American Dad s01e16 Episode Script

##[Marching Band.]
## [ Singing .]
## [ Continues .]
## [ Chorus Singing.]
- [ Air Horn Blaring .]
- Francine, it's 5:58! - Two-minute dinnerwarning.
- Dad, you can't treat Mom like a- - [ Blaring .]
- Sorry, Hayley, my finger slipped.
- I said you can't just- - [ Blaring .]
That's odd.
I guess this'll just have to wait - until I don't have an air horn in my hand.
- Fine! Stifle myvoice, butyou can't stifle my thoughts.
- Ooh, a secret diary! Let me see! - Hey, this is private! There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary.
It ended badly.
But enough about Fran Drescher.
[ Laughs .]
You thought I was making a Holocaust joke! Shame on you! Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times! - No smoking in the house! - And I told you it's menthol.
So it's healthierthan an apple.
- Dinner is served.
- What the hell is that? - It's lasagna.
- Lasagna is Thursday night.
Tuesday is casserole night.
Havewe lost two days? [ Gasps .]
- Did my experiment work? - [ Rattling, Chiming .]
No.
I just wanted to try something different.
We will not be eating Thursday dinner on a Tuesday.
This meal is canceled! [ Growls .]
- So did you throw out the lasagna? - No.
I just have to find a way to make it taste fresh on Thursday.
But tonight is LeftoverWednesday.
So I have to make a casserole that tastes like I made ityesterday.
[ Sighs .]
If I stay in this rut it won't be long until it's Head-In-The-Oven Friday.
[ Gasps .]
Linda, look! It's the Ladybugs! Wow! For housewives, those Ladybugs really have it all.
A fast-lane life anda slow-motion walk.
Ugh.
They're snobs, Francine.
- A girl would have to be pretty desperate to wanna associate- - Christie! Remember me? Francine.
Ohh, how I wish I could peel offyour skin, put it on and beyou.
I mean, hi.
Oh, Francine! No time to think of an excuse to not chat with you.
The Ladybugs and I are buying crudités for a charity art auction tonight at Boo! - Ah! - That's the name ofthe gallery.
- Ah? - No, Boo! - Ah! - Ugh, please.
- Doyou even know what an art gallery is? - To be fair, Casey galleries rarely advertise in the PennySaver.
## [ Oriental Flourish .]
[ Ladybugs Laughing .]
Hey, Linda.
Wanna go to that art auction? We can't.
It's our biweekly puzzle night.
We are this close to finishing that covered bridge.
- But wouldn't it be fun to mix it up a little? - You're right.
Let's do the rest ofthe puzzle without looking at the box! Flying blind! Whoo! -[Dog Barking.]
- [ Spectators .]
Oh, my gosh! - [ Gasps .]
- Move along.
Nothing to see here.
Just a woman crushed to death by a runaway train of shopping carts.
Huh.
Or is that something to see? What shall we do about the dog? Turn it over to her next ofkin? - Seems like a lot of paperwork.
- No, stop! I'll take that dead woman's dog.
Finally, I have someone to play Frisbee with.
[ Dog Barking .]
[ Grunts .]
Good dog! [ Both Laughing .]
Ach! Hayley's diary is delicious.
Listen to this.
"I've been so busy studying feminist theory "I've never stopped to ask the most important question ofall- - 'Am I pretty enough for a man?"' - She has feelings! [ Both Laughing .]
- What areyou doing? - Hayley, good.
You're here.
- I caught Steve red-handed.
- Why, you- Look, I'm just reaching out toyou.
Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot? [ Laughing .]
[ Pained Cries .]
- [ Crashing.]
- Let me out! - What ifl have to pee? -[Pounding.]
No.
No, no.
No! [ Clock Ticking.]
I love these lazy afternoons on the couch with you.
- [ Barking .]
- What the hell is that? This is Fussy.
His ownerwas killed, and he needs a home.
No way, Francine! We're Smiths.
And Smiths have manly dogs.
This dog couldn't be any more effeminate, even ifit had 20 vaginas.
And then it would just be a freakish mutant or a beautiful symbol offertility.
- But- - Forget it, Francine.
We already have something girlie and annoying in this house.
It's called Roger.
All right, fine.
