Bewitched (1964) s01e16 Episode Script

Samantha Stephens, entertainment chairman? Why pull a dirty trick like this on an innocent young bride like her? Only an innocent young bride like her would fall for a dirty trick like this.
Besides, it's for a worthy project, isn't it? You don't have to sell the hospital-relief fund to us.
Don't forget, we stuck you with entertainment chairman last year.
Believe me, it was a lot tougher hiring professional talent with the kind of budget I had.
This year the committee has set aside 50 dollars.
Samantha, over here.
I'm sorry I'm late, but on the way across town, I saw the cutest hat.
That's all right, we haven't ordered yet.
- What hat? - It didn't do a thing for me but don't you love the purse and shoes that went with it? You're the best-dressed chairman our hospital fund ever had.
Me, chairman? - Congratulations.
- You'll do a great job.
Thank you.
It's a great honour.
I'll do my best.
Waiter.
Garçon.
Somebody.
Why do we eat here? You can never get a waiter.
- Did you see that? - I certainly did.
It was almost like magic.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you.
- They really did it to you? - I don't mind buying lunch.
No, no, not that, entertainment chairman.
They stick the new ones with the tough jobs.
PTA Friends of the Library, The Garden Club, The Bird Watchers.
Any group of women that gets together to do something, sooner or later does it at one of my tables.
- You seem to know a lot about women.
When they're in groups.
How much did they allow you to spend on entertainment? Fifty bucks? - How did you? - I'm an eavesdropper.
And that's lucky for you, I happen to have a friend Who'd be willing to do what for my 50 dollars? - Magic.
He's a magician.
- Is he any good? Good? He's better than good.
He's adequate.
Well, 50 dollars, I can't expect to get Harry Houdini, can I? - What's his phone number? - Oh, he hasn't got a phone but here's his address.
- Goodbye, buster.
- Roxie, wait.
I've done enough waiting, I'm leaving.
And when you sober up don't come crawling back, because Roxie's had it up to here.
- Out of my way, sister.
- I'm looking for The Great Zeno.
You found him, and you can have him.
- Mr.
Zeno? - Come in.
Come in.
- Mr.
Zeno - Not "mister," just Zeno.
The Great Zeno.
- Norman, the waiter, sent me.
- Correction.
Norman, the guardian angel of fools and tired vaudeville acts.
Welcome to my home such as it is.
Won't you sit down, Miss? - Mrs.
Stephens.
- How you do? How do you do? Norman said that you'd entertain at our hospital benefit for $50.
Good old Norman.
You know, between the two of us I'd have done it for $30.
I'm sorry that you had to come all the way down but ever since they took the phone, I don't know, for some reason Well, I understand.
Here, 50 dollars.
Is it a deal? It's a deal.
Shall we seal it with a nip? I'll fix you a drink.
No, no, thank you.
I've just finished lunch.
This is my lunch.
And for dessert What are we celebrating, Johnny Appleseed's birthday? No, the end of a beautiful friendship.
My associate, Ms.
Roxie Ames she's decided to take her talents elsewhere.
Lovely girl.
It's really not her fault.
You see, I have this problem.
- Oh, I hadn't noticed.
- I don't mean this, no.
This is just something that I do between engagements.
My last real engagement was Hartford, four years ago.
That's my problem.
That was your problem.
You have a job now.
You know I won't kid you that I don't need the money.
What I really need is to get out there in front of an audience.
I'll surprise you.
I used to be good before I had this run of bad luck.
- I'm sorry.
- No, save your pity.
I can still Well, these things are old.
They're like rags.
But here's one.
Here's one that the kids just love.
They break an awful lot of glasses at home trying it till they get it, but Wait a minute, I guess I hit that just a little too hard.
Here.
Let me try it again.
See? But I do better stuff than that.
I'm sure you do, and the job's yours.
- Well - But you've got to promise no more.
I'll drink to that one.
- Something the matter? - Either I'm tighter than I think I am or I've got the D.
T.
's.
Oh, boy.
I don't know about you, buster, but I need a drink.
- First time anyone's called me "buster.
" - Oh, I didn't mean you.
I meant Is he still here? He's gone.
- What's the matter, you seeing things? - I sure am.
Sister Stephens I've finally seen the light.
Hallelujah.
Mrs.
Kravitz, have you seen my wife lately? - Kiss me for a dollar, and I'll tell you.
