Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s01e16 Episode Script
Josh's Sister Is Getting Married!
1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Oh-oh! Whatever happened with you and your ex? Ex? Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.
- Do you love her? - No.
You forgive me? Of course, I forgive you, Joshy.
Love doesn't work out for me, ever.
Dr.
Akopian: So you are unhappy.
Yeah.
Duh.
Dr.
Akopian: Maybe it's time you see what else is in your life, besides Josh Chan.
Oh, my gosh, you have changed my life, Dr.
Dream Ghost Akopian.
You made me see past all of my delusions that were holding me back.
Josh, you don't understand? You don't see what this has all been about for Rebecca? Josh: Rebecca, are you in love with me? I was working hard at a New York job Making dough but it made me blue One day I was crying a lot And so I decided to move To West Covina, California Brand-new pals and new career It happens to be where Josh lives But that's not why I'm here - She's the crazy ex-girlfriend - What? No, I'm not.
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend That's a sexist term.
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend Can you guys stop singing for just a second? She's so broken inside The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.
C-R-A-Z-Y Okay! We get it! Why do you have all these photos? Yep, okay, so here's what happened.
I had have had feelings for you, indeed, yes.
God, this is awkward, um, I came here to tell you that Valencia Valencia and you are staying together.
- No I-I-I I gathered.
- Yeah.
I get it and that makes sense, yeah.
Josh, I'm actually very glad you're here, because, um, I realized some things on my recent trip.
And, um, one of the things I realized is that I need to break my old patterns.
Okay.
Yes, uh, starting with (sighs) I've been horrible to Valencia, like, really horrible, and I really want to reach out to her.
- I really wouldn't.
- I really think I should.
She really hates your guts.
Understandable, and I will just have to transcend that.
I am trying to break free of anything unhealthy or damaging.
So, um, that starts with, uh, trashing these.
Unless you want them.
- (both laugh) - No, no, that's okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Although, um, you know, some of those are great angles that you can't get with a selfie, so, uh - Sure, yeah, yes.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Okay, well, there it is.
That's the last of the Josh Chan stuff.
There was stuff? No.
Well, I guess I should go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, get out.
- Get out of here.
- (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Bye, Josh.
(sighing) Can I get another beer? I'm trying to study.
Studying and drinking at the same time: good decision.
I know, right? It's easy.
It's extension school.
I-I don't like to tell a lot of people this, but I got into Emory Business School.
It's a pretty good school.
They call it like the Harvard of the South.
I thought the Harvard of the South was Vanderbilt.
No.
No.
No.
Yeah, so I got into school, and then my dad got sick, so now I'm working my way through school here.
You know? I can't be slinging drinks to losers until I'm like 60 years old.
(scoffs) Oh, boy, look at this.
Just what I need.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I thought you drank at Home Base.
I drink anywhere, but I do my study-drinking here.
Got it.
Can I pull up a stool next to you, or do you want to be alone? I could go home and drink some mouthwash.
Mouthwash, wow.
That's almost as sad as a girl coming to a strange bar by herself.
Sad says the man with an open textbook next to an open container.
This is fun.
I like this.
Do you want to hang out for a while and insult each other? Ah, what would your girlfriend think about that? Um, Heather? Uh, yeah, no, we're done-zo.
(blows raspberry) Oh, wow.
I had no idea.
Can I get you a drink? Nothing goes better with a fine lager than a little snark.
Wait.
Go back to the Heather thing.
Are you okay? Let's-let-let's talk.
Talk is not on the bar menu, but we could ask.
Okay, so, yeah, here's the thing.
Old me would have been totally down for, like, an old-fashioned barb fest, but I've decided recently that I'm trying to change my patterns.
So I'm gonna go.
No, come on.
Come on.
I'm a glutton for punishment.
Stay.
Let's do this.
We can make bad decisions together.
We could run in traffic.
No? Okay.
Boy, she really digs you.
She's in love with someone else, but I figure ten, 11 years of me trying, I'm a lock.
Okay, what is happening? Why are you throwing out all this Josh stuff? I told you, I've gone cold turkey on the Chan.
I'm done.
It's not good for me, and you know that.
D oh, G you have to keep the macaroni portrait.
That took two weeks.
No, no, Paula, I'm breaking my old patterns.
Break old pat I What does that even mean? Did you go to a bumper sticker store? No, I just realized a lot of things on my trip to New York, while I was in a bumper sticker store.
Okay, but you're right about this, actually, it has a lot of dry goods on it, it actually could be useful for my earthquake kit, - so I will keep this.
- That's my girl.
But everything else goes in the trash.
- Hmm, hmm.
- Oh, come on.
(gasps) Not Channy bear.
I forbid it.
Fine, maybe I'll just put Channy bear on a high shelf in case of a bear-mergency.
But the rest of this is going, bye.
- Oh, come on - Bye, letters to Josh.
First drafts, second drafts.
- In the trash.
- No.
- Yep.
- That's - That's insanity.
- Nope.
Nope.
Good-bye, Josh thong that I never wo I don't wear thongs.
Why did I even get this? You have finally lost it.
You have left the reservation and I-I can't I'm not I can't watch it.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm not supporting this.
No, uh-uh.
Hey I'm so nervous, aren't you? That last test (groans) Was pretty easy, at least for me.
Wow, that's impressive.
You must be smart.
Yeah, well.
I-I don't like to tell people this, but, um Oh, you don't have to tell me something you don't like to I got into the Harvard of the South.
Emory? You know it? Emory? The Harvard of the South is Duke.
No.
No, no.
Emory.
Google it.
Professor: So, everyone, overall there were some nice efforts, but, uh, some of you, I'm sad to say, fell short.
I'm really not sure what rubric you're using to grade these, but Doesn't take much of a rubric to see that you didn't put in much of an effort here.
Oh, well, you know, I work full-time.
My dad is sick.
I work two jobs and my husband is dead.
I am very sorry to hear that, but I was not involved.
Your next assignment is an essay due Friday.
You can do better, Mr.
Serrano.
You got into the Harvard of the South, after all, which you somehow managed to mention on your test.
A multiple choice test.
So, you're busting my balls about an intro class at an extension school? Cool, yeah.
Makes sense.
Look, I don't know you very well, but from where I stand, it seems like you've made the choice not to try or something.
Oh, please, don't you worry about my decisions.
I will decide about my decisions.
(mocking the teacher): Choosing not to try, Greg.
You got into Emory, Greg.
I mean, duh, I could have done better.
I could have gotten an âAâ on that test if I'd wanted to.
Whoop-de-frickin'-do, an âAâ What's an âAâ? It's just a letter on a page Meant to distract us from the pain But it's not like any âAâ can make a difference in the day Sure, I could get an âAâ if I wanted to get an âAâ But who cares about an âAâ? I don't I don't care Although I could have made that grade If I did care But I don't But I could if I wanted to Whoop-de-frickin'-do Look at this guy in the red and blue striped tie Making millions till he dies Selling bonds and stocks to other guys in ties Who have millions with which to buy A bunch of bonds and stocks and ties I'd rather die Which I will eventually, of course But in the meantime I could make millions selling stocks and bonds and ties If I tried But I don't But I could, but I don't But I could if I wanted to Yeah Yeah, I could if I wanted to Who cares? Whoop-de-frickin'-do A happy dad With his big dad calves And his stupid baseball cap And his T-ball shirt And dumb-ass son throwing a ball Like it's so important to know how to throw a ball Whoop-de-frickin'-do Who cares about throwing a ball Or having a kid It'll get you nowhere in life Not like getting anywhere matters Although I guess it does if you care Which I don't But I could, but I don't But I could if I wanted to Yeah Whoop-de-frickin'-do if I wanted to This song sucks I could make it good if I wanted to Yeah Yeah, I could if I wanted to.
