8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e16 Episode Script

Hey, honey.
Look at this stun gun.
It's able to incapacitate someone with a bone-rattling yet non-lethal burst of electricity.
You're not still fantasizing about punishing Kyle, are you? Why? Just because he cheated on my daughter with my other daughter? Never.
Do you think this thing could go through a snowboard jacket? Paul, have you ever heard the expression "Two wrongs don't make a right"? - Ooh! A crossbow! This is - Give me that.
Look, what Kyle did was wrong, but all teenage boys make mistakes.
Not all.
Paul, your yearbook quote was "Born to boogie.
" Hey, disco was not my mistake, it was the mistake of a nation.
Paul, I am really worried about the girls.
They are in uncharted territory here.
A fight like this could ruin their relationship for years.
- Don't you think you're overreacting? - Says the man with the crossbow.
I really don't think I'm overreacting.
Bridget won't even speak to Kerry anymore.
The silent treatment.
I like the sound of that.
Kyle kissed me.
I didn't kiss him.
Bridget, you can't hate me forever.
Yes, I can.
You stole my boyfriend, made me a laughingstock at school, and worst, you did it wearing my top! Mom! Dad! - Get them on your side.
- It was not my fault.
- It matter that you ruined my life? - If you'd pay attention instead of flirting with boys who wouldn't go out with you.
Yeah, right, Bridget.
I'm telling you, Cate, crossbow.
Crossbow, and the problem goes away.
Uh, Paul, could you hand me that bowl? Paul? I'm sorry, honey, did you say something? - You're wearing earplugs? - Yeah.
Turns out Bridget's not that great at the silent treatment.
I don't think you realize how difficult this is.
Hello, I'm wearing earplugs.
For the girls! Paul, Bridget is hurt and Kerry's confused.
I keep trying to get them to have a real conversation about it, and Ugh! I just don't know what to do.
I know what to do.
You're not killing Kyle.
Fine.
Let's do it your way and be there for them.
Rory, those jeans are a mess.
What? I'm taking you shopping.
I think I'm a little too old to go shopping with my mom.
Yeah, maybe.
But last time I gave you money for pants, you bought a surfboard.
- It was on sale.
- We live in Michigan.
Now.
Here.
We're trusting you with this money, all right? Don't worry, I won't spend it on anything stupid.
Hello, wet suits.
Good morning, Beach.
Bridge, I'm making mac and cheese for dinner tonight, your favorite.
That's the other girl's favorite, the backstabbing boyfriend stealer you force me to share a room with.
Honey, I'm here if you want to talk, 'cause I realize that you're really upset with Kerry.
- Kerry? Who's Kerry? - The backstabbing boyfriend stealer.
She knows, Rory.
She knows.
Oh, so I was just rubbing it in.
I'm going to Ashley's for support.
She went through the same thing.
Kerry kissed Ashley's boyfriend too? Man, she gets around.
Rory, stop that! Hey, Kerry.
I'm making mac and cheese tonight, your favorite.
- I hate mac and cheese.
- Really? Plus, I'm gonna go see a movie with Megan tonight.
Can you take me? I need to get some clothes.
- Yeah, sure.
- Rory, wait a minute.
- I'm making mac and cheese - It's not my favorite either.
OK, somebody here loves mac and cheese.
Who is it?! You.
Mr.
Hennessy.
You came after my family.
And nobody, I repeat, nobody comes after my family.
What, are you gonna have me whacked? Sir? What do you want? Kerry's not here.
Oh, and I don't have any more sisters.
Nice one.
- Bridget, we really need to talk.
- Ha! Talk to the hand.
No one does that anymore, Dad.
That's lame.
- Lame.
- OK, you want to talk? You're a slut, you jumped my sister, I never want to see you again.
Wow! We did need to talk.
Give me five minutes, that's all I'm asking.
Can you excuse us? Make it four minutes.
I'll be right upstairs.
- Is that your snowboard jacket? - Yeah.
Thin, that's good.
OK, talk.
You totally made me feel like an outsider at that party.
And then I ran into Kerry and she's, like, always an outsider, so I don't know, I guess we just bonded.
Bonded? Bonded is like, "You like that band? Me too" not "Hi, I'm dating your sister, let's make out.
" I swear, it didn't mean anything.
You kissed my sister.
My sister! - Some things can't be forgiven.
- Three minutes left.