But ifyou don't wanna keep him, you have to find him a home.
- Got it.
- Heaven doesn't count.
Oh, fine.
- [ Barks .]
- Hey! I need that to shoot people! - [ Gunshot.]
- Oh, for the love-You're holding it all wrong.
Welcome back to A.
M.
Pet Party.
Thanks forwaking up with us.
I'm glad we're not the only ones up at this ungodly hour.
Hey, this show is gonna pay off our kitchen counters.
You mean your kitchen counters? I wanted granite.
Anyway, today Stan Smith is trying to find a new home for his little friend.
- That's right.
This is Fussy.
- Has he had his shots? - Sure, why not? - Well, hello, handsome.
Aren'tyou a sweet- - [ Barks, Growls .]
- Aaah! Oh, God! - No! Don't useyour teeth! He hates that! - Ohh! Ohh! - Whoo-ooh, ooh-ooh.
- Well, this worked out.
See ya.
Francine, why are you dressed so nice? Those chicks from The View aren't gonna burst in here and give me a TV makeover, are they? I'm going to an art gallery.
I'm trying to make a good impression on the Ladybugs.
So, no makeover? Ifthey like me, it's good-bye boring routine hello exciting charity events social functions and book clubs where we just get drunk and complain about our husbands' lack ofinterest.
What now? I'm sorry.
I wasn't paying attention.
[ Laughs .]
Not- Not even a little.
[Doorbell Rings .]
- [ Panting .]
- So, you survived the perils ofthe urban jungle madeyourway back toyour master and apparently taughtyourself to use the doorbell.
Impressive.
You've earned a warrior's death.
Yuck.
I gotta clean up my orifices.
They're all gunked up.
- Stan, where is your toothbrush? - Damn it, Roger! - I'm sick ofyou and your disgusting habits! - [ Growls, Barks .]
Arrgh! Not my butt! Arrgh! Uh, smart dog.
Change of plans- Fussy stays.
Oh, shame to waste this.
Well, I suppose there's always eBay.
Yes.
I'll kill the enemies I made on eBay.
- Hello.
Welcome to Boo! - [ Cries Out .]
Miss! Your ticket! You can do this, Francine.
You know a lot about art.
[ Gasps .]
There they are.
- Miss, uh, you forgotyourvalet ticket.
- [ Gasps .]
Oh! My dress! I'll never impress the Ladybugs now.
There goes my one chance to spice up my life.
Please don't tell my boss, ma'am.
I really need this job.
I am so poor I cannot even afford pants with a zipper that stays up.
- [ Shrieks .]
- [ Clucking .]
And please don't tell anyone we have cockfights here.
Well your cock really did a number on my hair.
- Francine! - [ Zipping .]
It seems you have more in common with us than we thought.
- I do? - The real reason we Ladybugs get together is to compare notes on our affairs.
I'm sleeping with my tennis pro, my gardener and I'm letting the neighbor boy watch when I go to the bathroom.
And you're clearly doing the valet.
Oh.
Oh, n-no.
I- You are having an affair, aren'tyou, sweetie? Yes! I am cheating on my husband! Welcome to the Ladybugs.
Well, Christie, Hector can't buy me diamonds on his valet salary.
But he makes up for it in otherways.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, yeah.
Like a horse.
He loves carrots.
Um, sure.
I can bring some love letters to our lunch.
- Okay.
Toodles.
- [ Beeps .]
Hmm.
"My darling, Francine.
"I can't stop thinking about our hot romantic weekend in - Epcot Center.
" - Morning! - No, I'm not writing anything.
- Oh, there's the newspaper.
Fussy loves "The Boondocks.
" - It's really the only thing we fight about.
- Hey, dumb ass! - Where are the chips? - I spent your snack budget on Fussy's treats.
- [ Gasps .]
How dare you? - [ Growls .]
- Arrgh! Arrghhh! - [Barking.]
- I love you, Fussy.
- [Barking Continues .]
[Steve .]
Let me out, or I'll rip up allyour clothes! Go ahead! Ifyou haven't noticed, I only wear this one outfit.
Ifwe stay in here any longer, I'll go mad.
- Mad, I tell you! - Pull yourselftogether, man! We still have hope.
And they can't touch that.