- Only a dollar? Come on, be a sport.
Chalk it up to charity.
They only let me in the kissing booth on coffee breaks.
Okay.
Well? Well How did? I thought you were on the entertainment committee.
Wasn't that entertaining? Like to try for two? Mr.
Stephens, if you don't wanna buy any more kisses would you step aside for those of us who do? Certainly, Dr.
Clarke, I regret that I've but one wife to give to your hospital.
Thank you, dearie, I'll take over from here.
Certainly.
Gentlemen, this booth does not give refunds.
Mr.
Zeno, may I come in? - Please go away.
- It's Samantha Stephens your friendly neighbourhood chairman.
Come in.
Hi, you ready? I kept hoping she'd show up.
She did the last time.
Maybe it was the time before that.
I don't know.
You're the magician.
You don't need anybody.
Roxie dresses up the act, and I do need her.
Anybody who'd wear a costume like that wouldn't dress up the act she'd steal it from you.
- That's the gimmick.
While they're watching her, they're not paying much attention to what I do.
You see, I'm a pretty rotten magician.
Nonsense, I bet your act is just as good without her.
- You don't know much about magic.
- I do.
It's sort of a hobby with our family.
Hey, that's pretty good.
How did you do that? Even we amateurs know better than to tell the tricks of the trade.
Look, I can't go out there alone.
Would you take Roxie's place and help me? In that costume? I couldn't.
Well, that's that, then.
Here's what's left of the 50 you gave me.
- I'll pay you the rest as soon as I get it.
- Wait.
What for? You mean you won't go on if I don't go out there with you? I'm sorry.
Welcome, friends of the New North Hospital.
Thanks to our entertainment chairman, Mrs.
Darrin Stephens we have a special magic act tonight that is full of surprises.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Great Zeno.
Ruth.
The curtain, Ruth.
Ruth! Samantha.
Beautiful lady deserves beautiful flowers.
Next, a vase.
Or is it vase? And here it is.
And here it was.
- And no applause.
I told you I'd flop.
- Do the next trick.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to take this rope and cut it in half with this pair of scissors.
- No, no, that's wrong.
- Go ahead.
Go ahead.
And bring the two separate pieces back together again by magic.
- One piece of rope.
- Very good.
Did you see that? All of a sudden he's good.
- And she gave him a funny look.
- You should look so funny.
What would a magic act be without the old rabbit-from-the-hat trick.
A few passes of the magic wand and - Did you see that? - What? - You never saw rabbits jumping before? - Backward? Mrs.
Stephens really did it this time.
I mean, she certainly found us a clever act.
The fact remains that my magician was so good, the girls want me to handle the show next year.
- The fact is you did Zeno's magic act for him last night, didn't you? - Not all of it.
I just helped him because he was so scared.
He's such a sweet little man, and I couldn't stand to see him fail.
- To us it's just a show, but to him - I know, sweetheart.
I'm very proud of you.
I just wish you hadn't had to reach back into your old bag of tricks, that's all.
Hello.
Oh, Zeno.
Good for you.
Zeno's got a job, a real one.
On television? He's a last-minute substitute on Variety Showcase.
Oh, I couldn't.
Zeno, you'll do very well without me.
That's right, gotta push them out of the nest, let them fly on their own.
Hold on a minute.
You're absolutely right.
Zeno has to learn how to fly under his own power.
Good girl.
I've got an important meeting tonight with clients so I'll be home late.
- I understand.
Hello.
You still there? What's that I hear in the background? Do I hear glasses clinking? Zeno, I thought you'd given up bars.
Oh, I can't, I promised my husband.
Zeno, don't cry.
All right.
All right, I'll come to your rehearsal.
Yes, bye.
I've watched the Stephens' house for an hour now, and she's not up to anything.
Never is, it's all in your imagination.
Say, I saw it advertised on television.
That little magician will be on Variety Showcase tonight.
- You see? - No, I don't see.
- She got him on television.
You'll see.
No, I won't, he's on opposite the basketball game.
She must have arranged it.
I bet if you went down to the television studio right now you'd find Mrs.
Stephens, and she'd be up to something.
Hi, Mr.
Zeno.
How is everything going? Never better.
A guy was here telling me how crazy they are about the act.
- I knew you could do it.
- Sure, after all, it's no different from the hospital benefit.
- That's the spirit.
Who am I kidding? "The Great Zeno.
" I was never great.
