Family Matters s01e16 Episode Script

Oh, yes Just me and her I'm crazy about her Hi, Eddie.
Hey, Urkel.
Laura's upstairs.
Yeah, I know.
I just called her.
Boy, nobody slams a phone down like Laura.
- Eddie? Eddie? - Move, Steve.
You think I need a new approach? Wouldn't hurt.
Now, if you could dance like Bobby Brown, you might have a shot.
The babes love him.
Be there Every little step I make We'll be together That doesn't look so hard.
You will be there Every little step I make We'll be together Hey.
Now, close your eyes and spin.
That's it.
Now backpedal.
You got it, Steve.
Come on.
All right, Steve.
Yes.
Sometimes I'm so clever I scare myself.
We were made to fall in love Hey, Eddie.
I think I got it.
You will be there Every little step I make We'll be to A lot of you have asked me what to get my brother Daryl for his 40th birthday.
I've known Daryl my whole life.
He's my big brother.
And I'm here to tell you from the bottom of my heart I never liked him.
Ha-ha-ha.
I thought you liked Daryl.
Well, I do, Mama.
These are just jokes.
Oh, jokes.
Remember the roast for my birthday? Daryl did the same thing to me.
Yes, but when he did it, it was funny.
Harriette, you think my jokes are funny, don't you? Mm-hm.
If you liked that, you're gonna love this one.
Carl, before I split a gut, let's go and say goodbye to the kids.
Wait a minute, Harriette.
Now, I'm not too sure about this.
It's a big step leaving the kids alone, especially with Eddie in charge.
Oh, they'll be fine.
Come on.
Well, what do we have here? - Meat loaf, mashed potatoes, string beans.
- Edward is cooking dinner? Hm, maybe I should call 911 now and make a reservation.
Dad, I've got everything under control.
You know, being a parent is easy.
And all these years we've been making it tough.
Now, Judy, Laura, while we're gone Edward is in charge.
You're putting Eddie in charge? Do you want a moment to reflect on this? And while we're gone, there are to be no friends in the house.
Don't worry.
The only person who might come over is Rodney.
I know you don't mean Rodney.
Especially Rodney.
Now, son, I want you to promise me, no friends.
All right.
I promise.
If you'll excuse me, I have to check on my béarnaise sauce.
Well, does somebody wanna help me? - Rachel, what do you have in here? - Those are little Richie's things.
The stuff I have to take to the babysitter.
His teddy bear and his little blanket, and his rubber duckie and his little jammies.
Rachel, we're only going for one night.
Oh, Harriette, I know, but we've never been apart.
What if Richie wakes up in a strange bed in a strange room and sees a stranger? What if he forgets what I look like? - Go ahead without me.
I can't do it.
- Oh, no.
Rachel, Rachel.
I know it's hard leaving your baby for the first time.
But after that, it gets a lot easier.
Can you wait? No, I want some.
- Stop it.
- Believe me.
All right.
But we're gonna stop every 15 minutes so I can call and check on Richie.
Come on.
Let's hurry up and go so I can hurry up and stop.
Come on.
This is gonna be a swell trip.
Ta-da! I guess I overcooked it a little.
Maybe it'll taste better with the béarnaise sauce.
It's already on there.
Hand me that steak knife.
Pizza man.
It's Rodney.
We're saved.
Hold it.
You heard what Dad said.
We can't let anybody in.
You promised.
What would you rather eat, pizza or a charcoal loaf? - Let the man in.
- Let the man in.
Hi, everyone.
I heard Eddie was cooking so I figured you might need some first aid.
Look, Rodney, um, after we eat I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I promised I wouldn't have anyone over tonight.
- Even me? - Especially you.
Oh.
I see you got my mother's recipe for meat loaf.
Carl, I really wish we hadn't gotten off the main highway.
Trust me, Harriette this is my special shortcut.
What kind of shortcut is this? This is a dirt road.
This is not a dirt road.
It's got some gravel and some grass.
Besides, it's the fastest, most direct route to Sheboygan.
You're lost, aren't you, Carl? I am not lost, Mama.