Klaus, doyou know how long it's been since I've seen a woman? [Klaus .]
You've got a prettymouth.
This place is so fancy.
Okay, ladies.
Show-and-tell.
Hector's underwear.
He had to leave them behind when Stan came home early one day.
My husband is always coming early.
## [ Oriental Flourish .]
Okay, next we have some flowers, some love letters he wrote this oven mitt that he won in a sex contest.
[ Ladybugs Enthusing .]
I think it's clear who this week's winner is.
- Brava, Francine.
- I'll try to keep doin' ya proud.
Sweetie, ifyou're gonna keep doing anything - it should be that valet ofyours.
- ## [ Oriental Flourish .]
- Well, you know, I- - ## [ Oriental Flourishes Continue .]
- ## [ Continues .]
- [ Gong Resounds .]
## [ Continues .]
- They've sm uggled a nuclear weapon into our country and- - Hey, everyone.
Sorry we're late.
Fussy had to make a sissy tinkle.
- [ Whimpering .]
- Smith, I have a mission foryou- the most exciting mission ofyour career.
- Sorry, sir.
It wouldn't be responsible - [ Whimpers, Growls .]
to take risks now that I have someone who depends on me.
- Your family? - Sure, sure.
Send them.
- I love it! - Francine.
Linda.
Sorry I missed our puzzle night.
- I- I was, um- - Puzzles? What areyou, a baby? A babywhose nanny dresses her like crap.
- [ All Laughing .]
- Francine? Oh, okay.
I get it.
By the way, under that covered bridge in our puzzle- [ Voice Breaking .]
there was a family of ducks.
[ Weeping .]
I just thoughtyou'd wanna know.
Of course.
Thoseyellow pieces! - Linda, wait! - Forget her.
Nowyou need an outfit, honey.
'Cause we're going clubbing with our boy toys tonight.
Soyou had better bring yourval-la-la-la-la-la-lay.
Myvalet.
Uh, right.
- ##[Oriental Flourish .]
- I farted.
Not a Frito, not a Newton.
Neither Fiddle nor Faddle.
What's this? Lady Barkingston's Bacon-Flavored Dog Scones? - [ Treats Rustling .]
- [ Crunching .]
- [ Growling .]
- Oh, God! The gypsywas right.
This is how it ends.
[ Groans .]
Oh, now that I smell like bacon, you like me, huh? Wait.
I can use this to screw with Stan.
- [ Panting .]
- Yes, I can.
Yes, I can.
Little bastard.
Okay, calm down.
It's not cheating.
It's just acting.
Acting's not that hard.
Renée Zellwegerjust makes it look hard.
- Francine, haveyou seen my darling little num-num-num? - No, I haven't.
- Bye.
I'm going out.
- What's this? "My darling, Francine.
I can't stop thinking about our hot romantic weekend.
" [ Gasps .]
You're cheating on me! [ Gasps .]
Stan, I can explain.
Fussy, how could you? And with this! Ooh.
Look at me.
I've given myself a whore's bath with your dog.
Come near him again, I swear to God, I'll kill you.
- I want out ofthe Ladybugs.
- [ Ladybugs .]
What? - [ BoyToys .]
What? - I'm sorry, girls.
But I was never even having an affair.
But don't worry.
I'll keepyour secrets.
[ Grunts .]
You have dirt on us.
We need dirt on you.
You have 24 hours to bed another man, or there will be serious consequences.
We wouldn't wantyou to end up like poor Anne Fleming.
Anne Flemming.
Herewe go.
- [Whirring.]
- [ Screams .]
Doyou mind? I'm doing important research! Some people.
Hmm.
- You're being generous, Marvin.
- [Mouse Click .]
Okay.
I'm safe in this house.
The Ladybugs can't get to me in here.
That's funny.
I've never burned a shirt before.
Oh, my God! [ Gasps .]
They replaced my cumin with coriander! - [Engine Starting, Revving.]
- [ Tires Screeching .]
- [Phone Ringing.]
- Leave me alone! As you can see, we can get to you, your family and your seasonings.
Think about that ifyou're considering not cheating on Stan.
Oh, and, Francine, I'd skip vacuuming today.
##[Whistling.]