Listen, I'm apartment-sitting for my brother.
I'll be here tonight if you want to stop by and really talk.
Don't count on it.
Man! Great time to get the apartment.
Cate, this was a spectacular dinner.
Great food, wine, candlelight.
Uh Happy anniversary.
Your surprise hasn't come yet.
Well, let's hope it gets here by July, when we were married.
Honey, I was just thinking, with the kids going out and no craziness for a while, we could have a romantic dinner.
And then, later, maybe in the words of Marvin Gaye, there could be some, uh Tears of a Clown? - Sexual Healing.
- Oh, right! Yeah.
No, Tears of a Clown was by The Miracles.
Actually, Smokey Robinson and The Miracles Paul, this would be a really good time to kiss me.
Oh, right.
It's Megan's sister.
Barf.
- Rory, let's go! - Just be home on time.
See ya.
Oh, by the way, one of my sources tells me that Kyle is staying at his brother's bachelor pad, - and he invited Bridget over tonight.
- What source is that, Rory? You hiding in the closet? I'm like a Navy SEAL.
Here's the address.
Well, so much for our romantic evening.
What do you mean? Aren't you going to obsess about Bridget going to Kyle's? You forget.
I saw the breakup.
Bridget ripped out Kyle's heart and stomped on it.
It was beautiful.
- This is really nice.
- I know.
Bridget broke up with Kyle.
All is right with the world.
Paul, romantic evening.
I made the damn dinner.
- Focus.
- Sorry.
You don't think Bridget's going over there tonight, do you? No, I don't.
Come on, honey, stop worrying.
Nothing's gonna happen tonight with Bridget or Kyle or Kerry.
Right.
Why'd you throw Kerry in there? - I did not - Kerry's the one he kissed.
Maybe she's going over there for a little Tears of a Clown.
- It's Sexual Healing.
- That's even worse.
I've been stressing about the girls all week.
Can't we have a little quality time before I stress about them again? It's a nightmare, both my daughters at some swinging bachelor's pad in a sleazy love triangle.
This is the worst Tears of a Clown I've ever had.
It just I'm going to finish the cake.
- Love you.
- Don't care.
And now, more episodes of your favorite television classics.
- # Come and knock on our door - # Come and knock on our door - # We've been waiting for you - # We've been waiting for you Kyle! Open up! I know you've got both my daughters in there.
Kyle! This place looks familiar.
What are you doing here? I should ask you the same question.
What do you mean? We live together.
- # Down at our rendezvous - # Down at our rendezvous # Three's company, too # Wait, wait, wait, let me get this straight.
The three of you live here? Uh-huh.
And you're our landlord.
I am? I hope so, or someone else is cashing our rent checks.
Let me tell you, no daughters of mine are living with this guy.
I'm packing your bags.
Wait, wait, wait! No, it's not what you think.
Is it, Bridget? Uh No Yes Uh Kyle - Kyle's gay.
- He is? I am? I mean, I am.
Very.
Oh, my, look at those drapes.
They're filthy.
Wait a minute! You expect me to believe that three single people are living under the same roof and nothing is gonna happen because he's gay? As crazy a premise as that sounds, yes.
I'll buy it.
I always knew you were a little tutti-frutti.
- Who is it? - It's Cate.
I'll get it.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Hi, Kyle.
- So there you are.
- What's the deal with that dress? I always wear these.
In fact, I never wear anything else.
Ever.
Guess what? Turns out Kyle's gay, so we don't have to worry about any hanky-panky going on.
Mmm.
I haven't worried about any hanky-panky since our honeymoon.
And even then, I didn't have to worry about much.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go water my plants and have black hair.
Oh, can you take a look at this light switch? It won't turn on.
You got the wrong man for that job.
Sure thing.
I'll fix it.
Thanks, it's so great to have a man around the house.
Get away from me! Cate, there is something weird going on with these three.
I'd like to do something weird with three people, especially if it involved my tennis pro and that bagger from the supermarket.
Wow, something smells good.
Thanks.
I made Kerry some homemade cinnamon buns.
She's been really down since her fern died.
That's so sweet.
I still think there's something fishy going on here.
Oh, you're always so suspicious.
Ooh, those are some great buns.
Ooh, Mama likes.
Shh.
Wow, they're so round and firm.
Why don't you go ahead and grab one? Kyle, I thought you'd never ask.
Mmm This is just what I've been needing.
