Disjointed (2017) s01e16 Episode Script

1 Oh, yeah! That's right, YouTube! Dank and Dabby here.
And for the first time ever, we're hosting "Strain O' The Day.
" Hey, your mind's like my dick 'cause it's just been blown.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Yes! Oh, man! Now, we're hosting 'cause we are on day 25 of our house arrest, and we're almost out of pot.
This is literally all we have left.
Yeah.
And that will not last the afternoon.
That's why we're inviting all of you to Dank and Dabby's House Arrest House Party.
Oh, yeah! It's B.
Y.
O.
P.
Bring your own pot.
F.
U.
For us.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Now, the party is tonight.
At our place, a.
k.
a.
, Smokingham Palace.
- [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Thank you.
- [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
No one will be admitted unless they bring us weed.
So, please RSVP to our intern Zach at zachisdankanddabbysbitch @smokinghampalace.
net.
Just a heads up, you can also use my Emerson e-mail.
It's Zach Just work the camera.
Get out of my eyeline! Okay.
[DANK SIGHS.]
He's a great kid.
- Fine young man.
- Mm-hm.
[TRIXIE SMITH'S "JACK, I'M MELLOW" PLAYING.]
I'm so high Jack, I'm mellow Good night.
Thank you for making Ruth's Alternative Caring your pla Fuck it, they gone.
All right, you guys.
Have fun at Dank and Dabby's.
Travis, for God's sake, try to get laid.
I am trying! Can we swing by my place before the party? Let me guess, there's a hat you wanna wear, and that ain't it.
You spent 20 minutes grooming your beard this morning.
I can change hats.
- Sorry, sir, we're actually closing up.
- Oh, okay.
I can come back.
No.
Come on in.
I can help you.
- Night, Ruth.
- [JENNY.]
Bye, Ruth.
I need your ID and recommendation.
Here's my ID, and my recommendation is try the veal.
- You know what, maybe we are closed.
- Sorry.
I make bad jokes when I'm nervous.
Walter, you have insomnia.
And you're not funny.
Marijuana can fix both those things.
- Marijuana will make me funny? - If I smoke enough.
"Sweet dreams, chickens.
Sweet dreams, cows.
Sweet dreams, geese, and sweet dreams, sows.
" I used to read that to Brynn and Connor.
I fucking hated it.
Pete, enough talking to plants, let's go.
Oh, my God, what are you doing? I just got them down.
I have to start their routine all over again.
"Sweet Dreams Farm, by Arlene Bickford.
Copyright 1957.
" Seriously, they're gonna be fine without you.
Olivia, you don't get it.
These are Sadie's children.
I can't leave them alone.
They just lost their mom.
But that's stupid.
Pete, I can stay with the plants.
I can't go home for a few hours, anyway.
My husband wants to have a serious talk with Rosita tonight.
Listen.
I don't care that she wears low-cut shirts and tight jeans, but Jim wants to give her a tongue lashing and doesn't want me around.
Yeah.
I mean, which is fine.
I can't bear to be there when he unloads on her.
You know, I I gotta give her credit, though, she takes it like a champ.
She's never mad at him the next day.
She's like, [IMITATES ROSITA.]
"Mr.
Jim, would you like a back rub in your office?" I mean, why am I making fun of her? What has she ever done to me? Zach, um, W-T-fuck? Our home is about to be full of guests and I don't see a single crab meat-stuffed goddamn mushroom cap! Mushrooms are in the oven.
Try a caramelized onion tartlet.
Oh, my.
Now, that is exquisite.
[CHUCKLES.]
May I have a little more? Mm.
Mm.
Mm-hm.
[SPITS.]
I told you to use cipollini onions, asshole! I used pearl onions, I thought they were the same.
"Oh, I'm Zach.
I think things are the same when they're not the same.
" [GRUNTS.]
Zach, what is all this damn ballerina food? I told you, get food ending in "-ito.
" Dorito, Frito, Cheeto, taquito Cheetos again! How hard is that, Zachito? Um, actually, lover, I told him to make hors d'oeuvres.
If we're going to entertain, we should do it with style and panache.
So, no Tostitos, then? I just don't think that's what we want for tonight.
Oh, I also rented us some outfits so we can dress up like The Great Gatsby.
[HALFHEARTEDLY.]
Yay.
I could set aside some Tostitos.
