one.
What is the cookie situation in this place? I need your bathroom.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, damn it! No! Idiot! So Whitney's not here.
Uh but all the girl stuff is in the left drawer.
Uh, and please don't look in the right drawer.
[Whimpering.]
[Whining.]
Oh.
Aw, you looked in the right drawer, huh? No.
God, no, this is really bad, okay? I lost my engagement ring.
Ooh.
Promise me you won't tell Neal.
Yeah, I don't know, Lil.
I mean Neal and I talk about your engagement ring a lot.
Oh, I was hoping it would be here.
I've looked everywhere.
Well, why don't you just tell Neal you lost it? Because he always accuses me of being flighty.
Oh, my God, where's my purse? Oh! Thank God, okay.
Well, look.
It'll be okay, all right? - We'll find the ring.
- Really? Let's just retrace your steps.
Okay, yeah, um I walked into your bathroom.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, so What what What are you doing? Well, that's how you walk.
That is not how I walk.
[Knocking.]
- Whit, hey.
- Hey.
What what are you doing here? I have something to tell you, and I think it might blow your mind, so I didn't wanna tell you over the phone.
I thought I heard those boots.
Hey, Whit.
Please tell me you are hosting a terrible poetry night in your apartment, and not in your compartment.
Oh Whit, always masking anger with jokes.
I'm not masking anything.
I hate you.
Okay, Lance.
I think you should go.
Whit has some things she needs to freak out about.
Whit, I see your anger, and I raise you an "I've changed.
" I've evolved, and I hope this can be a positive and freeing moment for all of us.
Now I gotta get back to work On myself.
Okay, look.
I I'm really sorry.
I've been wanting to tell you for weeks.
This has been going on for weeks? Roxanne, the sex can't be that good.
Do you not remember how badly he hurt you? Do you have Vag-Alzheimer's? All right, I I know that this is gonna be hard to believe, but I think he's changed.
I mean, he he's thoughtful now, and he's self-aware And! And! He has a job.
Okay.
Doing what? I am not sure.
But he comes home angry with money, so it checks out.
Roxanne You made me promise that I would never let you do this.
We made a pact.
You said, "Whitney, if I ever think about getting back with Lance, punch me in the face.
" So Get up.
Wha Whit.
Look, I know you're being a good, though overly literal, friend right now, and I do appreciate that, so I'm absolving you of any responsibility from that pact.
Pact off.
You can't undo a pact unless both sides agree.
That is in the Bible.
I am not letting you do this.
Pact on.
I can feel in my gut it is different this time.
You cannot trust your gut, okay? If everyone went around trusting their gut all the time, the world would be chaos.
If I trusted my gut, I would have an eight-year-old kid and a funny t-shirt business.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
We're three weeks in, and I'm really happy.
Okay, well, good luck to you, because everything goes well in the beginning, okay? I've got about a thousand t-shirts in storage that say "I don't work for the post office, but I will inspect your package.
" I still don't see how this guy insulted you, but that's just me.
I don't see color.
I judge people by how much money they have.
He said, "you people are geniuses.
" Calling Indians smart is just as racist as saying Asians can't drive.
Yeah, but saying you're smart's a compliment.
That cancels out the racism.
It's like it's like putting a smiley face at the end of a mean text.
It's still racist.
He assumed that I had certain qualities because of my skin color.
Well, if it bothered you so much, why didn't you say something? I mean, besides the fact that all Indians are polite.
I don't know.
He caught me off guard.
Dude, I think you're being sensitive.
Yeah yeah, of course I am.
I I mean, you're Irish.
Should I just assume that you like to drink and fight all the time? I do like to drink and fight.
But but that's not because I'm Irish.
That's 'cause my dad taught me that drinking and fighting is how you solve problems, 'cause he's Irish.
Yeah, it would've been better if he had just said, "all Indians are Indian.
" That is the only generalization that is true.
I don't know, man.
All Indians are Indian? Somehow that sounds bad.
Next time he says something mm.
I'm gonna call him out on it.
I think that'll go well, because if there's one thing racists love, it's hearing that they're racist and then apologizing for it.
Well, it's a whole new world.
Roxanne is back with Lance, we have a black president, and I just downloaded a country song on purpose.
So we might as well go in the bedroom and do that other thing I said was never gonna happen.
- Uh, uh, about about Lance - Oh, my God.
If you defend him right now, I swear to God, I So, bro, we should get going.
