Ben and Kate (2012) s01e16 Episode Script

Oh, college, huh? The big 'C'.
People don't say that.
'C' town.
No.
'C' word.
That means something completely different.
Yeah, it sounded bad when it came out of my mouth.
Why did you quit college the first time? Was it because of me? No, babe.
No.
You guys picking some classes there? Yeah, but the only classes we can take together are conversational French and ethics.
Ethics? Give me a break.
What do you know about ethics? There's not much to know.
I raised myself right and my morale compass always point due north.
Orphan steals bread, I let him get away with it, as long as it's not hurting others.
You two are bitten by snakes but I only have one antidote, I give it to Maddie.
Sorry, Kate, children are our future.
Somebody gives me a time machine, I don't use it.
Why? My name's not "God".
I had no idea your girlfriend was such a handywoman.
Neither did I.
She's full of surprises, like a sexy blonde pinata.
Hey, speaking of surprises, so it's Vera and I's two month anniversary.
The traditional gift is a handmade card written at the last minute.
You know, maybe with some sex coupons thrown in.
But I really want to do something more romantic.
Why don't you take her on a sunset cruise around the harbour? Boats? I hate boats.
Boats are the worst.
Really? I had no idea you felt so strong and so negatively about boats.
They remind me of Florida, which really bums me out.
You hate Florida too? But it's the Sunshine State.
You don't hate sunshine, do you? Yeah.
What? Look at all these young men.
Oh, these young, virile men.
That's not How about pulling an all-nighter with him? No, no, no.
Not doing that.
The first time that I was in college, I focused on all the wrong things.
And by things, I mean boys.
And by boys, I mean Tyler and six months later, I was a dropout, so I'm not going to let history repeat itself.
He's looking at you.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Ethics 101.
Ethics is the foundation of everything we do as active participants in a society.
See? Bet you wouldn't mind actively participating in his society.
Stop it.
I'm trying to pay attention.
Kate, we are in college, this is the inspiration for college-themed pornography.
Now I'm stuck in a relationship with Buddy, I need to vicariously live through you.
As long as you're willing to vicariously highlight some textbook passages, then great.
I'd like to see you vicariously highlight his passage.
No, I didn't see that - Yeah.
It didn't make any sense at all.
It did.
Or it's extremely dirty.
OK, I'm sorry, ladies.
You two are speaking in full voice.
Exactly.
To demonstrate an ethical quandry.
Class dismissed.
OK, Champagne.
Flowers.
Ben? Hey.
What is all this? This, my dear, is for our anniversary.
To a wonderful two months.
What are we, teenagers? We don't have to celebrate this kind of thing.
And what are you wearing? It's the shirt from the day we met.
I'm embarrassed to say that I don't remember what you were wearing but that speaks to an underlying narcissism on my part.
I just had no idea you were taking this so seriously.
What do you mean? I just thought it was more of a casually kind of thing.
Casual? What, like I'm a restaurant that you can wear jeans to? Or I'm a word that you're too lazy to finish? You know, like "totes", or "what-evs".
Because that's ridic'.
Vera, we need you.
Coming.
Ben, we'll talk later.
Hey, nice flowers.
My girlfriend gave them to me.
What? What-ev! But in ethics, we're taking a step back to reflect on morality.
OK, I'm right in the middle of a lecture but it seems like a totally natural time to get up and leave.
But I'd like to quickly invite all of you to a reading I'm doing at the campus bookstore this evening.
I know you're all very busy, but please feel free to stop by.
Hey.
Hi.
College It's pretty crazy, huh? Yeah, it's, like, totally crazy.
You want to maybe get together tonight? Talk about how crazy it is.
No.
I don't.
Erm I can't.
Why not? I'm, like, super into college and stuff, which is why I'm going to that reading tonight.
The bookstore? My bookstore? To the reading? I mean, you know, it happens all the time.
There's always people students at the reading.
It's a packed house.
Yeah, so I have to go there.
Bye.
What's crazy is it all comes back to that one question.
You know, can something be good if it's not good for everyone? Yeah, and who decides? Right.
And then you add religion into the mix, not to mention government, and tyranny, despotism.
Oh, despots.
I had despots.
Despots are the worst.
And war! War.
Yeah.
Exactly.
This is the most interesting conversation I've had in a very long time, but to be fair, I do work at a bar named after a dog.