- Lick the shit out of my ass, Zach! - Go fuck yourself to death, Zach! Walter, I'm going out on a limb here.
You've never smoked pot.
I have not.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you have.
That's very intuitive.
Okay, we're gonna start with the basics.
This is a joint.
You know what a joint is, right? Yes, a joint is a unit of marijuana.
Close enough.
Okay, so, since you have insomnia, I'm gonna recommend a kind of cannabis called indica.
We always say, "indica leaves you 'in da' couch.
" So, that'll be funny when I'm high? Walter, you sassy bastard.
Okay, uh, have you ever smoked a cigarette? Yes.
In college, I played Sky Masterson in Guys and Dolls, and I thought the role called for it.
All right.
So, I want you just to take a puff and hold it in for as long as you can.
[COUGHING.]
Yeah, you're gonna cough for about three minutes.
Luck be a lady tonight.
[COUGHING.]
You good.
You good.
Wine? Take your ass back to England.
Who raised you? [DABBY.]
Oh, Dank.
What do you think? [HALFHEARTEDLY.]
I think you look great and this is gonna be a magical evening.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you! We must remember to get pictures.
That we must.
Uh, could you excuse me, baby? I'm gonna smoke weed to deal with all this fun.
Oh, Travis, Olivia, Pete! Lovely to see you.
Mwah.
Welcome.
Mwah.
Welcome.
Mwah.
Oh, Pete, you shouldn't have.
You said if we didn't, we couldn't get in.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, classic Pete! - Ah.
- I recognize this from your videos.
Especially that one after you and Dank double-teamed my girlfriend.
Oh, right, Tina.
Anyhoo, let me give you the tour.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Holy shit, this is all your apartment? - Mm-hm.
We bought the place next door and knocked down the wall.
Although, not in that order.
Oh! And over here we have the terrace.
You guys have a fucking terrace? Mm-hm.
It's mostly for fucking, but we also use it to look at the stars.
Am I stoned? I mean, it doesn't feel like I thought it would.
Like, I thought there would be more you know - Walter? - Yeah? You're stoned.
Cool.
So, tell me about yourself.
Okay.
I'm 70.
I'm retired.
I spent my life in the insurance industry as a risk analyst.
Riskandalous.
Rick Santa's-list.
So, uh, why did you decide to try pot? T.
S.
Eliot.
He said, "Old men ought to be explorers.
" I spent my life avoiding risk, so, I missed a lot of stuff.
You're still young, you got plenty of time.
Yeah.
Especially because time feels like it's slowing down.
Is that the pot? [SPEAKING SLOWLY.]
Yes.
- Hi, my name is Ricky Williams.
- My name is Eben Britton.
- Mark Restelli.
- Boo Williams.
Jim McMahon.
- My name is Chris Kluwe.
- My name is Kyle Turley.
I played in a North American football league.
I have two championship rings from that big end-of-season game.
In college, I won a trophy that looks like this: I was a punter, and punters are football players, too.
I wrote the name of the commissioner on my headband.
Everyone lost their shit.
The men who play football are subject to injury.
- Pain.
- And disease.
Both during and after their careers are over.
- That's why I smoke pot.
- That's why I smoke cannabis.
That's why I smoke weed.
That's why I smoked weed when I played.
It has, without a doubt, reduced the amount of pain I live with.
It's my body.
I know.
But the major North American non-Canadian football league refuses to allow players to use cannabis.
Instead of allowing for safe, natural healing They push players towards addictive, narcotic painkillers with side-effects.
[ALL.]
So, let's get real, Roger.
Players should be allowed to use medicinal marijuana.
Without the stigma of it being a banned substance.
- Cannabis isn't a drug.
- It is a medicine.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[HALFHEARTEDLY.]
Hello, welcome to our party.
Hello, Alfred.
I don't think we'll be needing the Batmobile this evening.
- What are you looking for? - The wedding cake you were standing on.
Fuck you guys.
Hey, Sabine.
Remember me? You interviewed me for CNNN? Oh, yeah.
Olivia Shitballs.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Did you bring Shitballs? - I did.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Awesome.
Love Shitballs.
[CHUCKLES.]
Once again, these are the best edibles I have ever tasted.
You know there's no camera there.
I'm not talking to a camera, I'm talking to Alan.
He's over there.
He has really good hearing.
- [ALAN.]