The other night, I still can't figure out how I pulled it off.
It must have been having you out there smiling that gave me confidence.
It was a fluke, a once-in-a-lifetime.
- I'll never get through it.
- Of course you will.
You just have to believe in yourself.
- Will you stay for the show? - Yes.
You know, win or lose, I'd like you to know something: You're a very nice lady.
Good luck.
Thanks.
All right, wise guy, where's your mysterious Mrs.
Stephens.
She's got to be here.
She wasn't home.
Well, that makes sense.
Take it, Carol.
Zeno, baby! I came just as soon as I heard the good news.
You must be getting a bundle.
- You don't seem too happy to see me.
- Of course I am, Roxie.
- It's just that we're on the air.
- I know.
Don't you worry, doll.
When Roxie gets out there and gives out with the old personality, we'll come on strong.
- Where's my dressing room? - I think I remembered every - Roxie.
- What's this little character do? - Roxie, she's a friend of mine.
- Friend? - Well, that's a new word for it.
- Roxie.
After all the years I carried you in this stale act when you finally luck into a decent booking, you brush Roxie for her.
What's going on here? Hold it down, we're on the air.
You don't need anyone but me.
Tell her.
- Never mind, Zeno, I'll leave.
- No, no, I want you to stay.
- I want her to go.
- Look, Roxie, we're on in a minute.
Please, go get your costume.
That's a girl.
You said everything would be all right, all along.
It will be.
I don't understand it.
Samantha has gotta be around here somewhere.
What do you think, the magician is gonna pull her out of his hat? On this next trick, tell them to keep the camera on me, alone.
I'm doing the most important stuff until I hand the tray then go to your two-shot.
- Boy, this dame is murder.
- She is sure of herself.
She's hogging the whole bit.
Why doesn't Zeno stop her? Watch it, stupid, you're getting it all over me.
Sorry.
The old guy's a little rusty, but don't worry, I know how to cover for him.
Roxie, you're killing me, why? Because this is little Roxie's big chance, you jerk.
I'm out to get a regular spot as the Variety Showcase girl.
And now, ladies and gentlemen Oh, boy, this is brutal.
I watched the run-through, he would've been better off without her.
I thought I told you to get lost.
Give me that.
See that.
See, she's here.
What do you say to that? I say you made me lose the basketball game.
Get off the stage, sister or 40 million people will see how you look with no teeth.
My assistant will place her hand into the empty fish bowl and draw out a surprise.
- I can't get my hand out.
- Don't worry, I'll cover for you.
And now We caught a big one, didn't we? Well, while we're waiting for the surprise ladies and gentlemen, I have here This is even better than the basketball game.
How about that, folks, a magician and a comedy act both for the price of one.
- Can't tell me that was just an accident.
Who cares, it's the first good trick in the act.
You did that on purpose.
Bring her back.
Bring her back.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, what would a magic act be without the egg-in-the-hat trick.
An ordinary hat and an ordinary hen egg.
Observe the ordinary hen egg and an ordinary table knife.
Take the magic wand, stir gently, and See how it's grown.
Come on, let's hear it for The Great Zeno.
- Do you hear that? They love you.
- What happened to Roxie? She'll be back.
This is your big moment.
Go out there and make the most of it.
- Wait, where are you going? I'm giving up show business.
You don't need me you don't need anybody.
You're good.
- He is good.
- Darrin.
Good for the next 13 weeks.
- Who told you so? - My client, the sponsor.
- Your client? You got Zeno this job? - We did.
- What happened to your meeting? - I knew you couldn't stay out of this.
Darrin, that's not fair.
I just came down to wish Zeno good luck.
Come on, I've been watching you from the sponsors' booth.
- You have? - Yes, I have.
From now on, the only one who'll be doing any magic is the magician.
I'm here to see that you keep your nose out of his business.
Now today's newspaper, we place it on top and turn it over.
Rub a little.
- Samantha.
- I can't help it, I have to sneeze.
The power of the press.
Either we've been hypnotized, or we're out of our minds.
Don't talk plural, I'm hypnotized.
You're out of your mind.
Darrin.
Darrin, I'm sleepy.
Why don't you go to bed.
I'll be along just as soon as I get this trick.
I think I'm getting the hang of it.
I guess I'll go to bed.
Sam.
Sam, I did it! I did it! - At least, I think I did.
- Darrin.
Up here, sweetheart.