Back to You (2007) s01e16 Episode Script

[Woman.]
Back to You is recorded In front of a live studio audience.
- Hey, Gary.
- Hey, Ryan.
Okay.
We just gonna do this dance all day, pretending nothing's wrong? Uh, I just got here.
Yeah? Well, I got here 10 years ago.
But did that get me a shot doing the weather? No.
You bring in the weekend girl while I'm out at a nursing home covering another flapper turning a hundred.
Do you know what a hundred smells like, Ryan? It gets in your hair.
This is an old woman, Ryan.
She's outlived seven turtles.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
I'll get you a shot tonight.
Thank you! Thanks, buddy.
Now I know what "old" smells like.
Mornin', Ryan.
Hey, Marsh.
You know that babe on the bus bench at Fourth and Fulton? The drifter with the cans? - No, no.
The Realtor whose picture's on the bus bench.
- Ah! Colette Pierce.
I'm having lunch with her today.
You dog! How did you reel her in, huh? [Chuckling.]
Well, actually, I met her at the coffee shop today and she pointed out to me that my billboard was mounted over her bus bench.
And I said, "Why should those two have all the fun?" [Chortling.]
Hey.
Someone named Colette called.
She'll be running late.
- Oh, okay.
Thanks.
- Let me guess.
Another busty news wannabe with a daddy complex? [Chuckles.]
No, this woman happens to be a Realtor.
Don't you ever tire of portraying me as an emotionally stunted man-child? Yes, I do.
Stop being that way.
You know, that's not a great fit- you and a Realtor.
- Why not? - Well, she sells houses for a living and you'll be in that hotel of yours until they send you down the laundry chute in a body bag.
You don't know that.
You have spent your life running away from commitment.
- What's the longest you've ever dated a woman? - Two years.
Two ye- Oh, you're not counting that blind date you had on New Year's Eve.
And then dropped her at home the next morning.
Two years! is it so impossible for you to believe I might actually be looking at houses today? - Are you? - Yes.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
And, you know, maybe you should think twice before you start accusing people of being immature when they're actually more mature than you by, like, a bazillion times.
- [Answering Machine Beeps.]
- Yeah.
Uh, hello, Dr.
Milner.
My name is Kelly.
My friend Amy gave me your number 'cause I've been considering getting a therapist.
Uh, I have just been on edge lately.
It's like every little thing seems to set me off.
- Like this guy I work with- - [Horn Honks.]
No, I-I'm not leaving.
I'm not leaving.
Go around.
Anyway, this clown I work with- Well, parenthetical, father of my daughter.
She doesn't know.
It's a big secret.
It's probably fourth session stuff.
Anyway, he comes into work, and he tells me he's thinking of buying his first house.
And it just bugs me, and I cannot understand why.
So call me back on this number only and please hang up if my daughter answers.
Okay.
Thank you.
And by the way, I'm not normally this controlling and angry.
I'm actually a very nice person.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
- [Beeps.]
- [Horn Honks.]
No.
Go around! There's a million other sp- Fine.
You know what? I'm just gonna sit here.
Just sittin' here.
Just gonna sit here.
Live satellite shows a high pressure system pushing all the clouds out of here by Saturday so get out your golf clubs.
- Outstanding! - Really? Do not change a thing.
Weather has a new name, and it's Gary- whatever your last name is.
I have to say, that felt really good.
Trust me.
Based on what I just saw, the job is yours to lose.
It's not like I have much competition.
Just some guy from Buffalo- Sonny Binks.
- Oh, boy.
- What? It almost sounded like you said, "Sonny Binks from Buffalo.
" - I did.
- Oh, boy.
- Stop saying that! - Sorry, but management's on this diversity push.
This guy Binks isn't just good.
He's black.
And Asian.
Damn! Ryan didn't tell me I was up against a "blasian.
" Okay.
Everybody just stay calm.
What do you have that Sonny Binks doesn't have? Youth.
He's gotta be 34, 35.
- I'm 38.