I could do that if I wanted to.
You're an idiot.
(sighs) Oh, my God, this is nuts.
Okay, you can't give up on Josh right now.
You are so close.
Paula, he picked Valencia.
Like, in front of my face.
Game over.
What? No.
Game has just begun.
Okay, you have antibodies to his saliva.
You cannot give up.
You have traction.
He-he touched the side of your boob, I saw it.
(doorbell rings) - Can you get whoever that - Yeah, I will get that.
And just let's continue the convo later, okay? And if it's the people across the street from that church, just tell them I don't believe and will never believe.
Rebecca.
Hello, everyone in Josh's family.
Hi.
Oh, my gosh.
I haven't seen you since the last book club.
(squeals) I haven't seen you got engaged.
How does it feel? It feels like I've been waiting seven years for Phillip to propose, because I have.
(laughing) Let me see the rock.
Oh, my gosh, I mean, Phillip said he was going for it, but (whistles) He said you were so helpful getting it.
Oh, it was no problem at all.
I helped my client, Moshe, through a very complicated subdivision deal, and he said he could hook me up with non-blood diamonds at a discount.
And never pass up a good discount, right? I know what you're thinking Like, diamonds, discounts, those are some like classic Jew moves, you know? What are you doing here? Jayma has something to ask you.
Look, I know that this is sudden, and we haven't known each other that long God, I feel like I'm proposing or something.
You've been such a good friend to the family.
You wrote Jastenity that letter to get into Harvard.
Unfortunately the letter was better than her application, but she did get into Cal State Northridge, which is the Harvard of Northridge.
Yeah, it is.
There we go.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, how would you like to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Paula: You mean, be an official part of the Chan fam-bam? She'd love to.
You want me to be a bridesmaid.
Aw, you're such a lovely girl, Rebecca.
We would be so honored if you would become a part of our family wedding.
And you are the perfect height to pair with Phillip's friend, Daniel, who stopped growing after being a kid gymnast.
Um, actually, I-I don't know if I should.
Oh.
Paula: Okay, hey, why don't we just ? O-One second, Chan ladies.
Come here.
One One-one second.
Okay, this would kill Valencia.
Dead.
Down in the ground.
Like a bug.
Legs in the air.
Now she's a ghost, boo.
Okay, but, Paula, what have I been saying? I need to disengage and disentangle from dis family.
Know what I'm saying? Seriously, I-I want to make amends to Valencia, and this is like the opposite of that.
Yeah, okay, well, who says no to being a bridesmaid? You can't do that.
I mean, who does that? Monster people.
- I have a question.
- No.
Is Valencia a bridesmaid? Uh, not exactly.
By that she means no.
Like, ew, no.
Here's the thing, I-I'd love to be a bridesmaid, but I don't think it would be fair for me to be a bridesmaid and for Valencia not to be.
I guess you're right.
And Josh has asked for Valencia to be a bridesmaid about 50 times, so Great, so you get what I'm trying to say.
So you can both be in the wedding.
Sorry, what's that? Pardonnez-moi? You and Valencia can both be bridesmaids.
That way you don't have to worry about her not being included.
Very wise, Jayma.
It's settled, then.
Yeah, it is! (all laughing) (laughing): H-H-Hey.
I know you, from Spider's.
You were the sourpuss fighting with the girl in the shiny dress.
Hey, I'm, I'm not a sourpuss.
I'm pensive and deep.
Are you dusting potatoes? I like to look busy.
Well, you're out of dark roast.
I can't study without dark roast.
Could you get on that? Oh, yeah, sure, uh, no problemo.
Thanks.
Hi.
She's cute.
Are we being pleasant now? Sorry, I don't know your rules.
So, you two an item? Me and Ally? Oh, I wish.
She quit her job as a manager at a Whole Foods, came to work here.
I could not figure out why for the longest time.
And then I realized Greg: Hey, I know that guy.
Grocery clerk with half an eyelid.
His name is Brody.
I can't compete with him.
He has the flattop of a Greek god.
- This! - (both laugh) Whoa, you are so good at magic.
How do you do it? Uh-uh-uh.
A true magician never reveals his secrets.
Come on, Brody.
So you like her.
Yeah.
I don't have a shot.
I mean, look at her.
I should give up.
I know that's the right decision.
Are you sure she doesn't like you? Watch this.
Ally.
Ally.
Ally, though.
That's my type, too.
Ally.
(hisses) Oh, that's so hot.
Okay, bro, I gotcha.
I know exactly what you need to do.
So, you and Valencia are friends? Uh, kinda.
I'd say we share a history of common interests.
Of course, she's late.
She's the kind of person that has to make an entrance.
You know what? I don't think that's fair.
I wouldn't stereotype her as someone that Oh, sorry I'm late.
I just had some pictures taken for my Hometown Hotties submission to Maxim.
Ugh.
We ready to try on some dresses? Jas, come on.
Let's go pick out the first round of dresses.
(whispering): This is beautiful.
- Hey.
- Whoa! Hey, Valencia, hi, oh, uh, this is going to be so fun.
Are you ready to be, like, bridesmaid buddies? I want to make myself very, very clear.
Okay.
I know what happened.
I know about the kiss.
And if it were any other situation, I would take off my earrings, my extensions, and my wings, and curb-stomp you.
Got it, that's fair.
But, for some reason, you're the one that got me into this wedding party.
Josh told me it was all you.
- He did? - Yep.
I mean, I don't know why you did it, but I don't care.
Just stay out of my way and don't make me look bad to these people.
Hey, Valencia, I can do better than that.
I can make you look good.
Yeah, yeah, like, by the end of this, they're going to want to adopt you.
But maybe that's not, like, precisely what you want, but Oh, just shut up.
Okay.
How about this? This seems like a style that would work on everyone.
Well, most of us.
Valencia's right.
Uh, you know, uh, two-piece, halter, mesh dress might work well for you very lean ladies, but, yeah, not for this festival of back fat going on.
(laughing) Okay, well, what about this? Oh, my God.
Those are such beautiful nipple covers.
Yeah, those would definitely cover most of my nipples.
Yeah, guys, let me remind you, I eat bagels at night Valencia knows.
She knows all about my night bagels tell 'em, V.
Here's what you didn't know.
For my midnight bagel, I eat it with butter, cream cheese, and - bacon.
- (all laugh) Seriously.
S-R-S-L-Y.
Like, true story.
Okay, so why don't we try different styles in the same color? That's a great idea.
That's so Ni You know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's, like, really gracious.
It is, actually, a, a good idea.
That's the plan.
So you kids can go crazy with your halters and your sheaths and your cutouts, and I will wear a dress fit to upholster a chair.
And I will wear it with pride.
Rebecca, come on.
Yeah, you're not that disgustingly fat.
Aw, thank you, Valencia.
- Thank you.
- (laughter) (startled yell) Paula.
What have we said about standing places, quietly waiting for people? I forgot.
Okay, so how did it go with Valencia at the dress shop? Did you find any weaknesses? I was thinking that we could use your role as bridesmaid to really mess her up.
My first thought was poison oak in the dress.
Rashy nips, instant classic.
Paula.
What? We're not doing any of that.
- We're not.
- No.
We're just acting like normal people.