Thanks, Sabine! - Anytime, Alan.
Uh, you having fun? Yeah.
But what I really wanna do is hook up.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
I'm sorry, did you say "hook up" or "hookah"? You're hilarious.
You know who else is here? Travis.
I'm so into him.
Really? 'Cause you could totally hook up with him.
Or smoke a hookah with him.
I'm not sure what you said.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah, I am totally gonna do that.
I am totally gonna hook up with Travis tonight.
- I have no idea what she said.
- [ALAN.]
No one ever does! Hi, Maria.
How are my girls? Hey, sweetie.
They're great.
Bigger question.
How are you FaceTiming me right now? Jim said I wouldn't be able to contact him 'cause the system's down.
Can I see my plants? Sweetie, they are fine.
Go enjoy yourself.
Take as much time as you need.
Stay the night if you want.
[LAUGHS.]
Listen to me, I sound just like Jim.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- No way.
You were at Woodstock? - Yeah.
Came with Crosby, hit on Stills, left with Nash.
[LAUGHING.]
You know what's interesting about Woodstock? From an actuarial point of view, if you were to calculate the liabilities No, no, no.
I'm hearing Old Walter.
Oh, no, no.
That guy sucks.
You know who I wanna hear? Wally.
Fun Wally.
Well, I can be Fun Wally.
Hey, you wanna try my vape pen? Whoa, it glows like E.
T.
's finger.
E.
T.
so stoned.
[LAUGHS.]
I'll get you your own vape.
You look like you're having a good time.
Well, you know, it's always a blast to take a sweet, square guy - and, you know, get him wrecked.
- [SNORTS.]
And he's cute, too.
And no ring.
He likes you.
Oh, no.
It's just weed goggles.
Everybody always has a thing for the first person who gets them high.
Yeah.
You were the first person to get me high.
Holy shit.
You're right.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
You know, I'm saying I'll catch you next song! [CHUCKLES.]
Travis! I was just talking to Sabine from CNNN.
She's into you.
- Wh ? Really? - Yeah.
She was like, [IMITATING SABINE.]
"I'm really into Travis.
" [BOTH LAUGHING.]
It's either you or some guy named Chavez.
Sweet.
I'm gonna go put it on her.
- What does that mean? - No idea.
I'm not good at parties.
Hey, everybody, listen up! The space helmet hotbox record has been broken by my homey, Chavez! [ALL CHANTING.]
Chavez! Chavez! Chavez! Chavez! - Chavez! - Chavez! You're sure she said "Travis"? I mean, I hope she said Travis, 'cause I totally want to bang Chavez.
[OLIVIA LAUGHS.]
Ooh.
Todd, um, Carter is a security guard and a veteran of the Iraq War.
Carter, Todd is an up-and-coming sandwich artist at Subway.
[DABBY CHUCKLES.]
Thank you for your service.
Ooh, ooh.
And Jenny here, she sells pot and wears hats.
That's not all I do.
I also went to medical school.
Until I dropped out to sell pot and wear hats.
Carter is thinking of trying stand-up comedy.
- [CARTER.]
What the ? - Really? Oh, how wonderful.
Hey, everyone, everyone! Carter is going to make us all laugh really hard right now.
Ooh! Please.
This will be fun.
Come on.
Everybody, give him some space.
Give him some space.
Yes.
Ooh! - You're in the spotlight now! - No, Dab.
Dab.
- Dab, this is your party, I don't wanna - No, you sound stupid.
Go.
Uh [CHUCKLES.]
How's everybody doing tonight? Uh, okay, well, um I work as a security guard in a dispensary.
Uh, the other day, this lady Well, pregnant lady, comes in.
Pregnant woman comes in.
And she's big.
She's a large lady.
Like, she's pregnant with twins and those twins are pregnant with triplets.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
So, anyway, she gives me her ID.
I'm looking at it, then she sees me.
She's like, "I know what you're thinking.
But my doctor said it's okay, because it's gonna help my baby stay mellow.
" And I'm thinking, "Lady, who is your doctor? Dre?" [ALL LAUGHING.]
I mean, if anything, the baby's gonna be paranoid in there.
You know, just like a stoned fetus.
You know? "Holy shit, I am trapped inside of another person.
How do I get out? I know where the exit is, but that's where that one-eyed gopher comes in.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my! Guess you cured the insomnia.
I gotta say, he's a cute sleeper.
