ALF s01e16 Episode Script

If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.
We don't have a whirling hot tub.
I know.
I'm going to improvise.
Any mail for me? No, sorry.
How about me? All of it.
But alf, i don't want you Joining any more record clubs.
Fine.
Before i forget, I need you to write a couple of checks.
One to greenpeace; The other to the auto club.
You're a member of the auto club? I like the magazine.
I'm not writing any more checks.
Fine, mine just came.
Oh, darn.
I ordered sunrise.
They sent me sunset.
Go take your bath.
Fine.
I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone.
I'm already covered through the auto club.
I just know he'll get hair in the drain.
He was wearing a shower cap.
Why was he carrying my mixer? He said something about a whirling hot tub.
Whoaaaa! Alf! Oh, my gosh! Alf? Are you all right? Alf? There must be some mistake.
I'm wayne schlegel; michigan life & casualty.
** Wayne schlegel? Michigan life & casualty.
Heh, heh, heh.
Pleased to meet you.
What is he talking about? I'm talking about your future.
I'm talking about an insurance plan That will fit your needs.
I think he's trying to sell us insurance.
Maybe the bump on his head Did something to his memory.
He seems okay, otherwise.
He just thinks he's wayne schlegel.
Michigan life & casualty.
He must have been reading this insurance stuff-- Please take one of our free calendars.
Thank you.
The metric tables-- Alf-- Wayne.
Wayne I think you should sit down.
Don't mind if i do.
What was your name, again? Kate.
And i'm lynn Tanner! Right.
Kate and lynn tanner.
Don't tell me.
You 2 are sisters, right? Heh, heh, heh.
I want you to stop this.
You are not an insurance agent.
You're an alien from the planet melmac.
Whatever you say.
The customer's always right.
If i can find my actuarial tables-- Alf, she's serious.
Don't you remember? Willie? What's that? Oh, my gosh.
It can't be! What happened to the lights? Daddy, what's that thing in the sky? What's going on? It's closing in fast.
I think maybe-- [ Crash .]
We we have a visitor.
Well? Offhand, i can think of several policies That cover roof damage.
Of course, since this is a preexisting condition, You couldn't claim it under a new policy.
We're not getting through to him.
What are we going to do? I don't know.
Just Don't sign anything.
We're back.
You must be mr.
Tanner.
Good guess umm, alf.
Wayne schlegel.
Michigan life & casualty.
What's going on here? Alf is an insurance agent.
You got a job? No, alf took a bad fall in the hot tub.
We think he lost his memory.
Oh, no.
But we don't have a hot tub.
That's good, willie, Because we don't cover hot tubs.
It is willie, isn't it? Yes.
We don't cover hot tubs.
We've been trying to snap him out of it.
Maybe we should call dr.
Jeff.
No, dr.
Jeff doesn't handle this kind of thing.
Who does? Dr.
Demento.
Alf-- Wayne.
Wayne.
Willie.
Alf-- You're not an insurance agent.
It's not that we have anything against them, But that's not what you are.
You're an alien.
I can't believe it! What do you think it is? A real alien! [ Kate .]
willie, what is it? Brian's right.
It's an alf.
What? An alf; an a.
L.
F.
That's short for alien life form.
Can alf stay in my room? No! This thing is not staying in anyone's-- It's not staying! Why not? E.
T.
Got to stay.
E.
T.
Was a movie.
This is real.
This is on our coffee table.
You people spin crazy yarns.
Heh, heh, heh.
Mind if i use your phone to call the office? Office? I seem to have forgotten my number.
It's right here on your card.
Let him call.
Maybe he'll realize he isn't wayne schlegel.
Hi, hon.
Wayne.
Yeah, i'm at 555-4044.
Any messages? Wayne, why do you sound so funny? Is your wife with you? No.
Good, then we can talk.
Where were you? I waited at the motel for over an hour.
Uh, i don't remember.
Listen, buster, if you think i'm waiting for you forever, You are out of your mind.
You ask for a divorce tonight, or we are through! Okay, okay! I'll ask for a divorce tonight.
Boy, you have a couple of drinks, A few laughs they think it's forever.
This has gone far enough.
You obviously haven't met brenda.
Neither have you.
