Dan Vs. (2010) s01e16 Episode Script

What ho, yon Chris? Uh, hi, Dan.
What are you wearing? Elise is picking up her parents at the airport and I'm cleaning the house again.
But the Renaissance Faire starts today.
Ah, that explains the armor.
A mighty lord cannot travel hither and thither without his fool.
I really can't go this year, Dan.
Elise has been freaking out about her parents' visit all week.
Oh, but we go every year.
It's our thing.
It's your thing, and frankly I've never understood why.
You hate crowds.
You hate price gouging.
You hate foppery.
But you put it all together and it really works.
You've got to come.
If you don't, who'll carry my stuff and dance stupidly for my amusement? - I'm sure you'll be fine.
- I hate Elise's parents! Look, they're only in town for a week.
We can go to the Renaissance Faire after they're gone.
It ends in a week.
Come on.
They've got mutton.
I do like mutton.
No, I can't go.
Look, we're just going to have to miss it this year.
But-- but wenches.
Who's the little guy in the costume? You remember Dan.
I thought he was the world's ugliest garden gnome.
Don, be nice.
Dan, you remember Elise's parents, Don and Elise Sr.
Ah, yes, the fun police.
Did you dust under the lampshades? Yes, but she's not going to check under the-- She always checks.
Aren't you a little old to play dress-up, son? Who are you supposed to be, the queen of England? Just kidding! ELISE'S PARENTS!!! So, Chris, how's your "career" going? Um, swimmingly.
Great.
So you're still unemployed? Not still.
Again.
So how's the chain of cupcake stores? Business is fine.
In fact, we're thinking of opening a store out here.
That's great, Dad.
Please, call me Don.
Maybe we could hire Chris to work at the store.
Sure, we'd be taking you away from a promising career in unemployment.
Dad! He didn't mean anything by it, Junior.
Mom, I have asked you not to call me that.
Why not? It is your name.
My name is Elise.
My name is Elise.
Hence the Junior.
Is there someone in your yard? I thought this neighborhood looked shady.
It's Dan.
I'll take care of this.
Unhand me! You have two seconds to explain yourself.
Are you okay, Elise? You seem tense.
Of course I'm tense! My parents are here judging every single aspect of my life! Yeah, they're horrible.
I mean, look what they turned you into.
See? So how is Dan these days? We haven't spent any time with him since the wedding.
He's a lot more easygoing these days, does a lot of gardening.
As I recall, his best man toast was about how marriage is a scam and you and Elise Jr.
would be divorced within the year.
Well, he was wrong about that.
Yeah.
I just want to go to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend, and your parents are getting in the way of that.
You think they're inconveniencing you? Ever since I was a kid, nothing I've ever done has been good enough-- straight As, full scholarships, captain of every conceivable team the schools had-- everything, never enough.
Why do you think I became the top operative in a shadowy quasi-governmental organization? - Wait.
What was that? - What? Oh.
Never mind.
The point is my parents will have a perfect week and for once not have anything to criticize me about.
You know you married Chris, right? Well, what am l supposed to do with this bag of common household rats? Don't you even think about it.
Come on.
I spent all day collecting these little guys.
Let's establish some ground rules.
One, you will not mess up my house in any way.
Fine.
Two, you will not cause my parents bodily harm of any kind.
Three, you will not set anything they own on fire.
Oh, come on! Four, if and when you engage them in conversation, you will be polite and pleasant.
If you aren't, they'll need dental records to identify your body.
You get me? Joke's on you.
I don't have dental records.
And take those rats somewhere else! What to do? What to do? Enough with the sirens already! I'm trying to think! Stupid police.
Stupid police.
I have a crime to report.
My friend's in-laws are foreign spies.
I need to have them deported immediately.
That's not our department.
FBl handles espionage.
Oh, did I say spies? I meant counterfeiters.
That's the Secret Service.
- Gunrunners? - ATF.
Unless they're with organized crime.
We have a joint task force with-- That's it! That's what I meant! They're in the Mafia! Could you arrest them, please? I assume you have some hard evidence.
Of course I do.
Wait.
Define hard evidence.
Something that proves conclusively that your allegations have merit.
Of course I don't have that.
What I have are wild accusations.
What you have are jail cells and handcuffs.
- Let's work together.
- I'm sorry, sir.
We can't open an investigation without something concrete.
Fine.
You want proof, I'll get you proof.
We'll be here when you do, sir.
Apparently, Mr.
Mumbles, this is going to take some doing.
But don't worry.
I'm up for it.
They won't give me a wire, fine.
Not bad.
What do you think, Mr.
Mumbles? I'll just do this again tomorrow before I leave, and-- Or I'll just sleep like this.
