Worst Week s01e15 Episode Script

You know what? I will do it.
Thank you.
- I over-ordered.
- No, you di't.
Here, I'll put your entree over here right next to your other three entrees.
You can is there any bread? You have eaten it.
I have eaten it all.
I am sorry.
By the way, I was thinking about the nursery today, and I have a great idea.
What? Remember? This is special.
We not talking about the baby tonight.
- I know, you're right.
- Good.
So what else? I drove over to the hospital today.
Figured out that rush.
Not talking about it.
So why would I start that sentence, one would ask? I am not.
I am just very excited.
I am too.
But in three weeks, that's all we're gonna be talking about, so tonight, let's just enjoy the two of us.
Or the one of us.
What? Where are you going? - I'm gonna go get you some bread.
- Thank you.
What happened? - My water broke.
- Your water broke? Okay.
What are you doing? I need hot towels, ice chips, and a flashlight.
- Wait.
Please.
- Calm down.
We're gonna do it.
There's no time.
There's no time.
- Can you call 911? - My water glass broke.
Is what I should have said.
Oh my God.
Yes, you should have.
-= 115 =- " The Epidural " VO By : ¤AkaZab¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
fr.]
I'm impressed you got through them so fast.
It was easy.
I just wrote the same thing on every one.
Mel, you didn't.
No, no, my friends, they all call each other.
They read, and they compare.
I'd be i'd be ruined.
Ruined.
Gotcha.
You sweet-faced devil.
- Good morning, everybody.
- Good morning.
- Coffee time for Sammy.
- Sam, I'm sorry.
I'd make some more, but "there's no time!" You know what, she didn't need to know.
"I need ice chips.
I need a flashlight.
Why would you.
Why would you need a flashlight? Well, just trying to be there for my wife.
To be fair, he's always there when you don't need him.
- Jeez, Dick.
- Oh, stop.
Dick's been a grump all morning 'cause he's losing his precious sofa.
It's not my precious sofa.
It just happens to be my favorite napping sofa, and you have been angling to get rid of it for months now.
I have not.
I love that sofa.
I do! I love it, and I was devastated when Sam destroyed it.
Sam, dear, could you bring me my wine? I think it's on the sideboard.
Got it.
Is that for one person? Thank you.
Sam, look what you have done.
I'm clumsy.
- All right, i'm heading out.
- I'll walk you out.
And the new sofa's gonna be just as comfy.
Don't pretend to read your paper.
- Hey, you want to meet for lunch today? - Nope, these notes were the last thing on my list of boring stuff to do.
And now that they're done, I have a whole day booked full of fun stuff.
Take that, nice lunch offer.
Honey, I just mean We're gonna be together every minute of the day when this baby is born, so now that I'm on maternity leave, I just want to GPA treatments and go out for smoothies with those cliquey girls from the prenatal yoga class.
- I thought you hated those girls.
- I did.
But then they invited me.
Damn, my dad's out of stamps.
Hey, you wanna really be there for me? - I'll mail'em from the office.
- Thank you.
You sure you don't want to meet me for lunch? Well, it's tempting, but lately, when we go out to eat, you tend to throw my food on the floor.
It didn't stop you from eating it.
- I'm about to mail them.
- That's not why I was calling.
- Hello.
Why are you calling? - Okay, that's why I was calling.
Well, I guess i can just nap standing up like a horse.
That's my parents.
They have not stopped bickering since you left.
Well, i'm on my way to mail the thank you notes right now.
- Okay.
- You don't even take naps.
It's getting ugly around here.
I'm gonna make a break for it.
- Bye, babe.
- Bye.
Right after I pee.
All right.
I've actually never mailed anything from here.
Hey, Tess, do you know if we have like a mail slot? Or never mind.
Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
Complicated.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
You can't do that.
You can't put garbage in a mail slot.
That's not a mail slot.
The trash chute.
I saw you put your mail in there.
No, that was junk mail.
I was just throwing it out.
I just put a whole thing of Mel's thank you cards down there.
I hope they didn't land in the chili I just threw out.
Come in here.
Tell your father that there is nothing wrong with this sofa.
I don't want to be late for my spa day.
Dad, there's nothing wrong with the sofa.