So Well, this is a real treat for me too.
Most undergrads aren't this engaged and interesting.
They They're usually more like this guy over there.
What, is the stealing the rose? I don't know.
Doesn't he know that that's free? Come on, look at him, he's young.
God knows I didn't do college right the first time.
Yeah, me neither.
But honestly, I've been thinking about what I've missed out on for the past seven years, and it's this.
It's all of this, it's talking about ideas and having real conversations that mean something.
And that anything can happen.
You You're my professor.
Mmm.
Is this ethical? Don't over-think it.
OK.
BJ, I am in a relationship with a total stranger.
No Is that her over there? Does Lyla know? That is Lyla.
Gosh, you've got a type, haven't you? What do you mean? That's Lyla.
That's Lyla.
Yeah, I know.
She looks like the other girl Lyla you're dating.
Other Oh, Tommy, I'm really sorry, I've got to take this.
It's Buddy.
He likes to video-chat when we've been apart for too long.
Oh, that's sweet.
Sometimes he even points the camera at his face.
OK, I'm going to go.
Hi.
Hey, BJ.
What's going on? Just working.
What's up with you? Why are you so sweaty, huh? Er I had sex with my ex wife.
Shut up.
Yeah, twice.
But it's not my fault.
I came by the house and she was selling all my stuff.
And guess what? She sold my nude self-portrait for a dollar.
Yeah.
So I got mad and we got into a fight and you know how crazy I get fighting with women.
Yeah, that's Yeah.
That's fine.
You're not mad? No.
It's Whatever, it's totally fine, because we're not married, so whatever.
Wow.
Wow.
God, you're great.
Where's Kate? I need to talk to her.
Have you been crying? No.
Have you been watching romantic comedies like a girl? No, I don't This was just on.
I don't even know where the remote is.
Right.
It's a TV movie called The Garden Inside Of Us.
Oh.
It's about this this lovely horticulturalist.
And she can grow flowers, like, all over the world.
These beautiful, beautiful roses.
But nothing grows in here.
So that's the Wait, maybe Vera has a point.
What happened? I don't want to talk about it.
All right.
What do you need Kate for? I don't want to talk about it.
Vera basically called me a girl.
Buddy slept with another woman.
Hello, Professor.
Miss Fox.
What brings you off-campus? I figured I'd check in on my favourite student.
Maybe drop off a little required reading material.
Oh, really? Well, I have some material that you're required to read Oh, that's a real book.
Yes.
I can't believe Buddy did that.
Vera's no better, Ben.
No - I mean, who does she think she is? I don't know.
And it's always on her terms, that's the thing.
Obviously.
She calls and it's like, "Oh, Ben, ride over my house.
Come over at two in the morning.
Get on your bike.
" Oh, no.
I'm like, why should I get on my bike? I have a car.
Yeah.
And she's like, "Cos I want you all hot and sweaty.
" And it's like, I get it, I'm ripped and when I'm sweaty, I look fantastic, but still, I have to go through a really bad neighbourhood to get there.
Right.
And she's like, "Well, I want the smell of fear on you.
" And it's like, I get it.
Yeah.
I'm incredibly attractive when I'm terrified.
But still, come on.
I put my heart out there and then she just stomps all over it.
It's kind of like with me and Buddy how he's always saying to me how he wants this pan-sexual relationship.
Pan-sexual I don't even understand what that is.
Yeah.
But I totally get it.
And I'm like, fine.
OK, I can do that, I will wake him up in the middle of the night, duck-tape his mouth, steal his dog, punch him in the face.
Because you're a nice person.
Yes.
And send a ransom note and arrange a drop-off.
And, of course, guess who shows up early.
Buddy.
Yeah.
That's fine with me, because I can handle unorthodox.
Yeah.
Obviously I can, it's kind of like who I am.
Right, you're not religious.
But he should know this is too far.
You deserve better, BJ.
I know.
I mean, you're awesome.
I know.
Yeah.
And Buddy's a fool.
Honestly.
Thank, you Ben.
Yeah.
You're really great too, as well.
Ah.
Vera doesn't deserve you.
To us, right? To us.
Oh, my God.
Ssh.
Rest now, my angel.
The world you once knew no longer exists.
Too much? Just Yeah.
OK, look, let's not panic.
OK? These things happen.
Right? On the bright side, no-one's injured.