Why don't we get Kerry in here? I've got enough for the both of you.
Just as I suspected.
Get your hands off those cinnamon buns.
They're fattening.
What's wrong? I just thought you were Fum fumfer Oh! You just overheard something and assumed it meant something else.
It was a misunderstanding.
That happens a lot around here.
No, no, no, I don't care.
There's something about this living situation that's a little too weird.
Well, what's so weird about it? Hola! Rory! This is Inga and this is Helga.
I just met them down at the Regal Beagle.
They're Swedish and they're twins.
Say hello, sisters.
I love it when they do that! Rory Kyle, what do you say we take these ladies out for a little night on the town? Why would Kyle be interested? He's gay.
Kyle? Gay? Are you kiddin' me? This guy's the biggest ladies' man in town.
- He's what?! - I'm afraid he's right.
I just acted like I was gay so I could have both of your daughters.
- Right, girls? - Right.
Kyle! Open up.
I know you're in there.
Mr.
Hennessy.
Before you come any closer, there's a letter at my house instructing the police to question you in the event of my death.
- Where's Bridget? - She's not here.
We broke up, remember? Then what is that? Bridget, get out here.
- Kerry? - Dad.
Kyle.
I have one question for you.
Are you gay? - No.
- Wrong answer.
I'll get it.
- Dad? - Bridget.
- Kerry.
- Kyle! - You are dead! - You are dead! - It's not what it looks like.
- It's not what it looks like.
Sweet.
This is better than my birthday.
- Rory, get in the car.
- Oh, man.
Give me this.
All right, I want somebody to tell me what is going on here.
Isn't it obvious? She came to finish stealing my boyfriend.
Right.
That's why I brought our little brother.
I didn't say you were good at it.
The reason I came here was to try and fix things between you and Kyle.
- Oh, please.
- Please stop shutting me out.
I can't stand you hating me.
Is she still here? Wait Kerry! I'm not through with you, and I'm following you home.
Kerry! - So, I guess - No, don't.
I just came here to give this back to you.
Now we're officially broken up.
Wow.
Well, I guess we both knew that was coming.
I don't think we should be exclusive right now.
Are we still friends? I hope so.
- So we can still hang out, right? - In a little while.
I just don't want anybody to get hurt.
- 'Cause I think we're mature enough - No.
My dad really wants to hurt you.
Let's go, Bridget! I gotta go.
Kids, do me a favor.
If your mom asks, I didn't go to Kyle's.
Tell her that I went to the store for some milk.
Right.
Mom, Dad didn't go to Kyle's.
He went out for milk.
Honey, you're up.
- That's mine! - No, it's not.
- It is.
- So I'm taking something that belongs to you.
That sounds familiar! This ends now! You two are making this house unbearable for all of us.
I'm kind of enjoying it.
Rory, wait in the car.
- But we're home.
- In the car! - Give it back, boyfriend stealer! - I have done all I can - Is someone talking to me? - OK, look.
You know you're gonna get over this, right? - I seriously doubt it.
- Really? Honey, do you remember that Merry Melanie doll - you had when you were little? - Yeah.
- I remember Kerry ripping its arm off.
- By accident.
And you swore that you would never speak to Kerry again.
Do you know how long that lasted? Three hours.
- It was just a doll.
- Right.
And one day you're gonna be saying that Kyle was just a boyfriend.
Now look, I know this is a huge deal right now.
But, the fact is, you're gonna have a lot of boyfriends.
Oh, that's true.
But you are never gonna have another sister.
Tears of a Clown notwithstanding.
Please, Bridget? Well, I guess I can't be mad at you forever.
Maybe it was partly my fault.
Maybe I was ignoring Kyle just to drive him away.
I just didn't think I'd drive him to my sister.
Well, honey, what did you expect, that he'd pine for you the rest of his life and die alone? Uh-huh.
It's a girl thing.
So are we OK? Yeah, I guess.
God, can you believe Dad barged into the house like that? - Did you see what he was wearing? - Look at those shoes.
He must buy them in bulk.
- So back to our romantic evening? - Yeah, in one minute.
- What now? - I gotta let Rory out of the garage.
Oh Rory! Ah, forgot my notebook.
Oh! Cate, I had another strange dream.
Cate.
Honey, you're not still upset because I ruined our romantic evening, are you? I always thought you were a little fruity.
Well, you better nip it.
Nip it in the bud! Cate.