I'm just not sure where I am.
- There is a difference.
- Mm.
Rachel, hit that light please while I check my map.
- Carl, that's not a map.
That's a napkin.
- I know it's a napkin.
Howard Simpson drew it for me at the taco stand.
Is that Sheboygan? No, that's hot sauce.
Carl, where are we? Harriette, I'm finding it.
I am finding it.
Carl, how many times have I told you there are no shortcuts in life? About a billion times, Mama.
Ah.
Here we are.
- We'll be in Sheboygan in a half an hour.
- Oh, good.
The car won't start.
Ha-ha-ha.
Very funny.
Now start it up and get us out of here.
I'm serious.
The car won't start.
Five sons and I've never missed a birthday until tonight.
I knew I never should've left little Richie at that sitter's.
When I was leaving, I swear he said, "Mama, don't go to Sheboygan.
" He said "Sheboygan"? Look, everything will be just fine.
I saw a gas station a couple of miles back.
I'll walk there, have them bring me back in their tow truck and we'll get the car started and we'll go to the party.
Carl, you can't walk all the way back there.
It's dark and it's freezing outside.
You wanna go? Here's the flashlight.
- Mm.
It's them.
- Who? At the pizzeria, I mentioned to people that this is where I'd be.
Yeah? Well, they're not coming in and you're going out.
Hey, it's your house.
I can imagine the kind of people you met at the pizzeria.
- Hi.
- Hello.
You must be Eddie.
You're even cuter than Rodney said.
Come in, girls.
Ha-ha-ha.
Come on in.
Eddie, what are you doing? - You wanna watch the Janet Jackson video? - Sure.
Uh, I'll be right there.
You guys go ahead.
Yes! Thank you! Thank you! Well, they seem very nice.
If you're having friends over, I'm having friends over.
You're not gonna tell Mom and Dad about this, are you? Not if the price is right.
- Hey, Lamar, come on in.
- Hey, Rodney.
I hope you don't mind, I brought friends.
Hey, mi casa es su casa, dude.
- Hey, the party's in here! - Hey, all right.
Hey, all right.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There's no party here.
- Hey, Laura.
- Penny.
Thanks a lot.
It's all over town you're having this party and you don't invite your best friend? - No, no, wait.
This is not a party.
- Yeah, this is not a party.
Will you get into it? But this is not a party.
This is not a party.
Sure is taking Carl a long time to walk 2 miles.
He probably took a shortcut.
- I'm sure he's fine.
- Oh, Harriette, I'm worried.
I mean, what if he runs into a bear or a mountain lion? Or worse.
You know, I once read a story about people who live in the woods.
Big, hairy, ugly people who prey on innocent tourists when their cars break down.
When the police found the victims there was nothing left of them but their shoes.
It's the ugly people! Open the door! Oh, it's Carl.
- Sorry.
- You okay, baby? Carl? Where's the tow truck? There is no tow truck.
The gas station was closed.
Oh.
So this is where I'm going to die.
I wanted to live to see Daryl turn 40.
Is that too much to ask for, Carl? I wanted to live to see little Richie turn 1.
Look, there was a phone booth.
I called the emergency road service.
I told them our car broke down on Highway 180.
We're easy to spot because we're a couple miles from the gas station right underneath the Highway 180 sign.
Brilliant, Carl.
That "Highway 180" sign is what saved us.
I don't understand this.
Where is that tow truck? It's been two hours.
I can't sit here any longer.
I'm going for help.
Wait, honey, I can't let you go by yourself.
- Don't go, Carl.
We need your body heat.
- Oh, Mama.
I don't get this.
I gave our exact location.
I said, "We are on the side of the road right underneath the Highway 180 sign.
" - Carl! - What? The sign says 130.
Didn't I say 130? No, you said 180, Carl.
Well, I guess that explains the delay.
Look, honey, just don't tell the rest of them, please.
You know how I hate looking like a fool in front of my mother.
Fine.
Let's just get in the car and figure out what to do next.
Well, what were two you doing out there? Carl gave the wrong highway number.
We're back to square one.