- Roger, no! - [ Explosion .]
- [ Screams .]
- Roger! - [Bell Dings .]
- [ Shrieks .]
My roast! Stan, help me.
I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs.
They found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me.
A cult of murderous housewives.
Before 9/1 1, I wouldn't have believed it.
Or at least I'd askyou some follow-up questions.
But that's just not the world we live in anymore.
I'm so sorry I pretended to cheat on you.
I don't know what to do! [ Sobbing .]
Don't worry.
I'll protectyou.
You and the kids are the most precious thing in the world to me and- - [Barking.]
- [Roger.]
Oh, Fussy, what's this? A gift certificate to the day spa? What's the occasion? "Just because"? Oh, you must love me more than anyone.
- [Thudding.]
- Stan! Oh, fine! Ifyou love that dog so much, why don't you marry- [ Gasps .]
- Please, I need help! - Okay, calm down.
- Have a seat, Francine.
- [ Sighs .]
Thankyou so much.
I- How did you know my name? Mister Editor, I have a story the public needs to know! Talk to my assistant.
Listen up! My doggie is licking my roommate more than me.
Dogs have a pack mentality.
You need to show him you're the alpha male.
Hmm.
- Save it for showtime, kid.
- [Loud Crash .]
- [ Grunting .]
- [ Groans .]
Ah! What the hell? You see that, Fussy? I'm the alpha male! Ah! Aargh! Oww! - [ Yelling, Screaming .]
- Love me! [ Gasps .]
[ Hyperventilating .]
They're everywhere.
They're coming to get me! I wonderwhere she found that top.
I mean, no! - Help! They're trying to kill me.
- All yours, ladies.
- Why areyou doing this? - I like helping people.
[ Screaming .]
- [ Groans .]
- Oh, God.
I forgot.
That's whereyou humans keepyour boys.
I'm so, so sorry.
- Here, let me help.
- [ Coughs, Grunts .]
Don't be startin' whatyou can't finish, bitch.
[ Grunts, Screams .]
Fussy? Fussy? [ Gasps .]
Come back! [ Groaning .]
Oh, right.
You guys are still locked in the closet.
- Well, I guess you're free to go.
- No, boss.
I can't make it on the outside.
I'm an institutional man now.
You treated us like animals, and that's what we became! Last chance, Francine.
You can still join us.
Not ifit means cheating on Stan.
Our life may not be perfect, but he's always there for me when I really need him.
- Francine! - Stan.
My precious little man ran away, Francine.
- Has he been past here? - No, Stan.
Okay, let's just do this.
Fussy! Here, boy! [ Gasps .]
My God! I've been so blind.
You can never be loyal to just one man.
He won't loveyou, you know.
He's incapable oflove! [ Bawling .]
Rack 'em up! - [ Carts Crashing.]
- Stop! -Linda! -Excuse me? This is an invitation-only function.
All I ask is thatyou let me say good-bye to Francine.
[ Both Moaning .]
- [ Moaning .]
- No wonder she wouldn't cheat on her husband with another man.
You know, sweeties, this is prettyjuicy dirt we have on her.
- [ Lips Smack.]
- Okay, Francine.
We'll letyou live.
But ifyou ever breathe so much as a word about the Ladybugs and what we stand for we'll outyou faster than Katie goes through Vicodin.
## [ Gong Reverberating.]
- What are you doing here? - Duh.
It's Wednesday, our grocery shopping day? Isn't that crazy? I thought my boring routine was killing me.
But it ended up saving my life.
And that fake lesbian kiss- What a great idea! Fake? Oh, yeah.
- Of course.
Fake.
- Oh, hi, Stan.
Oh.
That's your husband.
I'd better get home to my husband because I love him, and I'm so sexually attracted to him.
[ Nervous Laugh .]
Oh, yeah.
He's got the good stuff.
Oh, yeah.
[ Chuckling .]
- Did you find your dog, honey? - Fussy is gone.
Let's just leave it at that.
Wasn't someone trying to kill you or something? Not anymore.
Let's just leave it at that.
Come on.
Walk me home.
- I'll make us dinner.
- Oh, more casserole! - LeftoverWednesday, right? - That's right, Stan.
[ Francine .]
LeftoverWednesday.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!