I'm going to be like any other teenage ex-boyfriend's sister's last-minute bridesmaid.
Yeah, so just be cool.
Understood.
I have my orders.
Where can a person buy poison oak, and what is the rashiest kind? (phone dings) Female Voice: Richard Kind is a 59-year-old actor, best known for his role in Spin City.
No.
Poison oak, rashiest kind.
(phone dings) Jim Rash is the award-winning writer of The Descendants.
Come on.
You're sure this is a good idea? Dude, she doesn't like you.
She's shown no interest.
She's way into someone else.
Why give up now? This is the right move.
Um, can I have everyone's attention, please? Hey! Hey! Hey, someone's trying to let it rip here.
- Thank you, Greg.
- You're welcome.
(clears throat) This goes out to a young lady currently restocking feminine products.
It's called âClean Up on Aisle 4.
â Not an actual cleanup, Rick.
Clean up my heart on Aisle 4 'Cause that's where it lays in a heap of green olives From the olive bar (mouthing) 'Cause I'm the pimento to your olive I want to be inside of you But instead my heart is on the floor Being crushed like The garlic we sell by the door.
(whispering): Oh, my God, it's working.
Look out, everybody, it's my body! (applauding) Whee! Teach me, teach me! Uh-uh, it's too hard.
You didn't tell me he was a gymnast.
He can do anything.
(phone chimes) Eh, can we get back to work, or am I boring you? I am so sor I'm sor it's a it's a bridesmaid text chain.
It's about it's about the word âcummerbundâ" It's it's a funny word.
Sorry.
Let's get back to the case.
The case? Who cares about the case? When are you getting the bridesmaid gowns? 'Cause I got a guy in Maine who's going to send me some primo itchy, sticky plants.
And he said he was going to throw in a couple deer ticks for, you know, a little extra Um, what are you talking about? Our plan - rashy nips.
- Oh.
- I say we roll the dice for, you know, some possible Lyme disease.
- I have so much to say - (phone chimes) Hold on one second.
Oh, oh, it's from Jayma.
It says emergency.
SOS.
411.
She means 911.
I wonder if Phillip got cold feet.
I have to go.
- What? - I have to go, I'm sorry.
What about our plan? There's no plan.
Ugh.
The dance we do.
- Hey, what's the emergency? - I don't know, do you? Guys.
There's something I need to tell you.
And it won't be easy.
My dress is done early, and I brought champagne! (all screaming) - (cork pops) - (whooping) - Oh, man.
- Wow.
All: Cheers! - Cheers.
- Cheers.
Valencia's so funny.
Oh, Valencia, tell them about the part with the old lady.
Yeah, so, this 90-year-old lady was in downward dog, and I said to her, âOkay, just breathe into it.
â And she said, âIf I breathe into it any harder, I'm gonna toot.
â (laughing) Oh, she's so funny.
She has a million yoga stories like these.
They're great.
Well, I've been practicing my humor.
I watched an online tutorial.
This was so much fun, you guys.
When Joshy and I get married, I want all of you to be in the wedding.
Except for you.
I mean, would it kill you to say something? Jastenity: She's not wrong, Ruby.
You're a dud.
Ah, man, I am tipsy.
This was so fun.
Oh, Jas, we got to go meet mom at the cake-tasting.
Can you guys stay and make skee the dress gets packed away perfectly? Like no wrinkles or bubbles.
Absolutely.
We're on it.
Valencia and I got this.
Yep, we got it.
Thanks, V.
You know, we all thought you were heinous, but you're kind of okay.
(laughs) - All right, bye, ladies.
- Bye, Jayma.
Drink a glass of water.
Wow.
(door bell jingles) They don't think I'm heinous anymore.
Jastenity even offered me a half stick of gum.
I said no because I bloat, but still Congrats.
Well, I guess we should, um, get the girls to pack up this big-ass dress.
Yeah, okay.
Hmm, wow.
Wow, this would look even worse on me than some of the others.
Oh, come on, stop.
I mean, you make jokes about your body, and they're pretty funny and mostly accurate, but with your big boobs, that dress would look great.
Are you kidding? No.
I'd be spilling out of this thing, and not like in a sexy, on purpose, Christina Hendricks type of way.
So? Guys don't care.
Guys love big boobs like yours.
I mean, sometimes I hate my small boobs.
I mean, I thought about getting implants.
What? No, don't do that.
Oh, my gosh, Valencia, if you knew what went into having a pair of monsters like these, you would never think about getting them again.
I'm gonna show you.
(gasps) Rebecca, you can't.
Valencia, once I put this dress on, you will never envy these puppies again.
Get ready.
(groans) (gasps) Ugh.
- (gasps) - Mm-hmm.
There yep.
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Dense like dying stars, I got them Heavy boobs, heavy boobs I can't run real far Let me break down what I just said Each of my double Ds Has the volume of a toddler's head Not bitchin' 'bout my boobies They look super fly in shirts But if I swung them in your face You'd be like, oh, my God, that hurts I'm blind, holy crap I literally can't see I have permanent retinal damage I'm suing you and your heavy boobies Heavy boobs, heavy boobs, dense like dying stars I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs - They each have their own memoirs - What you gotta know is that Boobs may be where it's at But if you cut them open They're just sacks of yellow fat Stuff falls into my bra It's a little bit of a drag But when I go to bed at night It's like opening a Mary Poppins bag Dancers: Whee, candy and pennies! I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Dense like dying stars I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Don't need an air bag in my car Here is a list of all of the objects That I can hold under my boobs Stapler, ten pencils Paperback copy of Arabian Nights Dog bone, remote control Hardback copy of Wuthering Heights See, when a star is dying, it transforms into a red giant.
And if the red giant does not have enough mass to fuse carbon, an inert mass of carbon and oxygen builds up in the center, transforming into a dense white dwarf.
And yeah, like, that's my boobs.
That's that's what my boobs are like.
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Dense like a white dwarf I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs They'd be a catch at Fisherman's Wharf I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Don't ever forget that These heavy boobs, heavy boobs Are just sacks of yellow fat Like the stuffing of a couch They're just sacks of yellow fat Technically meant to feed a baby They're just sacks of yellow fat.
Wow.
I had no idea.
No wonder my boobs are so small.
I have no fat on my body.
See? Exactly.
Problem solved.
Now, you try on the dress.
Yes.
Let's see how it looks with some nice B-cup action in there.
No.
I couldn't.
Wow.
Oh, my.
Valencia, you're going to make a really beautiful bride.
Josh is really lucky.
I hope.
I hope some day it is Josh and me, I really do.
It will be.
And I'm so sorry if I did anything to delay that dream.
I appreciate you saying that.
Do you mind taking a picture of me? Just for me.
I want to remember how I looked.
Of course.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, I got nothing to work with here.
I mean, I've already hacked into Valencia's e-mails and her texts.
Ooh, wait a minute, what's this? A photo stream? Oh, again.
You with the face.
What do you mean, how did I get Valencia's password? You know me.
Okay.
Let's see what we've got here.
Valencia's photos chocolate cake fried chicken Spaghetti with meatballs.
Oh, she just likes to look at food.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute, what is this? (gasps) I think that's Jayma's wedding gown.
Oh! You know, I've I've prayed to God my whole life, and I, and I never knew if she was listening, but (sighs) thank you, Big Mama.
(laughs) Uh, no wrinkles.
- Yeah, or bubbles.
- Thank you.
(phone chimes) We got this.
It says I have a new like on a photo.
I-I didn't take a photo, what is this? Hmm.