What is he doing here? What are you doing here? And why are you so concerned with the temperature of your neck? Look, Roxanne emailed, and he said he had two bulls tickets, all right? I figure if Roxanne was cool with it, you know, and you didn't find out, then it'd be okay.
This is not okay.
Why is everybody suddenly okay with him? If Roxanne forgave him, then how long are we supposed to wait till we forgive him? What, one week? Two weeks? Whitney, I know I screwed up.
And not just with Roxanne, but with all of you guys.
- But I wanna win you back.
- Arms up.
I just wanna figure out a way to make it cool between us.
Man, that sounds like a really sincere man.
With two bulls tickets.
I made a promise to Roxanne that I would never let her make this mistake again, and I intend to keep that promise.
You're really undoing the yoga class I took this morning.
Look, you know what? Whit, I'm gonna give you some alone time to process this, okay? Maybe four quarters' worth.
Uh And we are just gonna head to the game, okay? And Unless were you serious about the bedroom stuff? I'll call you on the way.
I'll call you on the way.
So how's the ring search going? Not good.
Hey, can you carry the rest of these drinks for me? I have to keep my left hand in my pocket until Death do us part.
Okay, good, we're all here.
Uh, as you all know, Roxanne has been hoodwinked by Lance, so How are we gonna break them up? Okay, look, I know you're trying to be a good friend to Roxanne, so why don't you just punch her in the face so we can all hang out with Lance again? You don't get to vote, because he's your boyfriend.
Wow, he went from best friend to boyfriend in one day.
Look, it's true, okay? He's changed, all right? He he goes to therapy now.
He's really turning his life around.
Is he? Is he turning it around? I get it.
You hate me.
Okay.
- People don't change.
- I don't know.
Lily and I have both changed since we've been together.
She's made me more laid-back, and I've made her way more responsible.
Oh, yes yes, you have.
You totally have.
Because real change comes from In here.
Look, Whit, you've changed.
I mean, before you met me, you didn't believe in monogamy or relationships.
Uh, by many accounts, she still doesn't believe in them, she just happens to be in a monogamous relationship.
Yeah, yeah, you used to have serious trust issues.
Breaking into boyfriends' phones, emails, cars, the occasional beach house That was fun.
Women snoop because it works, okay? I thought a guy was cheating on me once so I went into his computer, and I found out he was sleeping with three other women.
Eight months later, I left his ass.
Okay? Lance is a liar.
So who's gonna help me prove it to Roxanne? I will.
Really? No one? [Knock at door.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I feel like we got off on the wrong foot yesterday, and that's totally my fault.
I mean, we are both adults, and we should just get past this.
I totally agree.
And in order for me to do that, I'm just gonna need, like, an hour alone in your apartment.
What? Well, if you're different now, you should have nothing to hide.
This is an insane invasion of privacy, and right in your strike zone.
I don't like this any more than you do.
You're really gonna do this.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
Leave your phone and wallet.
Do you need my computer password? Password? That's cute.
Hey, Whit.
I brought some stuff from the station, in case we need it.
Oh I have all the tools I need right here.
Bad childhood.
No, no, no.
I'm a cop.
This is evidence to plant.
'Cause we have to get Lance away from Alex.
I mean, um Roxanne.
Boom! We're in.
Still got it.
How'd you figure out his password? Colts jacket, childhood dog named Mookie, born in 1978, Lance is an idiot, password's "1-2-3-4.
" God, you're good.
What are these photos? I'm gonna go into his Facebook page and isolate all his cropped pictures, then compare them to the originals to see who he's cutting out.
You got that under control.
Where should I put an ear? Hey, we did it, buddy.
Shots on me.
Aah! What was that? Jalapeno Tequila.
Nice and spicy.
Thought you'd like it.
Why would I like it? Don't you like spicy food? Because I'm Indian? Hey, man, I'm jealous, okay? It's how you stay so skinny.
I'd lose a few pounds too if I only ate Indian food.
Stuff goes right through you.
Okay, you know what, Roger? Um Hey, Ira's finally here.
You haven't met him, right? Ira Stein, works in international accounting? I'd love for you two brains to meet.
Hey, Ira.
I'm Neal.
Um, I'm Ira.
'sup? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, I just thought that That an accountant can't be a black man? No, that Oh, that a black man can't be named Ira.
Wow, man.
That's uncool.
I mean, you of all people.
[Indian accent.]
I'm really sorry.
I just moved here from India.
And, oh, look, there is my fiancee.
- Hey.
- Hey.
[Laughing weakly.]