Boy, Harriette, they really had to beat that out of you, didn't they? Well, we are in trouble now.
We are in more trouble than you know.
Just before we left, I drank a quart of prune juice.
What's that light? It's a UFO! Oh, it's not a UFO.
It's the highway patrol.
- What's the problem, folks? - Good evening, officer.
We, uh, seem to be having a little car trouble.
Where you folks headed? - Oh, we're on our way to Sheboygan.
- On this road? Nobody takes this road to Sheboygan.
See, Harriette? Ha.
I'm the only one who knows this shortcut.
Ha-ha-ha.
Get back.
Move.
Come on, now.
Told everyone we weren't having no party.
Watch it! - Who are you? - I'm Steve.
I live next door.
- Well, do you have any girls with you? - Yeah.
In my back pocket.
Get out of my face.
Hi, Eddie.
Having a party? What tipped you off, Urkel? Was it the three million kids dancing in my living room? Good one, Eddie.
Laura, my princess.
Hi, Laura.
Urkel, please.
I don't wanna talk to you.
Fine, then let's dance.
Aah! Hello.
Hey, you.
Get off that piano bench.
What's your problem? Yo.
Hey, hey.
- You Eddie? - Yeah, why? There's something wrong with your water pressure.
Whoo! Eddie, great party.
Smile.
What are you doing? It's called blackmail.
Laura, how did this ever happen? Stay cool.
As long as a fight doesn't break out, we're okay.
Fight! Fight in the kitchen! Fight in the kitchen! You were never in the end zone.
You were out of bounds.
I was not! It was a touchdown! - Oh, right.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me, fellas.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
It wasn't that play that cost you the championship.
It was your free safety.
I mean, the guy's a feeb.
His man was open all day.
He couldn't cover his head with his hat.
That feeb you talking about was me.
Ooh.
Damn.
Actually, it was my Dad who said that.
He's a very large man who should be here any minute now.
You make me wanna puke, you know that? By any chance, is that something you enjoy? - Stuff him somewhere.
- Hey, come on, guys.
No.
Come on.
No, glasses, glasses.
Please, guys.
I'll call you, okay, Laura? - Let's play that down over again, hog.
- Anytime.
- Let's do it! - Yeah! Hey! This is my house and I will not allow football in my kitchen! - Shut up.
- Yeah.
Here's the ball.
Hey! That's my mother's gravy boat! Set! Hut one, hut two.
Hut, hut, hike.
Nice snap.
Laura, what am I gonna do? Hey, it was as much my fault as it was yours.
- You really mean that? - Yeah.
Don't worry.
No matter what, we're in this together.
Dad.
It was all his fault.
Look, Dad, I know what you're thinking, but it's not as bad as it looks.
Pass it! I'm open! My kitchen.
Move! Move, move, move! All right, this party is over.
Everybody out.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, let's go.
You stay.
Harriette, the bathtub is full of green Jell-O.
- What in the world went on here? - You'll see.
I've got pictures of everything.
I can't believe you did this, Edward.
I backed you up.
I trusted you.
And then you go and have a party.
They threw a gravy boat through the window.
Why would they do that? They were playing football, Dad.
Let's kill him, Carl.
We're still young.
We can have more children.
Hey, Harriette, it's okay.
Harriette.
It's okay, Harriette.
It's all right.
Uh, come on, Judy.
I don't think you need to be around to hear this.
I didn't mean to have a party.
- I just let Rodney in with some pizzas.
- Son, I told you not to have anyone over while we were gone.
You promised me that you wouldn't.
- And you broke your promise.
- Along with everything else in the house.
Son, we don't make these rules up for our health.
There was a reason we didn't want you to have anybody over while we were gone.
Now you found out the hard way.
- I'm sorry.
- Me too.
I guess you're gonna ground us, huh? Into dust.
Well, look, I think that we're a little too upset to deal with this tonight.
We'll talk about it in the morning.
Now, you two upstairs to bed.
I'm gonna go and see if I can find the other half of my gravy boat.
Boy, what a night.
Party of the year, Carl.
Party of the year.
Cheese ball?