Bizaardvark (2016) s01e16 Episode Script

1 Okay.
This is the biggest video Bizaardvark's ever done! How many dancers do you think we'll need? I'd say anything less than 300 would be a huge, creative compromise.
And we'll obviously need the most expensive sports car available.
Two of them.
We don't want people to question our commitment.
And are we absolutely sure it's necessary to build our own dance club from the ground up in order to match the one we're imagining in our minds? I'm offended you'd even ask me that.
That means our total budget will be (sighs) Both: Wowza.
Did someone say "Wowza"? You must be talking about this expensive new suit I bought as a way of legitimizing myself.
(ripping noise) Agh.
I'm guessing $20 is not a lot to pay for a suit.
Turns out the budget for our new video is a little more than we can afford.
You're not gonna believe this, but I think I might actually have the answer to your problem.
This morning I got a call from a Whoa! What is this? Um Bernie? You said you had the answer to our problem? Huh? Oh right.
Remember that crowdfunding site Liam set up for you guys? Well, this morning I got a call from a billionaire, and he Man, this game is incredible.
It's like some strange, sophisticated puzzle.
Bernie! - The billionaire.
- Uh, yeah.
Um, apparently, he's a fan and wants to meet you and maybe finance your videos and I'm sorry, is this a professional sport? Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
So we are here to see Hugh.
Is one of you Hugh? Hey, there.
I'm Hugh.
I hope these two chatterboxes aren't talking your ears off! Uh we have fun.
Wow! I can't believe I have Bizaardvark in my game room.
I'm a huge fan.
Wait, you're the one we came to see? A teenage billionaire? I prefer to think of myself as a normal teenager who happens to have a billion dollars.
Isn't that the same thing? When you're rich, you don't really have to make sense.
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Please, sit down.
- Ooh, a rich person's couch.
- Oooh! I consider myself a benefactor of the comedic arts.
I like to help creative Vuuuglers realize their dreams.
Then you're in luck, because we are two very creative Vuuuglers with one very expensive dream.
It's a video idea called "The Party Don't Stop.
" - I love it! Let's do it.
- Really? Thanks, Hugh.
Please call me Hugh, the normal teenage billionaire.
This is a big one, Amelia.
I'm just about prepped for my one-armed, handstand motorcycle jump with a lobster in my pants.
Didn't someone already do that dare? What? Impossible! Uh, one-hand, motorcycle, lobster, idiot.
(gasps) Here it is! (gasps) Who is this guy? Whoa this guy's hot! She has slow-motion hair, just like mine! What up, dare-peeps? It's me, Dare-Me-Girl, the raddest, baddest, most awe-inspiring daredevil in the world! What? I'm the raddest, baddest, most awe-whatever-ing daredevil in the world.
And the only person worthy of the official Dare-Me name.
- What are you doing? - Inviting this girl here so I can give her a piece of my mind.
The doctor says I can spare one more! Frankie: New Video Premiere.
(crowd chattering) (muffled music thumping) (electronic music playing) Uh-oh It's your girls, Paige and Frankie We go party all night Ha ha, yup Pull up to the club and we lookin' so fresh Everybody's starin' 'cause they know who we is We'd be tearin' it up They'd be screamin' our names We'd be spending' all these dollars, baby, makin' it rain Dancin' on the floor, buzzin' like a live wire Turn it to eleven and we (yawning) Sorry about that haven't slept much But that ain't gonna stop us from livin' it up The party don't stop The party don't stop Uh uh uh uh The party don't stop The party don't stop The party don't stop And neither will we (alarm clock ringing) Who the dopest chiquilla? Who the life of the party? Yeah, I'm guilty as charged, just gettin' started Now I'm spinnin' the decks, 'cause I'm down for whatever All the people they I could do this forever Someone hand me a pillow 'cause I'm ready for sleep - Wait, what'd you say? - Uh, I said let's turn up the beat Because the party don't stop The party don't stop The party don't stop Uh uh uh uh The party don't stop The party don't stop The party don't stop And neither will we (air horn blares) (yawning) Ah ha ha ha ho party (yawning) Ah ha ha ha ha can't take it (yawning) Ah ha ha ha ha VIP (yawning) Ah ha ha and tonight we're goin' hard like (snoring) I don't wanna go to school.
Ohhh, there's a monster chasing me.
Now all my teeth fell out.
(snoring) - (cheering) - Bizaardvark.
Wow, guys.
I love it! And I've never seen my bodyguards laugh like that.
Thanks, Hugh.
It was so great working with you this past week.
Yeah, thanks for all the money.
You can't leave! There's still so much fun stuff I can show you.
- Should we stay? - Well, he's kind of a weirdo but fun stuff is cool.