Neal, I lost my engagement ring.
I loved it, and I love you, and I don't want you to think I'm a flighty idiot.
It's okay.
No, it's not okay.
That ring was really expensive and perfect, and now it's gone forever.
No, honey, it's okay.
That ring was actually a fake.
What? Well, I thought that you might lose the ring, so I got you a fake one.
Isn't that great news? You got me a fake ring? I've been walking around with a fake ring on - for the past three months? - Uh-huh.
My finger turned green, and I went to four dermatologists thinking I was allergic to platinum Oh, my God, that's where it is.
It's at the dermatologist.
Hey, this is not over.
Whit, this is seriously crazy and insane.
I hate to say "I told you so," but In Lance's couch pillows, I found A pair of crotchless panties.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
He's still addicted to godless sluts.
- Those are mine.
- Come on, Roxanne! Those are so unsanitary.
Well, they weren't originally crotchless, it just You know what? That's a long story.
Okay, but you gotta look at his Amazon order history.
He ordered a heart-shaped locket for some stripper named "angel dust.
" That's his nickname for me.
Okay, you know what? I still have five more minutes.
I'm just gonna hop in his dumpster real fast.
No, Whit.
Stop, okay? I know Lance cheated on me before.
You know what my evidence is? I walked in on him cheating on me before.
Exactly.
So why are we here? Because I'm choosing to believe he's changed.
What if you're wrong? What if this is another complete disaster? Well, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm gonna hope that it goes well, and I need you to hope for the same thing.
Can you hope, Whitney? I can try.
Thank you.
So these last couple weeks, Lance is the reason for all of the laughing and smiling and waxing? Yup.
Okay.
New pact When you're happy, I'm happy.
But if he cheats on you again, this is the last face he is ever gonna see.
Pact on.
And I do want you to know that It means a lot to me that you went full on "crazy bitch" on this one.
I'm not gonna lie.
Feels good to be back.
Right.
[Laughing.]
Wait, Whit, are you wearing Lance's cologne? Oh, yeah, I put it on so Alex would pay more attention to me.
Thank you guys for coming to support Lance.
Oh! I can't think of anything positive to say.
You smell good, Whit.
This next guy is a real all-star in the slam poetry community.
He's also my N.
A.
Sponsor.
Give it up for Lance Jeffries.
[Applause.]
Uh, remember, it's anonymous, Jacob.
Thank you.
Uh, this new poem is inspired by a powerful person who just came back into my life.
Do you think he means me? He means me.
Long hair.
Black boots.
Black soul.
Whit.
Ney.
Break.
Ing.
Enter.
Ing.
Storm in.
Big teeth.
Small breasts.
Okay.
No, no, come on.
Don't leave.
Oh, no, I'm going up next.
I have a little poem called "Lance, I went through your browser history.
"
I've been dying to review this place for my blog.
It's one of my "off the beaten path" picks.
Huh? This is on the beaten path.
See, look.
That's been stepped on.
Mine.
Thine.
You.
you all right, they're doing spoken word.
- Is that what that is? - Yeah.
I thought it was an illiterate ghost.
- Ha.
- Heart spills.
Next day, glad.
- Ouch.
- Oh.
As a society, we really need to do a better job at teaching men how to express their emotions.
Yeah.
Now give it up for Lance Jeffries.
[Clapping.]
Roxanne's Lance? We hate him.
Oh, God.
- He looks totally different.
- No, he doesn't.
He's exactly the same.
He's doing spoken word, he's probably sleeping around.
That microphone is gonna get a cold sore in an hour.
Mm-hmm.
Girl.
My girl.
Ugh, God, I don't wanna hear about all the whores he cheated on Roxanne with.
I miss.
Your blond hair.
Wait, is he talking about Roxanne? I miss your kind words.
Both: Not Roxanne.
I miss your milky breasts.
That's Roxanne.
Her breasts are not milky.
They are so milky.
I need you.
Every single day.
Now he's just talking about Valtrex.
Roxanne.
Rox.
Anne.
Anne of the Rox variety.
I love you.
I'm coming to get you back Okay, what do we do? Do we tell her? Maybe it's a different Roxanne.
My ex-wife.
My ex-life.
Roxanne.
- Damn it.
- Same one.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience, so Whew, really burning the midnight oil on this one, huh? Thanks for your help.
Oh, it's okay.
I need to put in the O.
T.
I'm taking next week off to visit my folks.
Oh, that's cool.
Where in India are they? Um they're in Akron.
Ohio.