- (both gasp) - (door bell jingles) Hey! You ruined my wedding.
Yeah, bitch.
- How could you? - What's wrong with you? #HotterThanTheBride? I-I-I didn't do anything.
I didn't post a photo.
And my hashtags are always positive.
Like, #GirlBoss or #Fitspo.
Someone must be framing me or something.
What kind of psycho with no life would do such a thing? Oh, God, Paula.
You must have done it.
When I went to the bathroom.
This is why women don't go to the bathroom alone.
Excuse me, miss, I have a bone to pick with you.
I'm sorry, sir.
Can I help you? Yes, you can.
By helping yourself.
Stop chasing after the cartwheeling magician idiot boy, and start paying attention to the guy with the bountiful, beautiful hair, who happens to really care about you.
(laughing): Oh, you're friends with Marty.
I prefer mentor.
Ah, well, I've already told him I'm not interested.
Him continuing to chase after me is a terrible decision, which makes me respect him even less.
I mean, maybe if he backed off and let me come to him, maybe I would think about it.
Otherwise, can you tell him to stop with the songs and the texts and the skywriting? Okay.
What did you skywrite? Lyrics to the song.
Cost a fortune.
Oh, and it was so windy.
I basically paid for a cloud.
So what's next, coach? What do I do? What's my next move? I don't know.
I kind of think we do nothing.
I like that.
Like for a day? We slow-playing? No.
I actually think forever.
I think we got to call this one.
Go back to dusting potatoes.
You laugh, but who likes a dusty potato? Marty, Ally's right.
Chasing someone who isn't into you is a terrible move.
Trust me, I feel you.
I've been there.
You mean you and Rebecca Bunch.
Your friends come in here all the time talking about it.
God, I hate my friends.
Yeah, Marty, that's right.
I did that with Rebecca.
But watching you do it, I see what a bad call it was.
Actually, I'm realizing, I make a lot of bad calls in everything.
Yeah, me, too.
And I think we're the same.
I mean, I work here in a grocery store, even though I went to Harvard.
The Harvard of what? Just Harvard.
In Boston.
Wow, yeah, God.
Your decisions are just the worst.
Look, I already deleted it, so don't worry.
And we only got one like and it was from OMG, it's from Maxim's Hometown Hotties.
Sorry.
I'm telling you, it was Rebecca.
She's been "Single White Femaling" me since she got here.
Valencia You take one step closer, and I'm getting a restraining order, Jennifer Jason Leigh.
What I was going to say was, um You were right.
Yep, it was me.
- (gasps) - Yeah.
It was my idea for Valencia to put on the wedding dress, and then when I saw her in it, I-I got jealous.
And so I, uh, I stole her phone and I posted the picture.
I'm sorry.
I don't believe you.
Only someone crazy and sad would do that.
Um, yeah, and I'm both those things, so I'm, um, I'm sorry.
Valencia, I'm sorry we accused you.
Rebecca, you should go.
Yep.
Good-bye, Chans.
(women murmuring) (door opens, bell jingles) Before you start, you don't have to buy me champagne or a fur coat; just a simple thank you will suffice.
Paula.
Valencia's password was so easy.
Valencia1.
I mean, come on.
Paula! Just get in my office.
I told you not to do anything.
Wait, what? I mean, why didn't you listen to me? Oh, my God, why didn't I listen to you? Because if I listen to you, nothing would ever happen with Josh.
No Thanksgiving, no camp.
No kiss.
You, you didn't do all that by yourself.
And every time you said, âNo, Paula, don't do anything.
â And then I did anyway, and you were happy.
Wow, yeah, you're right.
Okay, that's the way it used to be, but it's not like that anymore, okay? No.
Paula, listen to me.
I'm done with Josh.
Oh, come on, I saw you.
You can't even throw away the macaroni portrait.
- I threw it away.
Everything's gone.
- Even Channy bear.
Yeah.
Channy bear sleeps with the fishes.
Nope.
I can't give up on Josh.
He's not yours to give up on.
Why are you so hung up on this? It's for you.
It-It's to make you happy.
No, it's not, because I just told It's because If we're not chasing Josh, then you're not going to want to hang out with me anymore.
I know it.
What? No.
Paula, no.
That's not true.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
He's our glue.
He's what holds us together, and I've barely seen you this week at all.
Paula, I love you.
Okay, you know that.
But we have to stop.
It's not good for me.
You and I will always be friends, okay, I promise.
But we don't need Josh Chan.
Because I don't need him.
Okay? Okay.
Hey.
(sighing) Hey.
Hi.
I'm sorry, I, um, I needed somewhere to drink, and I thought, I thought you'd be at school.
You're here.
What'll it be? It's last call.
Um, I guess, I don't know, I'll take some alcohol.
Do you know any alcohol names? Yes.
I will take a peach schnapps on the rocks? No, never mind.
Never order drinks again.
I'll make you something.
That's a lot of books you got there.
Yeah, I'm trying this really new radical approach to studying It's called studying.
Wow.
Is it working? Really well.
This is perfect.
What is this? It's this really exotic drink called the gin and tonic.
Well, I've never heard of a gin and tonic before, but I think it's gonna be really big.
- I'm sending in the patent.
- (laughs) Hey, what are you doing after this? Do you want to, like, I don't know, go to another bar, get a drink, or hang out at my place, or What happened? Did you and Josh get in a fight Is that what's going on? And you need a shoulder to cry on? So you come to Greg, 'cause that's what I do.
No, that's not what this is.
Rebecca, I would really love to hang out with you, I would, but I know what that leads to for me.
And I can't.
I can't be in second place again with you.
Okay, um Great.
Um, good to know.
I'm I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go.
(sighs) (knocking at door) Greg? Oh, Josh, I thought you were someone else, I What did you do? Y-Y-You hacked into Valencia's phone? Y-You said you were trying to keep your distance from me, a-and then you do this? This is how you make it up to Valencia? Okay, Josh, it's a long story, but all that matters is Valencia is now beloved by your family - and I'm out of the bridal party.
- Yeah, but Josh, focus on your girlfriend and on your family, okay? And the next time you want to come and talk to me, don't just show up at my door.
Oh okay.
Yeah, okay, cool.
Um, so could you go? I-I-I have something I need to do.
Are you kicking me out? Lil' bit.
Bye, Josh.
(door opens and closes) I'm sorry, Channy bear.
Hey, what's going on? Hi.
You okay? What No, I c I-I can't do this.
I-I can't eat a dusty potato.
Oh, God, is that what I taste like? I mean, I, I ate a, an old French fry off the floor of my car, but I sh It's a metaphor.
Wa you did what? It doesn't matter.
No, good God, stop, woman.
Greg, listen to me.
This isn't about anyone else but you.
Okay? You're not second choice.
I promise.
Listen, if this is going to happen, - you need to know something.
- Okay.
This isn't going to be like a roll in the hay and you go home.
This is going to be like three days of you and me just ruining each other.
And not emotionally.
Is that what you want? When do we start? I'm so glad we're finally doing this.
Me, too.
I mean, there's so many girls I could have brought here, like a whole bunch, but I chose you, Ashley.
- It's Ally.
- Don't care.
Can we have sex now? Yay.
Oh, my God.
You're an idiot.
And you're horrible.
Why do I always make the same mistake over and over again? I make terrible decisions.
I go for the lowest form of man because I'm afraid to be with someone I might actually connect with.
You know what? Screw this.
I'm going back to nursing school.
Wait, do you want me to do another cartwheel? I'm-I'm-I'm good at those.