We can put the counter right here and a display case on that wall.
Chris, what do you think? I don't know much about the cupcake industry, sir.
Oh, you will.
How did he make that sound like a threat? It's mostly the enunciation.
So, Junior, did you hear about Colby? Didn't you have an ex-boyfriend named Colby? Ah, Colby.
Good kid.
Still sends a Christmas card every year.
He quit being an astronaut to go to med school.
Isn't that wonderful? Hello, family.
What are you doing here? I was actually thinking about buying this place myself for my rat dealership.
One sec.
So what was your name again? Don.
Right.
So, Don, what are you doing here? I've put a down payment on this property for my cupcake business.
I'm going to open a store here.
And why here, exactly? Good foot traffic.
Not much competition.
Plus it'll be nice to have someone in the family working for me.
Junior never had any interest in cupcakes.
You mean you'd hire Chris? Yes, Chris would be assistant manager of the store.
- Wouldn't that be great? - If we can pull him away from his busy schedule of doing nothing all day.
Don, be nice.
Assistant? Then who would be the manager? That's the surprise! We're moving here! Permanently.
Hey! That's great.
Help me.
Don't worry, buddy.
I've got this under control.
I think you're overreacting.
Overreacting? My parents are moving here! I'm sure it will be fine.
You're just freaking out.
They haven't even started in on the, "When are we going to see a little Elise lll running around?" Okay, now I'm freaking out.
- What are we going to do? - I don't know! We have to get rid of them! Maybe some kind of elaborate trick where they think they're buying a store here, but really it's in London! You dress up as a realtor! - I'll forge-- - Hon.
- Ooh, or-- - Elise! You've got to get ahold of yourself.
Do you know who you sound like? Help me.
I have you now, Don.
It's going to hurt when I take the tape off my actual skin.
Oh, well.
Don.
someone in the family.
They'll only be in our house for six more days.
Once again, I've ridden in on my white horse and solved everyone's problems.
By tomorrow, your father-in-law will be in the hoosegow.
Why would Don go to jail? For being in the Mafia.
I have a tape you need to hear.
Hello? Hello? Are you silent because you're ready to listen? You wanted hard evidence.
You've got hard evidence.
I'm the Don of the family.
You mean Mafia family? Surprise.
I'm going to open my business here.
You mean your organized crime business? Surprise.
What about the local crime syndicate? I'm going to permanently cupcake them.
"Cupcake" is the new Mafia word for kill, if you're not hip to the lingo.
All right, sir, you've convinced me.
So you'll go arrest them now? Or at least by Friday.
We still need conclusive proof.
What is wrong with you? Didn't you hear the tape? Give me an undercover agent.
I'll get them inside, help them find your precious proof.
We do have one undercover agent available.
Louie! What is it? New mob boss in town.
You're going undercover.
Yeah! All right! Louie's our best.
He won't let you down.
It's all in the details, Mr.
Mumbles.
Okay, ready? Who are you supposed to be? I'm your new girlfriend Heather.
You don't even look female.
You monster! Why are you so hurtful? Look, I'm going in there.
You can either play along or destroy the whole operation.
Hi, Dan.
Who's your friend? I'm his new girlfriend Heather.
You didn't tell me that you had a new girlfriend.
Well, I do.
Also, shut up.
So, where-- - where did you two meet? - Police station.
Who kicked me? He means we were both arrested at the same time.
He was in for public indecency.
I was charged with involuntary manslaughter, but I beat it.
Teflon Heather.
So, Don, tell us about your business.
I understand Chris is getting made.
Made assistant manager, yeah.
I just hope he doesn't eat all the profits.
Am I right? I mean, look at the guy! So, Don, kill anyone lately? - Be honest.
- What? Chris, can I talk to you for a minute? Actually I'd like to talk to you, too.
In private.
What the heck is Dan doing? And who is that guy? I don't know.
I think he's a cop.
- What? - Yeah, Dan mentioned something about your father being in the Mafia.
It didn't seem important at the time.
That's completely ridiculous! Hey, you don't have to tell me.
Dan, get in here! My father is not in the Mafia.
- You told her? - Of course I told her.
I'm sorry to have to inform you, Elise, but your father is in the mob.
- He is not! - The cops think so.
Is that because you told them that? That is neither here nor there.
But have you noticed how polite I've been? Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
We had a talk about this.
You want to give Chris a job, right? Honestly, not really.
Don, he's our son-in-law.
It's time we brought him into the business.
Look at the company he keeps.
Do you really want Dan in our store? Or Heather? I'm sure she's a very nice man.
Ow.
That really hurt.
Knock, knock.
Uh, Dan, your date left.