Oh.
I didn't know there was a reservation there.
I'm kidding, man.
I know what kind of Indian you are.
Oh, yeah, that's, uh Okay, why the hell won't these numbers work? I Ah, it's 'cause you've got You have to account for payroll, so the number should really be 38.
25.
Wow.
You people really are geniuses at math.
Come on, computer.
Be more Indian.
Okay.
Ugh.
What, you get invited to another baby shower? I just ran into Lance.
Roxanne's Lance? No, Lance bass.
Remember when he was straight? God, we're old.
Is he back from New York? Where did you see him? At some stupid cafe.
And what did he say? Did he ask about me? Does he wanna get the band back together? Does he still party with Joakim Noah? I didn't talk to him.
He was doing some poetry about how he wants to get Roxanne back.
I don't know what to do.
He, like, ruined her life.
Okay, so did he specifically say he wants to get Roxanne back, or was it more like he just, like, generally misses all of us? Who cares? He lied to her, he cheated on her, and now he has the balls to take alimony from her.
All right, well, look, you know, Roxanne admitted that the divorce wasn't all his fault.
And besides, I liked Lance, you know? The four of us used to hang out a lot.
He used to be one of my best friends.
Interesting.
I'm gonna choose to focus on the "one of" part of that sentence and help myself to a piece of chocolate.
I don't know what to do.
Roxanne has been so happy lately.
Like, the happiest I have seen her since the divorce.
I haven't heard her talk about Lance in a month, she stopped emailing Gloria Allred.
I'm just afraid if I tell her, it's gonna open up old wounds.
You kind of have to tell her, you know? I mean, would you feel okay keeping something from your best friend? See? Whitney only has one.
She doesn't have a team of best friends.
She just has one.
What is the cookie situation in this place? I need your bathroom.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, damn it! No! Idiot! So Whitney's not here.
Uh but all the girl stuff is in the left drawer.
Uh, and please don't look in the right drawer.
[Whimpering.]
[Whining.]
Oh.
Aw, you looked in the right drawer, huh? No.
God, no, this is really bad, okay? I lost my engagement ring.
Ooh.
Promise me you won't tell Neal.
Yeah, I don't know, Lil.
I mean Neal and I talk about your engagement ring a lot.
Oh, I was hoping it would be here.
I've looked everywhere.
Well, why don't you just tell Neal you lost it? Because he always accuses me of being flighty.
Oh, my God, where's my purse? Oh! Thank God, okay.
Well, look.
It'll be okay, all right? - We'll find the ring.
- Really? Let's just retrace your steps.
Okay, yeah, um I walked into your bathroom.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, so What what What are you doing? Well, that's how you walk.
That is not how I walk.
[Knocking.]
- Whit, hey.
- Hey.
What what are you doing here? I have something to tell you, and I think it might blow your mind, so I didn't wanna tell you over the phone.
I thought I heard those boots.
Hey, Whit.
Please tell me you are hosting a terrible poetry night in your apartment, and not in your compartment.
Oh Whit, always masking anger with jokes.
I'm not masking anything.
I hate you.
Okay, Lance.
I think you should go.
Whit has some things she needs to freak out about.
Whit, I see your anger, and I raise you an "I've changed.
" I've evolved, and I hope this can be a positive and freeing moment for all of us.
Now I gotta get back to work On myself.
Okay, look.
I I'm really sorry.
I've been wanting to tell you for weeks.
This has been going on for weeks? Roxanne, the sex can't be that good.
Do you not remember how badly he hurt you? Do you have Vag-Alzheimer's? All right, I I know that this is gonna be hard to believe, but I think he's changed.
I mean, he he's thoughtful now, and he's self-aware And! And! He has a job.
Okay.
Doing what? I am not sure.
But he comes home angry with money, so it checks out.
Roxanne You made me promise that I would never let you do this.
We made a pact.
You said, "Whitney, if I ever think about getting back with Lance, punch me in the face.
" So Get up.
Wha Whit.
Look, I know you're being a good, though overly literal, friend right now, and I do appreciate that, so I'm absolving you of any responsibility from that pact.
Pact off.
You can't undo a pact unless both sides agree.
That is in the Bible.
I am not letting you do this.
Pact on.
I can feel in my gut it is different this time.
You cannot trust your gut, okay? If everyone went around trusting their gut all the time, the world would be chaos.
If I trusted my gut, I would have an eight-year-old kid and a funny t-shirt business.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
We're three weeks in, and I'm really happy.
Okay, well, good luck to you, because everything goes well in the beginning, okay? I've got about a thousand t-shirts in storage that say "I don't work for the post office, but I will inspect your package.
" I still don't see how this guy insulted you, but that's just me.
I don't see color.
I judge people by how much money they have.
He said, "you people are geniuses.
" Calling Indians smart is just as racist as saying Asians can't drive.
Yeah, but saying you're smart's a compliment.
That cancels out the racism.
It's like it's like putting a smiley face at the end of a mean text.
It's still racist.
He assumed that I had certain qualities because of my skin color.
Well, if it bothered you so much, why didn't you say something? I mean, besides the fact that all Indians are polite.
I don't know.
He caught me off guard.
Dude, I think you're being sensitive.
Yeah yeah, of course I am.
I I mean, you're Irish.
Should I just assume that you like to drink and fight all the time? I do like to drink and fight.
But but that's not because I'm Irish.
That's 'cause my dad taught me that drinking and fighting is how you solve problems, 'cause he's Irish.
Yeah, it would've been better if he had just said, "all Indians are Indian.
" That is the only generalization that is true.
I don't know, man.
All Indians are Indian? Somehow that sounds bad.
Next time he says something mm.
I'm gonna call him out on it.
I think that'll go well, because if there's one thing racists love, it's hearing that they're racist and then apologizing for it.
Well, it's a whole new world.
Roxanne is back with Lance, we have a black president, and I just downloaded a country song on purpose.
So we might as well go in the bedroom and do that other thing I said was never gonna happen.
- Uh, uh, about about Lance - Oh, my God.
If you defend him right now, I swear to God, I So, bro, we should get going.
What is he doing here? What are you doing here? And why are you so concerned with the temperature of your neck? Look, Roxanne emailed, and he said he had two bulls tickets, all right? I figure if Roxanne was cool with it, you know, and you didn't find out, then it'd be okay.
This is not okay.
Why is everybody suddenly okay with him? If Roxanne forgave him, then how long are we supposed to wait till we forgive him? What, one week? Two weeks? Whitney, I know I screwed up.
And not just with Roxanne, but with all of you guys.
- But I wanna win you back.
- Arms up.
I just wanna figure out a way to make it cool between us.
Man, that sounds like a really sincere man.
With two bulls tickets.
I made a promise to Roxanne that I would never let her make this mistake again, and I intend to keep that promise.
You're really undoing the yoga class I took this morning.
Look, you know what? Whit, I'm gonna give you some alone time to process this, okay? Maybe four quarters' worth.
Uh And we are just gonna head to the game, okay? And Unless were you serious about the bedroom stuff? I'll call you on the way.
I'll call you on the way.
So how's the ring search going? Not good.
Hey, can you carry the rest of these drinks for me? I have to keep my left hand in my pocket until Death do us part.
Okay, good, we're all here.
Uh, as you all know, Roxanne has been hoodwinked by Lance, so How are we gonna break them up? Okay, look, I know you're trying to be a good friend to Roxanne, so why don't you just punch her in the face so we can all hang out with Lance again? You don't get to vote, because he's your boyfriend.
Wow, he went from best friend to boyfriend in one day.
Look, it's true, okay? He's changed, all right? He he goes to therapy now.
He's really turning his life around.
Is he? Is he turning it around? I get it.
You hate me.
Okay.
- People don't change.
- I don't know.
Lily and I have both changed since we've been together.
She's made me more laid-back, and I've made her way more responsible.
Oh, yes yes, you have.
You totally have.
Because real change comes from In here.
Look, Whit, you've changed.
I mean, before you met me, you didn't believe in monogamy or relationships.
Uh, by many accounts, she still doesn't believe in them, she just happens to be in a monogamous relationship.
Yeah, yeah, you used to have serious trust issues.
Breaking into boyfriends' phones, emails, cars, the occasional beach house That was fun.
Women snoop because it works, okay? I thought a guy was cheating on me once so I went into his computer, and I found out he was sleeping with three other women.
Eight months later, I left his ass.
Okay? Lance is a liar.
So who's gonna help me prove it to Roxanne? I will.
Really? No one? [Knock at door.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I feel like we got off on the wrong foot yesterday, and that's totally my fault.
I mean, we are both adults, and we should just get past this.
I totally agree.
And in order for me to do that, I'm just gonna need, like, an hour alone in your apartment.
What? Well, if you're different now, you should have nothing to hide.
This is an insane invasion of privacy, and right in your strike zone.