My Jim spends most nights on the couch, too.
Says it's better for his back.
Rosita wakes him up in the morning and they do their yoga routine, which always makes them so sweaty when I come down for breakfast.
- Maria, do you hear yourself? - What do you mean? Do you think it's at all possible that Jim and Rosita are, you know fucking? No! No.
No, no.
No way.
No, I mean, I can see why you would think that, and it's crossed my mind, too, but Jim says I'm being paranoid 'cause I smoke too much weed.
No, your husband is cheating on you with your housekeeper.
And to get away with it, he's making you think that because you're high, you're crazy.
He's grass-lighting you.
What? Maria, think about it.
It's not paranoia if it's really happening.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
I have to go home.
What? What's happening? Nothing's happening.
You took a little nap.
Wow, look at me, I'm "on da" couch.
It's "in da" couch.
[LAUGHING.]
I get it now.
[WALTER LAUGHS.]
And this is Fiona.
She's a rascal.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Oh.
They grow up so fast.
You'll get it when you have plants of your own someday.
- Okay, we need to talk.
- Don't go away, there's 500 more.
Me and everyone else has had to live through you talking to your plants, fighting a fake curse, making hemp underwear, and generally being fucking nuts.
Olivia, you're not a parent, you don't understand.
You are not their father.
Unless you stuck your dick in the dirt.
I'm saying they're just plants.
And I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but it had to be said, and I'm the only person at this party who's also been drinking.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey, Sabine, I didn't see you there.
Oh, hey, Travis.
You just missed Chavez.
He's here with his husband Perez.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I don't know, I just learned.
- It's a fun party, huh? - I guess so.
I'd rather go home and [MUMBLES.]
Oh, yeah, I hear that.
I mean, I heard some of it.
I'd rather go home and [MUMBLES.]
you in my [MUMBLES.]
I'm sorry, Sabine, it's a little loud.
Could you say that in my ear? [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Could you text that to me? [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sabine.
Yeah, I would very much like to do that.
Awesome.
[CHUCKLES.]
Chavez, Perez, let's roll! The four-way is on.
Everyone! It's the moment we've all been waiting for, The Mountain Dew waterfall! [CHUCKLES.]
Zach! Bring in the Mountain Dew! [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Um, Zach, that is not Mountain Dew.
That is Mountain Dew Code Red.
- Uh, Dank said it didn't matter.
- That's 'cause it fucking doesn't.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Dank.
I wanted this to be a classy party topped off with a real Mountain Dew waterfall just like they had in The Great fucking Gatsby, and all you've done all night is shove your cocksucking bullshit into my asshole! - Guys, it doesn't matter.
- Yeah, it's still a great Back off, scarecrow! Enough! You've been riding my ball sack all night! And I don't give a fuck about your fancy party! - You know I have social anxiety disorder! - Get over it! You make me! Zach, start the fucking music! [MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH'S "GOOD VIBRATIONS" PLAYING.]
Yeah - Can you feel it, baby? - Ooh Holy shit.
It's an angry dance-off.
Ooh It happens more than you'd think.
Ooh Ooh Come on, swing it - Come on, swing it - Ooh Come on, swing it - [DABBY YELLS.]
- Ooh Ooh [DANK YELLS.]
It's such a good vibration - Oh, God.
I can't stop looking.
- May I have some of your whiskey, please? I mean, goddamn.
Hearing those people laugh tonight was It was like connecting with them, you know? And they responded.
- You think I'm ready for open mike night? - Yeah, you were incredible.
I'm really happy for you.
Okay.
Okay, what's up? Okay, if you were really happy for me, you'd be busting my balls like always.
It's nothing.
Come on.
You were amazing tonight.
What am I amazing at? Selling pot and wearing hats.
Babe, come on.
Okay, so, maybe medical school wasn't for you.
Look, I promise you, you We'll figure something out.
Oh, God.
What? Oh, God! - How do we get out of here? - I'm not going in there.
- We could jump.
- What floor are we on? Doesn't matter, baby.
You're all set.
And your Uber is outside.
Look at me, smoking dope, taking an Uber.
If I knew how, I'd listen to a podcast on the way home.
Fun Wally's a lot of fun.
Thanks, Ruth.
- I'll see you when this runs out.
- Sounds good.
Bye.
Hm.
I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q 'Cause I'm on bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow