Big Nate (2022) s01e16 Episode Script

1
[school bell rings]
- Pardon me!
Big day today.
We're starting
winter sports in gym class,
and if I don't get there
on time
[gasps]
I won't get to sign up
for ice hockey.
Get out of my way!
Squeezing through!
Also, I'm totally
counting on it
to save my grade.
[grunts]
- [shrieks]
- [grunts]
Whoa.
I gotta make sure
I get ice hockey
because otherwise
I'll have to do--
[gasps]
- [blows whistle]
- [grunts]
Figure skating.
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay
Detention again
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Big Nate
[loud clang]
[thud, clattering]
- All right, maggots,
get after it.
- Yodel-lay-ee-dee.
- Uh, you want us
to skate on that?
- Use your imagination, scrub.
This is a frosted
winter wonderland.
An Olympic ice rink.
[critters squeaking]
- Oh, I think I see it.
Like the North Pole,
but if Santa hated us.
- [grunting]
- Ah!
- Ah!
- Ah!
[sneaky music]
[whistle whirs]
- Ho, ho, no.
How did all of my friends
get ice hockey
except for me?
[groans]
All right, real talk?
I hate figure skating.
But there's
a good reason for that.
My sister Ellen
loves to torture me,
and figure skating
is her weapon
of Nate destruction.
You'd hate figure skating
with the white-hot intensity
of a thousand suns, too,
if you went through
what I have.
[booing]
Ahh!
[screams]
Now, back to our story.
- [blows whistle]
Front and center, junior.
Get over here.
Now!
- [groans]
Here goes nothing.
[grunts]
- Hey, champ,
how you feeling?
- [coughs dramatically]
Terrible.
I think I'll be out
for the whole school year, Dad.
- I think I know
what's going on here.
You got a bad case
of gym-itis.
I used to get it
all the time
due to my complete lack
of proper muscle formation.
[grunts]
[sighs]
It's a wonder
I can even feed myself.
- Dad, can you please
just excuse me from gym?
I haven't asked you
for anything lately.
- Well, that's not quite true.
- Dad, can I have your waffles?
Dad can I have
the comic section.
Hey, Dad, can I have
this chainsaw?
[sobs]
Please?
Please get me out of gym class!
[whimpering]
- Don't let him
get to you, Marty.
Be strong.
You have to tell him no.
N--n--!
[vocalizes]
[sighs]
[door slams]
- Uh, Dad?
Well, that wasn't a no.
And a not no equals a yes.
- Aw.
How can I say no to him
without crushing his spirit?
- What in tarnation?
- Uh, hello, Coach J.
As you can see,
I've had a little accident.
[chuckles weakly]
Shame I won't be able
to figure skate today.
- Nice cast.
What'd you use, two-ply?
- It's a miracle.
I am cured.
Be right back.
My Fear the Mollusk album
got discovered.
It's from the hottest
K-Pop band in the game.
- As a K-Pop fan myself,
I'm highly skeptical.
- Hey, hey, ho, ho,
these ice skates
have got to go.
I will be sitting out gym class
as form of protest
against child humiliation
in this country.
- [grunts]
- [shrieks]
- If you think figure skating
is humiliating,
try repeating
sixth grade gym.
Go lace up,
Porcupine Head.
- [mimicking Coach J]
Go lace up, Porcupine Head.
At least I don't wear a toupee
that looks like
a dead muskrat.
- Hey, Nate,
how's it going?
- How's it going?
How's it going?
Dee Dee, if you didn't notice,
I have to figure skate.
- And?
- Well, for starters,
because of Ellen,
I've sworn a blood oath
to hate figure skating.
Not to mention I'm gonna
totally embarrass myself.
When I dance I look like--
- A total dork?
Oh, oh. Maybe you can find
a partner
to take the pressure off.
At acting camp, when I did
"Lassie, I'm Gassy,"
my two-person play--
correction it was
one person, one dog,
but you get the idea.
- Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
You've said something
I've chosen
to pay attention to.
Partner.
Partner, partner, partner.
I need a--uh, no.
Don't have a death wish.
- Hmm.
- Hmm?
Hey, Chad, what are
you doing up there?
- Making paper snowflakes.
[eerie squealing]
[paper crinkling]
- So, C-Dog, C-meister,
Chad-o-rama, ol' buddy.
[chuckles]
I was thinking
- Ah, sorry, Nate,
but my freckles are tingling
which means
you're about to ask me
to be
your figure skating partner,
and I must
respectfully decline.
So wh--what about Kim?
She doesn't have a partner.
And she's as strong
as a box.
- Um, I don't think
a box is very strong, Chad.
- Box.
Half bear, half ox.
[grunting]
- [grunts]
Hey.
- Aah!
Yeow!
[groans]
[muffled screaming]
- Mmm, a souvenir.
- Sorry to take up your time.
I didn't know
where else to turn.
- [sighs]
You were wise to come to us.
- Let me guess,
Nate asked you
to get him out of gym class
and you can't say no.
- Well, that's right!
How did you know?
- [sighs]
This has been going on
for years, Mr. Wright.
- Hey, Dad, I'm gonna have
cheesy snacks for dinner.
That's cool, right?
Mmm.
- N--
[sighs]
- Hey, I made a zipline
out of Ellen's hair.
She sheds more than Spitsy.
[Spitsy barks]
Sound good to you?
- N--
- [laughs]
[loud crash]
- [gasps]
- Hey, hey, hey!
I just adopted
the entire animal shelter.
Whoa, whoa!
The lemurs are biting
my ankles!
Can we keep them all, Dad?
- N--[sighs]
- [grunts]
- You kids are right.
I've created a monster.
[sobs]
[whispering indistinctly]
- There, there, Martin.
It's not too late.
We've got
the perfect three-step plan
to make Nate respect you
as an authority figure.
It is foolproof,
if I say so myself.
- I can't thank you enough,
children.
[blows nose]
- Ugh.
[melancholy music]
- Aww.
Why did it have to be
figure skating?
I'm gonna need a miracle
to get out of this.
- La di da di di di daa
la di da
- You hearing that too?
- La di da
La di da
- Miracle, here I come.
[elegant music]
Hey, Chad.
- [grunts]
[gasps] Nate.
What are you doing here?
Now one was supposed
to know about this.
- Aw, what do you mean, buddy?
You're the answer
to all my hopes and dreams.
- It's not safe
for you to see me.
Ahh!
- Um, what just happened?
- As Nate's
most enabling-est friend,
allow me to introduce
step one in your course,
mischief management.
I will be teaching you
how to recognize
the seedlings
of mischief in Nate
before they blossom
into a full-grown,
carnivorous plant
that will inevitably
destroy us all.
Observe.
The crazy gleam
Nate gets in his eye
as he's conjuring up
a wild idea.
- Hey, I recognize that look.
- [scoffs] Uh, yeah.
Of course you do, Nate's dad.
- Oh, please, call me Martin.
- Nah. These are
some of the things Nate says
before he's about to commit
una locura.
Any of these should put
you on high alert.
"I have an idea."
"I got this."
"What happens
if I push this button?"
"Do you dare me to eat this?"
And last but not least,
"Can 11-year-olds
get arrested
for fill in the blank?"
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[doorbell chimes]
[cat growls]
- Hey, Chad.
- Ahh.
- Look, I know
this is a little awkward,
but can we talk
about what happened
yesterday on the pond?
- Wha--uh--
[sighs]
- Huh?
[ominous music]
[cat meows distantly]
We have to be quick.
My mom and grandma
are out milking the cats,
but they'll be back
any minute.
- Uh, hold up,
you can milk a cat?
- Oh, yeah it's tricky,
but totally worth it.
Cat ice cream is delicious.
- Ooh
[slurps]
- [gags]
- [sighs]
Oh, sorry, Nate.
That was so rude of me.
Would you like a glass?
- Chad, why are you being
so strange?
I mean, you know,
stranger than usual.
And why is
the word "ice" crossed out
on your ice maker?
- Oh! Shh.
No, no, no.
We don't say that word
in this house.
- What word?
Ice?
Dude, you are freaking me out.
Are you in Witness Protection
or something?
[gasps]
Are your mom and grandma
vigilante outlaws?
Because that would be awesome.
- Uh
[sighs]
[slurps]
No more secrets.
[burps]
[meows]
[tense music]
They don't know
I know where this is.
[grunting]
[cat burps]
[meows]
- Whoa!
[nostalgic music]
Chad, who are
all those pictures of?
- Well, this is
Pop Pop Applewhite,
And this is
Great Pop Pop Applewhite.
And this, of course, is
Great Great Pop Pop Applewhite.
- Okay, you know what?
Genuinely sorry I asked.
- Nate, I think it's about time
that I tell you the tale
of "The Curse
of the Applewhites."
In the Old Country,
the Applewhites,
or as they pronounced it
back then,
the Pflurgetstumps,
were expert figure skaters,
beloved by all.
People came from far and wide
to see them skate.
But when bogus "Santa Clauses"
started offering
half-priced sleigh rides,
the Applewhites' popularity
started to wither and die.
That's when my Great
Great Great Great Pop Pop
went searching
for the all-powerful Sequinia,
the figure skating spirit
who lived deep in the forest.
Sequinia showed him
the Rusty Buzzsaw,
a move so complex
that it would,
once mastered,
make our family
the greatest figure skaters
of all time.
But it was a trap.
Sequinia knew that performing
the Rusty Buzzsaw
is almost impossible.
Every Applewhite
who has tried
has ended up in that great
ice rink in the sky.
And that's how the move,
meant to bring
my family fame,
instead became a curse.
- [laughs evilly]
- Figure skating
has been forbidden
in the Applewhite family
ever since.
- Chad, my boy,
you're in luck.
Nate Wright
is going to graciously
and selflessly
help you break that curse
while you help me overcome
my deep trauma
around figure skating
so I don't embarrass myself
in front of the entire school.
Did I mention
I made a blood oath?
- You did.
Okay.
- Okay?
Wait, that--that's it?
After all that?
- Yeah, I'm easy.
- [grunts]
Ahh.
[grunts]
Oooh.
Ah ha ha.
[groans]
- I heard you found
another partner
Does he ice skate
better than I can?
I saw it
with my own eyes
I fell to the ground
Is it because I turned you
into a popsicle?
I guess that may have been
a little bit too much
Is that what made you
give up on our love?
I am in the bushes
watching you two skate
- Oh, no, no, no
- I am here
just through those leaves
Can you not feel me?
- Oh, no, no
- I am staring my hardest
But I'm not the one
you're skating with
all: Oh, no, no,
no, no, no.
- I'm skating by myself
All alone.
- Yeah.
- [giggles]
- Welcome to step two.
Homework.
It's important for Nate
to actually get
his homework done.
Not only will he get
better grades,
but the academic effort
will sharpen his brain.
[all laugh]
- Can't imagine
Nate doing homework.
- [panting]
Chad, we've been
at this for hours.
Maybe it's time we attempt
[whispering]
the Rusty Buzzsaw.
- Yeah.
I mean, why not?
I've had a full life.
[dramatic music]
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Whoa!
[grunts]
- [gasps] What do you think
you're doing?
- Ma, Gram,
how did you find me?
- We were out milking Sparkles
when Gram picked up your scent.
- Female Applewhites
have powerful sniffers.
It's how we survived so long
in the Old Country.
- This isn't
what it looks like.
- It looks like my son
is engaged
in forbidden
moonlight ice skating
with his best friend.
- Well, it's exactly
what it looks like.
- Oh, you are
grounded indefinitely!
- You will never ice skate
or see that foul-smelling
Wright boy ever again.
- [grunts]
[whining]
- [sniffs]
I smell?
- Martin,
welcome to the last step
of your training, step three,
reverse improv.
Now, are you familiar
with the concept
of "Yes and"?
- Yes, and--
- No, and!
All right,
you're not getting it,
so all you have to do
is say "No, and"
to our crazy asks.
So when Nate comes to you
a nutso idea,
you're ready to say no.
[claps]
- Hey, Mr. Wright, I mean, Dad.
Cool if I skip school
for the day
to go skateboarding?
Ugh, I feel dirty
even saying that.
Sure thing, son.
Ahh.
- Martin!
What did I just say
about using "No, and"?
All right, um, let--
let's try this again.
[clears throat]
I'm going to try
bungee jumping with a cord
made of toilet paper.
- Hmm. Are we talking
public restroom toilet paper
or extra plush?
I mean, n--
[vocalizing]
[sighs]
Yes.
Ahh!
- Oh, hey, Dad,
can I go kick-flip
off the roof of our house
into a pool filled with
pudding?
- Dream big, kiddo.
Ahh!
Ahh!
I don't think I can do this.
[melancholy music]
- Ah, Martin, what's wrong?