You're not an insurance agent.
You don't know anything about insurance.
A few months ago, you didn't know anything about this planet.
[ Loud racket .]
It's the day before christmas! I've hidden all the eggs.
Alf, we hide eggs at easter, Not at christmas.
That's right, christmas is when we carve the pumpkin.
There's plenty to keep you occupied; Magazines, a jigsaw puzzle.
It's broken! You're supposed to put it together.
Why? I didn't break it.
Alf, want to go outside and throw the old frisbee? The old what? The old frisbee.
I'll show you how it goes.
I guess i'm not in the mood.
Let me see if i've got this reindeer thing straight.
There's dasher, dancer, Comet, cupid, Matthew, mark, luke and john.
No, it's prancer, dancer, Vixen, blitzen-- Huey, dewey, and louie.
No, those are ducks.
Then how do they pull the sled? Just keep your distance, And try to be considerate.
No problem.
That is not considerate! That is the opposite of considerate! That is inconsiderate! Now, isn't it obvious that you're not wayne schlegel? The only thing that's obvious, Is that your minds aren't on insurance.
Nobody likes to think about the inevitable, But you do have a responsibility to your family.
He's right, dad.
We don't need insurance.
And i hope you never do.
Knock wood.
But i'll leave some brochures.
You can call me when you're ready to talk.
By the way, willie, are you parked behind me? I don't think so.
Good.
Where did i put my coat? In fact, where did i put my pants? Oh, my god! I'm naked! To us, you aren't.
Okay, so you're free thinkers, But i'm not! I want my keys and pants, And i want to leave.
Don't let him! Oh! Out of my way, all of you! No! Oh, no.
First, you strip me.
Now, you're holding me prisoner.
I've heard about this happening to other insurance agents, But i never thought it would happen to me.
You can't keep me here! It's for your own good, wayne-- I mean alf! You're in big trouble, mister.
You're going to go to jail for this.
You may never get out! If you do, just try getting insurance! Please, please, alf.
Just try to calm down.
Maybe things will start coming back to you.
I don't want to.
I'm a high-Energy salesman.
How do you think i made the million dollar club? Look around you.
Doesn't any of this seem familiar? Is that what this is all about? Did i have an affair with your wife, too? [ Clock alarm .]
Morning.
Morning.
Hey, i'm sorry.
One thing just led to another.
No, no.
I think we can be reasonably sure, That that did not happen.
At first, the two of you, Didn't even really-- She detested you.
Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! Willie! Willie! What's going on? Nothin'.
Just screaming.
Move out of the way.
No problem.
Let me put it this way.
I don't think this is going to work out.
I'll take care of it.
Everything's fine.
Everything's under control.
[ Toilet flushing .]
Interesting concept.
So we straightened that out.
I didn't have an affair with your wife.
If you'll just give me my pants-- I can't let you leave.
If the plan is to hold me for ransom, You can forget about it.
My company has a policy Of not negotiating with terrorists.
We do, however, have some other policies You might be interested in.
In fact, i could set you up with a whole life-- How old are you? I'm 45.
Hmmm, we'd better act fast.
I could set you up with a whole life policy, To benefit you and your family for years to come.
Just think about this-- Hello, dr.
Schnegmeier.
Yeah, listen.
It seems a A houseguest of ours has come down with amnesia.
No, we can't bring him in.
Isn't there some kind of, you know, home remedy we can try? Breathing into a paper bag or-- What? What does he say to do? Hit him on the head with a rolling pin.
No, i don't think that's funny.
No, i don't watch the 3 stooges.
You're right, i should.
Listen, i think we'll try the hospital.
Yes, i'm sure he has insurance.
Bye-Bye.
Should i get the rolling pin? No.
We can't hit him on the head with a rolling pin.
At least we shouldn't.
We certainly can't take him to the hospital.
So we're stuck having an insurance agent Living in our laundry room.
Why does alf keep doing thinks like this? It's not like this is his fault.
He's like a 3 year old.
You have to keep your eye on him constantly.
So, how was the shower? What in the world? What are you doing in my dress? Sorry, i thought it was lynn's.
You've really done it this time.
Any semblance of faith or trust i had in you, is gone.
My jewelry box is missing! So are my good gold cuff links.
And my good watch! And my antique cameo! Where are they? Probably being pawned.
The police are here.
What'd you do, alf? Sure, blame the guy in the dress.
Don't make a sound.
Stay right here.
And take off that dress! All right, but i warn you, I'm not wearing anything underneath.
Willie, my man, i've gotta tell you, This thing flies like the wind.
Where are you? What happened? I don't know.
All i did was turn the engine on, And before i knew it, i was on the freeway.
What freeway? The one headed for oxnard.
[ Horn honking .]
nice move, buddy! Yeah? You're another one! Alf, pull off the road.
Pull the car off the road.
I can't.
I'm in the fast lane.
Although, you'd never know it by the way these clowns drive.
Come on, lady! This ain't a parade! Don't yell at other drivers.
They'll see you.
No way.
I'm driving too fast.
Hey! Ever hear of a turn signal? Alf, listen.
Look at the road signs.
Locate exactly where you are.
Well, i just passed a motel 6.
Hey, they're having a beekeepers convention.
[ Buzzing .]
ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Gotta go! Hold this wire while i turn on the juice.
You know, that's my short wave Radio! Do you know how long i L-O-O-Ng.
It took me 10 years to put that thing together.
I'm glad you haven't wasted your life.
First the phone now, the radio.
What about the phone? You're on it all the time.
First, i can't use the radio.
Now i can't use the phone.
What next? The curling iron, your toothbrush? You use my toothbrush? The green one, right? It was.
William tanner? Yes.
I've got a delivery from the terry faith company.
Hold it, just a minute.
I'm not signing anything! No signature is necessary.
This was paid for over the phone.
I'll be back with the rest, When i get a bigger truck.
Keep the faith.
$4000.
Yep, that matches my total.
Alf, how were you able to purchase $4000 of makeup? Plastic! I put it on your visa.
Incidentally, you're over your limit.
[ Bang .]
[ Bang .]
Whoaaaaa! Grease fire! Alf! Oh, no! [ Alf .]
never mind the curtains, put me out! Well, we did get new curtains.
The other curtains were new curtains.
Maybe we can get wayne to give us alf insurance.
Before we moved offices, We must have only had 12-- We were literally packed in there like sardines.
Boy, that place was so small, I had to go into sadowsky's office To change my mind.
Heh, heh, heh.
Where are you going with that? I thought mr.
Schlegel might want a snack.
Heh, heh, heh.
In our new place-- By the way, did i give you my card? In the new place, the traffic flow is much better.
And we've got a men and a women's restroom.
Yeah, well, the underwriters are pretty happy about that.
They sure are.
I've never seen them so-- Are you listening, willie? [ Knock knock knock .]
You know, i liked you better as an alien.
You were annoying, but you were never boring.
Oh, hi, brian.
I brought you a snack, mr.
Schlegel.
At least somebody has compassion! What is this junk? Your favorite food.
Doughnuts and brownies.
What are you trying to do, kill me? I'll have you know, i've got a delicate stomach.
[ Burp .]
Nice meal, kate, Even though the portions were extremely small.
I'm sorry we had only one pot roast.
While you two get these holidays straightened out, I think i'll just go make breakfast.
Not necessary-- I already made breakfast.
Sloppy joes and fiberglass.
There's hair in this tuna fish.
I like it.
He must be hungry.
He didn't even say grace.
Grace.
There something wrong? You didn't eat all the cat food, too, did you? No way! I draw the line at intestinal by-Products.
Take this food away, son.
I'm not eating until you let me go.
What am i going to do? I know-- What if i-- What if i show you a mirror? All right, maybe i need a shave.
Is this the face of an insurance agent? Yeah.
All right, i'm no burt sadowsky, But burt sadowsky's not in the million dollar club.
You're not an insurance agent.
You're an alien.
Can't you see that? Listen, willie, What do you want from me? You obviously don't want a policy.
I want you to get your memory back.
Is that it? Okay-- Hey, hey, it's coming back to me now.
It's like a veil being lifted-- I'm-- I'm an alien.
Yeah, that's what i am.
I'm from the planet uh, milsap.
Melmac! Fine.
Can i have my pants now? You're not going to leave here! Hey, we had a deal! I'm sorry.