Whatever.
She'll be back.
They always come back.
(slurping)
- Do you love her? - No.
You forgive me? Of course, I forgive you, Joshy.
Love doesn't work out for me, ever.
Dr.
Akopian: So you are unhappy.
Yeah.
Duh.
Dr.
Akopian: Maybe it's time you see what else is in your life, besides Josh Chan.
Oh, my gosh, you have changed my life, Dr.
Dream Ghost Akopian.
You made me see past all of my delusions that were holding me back.
Josh, you don't understand? You don't see what this has all been about for Rebecca? Josh: Rebecca, are you in love with me? I was working hard at a New York job Making dough but it made me blue One day I was crying a lot And so I decided to move To West Covina, California Brand-new pals and new career It happens to be where Josh lives But that's not why I'm here - She's the crazy ex-girlfriend - What? No, I'm not.
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend That's a sexist term.
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend Can you guys stop singing for just a second? She's so broken inside The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.
C-R-A-Z-Y Okay! We get it! Why do you have all these photos? Yep, okay, so here's what happened.
I had have had feelings for you, indeed, yes.
God, this is awkward, um, I came here to tell you that Valencia Valencia and you are staying together.
- No I-I-I I gathered.
- Yeah.
I get it and that makes sense, yeah.
Josh, I'm actually very glad you're here, because, um, I realized some things on my recent trip.
And, um, one of the things I realized is that I need to break my old patterns.
Okay.
Yes, uh, starting with (sighs) I've been horrible to Valencia, like, really horrible, and I really want to reach out to her.
- I really wouldn't.
- I really think I should.
She really hates your guts.
Understandable, and I will just have to transcend that.
I am trying to break free of anything unhealthy or damaging.
So, um, that starts with, uh, trashing these.
Unless you want them.
- (both laugh) - No, no, that's okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Although, um, you know, some of those are great angles that you can't get with a selfie, so, uh - Sure, yeah, yes.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Okay, well, there it is.
That's the last of the Josh Chan stuff.
There was stuff? No.
Well, I guess I should go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, get out.
- Get out of here.
- (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Bye, Josh.
(sighing) Can I get another beer? I'm trying to study.
Studying and drinking at the same time: good decision.
I know, right? It's easy.
It's extension school.
I-I don't like to tell a lot of people this, but I got into Emory Business School.
It's a pretty good school.
They call it like the Harvard of the South.
I thought the Harvard of the South was Vanderbilt.
No.
No.
No.
Yeah, so I got into school, and then my dad got sick, so now I'm working my way through school here.
You know? I can't be slinging drinks to losers until I'm like 60 years old.
(scoffs) Oh, boy, look at this.
Just what I need.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I thought you drank at Home Base.
I drink anywhere, but I do my study-drinking here.
Got it.
Can I pull up a stool next to you, or do you want to be alone? I could go home and drink some mouthwash.
Mouthwash, wow.
That's almost as sad as a girl coming to a strange bar by herself.
Sad says the man with an open textbook next to an open container.
This is fun.
I like this.
Do you want to hang out for a while and insult each other? Ah, what would your girlfriend think about that? Um, Heather? Uh, yeah, no, we're done-zo.
(blows raspberry) Oh, wow.
I had no idea.
Can I get you a drink? Nothing goes better with a fine lager than a little snark.
Wait.
Go back to the Heather thing.
Are you okay? Let's-let-let's talk.
Talk is not on the bar menu, but we could ask.
Okay, so, yeah, here's the thing.
Old me would have been totally down for, like, an old-fashioned barb fest, but I've decided recently that I'm trying to change my patterns.
So I'm gonna go.
No, come on.
Come on.
I'm a glutton for punishment.
Stay.
Let's do this.
We can make bad decisions together.
We could run in traffic.
No? Okay.
Boy, she really digs you.
She's in love with someone else, but I figure ten, 11 years of me trying, I'm a lock.
Okay, what is happening? Why are you throwing out all this Josh stuff? I told you, I've gone cold turkey on the Chan.
I'm done.
It's not good for me, and you know that.
D oh, G you have to keep the macaroni portrait.
That took two weeks.
No, no, Paula, I'm breaking my old patterns.
Break old pat I What does that even mean? Did you go to a bumper sticker store? No, I just realized a lot of things on my trip to New York, while I was in a bumper sticker store.
Okay, but you're right about this, actually, it has a lot of dry goods on it, it actually could be useful for my earthquake kit, - so I will keep this.
- That's my girl.
But everything else goes in the trash.
- Hmm, hmm.
- Oh, come on.
(gasps) Not Channy bear.
I forbid it.
Fine, maybe I'll just put Channy bear on a high shelf in case of a bear-mergency.
But the rest of this is going, bye.
- Oh, come on - Bye, letters to Josh.
First drafts, second drafts.
- In the trash.
- No.
- Yep.
- That's - That's insanity.
- Nope.
Nope.
Good-bye, Josh thong that I never wo I don't wear thongs.
Why did I even get this? You have finally lost it.
You have left the reservation and I-I can't I'm not I can't watch it.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm not supporting this.
No, uh-uh.
Hey I'm so nervous, aren't you? That last test (groans) Was pretty easy, at least for me.
Wow, that's impressive.
You must be smart.
Yeah, well.
I-I don't like to tell people this, but, um Oh, you don't have to tell me something you don't like to I got into the Harvard of the South.
Emory? You know it? Emory? The Harvard of the South is Duke.
No.
No, no.
Emory.
Google it.
Professor: So, everyone, overall there were some nice efforts, but, uh, some of you, I'm sad to say, fell short.
I'm really not sure what rubric you're using to grade these, but Doesn't take much of a rubric to see that you didn't put in much of an effort here.
Oh, well, you know, I work full-time.
My dad is sick.
I work two jobs and my husband is dead.
I am very sorry to hear that, but I was not involved.
Your next assignment is an essay due Friday.
You can do better, Mr.
Serrano.
You got into the Harvard of the South, after all, which you somehow managed to mention on your test.
A multiple choice test.
So, you're busting my balls about an intro class at an extension school? Cool, yeah.
Makes sense.
Look, I don't know you very well, but from where I stand, it seems like you've made the choice not to try or something.
Oh, please, don't you worry about my decisions.
I will decide about my decisions.
(mocking the teacher): Choosing not to try, Greg.
You got into Emory, Greg.
I mean, duh, I could have done better.
I could have gotten an âAâ on that test if I'd wanted to.
Whoop-de-frickin'-do, an âAâ What's an âAâ? It's just a letter on a page Meant to distract us from the pain But it's not like any âAâ can make a difference in the day Sure, I could get an âAâ if I wanted to get an âAâ But who cares about an âAâ? I don't I don't care Although I could have made that grade If I did care But I don't But I could if I wanted to Whoop-de-frickin'-do Look at this guy in the red and blue striped tie Making millions till he dies Selling bonds and stocks to other guys in ties Who have millions with which to buy A bunch of bonds and stocks and ties I'd rather die Which I will eventually, of course But in the meantime I could make millions selling stocks and bonds and ties If I tried But I don't But I could, but I don't But I could if I wanted to Yeah Yeah, I could if I wanted to Who cares? Whoop-de-frickin'-do A happy dad With his big dad calves And his stupid baseball cap And his T-ball shirt And dumb-ass son throwing a ball Like it's so important to know how to throw a ball Whoop-de-frickin'-do Who cares about throwing a ball Or having a kid It'll get you nowhere in life Not like getting anywhere matters Although I guess it does if you care Which I don't But I could, but I don't But I could if I wanted to Yeah Whoop-de-frickin'-do if I wanted to This song sucks I could make it good if I wanted to Yeah Yeah, I could if I wanted to.