No-one can ever know about this.
OK.
I couldn't cope with the shame.
Just It wasn't that bad.
It was worse, Ben.
Because it was actually really good.
Why, thank you.
For someone so asexual you were very sexual.
That thing that you did the third time.
Oh, yeah.
Where did that come from? That was fun.
That was incredible.
I could tell you really liked that.
Yeah, I did.
I mean yeah.
With the stroller, right.
No, no.
No, I was faking that.
The other thing with the space eater.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That was very creative.
Yeah.
Bravo.
Thank you.
Yeah.
What a shocker.
Cos the first two times were so awful.
You know? Right.
I don't know what happened.
You were so committed, I think.
Right, yeah.
You just kept plugging away, Ben.
Well, I mean, I'm a plugger.
Good for you.
Yeah, you know.
And it worked.
Because there I was, staring up at the ceiling.
Thinking, is this ever going to end? Right.
And suddenly, I was enjoying myself.
Yeah, well, I don't like to go half-way.
You've got a lot of stamina.
I mean, I work out a ton.
Yeah.
Clearly.
Yeah, you're very strong.
But you've then got this weak face.
Right.
So it's very confusing.
You're not hideous.
OK.
But you're definitely not attractive.
Right.
But I hardly noticed your face, Ben.
OK good.
The first few times, it was really distracting.
Right.
Right.
But then it was just a blur.
And I never thought I'd be able to say that.
I forgot you had that face.
You know what it's like? It's like you're this clapped-out old pony, ready to be put down, and suddenly, you get on the racecourse and you're a stallion.
Right.
But you're a donkey.
Right.
I have a donkey next to me.
Where did the stallion go? You would never think it.
Maybe we talk about this another time? Or not.
OK.
Let's not ever talk about it.
OK.
Cos this never happened.
It never happened.
Yeah.
I won't tell anybody.
Maddie, I'm going out to the garage to do laundry - Kate.
Hi.
I am in a relationship with a girl that I don't even know.
Lyla and I are different.
Like, scary different.
I'm a summer person, she loves winter.
I believe that aliens will someday arrive and share their technology.
She believes that they will befriend us, but ultimately enslave us! It's like we don't even know each other.
Wow, just chill.
It's totally fine.
Tommy, the only thing that matters is that you're having fun.
What's going on with you? What is this? Nothing.
Just having a super good day.
Things are going really well with college.
Things are going especially well with my professor, Greg.
I can call him Greg because things are going well.
You're dating your professor? Is that a good idea? It's just casual.
It's not like like a thing, you know.
It's totally fine.
Sometimes, we like to kiss in bookstores.
No big deal.
It's, like, super romantic, but whatever.
Sometimes, we like to chitchat on the phone.
I'm going to call him.
I'm going to call him right now.
No big deal.
Just calling up him on my phone.
Hi.
Uh-huh.
Cool OK That was his wife.
What? He has a wife that he hasn't told me about that I talked to on the phone just now.
Oh, my God.
She said that she had read my text messages that I sent him.
Those may or may not have been a little bit dirty sometimes.
I didn't I never meant to kiss somebody else's husband.
Oh, my God.
Tommy, what do I do? Kate, relax, OK.
Let's just think about this.
Why did I ask you that question? You are dating a stranger and you are in a doomed relationship.
I am calling BJ.
I am Oh, my God.
I am.
I've got to talk to Lyla.
Maybe this relationship is a mistake.
Maybe I need to - Ssh.
Do you hear that? Yeah, what Morning, Kate.
No, I'm nowhere near the house.
I'm watching a unicorn pleasure himself.
At the movies.
Oh What is happening? Oh, my God.
What is going on? Er OK, don't freak out, Kate.
Erm this is exactly what it looks like.
Yeah, it is.
It was bound to happen.
What? Two attractive people, both in their sexual primes.
Tommy, that's very kind of you.
Thank you.
Yeah, thank you, Tommy.
What are you thinking? You are my best friend.
You are my brother.
You guys can't do that.
Also, you are both in relationships! Buddy cheated on me.
Vera called me a girl.
And I'm learning all these new terrifying things about Lyla.
This isn't about you.
That doesn't feel like the same.
It was because we're all dealing with relationships.
I'm sorry that people are hurting you guys, but is this the answer? Does anybody have any restraint anywhere in the world? Because God knows I don't.
What are you talking about? She just found out the professor she's dating is married.
Married.
You What happened to not getting involved with the guys at school? I guess I just couldn't resist ruining college again.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Yeah.
Can you guys not sit so close together? It's making me uncomfortable.
Your naked elbows are touching.
Can you separate a little bit? Hey.
What's up? You know what's up.
We're standing right here.
Ooh, pretty judgy for a home-wrecker.
I didn't wreck a home, I just made out with it a few times and I sent it a few PG-13 text messages.
Sixth Sense was rated PG-13.
And that destroyed me.
I'm never going to be able to show my face in that school ever again.
Kate, you don't need to bend over backwards to avoid this.
"Bend over backwards.
" I know, I know.
I thought the exact same thing as soon as it came out of my mouth.
Sorry, it's a private joke.
Oh, my God.
OK, I will go back to college if it means that I don't have to deal with you guys.
I'm not looking forward to talking to Lyla.
I guess I'm going to have to tell Buddy.
Vera will be fine.
She made it very clear that she wants things to be kept casual.
Nobody treats Vera Everson that way! Do you hear me? You are dead in this town, Fox! You hear me? Dead! OK, sounds good, great! Never forget, you'll always be part of my sexual family.
It's - Enough! Hello, girl, you want some beads? Hey, Buddy.
I had sex with Ben cos you had sex with your ex-wife, OK? So we're done.
Done? Yeah? Yeah.
OK, well Not for nothing Did you record that? Because I would really like to take a look at it.
HD if possible.
How do you want to say goodbye? I'd like to say goodbye the usual way.
This? Do you want some of that? Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Yeah.
Here you go.
It was so nice to meet you both.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There we go.
We're in the airport now and I'm streaming you.
Yeah, there we are.
It's too dark, could you get in better light? All right.
There it is.
I'm going to miss you most of all.
OK.
So which would then lead us to the question of how we deal with How we deal with ethical dilemmas.
I'm sorry, I meant that as more of a rhetorical question.
Yeah, I have an ethical dilemma though.
What do you do if, through no fault of your own, you end up as a participant in an unethical situation? Well, I would say - Also because, hypothetically, someone wasn't wearing a wedding ring and somebody else did not know that they were married.
Right.
Erm Well, then I would say it is up to the person who is at fault to deal with the fallout of his or her actions.
His.
Hypothetically his or - His.
His.
His.
His fault.
Great.
Thank you so much.
That's exactly the answer I was looking for.
Continue.
Oh, would you look at us? All single and pathetic.
I don't feel pathetic at all.
I actually feel really great.
Yeah, weirdly, so do I.
Now I'm on my own and unemployed and that's usually when great things happen for me.
You're always unemployed.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, that's really great for you both.
I'm really happy for you.
I guess it's just me.
Maddie, where's my wine?! BJ, maybe you should have your boyfriend lover go get it.
Shut up.
Kate, that's not cool.
I think it's cool.
Besides, she's not my lover, she's my wife.
Thank you.
Some respect, please.
Honestly.
Yeah.
Finally.
Ah, don't spill it.
I need all of it in me, thank you.
Hey, guys.
Hey, dude.
Hey, man.
I had a pretty big talk with Lyla.
Oh, man, come sit down.
There's plenty of room for one more pathetic single person on this couch.
You guys we got engaged.
What?! Oh, my God.
I'm getting married! I can be the bride! That's the best news.
Congratulations.
We need some more wine.
Dude, that's awesome! Oh, man.
I've got to get out of this wedding.
OK.
OK.
This is even more exciting.
Great call.
I hate weddings.
The first thing you need is some repellant, maybe rope.
Why do you always want repellant? That's a really good idea.
I've got four things coming to my mind right off the bat.
One probably involved scuba gear.
I hate weddings.
No, Ben - No, no, no, you have to.
There's no other way.
It's an emotional journey.
For ruining the wedding.
But that's what I'm saying.
Maybe I'm repelling - You should not listen to Ben about anything.
God, it went on and on, and I was so not into it.
Like, disgusted.
Freaky.
Disturbing.
Terrible.
Awful.
Weird.
Really bad.
So I was like, what's going on? Right.
Who is this person? What is happening? It was so weird.
Right.
You'd never have expected it.
Cos of Yeah.
Cos of your face.
Yeah.
And your personality.
Right.
Right.
Right.