- Oh, boy.
Is there any way you could be considered part of a minority group? Yeah.
I come to you for advice.
Hey, Ryan.
This copy for the quadruple-homicide story.
- Do we have an artist's rendering of the suspect? - Yeah, it just came in.
But I think we should go with the picture of the house with the police tape.
- Just seems grabbier.
- If we can help find this maniac, we'd do a public service.
Oh, my God! He looks exactly like you.
Yeah.
- Wow! - I know.
It freaked me out.
I don't need everybody in the city staring at me like- - I didn't do it! - No! No, no, no, no.
I was just thinkin' about something fun I did on Saturday.
I should have invited you.
What were you doing on Saturday? Nothin' much.
I mean, I basically di- I didn't do it! Hey, Marsh.
It's 10 minutes to air.
Have you seen Gary? Yeah.
Don't worry about him.
He's gonna kill.
What is that supposed to mean? It's an old showbiz expression, meaning he'll do very well.
Plus, it's a reference to you killing four people.
So far! - Hey, Marsh.
- Ah, there he is! - Guess where I just went.
- Well, you look like I do when I come back from the can.
Although something looks different.
Did you get a haircut? - Nope.
- Well, you did something.
You look fantastic! Just between you and me? I got a little Botox.
I figured I'm goin' up against a young blasian I'll take all the help I can get.
Botox, huh? That can be kind of expensive.
I had to sell my riding mower to pay for Peg's forehead.
Not this stuff.
It's a lot cheaper and better.
It's, uh, actually called Botex.
I got it at the mall.
You had face work done at a store? Well, it's a cart really.
- Well, whatever it was, you look fantastic.
- Thanks, Marsh.
Oh, and, uh, thanks for your help earlier today.
- Here, I got you a hot pretzel.
- You didn't have to do that.
No problem.
It came with the treatment.
You're welcome to stay for the broadcast.
Oh, I'd love to, but this is officially the longest lunch I've ever had.
- Besides, I'm expecting an offer, so- - Really? I was just about to make one.
Drinks? Say, seven? Well, that is a lot of drinks, but I will give it a shot.
- [Laughing.]
I'll call you.
- Okay.
Bye.
So how was your house hunting? - I saw some nice ones.
- Oh, I'm sure you did.
Did she "Colette" you touch them? I can't believe you tried to convince me you were looking at houses.
What makes you think I wasn't? Just admit you saw a pretty girl's picture on a bus bench and you called her for a date.
Look, just because my Realtor happens to be an attractive woman and a local celebrity- Oh, she's not a celebrity.
She is a backrest for people who can't afford cars.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I shouldn't be attacking you.
I- I should be apologizing.
Obviously, I make you feel like you have to pretend to be something that you are not.
You know what? It's time for us both just to accept you for what you are- a chimpanzee.
Well, you've finally figured me out.
I feel so ashamed.
Well, technically, you can't feel ashamed.
You would only feel hungry or horny or frightened by loud noises.
So it would be unthinkable that I actually saw a few houses today, one of which I liked? And how did you express that? By screeching and clapping your hands over your head? Actually, I bought it.
- What? - Yeah.
Saw it, liked it, bought it.
- You did not buy a house.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
You know, Kelly, there are some people who know what they want.
They reach out and take it.
They call these people "livers of life.
" Others sit on the sidelines watching and judging, wracked with jealousy.
We may call these people jealousy-wracked watchers and judgers of livers of life.
A tortured metaphor, perhaps, but nonetheless apropos.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment-with life.
Colette, it's Chuck.
Know that house you were telling me about at lunch? I need to buy it.
The main suspect in the Uniontown homicides is still at large.
Police are urging anyone with information to please contact them immediately.
I didn't do it! And now filling in with the weather is Gary- "Crezeyewski.
" How are things looking for tomorrow, Gary? Fantastic, Chuck.
It is going to be beautiful, just gorgeous.
Right now, downtown, it's a "chuper"- a supercomfortable 68 degrees.