I could do that if I wanted to.
You're an idiot.
(sighs) Oh, my God, this is nuts.
Okay, you can't give up on Josh right now.
You are so close.
Paula, he picked Valencia.
Like, in front of my face.
Game over.
What? No.
Game has just begun.
Okay, you have antibodies to his saliva.
You cannot give up.
You have traction.
He-he touched the side of your boob, I saw it.
(doorbell rings) - Can you get whoever that - Yeah, I will get that.
And just let's continue the convo later, okay? And if it's the people across the street from that church, just tell them I don't believe and will never believe.
Rebecca.
Hello, everyone in Josh's family.
Hi.
Oh, my gosh.
I haven't seen you since the last book club.
(squeals) I haven't seen you got engaged.
How does it feel? It feels like I've been waiting seven years for Phillip to propose, because I have.
(laughing) Let me see the rock.
Oh, my gosh, I mean, Phillip said he was going for it, but (whistles) He said you were so helpful getting it.
Oh, it was no problem at all.
I helped my client, Moshe, through a very complicated subdivision deal, and he said he could hook me up with non-blood diamonds at a discount.
And never pass up a good discount, right? I know what you're thinking Like, diamonds, discounts, those are some like classic Jew moves, you know? What are you doing here? Jayma has something to ask you.
Look, I know that this is sudden, and we haven't known each other that long God, I feel like I'm proposing or something.
You've been such a good friend to the family.
You wrote Jastenity that letter to get into Harvard.
Unfortunately the letter was better than her application, but she did get into Cal State Northridge, which is the Harvard of Northridge.
Yeah, it is.
There we go.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, how would you like to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Paula: You mean, be an official part of the Chan fam-bam? She'd love to.
You want me to be a bridesmaid.
Aw, you're such a lovely girl, Rebecca.
We would be so honored if you would become a part of our family wedding.
And you are the perfect height to pair with Phillip's friend, Daniel, who stopped growing after being a kid gymnast.
Um, actually, I-I don't know if I should.
Oh.
Paula: Okay, hey, why don't we just ? O-One second, Chan ladies.
Come here.
One One-one second.
Okay, this would kill Valencia.
Dead.
Down in the ground.
Like a bug.
Legs in the air.
Now she's a ghost, boo.
Okay, but, Paula, what have I been saying? I need to disengage and disentangle from dis family.
Know what I'm saying? Seriously, I-I want to make amends to Valencia, and this is like the opposite of that.
Yeah, okay, well, who says no to being a bridesmaid? You can't do that.
I mean, who does that? Monster people.
- I have a question.
- No.
Is Valencia a bridesmaid? Uh, not exactly.
By that she means no.
Like, ew, no.
Here's the thing, I-I'd love to be a bridesmaid, but I don't think it would be fair for me to be a bridesmaid and for Valencia not to be.
I guess you're right.
And Josh has asked for Valencia to be a bridesmaid about 50 times, so Great, so you get what I'm trying to say.
So you can both be in the wedding.
Sorry, what's that? Pardonnez-moi? You and Valencia can both be bridesmaids.
That way you don't have to worry about her not being included.
Very wise, Jayma.
It's settled, then.
Yeah, it is! (all laughing) (laughing): H-H-Hey.
I know you, from Spider's.
You were the sourpuss fighting with the girl in the shiny dress.
Hey, I'm, I'm not a sourpuss.
I'm pensive and deep.
Are you dusting potatoes? I like to look busy.
Well, you're out of dark roast.
I can't study without dark roast.
Could you get on that? Oh, yeah, sure, uh, no problemo.
Thanks.
Hi.
She's cute.
Are we being pleasant now? Sorry, I don't know your rules.
So, you two an item? Me and Ally? Oh, I wish.
She quit her job as a manager at a Whole Foods, came to work here.
I could not figure out why for the longest time.
And then I realized Greg: Hey, I know that guy.
Grocery clerk with half an eyelid.
His name is Brody.
I can't compete with him.
He has the flattop of a Greek god.
- This! - (both laugh) Whoa, you are so good at magic.
How do you do it? Uh-uh-uh.
A true magician never reveals his secrets.
Come on, Brody.
So you like her.
Yeah.
I don't have a shot.
I mean, look at her.
I should give up.
I know that's the right decision.
Are you sure she doesn't like you? Watch this.
Ally.
Ally.
Ally, though.
That's my type, too.
Ally.
(hisses) Oh, that's so hot.
Okay, bro, I gotcha.
I know exactly what you need to do.
So, you and Valencia are friends? Uh, kinda.
I'd say we share a history of common interests.
Of course, she's late.
She's the kind of person that has to make an entrance.
You know what? I don't think that's fair.
I wouldn't stereotype her as someone that Oh, sorry I'm late.
I just had some pictures taken for my Hometown Hotties submission to Maxim.
Ugh.
We ready to try on some dresses? Jas, come on.
Let's go pick out the first round of dresses.
(whispering): This is beautiful.
- Hey.
- Whoa! Hey, Valencia, hi, oh, uh, this is going to be so fun.
Are you ready to be, like, bridesmaid buddies? I want to make myself very, very clear.
Okay.
I know what happened.
I know about the kiss.
And if it were any other situation, I would take off my earrings, my extensions, and my wings, and curb-stomp you.
Got it, that's fair.
But, for some reason, you're the one that got me into this wedding party.
Josh told me it was all you.
- He did? - Yep.
I mean, I don't know why you did it, but I don't care.
Just stay out of my way and don't make me look bad to these people.
Hey, Valencia, I can do better than that.
I can make you look good.
Yeah, yeah, like, by the end of this, they're going to want to adopt you.
But maybe that's not, like, precisely what you want, but Oh, just shut up.
Okay.
How about this? This seems like a style that would work on everyone.
Well, most of us.
Valencia's right.
Uh, you know, uh, two-piece, halter, mesh dress might work well for you very lean ladies, but, yeah, not for this festival of back fat going on.
(laughing) Okay, well, what about this? Oh, my God.
Those are such beautiful nipple covers.
Yeah, those would definitely cover most of my nipples.
Yeah, guys, let me remind you, I eat bagels at night Valencia knows.
She knows all about my night bagels tell 'em, V.
Here's what you didn't know.
For my midnight bagel, I eat it with butter, cream cheese, and - bacon.
- (all laugh) Seriously.
S-R-S-L-Y.
Like, true story.
Okay, so why don't we try different styles in the same color? That's a great idea.
That's so Ni You know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's, like, really gracious.
It is, actually, a, a good idea.
That's the plan.
So you kids can go crazy with your halters and your sheaths and your cutouts, and I will wear a dress fit to upholster a chair.
And I will wear it with pride.
Rebecca, come on.
Yeah, you're not that disgustingly fat.
Aw, thank you, Valencia.
- Thank you.
- (laughter) (startled yell) Paula.
What have we said about standing places, quietly waiting for people? I forgot.
Okay, so how did it go with Valencia at the dress shop? Did you find any weaknesses? I was thinking that we could use your role as bridesmaid to really mess her up.
My first thought was poison oak in the dress.
Rashy nips, instant classic.
Paula.
What? We're not doing any of that.
- We're not.
- No.
We're just acting like normal people.
I'm going to be like any other teenage ex-boyfriend's sister's last-minute bridesmaid.