You're just going to have to trust me.
It's far too dangerous for you out there.
We've received an anonymous tip, That you might be harboring a space creature.
A space creature? Yes, hairy About 3 feet tall.
Is he considered dangerous? Hard to tell until we get it in the lab.
What would you do if you did get him, You know, in the lab? The usual battery of tests.
We'll see how it responds to intense heat, Freezing cold, High voltage, toxic substances, Pain, sleep deprivation, Inoculation-- That's needles.
And of course, dissection.
Why don't you just Pull its toenails out? You didn't let me finish.
I know what that is.
It's an anteater.
You sure? It's against the law to shoot them.
You can shoot anteaters! [ Spits .]
Whatever he is I'm going to butcher him.
[ Gasp .]
Why do you always get to do it? Because you usually mutilate all the good meat.
I'll get the chain saw; you make the salad.
[ Grunt .]
Trevor, is there such a thing As a cross between a kangaroo and an aardvark? Aw, stop putting yourself down.
I'm not talking about me.
I'm talking about that thing staring at me from that window.
What? I don't see nothin'.
It was there a second ago.
I think it was shaving.
Yeah, right.
And i'm sean penn.
[ Gasp .]
Let's see if i'm following this.
There are people out there who want to hurt me, So you're protecting me By locking me naked in your bedroom and feeding me sugar.
Something like that.
I'm going to find kate and see if she's found help for you.
See if she can find any help for you! It's obvious i'm not going to make this sale.
I'm not getting anywhere.
Did the doctor give any advice? Yeah, but it didn't help.
Mrs.
Ochmonek has my rolling pin.
Isn't there a psychiatric hotline we could call? Yes, 555-8533.
I memorized it when alf moved in.
Oh, sorry, alf.
What are you doing on the phone? Ha! Your goose is cooked now, bucko! I've called the police! Heh, heh, heh.
He's called the police.
I can't believe you called the police.
Believe it, pal.
What goes around comes around.
What are we going to do when the police come? Why don't you tell them that they're aliens And then take their clothes.
Look who took whose clothes! You don't know the mistake you just made! You're the one making a mistake, Tangling with a man from [ In unison .]
michigan life & casualty.
Now the cops are going to lock you up.
You'll get a taste of being a prisoner.
I already know what that's like, thanks to you! I can't believe alf used your shortwave to call the president.
Shhhh! I don't know what happened.
All i know is somebody used my radio.
Now i'm a criminal, and they're going to hang me.
Willie I don't think they hang people anymore.
They think i'm a threat to national security; A terrorist.
Kate, i'm not a terrorist.
Honey, i know that.
I'm not going to prison.
I saw "midnight express.
" Remember? They made him eat bugs.
That was "papillon.
" In "midnight express" they broke his feet.
I stand corrected.
How about "stir crazy?" That wasn't so bad! That was a comedy.
Willie, stop.
You have to tell the truth.
Of course the truth.
I'll just explain.
An alien took control of my radio.
"Why would he do that?" They'll ask.
I'll say, "because i wouldn't let him use the phone.
" So you were an ex-Con.
Then, you're familiar with your miranda rights.
I'm not the one who's going to jail here, buddy.
You're not my buddy! You're not my buddy! But you could have been If you hadn't taken my pants.
[ Phone rings .]
Hello? It's for wayne schlegel.
Hello.
Wayne? Wayne, i'm sorry i lost my temper.
But you see, tubby had just come in And dumped a stack of workmen's comp files on my desk.
Then, he had the nerve to ask me to alphabetize them.
I guess i took it all out on you.
Look, honey-- I pressured you, and i'm sorry.
I know that wasn't part of our arrangement.
Look, if i have to share you, so be it.
There's enough of wayne schlegel to go around.
Let's just pretend it never happened.
I'll meet you in our usual place in half an hour, okay? I'd love to, but i can't.
I'm being held hostage here.
Sure, just like when you had to go to sweden To accept the nobel prize.
We are through, mr.
Schlegel! In fact, right after i finish alphabetizing these files, I'm going over to your house to tell your wife everything.
Good-Bye, wayne schlegel! No! Hello? Hello? [ Breaking glass .]
