Accidentally on Purpose s01e16 Episode Script

Oh, God! See, this is why I do not play basketball.
You fell running back from the souvlaki truck.
Davis, hurry up! - Yeah! Okay! I'm coming! Come on, I think there's some Band-Aids in the bathroom.
I don't know what that was, but it wasn't hummus.
Well, what do we have here? Hey, guys.
Zack, this is Nicole.
She's the best baby nurse in the whole city.
The couple she was supposed to work for just got indicted for fraud, so they don't need a baby nurse, 'cause their baby nurse is now the State of California.
Isn't that great? Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
What's a baby nurse? Oh.
She'll be spending the night with us for the first couple weeks to help us out.
And if she's not here, my mother will be here, so I don't think I need to finish that thought.
Oh, what happened to your knee? Oh, just, you know, sports injury.
Damn my extreme manly athleticism.
Oh, my God, it's really bleeding! Oh, okay, why don't I help you with that? Oh.
I also have a spider bite on my tushy.
She's so fantastic, I didn't even interview anyone else.
She just knocked it out of the park.
I've got a nursing degree from Cal, a long list of references, and for what it's worth, I think you're going to be a great mother.
And I'd never believe you are 37 You're hired.
What made you decide to do this? My mom called and she's like, "You're never going to be able to handle a baby.
" I'm like, "Are you calling me just to make me feel bad about myself?" She's like, "No, I'm calling to pay for a baby nurse.
" So I'm like, "All right.
I love you.
Bye.
" How's that? Perfect.
I'm telling you, Zack, she is our savior.
You and I have been doing things all wrong.
All wrong.
Like that changing table What's wrong with the changing table? I built that changing table.
Nicole said it's a death trap.
It's fine.
My mom used to change me on a hibachi grill.
She also said you'd make a sarcastic remark.
Did she say I'd make an obscene gesture? Some nurse lady I don't even know is in there baby-proofing.
You know how hard it is to take a pee in the middle of the night with a lock on your toilet? Dude, I can see how you might feel like she's encroaching on your turf, but you got to look at it like this, man.
She is hot.
I mean, what does a baby nurse even do? In the middle of the night, she squeezes Billie's breasts to get the milk out.
Are you ready, Billie? Are you kidding? This is my favorite time of night.
See? I feel like I should be consulted on who's squeezing Billie's breasts at night.
Well, I'm glad you're open to suggestion, because I would like to throw my hat into the ring.
I mean, come on, Zack, like you wouldn't have chosen Nicole.
No, I wouldn't have, man.
She's got the crazy eyes.
Remember that girl I dated a couple times last year Candy? Oh, Candy.
I miss Candy.
Well, this chick Nicole gives me the same crazy vibe that Candy did.
Oh, hey! Nicole, is it? Remember me from the bathroom? Knee's never been better.
I can kick, I can jump.
Ah! Hammy.
Dude, settle.
Come on, let's go to Furniken so we can return the changing table.
Oh, yeah, just give me an hour or two, and then I'll take it apart.
Oh, I did it already.
Took me, like, three minutes.
I love you.
I mean, thank you.
Oh, screw it.
I frickin' love you! So, Abby and Olivia are going to meet us at Furniken, 'cause Olivia has to pick out a present for her mom.
Ah, the whole day with just us girls? Maybe our periods will sync up.
Okay usually when we leave, you guys leave, so Who wants to race me to the door? Uh-uh, I don't think so, Mama.
It's March Madness, and you got the sports package.
I do not have the sports package.
What is he talking about? I bought it without asking you.
Imagine that.
All right, listen.
Stay away from Nicole.
Do not talk to her, do not accidentally grind on her as she walks by, and don't do that thing where you fake choke so that she has to give you mouth-to-mouth.
I was really choking.
You had an erection.
Everybody has that.
It's called a near-death erection.
Well, you're going to have another near-death erection if you bother Nicole.
Do not even think about it.
Ease up, brain sheriff.
I won't even think about it.
It's kind of hot in here.
Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
# I can't be anything without you.
# Oh, my God! Nicole packed me almonds.
"Don't forget your Kegels.
" Those are these exercises you do to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.
Yeah, you told me.
Makes your vagina bionic.
I'm going to go grab us a number.
Zack, get those chairs before the family gets in there.
That old lady looks tired.
Go, go! I need to buy my mum a birthday present.