Come on, 70, you can do it.
[Chuckling.]
Now let's see how things look from way up high.
Live "schatellite"- satellite "sows"- shows- [Chuckling.]
a high pressure "schystem"- [Lisping.]
pushing all the clouds out of here by early Saturday.
So get out your golf clubs.
On Sunday, we could see some clouds so hopefully that won't screw up the big charity spaghetti dinner at McKeesport Children's Burn Center.
- [Answering Machine Beeps.]
- Hi, Dr.
Milner.
It's Kelly again.
Uh, nothing's wrong, per se.
It's just that that coworker I was telling you about- the, uh, "father of my daughter" guy- he just bought a house, okay? The first house that he ever looked at.
[Chuckling.]
Yeah.
He's just trying to get to me in some way.
I mean, he's weirdly concerned with what I think of him.
I don't know.
You're the professional, but I think it's called "obsessive.
" Anyway, I'm following him right now.
Yeah, he's, uh- he's gonna sign some papers and I just gotta see if this house is real.
I mean, okay, I don't even know why I'm acting this way.
I'm normally a very rational- Oh, my God.
He just saw me.
I'm gonna have to call you right back.
Everything in the house can be controlled with this touch pad.
And if you wanna switch it to voice command, you just press right here.
- Dim living room lights.
- [Beeps.]
I remember when you used to have to clap to make that happen.
Uh, living room lights up.
So, uh, that's the house.
How's it feel? Well, uh- Good, but a little bit scary.
I mean, this is a good thing for me.
I- I wanna do it.
It's just, uh, a little bit scary.
Just to be sure, the owner said if I had a serious buyer they could spend the night, see if it's a good fit.
- What do you think? - Sounds like fun.
Sounds like camping.
Only I won't wake up in the morning covered with mysterious bites.
And, you know, I suppose I could come by later and check on you.
Perhaps I spoke too soon.
Okay.
I will be back in an hour.
- Well, here.
Allow me.
- [Beeps.]
Door open.
Nice.
I like an old-fashioned gentleman.
If you're that impressed, wouldn't consider waiving those closing fees, would you? Door closed.
[Chuckling.]
- [Beeps.]
- ## [Jazz On Stereo.]
[Beeps.]
I have the coolest house.
What the hell? Back door open! Get in here! Don't look at me that way.
I- I was simply, as your friend trying to keep you from making a huge mistake.
I mean, who buys a house in one day? Have you checked the plumbing, the electrical? Have you walked on the roof of the garage? Because I have.
All right.
Let's review.
This morning, I woke up and I heard a voice that said "Grow, Chuck.
Evolve.
It's time.
" So I called a Realtor, selected completely at random and you tried to turn that into something tawdry.
Then when I actually bought this house you parked your little rain cloud over that too.
What should have been the proudest day of my life you have marred with your insanity.
- Why do you mar everything? - I don't mar everything.
- Yes, you do.
You mar.
- I do- You are a mar-er! You know what? You should be having a conversation with a professional.
How dare you! While you're at it, tell them that you can't stand to see me happy! - What? - It's true.
My happiness actually gives you physical pain.
Okay, I don't have to stand here and listen to your dime-store analysis.
You know what? If you don't want my help, I don't want yours.
- [Rattles Doorknob.]
- Little help here, please? Door open.
Oh, that's really cool.
I think he's right.
I just resent him slithering around without a care in the world and- and then he gets this incredible house just dropped in his lap.
Why is everything so easy for him? It just drives me crazy that he's suddenly turned into this grown-up, responsible man.
I mean, what's next? He's gonna help our daughter with her homework? Yes, like I need that headache.
God forbid he actually is growing up.
I mean, I would much rather that he just stayed the giant third grader that he is and let me have Gracie to myself.
I didn't mean that.
Did I? Oh, my God.
Is it possible that I want him to stay a jerk so that I have an excuse to keep him out of Gracie's life? That's it, isn't it? Oh, my God.
I'm horrible.
Dr.