Yeah, so just be cool.
Understood.
I have my orders.
Where can a person buy poison oak, and what is the rashiest kind? (phone dings) Female Voice: Richard Kind is a 59-year-old actor, best known for his role in Spin City.
No.
Poison oak, rashiest kind.
(phone dings) Jim Rash is the award-winning writer of The Descendants.
Come on.
You're sure this is a good idea? Dude, she doesn't like you.
She's shown no interest.
She's way into someone else.
Why give up now? This is the right move.
Um, can I have everyone's attention, please? Hey! Hey! Hey, someone's trying to let it rip here.
- Thank you, Greg.
- You're welcome.
(clears throat) This goes out to a young lady currently restocking feminine products.
It's called âClean Up on Aisle 4.
â Not an actual cleanup, Rick.
Clean up my heart on Aisle 4 'Cause that's where it lays in a heap of green olives From the olive bar (mouthing) 'Cause I'm the pimento to your olive I want to be inside of you But instead my heart is on the floor Being crushed like The garlic we sell by the door.
(whispering): Oh, my God, it's working.
Look out, everybody, it's my body! (applauding) Whee! Teach me, teach me! Uh-uh, it's too hard.
You didn't tell me he was a gymnast.
He can do anything.
(phone chimes) Eh, can we get back to work, or am I boring you? I am so sor I'm sor it's a it's a bridesmaid text chain.
It's about it's about the word âcummerbundâ" It's it's a funny word.
Sorry.
Let's get back to the case.
The case? Who cares about the case? When are you getting the bridesmaid gowns? 'Cause I got a guy in Maine who's going to send me some primo itchy, sticky plants.
And he said he was going to throw in a couple deer ticks for, you know, a little extra Um, what are you talking about? Our plan - rashy nips.
- Oh.
- I say we roll the dice for, you know, some possible Lyme disease.
- I have so much to say - (phone chimes) Hold on one second.
Oh, oh, it's from Jayma.
It says emergency.
SOS.
411.
She means 911.
I wonder if Phillip got cold feet.
I have to go.
- What? - I have to go, I'm sorry.
What about our plan? There's no plan.
Ugh.
The dance we do.
- Hey, what's the emergency? - I don't know, do you? Guys.
There's something I need to tell you.
And it won't be easy.
My dress is done early, and I brought champagne! (all screaming) - (cork pops) - (whooping) - Oh, man.
- Wow.
All: Cheers! - Cheers.
- Cheers.
Valencia's so funny.
Oh, Valencia, tell them about the part with the old lady.
Yeah, so, this 90-year-old lady was in downward dog, and I said to her, âOkay, just breathe into it.
â And she said, âIf I breathe into it any harder, I'm gonna toot.
â (laughing) Oh, she's so funny.
She has a million yoga stories like these.
They're great.
Well, I've been practicing my humor.
I watched an online tutorial.
This was so much fun, you guys.
When Joshy and I get married, I want all of you to be in the wedding.
Except for you.
I mean, would it kill you to say something? Jastenity: She's not wrong, Ruby.
You're a dud.
Ah, man, I am tipsy.
This was so fun.
Oh, Jas, we got to go meet mom at the cake-tasting.
Can you guys stay and make skee the dress gets packed away perfectly? Like no wrinkles or bubbles.
Absolutely.
We're on it.
Valencia and I got this.
Yep, we got it.
Thanks, V.
You know, we all thought you were heinous, but you're kind of okay.
(laughs) - All right, bye, ladies.
- Bye, Jayma.
Drink a glass of water.
Wow.
(door bell jingles) They don't think I'm heinous anymore.
Jastenity even offered me a half stick of gum.
I said no because I bloat, but still Congrats.
Well, I guess we should, um, get the girls to pack up this big-ass dress.
Yeah, okay.
Hmm, wow.
Wow, this would look even worse on me than some of the others.
Oh, come on, stop.
I mean, you make jokes about your body, and they're pretty funny and mostly accurate, but with your big boobs, that dress would look great.
Are you kidding? No.
I'd be spilling out of this thing, and not like in a sexy, on purpose, Christina Hendricks type of way.
So? Guys don't care.
Guys love big boobs like yours.
I mean, sometimes I hate my small boobs.
I mean, I thought about getting implants.
What? No, don't do that.
Oh, my gosh, Valencia, if you knew what went into having a pair of monsters like these, you would never think about getting them again.
I'm gonna show you.
(gasps) Rebecca, you can't.
Valencia, once I put this dress on, you will never envy these puppies again.
Get ready.
(groans) (gasps) Ugh.
- (gasps) - Mm-hmm.
There yep.
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Dense like dying stars, I got them Heavy boobs, heavy boobs I can't run real far Let me break down what I just said Each of my double Ds Has the volume of a toddler's head Not bitchin' 'bout my boobies They look super fly in shirts But if I swung them in your face You'd be like, oh, my God, that hurts I'm blind, holy crap I literally can't see I have permanent retinal damage I'm suing you and your heavy boobies Heavy boobs, heavy boobs, dense like dying stars I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs - They each have their own memoirs - What you gotta know is that Boobs may be where it's at But if you cut them open They're just sacks of yellow fat Stuff falls into my bra It's a little bit of a drag But when I go to bed at night It's like opening a Mary Poppins bag Dancers: Whee, candy and pennies! I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Dense like dying stars I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Don't need an air bag in my car Here is a list of all of the objects That I can hold under my boobs Stapler, ten pencils Paperback copy of Arabian Nights Dog bone, remote control Hardback copy of Wuthering Heights See, when a star is dying, it transforms into a red giant.
And if the red giant does not have enough mass to fuse carbon, an inert mass of carbon and oxygen builds up in the center, transforming into a dense white dwarf.
And yeah, like, that's my boobs.
That's that's what my boobs are like.
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Dense like a white dwarf I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs They'd be a catch at Fisherman's Wharf I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs Don't ever forget that These heavy boobs, heavy boobs Are just sacks of yellow fat Like the stuffing of a couch They're just sacks of yellow fat Technically meant to feed a baby They're just sacks of yellow fat.
Wow.
I had no idea.
No wonder my boobs are so small.
I have no fat on my body.
See? Exactly.
Problem solved.
Now, you try on the dress.
Yes.
Let's see how it looks with some nice B-cup action in there.
No.
I couldn't.
Wow.
Oh, my.
Valencia, you're going to make a really beautiful bride.
Josh is really lucky.
I hope.
I hope some day it is Josh and me, I really do.
It will be.
And I'm so sorry if I did anything to delay that dream.
I appreciate you saying that.
Do you mind taking a picture of me? Just for me.
I want to remember how I looked.
Of course.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, I got nothing to work with here.
I mean, I've already hacked into Valencia's e-mails and her texts.
Ooh, wait a minute, what's this? A photo stream? Oh, again.
You with the face.
What do you mean, how did I get Valencia's password? You know me.
Okay.
Let's see what we've got here.
Valencia's photos chocolate cake fried chicken Spaghetti with meatballs.
Oh, she just likes to look at food.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute, what is this? (gasps) I think that's Jayma's wedding gown.
Oh! You know, I've I've prayed to God my whole life, and I, and I never knew if she was listening, but (sighs) thank you, Big Mama.
(laughs) Uh, no wrinkles.
- Yeah, or bubbles.
- Thank you.
(phone chimes) We got this.
It says I have a new like on a photo.
I-I didn't take a photo, what is this? Hmm.
- (both gasp) - (door bell jingles) Hey! You ruined my wedding.