Virtual reality.
I think this technology could take your videos to the next level.
I do like levels.
That's a stupid thing to say, Paige, but okay.
So relaxing.
I can't feel my anything.
Wow, Hugh great virtual reality.
I like levels now, too.
Well, time to go.
We'll keep in touch.
Oh, Bizaardvark.
You're not going anywhere.
(both scream) Aw, great, I already have to pee.
Hugh, what are you doing? Our parents know we're here! Yeah, are you crazy? Uh, uh, uh I prefer the term "enthusiastic.
" (laughs) This is not funny, Hugh.
Comedy is subjective! Okay, I don't have to pee anymore.
It might surprise you to know that I don't have any friends.
- What? - No! But I think that I would make more friends if I was funny.
That's why I brought you here.
I consider you two to be comedy experts.
Well, I don't know about experts, but we have been doing comedy for the past - Paige! - We don't know anything about comedy.
(laughing) That's what I'm talking about! Just make me funny, and I'll let you go.
(laughs) (both laughing) You don't need us, Hugh.
You're already funny.
Yeah, yeah, just wheel us outside, and leave us at a bus stop and we're good.
Now you're talking down to me.
I don't like it when people talk down to me.
It makes me very enthusiastic.
Now to the comedy! Well, well, well.
If it isn't Dare-Me-Girl.
You got a lotta nerve showin' up here.
- You invited me.
- No, you are! Nice little Dare Lair you got here.
It looks safe.
Okay here's the deal.
There's not enough room in the Dare-Me-Verse for two Dare-Me people.
You need to ditch the "Dare-Me," and just be "Girl.
" Or you can shorten your name to "Loser.
" Oh ho ho ho! Oh ho! Ohh! Anyway doesn't matter.
I'm the best Dare-Me person, so I'm keeping the Dare-Me name.
You think you're the best? Last night I slept on a bed of snakes! I've eaten a bed of snakes! - I've wrestled wild pigs! - I am a wild pig! - What does that even mean? - I don't know, I was just tryin' to keep up! Okay, look.
It's obvious there's only one way to settle this - A dare off! - I kiss you! - What? - Or a dare off.
We come up with a super epic dare and go head-to-head.
The winner keeps the Dare-Me title.
I like where your head's at, Dare-Me-Girl.
Thank you.
And I like your idea, too.
Hey, have you seen Paige or Frankie? Can't talk.
I'm on an amazing streak.
How many times have you gotten the ball in the cup? Not once! It's like I have a gift.
You're supposed to get the ball in the cup.
(scoffs) I don't think so.
That seems really, really easy.
It's this string that's the problem.
It's Paige and Frankie are missing, Bernie.
When was the last time you saw them? Let's see we hung at school then the lounge then I sent them to meet a mysterious billionaire in his mysterious mansion then I saw them in a dream Ugh, you're so boring, let's just go! If you wanna learn about comedy, here's lesson one.
It's easier to be taught by someone not strapped to a gurney! I could hang you upside down from the ceiling by your ankles.
Okay, lesson two.
Comedy is all about surprise.
People laugh when they think you're gonna do one thing, and then you do something else.
Gotcha! Like, if I said I had a gift for you, but then surprise! I hung you upside down from the ceiling by your ankles! - Ha! - We're gonna die here! Uh, uh, let's move on to observational humor.
Anything you've noticed that you think other people could relate to? Oh, sure, sure.
Oh you ever notice that when you go to buy flesh-eating scorpions at the store, the woman working there's always like: "We don't sell flesh-eating scorpions here.
" No! Um, uh, how How about impressions? Any impressions you can do? Oh-oh, yeah.
This is my impression of a girl I know named Eva.
"I'm in a dungeon!" Or should I do Dan? "Oh, no!" "These flesh-eating scorpions are eating my flesh! "And where did you even get them? I know they don't sell flesh-eating scorpions at the store!" Do you do any impressions of people who aren't in life-threatening danger? - I do a great dead guy.
- Okay, help, help! (doorbell rings) Uh-oh looks like you guys gotta roll.
Get it? 'Cause you're strapped to gurneys with wheels? (screams) I hate you! Put them away and get right back here.
Stupid wannabe cops! You're a disgrace to your bodyguard school! - Yeah, it's a shame! - (Door closing, locking) Hi! Paige it's Eva Gutowski.
I literally love your life.
I'm in a dungeon.
Huh Hugh does do a really good Eva.
Hi, uh, have you seen our friends, Paige and Frankie? No.
Haven't seen them since we finished their video.
Whoa! You're Amelia from Perfect Perfection! And is this your little boy? Hey! Would a little boy have a suit like this? - (ripping noise) - (chuckles nervously) You're an odd little fella.