Milner, I think we have had a real breakthrough.
I would love to keep talking about this.
You know what? If-If you get done in the next 10 minutes, I'm right outside your office.
Music.
- [Remote Beeps.]
- ## [Stereo: Soft Jazz.]
- Lights dim.
- [Beeps.]
Wine open.
Do I have to do everything myself? [Chuckling.]
Oh, it's a lucky girl that gets us, house.
Now I am ready for your magic fingers.
Massage chair on.
- [Beeps.]
- [Motor Humming Softly.]
Oh, that's very nice on my lower back.
- Maybe you could go a little higher? - [Beeps Continue.]
No, no.
Not stronger, higher.
Higher.
- Damn it! Chair off! Chair off! - [Beeps.]
Damn it.
[Sighs.]
Ah, boy.
Perfect.
House, avert your eyes.
[Chuckles.]
This is a first for me.
- Pants off before dinner.
- [Beeps.]
No, dinner.
- Club soda.
I have seen this work on TV.
- [Beeps.]
No, no, no.
TV down.
TV off! [Female Electronic Voice.]
Please select from our programming menu.
Oh, for God's sake, all right.
Oh, hell.
I got wine all over it.
I probably shorted the damn thing out.
I am such a dolt.
[Electronic Voice.]
Adult programming selected.
[Woman On TV.]
Hey, baby.
What's in the box? [Man On TV.]
Someone here order a large pepperoni? - No, no! - [Woman On TV.]
Yes, yes! [Sighs.]
No! TV off! - [Beeping.]
- [Man On TV.]
Oh, baby, I'm on fire.
Wait! No! My pants! Oh, for God's sake! That was the pizza delivery guy! [Phone Beeping.]
[Man On Phone.]
Pizza Pizza.
This is Tony.
[Man, Woman On TV Moaning.]
- I don't want a pizza! - Sir, If you could turn down the porno In the background.
I'm trying to! For heaven sakes! - [Moaning On TV.]
- Everything off! Everything off! Oh, come on! Baby, just work for me one more time.
- Oh, my God! - Huh? - Colette! Wait! I can explain.
- [Woman On TV.]
Yes, yes! At least tell me how to turn the power off! Power on.
Power on! Of course.
Why would you listen to me now? Well.
Okay.
Strange house, complete darkness, no pants.
I really ought to be better at this by now.
Is there a reason your house is completely dark? Not my house.
It's Beelzebub's house.
A house of pain and torment.
The power went out.
Well, I just came back to apologize.
I shouldn't have called you a childish, womanizing liar.
- That's okay.
- No, no.
It was your big day, and I marred it.
- I'm- I'm sorry.
- Kelly, wait.
Well, at least that works.
[Chuckles.]
Look, you weren't completely wrong about me.
- You were after that Realtor, weren't you? - Of course! I assume by your smoky pants, it either went really well or really badly.
The second.
And I- I think the deal's off.
You know what? I'm gonna have a glass of wine.
Would you like to join me? Sure.
Why not? So you were willing to buy a house just to impress Colette? Well, uh, partly.
I might have been trying to prove to you that I am not the adolescent you claim me to be.
By buying a house with a batting cage? That's what that is? I thought it was a chicken run.
By the way, you know living in a hotel isn't exactly immature.
It's just that I- I like having people around.
You've got Gracie to come home to.
Yeah.
And in my defense, it did occur to me that having this place might mean that someday Gracie could come and stay.
Oh, that's interesting.
I never thought of that.
It is a nice house, though, especially in the candlelight.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- [Chuckles.]
I suppose I shouldn't be saying that.
I'm sure you remember the last time we were alone together sitting in the dark, drinking wine.
- Kelly, I'm getting hot.
- Okay.
Why do you have to take everything I say and turn it- - No, no.
I think my pants are still smoldering.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look! Oh! Oh! Get out! [Muzak.]
[Elevator Bell Dings.]
Do it again? One more time? - Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
- [Bell Dings.]
[Muzak.]
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Children Chattering.]