Are you kidding me? Look how sharp the edges are on that cushion.
You could cut your eyes with 'em.
Sharp cushions? Isn't that just the living end? Look, I would love to stay and get in the middle of this, - but I have an appointment.
- Sit down.
What? I trust Melanie.
If she says that the couch is uncomfortable, out it goes, and if she likes it, then it can stay.
- See, this was really my time.
- Sit down.
Sit down.
All right, all right, all right.
See.
Sharp.
No, My water just broke.
Honey.
Oh, my god.
This is so exciting.
I'll get your bag.
I'm gonna have a baby.
May she bring you as much joy as you brought me.
God.
- Are you sitting down? - Why? My water just broke.
- You're really milking this one, honey.
- No, honey, - it's happening.
- Really? Wait, you're serious? I'm having a baby.
I'm sorry.
That's why I stopped.
Are you This is it? Okay.
Then, just stay there.
I will be there.
Just sit down, shut up.
Or, you know what I mean.
St run don't run! Don't run! I didn't mean that.
- Don't run.
I will do the running.
- Sam, it's okay.
Calm down.
My parents are gonna drive me to the city, and we've got plenty of time, so all you have to do is meet me at the hospital.
- Okay, okay.
I'm on my way.
- Wait, Sam, wait.
Dr.
Royce's office called, and he had to do a procedure at a different hospital, so we're actually meeting him at st Phone went in the box.
Right in the box.
Got it right down there.
Damn it! Honey, I didn't hear which saint! Honey, say what? Oh, god! Which saint? What saint? Here i'm allowed to.
I dropped something in there.
I'm allowed to.
I dropped something in there.
Thank you for your judgmentmental ness.
Hey, Sam, it's me.
I don't know what happened.
Our call got all echoey.
I hope that doesn't mean you took the phone into the bathroom.
Again.
Anyway, call me back.
He's still not picking up.
Honey, you'll get through soon.
Just stay focused on the task at hand.
You've been grinning like a pig in slop ever since my new sofa got covered in ick.
No offense, honey.
None taken.
Angela, please, i'm smiling because our daughter is about to have a baby.
Although we will have to replace that new sofa.
- Perhaps with the old sofa.
- I sooner get two canvas barcaloungers.
This doesn't even work.
Come on.
Hey, hey, sorry, sorry.
Sir, do you know your name? - Where am i? - You're at st.
Sebastian's hospital.
St.
Seb did you say Saint? Did you just say Saint? Oh, my god, you are a saint.
My wife is having a baby here.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
You bruised your coccyx pretty bad, and you might have herniated a disc.
That was some beating you took.
You're lucky that mail carrier found you when she did.
Yeah, real lucky.
I need to find my wife.
Please he-elp me.
Don't y.
We gave you an epidural for the pain.
In another 15 to 20 minutes, you won't feel a thing in your lower extremities.
I need to call my wife.
Oh, boy.
Where is Sam? He really should have been here by now.
Honey, don't worry.
I'm sure he's on his way.
In the meantime, how about I give you a nice foot massage? Oh, my goodness, Melly.
Your toenails, they're like talons.
Honestly, you could swoop in and catch trout with those things.
I had an appointment.
Dear, if you're not taking one of your famous naps, could you grab that? - Where the hell are you? - Is that Sam? - Honey, I'm here.
- Hi.
Where are you? I'm at the hospital.
I'm so sorry.
How are you? - Yeah, no, I'm super.
- Okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.
- I just need know what room you're in.
- It's room 216.
Okay.
You hang in there.
I'm on my way.
It's gonna be the best day of our lives.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Here he comes.
Baby, here I am.
You're not my baby.
Apparently, there's more than one saint hospital.
Cab! Cab! I really need your help Ashok.
- That's a really cool name.
- It's A-shok.
Thank you.
It means "without sorrow.
" That's great.
Okay, so I have a real problem.
My wife is having a baby right now, and I don't know the hospital.
Sir, your situation makes me very sad.
- I see no point in going on.
- There is a point.
Let's find a point.
We gonna do this together? We just need to drive around and find the hospitals that have Saint in them.
It's saint something.
Wait a minute, sir.