Yeah, bitch.
- How could you? - What's wrong with you? #HotterThanTheBride? I-I-I didn't do anything.
I didn't post a photo.
And my hashtags are always positive.
Like, #GirlBoss or #Fitspo.
Someone must be framing me or something.
What kind of psycho with no life would do such a thing? Oh, God, Paula.
You must have done it.
When I went to the bathroom.
This is why women don't go to the bathroom alone.
Excuse me, miss, I have a bone to pick with you.
I'm sorry, sir.
Can I help you? Yes, you can.
By helping yourself.
Stop chasing after the cartwheeling magician idiot boy, and start paying attention to the guy with the bountiful, beautiful hair, who happens to really care about you.
(laughing): Oh, you're friends with Marty.
I prefer mentor.
Ah, well, I've already told him I'm not interested.
Him continuing to chase after me is a terrible decision, which makes me respect him even less.
I mean, maybe if he backed off and let me come to him, maybe I would think about it.
Otherwise, can you tell him to stop with the songs and the texts and the skywriting? Okay.
What did you skywrite? Lyrics to the song.
Cost a fortune.
Oh, and it was so windy.
I basically paid for a cloud.
So what's next, coach? What do I do? What's my next move? I don't know.
I kind of think we do nothing.
I like that.
Like for a day? We slow-playing? No.
I actually think forever.
I think we got to call this one.
Go back to dusting potatoes.
You laugh, but who likes a dusty potato? Marty, Ally's right.
Chasing someone who isn't into you is a terrible move.
Trust me, I feel you.
I've been there.
You mean you and Rebecca Bunch.
Your friends come in here all the time talking about it.
God, I hate my friends.
Yeah, Marty, that's right.
I did that with Rebecca.
But watching you do it, I see what a bad call it was.
Actually, I'm realizing, I make a lot of bad calls in everything.
Yeah, me, too.
And I think we're the same.
I mean, I work here in a grocery store, even though I went to Harvard.
The Harvard of what? Just Harvard.
In Boston.
Wow, yeah, God.
Your decisions are just the worst.
Look, I already deleted it, so don't worry.
And we only got one like and it was from OMG, it's from Maxim's Hometown Hotties.
Sorry.
I'm telling you, it was Rebecca.
She's been "Single White Femaling" me since she got here.
Valencia You take one step closer, and I'm getting a restraining order, Jennifer Jason Leigh.
What I was going to say was, um You were right.
Yep, it was me.
- (gasps) - Yeah.
It was my idea for Valencia to put on the wedding dress, and then when I saw her in it, I-I got jealous.
And so I, uh, I stole her phone and I posted the picture.
I'm sorry.
I don't believe you.
Only someone crazy and sad would do that.
Um, yeah, and I'm both those things, so I'm, um, I'm sorry.
Valencia, I'm sorry we accused you.
Rebecca, you should go.
Yep.
Good-bye, Chans.
(women murmuring) (door opens, bell jingles) Before you start, you don't have to buy me champagne or a fur coat; just a simple thank you will suffice.
Paula.
Valencia's password was so easy.
Valencia1.
I mean, come on.
Paula! Just get in my office.
I told you not to do anything.
Wait, what? I mean, why didn't you listen to me? Oh, my God, why didn't I listen to you? Because if I listen to you, nothing would ever happen with Josh.
No Thanksgiving, no camp.
No kiss.
You, you didn't do all that by yourself.
And every time you said, âNo, Paula, don't do anything.
â And then I did anyway, and you were happy.
Wow, yeah, you're right.
Okay, that's the way it used to be, but it's not like that anymore, okay? No.
Paula, listen to me.
I'm done with Josh.
Oh, come on, I saw you.
You can't even throw away the macaroni portrait.
- I threw it away.
Everything's gone.
- Even Channy bear.
Yeah.
Channy bear sleeps with the fishes.
Nope.
I can't give up on Josh.
He's not yours to give up on.
Why are you so hung up on this? It's for you.
It-It's to make you happy.
No, it's not, because I just told It's because If we're not chasing Josh, then you're not going to want to hang out with me anymore.
I know it.
What? No.
Paula, no.
That's not true.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
He's our glue.
He's what holds us together, and I've barely seen you this week at all.
Paula, I love you.
Okay, you know that.
But we have to stop.
It's not good for me.
You and I will always be friends, okay, I promise.
But we don't need Josh Chan.
Because I don't need him.
Okay? Okay.
Hey.
(sighing) Hey.
Hi.
I'm sorry, I, um, I needed somewhere to drink, and I thought, I thought you'd be at school.
You're here.
What'll it be? It's last call.
Um, I guess, I don't know, I'll take some alcohol.
Do you know any alcohol names? Yes.
I will take a peach schnapps on the rocks? No, never mind.
Never order drinks again.
I'll make you something.
That's a lot of books you got there.
Yeah, I'm trying this really new radical approach to studying It's called studying.
Wow.
Is it working? Really well.
This is perfect.
What is this? It's this really exotic drink called the gin and tonic.
Well, I've never heard of a gin and tonic before, but I think it's gonna be really big.
- I'm sending in the patent.
- (laughs) Hey, what are you doing after this? Do you want to, like, I don't know, go to another bar, get a drink, or hang out at my place, or What happened? Did you and Josh get in a fight Is that what's going on? And you need a shoulder to cry on? So you come to Greg, 'cause that's what I do.
No, that's not what this is.
Rebecca, I would really love to hang out with you, I would, but I know what that leads to for me.
And I can't.
I can't be in second place again with you.
Okay, um Great.
Um, good to know.
I'm I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go.
(sighs) (knocking at door) Greg? Oh, Josh, I thought you were someone else, I What did you do? Y-Y-You hacked into Valencia's phone? Y-You said you were trying to keep your distance from me, a-and then you do this? This is how you make it up to Valencia? Okay, Josh, it's a long story, but all that matters is Valencia is now beloved by your family - and I'm out of the bridal party.
- Yeah, but Josh, focus on your girlfriend and on your family, okay? And the next time you want to come and talk to me, don't just show up at my door.
Oh okay.
Yeah, okay, cool.
Um, so could you go? I-I-I have something I need to do.
Are you kicking me out? Lil' bit.
Bye, Josh.
(door opens and closes) I'm sorry, Channy bear.
Hey, what's going on? Hi.
You okay? What No, I c I-I can't do this.
I-I can't eat a dusty potato.
Oh, God, is that what I taste like? I mean, I, I ate a, an old French fry off the floor of my car, but I sh It's a metaphor.
Wa you did what? It doesn't matter.
No, good God, stop, woman.
Greg, listen to me.
This isn't about anyone else but you.
Okay? You're not second choice.
I promise.
Listen, if this is going to happen, - you need to know something.
- Okay.
This isn't going to be like a roll in the hay and you go home.
This is going to be like three days of you and me just ruining each other.
And not emotionally.
Is that what you want? When do we start? I'm so glad we're finally doing this.
Me, too.
I mean, there's so many girls I could have brought here, like a whole bunch, but I chose you, Ashley.
- It's Ally.
- Don't care.
Can we have sex now? Yay.
Oh, my God.
You're an idiot.
And you're horrible.
Why do I always make the same mistake over and over again? I make terrible decisions.
I go for the lowest form of man because I'm afraid to be with someone I might actually connect with.
You know what? Screw this.
I'm going back to nursing school.
Wait, do you want me to do another cartwheel? I'm-I'm-I'm good at those.
Whatever.
She'll be back.
They always come back.
(slurping)