I've just lost a perfectly good marriage, thanks to you.
Not to mention a fantastic Hey! Secretary! What are we going to do? Let's look at our options.
We have no options! The police are going to search our house For a kidnapped insurance agent named wayne schlegel.
Michigan life & casualty.
I thought we didn't have a wayne schlegel.
We don't.
Instead, we have an alien from outer space.
They'll have to be content with that.
We're just going to give up? Is that what you're saying? It looks like we have no other choice.
That's very sensible of you.
I'll tell the judge i was treated very well.
I'm not going to give up.
Look, alf-- Wayne.
No, you're alf! I'm lynn.
We're friends.
Don't try to strike an independent deal.
Don't you remember how close we were? Oh, alf.
What are we going to do with you? I guess you'll just have to love me For as long as it lasts.
We will.
You even wrote me a rock song! I'll play the video for you.
I'm against rock videos! They contribute to the delinquency and destruction Of the family unit.
This video hasn't done that.
Not yet, anyway.
[ Rock music .]
* take a look at me * * and tell me what you see * * just another pretty face * * someone from out of town who came to hang around * * and look a little out of place * * you say you wonder what on earth i'm doin' here * * i'm only here to tell you, girl * * i may be an unknown from the twilight zone * * but you're the one who's out of this world * ** * you're the one who's out of this world * * sweet baby, you're the one who's out of this world * * a spinnin' in an orbit i ain't never fit in * * 'cause you're the one who's out of this world * ** * you're the one who's out of this world * * sweet baby, you're the one who's out of this world * * i'm spinnin' in an orbit i ain't never fit in * * 'cause you're the one who's out of this world * ** * you're the one who's out of this world * * sweet baby, you're the one who's out of this world * * i'm spinnin' in an orbit i ain't never fit in * * 'cause you're the one who's out of this* * you're the one who's out of this* * you're the one who's out of this world ** ** I admit some of those guys look like me, but They don't just look like you, they are you! That is you! Yeah, right.
Anything else you want to tell me, Before they haul you off to jail? Alf, you made me that video Because you cared about me.
You thought you loved me.
Loved you? I'm married.
I just can't think of my wife's name right now.
You are not married.
You live with us.
You are a part of our family.
We are not harboring any space creatures! Fine, thank you.
Have a nice day.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah, thanks mom.
I love this woman.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, dad.
Thank you, son.
Many more, dad.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Thank you, alf.
Thank-- Oh-- Whoa! Not bad.
Still waters run deep there, william.
So i'm part of the family, huh? Then tell me-- What side does this nose come from? Ha! That's alf's laugh! Whoa, where did that come from? You're not a blood relative.
You're a part of our family because, Because of the way you've affected our lives.
Made them more interesting.
Unique.
Fun.
Bizarre.
I'm going into a trance now.
Ummmmmmm.
Mmmmmmmm.
Haaaaaa.
You don't have to make rude noises.
That's all right.
I don't mind.
Come here.
Listen to this.
Let me know when this gets irritating.
[ Loud high-Pitched warble .]
Now! Now! It's irritating almost at once.
Let me see what willie's got in his coat? Oh my gosh, it's somebody's hand! Shhhh! It's a glove.
We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to.
Cutting roses to look like radishes.
Making pât? Good pât? Too.
What's in it? Let me guess-- Lobster, sour cream, But there's something else.
Playdoh.
That's it.
The fluorescent kind-- I wanted it to be special.
I'm going to go brush my teeth.
Oh, gross! What is that? It's a slimeball.
Alf! I know what you're going to say.
I shouldn't bring treats to the table Unless i have enough for everyone.
Well, we're in luck.
No we're not.
You sure? There's a surprise in the center.
Where did you get those? Melmac.
I usually buy wild cherry, But all they had left was slug.
** [ piano blues music .]
* i just checked into the parasite hotel * * they ain't got a porter or a bell * * i checked into that parasite hotel * Alf.
Oh, i'm sorry.
Was i playing too loud? I didn't know you could play the piano.
Well, i was winging it.
It's tough to play without the red keys.
You should leave this for a qualified repairman.
Well, mr.
Smarty-- It's mr.
Science.
For your information, i've located the problem.
There's no power going into the high-Voltage transformer.