What? She did? But you haven't been arres-- Heather! Hey, it's me.
Louie.
Why do you insist on wearing that dress? I'm undercover.
I mean that dress in particular.
It makes you look cheap.
The color compliments my eyes.
I understand you have information for me.
I do, boss.
There's a new outfit moving in on our territory.
He thinks he can just move in and take over? He's wrong, dead wrong.
We are going to cupcake him.
So this mook thinks he can just come into my territory - and take over? - What are you going to do? I thought I'd send some soldiers over to take him alive, and then I'd use this on him.
There's no antidote, and it's supposed to be quite painful.
Get a squad together.
We strike in two hours.
This isn't good.
You know, maybe working in a cupcake shop won't be so bad.
Yes, it will be.
It'll give me a chance to get to know Don, see what he's like once you get past that gruff exterior.
There's a gruff interior that's exactly the same.
Well, at least I'll be surrounded by-- You won't be allowed to eat any of the cupcakes.
Wait.
I'll be surrounded by food all day and not allowed to eat it? That's the food service industry for you.
That sounds like one of the circles of Dante's "lnferno.
" Only less fun.
Come on! I saw it with my own eyes.
Hey, Louie's our best undercover guy.
Sometimes I've seen him dress as a woman.
I didn't even know he was working a case.
But he's in league with the local organized crime syndicate.
You said the same thing about your friend's in-laws.
Them, too, but they're with a different syndicate.
So everybody's involved with the mob somehow.
Is that it? Sounds like a cop on the take.
Who's pulling your strings, puppet? What do I do, Mr.
Mumbles? I don't want Elise's parents to die.
I just want them to go to jail for a very long time.
Or move away, whichever.
On the other hand, if I do nothing, my problem solves itself.
I'd better think this over while I watch some TV.
Fine.
I'll warn them about the assassins.
Why do I always have to save the day? Who's there? Let go of me.
Hi, Dan.
We caught him sneaking around outside.
- Yeah, he does that.
- Just let me explain.
You can let him go.
He's harmless.
Hi, guys.
I have some good news and some bad news.
The Mafia is coming to kill all of you and the police won't help.
- What? - The Mafia? Yeah.
We should probably get out of here.
They want to kill Don with a poison dart.
Why would the Mafia be after Don? Um, you got me.
Did you do this, Dan? If you're making allegations, you'll have to speak with my attorneys.
Will somebody please tell me what's going on? Dan thinks you're in the Mafia.
- He what? - That's ridiculous.
Don is not in the Mafia.
The police think differently.
Because you told them differently! Allegedly.
And now they're on their way here? We should go.
Yes! That's what I've been trying to tell you! Go! Never come back! Is that them? I'm guessing yes.
Sounds like the kitchen.
Stay here.
Oh, no.
Heather? His name's Louie.
He's a crooked cop.
And that's Vito Barrelli, head of the local crime syndicate.
How do you know that? I read something about him in the paper? What's going on in there? Did you think you could muscle me out of my own turf? I-I really don't know what you're talking about.
Please believe me.
It's too late for that.
Rats! No! Everybody freeze! Thank goodness you're here.
We got reports of a prowler.
Yes, these two men are in the local crime syndicate.
They attacked us.
There are six more in the kitchen unconscious.
What happened to Dan? Poisoned.
Poor little guy.
He's done for.
Dan, are you okay? Sure.
Why wouldn't I be? I should make one of these for Mr.
Mumbles.
Well, this has been fun.
We'll do it again sometime.
Maybe not all of it.
Are you sure you don't want to open a store here anymore, Dad? I've been in Los Angeles for three days.
The police think I'm some kind of criminal overlord, and the mob tried to kill me.
Nah, I'm good.
We'll come visit you soon.
Right, Chris? Can't wait.
- Are we going or what? - Dan, polite and pleasant.
Oh, I forgot my sunglasses inside.
I suppose I should thank you for saving my life.
It was pretty heroic.
But, hey, that's what I do.
Well, on the other hand, if it wasn't for you, they wouldn't have been trying to kill me in the first place! You should let that go.
I have.
Besides, it's your fault for being in the Mafia.
I am not in the Mafia! It's all right, Don.
Let him go.
Nice to see you, Dad.
Where did your mom go? The flight leaves soon.
No, I am telling you Los Angeles is too hot right now.
Cops are on alert.
We have to set up shop somewhere else.
No, Don still doesn't know anything.
My son-in-law? I don't think he even has what it takes to join the family.
Where is everyone? We're in the right place.
Hey, look.
Aw, out of mutton? Wenches on strike? Oh, no.
There's only one thing that can cheer me up now.
Dance, fool!