Not a Vuuugler, though.
Show him out.
(ripping noise) Is there a discount men's store nearby? Hey, isn't that Paige's backpack? By the way, I've always found your whole "oblivious" act so funny.
It's like weird, dangerous stuff can be happening all around you, and you still just keep talking about you! Well, aren't you the sweetest thing for saying you're a fan, and then a bunch of other words! Would you like a tour? You can't lock me in here! My friends are here? Dungeon sleepover! Why is he taking all these Vuuugle stars? Same reason he took you to teach him how to be funny.
He's brought dozens of Vuuuglers here.
But he says that everyone fails him, and he never lets anyone go.
- Ever! - (screaming) - (laughing) - (screaming) No, you're right (screaming) You billionaire psycho, let us out of here right now! I'll eat your hair! Aw.
He picked me.
Eva, I need you to come with me.
Okay.
Bye, dungeon.
I love you.
(Amelia laughing) Why are you laughing? Don't tell me you lost it just like Eva.
The old chewing gum on the latch trick.
This ain't my first rodeo, ladies.
Both: Amelia! Oh, please.
You can't have a great exit line and then just stand there.
You think this is my first rodeo? Well, between the two of us, we've done every hardcore dare there is: Explosion dares, cannon dares, writing-down-and-crossing-off dares dares.
How are we gonna figure out who gets to keep the Dare-Me name? Wait.
There's one hardcore dare I don't think either of us have attemped.
It's the "Make Yourself a Human Banana Split" dare! Thanks to the good people at Wendell's Hardcore Ice Cream.
The soft ice cream with the hardcore flavor.
(coughing) Sell-out.
Here we go! Dares! Yours is better.
I'm a hungry man That's what I am I'm a hungry man That's what I am I'm a hungry man I'm a hungry man That's what I am A hungry man A hungry man So! Who won? I don't know.
Maybe we should've come up with some ground rules first.
Dirk! Paige, Frankie and Amelia were captured by a crazy billionaire! You've gotta do something! Also, hey! Our friends were captured? This is fantastic! - It is? - Yes! Because we're gonna rescue them best rescue gets to keep the Dare-Me name? Dare accepted! Dude, this girl is perfect for you to set me up with.
There's no sign of the bodyguards.
We just need to make it down that hall and we're home free.
(muted audience laughter) Did you guys hear that? It sounds like it's coming from the other side of the wall.
Ugh.
Look at the way he decorated this place.
So tacky.
(audience laughter) Amelia, you found a secret door.
Ugh.
A secret door? So tacky.
(audience laughter) What is this place? I mean, what's the deal with prisoners complaining so loud? It's like, soundproof walls, am I right? (laughter) Whoa there's there's Eva! Eva! Eva, come on, we're getting out, Ev E (laughs) What's wrong with her? Hey, anybody out there from Los Angeles? Woo-hoo! That's exciting! 'Cause that's the name of the place where I live! - Uh-oh.
- Run! Hello, ladies.
So glad you could make it to my big show.
- What are you doing to us? - Yeah, let us go! Oh, don't worry, I'll let you go, comedic pause, into my audience of Vuuuglers whose brains have been reprogrammed to find me hilarious.
Well, his timing is not bad.
What do those wires do? Oh, they just check your heart rate.
- That's good.
- These wires will turn your brain to mush! Bad.
Bad, bad! Is it gonna hurt? Oh, my word, yes.
Dare-Me-Girl: Niagara Falls Dare! Bodyguard: Oooooh Did somebody order a rescue? Did somebody order a wall? Well, looks like we both took out one bad guy, which means we're tied.
There's only way to settle this.
- I kiss you! - Arm wrestling! Oh, man, I think I missed my chance! Uh, Dirk and girl Dirk, you think you could maybe sort that out after you unstrap us? Yeah, and one of you might wanna stop that crazy billionaire from escapin'! Wait a minute.
You're not goin' anywhere.
I heard you were a little mean to my friends.
A little mean? He locked us in Hold on! You'll get your turn to talk.
Hugh, do you have something to say to the girls? (sigh) I guess I'm sorry.
Paige and Frankie? Don't you have something to say to Hugh? Both: No! - No.
He kept us in a dungeon! - He was gonna mush our brains! Only a little.
You see? There are two sides to every story.
- (groaning) - Guys! I got the ball in the cup! Has this been the best day or what? Hey, nice work back there Dare-Me-Girl.
Thanks Dare-Me-Bro.
- So I guess this is goodbye? - I guess it is.
Hey.
I dare you to call me sometime.
Thought you'd never dare.
By the way what's your name? Pam.
Oh.