Hey, you want power? That would help.
Your call.
[ Electrical explosion .]
Willie, it was an accident.
An accident! You almost killed me, And you say it was an accident? All right, let's call it a mistake.
so the droid says to the kranvall, "To tell you the truth, i'd feel better if she Lived another Ha! Ha! Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, yeah! [ Hysterical laughter .]
I think that really was a good one.
I guess you had to be there.
I was! Ha! Ha! I'll tell you my favorite droid joke-- Wait what's a droid? You're remembering! Alf, you are in there! He's starting to remember! It must be working.
Quick.
Let's remind him of other things, like The time you washed dad's camera in the washer.
Or the time you waxed the driveway.
Or the time you built the termite farm in the attic.
Hey, hey, i heard it was the food of the future.
You do remember! No! I don't even know why i said that.
You're getting me all confused.
You're brainwashing me! We just want our alf back.
Why are you so hung up on this guy? He seems like nothing but a pain in the neck.
Well, not entirely.
Why do you think we were so upset About you calling the police? It's not because we were afraid of getting caught.
It's because we were afraid of losing you.
I don't want to lose you, alf.
You're my best friend.
Come on, brian.
Give us a hug.
Oh, alf.
Happy birthday, kid.
I love you.
Yeah, me too.
Well, i'm in the wind.
Ciao.
Arrivederci.
Good-Bye.
And good night, mrs.
Ochmonek, Wherever you are.
You missed your ride! Yeah, i guess i did.
He's staying! Alf's staying! You gave up rhonda for us? Ah, she'll only want me more after a couple of centuries.
Aren't you going to miss her? Yeah, but uh, I guess what it boils down to is I'd miss you more.
You love us that much? Yeah, i guess i do.
We love you, too, alf.
We really do.
Let's not get maudlin! Welcome home Alfmeister.
What is that scratching noise? What scratching noise? It's coming from your suitcase.
What suitcase? Lucky, you bad boy! What are you doing in there? I told him, no suitcase! Aw! Why would i put a cat in a suitcase? On a dinner plate, i could understand.
Breast of cat-- Wait a minute! That's crazy! But it does sound tasty.
Yo, kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes? Why? The cat won't fit in the toaster.
Cat hairs.
Oh, i'm so embarrassed.
Persian '78.
[ Sniffing .]
Could be a '79.
Your eyelids are getting heavy.
You are getting sleepy.
You are no longer a cat.
You are a bagel.
Hey! You scared me.
You ought to wear a bell.
What's going on here? I was ah teaching lucky to tell time.
[ Cat screeching .]
He's quick! I'll give him that.
No! It's not true! Brian, go get lucky! All right, syllogism: Insurance agents do not eat cats.
I am an insurance agent.
Therefore, i do not eat cats.
You do! I don't! Right now, i could walk over to that refrigerator, Grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, A little mayo, and slap together a b-L-T.
Bacon, lucky and tomato.
Yeah, i could do that.
But i won't.
Why is that? Because They trust me.
But don't get too comfortable.
I don't know anymore! Maybe i do, maybe i don't eat cats! I don't know! Lucky grrrrrr.
It worked! He's back! What about my back? Yep-- He's back.
Are you okay? What do you remember? Let's see the last thing i remember Is this big flash of light.
I smiled, because i thought someone was taking my picture.
That's about it.
Oh, and also, that term insurance Is cheaper than whole life.
Well, it's a start.
[ Knocking .]
Oh, my gosh, it's the police! Now what did you guys do? I swear, if it's not one thing with this family, it's another.
Hey, what am i doing in this cheap, polyester suit? Come on, alf.
You'd better go.
Fine.
If you need me, i'll be in the whirling hot tub.
Okay, thanks.
Good news.
We located wayne schlegel.
He was in the hospital.
His wife got to him first.
We'll have to go visit him.
I'm glad we got that cleared up.
I knew it had to be a practical joke.
Sorry we had to search your home.
I'm sure you understand.
I'll send you one of our safety brochures.
Remember, 33% of all accidents happen in the home.
That number goes up when you live with an alien.
Is the heat gone? Yes.
I hope you remember what he said About misusing appliances.
No, i was hiding in the dryer.
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