What do you get an angry who has everything because she's also a kleptomaniac? Oh, well, I'm sure you'll find something, because you are in the right place.
Swedes are known for their festive kitchen items.
How do you know that? Oh, I love this place.
Ever since I bought my first Furniken cookie sheet, I have been fascinated with Nordic culture.
Did you know that Vikings invented nonconsensual sex? Oh.
If we estimate five minutes for every person in here, I'll be giving birth in this chair.
If my water breaks, I'm cutting in line.
Oh, this is great.
Much rather be here than watching basketball with my friends.
Okay, that's, like, the fourth snarky thing you've said in the last ten minutes.
And you're ruining the word "snarky" for me, 'cause here, a snarky is fried dough dipped in powdered sugar.
Look, I'm just kind of pissed about this whole Nicole thing.
At least you could've discussed it with me before you hired her.
I had to move fast.
There were other couples after her.
Okay, let me ask you this: What if you came home and found out that I had hired somebody to take care of something without asking you? Like, I don't know, a sex person.
"A sex person"? Yeah, you walk in and me and some girl are going to town on each other, and I look over to you and I say, "It's okay, Billie.
My mom's paying for this!" I would be happy that your mom was finally willing to pony up some money.
It's just, if you had included me, I could've told you that I had a gut feeling that something was wrong with Nicole.
Nicole is sweet and nurturing, and an excellent choice.
And my gut is three times the size of yours.
So, my gut is smarter.
Applesauce, milady? No, thank you.
I'm going to stick with water.
Mm! Oh.
I'm such a klutz.
You really work up a sweat baby-proofing.
Yes.
The ventilation is subpar.
So, who's playing? Uh, uh, Texas and Marquette.
Who you guys rooting for? I need Texas and Ryan needs Marquette.
So do you guys want to do a three-way? Whoa! Oh.
Uh That is so sweet.
Uh Uh, uh For legal reasons, I think we should clarify here.
Okay? Now, are you are talking about you having sex with the both of us at the same time? Yes.
Now, are you willing to sign something to that effect? Look, I'm going to go take a shower.
And if you're naked when I get back I'll know we're on.
Dude, what are you doing?! What are you doing?! When you roll with the big dog, this is the kind of stuff that happens! This has never happened to you.
I know.
I'm scared.
What do you think we should do? Relax, okay, we don't have to make any decisions yet.
But just to be safe, I'm gonna go hose down the undercarriage.
Yeah, that's a good call.
I'd love to get a new couch.
But Nick can't part with ours.
Our cat had kittens on it, and then a couple years later, Nick's grandmother died on that couch.
Why? Were you telling one of your fascinating stories? Someone's in a mood.
Think buying a gift for your mother is bringing some dark stuff up to the surface.
Every year, I buy her a gift, I send it off, and she finds some reason to hate it.
Well, then why do you keep doing it? Because she's my mum! Olivia? Olivia, come on, open the door.
No! I'm never coming out! Oh Hell's bells.
Yay! We're in the 120s.
Let's get everything ready.
Do you have the receipt? I thought you had it.
Crap.
Ricola.
Dry hair shampoo.
Button that exploded off my pants.
Condom? Oh, there you are.
Eight months too late.
Damn, I must have left it at the apartment.
- Zack! - What? Call Nicole.
Nicole taught me how to do that.
She's not picking up.
Oh, that's great.
Hey, Nicole, I was just calling to check on my baby, but you're not there, so maybe you sold it.
I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
I don't just jump to those conclusions, because unlike you, I have life experience.
Yeah, you're old; I got it.
I'm just saying, I know people.
And Nicole is a really good person.
Nicole's a really dirty person.
She's been in there a really long time.
Yeah, she's probably really soapy.
God, man, what happens if we, like, make eye contact? I was having some "Davis time" in the bathroom last week, made eye contact with myself in the mirror.
Mirror me looked at the real me and made this really disgusting face.
Neither of us stopped, though.
We both just powered through.
Now, whenever I catch myself in the mirror, there's this really weird hatred.
But also attraction.
It's very awkward.
Davis, man, there is a girl in there! Hello? Hey, dude, question.
Can you check the apartment, see if we left the receipt? Yeah, sure, no problem.
I have a question for you.
Uh, hypothetically speaking and by "hypothetically," I mean this is actually about to happen how would you feel about me and Ryan having a three-way with your baby nurse? That's not going to happen.