I don't like this any more than you do.
You're really gonna do this.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
Leave your phone and wallet.
Do you need my computer password? Password? That's cute.
Hey, Whit.
I brought some stuff from the station, in case we need it.
Oh I have all the tools I need right here.
Bad childhood.
No, no, no.
I'm a cop.
This is evidence to plant.
'Cause we have to get Lance away from Alex.
I mean, um Roxanne.
Boom! We're in.
Still got it.
How'd you figure out his password? Colts jacket, childhood dog named Mookie, born in 1978, Lance is an idiot, password's "1-2-3-4.
" God, you're good.
What are these photos? I'm gonna go into his Facebook page and isolate all his cropped pictures, then compare them to the originals to see who he's cutting out.
You got that under control.
Where should I put an ear? Hey, we did it, buddy.
Shots on me.
Aah! What was that? Jalapeno Tequila.
Nice and spicy.
Thought you'd like it.
Why would I like it? Don't you like spicy food? Because I'm Indian? Hey, man, I'm jealous, okay? It's how you stay so skinny.
I'd lose a few pounds too if I only ate Indian food.
Stuff goes right through you.
Okay, you know what, Roger? Um Hey, Ira's finally here.
You haven't met him, right? Ira Stein, works in international accounting? I'd love for you two brains to meet.
Hey, Ira.
I'm Neal.
Um, I'm Ira.
'sup? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, I just thought that That an accountant can't be a black man? No, that Oh, that a black man can't be named Ira.
Wow, man.
That's uncool.
I mean, you of all people.
[Indian accent.]
I'm really sorry.
I just moved here from India.
And, oh, look, there is my fiancee.
- Hey.
- Hey.
[Laughing weakly.]
Neal, I lost my engagement ring.
I loved it, and I love you, and I don't want you to think I'm a flighty idiot.
It's okay.
No, it's not okay.
That ring was really expensive and perfect, and now it's gone forever.
No, honey, it's okay.
That ring was actually a fake.
What? Well, I thought that you might lose the ring, so I got you a fake one.
Isn't that great news? You got me a fake ring? I've been walking around with a fake ring on - for the past three months? - Uh-huh.
My finger turned green, and I went to four dermatologists thinking I was allergic to platinum Oh, my God, that's where it is.
It's at the dermatologist.
Hey, this is not over.
Whit, this is seriously crazy and insane.
I hate to say "I told you so," but In Lance's couch pillows, I found A pair of crotchless panties.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
He's still addicted to godless sluts.
- Those are mine.
- Come on, Roxanne! Those are so unsanitary.
Well, they weren't originally crotchless, it just You know what? That's a long story.
Okay, but you gotta look at his Amazon order history.
He ordered a heart-shaped locket for some stripper named "angel dust.
" That's his nickname for me.
Okay, you know what? I still have five more minutes.
I'm just gonna hop in his dumpster real fast.
No, Whit.
Stop, okay? I know Lance cheated on me before.
You know what my evidence is? I walked in on him cheating on me before.
Exactly.
So why are we here? Because I'm choosing to believe he's changed.
What if you're wrong? What if this is another complete disaster? Well, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm gonna hope that it goes well, and I need you to hope for the same thing.
Can you hope, Whitney? I can try.
Thank you.
So these last couple weeks, Lance is the reason for all of the laughing and smiling and waxing? Yup.
Okay.
New pact When you're happy, I'm happy.
But if he cheats on you again, this is the last face he is ever gonna see.
Pact on.
And I do want you to know that It means a lot to me that you went full on "crazy bitch" on this one.
I'm not gonna lie.
Feels good to be back.
Right.
[Laughing.]
Wait, Whit, are you wearing Lance's cologne? Oh, yeah, I put it on so Alex would pay more attention to me.
Thank you guys for coming to support Lance.
Oh! I can't think of anything positive to say.
You smell good, Whit.
This next guy is a real all-star in the slam poetry community.
He's also my N.
A.
Sponsor.
Give it up for Lance Jeffries.
[Applause.]
Uh, remember, it's anonymous, Jacob.
Thank you.
Uh, this new poem is inspired by a powerful person who just came back into my life.
Do you think he means me? He means me.
Long hair.
Black boots.
Black soul.
Whit.
Ney.
Break.
Ing.
Enter.
Ing.
Storm in.
Big teeth.
Small breasts.
Okay.
No, no, come on.
Don't leave.
Oh, no, I'm going up next.
I have a little poem called "Lance, I went through your browser history.
"