- Oh, I don't know, Dee Dee.
I guess I just don't like
the word "no."
You see, the world
has told me no so many times.
Like the time I wanted
to start a rock band of mimes
or wear a trashcan
as clothes.
- Mmm. The world
just wasn't ready.
- I don't think I have it in me
to say no to Nate.
Thanks for trying anyway.
- Poor Nate's dad.
He doesn't stand a chance.
[dramatic music]
[whistle twirs]
- [shivering]
- All right, kids.
Huddle up and listen here.
- Oh, hey, Coach John?
Where's Chad?
- He's doing alternative gym.
- [gasps]
But that's for the scary kids.
[rock music plays]
- Ahh!
Psst, hey, Chad.
- Nate, what are
you doing here?
- Busting you out.
Create a diversion.
- It's so funny
how your lips move
without making any noise.
- Oh, for the love of--
- [growls]
- I said create a diversion.
- Okay.
[pencil scribbling]
- [groans]
- Diversion is math, right?
- [grunts] Oh, I always
gotta do everything myself.
[cocks turkey leg]
Turkey leg!
[splat]
[all growling]
- Hey, nice work, partner.
- I don't know
if we should
really be talking, Nate.
You see, Gram forbid it,
and she's a scary, scary lady.
They used to stick her
in fields to scare crows away.
- Chad, focus. I need your help
and you need mine.
If we work together,
we can break this curse
and pass gym class.
- You know what I have
to say to that, Nate?
- Whoa!
Do you always wear that?
[golf cart beeping
- Hey, now,
ladies and gentisicles,
the ice hockey players
have no more time
left on the ice,
so it's time
for our figure skaters
to take the ice.
The first up, Kim Cressley.
All right, give it up.
- Come on, Nate!
- [grunting]
- Er, thank you, Kim,
for that very confusing
and slightly concerning
performance.
These kids get weirder
and weirder every year.
Okay, now, last but not least,
Nate Wright
to the ice, please.
Nate Wright!
- Come on, Nate.
- [snickers]
I just love giving
Fs in gym.
- Last call
for Nate Wright.
Ahh, there you are.
And it looks like
you brought a partner.
[chuckles] These crazy kids
love to keep me
on my frost-bitten toes.
- Applewhite,
what are you doing
out of your portable?
- [sniffs]
- Chad, what are you doing?
- Something I should have done
a long time ago.
- But your Pop Pop,
and his Pop Pop,
and his Pop Pop's Pop Pop,
and--
- Ladies, I'm gonna
have to insist
that you sit down.
Okay?
Booties down, please.
Booties down.
Sit your butt--
sit your butt down.
- Partner?
- Partner.
- Tell me how am I supposed
to live without you?
I've only been
loving you so long
- Hmm.
- [grunts]
- How am I supposed
to live without you?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- But how am I supposed
to carry on?
- Are they doing
the Rusty Buzzsaw?
This move has killed
more figure skaters
than Spandex poisoning.
Can they do this?
[clears throat]
Coach John,
please tell me they signed
a liability waiver.
- [grunts]
[ice cracking]
- Martin, you can
put a stop to this.
Just say no!
It's too dangerous.
- Some truly horribly injuries
could come from this.
Frost bite,
limbs snapping like twigs.
- Oh, no!
- Uh-oh.
- What were we thinking?
- N--
- Mr. Wright!
- Nate's dad!
both: Ahh!
- My God, I don't think
a soul has ever survived
this move.
[dramatic music]
both: Ahh!
- Noooo!
[all grunt]
- Dad!
You saved us!
- No! No! No!
No. No.
- You did it, ND.
- Uh, you can stop
saying no now.
- No!
Son, I would rather
crush your spirit
than have you crush your face
doing something dangerous.
- But what about the curse?
- Well, technically
we completed the move.
My dad just helped us
stick the landing.
- Mom!
Gram!
The family curse is broken.
- [sobbing]
- I love you so much, Gram.
- Thought I had another one.
[screeches]
- The "B" is just
for barely passing,
and the minus
is for the help from Daddy.
- Hmm.
Passed gym, broke a curse.
Nobody but Nate Wright
could have pulled this off.
Who wants to skate?
- I do, my little ice monkey.
- Can't breathe.
Dad, can you give me a hand?
- Sorry, son,
the answer is no.
[laughter]
- His face!
[mellow folk music]