No, dude, it is! It was her idea.
You were right about her.
She is crazy.
Is it there? Oh, yeah, he found it.
I bet Nicole is the one who found it.
Tell him I'll be there in ten minutes.
Tell you what.
We never spoke about this, but wait about nine minutes and then give her the best two minutes of her life.
Before we go in there to do this threesome, we got to straighten something out.
If Nicole was like the state of California, do you see yourself spending more time up in San Francisco or down in San Diego? I see myself in Fresno.
What? Oh.
What the hell is going on here? Uh, uh Well, we definitely weren't going to have a threesome with your baby nurse.
I told you not to even think about it.
And by the way, my mom is from Fresno! I didn't think about it.
It was her idea.
We were just being polite, and we didn't do anything anyway, - because we're terrified.
- Yeah.
You expect me to believe that? My lovely, sweet, professional Nicole, who is working her fingers to the bone to make this space safe for my baby, actually propositioned the two of you? Are we gonna do this or Oh! Okay, couple of things.
One, is that my teddy? Two so that's what my teddy's supposed to look like.
And three, you are so fired, we need a new word for fired, but since fired is what you are, let's just go with "fired.
" Can I still put you down as a reference? Are you crazy? A little bit.
Oh, my God, I was so wrong about Nicole, and I made such a big deal about it with Zack.
Oh, my God, I'm never going to live this down with him.
Hey, how about we just keep this whole Nicole thing between us? Yeah, no problem.
I mean, you don't tell someone you almost went to Fresno.
Okay, whatever is going on between you and your mom has got to stop.
And we're going to call her right now.
There is no gift more valuable than a daughter's love.
It's 5:00 a.
m.
In Scotland.
So she'll just be getting back from the pub, or-or she'll just be arriving at the pub.
Either way, I'll call the pub.
I can't do it.
You talk to her.
Hello.
Is Mrs.
Hollenbeck there? Oh, hi.
This is your daughter Olivia's American friend Abby calling from America.
No, I can't light your cigarette through the phone.
What good am I? Anyway, uh, I understand you two have been having some difficult Well, it is my business, because she's my friend.
Yes, I do know that dirty word, and I don't appreciate being called that.
Okay, well, you can just take this phone and stick it in your pie hole, you half-witted leprechaun! So Mom says hi.
Oh.
- She was wearing your fancy teddy? - Mm.
If you were going to seduce two men in someone else's apartment, you should really bring your own lingerie.
I mean, that's just good manners.
That was my first decision as a mom.
And what did I do? I chose an impolite sex maniac with extremely low standards.
So, are you going to get a new nurse? No, I'm going to keep this baby inside of me where he is safe from my poor decision-making.
I've been working on my Kegels.
I'll just seal that sucker up.
I'm this big already I can go bigger.
I'll keep him in there till he's nine.
If I can go to nine, I can go to 18.
And once he's 18 I'll plop him out; he can make his own decisions.
So simple, I don't know why no one's ever thought of it.
What is it you're so worried about? That I'm going to be a terrible mom.
And then what is my kid going to think of me? Well, I can say with complete confidence that I recently spoke with one of the worst mothers on the face of the planet.
And this little pumpkin here comes every year to this store to get her a gift for her obscene, horrible, racist, drunken Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't forget cheap.
Cheap, sour hag of a mother.
And why does she do this? 'Cause I love my mum.
Because she loves her mom.
Okay, got the receipt.
A lot of traffic that's what took me so long.
Oh, and I let, uh, Nicole go.
Really? But she was so perfect.
What could have happened? You know, I did a lot of thinking, and I realized that I was wrong not to consult you in the first place.
It was hard for me, but I'm giving in this time.
So let's just say you owe me one.
Hey, I appreciate that, but she was great.
We should really go with her.
No, it's too late.
It's-it's done, no.
How do you know that? We should really give her a call before she gets - another job.
- She moved to Chicago.
Today? I know, weird, right? That's too bad, but I really think we should give her a call and have a conversation between the three of us.
You know like a three-way.
You ass! I think from now on, I should be involved in picking our baby nurse.
Yes, please.
Because I think my instincts about people are way better than yours.
Why do you say that? Well, you picked me, but I picked you.
Oh, my God, it's us! Coming.
Be there in a month.
Great.
This is a receipt from Arby's.
I like this table.
Me, too.