I am happy to tell you the only Saint hospitals are this one and St.
Ann's.
- I am filled with joy.
- That's awesome.
- Let's do it.
- I will not fail you.
I have failed you.
No, no.
You cannot blame yourself for the traffic.
How much further? Only three blocks.
Sir, it will be a great shame upon my name, but if I were you, I would just walk.
This ride is complimentary.
Good idea.
Thank you.
Feeling better anyway.
The medication's kicking in.
Wish me luck.
It's the epidural.
Sweetheart, I want you to lay down right here.
This is comfortable.
You think that's comfortable.
Why don't we put that in the living room.
- Where is Sam? I need him.
- Don't worry.
He's gonna make it.
- I don't think he's gonna make it.
- I can't do this alone.
But you're not alone.
We're here with you.
Are you? Because you guys have been fighting about your stupid sofa all day.
I timed your arguments.
They're six minutes apart.
- Oh, god, Dick, she's right.
- What are we doing? Our daughter's having a baby, and we're arguing over a stupid sofa.
Hell, we don't even need a sofa.
Well, we should have a sofa.
We're not japanese.
Guys! Honey, i'm sorry.
I am sorry.
And we are here with you 100%.
Okay, you just tell us what you need, and we'll get it.
What do you need? I'll go find him.
It's my son-in-law.
He's About six feet tall, early 30s.
Probably smashing into something.
I'm sorry, sir.
I haven't seen him.
He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.
That whole generation makes me sick.
They're all mouthy, selfish, and quite a bit lazy.
Hey, you don't actually need that wheelchair? You're gonna need the wheelchair if you keep asking me stupid questions.
- I made it.
- What the hell happened to you? Just some spinal anesthesia.
I didn't Miss the birth.
And you're not going to.
Come on get wheelchair.
I'm having a baby.
- Shoot, i'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- What for? - Here.
There we are.
- Thanks.
All right, we've got to get to the second floor.
My wheelchair! - Who's that? - It doesn't matter.
Hey, somebody stop those morons! Get in here.
- Sorry, old-timer.
- Hey, there.
- Hi.
- I'm Billy Wrubel.
Dr.
Royce is stuck in surgery, so I will be pinch-hitting for him.
Hope you don't mind? Could you just check me, please? Yeah.
What the hell? Let's take a peek here.
- Hey, can I please get an epidural? - No can do.
You are too far advanced.
- What? - So hang out.
We're gonave some fun.
But this really hurts.
If you can say it really hurts, it doesn't really hurt.
Later.
I'd like to break his legs.
See if that really hurts.
- How many centimeters is she? - I have no idea.
- What about her mucus plug? - I think that's enough talk for now.
- Can't this thing go any faster? - I don't think should.
- Tire burns! - Touch those wheels.
I think maybe I will run a little bit faster.
Shortcut! Can't stop! Can't stop! - My leg! - Get the hell off of me! - Where's Mel? - She's waiting for you.
What happened? He smashed into me.
It really hurts.
If you can say it really hurts, it doesn't really hurt.
Dick, you're.
Stop that.
Anyone? Is anyone there? I am.
- I'm here for you, baby.
- I knew you would be.
- Oh, god.
- Where were you? You know, you said you needed some time alone.
So no, no, no, i'm joking.
I I dropped the phone in the mail box and got blackjacked by a mail carrier and got an epidural.
And dragged myself three blocks to get here.
What? You got an epidural? That's not fair.
The doctor here won't even give me ice chips.
- What are you talking about? Okay.
- No, stay here.
Just breathe.
Just breathe, honey.
People, get in here! I need hot towels, I need ice chips, and I need a flashlight.
- Why would you need a flashlight? - Don't you.
Just get in here, man.
You're doing so good.
Do your thing.
You're doing so good.
She's so beautiful.
You were amazing, honey.
- You smell like chili.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
No, it's nice.
I'm starving.
All right, you should probably go get my parents.
No, let's have another minute, just the three of us.
- You can't move, can you? - It really hurts.
I can't believe a week ago this little monkey was inside of me.
She looks just like you.
- You want to hold her? - Sure do.
Yes, I agree.
She does look like Mel.
She gotcha.
But I see a little Sam in her too.
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